Work Text:
~*~
Sam closes the book, and yawns, rubbing away the tiredness in his eyes. He looks next to him at Dean who fell asleep as soon as he hit the bed a few hours ago. But Sam had been too wired up to just sleep so he decided to read a little before bed. Now he’s tired but still a little wired.
He can’t really pinpoint what has him in this state. The job he got a month ago at the bookstore/coffeehouse is going very well. Dean’s morning sickness has completely gone away two weeks ago and now he seems to feel much better, even though he still has days where he feels tired. Sam had been worried at first, but Sabine had assured him that it is normal. They haven’t had any supernatural encounters since they moved to Queentribes, and Sam counts that as a huge blessing because the last thing he wants is to deal with an angry spirit right now. The baby is healthy and growing fast, and Sam can’t wait for it to be here.
See, he doesn’t have a reason to feel so at the edge tonight, and because he can’t decipher what’s wrong, he’s stuck with this feeling that something might go wrong soon.
Damn, he just told Dean a few weeks ago to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop, and here he is tonight, waiting for that to happen.
“Why aren’t you asleep yet?”
Dean’s voice startles him enough he drops the book. “Geez, Dean, warn a man!”
“Not my fault you’re stuck in that head of yours,” Dean grumbles from his lying position. “What’s wrong?”
“I…don’t know,” Sam confesses, moving to pick up the book from the floor.
Sam hears Dean sigh from the bed, and when he goes back to sit on it, Dean has gotten himself in a sitting position and is waiting for him. “Sammy?”
Sam shrugs. “I’m sorry, I really don’t.”
“How can you not?” Dean asks incredibly.
“I just feel odd, that’s all. You should go back to sleep, I’ll be fine.”
Dean groans. “I can’t just go back to sleep like that. Want to tell me what you’re thinking about?”
Sam nags at his lower lip, trying to figure it out. “Maybe a bad feeling?”
“About?”
“Nothing in particular. I really don’t know, Dean. I just have this unease at the pit of my stomach since this morning, and it hasn’t gotten away.”
Dean nods. “Are the doors salted?”
“Yes,” Sam answers, confused.
“Sigils by the windows?”
“Yes.”
“We have a pair of guns under the bed?”
“Yeah,” Sam says still confused.
“The Impala ready to go in case of an emergency?”
“Yes, why are you asking me this?”
“I’m just trying to point out that we’re ready for whatever comes at us, and you shouldn’t be worried about it.”
Sam relaxes into his pillow. “I know.”
“Then stop worrying so much, Sammy. We’re okay.”
Sam nods, taking a deep breath. “Okay.”
“Now, let’s sleep because you have to work tomorrow, and I have another awesome day of searching for jobs.”
Sam snorts but listens to Dean and lies down. “I guess I got nothing to worry about then.”
“That’s what I’m saying,” Dean assures, lying down to face Sam. “Now, sleep.”
Sam sighs but lets himself relax and Dean's words comfort him.
Whatever it’s that’s bothering him, he can deal with it later.
~*~
One of the good things about Dean feeling better is that it has given place to his hormones to switch it up, and Sam has noticed Dean’s sex drive rise tenth fold over the last few days.
Like now, when he’s on the floor by the door, pants down to his ankles because Dean jumped on him as soon as he got home from work; naked and prepped for Sam’s dick. Sam curses when Dean gives a particular swirl to his hips making his cock go deeper. It’s not that Sam minds, hell, he’s enjoying it a bit too much, and he knows that as soon Dean’s belly gets bigger this will probably pass, so why not take advantage of his brother’s horniness.
“Yeah, right there,” Dean pants, as he rides Sam’s dick oh so deliciously slow, like he wants this to last forever, and makes Sam bang his head on the floor from the overload of sensation and arousal he’s feeling.
“Fuck, Dean,” Sam manages to gasp out, as Dean plants his hands on Sam’s chest and his movements go faster. It doesn’t take too long after that, and Sam it’s not ashamed of it when his orgasm is punched out of him as Dean comes all over his shirt and clenches around Sam’s cock.
Dean falls forward, breathing heavily on Sam’s sweaty neck.
“Well, that was a new one,” Sam comments when he can speak again.
Dean snickers. “Shut up.”
“Next time, can we make it to the couch at least? My back would truly appreciate it.”
Dean laughs this time. “Alright, old man.”
Sam chuckles.
“Food, and round two?” Dean asks after a minute.
“Oh my, what am I going to do with you?” Sam fake complains.
“You love it, and you know it,” Dean defends.
Sam smiles but doesn’t answer. “Okay, food first.”
Dean nods and gets up, handing Sam his hand to help him up.
“You should, uh, put some clothes on first,” Sam suggests.
“Why? Easy access!” Dean says going to the kitchen.
Sam shakes his head amused, and follows him.
“You’re so gross.”
“Again, and you love it.”
Sam totally does.
~*~
“I can’t believe this freaking town,” Dean grouches, as he slams the front door shut.
Sam peaks from the kitchen at the noise. “You okay?”
“No!”
Sam comes out to meet Dean in the foyer. “What’s going on?”
“What’s going on is that this town barely has any jobs available, and what I’ve tried to get a job for they won’t hire me because I have got a bun in the oven. As they put it ‘they don’t want someone that will need to be out for a few months after being hired’,” Dean explains angrily.
“That sounds a bit discriminatory,” Sam agrees.
“It doesn’t matter, they won’t give me a job, so now I’m stuck. And I really wanted a job Sam, I’m going bananas being in this house all day.”
“Dean,” Sam starts calmly.
“Don’t Dean me.”
“It’s not that big of a deal. I can support us both in the meantime. You can search for a job once the baby is here and a bit older.”
Dean stares at him incredulously. “I can’t believe you just said that,” he huffs mad. “Have you met me?”
“I do know you. But I think you’re taking this way harder than it should be. Maybe it’s just the hormones.”
“Sam, if you don’t stop talking, I swear I will punch you.”
Sam raises his hands in surrender. Obviously, Dean is more upset about this than he thought, but Sam does really believe is not a big deal. “Just take a deep breath. It’s going to be okay.”
Dean growls. “Stop it.”
“Dean, what is really going on?”
“I already told you. You know what? I’m just gonna go for a walk because I'm just not in the mood for this,” Dean says, turning towards the doors, and leaving before Sam can stop him.
Sam blinks surprised, and has half a thought of going after Dean. But contrary to what Dean just accused him of, he does know his brother, and caging him isn’t going to end well. So, he’ll let Dean go for a walk.
They can talk when he comes back.
~*~
Dean doesn’t come back for hours, and Sam panics a little, enough that he starts to blow up his phone. But Dean doesn’t answer and that feeling at the pit of Sam’s stomach comes back. He goes out and starts to walk around town, once he notices Dean took the Impala with him. It takes him a few hours to go around the town and to find nothing. He panics even more at that point, and his brain starts to come up with different scenarios of what could have happened to Dean. He never believes that Dean has left him, because it’s not in his brother to do that, but a tiny part of him does focus enough on that to make it a new fear.
Sam doesn’t sleep that night, still calling Dean until his voicemail is full and he can’t leave any more messages. He tries to understand where everything went wrong. It can’t be just that Dean can’t get a job, and he understands that for Dean is hard to stay still and dormant for so long. But they had this combo before, and Dean had assured him that he could do it. That he wanted to have this baby even if their lives were going to change. So, what the hell is his problem?
Yes, Sam is mad and super worried at this point. Because he has to think that Dean is simply ignoring his call, as he can’t live with the possibility that something bad happened to him.
Then Dean finally calls him the next morning and tells Sam where he is. Sam takes the bus to the next two towns and gets dropped at the motel near the end. He knocks the door first, and Dean opens the door without saying anything. He moves to let Sam in, and Sam waits until he closes the door, as he takes a quick look at the dingy room.
He surely didn’t miss this.
“What the fuck?” Sam snaps.
Dean has the decency of looking guilty.
“Start talking, right now,” Sam demands.
“I went on a hunt,” Dean blurts out.
Sam reals back. “What?”
“It was a simple ghost hunting, I read about it a couple of days ago.”
Sam takes a deep breath. “Dean, do you realize what you’re saying?”
Dean nods. “I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have, and it was irresponsible of me, but it was right there, and Sammy, I’m really going crazy in that house. I just couldn’t help myself.”
Sam stares at him incredulously. “You couldn’t help yourself? You’re pregnant!”
“I know!”
“What if the ghost had thrown you to a wall too hard, or tripped you on the stairs? What if you have gotten hurt? What if you had lost the baby? Would have been okay knowing it was your fault?” Sam says harshly.
“Sammy,” Dean whispers, hurt but doesn’t refute Sam’s words.
“I can’t believe you! I’ve told you I get how hard this is for you but…”
“No, you don’t,” Dean interjects.
Sam’s mouth snaps shut. He regards Dean before speaking again. “What aren’t you telling me?”
Dean’s shoulders slump. “I miss hunting. I thought I could do it; I really did. But it’s too hard. All I’ve known is hunting. Hell, I barely remember my life before that. It’s easy for you because having a normal life is all you ever wanted. But I don’t, Sam. Just knowing that there are people out there dying because I’m not doing my job anymore makes my skin crawl.”
“There are other hunters doing the job,” Sam interjects.
Dean leans against the door tiredly. “But I’m not out there.”
“Dean, you said you wanted to have the baby. You can’t have both things.”
“Why? Dad did it.”
Sam laughs humorlessly. “Dad is a poor example of parenting, no matter that he did his best. And we can do much better than him,” he says. “We’ve been through so much; don’t we deserve a better life? Doesn’t this baby deserve to feel safe?”
Sam can see Dean’s eyes water, and he stops looking at Sam.
“You need to let go, Dean, please,” Sam begs. “I can’t go on if something happens to you or the baby.”
Dean bites his lower lip. “I don’t know if I can.”
Sam sighs, defeated. “Then I can’t be part of it.”
Dean looks back at him, surprised. “What are you saying?”
“I won’t go back to hunting, and I can’t watch you put our baby’s life in danger. I want to be here for you, and I want to raise this baby together. But I can’t do it like this, Dean. I can’t also force you to do anything, and you’re the one carrying our baby. So, I guess we’re at an impasse.”
“Sam,” Dean starts to say. “Please understand.”
“I can’t,” Sam admits. “Once you decide what it’s important to you, I will be waiting in that house that drives you crazy,” Sam ends up saying and walks towards the door. Dean moves out of the way but doesn’t say anything else. Sam doesn’t let the hurt in Dean’s eyes deter him from opening the door to leave.
“Happy birthday, Dean,” Sam says before closing the door behind him.
Outside he takes a deep breath again, but doesn’t let the tears pulling in his eyes fall. He walks away, even though all he wants to do is to turn around. He wishes he could give Dean this, but it’s the only thing he will put his foot down. They made a promise to each other to never go through another catastrophic event ever again, and somehow this feels worse than going through an apocalypse.
Sam would take fighting Lucifer all over again if it meant staying together forever.
~*~
A week passes by, and Sam doesn’t hear from Dean. It hurts, but Sam has come to the conclusion that he needs to give Dean his space. He has faith that Dean will see the light and come back. But he’s also afraid that he won’t. His heart aches with missing Dean and their baby. Sam has no other choice but to wait and distract himself with work, and house chores.
Sam feels guilty because he might be cornering Dean to do something he’s not happy with. He also knows he can’t go back to how things were and be scared every day, never mind doing that to their kid. All he ever wanted growing up is to feel safe. Even when Dean did his best to keep things from him when he was little, he was always afraid his dad wasn’t coming back from his “trips”. Then he found out about monsters being real, and that fear grew way more. It didn’t matter that he had Dean to protect him, or that later he got trained on how to defend himself. The fear never left him. He knows what it’s like to get out of that life and then be thrown back into it, and he doesn’t want to do that again.
He also gets Dean’s side. All Dean has ever known is hunting. He didn’t get to be a kid like Sam, and he knows Dean doesn’t feel safe unless he’s getting rid of the monsters. He understands how hard it must be for Dean to leave it all behind as if never happened or stopped existing. But they have a kid to think about, and hunting will never be the safest bet in Sam’s book.
Sam doesn’t know where they will end up, and he’s scared that Dean will decide to stay hunting, while Sam decides to not go. Will the baby grow up without one of its parents? What will Sam say when their kid looks for him? I’m sorry I was too stubborn and wanted to keep you safe?
This is all a mess, and Sam wishes there was a compromise. But there isn’t. Either they hunt or not. That’s it.
Each at a different side of the choices they need to make.
~*~
Another week goes by when they don’t speak to each other, and Sam would lie if this doesn’t feel like the end of things. Sam goes to finish the mural of pictures he started in the baby’s room as a way to distract himself and finds Dean standing there. He almost yelps surprised, but the shock of seeing his brother there is greater than the scare.
“Dean,” it’s all Sam manages to say.
“You did this?” Dean asks, pointing at the wall behind him.
“Yeah,” Sam says, moving away from the door, as Dean turns around to stare at the wall again.
Sam stands next to him, taking into stock how Dean’s looking. Physically he seems fine, no new bruises or cuts are to be seen. If anything, it’s the stubble covering his jaw. It’s good to know Sam wasn’t the only one too distracted to care about shaving.
“It looks great,” Dean comments, his fingers tracing one of the pictures of them on a road trip they did before all of this started. When Dean found out about the baby. “Is this how you see us?”
Sam looks up from his assessment to Dean’s side profile. “Yes,” he says without missing a bit.
Dean nods, and nags at his lower lips for s second. “Sorry, I didn’t call.”
Sam shrugs. “I didn’t call you either. I wanted to give you time.”
“How many times are you going to do that?”
“As many as it’s needed.”
Dean looks at him now. “I really want to be what you expect me to be, but I don’t know if I can do it, Sam.”
“I’m not asking you to change.”
“But I have to if I’m going to live this life.”
“No, you don’t,” Sam says fiercely. “The only things changing here is that we are safe and we’re going to be parents. That’s it.”
“You’ve changed too.”
Sam blinks. “How?”
“Since we got the house and quit hunting, you’re happier. I don’t see the weight of the world on your shoulders anymore. You walk with ease and even a pep to your step. You’re free,” Dean explains. “But me? I don’t know how to let go so easily to our past and the things I know.”
“Why do you think you have to let go of a part of you, Dean?”
“You’re asking to quit hunting, and like it or not, it’s part of who I am.”
Sam's eyes soften. “I don’t see you that way. Yes, we grew up to be hunters because that was what was asked of us then. But Dean, we can be whatever we want to be now. We got a second chance, why don’t you want to take it?”
“I don’t know how to,” Dean confesses.
Sam nods, understanding where Dean is coming from. At first, he thought leaving hunting and their past behind was going to be hard on him too because he had come to terms that hunting was his life. But it was easy to leave it behind once they tried. He knew it was going to be hard for Dean, but he couldn’t imagine how much so. Now they are here, not knowing how to move forward in a way that makes them both happy.
Then an idea forms in Sam’s head.
“How about this?” Sam starts. “No hunting while you’re pregnant. I know you will not forgive yourself if something happens to our kid.”
“I’m listening,” Dean says turning his attention back to Sam.
“But when the baby arrives and you’re back to yourself, if you still want to hunt, I won’t stop you. I will stay with the baby while you’re away, and even help with research.”
Dean regards him silently.
“I promise I will be fine with it,” Sam assures.
“I don’t know if that’s even what I want, Sam.”
“It’s okay not to know yet, Dean.”
Dean sighs. “Okay.”
“Yeah?” Sam says trying to hold his happiness.
“No hunting until the baby arrives and I’m good to go,” Dean repeats to be sure.
Sam nods.
“I think it’s fair,” Dean agrees. “I gotta find something to do in the meantime or we will be back to zero though.”
“Hobbies. They’re wonderful and you can have them now,” Sam points out. “You just gotta promise me that you will be safe.”
Dean moves closer and kisses Sam on the lips. “I promise, and I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry for being who you are. I love you no matter what,” Sam reassures.
Dean nods and hugs him. Sam’s body melts into the hug, his arms automatically coming up to embrace Dean. He missed Dean so much, and he’s not willing to lose him. He’s not going to lie and say that he’s hoping once the baby is here Dean will want to stay. But even if he doesn’t, Sam will be okay with it because, at the end of the day, all he wants is for Dean to be happy. If hunting makes his brother happy, Sam won’t stop him and will help him as much as he can. This is the biggest compromise he could ever make.
Sam knows that in the end, they will be okay.
~^FIN^~