Chapter Text
His mom let him know the following day they were still fine and boarding the shuttle for Shili. He didn’t have any more weird feelings about it but that only bothered him more. The immediate threat or whatever he thought he’d felt the night before had passed, but he still felt unease. Like something was off or something was still lurking. He finally got so frustrated trying to figure it out that he went looking for Yadigan.
He found her near the river with several buckets of colorful water and some large pieces of cloth appearing to get ready to dye them. “Hey son,” she greeted him happily. “Something troubling you?” She nodded to a rock opposite the one she was perched on.
“Did you hear about what happened last night at the other tribe?” he asked finally.
“I did. Saron said they were lucky you were there.” She brought her arm up to wipe her brow since her hands were colored from the dye and looked up at him. “But I take it there’s something else?”
“Well, maybe. I’m not sure,” he whispered, playing with his hands. “Shortly before the tree was struck by lightning, I started sensing something. Given what happened not long after, I’d normally just write it off as that being the danger I sensed. But when I wandered outside just before it happened, I could’ve sworn whatever I felt had something to do with my mom. I’ve talked to her twice now and they’re all fine, but I still can’t shake the nagging feeling. I no longer feel like they’re in immediate danger, I’m not even sure if they were. But if I was just sensing what was about to happen with the tree, why did it feel connected to her? There aren’t any trees on Tatooine.”
Yadigan looked thoughtful for a few moments. “Well, it could be they narrowly missed some kind of danger. It’s not out of the realm of possibility two things could be happening at the same time. Given your deep connection to your mother, the thunderstorm could have easily heightened your senses enough to pick up on something like that since they naturally create a lot of excess energy in the air. But you don’t feel it anymore?”
He shook his head. “No, whatever it was must have already happened, but I still feel uneasy. Like something’s off. Given how dangerous Tatooine is, it’s a wonder I don’t feel these things all the time.”
Yadigan sat back to be more comfortable. He really appreciated the way she seemed to give her full attention to anything they were discussing, he wasn’t used to that with most people. “I admit I don’t know much about Tatooine having never been there myself. I remember learning about it at the temple and the few things you and Ahsoka have told me. But based on what you’re describing, it sounds like whatever you felt isn’t a regular danger there. Can you think of any reason your mom, or your family would be targeted for anything?”
“Not really. My mom is the nicest person you’ll ever meet, I don’t think she could make any enemies if she tried. Cliegg can be a bit gruff sometimes but he’s a good man. I’ve never seen him argue with anyone, even Owen. He’s not a gambler either, so there’s no reason there should be run-ins with bounty hunters or debt collectors. Same for Owen and Beru. The biggest enemy they’d have is the sand people, but they hate everyone not just them.” He sighed. “Unless…” He looked back up at her. “Unless they’re being targeted because of me. Of all of them, I’ve probably made the most enemies. I’ve left the order twice, I gave Jabba and the other hutts hell when I was growing up, the separatists all knew my name and were always trying to stop me and…” He furrowed his brow. “But the only person that would’ve known about my mom and possibly where to find her, besides Obi wan or the council, is the Chancellor.”
Suddenly everything Ahsoka kept saying about him flooded back in his brain. How scared she was of him, how completely convinced she was that he was a very evil man. Maybe he’d looked at that only from the perspective of her already fear of men and their sexual appetites. But… her senses seemed far stronger than anyone really considered. What if she’d been able to sense something about him none of the rest of them could because she hadn’t been blinded by the war or the day-to-day interactions? And to sense someone that strongly… could only mean they had a very powerful force presence. Which meant they could use it…
“Ahsoka!” He stood up, forgetting Yadigan for a moment to go track her down. When he finally found her, he led her back to her mom. “Can you describe in as much detail as you can what you felt from the chancellor before the panic set in?” he asked. She looked concerned and confused and then glanced at her mom before sitting down on his lap.
“Um… it was like I was staring at this- this- gaping maw of darkness,” she whispered. “At first, I thought it was just my fear of men in general, so I grabbed for your hand trying to convince myself I was safe as long as you were there. But… then it felt like the room just kept getting more and more suffocating. That-” She glanced away for a moment looking nervous. “It felt like you were trapped in it, in a way. Like, any second, he was going to make you crumble and that even hiding behind you, I wasn’t safe.” She swallowed hard, shivering. “It was cold too, like the temperature dropped below freezing.”
He looked past her at Yadigan. “The dark side of the force,” they said at the same time.
“The chancellor is the Sith Lord. But… how could he hide it? The council has been around him plenty of times, why would none of them feel it? Why couldn’t I feel it?” He felt his own spike of fear.
“My master often said that life is a delicate balance. When everything is ordinary, subtle shifts are more obvious. When it’s extraordinary, sudden shifts are invisible,” Yadigan whispered. “The Jedi were tasked with leading the war effort, weren’t they?”
“Yes.”
“I can’t imagine those missions go without some measure of death?”
“They don’t,” he croaked. “A lot of soldiers die around you daily.”
“It sounds like to me, that in the overwhelming experience of constant death, and the constant influx of life as more troopers are created each day, the force has become extraordinary. Meaning that it’s blinded your general senses as you are forced to face so much tragedy each day,” she said thoughtfully. “So, someone with great power could hide in plain sight as the council runs around putting out all the millions of little fires that only serve to blind them more.” Ahsoka’s mom glanced at her daughter. “But you, de’he’ren, you’ve not been blinded by the war even if this effect on the force could disturb all of us. And your senses appear to have been heightened rather than blinded, perhaps from your bond with him. So, it’s possible you’re sensing what he can’t because you’re connecting to it through him. Given that you described it as though feeling like he would crumble not yourself, I think you’ve somehow tapped into his senses that he’s struggling to use, but since you’re unblinded, perhaps you’re feeling it for what it is and for him it’s being filtered out with the rest of the chaos.”
“Does that mean I can’t use the force myself? I can only use it through him?” Ahsoka asked sadly.
“No, not at all,” her mother said. “You are using the force yourself to do this. I only meant because of the bond you have with him; you seem to also be able to sense through him as well. Truthfully, given the Jedi’s aversion to attachments, force bonds were never well understood. At least not very strong ones. Or more accurately, not well understood by the traditional sect of the order. Master Altis believes that when connected to someone, especially another force user, you essentially double your awareness of the universe. Each person experiences their own senses, but also each other’s. It does make sense but would also require special training to be sure no one gets overwhelmed by the additional information. Since you son, seem to form really strong bonds with people already, and Ahsoka seems to be very bonded with you, you both, I think, need to practice opening up to each other and getting a good feel for those boundaries between your own awareness and each other’s. I really wish I had a way to contact my master. He would love meeting the two of you, and I have no doubt he’d be able to help you organize that.”
She sighed softly, looking almost wistful for a moment. He could feel this ache in her, like she missed her master even after all this time. He wished he felt the same about his.
“I’m afraid Master Altis left the order not long before I did. But since I thought Shili would be my final destination, I was stupid and didn’t leave a way to keep in touch with him.” She seemed to shake herself after awhile. “But back to the topic at hand, based on the way Ahsoka described her feelings about the chancellor, it does seem likely he could be a Sith hiding in plain sight. And if he is, I’d wager gaining the trust of the chosen one would be a rather big prize. Given that she felt like he was trying to make you crumble, it sounds like he has need of your power for some grander plan. And if that ambition would require him to destabilize you and your connections to others, and you’re currently out of reach of his influence at the moment, it’s definitely plausible he’d target who he could to accomplish that. If you’re here, that leaves your family vulnerable. If you’re there, likely we’d be vulnerable.”
“Great,” he muttered, dropping his head. He felt Ahsoka’s fingers in his hair as she tried to rub him softly. “So, no matter where I go or what I do, the people I love are going to be in danger. So now all the things the chancellor asked about Ahsoka means that he sees her as a threat to his plans. Especially if she could sense his true nature when no one else could.” He let out an aggravated growl. “If you want to change your mind about getting married Snips, I won’t blame you. Being with me is going to put you in constant danger.”
“Hey, son,” Yadigan said softly. “Do not allow that fear to twist the love that you feel. To live is to be in danger. You cannot take that weight on your shoulders. And distancing yourself from people you love because you’re afraid they’ll get hurt? That’s exactly what they want you to do. If you want to protect your family, keep them close, teach them what you can. Let them stand with you. I admit, I don’t like knowing my daughter might have a target on her back now just by association, but I don’t blame you for it, son. She’s strong too, she will rise with you. As will the others.”
He blinked up at her, fighting the tears that always seemed to want to fall now. “I’m not going anywhere without you,” Ahsoka said. “If I’m in danger because you love me, then I will fight back. Don’t just protect me, Anakin. Teach me!”
“Look, son.” Yadigan leaned forward. “The fear of loss is a normal emotion. The Jedi didn’t allow attachments because they were trying to prevent that fear from being a problem. But the thing is, no matter what we tell ourselves or how disciplined we are, we all get attached to people. Obviously, some bonds that form are stronger than others, but part of living is to make connections, it’s the very experience of being alive. The trouble stems not from having them, but how to handle it when they change or disappear. Master Altis, he always said that love is an uncontrollable emotion. You can’t experience it without being moved by it. But because of how much it affects you, it can be easy to become possessive of it and afraid of watching it go. But love can’t be contained like that, it exists forever even if the subject of it does not. If you can train yourself to love people wherever they are or however they are, you’ll discover it’s always there. It’s not something that can be taken from you. Given how incredibly sensitive you are to people in all walks of life, how compassionate you are when dealing with their traumas or difficult situations, you already know how to do this.
“Truthfully, I’ve only ever heard about Sith from old stories or historical accounts, I’ve never met them in battle or been near one,” she continued. “But it seems like to me, if you’re trying to control someone, cutting them off from others, or taking others away from them would be a promising strategy because it creates fear, lots and lots of fear. And fear causes people to do a lot of stupid stuff. I think the only way you can counteract fear is with love. It won’t make the fear go away, but if you know you’re loving them as much as you can all the time, it won’t create the same devastating hole when they disappear. Sometimes we have to just accept that some things are out of our control, but that doesn’t make them less important.”
“I will always love you,” Ahsoka whispered, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him into her. “Even if I can’t be there in person, it will go with you, so you always have a pool of it to draw on.”
The tears did slip down his cheeks this time as he absorbed the depth of her words. It was his turn to bury his face in her and hold on tight.
“My daughter is very wise,” Yadigan murmured after awhile. “You’re not alone in this, son. Whatever the truth is of what’s going on, you won’t face it alone. Let us stand with you, let us share our strength with you. And let our love keep you afloat above that fear.”
“Thank you,” he croaked finally, still unable to pull himself together. So instead, he squeezed his eyes shut, opening himself up. And he felt it. He felt all of it.
—-
By the end of the week, he was so happy to see his family that he gave all of them a hug, not just his mom. He still felt that trickle of unease, but after the talk with Yadigan, he was certain he knew what had caused that feeling. Well, not the exact thing they somehow dodged, but who or what was actually behind it. After Ahsoka had asked him a million questions about what had even started that conversation earlier this week, the three of them had sat there helping Yadigan dye the cloths while talking about all sorts of things.
She’d talked a lot about her master and told them stories about their adventures. Ahsoka had hung on every word. Occasionally he’d interrupt with a question about how her master viewed things or how they differed from the main order. Truthfully, the more he heard about this Altis, the more he wanted to meet him.
When they’d finished dyeing everything, Yadigan showed them where to collect strange critters from the river that apparently ate all the chemicals from the dyes. They made the buckets of water clean enough to pour back into the river. He found Shili endlessly fascinating and how they used or recycled everything they had. He still hadn’t figured out the sewer and water system they had so when Yadigan heard his curiosity about it, she sent him to Saron who then proceeded to walk through the entire system, all the filtration and the way it recycled all of it. It was probably more information than he’d needed but he thanked him, nonetheless.
Despite his family already being here, they had another whole week before the actual ritual would start. So, him and Ahsoka spent a lot of it trying what Yadigan had suggested by practicing opening up to each other so they could learn the boundaries of their own senses and what came from each other. Every day, usually in the morning, him and his mom would go for a walk, talking about marriage and relationships. During those times, he thought a lot about what Yadigan had said about love and to give as much as you can whenever you can.
He still felt the fear always hanging over him, but the constant outpouring of love made it definitely easier to focus on that than the fear. He didn’t tell his mom about what they’d figured out about the chancellor. He wanted to, but as it got closer to the wedding, he just wanted to appreciate everything.
Cliegg had become fast friends with Saron and could often be found talking with him for hours about plants and farming and whatever else. Owen and Beru asked them if they could get married too at the end of the week and neither he nor Ahsoka minded sharing their day with them. Sometimes his mom disappeared for awhile with Yadigan and he just kept thinking to himself that he really wanted them to stay here on Shili so they could all be together. Maybe he’d push it more after the wedding to convince them to stay even though he already knew the answer. But he also realized at one point that had him and Ahsoka not decided to get married yet, it was possible that his mom and them wouldn’t have missed whatever it was that happened. Which meant that was the second or third time, he’d lost count already, that Ahsoka had somehow saved them. Which then had him hugging her a bit tighter each time after that.
Saron had gathered people to construct several new huts during the week to accommodate the guests and to prepare if Khotah or any others of her family decided to come. He felt guilty about that so had insisted on helping them build them, so it at least didn’t feel like they were doing everything for them. He found he kind of liked manual labor and they weren’t hard to build. He’d also had Ahsoka help him get Threepio up to date with as much of togruti as they could with the hope of being able to understand her family when they arrived.
The day before the ritual started, his mom asked him to accompany her back to the capital. Since he liked walking with her, he of course went and was shocked to find Kitster stepping off a shuttle there. His old friend hugged him and talked excitedly about everything he saw all the way back. He was so happy to see him, he wished it had been his idea to invite him and was mad at himself for not thinking of it.
He had to admit while he’d had a few doubts about the wedding before, as it got closer to the event, he was getting more excited every day. Not just the excitement from all the preparations, but also, he’d noticed a massive shift in his relationship with Ahsoka. The more they practiced in the force, the more he felt her start blossoming with it. She seemed overall less anxious, less jumpy, happier and to his surprise, she even hugged Kitster too without hesitation.
The only people he wished could be there too were his clones and maybe… maybe even Obi wan. Not that the Jedi would approve of him getting married. But it was the happiest he’d felt in awhile, maybe even ever, and he wanted to share it with everyone he cared about.
That night, after the festivities had died down and people had headed to bed, he’d taken Ahsoka’s hand and walked down the river with her. They talked for a long time about everything, and he just breathed in the sheer amount of joy and contentment he felt in that moment. The biggest difference he’d noticed in the past week was he no longer saw leaving the order as throwing away his future. If anything, he was gaining it. Despite everything…