Chapter Text
▲ r/villainupdates - Posted by
756 u/Hamfam 7 hours ago
You guys…
▽ Today is the two year anniversary of the last ever Siren's texts post. Anyone else feeling mad nostalgia now??
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QnAb ⋅ 7 hours ago
It hasn't been two years stop lying to me I have not been on Reddit for 7 years now, that's a LIE
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Lululuzzzz ⋅ 5 hours ago
The last post was like yesterday Hamfam stop lying….
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Quackfan3 ⋅ 6 hours ago
Damn… Anyone heard from Op? They've been off the grid for a while now. Not to mention Siren stopped posting his music like, a year ago now too since he started to do it more seriously
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StarshipL ⋅ 5 hours ago
Wait so that means I've been here for over two years now?! Hamfam bro pls tell me you're lying
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▲ r/villainupdates - Posted by
5437 u/MaybeImSiren 5 hours ago
THE SIREN'S TEXTS- THE TWO YEAR SPECIAL
▽ What's up gamers I saw you all moping and swooped in like the savior that I am because I figured, it's been two years. And I'm bored. So what if we give you guys an update?
In case you can't tell, this is Tubbo :)
So, normally I'd do this on Op's account (yes, I still have access to it. They gave up on trying to change the password after the fifth time I hacked it) but I figured it's way funnier to do this on Wilbur's. Didn't even have to hack into it, Techno gave me the password in exchange for me posting this to ridicule Wilbur again.
So let's get to it, shall we? :)
My little champion: Daddy
Siren: Yes, sweetie?
What's wrong?
My little champion: Llulah and I want chocolate
Siren: You can't, sweetie, it's late and your mom is coming to get you soon
And we all three know how you guys get with chocolate
My little champion: Please
Siren: No, darling.
My little champion: Okay :(
[x]
My little amapola: Daddy
Siren: Yes, Llulah?
My little amapola: Can we have chocolate?
Siren: I already told you brother no, sweetie.
My little amapola: Okay daddy :(
[x]
Siren: ...
Phil. Philza. Dadza. Father of mine, dear dad…
Dadza: Yeah mate?
Siren: Why did I just walk by my children having a sugar rush from chocolate and with their mouths covered in half melted chocolate when I told them they couldn't have any?
Dadza: Don't look at me, I'm pretty sure they trained Frank the parrot to bring them chocolate on command
Siren: That damn bird won't listen to me when I tell it to shut up and stop screaming at 3am
HOW did they train it!?
Phil Sally's coming to get the kids in 30 minutes and they're running around like Sonic covered in half melted chocolate
Dadza: As if Sally hasn't taken the kids back under worse circumstances
Remember when Tommy convinced them gluing feathers to themselves would make them fly?
Siren: Tallulah has melted chocolate on her hair
HOW
I don't have time to give them both a bath before Sally comes
I have a date with Luzu in 45 minutes and I need to get ready
I CAN'T CANCEL ON MY ROSE
Dadza: Ok chill I'll take F and Kristin can take Llulah
Siren: I love you so much holy shit you're the best dad ever
[x]
Groupchat Still just Homos
Siren: So like when is it too soon to ask Luzu to marry me
Quackity: Oh my fucking God Wilbur you've been dating him for like less than a year
Siren: 11 months, 6 days and 20 hours with 5 minutes and .06 seconds
That's almost a year already
George: And that didn't stop Dream, we got engaged like 6 months into us dating
Quackity: Yeah but it made sense because you're you and you're both dumbasses
Besides you don't get to talk when you two are so weird you got matching chains instead of engagement rings
Sapnap: Now you've done it, ducky. You brought up his wife chain, he's going to bite you now
George: Fuck you Sapnap it's not a wife chain
Dream: It kind of is though
George: I will bite you instead
Dream: Maybe that's what I want ;)
Karl: Ew keep your kinky shit to yourselfs, there was a child on my lap looking at my phone
George: He can't even read yet
Quackity: Take that back, our son is a fucking genius
Karl: [Attached image. It's a picture of a toddler with the face blurred out]
Say that to this face, George
Sapnap: George we're revoking your godfather rights over Mush now
Siren: Hello yes this is supposed to be about me asking my beautiful darling rose to marry me?
George: Do it and record it so we can see him reject you
Quackity: I think qetuidjkdtkhfwueéü:f5$()gg
Dream: Yeah I agree
Truer words have never been spoken
Quackity: Mush spilled a bit of apple juice on my screen
As I was saying
I think, weirdly enough, that he might say yes
I know Luzu and that fucker never even looked at me the way he looks at Wilbur
Siren: Jealous?
Quackity: He was my first unstable relationship and we never even kissed or officially dated, you can keep him
Hell, he might be starting to think about it. If there's one thing I know it's that you two are about a match made in heaven in terms of insanity
But still, you're fucking insane
Siren: Okay I'll try to wait a little longer to propose
[x]
My rose: Amor
You forgot your sweater at my place
[Attached image. It's presumably Luzu although his face is out of frame, it's just someone's torso covered in a yellow sweater].
I'll keep it warm for you ;)
Oh btw I bought something for Llulah and F, I can bring it over when you next have them with you
And there's this asshole that messed up one of my jobs the other day and I have his address, do you wanna go blow it up with me?
[x]
Groupchat Still just Homos
Siren: Fuck me I need to marry this man immediately
Quackity: Oh no, he threatened to blow shit up didn't he
Siren: He's my fucking soulmate, Quackity
I'm getting him the biggest fucking ruby on his ring so it matches his eyes
God his eyes are so pretty and read and so utterly hypnotizing and
[He went on a 47 minute rant about his boyfriend's eyes, I rather save us all the blubbering. -Tubbo.]
[x]
Groupchat fam plus Tommy's zoo
Tommy: HAS ANYONE SEEN ELISE??
Okay-ish twin: Which one of your animals is that again
Tommy: One of my iguanas
Siren: Which one you have like 7
Tommy: My rhinoceros iguana
Siren: I don't fucking know what that means
Tommy: THE ONE THAT LOOKS THE MOST LIKE A FUCKING DINOSAUR
Siren: THAT'S STILL NOT NARROWING IT DOWN
Tommy: JUST LOOK FOR AN IGUANA ON THE LOOSE, WILBUR
Siren: FINE
Okay-ish twin: Yo who hired a girl to randomly scream it's not Halloween yet
Tommy: That was Wil, I think
Siren: TOMMY THERE'S A FUCKING COBRA OR SOMETHING IN THE TOILET
WHY
LIKE I DON'T NEED TO PEE ANYMORE BUT WHY IS IT THERE
Tommy: What the fuck that's Luci
I didn't even realize she was gone from her tank
Omw
Okay-ish twin: Yo he peed himself
Everyone, get a good look at this public humiliation
I hope you're enjoying it
Siren: What's that supposed to me-
FUCK, THE REDDIT POSTS
Wait no it's safe, there's no more updates
HA WHO'S THE HUMILIATED NOW, TECHNO
Okay-ish twin: So did you or did you not pee yourself?
The public wants to know
Siren: There's no public, so I can say I did
Dadza: You did what?
Okay-ish twin: Phil, he peed himself
Dadza: What
Siren: I HAVE A DELICATE BLADDER AND MY DICK WAS ALMOST JUMPED BY A COBRA WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?
Tommy: Okay, so
I think Martin got loose too
You know, the lion?
Dadza: For fucks sake, mate
[Contact changed from 'Tommy' to 'Awful zoo keeper'.]
That's about as much of an update as I can give you. Tommy tried to sneak a penguin into my bedroom while I was doing this, btw. His name is Ranboo. I asked Tommy where the actual Ranboo was and he just stared at me blankly for a minute and asked. "What are you talking about? He's in front of you".
Okay I guess I'm a widow now. Sucks.
By the way, if any of you are weird about my little brother I will snap your necks with a shoelace and make sure no one finds your body.
Anyway, hope you enjoyed my selection for today ;) but this IS the last post.
Oh and if you're wondering where Op is, they're doing good, they're in film school.
They made a short horror film on a crazy stalker, it was pretty good. Don't know where they got the inspiration from but the part where the guy sets their socks on fire is sick.
So that's all you're getting now, don't be greedy and ask for more.
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Hamfam ⋅ 5 hours ago
AYO? Was this because of my post?
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Quackfan3 ⋅ 5 hours ago
OH MY GOD TUBBO. GOOD WORK, VERY GOOD WORK. I'M LOVING THE EXTRA CONTENT
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Lululuzzzz ⋅ 4 hours ago
DREAM AND GEORGE ARE ENGAGED?? /SRS??? I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT THOSE CHAINS OH MY GOD. Actually wait they said they were engaged a while ago, DOES THAT MEAN THEY COULD ALSO ALREADY BE MARRIED? THEY'RE SO PRIVATE ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP WE DIDN'T EVEN GET AN OFFICIAL STATEMENT THAT THEY WERE DATING FROM THEM, WE LITERALLY GOT IT FROM THE TEXTS. Oh I feel dizzy my tummy hurts I need to tell my twitter mutuals hold on-
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StarshipL ⋅ 4 hours ago
Okay we been knew Karlnapity had a kid because they posted about it but they didn't say the name so WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'MUSH'? MUSH, AS IN SHORT FOR MUSHROOM, LIKE I NAMED MY FRIEND'S KARLNAPITY LOVE CHILD OC ONCE? DID I FUCKING NAME KARLNAPITY'S ACTUAL CHILD????
[Attached image. It's the meme with 3 girls cowering as a fourth one holds a dodgeball about to throw it at them. The text over the three girls reads 'random internet users trying to be comedic' while the text on the fourth girl reads 'Apollo' and the ball reads 'The gift of prophecy'.]
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StarshipL ⋅ 4 hours ago
Oh right, and also, LUZBUR IS GOING STRONG BABEY LET'S FUCKING GO. AND DNF BEING ENGAGED OR MARRIED?? THE TWINS HAVING PHONES??? TOMMY STILL ON HIS SNOW WHITE ARC WITH A WHOLE ASS ZOO???? TUBBO YOU SPOILED US
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Lululemon ⋅ 3 hours ago
I came on reddit after months just to see this??? What????
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QnAb ⋅ 5 hours ago
Tubbo you can't just give us a single update after two years and then just disappear
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96hrs ⋅ 3 hours ago
I have not been on Reddit in over a year but my homie Hamfam sent me this on discord so. Woah. What the fuck.
And also: pause, no, how many animals does Tommy have? I need a definitive answer but my bet is on the 100's
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doctorbutthead ⋅ 2 hours ago
i'm so confused… can someone explain the lore of this post like what am I missing? Im new to social media, are those actually siren's texts or…?
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screamerstore ⋅ 2 hours ago
What the fuck Tubbo how do you STILL know what I'm doing?? The film was only projected to my class, don't do this again or I will actually drink bleach pls I'm begging you
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