Chapter Text

So maybe I can be free to love you for an eternity

Fate sure was a strange thing.

It was able to turn one's entire life upside down, all in one moment. All it took was only one conversation, one incident or someone just walking into your life with just one thing that needed to go wrong. A heartbeat would pass like nothing and suddenly, it felt like there was no point in going on living anymore. And there was nothing in the whole entire world that would make this helplessness go away, as fate had already done her thing, pulled one too many strings to make this house of cards fall in on itself.

And in the next moment, when the damage had already been done, when all the harm had already been caused and the wounds of her last slashing had already become nothing more than faded scars, it seemed as if fate had suddenly taken pity,as she tried to smooth out those old battle wounds, finding ways to make it up to you, making it all seem worthwhile all over again.

It was the same for Simon right now.

His last conversation with Johnny had left him at the edge of a cliff, the sea raging underneath his feet and waiting for him to take that final step, violent waves readily awaiting to welcome him with a comforting hug and a promise of no longer having to hurt. And Simon had been struggling immensely, almost ready to take said step as everything just seemed so pointless and unimpotant. He saw no point in going on with this life after all and it seemed as if fate had nothing left in her possession to give to him that would be able to change his opinion.

But he must have been greatly mistaken about that, as suddenly, out of the blue of the raging sea, Johnny appeared, calming the sea in the process as their paths had crossed once again.

Who would have guessed that mere hours ago, Simon had only been the shell of a man, burrowed so deep in a crater filled with sorrow, pain and misery, that he didn't see no point in trying to get out of this pit again. There were so many overwhelming feelings that had settled around him like a heavy fog, making it hard to see what was right in front of him as the thick air flooded his lungs, settling there like wet cement, slowly drying and becoming harder than stone and making him suffocate.

And then, as if fate had a change of heart, it brought his Johnny right back to him.

It hadn't been the reunion out of movies or books, there was no upbeat music playing once they had locked eyes after all that time. It was a mere coincidence that they were even at the same place at the same time. But now that he really thought about it, the fact that no one had informed him about the last performance of the day, as if they had known something he didn't, raised several questions in his mind he would have to ask about later.

All that mattered right now, was that the scot had been brave enough to come up and talk to him. To say that he didn't feel angry or that the ever present pit of sadness in his heart made him ache in want at the sight of Johnny, would be a big fat lie. The most prominent emotion he had felt had been irritation. At the fact that the scot had the audacity to come look for him and still wanted to talk to Simon, even expecting him to listen.

Fate must have had a hand in his decision to stay and hear the scot out too, because knowing that all of this could have turned out entirely different if he had been thick-headed and decided not to listen to what the other man had to say at all, was strong enough to take him off his feet entirely. 

And the conversation they had, could have been taken right out of some shoddy romance novel.

To think that all this time they could have been together, months that had been wasted just because of miscommunication, was something Simon never wanted to experience ever again. All this time, they had been feeling the same for each other, yet they hadn't dared to talk about it because of a now seemingly unreasonable fear.

After Price had dismissed them, Simon led them to his car to finally get out of here and somewhere warmer as Johnny hadn't, once again, been wearing much. He even told Simon in passing that he'd just thrown on a hoodie right after his performance ended to come outside to look for him. So the brit wrapped the scot up in his jacket while they were walking to his car, pressed together in a side-hug and only parting briefly when Simon opened the passenger side door for the smaller man and walking to the other side of the vehicle to his respective seat.

All the while Simon couldn't take his eyes off of Johnny for even a second. Watching him like a hawk as the other man got into his car and buckled the seatbelt up.

He couldn't help it.

Call him ridiculous, but Simon felt nothing but warmth looking at Johnny. Warmth he hadn't felt in an eternity, warmer than any clothes or artificial heat could provide and Simon had been freezing for some time now. So naturally, he felt drawn to it, like the moon was to the earth and a moth was to a flame.

And as soon as he got into his seat and slammed the drivers-side door shut, Johnnys hand shot out to grasp Simons much bigger one and it would have been a lie to say that the taller man hadn't likewise been reaching out to keep at least a little of that warmth closer to him, now that he had gotten it back. Almost as if he was still afraid that there would be a chance of loosing this again.

He turned the key in the ignition with his left hand, cranking up the heat to the limit next, but made no move to drive off whatsoever.

Firstly, because he wanted the interior to heat up slightly to get that poorly surpressed tremble out of Johnnys frame, and also because he didn't want to just assume that they would be going to his place.

Sure, Simon had said 'let's go home' but he had thrown that out carelessly, not really thinking about what that would actually entail and now he was in a dilemma with himself.

He didn't want Johnny to think that they would be going back to his place, didn't want him to read into the gesture and conclude that Simons only intention with that was to start something sexual. Especially considering what they had done at his place the last time and what had happened right after. They needed to talk this out properly and in no way was he thinking about sex right now.

Sure, he wanted to be as close to the scot as possible, but cuddling and kissing sounded far more appealing and something both of them desperately needed right now as opposed to being close by literally sleeping together. It wouldn't feel right and Johnny deserved to be shown real affection in the form of someone being happy just holding and kissing him and reveling in being cuddled up and cozy together.

He didn't need another person convincing him that all he was good for was just his body or sex. If it was up to Simon, he didn't need that ever again, if Johnny decided he never wanted to sleep with him again.

Because all he needed and wanted, was Johnny as a person. Simon didn't want the scot to think about himself as someone who had been all but reduced to being only good for sexual favours.

In theory, his thoughts and opinions about Johnny sounded crystal clear in his head and right, but Simon was struggling. Because he knew that the scot maybe didn't think the same about himself and also because what if the things in his head just sounded right only to him, but really weren't?

And while his mind began to spiral again and he thought about every possible thing that could possibly go wrong again, because of this fear of misunderstanding, a little hoarse and barely audible voice in the back of his mind suggested that he just ask Johnny about where he wanted to go, tell him that he wanted to do nothing more than just wrapping him up in a blanket and cudddle him senseless.

What a wild concept, as if it was that easy to just ask for clarification.

Talking had always been such a foreign concept to him, that Simon hadn't even considered it.

But talking didn't have to be hard, he just had never learned how to communicate properly with someone, no one had ever taught him. But he wanted to learn, Simon wanted to be able to talk about things he wanted to say but didn't know how to voice, and that would most definitely be hard to learn.

A sudden icy-cold palm got placed to his warm cheek, making him jolt a little as he was ripped from his thoughts. He could feel the hand trying to pull away again apologetically, but before it could, Simon grasped the back of it, placing it right back where it had been and not letting go of it again.

His gaze cleared after blinking a few times, like he had just woken up from a daze, getting met by the scots icy-blues, a red glint in them, like the color of flames flickering in the dim light that was being produced by the dashboard.

"You with me, Simon?" Johnnys voice was a soft whisper between them, gentle smile on his lips as a thumb brushed against his cheekbone in a soothing manner. 

The brit couldn't help but return the smile, not even trying to hide the fond look on his face this time, fully allowing himself to have this, now that the fear of getting found out was diminished.

His sweet Johnny.

"Yeah..." He nuzzled into the warming palm, looking up at Johnny through his pale lashes "just..." He swallowed thickly as the smile involuntarily almost turned into a frown, lump forming in his throat. Ignoring the mirroring frown on the scots face, he dropped his gaze in an attempt to focus on his thoughts.

Simons frown only deepened as he thought about how to say what he wanted to say, mulling over words in his head and coming up with a vague direction in which he wanted to take this, how he wanted to say this.

Would he be able to clarify what he meant though? Just like he wanted to? He sincerely hoped Johnny wouldn't misunderstand or that the words suddenly failed him, now that he needed them the most.

Johnny was so smart and well spoken. Hell, he was literally studying literature. 

It almost made him even more anxious to think about how much better the scot probably was at this whole talking-thing, but then it hit him that this whole time, their pain and sorrow had been caused because both of them were just incapable of talking to each other and voicing their emotions, needs and thought like normal people.

Yes, talking was hard and he didn't know how to voice his needs properly yet, but he had sworn to himself that he would try, he wanted to try, especially for Johnny. But if they wanted this to work, both of them would have to put in the work that was necessary to prevent something like this from happening ever again.

Taking in a soothing and deep breath, Simon forced his face to relax, frown evening out. To soothe himself even further, he started brushing his thumb over the back of the hand on his cheek before he clenched Johnnys other hand that was already in his warm palm once in reassurance, finally meeting the scots eyes again with a sureness in his voice, that surprised even himself.

"Promise me that from now on, we will always try and talk to each other." Simon leveled him with a serious look "Promise me that we will always communicate about things before we overthink them too much. That we will ask for clarification, a million times over if needed, if it helps clearing up any misunderstandings, and that we will always be honest with each other." 

"I know it's going to be hard and that we both probably have to learn how to do all that, but promise me we will still try, no matter how hard it's going to be." He couldn't read the scots expression properly, as it was too dark to make out the soft features of his face properly.

"I love you and I want to be with you Johnny, I want to call you mine, I want to come home to you after a long day, I want to be able to kiss you, just for the sake of it, go on dates with you... but most importantly, I want us to work this out together." He felt the breath get stuck in his throat at the confessions bullying themselves out of his mouth "And if it doesn't work out in the end... I want to have at least tried to make it work." It took a lot out of Simon to say this, words he had never thought he'd say to anyone in his life, something he had never felt before.

But Simon Riley had never been more sure of anything else than what he felt for the scot right now.

"But I only want all of that, if you want that too."

It was intimidating to say all of that and it didn't help ease his anxiety that Johnny was just staring at him with a shocked expression on his face, not having said anything since he had started his little monologue. And there was still a small and lingering fear present that somehow, the scot didn't feel the same, that he didn't want to be with him and that Johnny wasn't actually as convinced of this concept of communication as Simon was.

He didn't regret saying the words though, it was better to try than to not do anything at all after all and if the other man told him right now, that he didn't want the same, Simon would once again, have to accept and respect that decision.

The silence between them dragged on and he slowly started to worry that his fears would be confirmed, but after a heartbeat longer passed, Johnny sent him a small watery smile.

"Yes... I want all of that too, Simon. It's all I have ever wanted with you." Johnny raised their entwined hands to wipe a stray tear away with his sleeve "And I promise, I want to try, I really do." Simon let out a relieved breath he hadn't been aware of holding in, even letting out a sudden chuckle, getting a sobbed chuckle as answer, before his face fell "And I do want to be with you, but..." Drawing both his hands back from Simon to drop them into his lap, a cold sweat broke out on the brits skin.

"Since we're on the topic of that, can I ask you something? I want you to be completely honest with me, no matter what, I want the brutal and honest truth, even if it hurts." This time it was Johnny fixing him with a serious look, fresh tears brimming in his eyes and not breaking the waterline yet. 

"You can ask me anything, love. I will always be honest with you." The truth behind those words was dripping off of them like morning dew on the blades of grass on a cold morning, undeniably honest and sincere. 

"Does it..." Johnny looked down at his hands, swallowing audibly "Don't I disgust you?" He didn't look up at Simon again, almost as if he was afraid of the answer he would be getting to his question. Johnnys face was contorted as if he was in pain, as it obviously took much out of him to even ask something like that.

Simon just blinked a few times, hating that he had been right with his assumption that Johnny though this way about himself.

"God, Johnny no." He huffed out in disbelief, pulling the scot forward into a crushing hug, pressing Johnnys face into his chest with a hand to the back of his neck and burying his own face into brown locks, already feeling the lump forming in his throat anew. Simon sounded almost wounded, voice miserable and nothing more than a whisper, hurt by the thought alone that Johnny had even expected his answer to be anything else than that.

"You could never, I don't care about any of that. You had no other choice, you were just trying to survive and I would never judge you for that, not for anything." And Simon meant this with every fibre of his being, with every fragment of his soul.

"But..." a high whine escaped the scots throat "I have slept with people for money" Johnny was full on sobbing again, muffled against Simons chest, violent tremors wrecking his body again as he gasped in some air and buried his fingers in the brits back almost painfully. But the tremors now were not born by the biting cold this time, instead they were caused by something being uncovered so deep within Johnnys soul, that had seemingly never seen the day of light.

The dam was finally breaking, as things he had never told anyone else before were being laid out before Simon. All of Johnnys biggest worries and fears were being revealed to him in a show of trust. And the only thing that Simon was able to do, was to just hold him.

"I don't have any money, I don't have a serious job, I'm barely making ends meet because of my uni fees, I don't have any family and I don't have anything but my body. How could you still-" Before that sentence was even finished, he pulled back slightly to cup Johnnys tear-stained face with both of his hands.

"I love you Johnny." Simon whispered, as if there was no other obvious answer to all of those fears spewing out of Johnnys mouth. He placed a long kiss onto a salty, wet cheek, already feeling the prinpicks of hot tears at the corners of his own eyes as the scot closed his, lip wobbling as fresh tears rolled down his cheeks.

It made his heart throb with a stabbing pain, knowing that Johnny thought so poorly like this of himself. He would love nothing more than 'a word' with whoever had convinced the scot to believe such bullshit about himself.

A very painful, very long word.

"I love you for you, Johnny. I don't care about any of that, it's not important to me. I only need you." Another kiss got placed to the closed lid of Johnnys eye "I love you so much, sweetheart. Nothing in the whole universe could change that. What matters to me is you, only you."

Simon hadn't known he was capable of voicing things he felt so deeply as he did right now. There was an unexplainable feeling making his heart do something weird, as if it had suddenly become much too big for his own body. And despite feeling so much right now, there was no way for him to describe it with words, even if he wanted to.

Pulling slightly back again, they gazed into each others eyes for a moment longer as the brit wiped the fresh tears away with the pads of his thumbs. They were only a breath apart, but Simon felt no other desire than to just hold Johnny to his chest protectively and hope that his heart was beating loud enough to whisper everything that he felt and couldn't yet voice aloud, into the other mans ear.

Noticing that the strap of the seatbelt was probably cutting uncomfortable into Johnnys skin, he pressed down onto the buckle to release it. As if the other man was thinking the same, he detangled himself to let the now limp strap fall back into it's place.

Settling into a comfortable hug once again, the sobs slowly evened out as Johnny nuzzled his cheek into Simons chest. Probably listening to his heartbeat, until a small chuckle made Simon hum in question.

"Nothing, just... all of this seems too good to be real." Seeing no other way to prove to him that this was in fact real and no weird dream or morphed reality, Simon pinched him in the side. It wasn't really a hard pinch at all, but the brit had memorized that Johnny was ticklish on that exact spot, so it wasn't a surprise when the scot pulled away in surprise.

"Oi! What was tha' for?" He gasped, tone obviously playfully offended as they looked at each other again, only centimetres apart.

"I pinched you." Simon deadpanned, as if it wasn't obvious. But it was more of a statement than answer and because he could, he reached out and pinched Johnnys cheek plafully, his hand getting swatted away.

"Does it seem real now?" Breaking out in a delighted chuckle as he turned his face away, Johnny let out a big huff.

"I think I'll need a few business days to process all of this, then I will probably have an answer for you." Johnny was smiling, looking down at his hands before he turned to look at him again, as if he too couldn't get enough of looking at Simon. 

They just stared at each other with small smiles before he felt the need to reach out to cup Johnnys face again.

"God, look at you, your make-up is all messy." Simon chuckled, wiping the smeared mess beneath Johnnys eye away with a thumb. Or well, he tried to at least, but it only caused him to make more of a mess than before.

"You look like a racoon now, whoops." Wetting his thumb a little with the tip of his tongue, he started another attempt of 'fixing' Johnnys new look, causing it to look impossibly messier than before as the scot pinched his eyes closed, face scrunched up in a displeased expression.

"Awa' an' bile yer head' " Johnny playfully swatted his hand away again after allowing a few fruitless seconds of Simon smudging the black around on his face even more. Trying and failing to escape Simons touch, Johnny was prevented from wiggling around too much as the little space in the car kept him in place and the brit had the unfair advantage of being in possession of longer arms, so naturally, he did not stop his attack on the scot.

"English, you caveman." He chuckled as he poked at Johnnys ribs over and over again, making the other man squeal with laughter as he still tried to get away fruitlessly.

"Si, fuck off!" Simons heart skipped a beat at that, some sensation that could only be described as butterflies in his stomach making it swoon as he felt the need to cry again rise up in his throat at the fact that their banter had come back so naturally again.

He couldn't help it, suddenly grasping the swatting arm to pull the other man closer, leaning in to connect their lips in a soft kiss with closed eyes. Johnny immediately went pliant and still, placing a hand against Simons chest for leverage. He even felt a hot tongue licking at the seam of his lips.

"I love you." He pulled back before either of them could deepen the kiss, instead placing a few short pecks against a now dry but salty cheek, unable to surpress the corners of his mouth turning up in a big smile as he pulled back to consider the scot again.

"Yeah yeah, not like I forgot, considering you said it like 10 seconds ago." Johnny shook his head fondly with a huff, matching smile on his face.

"Well I wanted to remind you, in case it still didn't feel real." He tapped a finger against the tip of the scots nose softly, turning to catch and buckle his seatbelt up.

"You're a sap, Simon." Johnny snickered, turning his head to fruitlessly try and hide the way only one side of his mouth turned up in a crooked smile as he too, reached for his seatbelt. The brit watched him expectantly, waiting, but Johnny just fixed the buckle and didn't look at him again.

"Say it back." He demanded then in a mock serious tone, still staring at the other man expectantly.

"Aye, I love ye too. Happy?" This time Johnny laughed properly, obviously delighted and no longer hiding his beautiful face as he leant forward to place a kiss on Simons lips, eyes lit up with an emotion he could only interpret as happiness.

"Aye." He mocked, getting a light jab in the ribs in response.

And he would never miss a chance to say those words at every opportunity he got. They didn't even come close to what he really felt about Johnny, but for now, they would have to do until Simon found even better words to describe how he felt about the scot what.

"So, where do you want to go?" He put the car in reverse to pull out of the parking spot, turning around and hooking one hand behind Johnnys headrest to get a better look out of the rear-window.

"Wherever you go, I'll go too." And damn, if that didn't immediately make his heart throb once again.

"You're real helpful, MacTavish. I meant yours or mine." Playing it off as if Johnnys words just now didn't have any effect on him, Simon straigthened out again, finally driving off. The scot didn't respond for a moment and that's when Simon realized, he wasn't supposed to know Johnnys last name. He had never told him what it was after all.

Whoops.

"Oh? So we're on a last name basis now? What's yer whole name then? Only fair I know it too now." He chanced a glance at Johnny, artificial pout to his lips and arms crossed over his chest loosely, looking like a pouting child.

"Riley." He answered, unnamed emotions making him suddenly feel cold all over again. But despite that, he still turned the knob of the thermometer back in an effort to not have to look at the scot. He could almost feel Johnny frown, obviously confused at his clipped answer.

"I thought your name was Simon?" And as fast as he had thought he had found the right words earlier, they suddenly slipped right past him again.

"It is." He didn't really see the need to clarify any further, or rather, he didn't really know what else to say or how to explain the complicated relationship he had with his literal identitiy and name. 

He didn't even get the chance to start pondering about what to say as Johnny tilted his head in question, like a curious puppy trying to figure something out.

"...and what's yer last name then?" Confusion coloring his voice, Johnny sounded like he was talking to a difficult toddler right now, still curious but patient.

"That is my last name." He hated how fast the mood had suddenly shifted again, and it was all his fault. There was no need for him to act so... reserved. Sooner or later Johnny would have found out everything about him anyway, especially if they got into a serious relationship after that.

Yet, there was still a fear lingering inside of him, that Johnny would be able to connect the dots and figure out that Simons family had been brutally murdered since it had been all over the news after it had happened. In the past, he's had to endure lots of reactions when people found out that part about his life. Not every reaction had necessarily been bad, but he was afraid of Johnny pitying him for his past.

The scot had laid already so much of himself out for Simon, and despite feeling that same trust, the brit was still scared on how Johnny would react to realizing that Simon Riley was a broken and deeply troubled man.

"Really?" Johnny let out a delighted chuckle, complete different reaction than he had expected "Yer name consists of two first names??" Simon looked at the scot for a moment before averting his eyes back to the road again.

"Not like I had much say in the matter, did I?" He scoffed, realizing that Johnny didn't show any recognition that would indicate he knew about his familiy's too soon demise all those years ago.

"Ah guess no' but ye could have said that instead of going all shy on me and making such a mistery out of it." Johnny turned his head to look out of the window, humming quietly, profing that he was apparently already done with this topic and wasn't questioning this further.

They drove in silence for a little bit, Simons thoughts running a million miles per second before he took a deep breath and released it again.

"Ever heard about the Riley massacre? Happened around Christmas about a decade ago." Johnny looked at him a little puzzled, shaking his head slowly "You haven't?" He chanced another sideway glance at the other man, getting met by a shrug and another shake of his head.

"No? I was around..." Johnnys eyes flitted heavenwards in thought "I think I must have been 11 at that time, didn't really hear much about life outside the village I lived in. Didn't really watch any news either." He had been so afraid of Johnny finding out, making the connection between his last name and that fateful day. But turns out that once again, he had been worrying too much for nothing.

It made him want to slap himself.

With a little manouvering, he pulled his phone out, unlocking it and going to the saved browsers to pull up a newspaper article that he had opened up countless of times before and handed Johnny the phone. Despite having it read to the point that he should be able to recite it word for word, Simon always seemed to immediately forget it's contents again and not remembering anything written in it right after getting done reading it.

Kate had told him that was a trauma response. He did remember most of it, but the small and seemingly unimportant parts were being blocked out by his brain as a sort of safety precaution.

To put it frankly, he'd been the main attraction in said article. A lot had changed in what the media could write about and what not over the years, but considering that this one was written a decade ago, it wasn't surprising to find that it included Simons full name as well as a picture of him as a child, taken as he was being escorted to an ambulance surrounded by police.

His hands and clothes had been coated in the crimson blood of his dead mother and the look on his face told of a haunting fate. Every little detail they had been able to pick out was printed and released for the world to see and Simon hadn't needed said article to know what had happened as he had witnessed everything in person. He was still able to recall what had happened on that god-awful night, but some things were hazy and the article filled in those gaps for him temporarily.

Like what day of the week it was, what time it happened, how many police cars were present that day, who had called the police and lastly, how often the police had been called to their house before, only for them to dismiss the case as normal and harmless argumenting, the type of argumenting that happened in normal households.

But the Rileys hadn't been a normal household and holding a gun to your own family's head wasn't normal arguing.

What a seemingly unfortunate and preventable incident it was that occured that night.

It had been years when he had finally been able to look that date up on the internet, scouring the internet for any information he could find.

Simon had thought he'd be able to stomach it, a foolish assumption really, as he was thrown right back to that night upon getting confronted by the countless of pictures and articles being presented to him.

The police and later Price had done wonders hiding Simon from the media and the other way around, yet bits and pieces of his own life had still been found out and had somehow made the rounds. It was an immense relief knowing that after some time had passed, everyone had already forgotten about it again, just like they always did.

But not Simon.

He would never be able to forget about it, as he was cursed to carry that traumatic event with him until the end of his days.

Johnny had been quiet for a long time as Simon forced himself to focus on driving and the road.

A sudden sob ripped him out of his thoughts, as they came to a stop at a red light. He looked at Johnny, still gripping the phone in both of his hands and wiping over his face with the sleeve of his hoodie.

"Guess that saves us both the trouble of having to introduce each other to our parents." Simon deadpanned in an honest effort to lift the mood again.

"Simon, that's terrible." Johnny sobbed while laughing at the same time which only caused more tears to stream down his face. He wasn't sure if the scot meant the article he had just read, or the god-awful joke just now, but he still counted it as a win.

Johnny locked his phone and put it down in the middle console, before looking up and sending him a sad but understanding look, eyes wet with fresh tears.

"Humour is how I cope with trauma." Simon pressed out before Johnny was able to say anything about what the had just read, hoping that he didn't have to talk about it in detail yet as today had already been one hell of a rollercoaster ride of emotions.

"How are you able to cope then? Considering ye have none-" He shut Johnny up with a sudden and long kiss, preventing him from saying anything more.

"I want to tell you about my family and I want to learn about yours too, but not tonight." He placed a kiss on Johnnys temple "Tonight is just ours."

"Okay." Johnny whispered, wiping the last of his tears away and immediately finding his smile again.

The light turned green then and he took off with screeching tires.

They still hadn't decided where to go, yet somehow they ended up at Johnnys apartment complex. It was as if Simons mind and body had taken them here without any of his input, muscle memory just deciding for him. Johnny didn't seem to mind at all though, jumping out of the car to round it and join Simon in a sideways hug again, hands immediately finding each other.

They kept close as they made their way inside, the scot pulling out a bunch of keys before unlocking his door and entering his home.

"Hi baby, look who I brought with me." Johnny cooed at what could only be the kitty while taking off his shoes, to which she chirped back in response, confirming that it was indeed her he was talking to while the door swung open to be widely ajar for him to enter.

But Simon didn't enter immediately, he was just standing in the door, like a vampire asking to be let in, eyes fixed on the no longer small and fuzzy namesake rubbing herself against Johnnys calves in greeting.

He was once again, for the seemingly millionth time tonight, overcome with something that made him want to bawl his eyes out.

"Si? You coming in?" And as he looked at Johnny, smiling so sweetly at him, the person he loved more than life itself and the kitty peering up at him with the same adoration as in the smallers mans eyes, he knew he had found his place in this world. He was right where he belonged, next to the two of them, and he'd never want to be anywhere else.

It felt like finally coming home and suddenly, he felt no longer lost.

A stretch of time later, after they had eaten something in Johnnys small kitchen with shared banter and laughs, had showered together and re-dressed into comfortable clothes, they found themselves cuddled up in bed together.

The window was cracked a split, letting cool air in and letting the warm air escape. Not that it mattered, as there were enough blankets and covers draped over both of them and they had each other to keep them warm. Johnny was pressed against Simons side, head on his chest and arms wound around the taller man in a loose hug. Simon in return had his chin leaned against brown locks, one hand petting said curls back in an even motion as his other arm was protectively draped over his lovers back.

The kitty had nestled herself against his other side, curled into a ball with her back pressed against Simons ribs and her front paws hugged around his biceps. Johnny was occasionally petting over her whiskers and fur with a careful hand.

"She has grown so much." The brit whispered, looking down at the furball as Johnny smoothed a hand over his chest, humming in confirmation. In some way, it made him sad that the kitty wasn't the small fuzzy furball he was able to hold in only one hand anymore. It was also another reminder as to how much time had passed since he had last seen her and Johnny.

But he couldn't turn back the time and all that mattered was now and that he had both of them back in his arm again.

"She really has." He pet over her head, getting a mrrp in response "I'm glad she's here, otherwise I probably would have gone insane." Johnnys voice was vibrating against his pectorals and although it sounded like another joke, Simon knew that there was more truth to those words than simple banter.

"How did you cope?" It was the first time tonight that either of them actually acknowledged how they had been during their separation and judging by the scots overall appearance, he hadn't been much better off than Simon himself.

"I... don't know. I didn't really." Johnny let out a bemused huff, drawing nonsensical patterns with his fingers onto Simons chest "Spent a lot of time at Königs place and talking to his boyfriend helped me not feel too lonely." Simon hummed at that. He was glad to hear that Johnny had someone like König by his side. He would make sure to apologize and thank the taller man the next time they crossed paths, hoping that there was still the possibility of becoming friends after all of this. Considering König had been very protective before and that he had even been borderline threatened by the brick shithouse of a man in the past in case he hurt Johnny.

"Well, I say talking but Gary is actually mute. I understand a little bit of sign language, that's why I understood what you wanted to tell me that one time Philipp hauled me away." The brit hadn't really been paying a lot of attention just now, enjoying cuddling with the scot a little too much to properly register his words. But suddenly, something clicked into place in his head.

"Hold on a fucking second." He sat up a little, reaching for his phone and unfortunately jostling both Johnny and the kitty in the process.

"Gary? Roach?" Simon pulled up a really goofy looking picture of Roach (since he didn't have any normal or serious ones) holding it out for Johnny to look at it.

"Yeah?" The scot raised his head a little to look at it before raising his gaze to stare at Simon "You know him too?" He kept quiet for a moment, mulling everything over in his head.

"Actually... that makes a lot make sense then." For a second, he felt betrayed by the mute man. That fucker had known Johnny all this time and not cared to say one word. It also made the angry conversation they have had in Prices kitchen make more sense now.

"He's been my best friend for like a decade now. We even work together." He explained, shaking his head in disbelief.

"That's why he was at the party today!" Johnny pointed out, face lightning up in recognition.

"Showed him a picture of you once and he didnt even look at it properly and when I pointed that out, he was like why do I need to?" Simon scoffed, placing his phone back on the nightstand before settling into the pillows again, fondly petting over Johnnys hair again when he too settled back on his chest again. The kitty only looked at him with a miffed and sleepy expression before curling into a ball a little further away from them on the bed.

"He sometimes had some mobility issues after... certain activities with a certain boyfriend he kind of didn't give much info on. Now that I know it's König, all of it makes a little more sense." He couldn't help but join Johhnys full blown laugh at that, not feeling even a little bit of pity for his best friend.

Serves him right to get almost dicked to death.

"I kinda played the wing-man for the two of them. Watched them oggle each other for weeks before I got sick of it and finally managed to get them to exchange numbers." Johnny started making kissy noises at cat-Ghost, but stopped when he got blatantly ignored by her "Witch."

"What a diva." Simon responded in a mock serious tone.

"Oh man, I could expose him to you in all of the best ways." The scot turned to look up at him, mischievious glint in his eyes "But that can wait until tomorrow." They smiled at each other again before Johnny leant in to kiss him. The scot got up from the bed to close the window all the while Simon looked him up and down.

He had noticed earlier during their shower that Johnny had lost a lot of weigth. His collarbones were more prominent than before and his hipbones were more noticeable too.

"You look... thinner." The observation was out of his mouth before he could stop it, making Johnny halt in his steps on the way back to the bed.

"Didn't exactly look that much after myself." He sat down on the bed, sitting on the covers while facing the brit. It looked like relief was swimming in his eyes, smile a little shy, but still looking reliefed at the fact that he was finally able to talk openly about his struggles with Simon.

"How were you doing, Simon?" Johnny reached out to hold his hand, knowing look on his face as he started petting the brits hand.

"Not too great either." He didn't want to lie or overexaggerate what he had gone through, but he also didn't want to make Johnny feel bad or even guilty at the fact that he hadn't been able to cope, so he decided to pan the attention back onto the scot.

"What about school?" He was almost afraid to ask this, but judging by the fact that the scot had been working tonight must mean that he was still attending.

"Did good for the most part." Johnny reached over him to pet the kitty with his other hand "I'll be graduating in June." Johnny wasn't looking at him, eyes staring at the cat seemingly unseeing, as if he was searching for something to ground him.

"I still have to work on my final presentation and then I have to study for the final exams until my eyes fall out." He sent Simon a small smile before looking down again.

"I know I can do it now." That statement implied that there must have been a time, where Johnny hadn't been convinced of being able to make it. It went left unsaid that the scot was positive of being capable of doing this now that they were finally reunited, yet Simon still understood the implication of it. The brit considered him for a little while before stroking his thumb over Johnnys palm.

Johnny had made it this far with no one by his side, no family to support him and still never gave up, even when it got hard. He had to fight his way through life alone, had to figure out how to coordinate through university and a job that forced him to sell pieces of his soul in order to be able to follow his dreams and it reminded Simon so much of himself, that he felt a swell of pride while looking at him.

"I'm so proud of you, Johnny." He couldn't help but say it, responding to the scots wide eyed look with a small, proud smile.

Johnny just stared at him before his eyes welled up with tears and he was understandibly starting to fucking bawl once again. It had been a little unfair just springing something Johnny had probably never been told like that on him out of the blue, so Simon just sat up to catch him in a hug, carefully cradling his head in his palm and placing kisses to the crown of his head.

"That's not cool, dude." Johnny sobbed between breaths, clinging to him like a lifeline.

"Don't call me dude." Simon huffed between kisses, mock offended at the title but not taking offense at the answer. Hell, he hadn't known what to say to that the first time Price told him he was proud of him either.

"That's not cool, man." Johnny decided to be a little shit instead, still sobbing and burying his face in the brits chest, but he still knew that the smile was already back on the scots face.

"Come here." They were already hugging and impossibly closely pressed together, but Simon wanted to be closer still. So he slid down the pillows a little to maneuvere Johnny to straddle his lap and pulled him to his chest while pressing their faces together cheek to cheek as one hand was still cupping the back of the scots neck.

"Don't cry sweetheart, you'll get a headache." He turned slightly to press kisses into every inch of skin he was able to reach like this while Johnny continued sniffling.

"My heid's already mince." The scots voice was still hoarse from crying, so he just continued rubbing Johnnys back and neck, laughing earnestly at the confession.

Eventually, Johnny turned his head to place it on Simons shoulder, resting his hands on either side of his ribs.

"No one has ever said that to me." The scot admitted after some time with a small voice, sounding almost startled from that revelation. It sent a pang of hurt through his chest to hear that, since Johnny deserved so much better and life.

"Shame on them, then." He whispered, placing a kiss to Johnnys neck "Better get used to it, I'll be saying that every chance I get now." 

"You're unbelievable." Johnny huffed, nuzzling his cheek against his shoulder "You'll spoil me rotten, Riley."

"You deserve to be spoiled." He just said in response. And it was true, he still stood by the point that Johnny deserved everything and more and he would make sure he would get what was deserved.

They had been going back and forth on unimportant topics, talking about what was new and just holding each other all the while, reveling in each others presence.

"Sonja actually came forward a few months ago, provided enough evidence to get that fucker Graves behind bars for some time." They had naturally gotten to the topic of the Rabbits Den after some time. Johnny had told him what kind of torture he had to go through after they stopped seeing each other and it made an ugly feeling of hot rage boil up in the pit of his stomach. It made Simon only tighten his grip on the scot and place kisses throughout the duration of him recalling those traumatic encounters.

"Due to some... circumstances it will still take a few months to finally get him locked up though." Said circumstances were actually the process of trying to find good income jobs for each and every worker there as per Sonjas only request when she signed herself up to play the mole during all of their operation. She had also been making sure that Graves didn't find out what they were planning.

Johnny had gotten quiet on him again, a sudden shudder wrecking his frame.

"Just in time for graduating." He whispered "I vaguely knew what was going on, I've talked to Price a few times. He had come up to me during some of my shifts and I remembered him from the time you were hiding from him in the club."

"So I was a little hesistant at first to talk about anything in fear of Graves but... Sonja started helping me out a lot and often times even took the grunt of Graves' outbursts." He seemingly was deep in thought again, voice havinf turned monotone.

"You don't need to go back there ever again, Johnny." Simon whispered, hands still rubbing over the scots back "We'll figure it out together." Simon had never gone to university, but he had asked around and found out that the monthly fees of attending classes were actually not that much and doable. But there were only roughly about four months left and he had enough saved up money to help Johnny out in that regard.

"I can't thank you enough Si, but I can't accept that." He wasn't surprised by that answer at all, yet it still stung him in the worst way possible. 

"I've been saving money for the past few years, it wasn't much and I've sometimes though about ripping into my savings when work had been too gruelling, but I already knew from the start that I would spend the last months before graduation just studying." Johnny turned his head to look at a wide-eyes Simon, smiling earnestly up at him "Just been waiting for the right opportunity to tell Graves that I won't be showing up anymore. But every time I got the chance to, I got cold feet and couldn't do it."

"Let me do it for you then" The brit placed a kiss to Johnnys forehead "Wanted to have a word with the bastard anyway and I think I'm not the only one that feels that way."

He was more than relieved to know that Johnny wouldn't be going back to that shithole again and he was even more overjoyed at the fact that he would finally get a chance to 'have a word with Mr Philipp' and something told him that König would be more than happy to help him out on that regard.

"You know, I wish we could have talked about all of these things... sooner, cleared up these misunderstandings. It would have spared us so much pain." Johnny had been quiet for the longest time, making Simon even think that he had fallen asleep. But apparently he had been lying awake just like him, thinking about todays events.

"Considering how we met and everything... I'd say we can get away with the fact that we didn't have the guts to talk about any of it at all." His voice was deep and gravelly from being tired, but he didn't feel like going to sleep yet. Not when he could be awake and spend time with Johnny.

"Can I ask you why Ghost?" The scots speech was a little slurred now and he sounded more incoherent than before, indicating that he was in the same boat as him. The question was a little sudden and he hadn't expected it, yet Simon was more than happy to answer anything Johnny wanted to know.

The kitty decided to join their cuddle pile again in that moment, walking over and flopping herself down in the V of Simons arm, which he opened up further for her. She took that opportunity to lean her head against his arm, purring loudly why kneading the shirt at his side in contentment.

"I was a sneaky kid growing up, no one ever heard me make any sound." Johnny grunted, indicating that he was still listening "All it was, was a safety precaution I had learned in order to not get heard by my father." He had never told anyone the real reason behind his persona, not even Price knew this "My brother had started calling me Ghost because of that, so I started calling myself that after he was gone. It was kind of my way of honoring him."

"The thing is, Ghost is like a different person than Simon. Every time I dissociate, I revert back to Ghost and I don't feel like Simon at all. The night after we met I was suddenly more Simon again and it messed with my head pretty badly." Mulling his words over again, he sighed defeatedly "It's confusing even to myself and I can't really explain it." Johnny just grunted again, patting over his chest. Naturally, Simon would talk about this in more detail some time later, but they're already drained from packing years of not being able to say what was on their mind into a single night, so it wasn't a pressing matter to do all that right now.

"Tha's alrigh'." Johnny just slurred and having it so easily accepted without a fuzz, made his heart skip a beat. Johnny accepting him wholly, with all of his issues and struggles, meant more to him than anything.

"The real reason behind Soap is actually because I used to love bubble baths as a wee bairn, even managed to flood the bathroom with bubbly foam a few times." He chuckled at Johnnys dead-tired voice, making him join in with a sleepy chuckle before they settled again.

It was a weird sort of sentiment he felt at the fact that both of their nicknames were fragments of a childhood that they had long lost.

"I don't think I can call you that anymore... it feels wrong." A questioning hum made him elaborate further "I associate it with you working at the Rabbits Den and I don't know if you do too, because so many people there have called you that and did things to you and... you're not just an object for their sexual fantasies, you're so much more than that, Johnny." 

"I like the sound of Johnny better anywa'." Johnny slurred and Simon could only agree to the sound of that, kissing the top of his head in answer.

"Will you tell me when it gets bad again?" The scot definitely wasn't aware of how that made Simons throat tighten once again with the threat of tears.

"I promise." He muttered into the dark room, noticing Johnny shift a little, tangling their legs together and nuzzling his face into his neck a little further, hot puffs of breath making the hairs there stand up to all end.

"Thank you, Simon. For telling me and trusting me... and especially for loving me." This time Johnny sounded far away and at the verge of sleep, probably not even realising what all of this did to Simon.

That was enough to make him start crying silently, tears rolling over his cheeks and soaking into brown locks of hair.

"How could I not? You deserve the world and I'll try and give it to you." His voice was barely a whisper anymore "You're so precious to me..." He placed a kiss to the damp locks before continuing "I'm all yours, just say the word and I'll do anything you ask of me, just for you."

No answer came this time as he realized that the even breathing of the smaller man had synchronised with the low purring from kitty-Ghost, indicating that Johnny hadn't heard the last part at all.

It didn't matter though, he would just tell him once he got the next chance to.

Which he knew would come soon enough, as morning was only mere hours away and if he had been able to wait months to say all of that, than a few more hours were more than bearable for him.