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“can you just stop?”
bakugou pulls away, his hand on shouto’s shoulder retreating tentatively. his face looks pale, it’s the first time shouto has ever snapped at him.
“just stop, bakugou. i’m being serious. i’m done.”
shouto stares head-on, glare positively strengthening while he moves away from where he was on the bed. he’s too close to bakugou for comfort right now. if he stays here, he’ll cave in easily, and that’s not what he wants.
no. he wants out.
out of this dumb— charade— they have going on. acting like boyfriends and lovers and sweethearts when they weren’t ever even close to the word itself. shouto can’t continue like this. he can’t live with bakugou and sleep in his arms and greet him with love and warmth just to—
to see him walk out the door and go meet other people and maybe even kiss them or fuck them or—
that’s enough.
he can’t stay in this cycle anymore. as much as his stomach is turning itself inside out right now, he has to find at least some shred of dignity to say something.
“shouto, i…” the words end up going nowhere, and shouto sees katsuki’s adam’s apple bob in his peripheral vision.
okay. it looks like bakugou has nothing to say about that. about any of this.
“can you leave then?”
somehow, bakugou jerks like he’s been slapped. shouto’s never asked him to leave before.
“you—” katsuki flounders for words. “you want me to—“
“yes. just leave me alone.”
katsuki opens his mouth and before he can say anything, shouto beats him to it.
“please.”
katsuki head drops, and it looks like he’s staring at shouto’s hands fisting the blanket. his fingers twitch as if wanting to reach out and grab them. to hold them and loosen them up, like he would any other day.
shouto can’t stand this anymore.
“didn't you hear me? can you please go away now?”
katsuki stands up in an instant, as if the sentence is a command from god himself. he gets to the door quicker than shouto thought possible and the last thing he sees is katsuki’s broad back and shaking hands before the door slams behind him.
it takes one, two, three breaths before shouto starts shuddering with sobs and he slowly curls up on the bed again.
he faces the wall and presses his palm against it, wishing that instead of this stupid cement, he’d be touching katsuki’s warm body instead. all those nights of sleeping together, taken for granted.
it’s over. now it’s time to grieve.
it’s been hours. maybe ten or eleven he doesn’t know.
he’s been laying in bed, barely moving. he feels stiff, unable to stretch and unwind his limbs. maybe he’ll stay like this forever. he’s fine with that.
he can spend a lifetime just drifting in and out of sleep, thinking of katsuki. he’d live and eat on the memories of their interactions if he could. god knows how much it sustains him.
he can’t imagine going anywhere feeling like this. is this how a breakup feels? not that they were ever together anyway. bakugou always said— he said they weren’t even friends. so why would they be more? why would katsuki want to date someone if he can’t even regard them as a friend? is shouto just— undateable?
shouto’s not stupid. he knows they weren’t dating. he always desperately wished and wanted to, but every time katsuki would grab his jacket from the genkan and head to the front door and shouto would ask—
“going on a date?”
katsuki would scoff, smirk, and say “yeah, dumbass.”
and he’d leave. for hours. while shouto just sat and waited for him. then he’d come back smelling like beer and an amalgamation of different scents. shouto doesn’t bother trying to decipher what, or who.
katsuki never hid it from him. so, shouto maybe is stupid. katsuki never deceived him, and yet shouto still threw himself wholeheartedly into something one-sided.
he can’t have expected anything back, he knew what he was getting into and he should have seen this ending from miles away. as much as he dreaded it.
somewhere in the distorted world around him, something vibrates. it does so for minutes on end, endless and annoying but not enough for shouto to look for it.
it stops.
then the front door starts banging. it’s like someone wants to tear the house down. shouto doesn’t even twitch.
it stops as quickly as it started, and soon he hears heavy footsteps and a murmur of voices disagreeing with increasing volume.
“—going in and you two will talk like proper adults—“
“wait— fuck. just check if he’s like, breathing. don’t— don’t fuckin’ scare him… and make him take this.”
“kaachan—“
“izuku. just— don’t.”
there’s a second of silence and then his room door opens with a loud creak.
shouto squeezes his eyes shut. he doesn’t want this. not right now. maybe in the stage when he needs like, support and a moving-on strategy. izuku is not someone for a moment like this. he needs someone like— like shinsou or tokoyami, who will play depressing music and let him cry as much as he wants.
“shouto.”
his heart picks up in speed.
“shouto, are you—“ there’s a deep sigh. “nevermind. can you just eat this?”
that’s not— that’s not what he was expecting.
“you haven’t eaten in almost 24 hours. we’re— i’m worried. i won’t even ask you to tell me what’s wrong. can you just eat this? please?”
the problem is, shouto can’t move. he feels stuck in place. has he really been laying here for that long?
before he starts panicking, he feels something touch his shoulder gently.
it’s like his body needed permission to move. to feel the warmth of someone else since nothing else existed. slowly, he turns and his eyes meet bright green ones, wide and searching.
izuku’s holding a plate in his hands. it’s not even a full meal. it’s just a muffin. one from his favorite bakery. he knows. katsuki’s bought him enough to know it by sight alone.
“here. you can eat this, right?” izuku carefully pushes the plate close to him, as if trying to lure a stray cat.
shouto stares.
they stay in stagnant silence and shouto can practically hear izuku straining himself to not say something. anything.
it’s just that, shouto can’t imagine eating right now. especially that. why would izuku think that’s a good idea? doesn’t he know?
“okay. i tried,” izuku stands up, leaves the plate and muffin on the bed and heads for the door.
shouto watches it swing open and katsuki tumbles into the room as if he was sitting with his ear pressed against it.
what a mess.
there’s a blanket on the floor outside the door, and an entire tray of food placed on the floor beside it. it looks several hours old. katsuki, on the other hand, looks even worse.
his normally puffy hair is flat on one side, as if leaning against something for hours on end. his face is— it’s pale and his eyes red-rimmed.
all shouto can do is stare.
they look at each other for a few seconds and then izuku is hauling katsuki up by the arm and dragging him into the room.
“i can’t fix this. you can. do something,” he says as gently as a frustrated person can, and walks out the room and closes the door behind him.
they stare at each other for a pause and then shouto turns his back and faces the wall again. it seems he’ll stay in that position for a while longer.
he’s half surprised katsuki isn’t saying anything. not a curse or a threat or at least a plea. it makes him taste something bitter in his mouth.
maybe five minutes pass, before shouto starts hearing it.
it’s quiet at first. indistinguishable. then it becomes more pronounced, and shouto feels his body startle at the revelation.
katsuki is— he’s crying.
it’s the only time he ever sounds quiet and subdued. when all other emotions burst forward like a dam, this one always makes him silent.
what does katsuki have to be sad about? that he can no longer string shouto along? have his favorite plaything at his beck and call?
bitterly, shouto hopes he’s the favorite. but now he has more pressing issues. first of all— what should he do?
he’s never heard katsuki cry like that before. not that— sad. angry tears yeah. believe it or not, katsuki cries a lot. when he’s frustrated, exhausted, disappointed or even happy. it’s just who he is.
he hears a hiccup and a catch for breath, and he whirls around before deciding what he should do. what he can.
katsuki looks pitiful.
he’s sitting in a corner of the room, arms wrapped around his knees as he sniffles and presses his forehead into the crook of his arm.
shouto’s heart breaks clean in two. he doesn’t even have to think about what to do next, he just does it. he springs forward and crashes to his knees beside katsuki, reaching forward with trembling hands.
“katsuki— katsuki why are you crying? what happened? i’m— i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to make you cry. i’m really sorry, please stop,” he pleads.
so much for having dignity and wanting out. it’s futile when it comes to katsuki.
his words somehow make katsuki shudder harder, and his breath becomes sharper and all shouto can do is fumble with his heart in his throat.
he wraps his arms around katsuki’s shaking frame and brings him into his lap, murmuring anything and everything.
“i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to hurt you. i’ll do anything, just please stop crying, katsuki.”
the blonde hiccups once more and pushes away from shouto’s embrace.
“you— you didn’t mean to hurt me? don’t fuckin’— don’t lie to me now. you did. you did mean it. why else would you say it? like that?”
“like what?”
“like— like you hate me,” the words cause katsuki to choke on a sob again and he closes his eyes tightly and moves away from shouto.
this is all so wrong.
“katsuki. katsuki, i don’t hate you. i don’t. you know i’d never—”
“you do. i saw it in your fuckin’ face. you looked at me like— like i was something you never wanted to see again. you told me to go away.”
when did this get so fucked up? somehow shouto never thought this had a chance of happening. he never expected katsuki to be so— affected. by him at least.
“i don’t know what i can say for you to believe me. i thought— i thought you out of everyone would know. how i feel about you,” shouto murmurs, staring at his hands now. “it’s why we need to stop.”
“what do you even fucking mean by that?” katsuki’s eyebrows are furrowed and he stares in confusion. “shouto just tell me. instead of pushing me away when i don’t even know what i did wrong. don’t just say things that you don’t even mean!”
“what you did wrong? katsuki, you didn’t do anything wrong. i’m the one… who can’t continue in this weird situation we have.”
“what the fuck are you talking about?”
now he’s just feeling angry all over again.
“i’m talking about you acting like we’re together ninety percent of the time but then other times you fuck off and go meet other people and expect me to be okay with that!”
katsuki stares at him, dumbfounded. he shakes his head and stares at shouto like he’s grown a second head. he hates feeling this way. like he’s weird or lost about a certain topic.
the words come bursting out before he can think of stowing them away.
“i’m tired, katsuki. i’m tired of getting to hold you and kiss you and be with you when i’m not even sure i’m with you at all. i want— i want something that i know i can have. i’m exhausted reaching for something dangling in my face just to know i won’t ever be able to get it. can’t you see how tiring that is?”
he swallows and clenches his fists before he continues. go big or go home right? that was always katsuki’s quote anyway.
“and i’m sorry. i’m sorry that i’m in love with you, and that i can’t be happy with what we have. i’m not doing this out of spite. it’s just— seeing you leave yesterday and not knowing what you’re doing and whether i even matter at all in grand scheme of things, i can’t do that anymore. you can’t expect me to follow after you forever. not when you’re treating me like that.”
his lip trembles and shouto has to force himself to not meet the other’s eyes.
“why can’t you have me?” the sentence comes out in a hoarse whisper.
“what?”
“why can’t you have me? who said you couldn’t?” katsuki’s tone sounds equally incredulous and perplexed.
what’s going on here?
“you… you’re always going out. and meeting people. and i ask you if they’re dates and you say yes. when you come back and i ask you how it went you say “they’re all idiots” but you look happy and you can’t stop smiling for the rest of the evening. i don’t… i don’t want to share something like that.”
there’s a pause, and then katsuki opens his mouth. “shouto, do you think i go out and fuck other people? even though we live together, and i cook for you and i sleep with you? is that what you think i do?”
shouto stays silent. what else was he supposed to think? katsuki never said otherwise.
“fuck!” shouto glances up and sees katsuki tugging at his hair, eyes glistening again. “is that what you’ve been thinking this entire time? do you think— you think i’m that much of an asshole? you think i go out and get laid and come back and cuddle you just to— to fucking torment you?”
he never said that. katsuki’s not an asshole, even if he ever did do those things. shouto’s the stupid one. but he doesn’t know what to say right now. not when katsuki’s about to start crying again. this time, it’s out of frustration.
“i don’t fuck other people shouto. hell, i don’t even look at anyone who’s not half-red and half-white. i don’t— when you asked if they were dates i thought you were joking. i thought you knew i was going to meet those idiots. my friends.”
oh. now shouto feels stupider. he feels bile rise in his throat. he suddenly feels five years old again and unable to tell when someone wants to be his friend or not.
“you said we weren’t friends,” he whispers. “i thought if we were to be something else, you’d at least tell me. you know— you know i don’t know these things and i—” his words start stumbling into one another and he has a hard time catching his breath all of a sudden.
his vision starts getting blurry and he’s about to start hyperventilating until he feels katsuki’s soft hands cup his face.
“hey. hey. it’s okay. it’s okay, shouto. just stay here, with me. we’ll figure it out. it’s my fault. don’t go… don’t go back there. stay with me.”
he’s trying. he’s really trying not to think about it. about all the other times he’s missed social cues and almost fucked up friendships. this time he almost lost katsuki. he can’t— he can’t forgive himself.
he doesn’t even know he’s crying until katsuki’s thumbs start wiping them away. he looks— he looks so devastated. as if watching shouto cry is making his world crumble right in front of him. it makes shouto feel even worse.
“i’m sorry,” shouto rasps. “i really— i hurt you.”
“shh. it’s okay. i hurt you, too. probably a lot more. this isn’t even anything. i deserve it. i made you feel like i didn’t care about you. like you’re nothing to me. i’m sorry, shouto,” clear tears fall from crimson eyes.
“don’t say that. you don’t deserve it. it was my fault too, i should’ve said something before. i shouldn’t have told you go away, i’m sorry. i know that hurt you.”
“it did,” katsuki nods, “but it’s okay now. we know now, right? don’t worry sweetheart. let’s just— let’s promise to each other to say something next time okay? i’ll be more clear. i’ll stop being a mean asshole who doesn’t say what he feels and you’ll tell me when you need me to say something okay?”
shouto looks at him and nods before saying, “does this mean we’re together now?”
“yeah, idiot. we’re together now. and i’ll spend the rest of my days making it up to you so you never doubt that again okay? i don’t want anyone else. i’m sorry i made you think i could never want you. i love you.”
shouto’s breath catches. even if he imagined katsuki saying that to him a million times now, he didn’t expect the feeling of goosebumps traveling over his skin when hearing the phrase.
“i love you,” he breathes in response. he closes the gap between them and gently presses his lips to katsuki’s.
they’ll be okay.