Chapter Text
ATEEZ Hideout - 7 Of July 20:37
The few days Wooyoung had spent at the hospital passed by rather fast, most of the time spent on replenishing his energy or talking with whoever would stay in his room with him. He had managed to get over the need to be with everyone at all times and things were arranged as to allow some to leave as long as at least one person stayed with him.
San had been the one to stay the most and it was healing for the both of them in a way. Wooyoung loved his company and felt less lonely around him, able to escape his thoughts, while San seemed to cheer up even if a bit every time they had the chance to talk about anything.
It was obvious when guilt would take over the blond, apologies falling from his lips in a stream that Wooyoung would put an end to by reminding him that it was okay and everything Wooyoung would want of him. He’d even go as far as to say that telling Seonghwa was ultimately what saved his life so if anything San had indirectly helped.
Words were stuck on San’s throat and Wooyoung knew that much but he wasn’t much different himself. He knew how plenty of things had to be discussed once he’d be out.
The way to the hideout was quiet itself, Mingi behind the wheel with the rest inside the van since they were all way too happy to have him back. Wooyoung had never seen Hongjoong write this fast but the paperwork in the hospital was done faster than he could blink.
But of course there was another side to it all as well. The moment quietness enveloped him it allowed for all the bad thoughts to loom in. All the things he had pushed back for “a better time” to think over. He had successfully managed to run away for the most part while in the hospital and during the mission or even before that but in the peace of the car it all came back like a train.
How all people around him had been in danger because of him, how the device in his ear had never been removed and not even brought up to the doctor. Yeosang had said before that it was too risky but with access to hospitals it should be fine so why had no one brought it up? Why hadn’t he?
Technically with that man gone there was no actual reason to worry but what if information fell on wrong arms? What if he betrayed the team again? His mother couldn’t save them this time, she were dead and he couldn’t even bring himself to grieve because there were so many bitter memories when it came to her.
Allowing his mind quietness was the one thing Wooyoung wanted to avoid most and the moment he started spiraling, there was no way back. He had pushed them away for way too long.
“Hey Wooyoung, anything wrong?”
Yeosang asked carefully, noticing the sudden change in his mood but Wooyoung managed to give a smile to him. There was no way to worry them further.
“All good, just a bit tired. I have missed my bed honestly!”
That earned him a chuckle by the blue haired boy before he nodded and returned to his spacing out session. It wasn’t long that they arrived to their safe space and Wooyoung didn’t miss the way Jongho gently tapped Yeosang’s shoulder to get him out of his thoughts. He didn’t miss the way Yeosang smiled at him and left a gentle peck on his lips either.
He couldn’t say he were surprised but it had him wondering how they got there and when. It was obvious that Jongho spent the longest time with Yeosang and that they were each other’s soft spot. Wooyoung recognized his own jealousy but it his joy for his friends was much greater. They deserved each other.
“Need help?”
Seonghwa offered gently when he noticed Wooyoung was not moving, thinking that maybe he was just not feeling that well. San’s eyes were instantly on him, ready to carry him if he had to.
“No, no. Just spaced out a bit.”
The reassurance didn’t seem as believable to neither Seonghwa nor San but Wooyoung got out of the car by himself as to prove his point. If San was right behind him ready to catch him? That was an entirely different conversation to be had.
And if he lost his footing making him fall right in the arms of the blond? Different conversation as well.
“I will take you to your room. And I will bring you something to eat as well.”
San said and Wooyoung wanted to argue but the look he got the moment he was about to open his mouth told him he was going to lose this argument anyways. He couldn’t blame him after everything.
He allowed himself to be carried and set on his bed, ever so gently placed down. Wooyoung looked at the man as he gave him one last glance before turning his back in order to go fetch some food.
But Wooyoung was not feeling hungry, the thought alone at the moment made him nauseous as he kept spiraling over all that had happened this past month.
His losses, the deaths of people he cared about, his mother’s death, the discovery of the device in this ear.
That damned device that could have even cost him San.
He wanted to rip it out, no matter the consequences. He just couldn’t keep living in fear of anything going wrong. What if next time it was someone else getting hurt? What if he lost his family?
His legs dragged him out of the bed, sneaking out of his room and towards the roof. Last time he sat on there he and San had a heartfelt moment, making up and Wooyoung promising he’d never allow harm on San. Convincing him he was no threat, clearing himself of suspicion.
Last time he had admitted he never cried and San had promised to be there and catch his tears if they came. To hold him through the pain.
Last time everything had been different.
He had cried a lot since then and had been proven to be a traitor after all.
He had almost lost San after he promised. He had been the reason San got tortured to the point he almost lost his own self. He had been the reason for San to be scared.
It was all him and it hurt his brain as much as it hurt his heart.
Everything hurt as he stood at the edge, looking in the distance at the city in front of his eyes. The place he had promised to protect and free.
It was free at last but he felt trapped in his own thoughts and fear. Feelings he drowned out for too long and came to remind him their existence.
All he ever wanted was to feel but not like this.
Wanted to protect but at what cost?
All he ever wanted was his but at the same time not.
ATEEZ Hideout - 7 Of July 21:14
San had spent the ride home rather silent, his thoughts full of Wooyoung and his state of mind. He didn’t need to be a mind-reader in order to realize the other was not doing as fine as he claimed.
At first he had thought it could be the return from the hospital or some side effect from his wound or even medication. But it became obvious that was not the case.
He planned to stay with him after bringing them some dinner in bed but when he returned from the kitchen he found the bedroom to be empty.
He almost dropped the tray of food, his eyes widening since he was certain he hadn’t seen him around on his way to the room.
Had he ran away?
San’s heart started beating fast in his chest, panic filling it in a second as he placed the food on the bed and rushed outside. He had to find Wooyoung, had to make sure he was alright.
He began by looking inside the rooms one by one, catching glimpse of everyone’s worried faces as he kept slamming doors shut since none of those had Wooyoung behind.
His anxiety spiked up, the thought of Wooyoung not being inside the house in his state was gripping and squeezing at his heart and lungs. Anything could go wrong. Maybe the boy had fainted somewhere or bumped into some of the wild people who took their freedom to the extreme.
San was scared but there was one final place to look at and that was the rooftop.
His legs almost gave out as he climbed up the stairs as fast as they would take him, his only slimmer of hope that Wooyoung would be safe.
As he threw the door open he was met with the figure of the boy at the far edge of the building, eyes lost and empty as they cried silent tears. The red head didn’t move in order to wipe them away, San was not sure if he had even noticed as he stared at the nothingness in the horizon. The city that they could not even hear from where they stood.
“Wooyoung…?”
That seemed to break the boy out of his trance as he turned around to look at him, as broken as he doubted he had ever seen him before.
He would never get used to seeing the tears on his face, as often as they had become recently. Those beautiful eyes of his glowed with them but San still wanted to kiss them away gently. To ease the pain.
“San… I didn’t expect you to find me so soon.”
There was a sad smile on his face, as if he didn’t want to be found. As if he only wanted to run away and disappear. San would never allow it.
“Woo… Come here baby.”
The nickname sounded so natural coming from his lips, he didn’t need to think twice to decide that he liked the sound of that. But Wooyoung hesitated, looking conflicted as San took a step closer to him.
He could only make guesses for what was going on in the boy’s head but there was no way to confirm anything unless he would open up to him. It was obvious that something was torturing him and San wanted to be there the same way Wooyoung was for him.
“I am dangerous San…”
Wooyoung whispered after a long moment of staring at him, of seeing San get closer and closer without making a move to close the distance himself.
“You are not. And there is nothing to be afraid anymore, remember what you said?”
It was no surprise that Wooyoung mostly said those thing to reassure him but San had chosen to believe in their safe future. Nothing would happen again. And whatever had caused Wooyoung pain would be dealt with sooner or later.
“San, how many died because of this? How many got hurt? You… I almost lost you. I almost lost everyone.”
He could hear the hurt in his voice but as he took another step forward, Wooyoung took one back. It made San’s heart drop, how close to falling the boy were. He didn’t seem to even realize because a yelp left him when he realized he wasn’t stepping on solid ground.
“Careful! Please…”
San could beg if he had to but Wooyoung took a step forward anyways, anxiously looking at the blond.
“I don’t want to die San but… But what if…?”
San didn’t even want to hear it.
“There is nothing that will ever hurt you or us again. And at the end of the day we are fighters, we’d win once again. You told me all this.”
He wouldn’t allow Wooyoung to do anything stupid because fear consumed him. Maybe in that moment he understood what the man had meant that emotions could bring death but he refused to lose anyone to that. He would pull Wooyoung out of the dark thoughts in his head.
“We promised we will be amicus ad aras. Don’t throw our happiness away because of what is in the past. We will find a way to remove that thing and we will properly grieve together who is lost along with all the people we managed to set free together. This outcome is thanks to you as it is thanks to me or Hongjoong or anyone. You were part of the problem unwillingly, yes. But you were also part of the solution because that is what you truly wanted.”
If his words managed to help Wooyoung he didn’t know but the way the boy’s eyes flickered with a shimmer of hope which made him want to be optimistic.
“I just keep thinking that had I not been born then you would not have been through this all. They wouldn’t know of our plans and what all this brought…”
Maybe things would be different but San knew that victory could only be achieved with Wooyoung on their side.
“You remember what you told me last time we were up here?”
A frown formed on Wooyoung’s face at that, raising an eyebrow.
“A lot has changed.”
That was true.
“Maybe. But not the fact that you saved my life before you even knew me. So had you not been born what I know for sure is that I wouldn’t be here now, breathing. Honestly I could have died in hundreds of missions had I not met you. Besides we always worked together to succeed.”
San could never forget those words Wooyoung had shared with him under the same moonlight. A secret he had kept to himself because he was selfless like that.
“But…”
“There is no ‘but’ Woo. I owe you my life the same way everyone owes you their freedom. You have done a lot of good in your life, don’t let the negative part pollute your mind. Especially since it was out of your control. You never asked for it.”
He didn’t expect Wooyoung to cross the distance and hug him but he welcomed him with open arms either way.
“Thank you… Thank you for always making the voices in my head fall silent Sannie. For making things better.”
And San knew he meant those words from the deepest part of his heart. He would do it over and over again, fight Wooyoung’s demons personally if he had to.
“I don’t think I’m fully okay and I don’t know if I will ever be. But with you, I believe I can at least fight it. I can breathe through the ache.”
Wooyoung’s voice was barely audible but San’s attention was solely focused on him so he didn’t miss a single syllable spoken.
“We don’t need to be okay for the sake of telling others that we are. We have been through a lot and it’s fine to be broken, to be in pain. As long as it doesn’t consume us and eats us alive, we can heal together. We can feel like shit in each other’s arms and sob our hearts out. We can cry together as nightmares pluck our dreams, too scared to even open our eyes in fear of the terrors being real.”
Because they were far from okay and that was fine.
Even if the world was too much to bear and everything was too much.
All was just fine.
“San…”
The boy started but words left him just as soon.
“I know, it’s okay.”
They didn’t need words.
“Do you think maybe deep down she loved me?”
“Maybe she did.”
First question.
“Would the girls forgive me had they known?”
“I am sure they would understand you had no power to stop it. You did your best.”
Second question.
“Will the others ever trust me again?”
“They already do, we have all been worried sick for you. Why would they be if they thought you are an enemy?”
Third question.
Three of the many to be asked but for the time being Wooyoung fell silent. He fell quiet for a long moment.
“Do you think we can… Finally address what this means for us?”
That one question wasn’t as easy to answer.
“I think it’s the best moment to… Think it all over. With no mission on our neck potentially separating us. Regret won’t find us anymore, unless we keep running away for the rest of eternity from it.”
As soon as those words left his lips, Yunho came to find them. It was obvious Wooyoung had something to say but he allowed the other to speak instead, words trapped behind his lips.
“Hongjoong says that we should all gather in the living room. I think he bought stuff so he probably wants to celebrate.”
While San was dying to know what Wooyoung had to share with him, he also knew they had forever in front of them for this. So he held his hand out to the red head.
“Shall we go? They are waiting for us.”
Wooyoung didn’t hesitate to grab his hand as he nodded his head.
They were not okay, they didn’t need to be.
They had each other, that was already enough.
ATEEZ Hideout - 7 Of July 21:57
A celebration was more than needed after everything they had been through and with Wooyoung back at home as well Hongjoong believed it was the perfect moment for it. He just wanted to bring up the spirit again, take in their freedom and feel it to his very core.
He was no idiot, he knew none of them was at their best shape and they had all been tired but the weight of the world had finally been lifted off their shoulders and Hongjoong for one felt like he could finally breathe again.
Watching as everyone joined him one by one in the living room had him smiling in a way he hadn’t in ages, feeling so light. His eyes fell on Seonghwa easily, the one who carried most of the burden with him and who always stood by his side for his restless nights.
Then he looked at Yeosang and Jongho, the duo holding hands as they occupied a sofa. The two were perfect for each other, what each of them needed. The leader was proud of them really so he let them be in their own little world.
Then there was Mingi, looking around expectantly for Yunho who had went to find Wooyoung and San. At first the peach haired had been right behind San when they noticed the man was in distress but as soon as he realized those two found each other he had decided to back away until he’d have to get them for the party. Now was that time and Mingi was waiting impatiently for him. Hongjoong could guess he was rehearsing words in his head and if he had to make a guess? They would have a new relationship blooming in the team soon.
“All well over here, Captain?”
Seonghwa asked gently as he got close to him, smile soft on his lips and two drinks in hand. Of course, one was held out for him to take and Hongjoong gladly accepted.
“You don’t need to call me that anymore you know. I think… You can finally be Park Seonghwa and I can be Kim Hongjoong with no fear.”
The smile he was offered could make the world stop, Seonghwa had always been the type of person to brighten the mood or even a whole room.
“Well then Kim Hongjoong are you doing well?”
The giggle the other let out did things to him that he had no power to admit out loud.
“I am perfect actually. It’s over. It is finally over.”
The pink haired hummed and nodded.
“It is over. But this doesn’t mean we need to change, we will remain a family.”
Hongjoong chuckled at that.
“Two of our kids are smooching on the couch, I think that would be a problem if we were actually a family.”
That had the other roll his eyes at him before gently hitting the back of his head.
“Hey!”
A pout formed on his lips but Seonghwa still looked at him with those soft eyes, giggle barely held back.
“That one was deserved, stop saying silly things.”
He was about to argue when he noticed the trio that was missing. San and Wooyoung were holding hands as they both looked much calmer than a while before and Yunho wasted no time to join his giant friend.
Oh. Maybe three couples. Not that Wooyoung ending up with San would be a surprise in itself, it was them accepting the obvious that would shock Hongjoong.
“You do look at them like a proud father you know.”
Seonghwa continued with his agenda, making Hongjoong’s ears turn red.
“Does that make you their mother? Gave birth to them and everything.”
There was a silence. Uncomfortable silence. Hongjoong was so close to apologizing for saying that, taking back what he said.
“Are you saying you want to wife me up?”
Oh.
“Well… Make a husband out of you sounds a bit more correct.”
What was he saying?
“For the kids…?”
It was all or nothing he guessed since he already dug his own hole by bringing it up.
“For myself mostly if I were to be honest…”
The silence stretched once again and Hongjoong wanted the ground to swallow him whole, he couldn’t even bring himself to look at Seonghwa.
Had he ruined everything? Maybe keeping silent had always been the best path.
“Take me on a date.”
What?
“Ehh… Do you actually mean that?”
There was no way he heard that right.
“Of course I do. I think you have some courting to do, Kim Hongjoong.”
He was going to lose his mind and Seonghwa was the cause of it. Seonghwa who winked his way and went to join San and Wooyoung to check on them and mostly the latter for any possible side effects or discomfort after his treatment.
Hongjoong was happy, happier than he had ever been with this little family of theirs. He didn’t really expect them to end up in pairs with potential relationships hanging over their heads. They didn’t have time for that before but maybe it was time to focus on themselves after everything they went through.
It wouldn’t be easy or a road covered in petals but it would work out, he was sure of it. There was so much they still had to discover and learn, to understand the depth of their emotions and what each meant for them. There was time, though, for them to take it slow and discover what they truly wished for.
Love was a complicated thing, it was not easy to decipher. But Hongjoong believed it was what he had in his heart. Platonic and romantic depending on who it was directed towards. He had known Seonghwa had his own special spot with the way he always looked after him and helped him and just how gorgeous he looked… Seonghwa had always been all that Hongjoong could dream of but he never let that thought develop because there was no way to know the outcome of their missions.
But there were no longer any and as he noticed Mingi whispering sweetly in Yunho’s ears until the tips of them had turned red? Hongjoong knew he as well could finally indulge in his own greedy desires.
He would court Seonghwa and make him his, make him feel wanted or even needed. He did need him. He would have achieved nothing had he not have him.
“Are you finally doing something for your painfully obvious crush on him? You two haven’t been hiding it really well.”
Jongho asked making him realize that maybe he was just as naive as Wooyoung and San because he really could never tell it was mutual before whatever had just happened.
“How did you know you like Yeosang?”
He found himself asking.
“Easy. I felt happy around him, like he gives me a reason to do well. He believed in me always and I did the same for him. We spent quite a while talking when we worked together and realized there was something going on between us but chose to wait until we both came out of this safe.”
The leader nodded his head as he listened, finding himself smiling at the information because it was really so simple but sweet. He could only hope the best for them.
“Seonghwa has always been special to me…”
He whispered and Jongho couldn’t even pretend to be shocked, a snort coming out of him.
“Yeah we could tell by the way he was the only one you ever allowed in when you were in hyper-focused mode.”
Hongjoong felt his face heating up in embarrassment.
“We actually… Once he kissed me and it felt like all my worries disappeared. I think that is when I realized that I didn’t simply find him pretty but there was more to it.”
Voicing that hadn’t been easy but the memory did enough to sooth him, a warmth in his chest. Jongho smiled at him.
“I am happy for the two of you, really. I hope… All of us can be happy now. We have been through enough.”
Hongjoong couldn’t agree more with that statement. But as he thought back to that day, he thought that maybe there were a few things left to do.
He didn’t know if it would end up impossible but he had to try. For Seonghwa.
ATEEZ Hideout - 8 Of July 02:25
The party had gone on for quite a few hours, all of them needing the pleasant atmosphere. It had started rather timid but with Mingi and Yunho there to cause chaos it soon turned into pure fun.
They had played drinking games, ate various snacks Hongjoong had bought, watched some DVDs the Teacher had gifted them before after getting them in his hands, listened to Mingi’s new music and talked with each other for whatever until tiredness kicked in and Yeosang was already asleep on the couch.
They didn’t want to wake him so they decided to wrap it up while Jongho carried the blue haired boy to his room. The younger never came out but that was no surprise, probably deciding to cuddle his lover to sleep.
That left the others to clean up the mess they had created with Seonghwa giving orders on each of them to finish as quick as possible. Hongjoong was the leader but there was nothing as scary as Seonghwa when they didn’t clean up after themselves.
All in all, the night had been pleasant and fun and just what they had all needed after everything. Wooyoung had never been to a party before and he doubted any of them had. This could be the first of many.
Currently Wooyoung was heading to his room, his body aching but he had no reason to complain. Seonghwa had even given him a pass on the chores but he refused and helped anyways because he really wanted to. He never felt so much joy in his life, maybe it was worth living it after all even with the weight in his heart. With San’s presence on his side, he could feel so much better and everyone made it easy to forget the pain.
“Want to sleep together tonight? It has been a while.”
The “while” was like the four days spent in the hospital where San was mostly there holding his hand anyways but he would never reject such offer. Besides there was a conversation they never managed to finish pending in the air.
“When have I ever said no to that?”
San beamed up at his words and opened the door to San’s room, choosing that one this time. It didn’t really matter but the red head realized he wouldn’t have pajamas just as they stepped inside. He could go get them later.
“Today was pretty eventful.”
San started, not bothering to hide himself as he started taking off his pants in order to change. They had seen each other naked before before the mission that left both of them scarred, San still looked just as beautiful as that day. The day he had told him to have no regrets and indulge in what they could make of it to remember.
Wooyoung had felt so safe and taken cared of, had wanted to kiss San more than anything but he only took what San gave him. Maybe he got a bit greedy and stroke him to completion as well but that was it. It was also the time he shed his first tear because his heart felt so happy, serene. He had never felt such warmth inside his chest before.
This time he was determined to say all that he had been too much of a coward to say that day because he knew that if he were to voice those only to lose San later it would be a billion times worse.
“Wooyoung?”
The blond asked gently when Wooyoung spaced out instead of replying to what he said. Wooyoung simply smiled at him and stepped a bit closer until he could see the blush on San’s cheeks and could count the freckles on his neck.
“San… We need to finally talk. We can’t keep pushing it back. No more distractions and no more running away from it… And I know it’s me who always avoids it but not anymore.”
The other looked taken aback for a brief moment but his smile returned soon. Even his dimples made an appearance as he nodded and took a seat on the bed, only boxers and a pajama shirt on.
“Then let’s talk Woo. Honestly I wanted to know what you had to say but I didn’t want to push too much, you know? And I do have quite a lot to say as well.”
He felt what he could recognize as anxiety bubble up but he forced it back down, refusing to back down.
“I think… I really like you. I mean you can probably tell that much already, but like… I like you a lot. Maybe more than like…”
He felt so stupid trying to put it into words. It was obvious that there was a spark between them, their bond was strong. But things were complicated in their world, in Wooyoung’s world where every emotion he experienced was so new and foreign.
The blond had blushed, looking more timid than he was used to.
“I like you too Wooyoung. Honestly? I think I love you.”
The words leaving San’s mouth felt like a hug in a cold night during a rainstorm. They were like hot cocoa during the harsh winter and Wooyoung was the marshmallows melting because of the heat provided.
“You know that I can’t possibly know the idea of love, nothing could make it clear enough how it should feel like. No book could grasp it fully. But if it’s the desire to live and that feeling of pure happiness. The ache and sorrow when you are away. Then I know that I am in love with you and could never find enough books to describe all that I am feeling when you do as much as glance my way.”
He finally said the words he had been keeping in his heart for so long, probably almost as long as he had known San because falling for him was easy. Loving him was easy.
And San’s eyes had turned misty as he looked at him, smile blinding. He thought he had seen the man happy before but nothing could compare to the sight in front of him. San was glowing like the brightest star in the sky and that star belonged in Wooyoung’s dark sky, always lightening it up.
“I don’t think we need to define love as whatever it is expected to mean… If what we have is love to us who could ever dare say anything on it as to how it is supposed to be? If it is a romance in a story or soft kisses in the dark? If it’s sorrow at the mere thought of being apart or warmth in the mention of your name? We can have our own definition of love, Woo. You don’t need to look for it in the hundreds of books you own. Because love is not an emotion like others.”
San’s words had his own eyes threaten tears, his mouth aching from how widely he was smiling. He was right, love could mean whatever they wanted it to mean because he knew for a fact the other was what he wanted a ‘lover’ to be like.
“Being away from you was the hardest moment of my life. It felt like a part of me was ripped away and I couldn’t be complete unless we were together. I thought that if I didn’t voice these thoughts it would hurt less but… It didn’t. Because you were already in my heart.”
That earned him a quick little peck which caught him off guard.
“I felt the same way. Both when I was away and when you got hurt. Thinking of you had been my strength for the most part and when they managed to fuck up my head enough I could still faintly remember you.”
It had to be love.
“Let’s forget the past?”
Wooyoung offered as San took his hands in his own.
“Let’s look at our future. I want to hear the sound of love’s breath.”
He liked that. As San gently laid him on the bed, Wooyoung felt as light as a feather.
His clothes were removed and so were San’s, no need for pajamas after all. Things didn’t escalate further, though. San simply laid with his arms around him and placed the covers over them two.
Skin on skin is how they fell asleep.