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when you're lost and tired (let my love take you higher)

Summary:

“Wanna tell me what’s wrong?” Arthur whispers after a few moments pass with nothing more than the sounds of Merlin’s soft sniffles.

Merlin shakes his head. “I’m an awful father.”

Arthur frowns, taken aback. “What the hell are you talking about? You’re the best father a child could ask for!”

For the square: C2 - Domesticity

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

Arthur grins as he closes off his email, saving the flight tickets onto his phone. The kids have all been off school for the last month and Merlin has been the one home with them all day. Arthur loves his children dearly and he can’t imagine a life without them, but he also knows that it’s exhausting having to parent four young children. 

 

He had gone ahead and booked a trip to Norway for him and Merlin to get away as a surprise. Not a long one, just a week inclusive of travel—so technically a five-day stay while Morgana and Gwaine have agreed to take the kids on a trip to Disney World. Arthur’s paying for everything and he trusts Morgana to spoil them so rotten that they won’t even have time to miss him and Merlin before they’re back. 

 

After that week, he’ll take them all to the coast for a few days before he has to return to work so they’ll still get to spend part of the summer on vacation as a family. 

 

Feeling smug, he walks into the house. As always, he’s instantly greeted by a flurry of hugs and excited chatter. He’s pretty sure he could live to a hundred and this would still be his favourite part of the day. 

 

Almost a full half hour passes by the time Arthur’s heard from each one of the kids and Merlin is yet to make an appearance. 

 

“Hey, where’s your Da?” 

 

“Dunno,” Sefa shrugs. “Probably the bedroom?”

 

Arthur nods and leaves them alone to go find his husband.

 

“Merlin?” He calls as he walks through the house. He hears Cinnamon barking and pivots, heading out to the pool instead of the bedroom. Sure enough, he finds Merlin sitting on the pool’s ledge beneath the shade of an umbrella. His feet are in the water even though he’s clothed in shorts and a long-sleeved jumper. 

 

Cinnamon is sitting on his lap and Merlin’s fingers are tangled in his fur, his back hunched. Even from here, Arthur can tell something’s wrong.

 

“Hi, love,” He whispers, toeing off his socks and shoes as he makes his way next to Merlin. He perches on the edge of the lounge chair behind Merlin since it isn’t safe for him to wet his feet yet and Merlin tips sideways so he can press his face to Arthur’s knees. 

 

Arthur wraps an arm around his shoulder and pulls him closer, leaning down to press a kiss to Merlin’s hair. 

 

Merlin sniffles and Arthur leans back, reaching down and pulling Merlin with him. Merlin goes easily, settling himself in Arthur’s lap and tucking his head beneath his chin, Cinnamon barking as he gets dislodged. 

 

“Sorry, Cin,” Arthur says, ruffling his fur a bit before he hugs Merlin tighter. Deciding that Merlin’s in safe hands, the dog runs off back into the house. 

 

“Wanna tell me what’s wrong?” Arthur whispers after a few moments pass with nothing more than the sounds of Merlin’s soft sniffles.

 

Merlin shakes his head. “I’m an awful father.”

 

Arthur frowns, taken aback. “What the hell are you talking about? You’re the best father a child could ask for!”

 

“No, I’m not, because if I was, I wouldn’t be feeling this way!” Merlin cries.

 

Arthur shifts so he can see Merlin’s tear-streaked face. He brings a hand up to brush away the salty liquid, pressing a kiss to Merlin’s temple. 

 

“Feeling what way?” 

 

Merlin bites down on his trembling lower lip, looking away from Arthur in shame.

 

“Hey, no,” Arthur turns his head back to him. “None of that. Come on, tell me what’s going on.”

 

“I don’t want you to look at me any differently,” Merlin chokes out and Arthur’s heart breaks.

 

“Never,” He promises. “I could never look at you differently, Merlin. I love you so fucking much and nothing will ever change that. I just want to know how to help you.”

 

“You’re already doing everything you can,” Merlin dismisses. 

 

“Please, Merlin, just talk to me. We promised to do this together, didn’t we?”

 

“You swear you won’t be disappointed in me?” Merlin ventures, chewing on his bottom lip so hard that Arthur can see spots of blood.

 

He reaches forward, pulling the appendage free and running his finger over it before he kisses Merlin gently. “You could never disappoint me.”

 

Merlin sighs heavily and Arthur can see it’s costing him to get the words out. He holds Merlin’s hands in his, squeezing as he waits patiently for Merlin to get his thoughts together.

 

“I love our kids, Arthur, you know I do but I’m so fucking tired. And I shouldn’t be! They spend so much time at school so I should be grateful that I have all this extra time to spend with them but it’s exhausting and overwhelming and I just need a break from them. I just keep counting down the days until I can get them out of the house so I can have some peace and quiet. It’s so difficult to get anything done when they’re always there and they’re fighting or they need something or—” Merlin takes a shuddering breath and some more tears leak over. “I shouldn’t be resenting my own children. I know that and I know that I’m an awful person for even thinking it but I just want some child-free time where I don’t have to mediate a fight or clean up messes or cook something that all of them want! I just—I’m so sorry.”

 

“No, absolutely no apologies. You haven’t done anything wrong, Merlin. Most parents get overwhelmed at some point and honestly I can’t blame you. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to deal with four young children all day! And usually, it’s fine when they can burn off most of their energy at school but there’s none of that and I know firsthand how annoying all the I’m bored comments can get. As a matter of fact, I’ve spent the last few weeks organizing a break for you. I literally finalized everything right before I walked through the door.”

 

“What?”

 

Arthur nods, smiling at Merlin as he dries his face. “Mhm. I figured you deserved a break so I booked us a nice stay in Norway—one of those cabins that are under the Northern Lights. Morgana and Gwaine are going to take the kids to Disney while we’re there and then we’ll get them and head down to a house on the coast. I figured you’d appreciate some quiet time where it’s just us.”

 

“Did you really?” Merlin asks, disbelief clear on his face.

 

“I did,” Arthur confirms. “Which means that your feelings are completely justified and you have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.”

 

Merlin wraps his arms around Arthur’s neck, squeezing him tightly. “I love you so much.”

 

“I love you, too,” Arthur hums. “How about you go soak in the hot tub for a bit and I’ll take the kids with me to pick up some takeout and head back here?”

 

Merlin shakes his head. “You don’t have to go back out there. We can just do delivery or I’m sure there’s stuff in the fridge to make dinner.”

 

“Merlin,” Arthur leans forward to peck his lips. “For the entire time I’ve been sitting here I’ve been hearing those heathens scream and yell. Go relax while the house is quiet and I’ll be back in around forty-five minutes with dinner.”

 

Merlin leans forward again, resting his head on Arthur’s shoulder. “Remind me to get Morgana a nice bottle of wine as a thank you.”

 

Arthur laughs. “For the record, I’d never treat anyone else like this. They can all burn for all I care.”

 

Merlin snorts. “Dick.”

 

Arthur opens his mouth to say something and Merlin pushes him before he can. “Don’t you dare!”

 

“I didn’t say anything!” Arthur protests.

 

“You were about to!” Merlin argues. 

 

Arthur grins and Merlin rolls his eyes in faux annoyance but he can’t stop himself from grinning. 

 

“Go get dinner,” Merlin demands, rising to his feet. Arthur follows him, wrapping his arms around Merlin from behind and peppering kisses against his neck until Merlin’s giggles drown out the screams of their noisy children. 

Notes:

me? ignoring every other fic i'm supposed to be writing to add onto a completed series? more likely than you think!

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