Chapter Text
It was strange Harry wondered to himself, how he could return to this school after three weeks a completely different person to when he left. Things that he had thought to be facts proved to be wrong, Dumbledore, his dad but the way he viewed himself most of all. Yet the school hadn't changed a bit, everything, everyone was completely the same as if nothing had happened, because for them, nothing had.
Well, most people hadn't changed, only one had, Snape. The teacher was... different, helpful somehow, it was a little change but instead of the normal insults it was helpful insults, "Crush not just thinly slice Potter, or does your egregious ineptitude also extend to reading simple instructions" the man had sneered catching Harry off guard, insulting but helpful. For the first time all year his potion had been perfect, the help combined with his extra reading had payed off. Snape had no choice but to award five points to Gryffindor however annoyed it made the man.
Maybe this was a good thing, Snape seemed willing to help with potions so maybe that could extend to Harrys new fascination, Occlumency, Snape and Dumbledore were the only two people he knew who possessed the skill according to Remus which was worrying as in that instance Snape was actually the lesser of two evils. Either way he needed to try harder in potions, Remus had been right when he'd had a chat with Harry about minimising the amount of enemies he made, not that he did it on purpose but this was the perfect opportunity to change one of his current Harry Haters, term patented by Ron for people who didn't quite qualify as a nemesis but were still bloody obnoxious. It may come in useful to have one less Hater if the previous years of people trying to kill him were anything to go by.
Especially if they decided to target him via quidditch again, first the broom then the bludger then the Dementors at this rate Wood really was going to drown himself in the shower if his 'best seeker in a century didn't stop getting injured in game. The entire castle had seemed to real though since the Dementors had left the grounds and Sirius's trial grew closer.
The weather was dismal, half-melted snow lay in heaps around mixed with dirt as it melted and the sky seemed to frown down on everyone, its face grey. Harry was glad to see it go though, the snow would never be the same, he shivered as he gazed out of the window as he exited Gryffindor tower, dissociation's of screaming at a fence, pain and darkness and unending cold plagued every chill breeze. He had been out exactly once since returning to school otherwise preferring the smothering heat of the common room or even the great hall over the snow.
Fred joined him sometimes though, it had been Fred that had convinced him out and now look at what had happened he sighed. He had wanted to feel like a normal teen, had achieved it, laughing with his friends, buying things from Honeydukes and Zonkos and teasing Malfoy, he had felt normal. It couldn't last though, of course, because he wasn't normal, he was a freak who'd pushed it too far and messed up. He had known it the moment Malfoys annoyed face had turned into one of shock and horror at his floating head. Now he was facing the consequences, going down to the Dungeons where a cold damp clung constantly to the walls and it smelled of lake water and whatever potion the second years had been working on, something with Monkshood he guessed as he gingerly knocked on Snape's office door.
"You wanted to see me," Harry asked, hoping this wasn't about what he knew it was about with every fibre of his being, "Sir" he added as an afterthought cursing himself.
"Would you like to inform me of why Mister Malfoy came into my office earlier today claiming to have witnessed your disembodied head floating in midair in Hogsmede Mister Potter?" Harry repressed a flinch, crap he definitely knew. How could he play this off, they both knew he was caught, lying couldn't do much but seeing as he didn't have any actual proof,
"I'm not sure Sir, perhaps he was pranked, or ingested something he shouldn't have?" He offered, not necessarily not meaning to hint that Malfoy may be indulging in the edibles he'd seen being dealt around the castle though that was usually around the older years. Snape seemed to gather this because he glared at Harry, it didn't faze him though not after the Dursleys, a little glare from someone who could legally hurt him was nothing.
"So you are telling me you were not in fact in Hogsmede this afternoon then?", Harry shrugged in a way he hoped could pass as nonchalant evading the mans eyes as much as he could.
"Turn out your pockets boy." Snape demanded and Harry shrank back flinching slightly then cursed himself for the reaction, don't show weakness he chided himself, you can't let him know that bothers you.
"Please don't call me that sir, it's Potter or Harry as that is my name." He said as levelly as he could.
"I will call you what I wish boy, when you act like a child, I do not accept lying to me." the man sneered and at the vague threat fear flashed through him, fridged lightning. No. Weakness. "Turn out your pockets.".
Harry did so without fighting it realising too late the contents of his pockets, several Honeydukes wrappers and the map, it was disguised but his heart skipped a beat as he was forced t place it on the table.
"Ron brought those back for me sir" he tried to explain but Snape was having none of it, picking up the paper and examining it closely, Harry didn't think the man was breathing.
"And this is?" Harry cringed internally as the map was swept from the desk by bony fingers, he was going to lie, but what did that risk...
"A spare bit of parchment sir."
"Oh, then you won't mind if I dispose of it for you.", the potions master walked purposefully to the roaring fire in the corner of the office pausing before it and stretching the hand with the map towards the flames.
"No!". Snape smirked, the bastard knew he had won, how Harry had no idea but somehow he knew what the map was. He watched helplessly as Snape put his wand to the paper and muttered an incantation under his breath and then in horror as words began to appear. He wasn't close enough to see the exact words but he managed to catch sight of the phrase "Abnormally large nose" before it was ripped from before him and brought to the flames again as the potion masters face turned irate. Luckily the man just chucked floo powder into the flames instead of the map and called,
"Remus Lupin's office, I have something for you to explain, get here immediately.". Shit, shit, shit, how had he known!? He and Remus had dated apparently if his overheard conversation was anything to go by but had they really been close enough for Remus to have shown him the map and if so then why had it insulted him?
"Severus, you called." Remus said blithely as he stepped though the flames and took in the scene, Harry slowly inching towards the door and Snape, map clutched in his hand.
"Lupin, did you give the b- Potter, this." Snape demanded thrusting the paper into Remus's hands, the other man just smiled slightly and then looked to Harry.
"I did not, Harry where did you get this?" Harry didn't want to have to lie, but Snape was there and he wasn't exactly going to sell out the Weasley twins so,
"Its a joke bit of parchment Professor, a gag that insults people, nothing more, Ron brought it back for me last Hogsmede trip.". He looked at the ground to avoid seeing the disappointment he knew lay in Remus's eyes, he would apologise later.
"Fine."
"Lupin!" Snape looked incredulously at Remus.
"Harry, I will be confiscating this now. You may go.". Harry ran finally, mourning the loss of the map as he went but knowing he wasn't going to be getting it back by asking right now. He fled quickly from the dungeons into the warmth of the hallways, dinner had just ended, everyone would be heading to the common rooms by now so that was where he went, slumping down next to Ron on a worn couch.
"Hey mate, how was Snape?" His friend asked pulling out the Wizard Chess board, a nightly routine, less about winning at this point and more about how long Harry could last, his record was forty minutes. The realisation hit as he met Rons eyes, he was going to have to tell the twins he'd lost the map, "I lost the map. Snape couldn't get into it but he called down Professor Lupin, I think he's Moony from what Padfoot said and he knew what it was, he took it." he admitted before turning to the twins, "guys I'm so sorry, I'll try to ask Lupin for it back but I don't think he's going to budge.".
"Haz its fine, we'll get it back yet," George grinned from where he sat with Angelina one arm slung over her shoulders.
"Besides, you just said we had a Marauder among us!" Fred continued from his chair
"And that's bloody awesome" they both agreed.
Harry grinned back but still felt guilty, Fred smiled at him, meeting his eyes, "Seriously, it's ok.". Harry tried to smile back but he felt heavy for some reason, a great weight pressing down on him, "Thanks, and Ron I think I'll just get some sleep sorry, I'm tired, see you guys tomorrow.".
"Sure, Harry" Hermione agreed though worry creased her forehead.
"Fred, come on play a game with me then!" Ron called over to his brother as Harry went to leave the room.
"He can't right now, he's too busy writing to his booooyyfriiennd" George taunted shooting a sly glance at Fred who blushed at the ears. Harrys stomach dropped and he paused at the entrance the the stairs to look back at Fred who couldn't seem to meet his eyes even as he laughed with his twin to Rons gaping mouth.
"Not my boyfriend, just a normal friend." Fred explained, and Harry realised what they were talking about, Hadrian and the letters they'd been exchanging for the past few weeks since Diagon Alley. Harry didn't know if the 'just a friend' comment was a good or a bad thing, either way he didn't want to hear any more about it. He turned again and went up the stairs.
It seemed Fred wouldn't date either version of him, the-boy-who-lived or Hadrian Black and that fucking sucked. Rejected in every sense of the word.
He entered the dorm room, fully ready to just collapse onto his bed and fall asleep, begging for less nightmares in which his mother and Death visited him, taunted him but that wasn't going to happen. His breath lodged in his throat as he surveyed his part of the dorm, his books chucked to the floor, sheets broken, bed frame cracked and trunk upturned, someone had been in here, someone had been looking for something and by the look of the angrily destroyed bed hadn't found it. He had his cloak with him, the map was gone, he found his album discarded amongst the sheets. They hadn't found his most precious items then, but what had they been looking for?
"What the fuck" came a voice from behind him, Fred stood in the doorway staring at the mess, "Are you just an absolute slob Harry or...?".
"Someone was in here, looking for something." he confirmed, but who, a Gryffindor? or someone who had overheard the passcode, that could be anyone! Anyone could get in here, to him, to attack him or his friends, how could this happen!? Hogwarts was meant to be safe!
I was meant to be safe here he thought wishfully as he took a step towards his ruined bed and began to pick up his things counting them all into his trunk.
He would figure that out later, for now he just had to fix it.
It was fine, it would be fine, fine, fine, fine, he'd just hide his things now, he'd learnt new spells, he could lock them in his trunk and use a spell to make it hold. It would all be fine.
Don't show weakness, don't show how much this gets to you. Weakness will get you hurt.
He felt a hand on his shoulder. Fred. Why was he even up here?
"I'm so sorry Harry. But we need to tell McGonagall, is anything missing?" he asked and Harry leaned out of the touch shaking his head and, shrugging it off as he bent to pick up his things again, methodically cleaning, using a repair on his bed, a vanishing spell to vanish the wood fragments he could see. He could feel Fred watching.
Cold apathy, he had to maintain that, the occlumency books said maintain a lack of emotion, use your shields. He could feel the hot anger starting to seep in though.
How dare someone come and touch what was his.
He would fix this.
He needed to fix this.
Clean, vanish, put away.
Clean, vanish, put away.
Repeat.
"You're bleeding Harry." Fred offered quietly, trying to take his hand.
He looked down, surprised, his palm was bleeding, there was a bit of wood sticking out and drops of blood slipped off to meet the floor, he hadn't even noticed.
It was fascinating, the drops going drip, drip, drip onto the floor.
"Hm". He surveyed it again before going to sit on his bed, realising he hadn't fixed some of the frame, he quickly cast the charm and sank down onto it, the bed moving slightly as Fred joined him.
He examined his hand, now that he'd seen it he realised the biting pain, he should have been more careful. He pointed his wand at the wood and vanished the large chunk as well as the shards so that it didn't get stuck in his hand when he cast a simple Episky and watched in fascination as the would closed up leaving only a thin scar in its wake. It could join the collection he guessed.
"Harry?" Fred asked carefully as Harry continued to stare at the scar.
He looked up, Fred looked worried, that wasn't good, Fred wasn't meant to look worried he was meant to be happy and laughing, "Not my first experience with wood getting stuck in me" he shrugged and then turned beet red after he realised how that had sounded. Fred turned the same shade though and laughed, so it was worth the burning embarrassment he felt at the comment.
Silence stretched on and gingerly an arm came around Harrys back, he tensed and it stopped. It was nice, the companionship, he leaned into the warmth next to him and the arm curled around his frame holding him close and the anger and cold feeling, fear he realised seeped away bit by bit as he let down his occlumency walls slightly with a shudder.
With them down he could feel again, the loss and fear no longer the all consuming numbness.
He breathed evenly again, he hadn't even realised he was hyperventilating until the fog receded from his mind, beside him Fred breathed loudly and evenly. Oh.
"Thanks." he said quietly when his heart had calmed enough for him to realise how close they were sitting, thigh to thigh, wrapped around eachother tightly and oh right, the rejection. This was fine though right? Friends sat like this.
"I came up to check on you, you seemed off in the common room, you ok? You know we don't blame you for the map right?". Harry shrugged attempting to burrow deeper into Freds grip, feeling the rumble of his chest as he laughed and wrapped his other arm around Harry. He nodded, he didn't know why he felt like this, maybe it was the breach of his safety, the fact that someone had touched something that was his.
His possessions, they had tried to take his things.
The anger surged again and he felt the arms around him tighten as Fred rested his face in Harrys hair. He was taller, a lot taller since taking the potions and since the righting of the adoption glamour but not as tall as Fred.
Harry breathed for what felt like an eternity before he tilted his face up to look at Fred, their faces so close, a mere breath between them as their eyes interlocked, sea storm blue meeting deep-green. From this close he could count every freckle, he was in too deep but couldn't bring himself to look away.
"Harry?"
Harry lunged back across the bed as Ron announced his entrance blushing for no reason what so ever.
"Mate you ok? What happened to all your stuff?" He asked, concern creasing his brow.
"Someone broke in, ransacked my stuff, Fred was helping me repair the damage, I'm going to go tell McGonagall what happened." He explained in one long breath before walking as fast as he could from the room without looking suspicious. Glances followed him through the common room and out into the hall, he walked in a daze to McGonagalls office. He needed to put, whatever that was out of his head, it was nothing, it was Fred for Merlins sake!
--
"Who would have wanted to get into your dorm?" Hermione asked as she slathered jam onto her toast at breakfast the next day, Harry had barely slept the previous night, searching his books from Etoile Noire, the dark ones specifically. Eventually he'd resorted to blood magic, at midnight while his friends slept he had wiped a bloody palm on the wood of his bed and trunk leaving them invulnerable and impenetrable to anyone but him before he'd finally been able to sleep. He just hoped nobody with good intentions tried to enter his bed or trunk, he wasn't totally sure on the repercussions as of the moment.
"Not sure Mione' there was nothing of value, my cloak, the map they're both still with me?" He pondered aloud as he pushed his eggs on toast around the plate before taking a small bite. His stomach rolled at the mouthful and he stopped to wait before he ate again. Hermione luckily didn't seem to notice.
"You don't think it could be Pettigrew do you? I mean all he would have had to do was wait outside in rat form until someone said the password?" Ron suggested as he stuffed a huge bite of sausage into his mouth that made Hermione grimace a little even as she nodded in agreement. Harry shook his head though,
"There were wards put up after Sirius was revealed to have used his form to get in, now the wards will only allow certain animals forms in like McGonagall and Sirius." he argued shoving his plate away and willing it to disappear.
"Sure, unless he was within the wards before they were put up?" Ron and Harry looked at Hermione who just shrugged. It would make sense Harry guessed, he really hoped she was wrong though.
"Hey, come on, we've got Herbology, Haz do you have your thing with Lupin today?" Ron asked, smoothy changing the topic and earning a stare from Hermione.
"Nope, detention from Snape", he said as he stood, 'looking forward to it, maybe ill ask him about occlumency"
"Hey maybe that's what the intruder was after' Hermione suggested as she joined the walk out of the hall catching onto Harrys arm, "you said you brought books from Sirius's place, his family's really dark so maybe they were after one of the books.".
"You just want to look through my books" Harry grinned, "But good idea, I'll check through them tonight."
"Great, i'll help!"