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“What the hell, mate.”
Harry sighed dramatically as a blurry ginger blob came into orbit above his head, temporarily blocking the pouring rain that Harry was painfully but blissfully choking on.
“You missed wombats and wardrobes. McGonagall was none too pleased,” Ronald Weasley’s blob said.
“It happened,” Harry gargled sinfully around the water still stuck in his throat, throwing up a robed arm to cover his eyes. He writhed pathetically on the damp lakeshore.
“No.”
“Yes.”
“Like—happened? As in—”
“I’m such a prat. I can’t believe your barmy sister—”
“Hey—”
“—sent him that letter. I am going to kill her—”
“Ginny did what now?”
“—slowly, cruelly, sneakily—”
“She was the one who pilfered it?”
But Harry was too distraught to speak, just letting out a long, garbling moan that would put the Burrow’s attic ghoul to shame.
“So, it happened. You knew someone had taken the letter—”
“I was hoping it was destroyed,” Harry said, finally sitting up and fumbling uselessly on the ground for his glasses. “Bombed to bits. Eviscerated in Fiendfyre stew. Bloody, effing eyeballs—”
Harry unceremoniously had the frames shoved on his forehead by Ron.
“I can never show my face in public again,” Harry moaned as he adjusted the spectacles, which had spectacularly fallen onto his nose upside down.
Ron’s sweaty, foxen visage came into view as Harry’s sight adjusted to reality.
“It wasn’t that bad,” Ron declared heroically, sweeping his wand arm up with its grungy stick to conjure a larger umbrella charm for the two of them.
“‘Sometimes I lay awake at night wondering if you’re thinking about my arse the way I envision yours—bulbous, tight, firm, lu—’”
“Okay, okay, okay!” Ron screamed. “You’re right, you’re shite at romance. But the message was good, right? You told him how you feel?”
Harry all but collapsed on the ground again, hoping its soggy depths would accept him in tribute despite his abject misery. “Yeah, I compared my love for him with the passion his rose garden has to the roosting peacocks of his vast estate.”
Harry looked up at Ron’s face and immediately regretted it. Ruddy, twisted, and nauseated, Ron’s mouth twisted into a necromantic grimace.
“No, no—that’s great!”
Harry threw his weight around ineptly, rolling onto his stomach, muddy and meager, thoroughly soaked with self-pity. “Let the storms pour on my wizened weariness.”
Ron snorted. “Now that was the sort of language that got us into this mess.” Harry grunted as he felt the weight of Hermione’s satchel drive him into the turf.
“Get up!” Ron yelled. “Stop this now or I swear I’ll—I’ll—”
“Tell Malfoy I’m in love with him?” Harry adjucated into a mouthful of foliage.
“You are?”
Harry sprung to his feet so fast he almost lost his balance and fell into the lake. Surely the giant squid would accept him should he falter in bravery. Voldemort, easy. Love—well—
Malfoy reached out and yanked Harry’s shoulder limb so hard an audible crack rang through the stormy moor.
“You love me?” Malfoy’s breath misted in the steamy thunder of air vibrating around them.
“I—uh—”
“Merlin’s saggy breasts.”
Harry was consumed, suddenly, by Malfoy’s smacking lips on his, his beautiful, smooth canines alluringly rubbing against his languid tongue—
Release.
“Merlin’s saggy breasts!” Harry echoed at his eighth year Hogwarts roommate.
“Merlin’s—saggy—breasts—”
Ron was cut off from Harry’s hearsight by another cerebral-blowing snog by Malfoy, many of his name, first said here, Draco.
Engorged from the throttle of passion, Harry yelled, “What was that for?”
“I love you, too, you imbecilic, idiotic, horrible, Shakespearean, dimwit, fu—”
Harry grasped Malfoy by his cloth-adorned love-huggers and consumed the man he had fallen in love with the only way he knew how—
With everything he ever was.
“Hermione, it’s finally happened!”
“Oh, Ginny will be pleased!”
Hermione and Ron’s voices faded out as Harry emanated his rumbling, lightning currents into Malfoy.
“Maybe keep the poetry to me, Potter,” Malfoy whispered when they parted for gasping breath, forehead against wet, sweaty, lustfully moist forehead.
“You wish,” Harry huffed.