Work Text:
I was left to my own devices
Many days fell away with nothing to show
And the walls kept tumbling down in the city that we love
Grey clouds roll over the hills, bringing darkness from above
Philza wasn’t sure how he ended up here on this train, sitting across from his son he once killed, laughing the time away with him like nothing happened while the carriage took them someplace unknown.
Wilbur’s chocolate hair spilled down his tall forehead in tight curls, stuffed beneath his signature red beanie. His guitar case covered with a thousand stickers sat beside him, trench-coat covered arm wrapped protectively around it. Golden circle glasses perched on his tall nose to match the emerald earring he wore, sunrays highlighting his cheekbones and sharp jawline from his mother.
A single snow-white ringlet lay in the middle of his tresses, nestled among the rest, marking his flesh as being the same from the previous realm only Phil seemed to remember.
The Angel of Death was questioning a lot at this exact moment, the last thing he remembered was jumping into the forbidden portal to escape the disaster that ended their last world.
A place with far too much blood spilled in the short time it was active, the worst being the younger generation who wore far too many emotional and physical scars. Most becoming puppets to further selfish agendas with shadowed dead eyes, or toyed with by more powerful personalities and the wrong conditions.
Lands that exploded apart into vicious caverns acting as graves for ideals, ideals his own son Wilbur sowed and curated. The same boy who sat across from him laughing with Charlie Slimecicle and Quackity, all from far different sides before.
None of them had any sort of resentment for the other, Quackity and Wilbur were back to their affectionate barbs while Charlie utilised his quick wit in between banter which left them all chuckling. All shone with new friendships formed, no recognition for one another.
Philza wondered just what the fuck he was supposed to do next, the sharp agony of being forgotten piercing his heart everytime they traded looks. Wilbur’s sonorous voice warmed his heart once more, no regrets hanging from his far too thin shoulders for the burden he used to bear.
One he added onto after his descent into madness left a physical scar through the earth and souls on that previous server. Philza only lived Wilbur’s tales through the word of others, often a bitterness attached to speaking about his boy.
The same child who once ran across the green hills in his hardcore world, a boy with a golden heart and a million questions. He had to know everything, learn it all, figure out how the world around him functioned. Philza loved and encouraged his son’s curiosity, often giving into leaving chores for later just so they could learn something new together.
His passion was the fire his heart forged with, creating ideals that he would carry close to his heart and never deviate from. Something he held with obsidian grip in the darkest of times, such enthusiasm was both admirable and dangerous.
Wilbur was a driven man, which led to much bloodshed where they resided last. Something his son never forgave himself for, it was bittersweet knowing the boy had no idea of what he had done before.
That whimsy and wonder evident in his voice while questioning his ‘new’ friends, genuine emotion etched across his handsome features. There was no hesitation in his chocolate eyes, no regret held close to his chest he would disappear into his own thoughts to nurture anymore.
On the other hand, he had no idea who Phil was. There was no easy smile between family, no inside jokes only years spent together would bring. There was no warm fondness for his father, though it was rough near the end. They only hurt so much because they cared so deeply for one another, the events that transpired kept them both up at night until now.
Now, only Phil was left bearing the burden of all that had transpired between them on that cursed past land. Though he had many happy years with his lifelong partner in crime, Technoblade, it was a painful time to remember what went down with his son.
For there was where he thrust a sword through Wilbur’s chest minutes after reuniting after many years, only so he wouldn’t be labelled the traitor to the population of this new realm he arrived in. In that heavy air was when he cradled the lanky boy close, crimson blooming across his yellow sweater like a terrible flower, and sobbed. Under that hill is where he lost most mobility in his wings after using them to shield Wilbur, something he struggled with still even sat upon this velvet booth in this train rumbling down tracks towards their new home.
Glancing once more at Wilbur’s joyous face, Phil resolves to keep this knowledge to himself for now. He didn’t want to return the wilt to his heart, not after Wilbur looked so unapologetically happy.
But if you close your eyes
Does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes
Does it almost feel like you've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
“You know me from before this land, don’t you?”
The question Philza never hoped to answer left his son’s lips, high on the wall he had settled upon under the late day sun. His crow instincts were far too strong, something Techno would have ribbed him for, to pick such a high position for a home. With a heavy heart it was something the avian hybrid resolved the moment he stepped foot on the soil here, to remove himself from daily activities in case his poisonous touch of death infected the rest.
Wilbur had been up here a few times, but had been more absent as of late, running off to sing his songs to the world around them. From the few rumours Phil heard more memories had been returning to the other members of this world, and it seems his ever intuitive son had picked up on the string of family that tied them together.
“I….do.” Phil answered hesitantly, peering up to look into his son’s eyes.
Damn boy outgrew his father by several inches, but it was something achingly familiar to the crow, Techno being about the same height. Wilbur narrowed his chocolate eyes, mouth twisted as he waited expectantly for more of an explanation until Phil broke, as he always did.
Funny how much his heart still knew of his father’s behaviours even if he couldn’t remember Philza, for now anyways.
Holding their gaze, he drops the pretence and throws it all to the wind. “You are my son, and I have caused you great harm in the past life you have forgotten.”
Wilbur takes a step back, before gesturing the crow over to sit under the avocado trees Phil had been carefully growing for the past few weeks. They both settle across from one another, the crow tucking his great wings close to his back with a grimace, the limbs never quite the same these days as when he was in his prime.
Wilbur picks up some stones, fidgeting with them for a moment before meeting his father’s gaze once more. “I am starting to have flashes of the world before this one, and I have never heard you complain about the same problems the rest of us suffer. I had a feeling it was something along the lines of we were related but I have also seen the pained glances you give me when you think I am not looking and didn’t want to press it until I was positive.”
Taking a deep breath, he continues. “I would rather hear about it from you so can you tell me what happened up until that point?”
Philza goes to his inventory and pulls out the makings of a campfire, beginning to set it up as he wonders where to begin before speaking. “In the previous world, I killed you because you betrayed your own country and decided to blow it to kingdom come.”
Deciding to give some context after Wilbur freezes, he lights the fire and prepares the tea cups until Wilbur recovers from that sentence. He meets his chocolate eyes to Philza’s blues and nods for him to explain after a few moments.
“You were born onto my own server about twenty years ago now, way before all of what I just mentioned, my wife left you in my care as She needed to tend to Her responsibilities. It was something we both agreed upon, much safer to raise you there away from others who would use you for whose blood runs through your veins.” Phil hangs a pot of water over the fire, settling back against the tree with a soft smile. “You are the son of a deity after all.”
“Pardon me?” Wilbur’s voice is strained and high-pitched, Philza chuckling.
“She is known to the Realms as the Death Goddess, and we met many years ago now but were never in one place to share our love in the form of a child until we had you.” Phil’s mind brought the image of the first time he held his son under that full moon, eyes shining under the soft night’s guardian. “I had a decent base set up there and we spent many happy years there. You learned guitar within those stone walls, from books I found on my outings to other Realms while you grew.”
Philza fondly reminisces on a teenage Wilbur with far too long limbs, curled around the guitar he loved while his deep voice sang beside the fireplace they gathered around each night.
“Then one day, you asked me if you could leave my hardcore realm and forge your own path, and I refused at first, harshly.” Wilbur tilts his head with unspoken questions, Phil pouring them tea after the water boiled while he was finally candid with his son. “We had a huge fight that night, for the first time in forever went to bed without resolving it. I laid awake that entire night, coming to terms with the fact I could no longer keep you safe and had to let you leave.”
“I didn’t want to stay with you?” Wilbur asked, confused.
“You were always the wandering type, I always worried but that question confirmed my thoughts you were going to leave.” Phil looks kindly at Wil, offering a small shrug. “You had to find yourself, and you would not find your heart or further drives within the borders I raised you in. I don’t regret letting you go, son.”
“So what happened afterwards? Why did you kill me?”
“We are getting there.” Phil’s voice drops, fingers shaking as he picks up the steaming cup to take a sip before continuing. “When I agreed you left with the help of your mother and arrived upon the world of the Dream SMP. A place that wasn’t developed much yet, shaky alliances at best in a world that was beginning to settle into what it would become. We initially traded progress reports with Her crows through letters tied to their claws, special birds that could fly across dimensions in service of those She blessed.”
Phil holds out a finger after answering, one specimen of the creatures he mentioned flying down from the branches they sat under. Wilbur’s eyes went wide, holding out his calloused finger for the bird to hop too. Nether particles wove between its feathers, starlit eyes peeking at Her son while the crow considered him before hopping to his head with a happy caw.
“You always had such a knack for them, they listen so much better to you.” Phil remarks, giggling, before returning to the tale. “The longer you spent there the more the tone of your words…shifted. Something was bothering you, and you were flighty at best when I questioned it further until I left it alone for a while.”
Phil remembers the exact letter where it sank in just how deadly that world was his son was struggling to find his place on. “One day, a parchment showed up with faded bloodstains and you revealed you had begun work on declaring independence from the rules that the world held since the beginning. For the cost of freedom, you paid with your life.”
Wilbur froze his drink, face imploring him to continue with morbid curiosity. “Someone you trusted dearly had been turned to the other side, costing you your first death on that server. That world worked with rules of three, you had only three chances to play with.”
“I was immediately worried, imploring you to allow me to come to your side. You waved it off, citing it being the cost of all great men to sacrifice for what they believed in and only had one request, that Techno come in my stead.”
Philza takes a deep breath, continuing in a shaky tone after glancing at the horizon. “We can go into more detail what happened in between later as the sun is setting and I don’t want to keep you for longer than you want.”
“Phil, this is my life you are describing so I could sit here all night.” Wil implores, searching Phil’s eyes before sighing. “Fine, condensed version for now but that conversation isn’t over.”
“It never is with you.” Phil shakes his head fondly. “You ended up losing your second chance when you ended up exiled from that country you created, a nation once known as L’Manburg. I knew how proud you were of that ideal, you fought and paid blood for the little freedoms you gained until you finally won independence before it was ripped from your grasp in an election.”
“You ended up alone with someone who looked up to you, and the stress of it all got to you I think.” Phil shudders remembering how anxious he grew, not wanting to overstep his boundaries and just arrive, getting by on the letters Techno sent instead. “For the first time in your life, you stopped speaking to me for weeks. We had our spats growing up, family does all the fucking time, but we always were open with one another. I was fucking terrified the moment you stopped talking, the only reason I didn’t come was Techno told me not too.”
“After a few months of it, Techno’s tone shifted from playful to concerned in his letters, and in one of the last letters we exchanged in such a fashion, he begged me to come to the Realm.”
“I rushed for the first time in years, packing up what I needed and preparing my hardcore world for a long time without me. The Death Goddess helped speed up my arrival and even with all of that, I arrived only moments before you pressed the button that would rend your unfinished symphony asunder and I failed to convince you not to do it.”
“You threw your blade at me and gave me an impossible choice; kill you to show I was not a traitor or don’t and allow the server members rushing to do the same to execute us both instead.” Phil closed his eyes, unable to look at Wilbur while he admits what has haunted him since that fateful day. “I slide that sword directly through your ribcage, and you bled your third chance out in my arms under these broken wings I used to shield us from debris.”
Crickets singing their tune was the only noise after Phil finished, drinking the last of his tea before gathering the nerve to look back up at his son.
We were caught up and lost in all of our vices
In your pose as the dust settled around us
“In short; I founded a country, went mad after I was thrown from it, and died at your hands after I turned traitor and I insisted you do so?” Wilbur summarised, Phil nodding yes.
“That’s not all that happened in that world but that's the jist of the beginning of all tales woven through the cursed soil of that land.” Phil speaks bitterly, the other youth he should have done a better job protecting came to mind. “You weren’t the only one whose soul was warped by those around them, that place was full of manipulators and power hungry people.”
Phil shakes his head, blonde tresses falling down his cheeks as the braid he always wears taps against his neck. Five beads clinked together at the end; rose pink, daffodil yellow, leaf green, blood red, and indigo purple encircling the weaved together strands. Physical markers of souls dear to the crow, you had to cling onto the small things when you count your life in aeons and the others around you were blips on that scale.
“In the chaos there was peace though.” Phil decided to soften the story told just a bit, remembering the others they had left behind. “Several other beings on there were ones you held close and felt the need to hold a sword in defence of. I can tell you more about them another day but you had friends such as a strong woman named Niki, there was a shy enderman hybrid named Ranboo you also grew close too and several others besides them.”
“Who was I closest to there?” Wilbur’s chocolate eyes grew darker as the sun finally set, pools of coffee Phil found comfort in.
“Probably this young obnoxious bastard named Tommy, a boy with far too much energy and drive to remain contained.”
“Sounds pretentious.” Wilbur offers, Phil chuckling.
“That describes him very well but as much as he annoyed you, he never failed to bring a smile to your face.” Phil’s voice grows tight, tears threatening to spill realising he might not see the boy again. “For a long time he was your right hand man, you brought him up often in letters with an affectionate sarcasm surrounding your descriptions of him. In some cases, you called him the brother you never had.”
Wilbur’s own hands clench at that, before Phil reaches out hesitantly to hold his son’s after the brunette allows it.
“I beg your forgiveness that I didn’t tell you before mate, I couldn’t while I saw the unfiltered happiness you had here. No past mistakes or memories to drag you down, you were given a second chance and I didn’t want to rob it from you.”
Wilbur only holds his strong hand tighter for a moment in those fingertips covered in callus from many years of strumming strings, before he replies quietly.
“I admit I am upset you kept it from me but I am truly not sure what I would do in your shoes so I don’t blame you.” Wilbur looks to the stars above, lights glimmering in the depths of his eyes like galaxies entrapped within. “This server sounds like it was fucking chaos.”
“It was, but there was a companionship through it all that ran deep. You don’t see hell with a fellow human and not emerge a different person, the bonds some developed were on a whole other level.” Phil ran a hand through his messy blonde hair, tugging at it while he spoke. “It was also the place I spent many happy months with Techno and you, helping you accept the choices you made. It was the longest time we spent together since you left, it's a mixed bag of emotions. How I really feel about it I am still untangling.”
Wilbur scoots closer to his father and lays his head against Phil’s neck, the crow shifting his great night-shaded wing to hold the boy close after laying an arm around his shoulders. A comfortable silence grows between the pair before his son breaks it, his sonorous voice soft in the cool air.
“Will you tell me more about that Realm later?”
“Anytime you ask my son, I am done holding back if you want to ask. Anything and everything.”
Phil hoped he would help bridge the distance he felt between them while the blonde guarded the secrets he knew, not wishing to trouble him. But he had the feeling that peace wouldn’t have lasted anyways, this environment around them had more malice in it as of late. For them to survive whatever is coming, they had to trust one another.
Phil needed to trust his son would ask the questions he wished and must accept he would ask about previous choices made. For him to understand where his current moral compass points he must know the foundations upon which it was built.
Like Wilbur could read his mind, he turns his head to meet his father’s eyes once more. “I know you worry about me but I can handle it, Dad.”
Phil’s chest clenched at the title, nodding as he choked back tears before replying. “I know Wil, you have proved it many times over. Forgive this old bird for wanting to protect you, I should have known I can only do so much before your insightful thoughts would have found the inconsistencies with my escapism.”
“No more secrets?”
“No more secrets, Wil.” Phil promises, holding his free hand to his heart. “Now that you know about the crows I can show you how to summon them again, just message me anytime and I will do my best to help you find the answer you seek or be a listening ear if you need it.”
“Sounds good Dad.” His voice is much more vulnerable now, yawning before asking. “Just for tonight, can I stay here?”
“Of course Wil, of course.”
“I don’t want to move yet, let’s just enjoy the stars a bit more.”
Glancing over at his son’s heavy eyes, he smiles and agrees, knowing Wilbur will be asleep within mere moments with how his face drooped.
It was a warm night though, he leans back and allows Wilbur to curl against his side, wing flat against the ground. The numbing feeling of compressed nerves flooded out the moment the brunette started snoring but Phil ignored the discomfort to look at his soft face while he slumbered. Feeling much lighter for the first time in weeks, his mind replayed the conversation multiple times before he convinced himself to stop, just happy to not have to hold his tongue anymore.
For his son, the world.
Phil’s last thoughts before his own slumber was sending a prayer to Her above to protect them, the Death Goddess peering down with a knowing smile. Both Her men were stubborn and driven, it took them a while to reconcile but She knew it would happen.
For tonight, She blessed their sleep with comforting dreams and laid protection across the wall. An exception and a tiny abuse of Her power later, She stands over where Her hearts slumbered and smiles.
They deserved to sleep peacefully after all the high emotions of talking about painful topics, Her sweeping away to the cosmos above to watch from afar once more.
And the walls kept tumbling down in the city that we love
Grey clouds roll over the hills, bringing darkness from above
But if you close your eyes
Does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes
Does it almost feel like you've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?