Chapter Text
Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals
Chapter 13: Concussion
Beginning AN:
Finally. The ending of HUC, which will also make this the first fan fic I complete.
Disclaimer: The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert vampires and one badass church militant leader. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!
CHAPTER XIII
It had ben THIRTEY YEARS since the events of chapters 1-12 tooks place. Carl, Seras was in bed naked again and relaxing, this time at the TV.
Rip ran into bed, naked like the others. "Turn the television to channel 16! The show I'm on is about to start!" She said exsidedly.
They then turned it to the show: Kids Award Best Show Ever awerd.
(On TV)
In show, Rip had had on a foncy black dress that was kinda see-through and showed her underthings undreneeth which was actualy more skimpyer then her usuel outfit. (Just thin tape strips.) She hosts:
"The viewers have decided. Our three nominies are:
"John, Jade, Jean, and Jude: The Mis-Edventures Episode Thirty, 'Tower of Jade,' by John and Jean Egbert, and Jade and Jude Harley."
Clip showed this:
John and Jade from chpater 9 only 43 (but they don't look old like Mr Burns they stil look like adults) insted of 13 was acting and doing adventures. There was also clones a female John and a male Jade, because IT IS A LONG STORY. (Not part of acting but in reel life.) The 4 of them was on a montain and there was a long plank of wood over the zephier air which also bridged to the other montain. Unfortunatly this montain was where they needed to go for part of the adventure.
"FUCK JADE HOW WE GET ACROS THIS PLANK OF WOOD. WE CANT ALL GO AT ONCE."
Jade reposes, "YA WE CAN WE CAN WALK IN STRATE LINE."
"OR WE CAN FORM TOWER!" Jean sugest.
"THAT'S RETARDED." Jude complanes.
They try to form a tower anyway cuz the badguys were came, but John snek a peek up Jade's skirt!
"hahaha I can see up your skirt."
Then a laugh track plays.
END CLIP.
Rip continues, "Total Zeksmit Plains Episode Seven, 'Aftermath: The Final Five Countdown,' by Great Pikmin Fan."
Ther was no clip this time it was just black screen with "Clip Not Reddy Yet" written on it.
Rip continues, "And Ren and Stimpy Episode Sixhundred Sixteen, 'Black Hole 2: White Hole,' by Matt Greoning."
It shows R&S in space, like in Baclk Hople 1: Black Hole. It starts captain Hook (Ren) and Cadit Stimpy in spase. But Ren was getng crazy and ANGER again!
"STIMPY FETCH ME SOME WATER. NOW!"
Then Stimpy turns back with a semicreppy face. "OK!" He said, then walking up stars and geting a glass.
He got th water, which is odd cuz he's supposed to be the stupid one. Bit then he fell down stairs!
"FUCK I'M FALLING DOWN ALL THESE STARS!"
And then Ren got luk of crazy, and ANGEr, (but not that same as before in chapter 2, cuz Matt G is a dick about not using the same pose or amination twise!) and said, "YOU IDIOT! i TOLD you about stares!"
He reached ground and cryid disturbed. "sorry. IT KEEPS HAPENING!"
END CLIP
"Well..." Rip said, "That was truly disturbing. But in a good way! So, contestants, you get to vote. Which one do you find the best?"
(Off TV)
"To spare the wait, Ren and Stimpy won. I was disappointed with that outcome; while I was not a fan of any of those shows, R&S was the least intelligent of the three, followed by Pikmin Fan's 'work' and Egbert and Harley's show."
Carl got on face of intelect "It goes to show how bad this generashin is nowadays. Before we had people like INTELIGENT STUFF. Like Famliy Guy."
"IT SUCKS THAT THEAT GOT CANSELED YET THE SIMPSONS IS STIL ON AIR." Seras raged and foamed at the mouth.
But then Carl's laptop (it small and cool and digitel cuz of new tecnology in the year 2041) ringing! It was Quimby trying to make a video massage!
Carl answrered it, and trhe laptop was covering his pingas to us the viewers, LIKE IN THE AUSTIN POWERS MOVYS!
"Hello president?" Carl asked.
"er a um, O SWEET JESUS I THINK I PESTERED AT THE WONG TIME." Quimby said on the other line.
"Oh." Then Carl moved his small computer to his face. "Hi now you see face not penis. Wassup Quimby?"
"er a um, THERS BADGUYS IN LONDON! er a um, AND WE NEED YOUR HELP!"
Carl got on serious fase. "ok. TEAM, LETS GO!"
(Brief Intermission to Show Where Everyone is Right Now)
The Hecksings have also started a band but it stil kicking badguy ass.
Homer Simpson was reancarnated into Hank Hill. And thats how KotH started and that show became fucking awesome cuz King of the Hill is thats what it is: FUCKAWESOME!
Naruto was still doing stuff I guess. And he was also finaly the president of the Fire Villige.
Monkey and Bleech was pirates and fitan ghosts but I dunno since I don't watch the show.
Ed, Eddy and also Edd startup a cool bisniess.
Megaman was still fighting and killing the robots and also he got to appier in SSB4 as a god fiter. BUT FANS STIL PISSED CUZ HE'S NO GENO. (AN this was before the actual for Wii U came out (Real AN: Yes, this is the truth. I wrote this before the fourth game was properly announced.))
Sonic died.
Cartman had joined a Hitler Revive Grroop but got kiled by the Hecksings.
John and JAde made a sucessful TV series based on ther pasrt intrests Nick Cage Squidels and Ed Edd and Eddy the Mis-Edcventures. Also the 2 got maried and have kids, but they also have genderbend clones/counterparts after a secret superhero invasion went wrong. John's clone is Jean and Jade's is Jude.
David Haselhoff was stil a movie star. He didn't die because I don't want a celebrity to die in this fa fic in case they die in real life (Hitler being an exception because fuck him) and HUC will become really fucking awwerd.
The dead characters were stil dead. Except one...
(END INTERMISSION. Now in London Chitty)
"IT SURE IAS FUN TO BE KILING THINGS!" Yelled Erico Maxell (about time we seen him! Also hes same age as canon cuz they were younger then back in the 30 years ago other two were young as well) as he, Yumie, Heckel, and the KKK soldiers was walking down streets like a parade and killing stuff. SO IT WAS LIKE A PARADE OF BLOOD! DUN DUN DUN!
But then we heard Carl, and it sounded like Carl's voice! "HAY! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!"
And then the camra zoomed up like it does in Teen titans, and shows the shadows of the last 3 Hecksings! (Quimby isn't a official members he's two bisy ruinning the United Kingdoms of London) And they was shadows as... YOU'LL WILL SEE LATER.
Maxwel looked up. "HAY! THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS! WERE SECTION DCLXVI, WHICH IN CASE YOU DONT KNOW IS SUPOSED TO MEAN 666! WE ARE A HITLER RIVIVAL GROUP EXCEPT AFTER HIS DEATH IT'S NOT TO START WWIII WITH HITLER BUT INSTED TO KILL FOR HITLER AS SORTOF A REVENGE I GUESS BUT NOT REELY SINCE WE ARE ACTUALLY ONLY KILLIN CUZ WE LIKE WAR!"
"dont underestimate us." Carl tisked. "We are the Hecksings, and we came to KICK YOUR BUTTS."
"O shit."
And then they jumped down, and the KKK looked surprized at them for some reason. But we did not see why, cuz they were behind the bodies of the KKK.
Outta the bodies, Rip and Seras shot a several bullets, with Rups multiplying and Serases exploding everywhere! The KKK was being takked out!
But 1 of the KKK had a idea. "WE NEED TO BIBEL BOMB THEM!"
And then he poured lots of salt on a bible (salt increeses holyness meters, right?) and has about to pore nitro on it to make it a bomb, when the Pikmin soldiers came and started hitting on him!
"OW! FUCKING PIKMIN EVERYWHERE!" He said as there was other Pikmin attacking the other KKKs.
The bullets, Pikmin, and Carls sonic waves (BTW carl's secondary ability AND primary abilty are both that his Sonic Waves get a littel bigger. Zorin's, by the way, where that heat vision and flight, respectively, but she never got to use them :() was wipe out most of the KKKs! Maxwel Heckel and Yumie saw this and got a littel scared and ran.
First we saw Yumie get killed since shes the least important I think. Yellow Seras bullets was exploding around her and create smoke, and Sears vampire-shadowed jumped into the smoke and called from it to scare Yumies. Her eyes was red and flashing throughu the smoke and was the only think visibel because WE'LL FIND OUT WHY IM HIDING THE HECKSINGS LATER.
But Yumie was not sacred! She said, "HA HA HA! I HAVE A KATANA OF AWSOMENESS AND I WIL: USE IT TO KILL OFF ALL YOUR VAMPERER IDIOTS BY THE CUTTINGS OF THE HEAD AND-" But, in a fit of irony, Seras took off her head with a VAMPIRE SWIPE and asorb drink her blood like Alucard does.
Then Heckel. The blue bulets was also picking up dust and smok and it was kinda shitty to see. Rip jumped in and her glasses shined and this time insted of seeing red through the smoke this person of the Section DCLXVI saw blue.
"YOU DON'T SCARE ME! I EXPERT IN VAMPIRE KILL LIKME ANDERSON! AND IT TOOK ALUCARD FUCKING BADGUY TO TAKEOUT HIM! BUT AL'S DEAD NOW SO THAT MEENS THERES NOONE TO STOPME!"
Rip laughed eroticly. "I was the one who made Alucard into a vampire!"
Heckel was not scared even throw she should be. She took out pisstols and fired, but Rip used chakra to move bullets so that it goes up Henkil's ass insted. Then Rip implaled her with all her guns and like Seras she drank her blood.
But then a KKK garbed her with a bayonet! And held her aganst him, but he blushed when he felt this AND WELL SEE WHY. "HAHAHA I GOT YOU!"
But then the Captain came from behind and cut off KKK's head by jumpin to himand slise of his doggy claws!
"Good dog. Best friend." Rip said.
"THANKS FOR COMING BACK THO THE GC TO ABSORB MY BLOOD AND FOR MAKING ME A FAMILAR TO HAVE OUT ALL THE TIME. AFTER HITLER DIED. 2 BAD THE MILENIUMS THRU OUT ZORINS BODY JUST BEFORE USING THE TITAN MECH OR ELSE YOU CULD HAVE GOTEN HER TO. (:" Captain said, now a goodguy. "O AND RIP?"
"What?" The smoke was starting to cleer!
But the more started with Carl sonic waving the background bildings, causing more smoke!
"FUCK I CANT ALL THIS SMOKE!" Maxwell swore. But then he got Sonic Waved and Carl drank his blood. The Vaticin Section was no more!
Quimby came out! "er a um, thonk you for saving us. ER A UM, BUT YOU FORGOT TO PUT CLOS ON FIRST!"
He was right! The reason why I hid ther bodies in smoke and shadow and stupid shit like that was the spoil the fact that they was naked! Rip, Seras, and Carl but not the Captain. Everyone laughed! Not eroticly like Rip earlier because there were kids there and that would be disturbng.
"COVER UP THE CHILDREN!" Shouted a annoying moral gard.
"THER R NO CHILDRIN!" Said Morbo (Ha! Futrerama refferinse! That makes this fan fic ten times more awsome now!)
The Hecksigns was not pleased at this plot twist.
"ARGH! THIS IS THE FITH TIME THIS HAPENS!" Seras yelled.
"HOLY SHIT!" Rip shouted in all caps (finaly)
"DON'T WORY RIPO I DON'T CARE IF YOU NAKED." Cpatain said.
"Well, we did get naked countless times whenever we smoked pot." Rip again.
"ARGH!" Said Carl Said. "MY REPUTATION HAS LOST A FEWW POINTS!"
Tjen everybody laughed! The guys like Quimby and the town. Captain did not as he is too respectfull. And while ther boobs and croaches was covered in cansor bars, we saw the Hecksings butts uncensored and they had NICE ASSES (um I was talking about Seras and Rip not Carl cuz I'm not gay but Carl has a nice ass to for those that like men).
Even the guys ion the afterlife who was waching laughed! The goodguys in Heven, like Pip Alucard Zorin Integra and Kamina. Also the badguys in Hell, like Jan and Schrodinger. Also but Noah did not, because, once again, he is from a difrent anime.
BONUS! Deleted scenes
(These aren't so much "deleted" as they are little extra clips I have considered. I have, in fact, only actually written them down here. They were not really removed from the fan fic.)
(New note in light of the Great Typo Cleanup: Since these aren't in the story proper, I decided not to touch them up a little bit like the fan fic as a while. I only changed the notes. So that is why the spelling might be worse than the original fic. Speaking of the GTC, I also chose not to add any of these "back" in, since I still feel that they don't really fit.)
Chapter 1:
Seris was on roof.
"Do you se the targit?" Alcrd askd.
"I DUNNO SHE'S LIKE 5 NO 6 THOSAND KILOMETERS AWAY!"
Then Al floatd up to her on the roof, and salped her fase!
"KILOMETERS? WHATR YOU, FRENCH! THIS IS HE UNITED KINGDOMS OF LONDIN, AND IN THE UKOL, WE DO THINGS THE ARMERICAN WAY!"
Due to sorta-rushing the first chapter and with the whole "Go to Heavensing right away," I couldn't really place this into the chapter. That, and because even now I'm not so sure how to parody the entire mission.
Chapter 8:
"GET OUT!" Integra yelled. And then Rip and Zorin garbbed the covers of ther (Integras) bed and ran out.
Later, in chapter 12...
In city, ripand Zorin was at the plase stil naked and looking for close. Zorin got them from suits hanging out, but Rip no found the suits that nise!
She then saw Quagmire.
"Gittigy doo! A naked!" He said happily.
But then Rip kicked his ass and stole his shirt and pants. She then she saw his underwere but insted of putting it on herself or keeping it on him she burned it.
Another plan with Rip and Zorin other than hiring then to Hecksing was to have them run out early in chapter 8 and return much later. But, sometime around the planning, I decided to have them stay a little longer. (Much longer, in Rip's case.) Also, it would put the joke of chapter 12 being ridiculously short into jeopardy.
Chapter 13. Yes, this very chapter:
But then sudenly Maxwel and the Section DCLXVI was wining!
"HAHA! I MAKE COMEBACK!" Maxwel shouted.
Buyt then it was just a inception? Zorin cut him in haff and finished off the Secxtion DCLXVIs!
I had originally decided to spare Zorin. This even went as far as when I was writing season 2, although by then I was starting to go against the idea. I then thought of having her get her blood drank by someone from Hecksing (Seras, I guess) and then being used as a familiar so that I could recreate the moment. But this wouldn't make sense; not only was her death in the deepest of Millennium territory, but Rip had a better friendship with the Captain which I sadly never really got to elaborate on in this fan fic. (Something for Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals 2? Edit wait nevermind that idea's on a pretty big hold, but this is planned to have a number of spinoffs.) And I only wanted one of them to reappear for the finale.
Chapter 13 again:
In the mist of all this laffing, ther was someon coming out from the background. It was Pip!
"Hello, Carl. Or should I say, one of my many Gary Stu victims!" He shoted.
"Wat." Carl asked.
"I am a part of an organization dedicated to eliminating Gary Stus and Mary Sues. And you are one of the top subjects."
"WAIT A MINIT. I KILLED YOU. I DORPED A FIVE FUCKING TON SPASESHIP ON YOU. HOW THE HEL DID YOI SURVIVE?"
"'CUZ I'M PIP, DAMMIT!"
Carl morphs into Charlie Sheen, it turns out Pip's eyepatch is actually covering a Sharingan, and the two have a showdown which ends in Carl getting killed by a train. After Carl's death, the fan fic would be written in normal prose, and Rip and the Captain would attempt to rebuild the Millennium from the ground up, starting with trying to kill Seras. I decided against this ending because it was stupid even by HUC standards, and I liked ending it on a gag that hasn't been seen for ten chapters. ("Noah's from a different anime.") But I still do kinda like this.
I also think not going with this was a good call. It would have killed off any chance of the spinoffs being taken in an "un-meta?" way.
Closing AN:
This chapter was very fun to write, at least the first half. I just really like the world building and it was nice to elaborate on the side, crossover characters.
Final Thoughts:
Welp, HUC is finally finished. I probably wouldn't make that big of a deal about it if this wasn't the first fan fic (not counting short stories) I have concluded. And no, Eds' EDventure isn't over with yet. In fact, I still have a second chapter in progress.
I personally thought I rushed this a little. Especially since I only wrote certain parts during the deadline date. Chapters ten and eleven in particular... yeah. There were still a lot of things I wanted to elaborate on, but the semi-linear "Hecksing vs. Millennium" plotline I gave myself for every chapter except 1, 9, and 13 kind of prevented it. Speaking of which, I also never really got to establish Carl as that much of a jerk outside of his introduction. If anything, I made Seras the untollerable one. I made some changes to the story, especially early on, to try to make Carl less likable and Seras more sympathetic. But I think I lazed off near the end.
Outdated Section that I'm still keeping for history purposes: With this out of the way, you can now expect a little more from me in the future. I'll finally resume production on Total Fan Service Plains (which, as the first three chapters stand, is a total mess that I want to clean up ASAP) and Movie Day's expected publish date gets bumped closer. Those will be my top priorities, aside from real life school work of course. As for any new ideas, it's kinda random. I don't tend to think up fan fic ideas that often at all, and most of the ones I do I reject and decide not to write about a month later.
Long overdue disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing, and you should be glad about that. Trust me. Or, for that matter, I do not own any of the other works who's characters have appeared here.
Also, happy birthday, John Egbert. (If you don't get that reference you probably won't get some of the jokes in this fan fic.)
THE END.
The girl made several adjustments to the device with several tools, wiping the sweat off from her forehead where green hair lay not too far above. Indeed, this lime tone was the only big visual difference between her and a dead girl known as Nazz. Finally sensing herself done with her project, she stepped back to take a look.
"Eddy's going to love this. He will be so happy to find out that I have built a device that can bring Ed and Edd back to life! Man, it may have been only four weeks, but to me it felt like these guys have been dead for five years. Maybe more!"