Chapter Text
Christmas 2010
This was Ava and Bea’s first Christmas with a kid. Their first Christmas as a family. Ava and Bea have talked endlessly about the traditions that they both had growing up and traditions that they would want to start for their own family.
Their living room is decorated to the nines with Christmas decor; the garlands, the lights, the stockings, the little trinkets lining up the mantle, and of course the tree. This was Bea’s family’s tradition, her parents were absent for most of her life, always attending to business. It was normal for Bea to be accompanied by a worker in their house to her activities. Like one time, she participated in a play and even made fake tickets for her parents but in the end it was her nanny that gave the flowers at the end of the show. Christmas though, this was their time together. It was the one holiday where they make it a point to be there, decorating their house themselves instead of the housemaids. It was one of the few good memories that Bea has with her parents.
Meanwhile, the tree was decorated with dried oranges and popcorn. Ava’s family was the complete opposite of Bea’s. Her mom was always present; at every game, play, graduation, and holiday. Her mom made sure that she was. As a single mom, Ava’s mom did not have a lot of money to spare. There would be times where Ava’s gift was something from her mom’s work, but one thing was for sure: there will always be a tree decorated with stringed dried oranges and popcorn that Ava later found out was because the store her mom worked part time at was about to throw them away so she took them home and dried the oranges with Ava and strung them with her. It was tradition. It was time they spent together. So, Ava and Bea had done the same.
They each have hang ups about their childhoods but they chose to honor their parents and childhood. Knowing that they did the best that they could. Doing things the way they thought it was supposed to be. And that’s what Christmas is all about, to pause and give thanks for the love, hope, and joy.
As for them, they have a new tradition that they would start with their first baby, Imara.
2010, 2 months before Christmas
“Hey Bea, now that Halloween is approaching and we already have a thanksgiving decoration done. Can we talk about if we’re changing anything to this year’s Christmas decoration. You know now that we have Imara.” Ava said while bouncing Imara in her arms.
“Hmm. I don’t see why we should change anything this year. Maybe just make sure that the ornaments are not too low that she can grab them. Do you have anything in mind, darling?”
“Not really in decoration or I guess it would be impacted by it, but I was thinking like we could start a tradition?” Bea nodded urging Ava to continue with her ideas.
“You know how we decorate like there’s no tomorrow because that is your family’s tradition and then we decorate the tree with oranges and popcorn because that’s my family’s tradition. What if we have something that we can pass on to Imara when she has her own family?”
“I like that idea, Ava. You clearly have thought about this, any thoughts on what our tradition should be?” Bea asked Ava as she kissed her cheek and asked her to come sit with her on the couch.
“No can do on the sitting, babe. Imara gets fussy if I stay still for too long.” Ava was bouncing and pacing a little to keep the baby stimulated. “Anyway, yes, I have thought about this and I was thinking what if from now on our gift labels are pictures of us so when Imara and our future kids are a little older they can still help give out gifts because they won’t have to read. Instead, they can use the picture to see who it is for. Second, I was thinking we could give our kids an ornament every year and it could be of things that they enjoyed the most that year. So, like this year, Imara enjoyed your boobs the most so maybe we can have a boobs ornament.” Ava clearly said that last one as joke but Bea, maybe from her exhaustion did not get it and gave her wife a puzzled look.
“First, yes, I like that idea of using pictures instead so everyone can feel the joy of gift giving. Second, I also love the idea of giving our kids ornaments every year. I think it’s a good snapshot for us and I hope for them as well as they grow up. But darling, I don’t think boobs is a good first one?” Bea trying to say in a gentle voice like not wanting to let her wife down.
“Oh my god, babe. I was joking on the boob ornament. We will definitely have a different ornament for Imara’s first Christmas, please.” Ava laughed while trying to explain the joke to her wife.
“Thank god. I was ready to do it because I love you but oh my god what an awful first ornament. Maybe we can have those ornaments that say ‘baby’s first Christmas’ and one that has a space for a picture.”
“I think that sounds good! You know what else sounds good for you?” Bea shook her head. “A nap.A nap would be good for you, babe. Go on, go upstairs, Imara and I will be fine.”
“Are you sure, darling?”
“Babe, please, you didn’t get my joke. You need it. Go nap. I surprisingly am not tired, take advantage.”
Christmas 2013
“Ava and Imara, are you guys ready to go out? You know it takes a while for all 3 kids to be put on their car seats”
“Yeah, I know, give us a minute!”
Ava and Imara walked down the stairs as Imara yelled, “Mum, look! Surpwise!” Imara said while twirling her sparkly Christmasy dress.
“Oh my love, you look delightful. Twirl for me one more time?” Bea took her oldest kids hand and twirled her. Imara giggled and twirled for her mum and hugged her.
“Come on, let’s go to the store to get the kids their ornaments.” Ava said while pushing the twins’ stroller. “Imara, you remember our talk?”
“Yes, mama!”
“What talk, Ava?” Bea asked, puzzled, not worried, just puzzled.
“Imara and I will get you and the twins’ ornaments, while you and the twins get me and Imara’s!”
“Ahh that talk!” Bea winked at Ava. They have already talked about what ornament they will get their first kid, extensively. As apparently Bea has been keeping track of what Imara has liked throughout the year but they landed on one thing.
“Okay, Imara, when you see an ornament that you think the twins will like, let me know, okay?”
“Okay, mama!”
Ava strolled through the ornament aisle first while Bea went to grab some tea and sat down first, giving Ava and Imara some time.
“Mama, that!!!”
“Which one, baby? The elephant one?”
“YUP!” Ava laughed before responding to her kid, “Yes, this is nice, but remember it’s for Finn and Ziva. I think you like elephants more than them.”
“Okay, I find more.”
“MAMA! THIS!”
“Oooooh, a star ornament, Ziva does like stars, huh, Imara?”
“YES! She touch that always.”
“Okay, good job, Imara! We’ll get this for Ziva. One more to go for Finn and Mama will choose Mum’s but you can help too.”
Imara pointed to another ornament and it was an ornament of Bluey, the show that Imara likes. So, Ava had to remind her daughter that Mum is buying one for her while she is buying Finn his so she can give it to him during Christmas. Imara was a little bit disappointed she couldn’t have the ornament and was about to have a meltdown when she saw the ornament next to it and yelled “FINN!”
The ornament was still a dog but this time it was a generic felted wool ornament, and to Imara’s credit, Finn is enamored by dogs at the moment and will make noises whenever he sees a figure that is vaguely the same as a dog.
“Nice job, Imara! Finn will definitely like this one! We’ll put it in the cart, can you help me?”
Imara nodded and took the ornament from Ava and placed it on the cart, right next to her, with the ornament for Ziva.
“Okay, now it’s time for mama to pick one for mum. But you can still help me, okay?”
…
“Okay Imara, before you go to bed, you get to open and hang the ornament that mum and mama bought for you for Christmas!”
“YAAAAAAAAAAAY!” Imara went and ran to the basket where all the ornaments were placed. As was their tradition, Imara only had to find her picture to know that it was her picture. It was a picture that Bea took while she was on a swing one summer night. She had a big smile just like her mama does, it went up to her eyes. You can always tell what Imara was thinking with her eyes. Another thing she got from Ava.
Imara saw her’s instantly and started ripping into the wrapper immediately. When Imara finally saw what her ornament was, her eyes widened and a shriek was heard throughout the house. A happy shriek but nonetheless it was still loud. It was a Bluey ornament, similar to what she was eyeing at the store. Ava and Bea have already searched for one before they even set foot at the store. Actually, they’ve had it before they even shopped as they bought the particular one online as it was not available near them.
Imara as soon as she was done admiring it, asked Bea to carry her so she could hang it up on the tree.
“Mum, up?” Rubbing her open palm on her chest to sign please.
WIth the fire burning in the fireplace, the soft Christmas music, Imara’s giggles, Imara and Ava playing with the twins, Bea thought this was it. This is what the books were saying when they said you’ll know when you’re truly happy. That warmth that can be felt inside and out. This is it. She can’t think of anything else she would want. She has everything she needs right here in front of her.
Christmas 2015
Ava and Bea just lost Imara a couple of months ago. Two months after she turned five. She was so little, she barely just started school. And now, it’s Christmas and they’re supposed to just go through this holiday without her. Without her enthusiastic ripping of her presents, but also the way she was so happy to give her siblings gifts. There was no more nagging if they could open the gifts at night instead of Christmas morning, how she roped her siblings into it too. There wasn’t anyone anymore who insisted on having the fireplace open. It was cold and dreary. But they were supposed to continue living. They have to because they still have Finn and Ziva who deserves the absolute best, but how does one do that?
Bea was at the grocery store to grab a few things they needed while Ava was at home with the twins. Their homes were still decorated but she was actively avoiding the Christmas aisle section as they already have everything they needed. They bought the twins’ ornaments online. They figured it would be less painful than going in-person. But something was pulling Bea to go to the Christmas section, specifically the ornament aisle. Lo and behold, the first thing Bea saw was a unicorn, she grabbed it from the shelf and the next thing she knew she was on the floor of the store, sobbing quietly. Even though her head was down, she can feel the stares she was getting but no one was brave enough to talk to her. That was until a kind lady gently tapped her on her shoulder.
“Hi, I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened but are you okay? I mean I know you’re not okay, but are you okay?”
Beatrice couldn’t say anything because every time she started to talk she would just start to sob, so she simply shook her head.
“Oh okay. Is it okay if I just sit here with you, then? Not to be creepy or anything, I just know the feeling of being so sad that you break down in the middle of the storm and in those times I wished I had someone next to me. Sorry I rambled but is it okay? We can just sit in silence.”
Bea nodded and the kind stranger just sat next to her, not before moving both of their carts off to one side to lessen the space they were blocking. The stranger just sat there next to her, not super close, but enough that you can feel that they are there still. After a while, Bea stopped crying and turned to the stranger.
“Thank you. I don’t usually do this but it’s just been a hard time for my family.”
“No worries. I get it. I mean I don’t but I get it, sometimes the smallest of things get to us. I won’t bother you anymore but buy the unicorn, it clearly meant a lot to you or someone you love.”
When the kind stranger was about to stand up, Bea said “Wait, what’s your name?”
“Eleanor, well, Ellie for short. How about you?”
Bea took a while before she answered that Ellie almost walked away, thinking Bea was not interested in telling her her name.
“Beatrice. Thank you, Ellie.”
“You’re welcome. Not to be nosy but can I ask why you paused before answering me? Obviously, you don’t need to answer if you don’t want to.”
“Eleanor is my kid’s middle name.” Bea looked at the unicorn ornament and realized she said “is” so she quietly said “was my kid’s middle name. Eleanor was. Her name was Imara Eleanor.”
…
“Hey Ziva and Finn, it’s time for you to open your ornaments!” Ava called the twins.
“YAAAAAAAAY!” The twins ran, or tried to run to the basket, which Bea did not notice has 5 gifts.
Ziva got hers because she saw her picture and Finn, before getting his, exclaimed and pointed at one of the ornaments, “RARA!”
“Rara? What do you mean, Finn?” Bea asked but also turned to Ava to see if she knew what Finn was talking about.
Finn brought the present to Bea and there it was, Imara’s face on the present. Since Finn and Ziva are literal toddlers, they couldn’t have done this. So she turned to Ava.
“It didn’t feel right to not give her one, Bea. It didn’t.” Ava said with tears in her eyes.
“Oh no. Darling, I’m not. Wait a second here.”
Bea stood up and went to their bedroom where she kept the unicorn ornament in her bedside table. She took it and got back down to where her family was.
“Ava, darling. As I was saying, you’re not the only one. I did it too.” Bea said with a tremble to her voice.
Knowing that the twins were still in the room with them, Ava and Bea kept hold of their emotions and tried to be happy for the twins first. Helping them put up their new ornament, a firetruck for Ziva and a penguin for Finn. Ava and Bea put Imara’s as well, placing the two ornaments right by each other.
After they put the twins in bed, Ava and Bea both sat back down in the living room, staring at the Christmas tree. Noting how there’s significantly less gifts this time around. Which means that Imara’s face was not anywhere in the Christmas tree except for her first ornament which had a baby picture of her. But there, almost in the middle of the tree were the ornaments that Ava and Bea both for Imara. Bright ornaments lighting up the Christmas tree, just like Imara light up their life. Lit up their life.
“Ava, what made you buy Imara an ornament?”
“Truthfully, I was online shopping for some of the presents we talked about for our family and I just saw a cute squishmallow ornament and thought ‘Oh, Imara will like it.’ and put it in the cart. Didn’t really think twice about it until we got the package.” Ava paused and Bea took that as an opportunity to ask a question.
“... is there a reason why you didn’t tell me about it?” Bea cautiously asked her wife.
“I… I just didn’t want to bother you because I know that we’re both just trying to cope and live day by day and you were so preoccupied with the twins. And we need to keep living. We need to keep living if not for ourselves, then for the twins because they’re so young. They didn’t know what it meant. We have to still be a good parent to them. So, I just didn’t tell you. I really wasn’t going to put it out but it felt wrong not to.” Ava said all of this without looking at Bea, she just was staring at the picture of Imara on the mantle.
“Darling, I know that we’re going through a lot. Please look at me.” Bea held Ava’s hands to encourage her to look at her. “ And I know that we want to be there for the twins, but please tell me when you’re having days like that. I miss our daughter too. I still sometimes expect that she’ll be in her room when I open the door. It’s hard, Ava. But we don’t need to go through it alone. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.”
“Rationally, I know that Bea. I really do. I wanted to tell you but I can see how much you were hurting too and I didn’t want to add to that.”
“We promised that we’ll be there for each other through for better and for worse. Now’s for worse, let me be there for you, Ava. And I promise, I’ll open up more for you as well. We’ll get through this together.”
“Okay.”
“Kind of a hypocrite though since I also didn’t tell you about when I got mine.”
“No. That’s okay. Don’t feel bad. When did you get your ornament?”
“Two days ago. Remember when I went to the store to grab a few things?” Ava nodded and encouraged Bea to talk more.
“I really was only grabbing a few things and I was almost done when something compelled me to go to the ornament aisle. I don’t know what it is but there was just a pull to go there. So, I did. And Ava, the first ornament I saw was that.” Bea pointed at where it was hanging on the tree.
“And I couldn’t take it anymore. I broke down in the middle of the store, holding tightly to this delicate ornament. People were staring as they passed by but it didn’t matter because at that moment the dam bursted. Every emotion that I had pushed down and placed in tiny little boxes came undone. She was just there, you know. She was just with us, playing with her toys. Playing with her siblings. Playing with her unicorn toys. I think she sent me there.”
“I know. It’s so unfair. Sometimes I think I still hear her giggles. Babe, was that the reason you were at the store for a few hours?”
“You noticed?”
“Of course I did.” Ava said.
“Why didn’t you say something?”
“Because if roaming around the store gave you peace from the reality that our daughter is gone, I wanted you to have that. We all grieve differently, babe. The twins and I were safe and besides, we can track each other through our phones, I knew you were safe.” Ava kissed Bea’s forehead.
“Thank you. Thank you for giving me that. I love you, Ava.”
“I love you too, Bea.”
Bea opened her mouth as if she was going to say something but then stopped herself and cleared her throat instead. She paused for a while and Ava understood, she just held Bea’s hands.
“The crazy thing was that a few people walked past me sobbing in the middle of the store, until one kind person stopped and sat with me. And darling, you wouldn’t believe what her name was.”
“What was it, Bea?”
“Eleanor. Her name was Eleanor.”
“Like Imara’s middle name.” Ava looked at her wife who was trying not to cry more, “Oh, babe, come here.” Ava opened her arms and encouraged Bea to hug her.
“She sent you there. She wanted you to be there. I think in some ways, she wanted to let us know that she’s okay.”
Christmas 2018
Ever since that incident where Ava and Bea each bought an ornament for Imara, they both decided to include Imara every single year. They agreed that they would buy ornaments that reminded them of her. One thing that they also started doing is that they would always make sure that the twins understood that they had an older sister. They have met her but might not remember her as they were still very young when she died. But Ava and Bea don’t miss any opportunity to tell the twins about their sister, especially during Christmas. When the twins point to pictures of their older sister, Ava and Bea always tell them their name. When it was time to open their ornaments, the first thing that Ziva said was Imara’s name.
“Yes, Ziva, that’s right! That’s Imara, your older sister! Can you and Finn open that together?
“Sure, mama!” Ziva answered,
“Then after, you two can place Imara’s ornament on the tree, too!” Bea told them.
Though Imara was no longer with them, they didn’t want her memory to be lost as well. So, all pictures of her are still up. Some of her most cherished items are still somewhere in their house. But most importantly, they wanted the twins to still know their sister. So, Imara will never be lost, she will always be in Ava and Bea’s memories and now the twins as well.
Christmas 2029
The twins are now in high school and just started driving. For now, they are sharing cars and taking turns in driving. Ziva really likes to drive though and Finn is happy being the passenger most of the time. It was a few weeks before winter break and the twins were working part time so that they have money for gas and for Christmas presents.
“Hey Ziva, I know mum and mama usually buys the ornaments for us but I was thinking…”
“Wait, let’s see if we still have twin telepathy. On three.”
“1, 2, 3…” Finn and Ziva both counted and on three exclaimed their answers. “GET IMARA’S ORNAMENT!”
“OH HECK YES WE STILL GOT IT!” Ziva said as she fistbumped Finn. “And obviously, I agree.”
“Cool. We should tell the parentals so they don’t get her one too.”
During dinner, Finn and Ziva are looking at each other as if to urge one or the other to speak up. Of course both their moms noticed this but Ava just smiled to herself. Bea on the other hand was itching to say something. When it continued for a few more minutes, Bea finally spoke up.
“Are you two just going to keep making faces and kicking each other’s shin?”
“Finn! I told you they’d notice.”
“Fine fine. Okay I will speak my truth.” This earned a chuckle from Ava. “Ziva and I talked this afternoon and we would like to be the one to buy Imara’s ornament this year.”
“Yes, what Finn said.” Ziva helpfully added.
“Oh. Of course you guys can!” Bea said while Ava responded with “We love that idea! Thank you, guys.”
“Oh yeah, of course. We just thought that it was a good time for us to get Imara her ornament this year, especially because we started our first job this year.” Finn said.
“We wanted to do something special for her, for our sister. To celebrate her.” Ziva added.
Ava and Bea were getting teary eyed because even though Imara has been gone 14 years now, she is still very much a part of this family. Her memory lives on. In Ava and Beatrice. In this house that she lived in. In the small memorial that was built not in the place where she took her last breath, but in the neighborhood playground she loved to go to, and most importantly, in her siblings; Finn and Ziva. When they see her picture, they tell everyone her name: Imara Eleanor, their older sister.