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“Drew, are you ever going to talk about it?” I looked up from my book to see George standing in my doorway. It had been three weeks since the veil was closed and three weeks since I talked to him. I’d been hiding out as much as possible to avoid talking about it. Bess and Nick had both tried talking with me, but I couldn’t.
There was a part of me that wanted to talk it out with someone, but sharing the same friends made that harder. I was damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Is it better for them to see us distant and hurting without knowing the truth or know the truth and hate me for making the choice I did? I know my dad and Ryan believe no one would hate me, but how could they not, when I hated myself the most.
“There’s nothing to say.” I whispered before looking back down at my book.
“Look I get not talking to Bess and Nick. They’re close with him and they can’t keep secrets. You have known me your whole life. The last time you were like this was when your mom died, and you finally were starting to open up. What did Ace do?” I jumped as she slammed her hand down in the middle of the book.
“Don’t say his name.” I whispered before getting up and walking around her.
“You won’t even say his name? I ended my engagement to Nick and can still say his name.” I could hear her following me as I walked down the hallway.
“Not everyone can be like you George.”
“I would hope so. I’m pretty fucked up if you haven’t noticed. I mean who gets engaged to the most perfect man and then calls it off? Did you know he sold the ring?” I froze. It was rare to see George be vulnerable, but the crack in her voice made me stop. I once knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of heartbreak from Nick, but for George it was different.
I turned back around and walked over to her. I could see in her eyes the sadness she tried hiding behind her cold demeanor. I pulled her into a hug, and it hit me in that moment that she was one of my best friends and while I hid from my pain I hadn’t been there for hers.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I’ve been hiding here as much as possible to avoid seeing him. I didn’t understand by doing that, it meant I wasn’t around for you. I should have been a better friend for you. Especially after everything you’ve done for me.”
“You’re right. I get trying to avoid someone who hurt you, but what did he do? Ace doesn’t even know what he did and I’m not saying you have to tell him. I just am concerned.” Sighing, I nodded my head in defeat and sat on my couch in the foyer. I waited until she sat down before taking a deep breath and deciding what I would say and what I’d keep hidden.
“I want to start off by saying I won’t say his name because it hurts to much. I feel like I have something sitting on my chest anytime I think of him, hear his name or see him trying to reach out to me. The night at the veil Temperance gave me two choices. One in which I could make a selfish choice that would lead to two deaths or make a selfless choice to save two lives. I made the selfless one and the thing is there are certain safeguards in place that will take effect if I break them.”
I could feel my eyes watering as I remembered Ryan dying on the table in front of me and then holding Ace as he died in my arms from the car accident. Both of them begging for a life I would have taken if I acted on my feelings and made the selfish choice.
“So, you and Ace, can never?” She whispered as I watched my words sink in.
“I heard a song today and a line in it said, “We’re a half-written story without any ending” and that is what I have with him. I will always have a memory of what it was like waking up in his arms, feeling him kiss me and when he said he loved me. However, he can never know because I know he’ll try to find a way around it and I can’t do that.” I could feel the tears falling down now and somehow, I felt more pain in this moment then I did when I was talking with dad about it.
“Do you regret it?” I knew George was second guessing her own choices with Nick and I wasn’t surprised she asked me this.
“I don’t regret my choice. I do regret that in the vision I had I never said I love you back. That is the hardest part about all of this. All I’d love to do is tell him I love you, but I can never do that. I just want the best for him and right now, the best thing is for me to stay away. His life depends on it.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes, as I felt a small weight lift off of me. I knew for her being silent meant she was just thinking over everything I had said. I knew she wouldn’t repeat what I said, but a part of me wished she would say something to him. Be a messenger of sorts to know I’m okay and he can stop worrying. That I’m doing okay, and I was doing the best that I could given the circumstances.
“George, I may never get the fairy tale ending, but it doesn’t mean you can’t either. You and Nick love each other and if what you need is space right now to focus on yourself, I believe that you two will figure it out and find your way back. He loves you and I know he wants you to be happy. You have to figure out for yourself what that happiness is though. He can’t do it for you.”
I watched her wipe a tear away before giving me a nod of her head. Clearing her throat, I watched as she stood up, “Thank you for telling me and thanks for your two cents on me and Nick. Even though I didn’t ask for it.”
I laughed at that. Always finding a way for her sarcasm to ease the tension. “I’m going to make some coffee. Then you can tell me about your new case.” Smiling at me, she turned and went into the kitchen. Standing up I walked back to my desk and pulled out the case file again. I had no idea how I’d do this without him, but the vivid image of him saying he loved me would be what keeps me going. Touching the barometer, I now had on my desk I smiled a genuine smile for the first time in what felt like forever. The laughter and happiness we felt that day. That memory is what I’ll honor with every case I solve and every person I help.
Placing a cup of coffee in front of me I watched as George sat down across from me, "Alright Drew, tell me about the bodies."