Chapter Text
At first the screen is black, then the sound of a film rolling plays. On the bottom the screen the words
Coming up...
Shows before disappearing and then the clip plays. Screaming can be heard, and then you see the culprit of the screams zooms past on the screen.
"SIT YOUR STHUID ATH DOWN DEKU" Katsuki yells
"KACCHAN I CANT I CANT" Izuku runs past again.
Katsuki ducks and Izuku volts over the couch he is sitting on.
"I FEEL LIKE I CAN FIGHT GOD" Izuku yells as he stands behind the couch yelling at the ceiling "FIGHT ME YOU ALL KNOWING BITCH"
"Holy fuck" Katsuki says as he looks into the camera "Send help. He is fucking cracked out"
The film rolling sounds play again and the screen is black once more.
-
-
The black couches are empty when the screen returns. No intro music, off camera someone is singing loudly.
By the sounds of it, it's Izuku.
"MY NAME IS WHAT? MY NAME IS WHO?" Izuku sings as he steps into the camera frame.
The greenette tilts his head back, chugging an energy drink and turning toward the camera, gripping it with one hand as if it were a face.
"HI!" He waves with a wide grin "My name is what? My name is who? my name is chika chika SLIM SHADY''
Chugging the rest of his energy drink and in very much college frat boy fashion, smashed the can against his head. Izuku grins wildly into the camera, sticking his tongue out and putting up a rock and roll sign.
Then the greenette hops- literally hops to his seat, never actually sitting down though.
Katsuki appears a few seconds after and adjusts the camera angle because Izuku messed up the angle. With an eye roll and thumbs up to their friends who were helping with production behind the scenes. Katsuki walks toward his seat, of course not before slapping Izuku behind the head, who is IN FACT cracking open another energy drink.
Katsuki slumps into his seat, bring his mic mouth level as he stares at his childhood friend and says "Don't you think you've had enough caffinated drinks?"
"Never" Izuku says, staring at him, then closes his eyes and sings "Never ever gonna get it. No, you're never gonna get it my love. Never ever gonna get it"
Katsuki pinches the bridge of his nose and the camera cuts. When it returns Izuku is / finally / in his seat, legs bouncing but he is seated. That totally didn't take up 30 minutes of filming, and hours of editing out.
You only get to see the good shit okay?
"WASSUP EVERYONE!" Izuku shouts into the mic "WELCOME BACK! I'M YOUR HOST IZUKU"
Katsuki winces at Izuku's volume and leans into the mic "I'm your host Katsuki"
Uncoordinated and loud Izuku says "AND THIS IS THE UNSCRIPTED PODCAST"
Katsuki echoes behind him. Izuku rubs the armrest of the couch looking around the studio as if it's the first time he is seeing it.
"Izuku has had two cups of espresso coffee and now energy drinks, its why he is like" Katsuki gestures to Izuku's everything. "That"
"I've had two cups of espresssssssooooooo so i dont be depressssooooooo" Izuku sings
"For fucks sake stop singing"
"S-s-sorry Kacchan"
Katsuki eyes widen because Izuku has never stuttered a day in his life "What the fuck"
"T-thats what happens when i drink coffee m-man" Izuku turns to the camera "T-ha-wha-wh-ho-"
Katsuki grips his mic "BREATH"
Izuku folds over laughing, he is doing his best to calm himself. But he feels like every cell and atom in his body is vibrating.
Izuku wipes the tears from his eyes "Sorry. That's why i don't drink coffee"
Katsuki shakes his head "You get zoomies drinking / just / water what the fuck is going to happen now?"
Off camera, a female voice that probably, most definitely belongs to Izuku's best friend Mina.
"Madness. Absolute MADNESS"
Izuku cackles like a witch.
Katsuki shakes his head as Izuku adjust his mic. When the hyperactive greenette finishes with his mic, he throws a bright smile toward Katsuki.
"Hi Kacchan" he says "How are you?"
Katsuki makes a face "Why are you talking as if we don't see eachother every day? We / live / together"
On screen the words "And they were roommates" appear
"I don't see you when you go to bed, i don't see you when you use the bathroom" Izuku states "AND you got here first. I didn't see you then"
"What is your point??"
"That anything can happen during the time frames i don't see you. So how are you?"
Katsuki scowls "Im fine"
"MEEEEE TOOOOO"
"Yeah 'cause you are fucking cracked out on caffeine"
Izuku laughs brightly and drinks more of the energy drink. Katsuki feels as though he is going to regret letting him drink this much caffeine.
But you know there always the one friend thats like "We should stop this' ' (Mina) and there is the friend that says "No, no, I wanna see what happens" friend (Katsuki).
Izuku burps into the mic and mutters "sorry"
Katsuki rolls his eyes and crosses his arms over his chest, rubbing his chin "I went home this past weekend. My ma is always complaining i never visit"
"AUNTIE AND UNCLE!" Izuku yells doing a big ol whoop motion with his arms.
Katsuki makes a face, like one of those faces that says 'Relax they aren't that cool'.
"Dont shit yourself, its just my ma and pa"
"But i LOVVVEEEE themmmm" and then Izuku starts singing his little caffinated heart out again "L is for the way you look at meeeee, O is for the only oneeeee i seeee, V is for very, very extraoridinary! E is even more than anyone that you adore can LOVE IS all that i can give to youuuuuuu"
Katsuki watches Izuku for moment before he chuckles and goes
"Hey who sings that?"
Izuku stops singing tilting his head in thought "The Hit Crew I think? Im not sure"
Katsuki smirks "Keep it that way, yeah?"
"RUDE! I SING JUST FINE"
Katsuki's eyebrows shoot up to his hairline "Dont quit your day job"
"THIS IS MY DAY JOB! I can't!"
Everyone in the studio is laughing. Izuku giggles as he cracks another can open as he has finished his other drink.
"Anyways. I went home this weekend. Not to just visit but 'cause my dad needed some help painting the garage. And so you remember how we talking about how you take pictures of / everything /?"
"I dont take pictures of / everything /" Izuku pouts
Off camera, there is a voice that the mic picks up.
"YES YOU DO!"
Izuku sucks his teeth, shoots a glare at Mina and pouts like a child "So you were saying?"
Katsuki nods taking a sip of his water and starts talking to their listeners, giving them background information so they arent confused for this part of the conversation "So Deku and I was talking about why he takes so many pictures and how he got that habit from his mom. And i realized we have a ton of pictures together as kids because Auntie Inko took them all"
"My moms does take a lot of pictures" Izuku says with a nod "Moments in time she likes freeze forever"
"That doesn't sound like a psychopath at all" Katsuki says "borderline a serial killer"
"HEY! My mom is not a serial killer!"
"No she is only half of one"
Izuku makes a face and opens his mouth to question it but Katsuki whips out two plastic bags that have smaller plastic bags in them.
"Because my mother is clearly the other half" Katsuki says into the mic
Izuku gasps as he stares at the contents "KACCHAN IS THAT YOUR / TEETH /???"
Katsuki nods "and my hair"
"What the hell auntie??" Izuku looks at the camera "What. The. Hell."
Katsuki snorts "I asked my Ma if she had any pictures of me as a kid right? And i was like 'Ones YOU and DAD took' She goes lookin comes back hours later 'i aint pictures but ive got these' and chucks this crazy sthit at me"
Izuku leans over "Please are these like your teeth? From like? Every age?"
"Dude i think sthit this is in chronological order"
Izuku bursts into laughter "PLEASE WHAT?"
Katsuki had already opened the tooth back and was going through them "Look this says from ages 4-5, this one says 6-7"
"And the hair?"
Katsuki open that bag "Katsuki's first hair cut" He holds a bag with a tiny little pony tail and another holds much longer one, not by much but there is a difference. "Katsuki's 3rd grade picture day"
Then Katsuki pulls put an impressively long braid "Katsuki's first day of High school"
Izuku stares in shock and awe "Your hair was super long back then"
"I might grow it out again" katsuki says staring at the braid with longing
Izuku scrunches his nose and says "Please dont"
"What? You dont think i look nice with long hair? Ill be sexy as fucking"
Izuku says nothing as drinks his energy drink. Katsuki scowls and crosses his arms
"Fuck you. Im sexy as hell, long hair short hair."
"S-sure K-k-kacchan" Izuku stutters out, he is starts feeling antsy again as he crushes the energy drink can and shoots into the garbage bin.
Izuku reaches for another can in the mini fridge that they placed in between the couches.
"Oh no you dont" Katsuki says slamming the mini fridge shut before Izuku could even grab another can. He thinks it's about time he starts cutting off the greenette before he gets way to amped up.
"OI! LET ME HAVE MY DRINK!" Izuku yells trying to pull Katsuki's hand off the door of the fridge
"No way! You are already too hyped you /need/ to chill"
Izuku leans further over the couch arm rest, using two hands to pry Katsuki's hand off the door.
"GIVE. ME. MY CAFFEINE" Izuku practically growls.
"NO!"
Then it happens.
The schedule physical fight the podcasters get into every episode. Katsuki moves his hand away from the mini fridge door, to block the incoming pillow from his face.
"Oi! I'll beat your ath"
"BEAT IT I DARE YOU"
Izuku throws himself at Katsuki with a battle cry and so hard the couch topples backward their legs fly up all cartoon style. There is a muffle yell, clearly someone shoved a pillow in someone's face and is holding it there. Then a hand reaches for the mini fridge door, grabs a can and slowly crawls over the end of the couch in the air.
Izuku fluffy mop of hair is in camera view
"No one can take my-AHHHH" He gets yanked back down and you can hear him scream bloodly murder "HE IS GONNA BITE ME! HE IS GONNA EAT ME! CALL ANIMAL CONTROL"
The camera cuts and then its blinks back in to Izuku's nails digging into the carpet clawing his way toward the unopened energy drink can. Katauki grins ferally as his pulls those stocky legs.
"Ive got you now bitch" Katsuki says
The camera cuts again and then blinks back. Izuku stands one sneaker on Katsuki's back and a socked foot pressing his head into the carpet. The greenette is chugging the energy drink and the his smashes the can against his head. Izuku lets out a victory yell and pink haired female appears in the camera frame.
"We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors" She says with a sweet smile.
The video cuts to the sponsor, camera zoomed in on Izuku. Who is sitting on the floor of the studio, shoe still missing but his face holds a wide chaotic grin with note cards in his hands.
"D-do you" Izuku pauses as he twitches "Love anime?"
"Holy fuck Izuku" Katsuki says off camera "That was your / last / energy drink."
Izuku glares at Katsuki but continues to read his note cards.
"I love anime! Which why i stream all my favorites from StarrrAnime! Its this ultra cool streaming service! You can stream from any device, your lap top! Tv! Phone!" Izuku is listing off all the amazing things about the streaming service and his a vibrating as he does so.
No one can tell if its from his excitement or the ungodly amounts of caffeine the male has consumed in such a short period of time.
"Dont have any idea what to watch? No problem! StarrrAnime creates a list of anime suggestions just for you! Even gives you suggestions based on what you watch!" Izuku smiles at the camera "The best part is if you use 'unscripted56' promo code you get 50% off your first year of using the service! So what are you waiting for? A private invitation? GOOOO MAKE AN ACCOUNT RIGHT NOW!"
Izuku heaves in a breath while he smiles.
"He was really hyped about this. Literally and figuratively" Katsuki says
Izuku flips him off and the camera cuts. When it returns Izuku still only has one shoe but he is seated. His left leg bounces and he rubs his hands along his jeans.
"You'll neverrrrrrr guess who adopted another pet this past weekend" Izuku says looking at Katsuki
"Is it that little hippie chick you hang out with? The one that feeds the sthray cats and now she has like an army?"
Izuku nods "Himiko yes"
"Oh gods what she did adopt this time?"
"A fucking registered sex offender"
Katsuki who had been drinking water chokes "A what now?"
"Listen. Himiko done adopted one of them dogs that look like it dont got a family tree okay?"
"If doesn't have a family tree what does it have?"
"A family circle"
Cackles from all around the room but Izuku is serious.
"Its mom is definitely its cousin, its got this bottom row of teeth that juts out and it barks like broken voice box toy" Izuku explains "Himiko got mad when i started calling him Marmadu when she told me his name was floofy and i was like 'Naw Himi that aint it' and then i said it looked lizard she kicked me out"
Katsuki is dying as is everyone else. "Serves you right. What did that poor bastard dog do to you?"
"He ain't do nothin but look like he is nocturnal. I told her to call me in case the shit stain starts cursing her latin"
Eijirou screeches in the back ground "NOT NOCTURNAL"
"Latin?? Latin??" Katsuku says in between laughter
"That / thing / is a hell spawn i know it. I will not allow my kind hearted friend be possessed by it" Izuku states firmly
"Cat lady is / anything / but kind" Katsuki replies with an eye roll
"Just because-" Suddenly Izuku stands up, feeling angsty again. Feeling like he is going to vibrate right out of his skin "Sorry I cant"
And before Katsuki can even ask what Izuku takes off and starts running laps around the studio.
"What the fuck is happening?" Katsuki questions looking into camera.
The camera blinks out and technical difficulties screen appears for a solid minute before the camera is back. The scene is Katsuki trying to wrestle Izuku back into his seat so they could at least end the episode properly.
"Sit the fuck down" Katsuki hisses
"Bitch! be humble sit down bitch be humble sit down" Izuku sings as he fights Katsuki.
Katsuki makes a sudden oof sound as Izuku managed to kick him in the stomach. Camera blinks out and then back in, and Izuku is standing on top of his couch screaming the lyrics to TLC's song 'No Scrubs'.
"So no, I don't want your number
No, I don't want to give you mine and
No, I don't want to meet you nowhere
No, I don't want none of your time and"
The camera zooms in on Katsuki's face, its full of so much regret. Then suddenly Izuku runs from one side of the room to the other screaming. Katsuki watches it happen for 10 minutes before he gets annoyed.
"SIT YOUR STHUID ATH DOWN DEKU" Katsuki yells
"KACCHAN I CANT I CANT" Izuku runs past again.
Katsuki ducks and Izuku volts over the couch he is sitting on.
"I FEEL LIKE I CAN FIGHT GOD" Izuku yells as he stands behind the couch yelling at the ceiling "FIGHT ME YOU ALL KNOWING BITCH"
"Holy fuck" Katsuki says as he looks into the camera "Send help. He is fucking cracked out"
The screen blacks out and when it comes back, Izuku is sprawled out on the floor, his left shoe still missing, his right missing a sock but he still has his shoe. The greenette is barely awake, Katsuki is staring at him with annoyance yet the look is still fond.
"Fucker is crashing" Katsuki says his voice is only being picked by his mic because its so close otherwise no one would be able to hear him. That's how low Katsuki is speaking to keep Izuku calm.
"That's it for today's episode" Katsuki says holding his mic "thanks for tuning in or whatever. Everything you might ever have questions on is in the description below"
Katsuki looks down at Izuku who looks as though his breathing has evened out. The greenette has fallen asleep.
"Until next time. Bye" Katsuki signs off with a salute.
Katsuki pushes the mic away and crouches down to stare at Izuku. Then he slowly scoops him up with a small huff because Izuku maybe short but the man is pure muscle.
"Dumb fucking nerd" He mutters "no more caffeine for you"
And that was a lie because Izuku can't be taken away from his energy drinks.