Archive of Our Own ^beta

There was once a time in Youichi’s life, where he thought of just quitting baseball. He thought that maybe baseball just wasn’t compatible with a person like him. When his scholarship was taken away, he thought that he didn’t care. That he’d be fine either way. But then Rei entered his life—she found him like he was waiting, and before he knew it, he was standing at the entrance of the esteemed Seidou, his veins filled with so much adrenaline that he wondered why he even thought of quitting in the first place.

Now, with his graduation from the baseball team and his actual graduation from high school approaching in less than 4 months, it's like time has slowed down. The baton had been passed on to their underclassmen to keep fighting for that crown at Koshien, and Youichi now only had college entrance exams to worry about. 

He walks at a slow pace through the dorms, taking in the fresh evening air, listening to the muffled sounds of his teammates conversing in their rooms and of thick tree branches swaying in the wind. He’d miss this. He’d miss this a lot, but he thinks that he isn’t unhappy, having to move on. In fact, he feels ready for it. Seidou had given him so much, but his life was still only beginning, and there was plenty to look forward to.

As Youichi strays farther from the dorms and closer to the practice fields, he sees a familiar brown-haired figure in the near distance and his lips quirk up. He quickens his leisurely walk into a half jog and calls out his friend's name.

"Yo, Miyuki."

Kazuya turns, reciprocating Youichi’s cheerfulness with a grin.

"Hey."

The sight makes Youichi’s stomach flip in equal parts fondness and melancholy. It was hard to believe that this wouldn't be a daily occurrence in the near future. He always knew that their paths were bound to stray apart one day—it was no surprise to hear that Kazuya was going to be drafted into the NPB. Youichi had always known that Kazuya would be playing in the majors one day. He could never confidently say the same for himself, though, and in the end, he chose to go for university, with a small, foolish hope of someday still being able to stand there, with or against Kazuya.

“What’s up?” Youichi asks when he is by Kazuya’s side. He studies Kazuya’s expression, wondering what he was thinking about before he had shown up and drawn his attention. 

“Ah~ Nothing, really,” Kazuya answers, a soft exhale leaving his lips. “Just can’t believe we’re gonna be out of here soon.”

Youichi can’t help but smile, seeing that Kazuya was thinking about the same things.

“Tell me about it,” he chuckles. “Can’t wait to be rid of your snarky ass once and for all.”

“Hey,” Kazuya grins, elbowing Youichi’s side. Youichi shoves him lightly in response, cackling at the sorry pout on Kazuya’s face. A strong breeze blows by and Kazuya tucks his arms towards his body, shivering slightly. “Ugh. Are you going back home for winter break?”

"Yup,” Youichi nods, throwing his arms up and lacing his fingers behind his head. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen my family. My mom would be pissed if I didn’t come home.”

He feigns annoyance, but his expression tells another story. Kazuya smiles.

“What about you? Are you going back home?"

"Yeah, I am. It’s also been a long time for me.”

“I can imagine. I’m sure your parents miss you.”

“Ah, well…maybe. It’s just my dad at home though,” Kazuya says, laughing awkwardly. Youichi senses a drop of tension in his voice.

“Oh, my bad,” Youichi apologizes. “Sorry, I guess I don’t know much about your family at all.”

“Nah, don’t worry, it’s not like I bring it up in the first place.”

“Tell me, then, about your family. I wanna know.”

“It’s not that interesting,” Kazuya says, shrugging Youichi off. The air around them suddenly feels thick with some sort of unspoken burden. It’s not something that Youichi is unfamiliar to, but it’s not like it’s something pleasant either, when Kazuya retracts into his own space like this. Even with that stupid look on Kazuya’s face that feints nonchalance, Youichi wants to reach out. Cup a palm at his cheek. Pull him back into reality, into his world.

Still, he hesitates.

The curtains are slowly falling on their time at Seidou together, but even without his catcher’s gear as armor, Kazuya is still so guarded. Youichi slows, coming to a stop, and Kazuya takes notice, pausing and turning back to look at Youichi. He is looking down the grassy slope, and Kazuya follows his gaze to Furuya and Sawamura in the distance, racing each other. Kazuya makes an offhand comment about them being overexerting idiots.

“Tell me anyways,” Youichi says.

“Why do you want to know?” Kazuya asks, training his gaze back to Youichi. The sun, from this position, bathes them in golden light. It’s a strange time to do this, really, but it feels right at the moment for Youichi. At the edge of dusk, he feels his heart becomes exposed.

“‘Cause I like you,” he says. “I like you, Miyuki.”

Kazuya isn’t as surprised as Youichi would expect him to look. Was he that bad at hiding it? His brown eyes search Youichi’s face for something else—an elaboration, a clarification, a sign that this was some sort of stupid joke. All he finds in Youichi’s skin is plain honesty. 

When Kazuya understands that Youichi is serious, he lets out a small, shaky exhale, before his lips curve up into a slight smile. 

“Sorry, Kuramochi.”

*

Should he be more sad about this? Youichi stares at his reflection in the mirror, in an attempt to assess his own sanity. No, he felt fine, strangely. He pushes a few stray strands of hair up against his fringe. His biggest concern at the moment was probably his need for more hair gel. 

Perhaps it’s because this was the outcome that he was expecting anyways. He didn’t really expect reciprocation from Kazuya. Youichi doesn’t know what he was expecting, exactly. He supposes it was selfish of him then, to share the weight of his feelings onto Kazuya’s shoulders, when he already carries so much.

Nothing has changed between them, though. There is no awkwardness or tension, which Youichi is grateful for. Yet, he can’t help but feel that it stings just a tiny bit, that his feelings were so inconsequential. He doesn’t regret the confession though. And he isn’t necessarily embarrassed that his feelings are out in the open for Kazuya to see. 

Youichi has never been ashamed of liking Kazuya.

*

The weather during their last week before winter break is gloomy, and during their last class of the day—English, Youichi stares at the window and watches raindrops fall from the sky. As class wraps up, he vaguely registers the reading assignment for break. The teacher lets them go a few minutes early, and the classroom is quickly filled with a low chatter, chairs and tables scraping against the wooden floors, bags and raincoats rustling. Instinctively, Youichi slings his bag over his shoulder and heads to Kazuya’s desk.

“Hey, are you headed back to the dorms?” Youichi asks. He scratches his cheek, remembering the invite from Nori and Shirasu to grab some pizza after school. It’d be nice if Kazuya could join too.

“Yeah, I have a meeting with Rei and coach, about the draft,” Kazuya says as he finishes zipping up his backpack. His eyes look bright, and Youichi can tell that he’s excited.

“Cool,” Youichi smiles. Kazuya stands up, and Youichi is about to tell him he’ll go grab a bite with Nori and Shirasu, but then Kazuya asks:

“Wanna head back with me?”

And suddenly pizza is the last thing on his mind. He nods, pulling his phone out from his pocket to send a quick text to Nori that he’d have to join next time. 

“Do you have an umbrella?” asks Youichi as they leave class and descend the stairs to the school’s main entrance. 

“I do. You?”

“Nope.”

“That sucks.”

Youichi kicks his calf and Kazuya snickers. Despite it, when Kazuya pulls his umbrella out from his cubby and opens it outside the school doors, there is no protest when Youichi squeezes in next to him, their arms brushing up against each other. This type of physical proximity was never too uncommon between the two, but Youichi still feels his heart skip a beat at Kazuya’s warmth. His left shoulder and Kazuya’s right shoulder are both getting wet, and Youichi sees that Kazuya’s glasses are getting fogged up, but neither of them say a thing.

*

On Friday evening, before everyone catches their trains and flights back home for the holidays, the team has a Christmas party. Youichi can hear Sawamura’s voice before he even enters the cafeteria. He had come late, having procrastinated way too long on getting a present for the White Elephant round. He turns the corner, a solid form hitting him.

“Ow—” Youichi scowls, stepping back and rubbing his forehead. He looks up to see Kazuya frowning, bringing his hand up to his chin, which had been the site of impact.

“What the hell, Miyuki?” Youichi grouses, as if Kazuya had done this on purpose. “Why are you out here? Damn loner.”

“Sawamura kept saying the captain should be caked, so I snuck out of there. Why are you so late?”

“Aw, were you getting sad and lonely without me?”

Kazuya rolls his eyes. Youichi grabs his arm, tugging gently.

“C’mon, let’s go back in. It’s the last time you’ll get to do this, for fuck’s sake.”

“Didn’t know you were that sentimental.”

He doesn’t fight Youichi over it though, and lets him pull him back into the brightly lit building. They’re immediately greeted with red and green streamers and tacky Christmas music playing from an old stereo. He tosses his present at the pile under the small, but nicely decorated, tree in the center of the room and then makes his way towards the food laid out on the table.

“AH, CAP, THERE YOU ARE!”

Kazuya cringes, making a failed attempt to hide behind Youichi, who cackles.

“Oi, Sawamura,” he says, voice suddenly serious, and Sawamura stills, coming to a stop. Kazuya almost seems to be relieved, before a devious grin spreads on Youichi’s face. “Hit him hard, will ya?”

“You’re evil,” Kazuya breathes out before darting away. Youichi only smiles as he piles food onto his plate and listens to Kazuya yelling at Sawamura to stay away.

Once everyone has had their fill of food and conversation, the evening wraps up with a game of White Elephant. Youichi’s last minute present, a sleek insulated water bottle, was unexpectedly popular but ultimately ended up in Yui’s hands. Haruichi’s contribution to the gift pile was a nice pair of batting gloves, which Youichi actually really wanted, but it ended up going to Toujou, who was so appreciative that Youichi couldn’t even be annoyed.

In the end, he walks out of the room full of Christmas cake and a polar bear shaped pillow tucked under his arm. Of course, it was from Furuya, who looked like he actually really wanted his own gift. It’s not the worst possibility. Asou, the poor dude, ended up with a phone case that didn’t even fit his phone.

Youichi yawns, the tiredness from the past few weeks now fully settling into his body. There was still plenty to review before the college entrance exams, but he was more than ready for the upcoming break. He shuffles to his room, grateful that Sawamura and Asada had gone off with their friends to continue the festivities. He’d fall asleep easily tonight.

He’s so tired that he imagines Kazuya calling his name. Twice. Three times. 

Wait . 

Youichi stops, shuffling backwards, away from his room’s door and looks up to see Kazuya leaning over the upstairs railing, waving at him. His hair is damp, probably from washing out whipped cream and bits of cake. 

“Miyuki,” Youichi says, a little dumbfounded. “What?”

“Hold on.”

Kazuya heads to the staircase, stepping down, and Youichi meets him halfway at the bottom of the steps. He stares at Kazuya curiously. The brown-haired boy shoves a hand into one of his inner jacket pockets and procures a blue and green striped paper bag out. 

“Merry Christmas,” Kazuya says. He hands it to Youichi as if it were the most ordinary thing in the world for him—giving presents. This was a first for them. Youichi studies Kazuya’s expression. He looks nonchalant about it. There’s also a smidge of something else there too—nervousness, maybe. Youichi doesn’t let himself dwell on it and just accepts the gift.

“How nice of you,” he states, staring at the bag, wondering what might be in it. Kazuya grins.

“It’s nothing. Just felt generous this year!”

Youichi chuckles, shaking his head.

“Well, I’m going to go finish packing. I’ll see you after the break.”

“Yeah, thanks. Night.”

Kazuya saunters off to his room, and Youichi is left alone. He turns on his heel, making his way back to his room, eyes transfixed on the present. Inside his room, he sits at the edge of his bed, and he carefully peels the tape back off of the bag. He peers inside to see a brand new pair of batting gloves, and a smile spreads on his face before he can stop it. He exhales loudly, hanging his head down.

He hates to admit it, but a small, hopeless part of him was wishing for some form of reciprocation in that bag. Youichi leans forward, resting his forearms on his thighs, and presses the bag to his forehead, his cheeks heating up slowly.

*

When Youichi makes it home, he is greeted with the smell of chocolate and a tight hug from his mom.

“Oh, look at you!” she gushes. “So close to graduating high school already! Where’d my little baby rascal go?”

Youichi pushes her off as gently as he can, blushing and scowling.

“Quit it,” he mumbles. She smiles, patting his cheeks, before her expression turns serious.

“Hey, Youichi…do you have a partner yet?”

Youichi rolls his eyes.

“If I did I wouldn’t tell you,” he remarks, unwinding his scarf. It was only a little humiliating to be asked that after getting rejected by his crush. “What are you making? Smells good.”

“Huh? How mean…” she makes a failed attempt to pinch his cheek. “Brownies just came out of the oven. Go change and come have some. I know they don’t feed you enough sweets at school.”

Youichi laughs. His mom had too much of a sweet tooth, unlike a certain someone. Youichi cringes to himself as he prods up the stairs to his room. There he goes again, thinking about Kazuya. The distance felt strange. Youichi thought it might be good for him to be apart from Kazuya. He thought that it might help him get over his lame crush a little faster, but it feels like the bastard pops up in his thoughts every other minute either way.

He had become too used to Kazuya’s constant presence. Even now, it feels like if he calls his name and turns his head, he’d be greeted with that dumb smirk.

He pushes the door to his room open, dropping his bags at the foot of his bed before stripping off his jacket. He looks around; the room is well-kept, despite not having a resident, and Youichi can’t help but smile fondly at the thought of his mom cleaning the room as if he were always there. But, it’s followed by a roll of the eyes when he notices some of his things in places he definitely did not leave them before. His mom always liked to reorganize without his consent and then claim innocence. 

The framed photo of his friends from middle school is now at the center of his desk, instead of shoved between some books on his small shelf. Figures. He never told his mom about their little falling out. He picks it up and stares at the image, at their young, stupid smiles. Maybe it’s because he’s graduating, but nostalgia seeps through his skin. There is no resentment, only a washed out bittersweetness. 

He wonders.

He wonders if they’re doing well. He wonders if they have wondered the same thing about him. He places the photo back onto his shelf, properly, not between any books, and takes a seat at the edge of his bed.

Would this be the fate of the bonds he formed at Seidou too? Memories packed into wooden photo frames, sitting idle on a shelf? 

Maybe. Maybe not.

There are people like Nabe and the Kominato brothers, who Youichi doubts will fade out of his life so easily. There’s Sawamura, who wouldn’t let Youichi slip from his basket of friendships even if he wanted to. There are many others, like Shirasu and Asou, who Youichi will remain friendly with but probably only see every few years at reunions.

And then there’s Kazuya. Kazuya, who has a brick for a phone and is practically notorious for putting baseball above interpersonal relationships. Youichi wonders a lot, maybe too much, about what their future is. When he tries to imagine Kazuya unattended on this old shelf of his, he can’t. He hates the thought. They don’t even have pictures together, besides team photos, and those don’t really count.

He wonders if it will be inevitable, when they separate for good at graduation. He closes his eyes and tries to imagine it: reaching out to Kazuya, really reaching him. Holding his wrist, his hand, anchoring Kazuya to himself, not allowing him to stray far away, into the confines of a wooden rectangle. 

Yet, even in Youichi’s imagination, Kazuya always slips out of his reach, like sand between his fingers.

*

It feels like Youichi’s life has been a cycle of video games, working out, and studying for exams, peppered with occasional family outings. Rei had told him he’s likely to get a scholarship to some universities, and that he’d find out soon, but he still had to pass their entrance exams. He refills his mechanical pencil, places it gingerly next to his exam book, leans back in his chair, and stares at the ceiling, heaving a long sigh. 

The truth is, he was bored out of his mind. Home was nice, but Seidou always kept him active, physically and mentally. As depressing as it was to admit, he didn’t have anyone here to spend time with besides his family. Even his favorite PC games were getting old. Sawamura had video called him a few hours before to wish him a belated Merry Christmas and early Happy New Year, and that was entertaining until he had to hang up and go run laps with Furuya.

Maybe he should hit up Nabe and see how he’s doing. Or Ryo. 

Youichi’s phone rings as he contemplates his options. Too lazy to move, he lets it ring for a while as he continues to stare at the ceiling. It was probably spam anyways. He hums along to the tune for a few seconds before finally glancing at the caller ID. He nearly jumps out of his seat when he sees the first few characters of the name.

It's Kazuya.

He blinks and it's still Kazuya, still that default ringtone that he never bothered to change.

Kazuya never calls Youichi. The last time he can remember hearing his voice through a phone was when Kazuya had gotten separated from the team, when he went off to find wherever Furuya and Sawamura had wandered off to again. Youichi is so stuck on wondering why, that the call ends with his phone in hand. He waits one minute, two, three for Kazuya to shoot another call, a message, but nothing comes. 

Of course he wants to know why Kazuya called. Youichi chews on his lower lip, debating whether he should call back. Would that be too desperate? Maybe he should wait a day and drop hints to Kazuya that he’s too busy being cool and hanging out with all his friends to answer his phone calls.

Before he lets himself have an inane mental argument about it any longer, he presses the call button and holds his breath.

“Kuramochi?” Kazuya answers sooner than Youichi had anticipated, and stunned, he nearly forgets to reply. His voice, even processed through the graininess of his phone, makes Youichi’s heart squeeze. It’s been too long.

“Oh—Miyuki. What’s up? Why’d you call?” he asks, trying to sound as cool and composed as possible.

Kazuya doesn’t say anything for a moment, as if he was thinking of the right words to say. Youichi imagines him with that cute furrow in his brow when he’s thinking hard about something, and he fights back a smile. 

“Nothing important. Are you busy? I just wanted to talk, I guess.”

It’s a little strange, to be talking to Kazuya like this through the phone. Having seen him practically every day for the last few years, Youichi has become much too accustomed to conversing face-to-face, where he can see all of Kazuya’s stupid expressions from serious to plain irritating. Something about only being able to only hear each other’s voices was strange, almost vulnerable. If he closes his eyes, it’s as if the universe only consists of him and Kazuya.

“Not busy. We can talk,” Youichi says, pushing his chair away from his desk. He stands up and makes the short trip to his bed, where he flops down onto his back. “Miss me already?”

Kazuya’s laugh travels dozens of kilometers through his phone to send tingles through his nerves.

“Maybe. It feels weird not seeing you for this long.”

Youichi turns onto his side, his heart a wreck now, from one sentence. How unfair. Desperately, he wants to know the expression Kazuya is wearing now.

“True. How’s home?”

“Home is good,” Kazuya says, taking another pause. It feels more like hesitancy than anything, Youichi waits. “It’s just me…and my dad.”

“Really.”

Another pause, longer this time. Again, Youichi doesn’t reply and just waits. It feels like the right thing to do.

“Yeah. My mom passed when I was a third grader, so it’s just been me and my dad since then.”

Oh. Youichi scrambles to find the right thing to say to Kazuya— shit , he isn’t sure what the right thing would be. Before he figures that the least he can say is “sorry,” Kazuya continues.

“We actually used to live with my mom’s parents, in Akasako. But then we moved out after she passed, of course,” he nearly stumbles over his words, like it’s the first time he’s ever said them. It feels uncharacteristic of Miyuki Kazuya, Seidou’s unshakable captain who always speaks with plain confidence. “But it’s not that big of a deal—living with just my dad, I mean. We have a good relationship. He works hard to keep a roof over my head and has always supported me when it came to baseball. It was his and my mom’s favorite sport. Oh—they met at a baseball game, actually. Since I was a toddler, we would go to games, the three of us. They’re to blame for me liking baseball so much, I think.”

Kazuya’s voice lifts as he recalls some of those happier memories, and Youichi’s initial anxieties fade away and he smiles, pressing his phone closer to his ear, not wanting to miss a single syllable. He always liked this side of Kazuya: the talkative, happy one.

“I’m sure she’s proud of you for getting this far. Your dad too. You’re gonna be all over TV one day.”

“...Yeah,” Kazuya replies, his voice a gentle thing. Youichi can practically hear Kazuya smile. His chest aches. He wants to see it. “Feels like I’m honoring them, in a way. I can’t wait for the day I can finally pay my dad back tenfold. Take care of him. Make sure he doesn’t have to work another day in his life.”

“I don’t think anyone doubts that you’ll get there. The majors aren’t ready for you, dude.”

Kazuya laughs, and Youichi laughs with him.

“But, I’m sorry about your mom, really. And…thanks for telling me. Although, why all of a sudden?”

He bites his tongue, concerned that he may have come off too harshly, when Kazuya had just opened up to him about his home life for the first time. It was genuine curiosity, though.

“...Because you asked me, remember?” Kazuya replies.

Right . That time. That time where Youichi asked him a personal question and then followed it with a confession. Something about it being at the forefront of Kazuya’s mind, makes Youichi want to bury his face into his pillow and scream .

“Yeah, I guess I did,” Youichi replies dryly. “...Thanks. I’m glad you told me. I really am.”

“I’m glad I told you too.”

It’s quiet again, and Youichi desperately tries to find the right words to say without making another fool of himself. He doesn’t want to hang up. For a moment, it’s just the sound of Kazuya’s breathing: in, out. Maybe he doesn’t want to hang up either.

"I have to go make dinner now, so…" Kazuya says quietly, and Youichi has to will the disappointment out of his damn body.

"Alright. See you."

And that's it. Youichi sighs. It feels like some sort of weight has been lifted off of him, and his nerves still tingle with leftover adrenaline from Kazuya’s surprise chat. He wonders if this call opened up permission for him to call Kazuya whenever. During the rest of the break. After graduation and even later on.

A full minute barely passes before his phone rings again. Youichi raises an eyebrow, but wastes no time in answering anyways. Maybe Kazuya forgot to tell him something important. But what could it be? Something about when he is supposed to come back to the dorms? The trigonometry homework maybe? Or something related to the team, like—

“Kuramochi, I like you too,” Kazuya blurts. It comes and goes so quickly that it almost flies right over Youichi’s head. He is silent for so long that he’s surprised Kazuya hasn’t gone and hung up yet. Stunned, his eyes grow large and he slowly sits up from his bed. 

“Wha…”

“I’m sorry,” Kazuya says quietly. Again , with the apologizing. Youichi’s face burns.

“Why? Why are you sorry? Wait, go back, you like me?”

“Because—” Kazuya sighs, makes an adorable noise from the back of his throat: something resembling embarrassment. “Because I rejected you."

"...Yeah, you sure fucking did," Youichi says, still processing Kazuya’s words. He runs a hand through his hair and resists the urge to just yell . He knows he should let Kazuya speak now, when he's already being honest.

"We're going to go our separate ways soon. We won't have a lot of time to see each other. I thought it'd be better if we just didn't."

"Hey, hey, we haven't even gotten together but you're worried about breaking up ?"

Silence, and then,

"I like to plan ahead."

Youichi howls with laughter.

"You're so stupid. I despise you."

"I thought you liked me," Kazuya laughs back. It fills Youichi with warmth. 

"I do. I like you," Youichi reiterates. It feels good to air out all these buried feelings again. “...Why don’t we try?”

“I—I don’t know,” Kazuya sighs. “It’s just a weird time to start dating, when we’re gonna graduate and be apart for so long. I don’t know.”

“Then why did you call me?”

“Well—”

“Miyuki, you’re the one who called me.”

This is worse, Youichi decides. To move on, knowing Kazuya liked him back. He would have preferred to never have known this, rather than live with the fact that the two liked each other without ever having tried dating.

“You know what—Kuramochi, let’s talk about this when we get back. I want to think about it more.”

“Wait, no. Fucking—don’t hang up now. This isn’t a puzzle you can solve. It’s not a fucking game strategy to figure out. It’s a simple decision—yes or no.”

“You’re being a jerk.”

“Yeah and you’re being—”

“Yet I still like you. I guess there’s my answer.”

Youichi’s mouth falls open, but before he can reply, the line cuts off. His eyes widen.

“You—”

He calls Kazuya back but is met immediately with voicemail.

I guess there’s my answer?

Of course Kazuya would leave him with just that. The vaguest confirmation of their relationship status. Youichi suddenly felt desperate for winter break to end, so he could get back to Seidou and kick Kazuya’s ass.

*

On the first day after break, Youichi walks into class, and he sees Kazuya. As he always does. He looks the same, and Youichi can’t deny the comfort of being able to see him again. He feels his heartbeat stutter when Kazuya glances in his direction briefly, but they lock eyes for barely a second before Kazuya nonchalantly looks away again, eyes fixed on his notebook instead. Annoyance begins to creep onto Youichi’s expression. 

Kazuya didn't pick up his phone once after their call. He didn't even send a Happy New Year message. 

Whatever. 

Youichi inhales deeply as he settles down at his desk, reeling in his emotions, tucking them back in neatly into his heart. It’s not like they can talk about everything now, so Youichi lets it slide. Now that Kazuya was in his reach, there was no running away from this. Once the last period was over, they’d talk. All he had to do now was sit through the classes and try not to combust from the feelings he’s been holding in all throughout break. 

*

At 4:00 in the afternoon, when he is certain that Asada and Sawamura are gone for practice, Youichi invites Kazuya into his room. Kazuya silently takes a seat on Youichi’s chair, and Youichi leans against the bunk bed frame, staring at his friend. 

There was so much on his mind for the past few weeks. So many things he wanted to ask. He was desperate for answers.

Why didn’t you call back? Why did you just ignore me? Did you really mean it, when you said you liked me too? For how long? Did you know, all this time, that I liked you too?

Kazuya’s silence is grating to Youichi’s ears. Even at lunch, they did not exchange many words, besides Youichi asking Kazuya to meet him here. He wonders if Kazuya’s mind was occupied with this too, or if it was just some inconsequential thing not worth keeping at the forefront of his mind.

“Miyuki…” Youichi starts. Kazuya stares at him, blinking, unmoved.

“Kuramochi.”

"Are we dating?" Youichi blurts out, mentally cringing afterwards at the lack of eloquence. 

"Oh," Kazuya says. “Do you want to?”

It feels like a trick question, for some reason, and Youichi has to stop himself from overthinking the question.

“I do,” Youichi answers, his mouth feeling dry. Was that it?  

“I mean—I thought about it, and graduation and separation is the issue, right? So I think we should try until then. Try until graduation, and from there, we can decide what to do.”

Youichi swallows. He should feel happier about this, but he can’t help the twinge of disappointment and annoyance that crawls up his back. Graduation was in three months.

This was such a Miyuki Kazuya thing to do. Even in the most illogical thing—love—he finds a way to approach it with logic. With this setup, their relationship already has an expiration date. An exit plan. For some reason, Youichi doesn’t feel confident it’ll last. He wonders if accepting this situation would ultimately be a stupid thing to do.

But it’s Kazuya, and Youichi is unfortunately a fool for him.

“Okay, sure,” Youichi states, voice softening when Kazuya offers him a small smile. It emboldens him. “C’mere, Miyuki.”

Kazuya stands up and walks towards Youichi. 

“What is it?”

Youichi can see up close, the light blush dusting Kazuya’s cheeks, and it makes his chest swell with affection; any remaining disappointment dissipates in a moment.

“I wanna hear you say it now,” Youichi mumbles. “That you like me.”

“What? I already did,” Kazuya huffs, eyes avoiding Youichi’s piercing gaze, ears growing visibly red.

“Because you chickened out and did it over the fuckin’ phone,” Youichi scowls. “Cheater.”

“How is that cheating? I still said it. You should be more gr—”

God, you’re annoying , Youichi thinks, no bite, all affection. He shifts his weight forward, and presses his lips against Kazuya’s, effectively shutting him up. When Youichi pulls away, Kazuya has this flustered look on his face, and Youichi would laugh if he wasn’t so endeared by it.

“...I like you,” Kazuya finally says, quietly. Youichi reaches out, cups Kazuya’s cheek in his palm and feels his flesh, warm and soft under his fingertips. His eyes have softened and his eyebrows are scrunched together slightly. This isn’t the cocky Kazuya, the serious Kazuya, the mischievous Kazuya that Youichi is used to seeing. This is Kazuya without all of his heavy, protective gear. 

Is this what he looked like that day, over winter break? So beautiful, so vulnerable?

Youichi brings another hand up to caress the other side of Kazuya’s face. He still feels warm, springy flesh. He holds his face like that gingerly, taking in all of Kazuya’s features, trying to remember this feeling before his features may harden again.

“I like you too,” Youichi says, before Kazuya pulls away from Youichi’s touch, eyes lowering bashfully.

“Let’s keep this a secret,” Kazuya says. “I can’t even begin to imagine what everyone would say if they knew.”

“True,” Youichi chuckles. Just thinking about the fuss that would cause amidst the team was starting to make his head hurt.

The conversation dies out there, and he doesn’t really know what to do now. He’s brimming with emotions. All he knows is that he wants Kazuya to stay here. They can talk about anything or maybe nothing at all, but he wants Kazuya to stay with him.

The taller boy takes a seat at the edge of the bed before flopping down on his back, long legs hanging awkwardly from the edge. 

“I thought you were gonna say no,” Kazuya states. Youichi sits down next to Kazuya, wondering if that really was the right answer to Kazuya’s little proposal. “After I left you hanging for that long.”

“Very kind and patient of me, huh?” Youichi replies, discarding the murderous intent he had begun to harbor at the tail end of their time apart.

“Very.”

“Be more grateful. There are only so many people in this world that can put up with your shit.”

Kazuya laughs. Youichi falls back, hitting the mattress with a light thud. He turns on his side to look at Kazuya. They lay together like that for a quiet moment. 

“I really do like you,” Kazuya whispers. His words fill the empty space in the room. Youichi won’t ever get sick of hearing them.

“You know, I thought you were gonna say no to ever going out.”

“That’s funny.”

“And here I thought we knew each other well.”

“Guess three years isn’t enough time.”

It isn’t. Youichi is convinced he needs a lifetime to understand the puzzle that is Miyuki Kazuya.

“I want to know you better. There’s so much I don’t know. It meant a lot to me, when you told me about your parents. I want to hear more stories from you.”

“Mm…” Kazuya makes a noncommittal sound. Youichi gently knocks his fist against Kazuya’s arm.

“That’s what going out is about. You signed up for this.”

“Is it too late to back out?” Kazuya grins. Youichi slaps his arm, not very gently this time.

“I have you ‘til graduation, fucker.”

*

“Look what I got,” Kazuya suddenly states, when the two are at a cafe on the weekend, getting homework and studying done. Youichi looks up from his notes. In Kazuya’s hand is a smartphone.

“Finally upgrading from your old man tech?” Youichi smirks. Kazuya rolls his eyes.

“Add me on Lines or whatever,” Kazuya states, handing his phone over to Youichi. Youichi raises an eyebrow.

“Lines?”

“Isn’t that the texting app everyone uses?”

“LINE, Kazuya,” Youichi snorts. “Fucking dumbass. You didn’t even install it yet. And why don’t you have a password on your lockscreen?”

He glances back at Kazuya, who has a surprised look in his eyes.

“Wh-What?” 

“You called me Kazuya.”

“Am I not allowed,” mutters Youichi, suddenly feeling embarrassed. Kazuya’s lips quirk up into a cheeky grin.

“Of course you can, You-chan~”

“Shut the fuck up,” grumbles Youichi, ducking his head as he feels his cheeks warm. “Never call me that again .”

“Awww, are you embarrassed?”

“Nothing is as embarrassing as your lack of technological skills. Here, set up your account.” He hands Kazuya’s phone back to him and watches on endearingly as Kazuya squints at the screen, tapping on it clumsily. “When did you get this thing, anyways?”

“Over break, my dad and I got phone upgrades,” Kazuya explains, not looking up from the screen. “Thought it’d be good, before graduation and all. Plus, everyone has been bugging me about it. Although my last phone worked just fine.”

“...How’s your dad?” Youichi asks, not without a bit of hesitation. Kazuya glances up at him, pausing briefly before answering.

“He’s fine. Nothing new at home, really. What about your family?”

“Also fine.”

“...I told you, before, about my childhood, but tell me about yours, now.”

“It’s not very interesting,” shrugs Youichi. “What do you want to know?”

“Sawamura told me you were a total thug in middle school.”

“That brat…”

“Tell me about that,” Kazuya smiles. He hands his phone back to Youichi. “Can you add me yet?”

“Sure, sure.”

Later that night, Youichi receives a LINE message from Kazuya.

Good night, You-chan.

He blows a small huff of air through his nose, lips curving up into a sleepy smile. Two minutes later, his phone vibrates with another notification from Kazuya: a green heart emoji. He chuckles quietly, wondering if he spent all two of those minutes figuring out how to use emojis. He quickly types back a message.

sleep well, kazuya

* 

As they both discover, it really isn’t too difficult keeping their relationship a secret from the rest of the team. Nothing major has changed about them, besides private kisses and fingers intertwined in secret. Their usual light bickering remained constant, and they’ve always stuck closely to each other’s sides in the first place. 

And maybe that’s the issue, because Youichi had falsely assumed that with their new titles of boyfriend and boyfriend, something about their dynamic would be fundamentally different. Kazuya still felt somewhat distant from him, despite Youichi’s attempts to get him to open up more. Not just about his past, but also his emotions. At times, he felt like a stranger, even after they got done pressing their lips together.

Wasn’t getting together supposed to be the hardest part? He is now dating Kazuya, but people don't change overnight. 

Their conversation over the phone during winter break was the first and last time Kazuya was really vulnerable with him. Any probing questions or remarks since get diverted or shrugged off. 

Kazuya was content to remain grounded in the present, even more content to look towards the future. A future in which Youichi was unsure he belonged. 

*

Late night study sessions with some of the other third years had become part of Youichi’s daily routine, as entrance exams approached. Their sessions usually start off with more fooling around than studying, until it starts getting a little too late, and everyone shuts up to actually go through their review books. It’s one of those rare nights where Youichi is in the zone and ends up being the last one in the room, while the rest of the boys have left to go to bed. 

Two more chapters, and he’ll go to bed, he decides. With his headphones in, he doesn’t hear anyone approach him, and nearly jumps out of his skin when he feels a firm hand on his shoulder.

“Holy shit—” Youichi shouts, standing up and throwing his headphones off his head. “Nabe.”

“Oops,” laughs Nabe. “Sorry, Kuramochi. Can I sit here?”

Youichi heaves an exasperated exhale, before sitting back down.

“Oh god. Yeah—sure, go ahead. Sorry. You fuckin’ scared me.”

“Sorry if I ruined your focus.”

“Nah,” Youichi says, shaking his head. He’d like to spend more time with Nabe anyway, before they graduate and part ways. “What’s up?”

“Nothing, really. Just wanted to hang out. How’s studying?”

“Not bad. It’s just English that trips me up, but I think I’m doing alright. And for you? I’m guessing you’ve studied everything and reviewed it all over three times?”

Nabe chuckles as he pulls the chair out next to Youichi to sit down.

“Only twice.”

“You’re gonna get out of here and do great things with that big brain of yours, man. Don’t forget me when you’re a bigshot.”

“I’m just thinking of becoming a sports analyst,” Nabe smiles, shaking his head. “Even if I’m not the best player, I still really love baseball, after all.”

“Is that so,” Youichi smiles back. “Looks like you’ve got it aaalll figured out, huh?”

“What about you? You’re thinking of playing in college?”

“Of course. I still love baseball too. Maybe I won’t make it to the big leagues like Miyuki, but I still would like to play as long as I’m able to.”

“Like Miyuki, huh…” Nabe mumbles. Youichi stares at him, eyes growing slightly wide. “You two are dating, right?”

Youichi rises to his feet again, chair clattering behind him.

“Who—Who told you that?!”

“You did.”

“...Excuse me?”

“Just now, you admitted it,” Nabe laughs, and Youichi discovers that it’s an impossible feat to be mad at him.

“Fuck,” mutters Youichi. He scoots his chair back to its original position, sitting down with a pout. “How long have you known?”

“I’ve had my suspicions since the beginning of our senior year,” Nabe shrugs. “Although, I wasn’t sure if either of you would have ever acted on it. Me asking that was a shot in the dark.”

Youichi suddenly feels self-conscious, and his cheeks heat up.

“Well, how is everything going?”

“Good, I guess. Well—you know how Miyuki can be.”

“Mm. Must be tough.”

“I dunno. Feels like he won’t ever trust me enough to open up. I can’t tell what he’s thinking.”

“You know, starting to date you is probably already a big step for Miyuki. I’m sure he just needs time.”

Youichi stares at his hands. Nabe is probably right. The problem is—they don’t have that much time left. There were only two months left until graduation.

*

If there’s one thing Kazuya and Youichi bond over the most, it has to be teasing Sawamura. With Kazuya being his ex-catcher and Youichi being his roommate, they have put up with a little too much Sawamura Eijun over the past two years. It’s their god-given right to poke fun at him.

“Woah there, don’t eat so fast, you might choke and die,” Kazuya comments at the sight of Sawamura scarfing down his dinner with intense vigor. “What’s Seidou gonna do without you?”

Sawamura looks up at Kazuya, and it’s like he can’t decide whether to look mad about the first comment or to look pleased about the second. 

“My favorite manga just released its newest volume and I have to leave to go get it as soon as possible so I can make it back in time for my night laps,” Sawamura explains in one breath, face as serious as ever, before he dives right back into his meal. Next to him are Haruichi and Furuya, eating at a normal pace, unfazed by Sawamura.

“You and your little shoujo manga,” Youichi remarks, shaking his head.

“It’s not just shoujo manga. It’s art!” Sawamura exclaims. “You wouldn’t get it.”

“Eh, what’s that supposed to mean?” asks Kazuya.

“I mean—you two know nothing about love!” Sawamura accuses, wagging a finger at the both of them, huffing and glaring with his cheeks now pink. 

“Huh. Is that so,” Kazuya chuckles. “I suppose that’s right. Huh, Mochi?”

“Yeah, true. We’re clueless,” Youichi shrugs, a smirk on his lips. “Anyways, Sawamura, slow down for Furuya over there.”

“What do you mean,” huffs the younger boy.

“He’s your store buddy. You guys always go to the store together.”

“Wh-What’s that supposed to mean?!” 

“That you two always go to the store together?” Youichi raises an eyebrow, fully aware that he’s poking at one of Sawamura’s most sensitive points. Furuya turns his head to look at Sawamura, and Sawamura’s face turns as red as the cherry tomatoes on his plate when he meets his eyes.

“That…That isn’t true!” Sawamura retorts. He scarfs the rest of his food down with haste before standing up. “I’m going now! Without Furuya!”

“Ouch,” Youichi says.

“So cruel,” Kazuya adds. “Poor Furuya.”

Furuya is staring at his food with half-lidded eyes, clearly tuned out of the conversation, and Haruichi looks more concerned about him face-planting into his rice. Youichi doesn’t really understand why Sawamura feels so strongly towards the tall and aloof pitcher. But then again, he doesn’t really understand why he himself feels so strongly towards Kazuya, a tightly shut oyster with a pretty shitty personality.

*

On the first day of February, Youichi finishes his last entrance exam. He and a bunch of classmates grab a celebratory barbeque dinner after the fact, and he doesn’t have any plans further than that besides to melt into his bed. As he’s walking back to his room after washing up, he catches a glimpse of someone walking towards the fields. A wrench in his plans.

When Youichi catches up to him, Kazuya looks at him with a small, knowing smile. Like he knew Youichi would come and find him.

“How was dinner?” asks Kazuya.

“Good…what are you up to now?”

“Just taking a walk before I head back to bed.”

Youichi follows his eyes to the baseball fields. He knows, despite what Kazuya may say, he’s going to miss Seidou. Youichi wishes that Kazuya could just say these things out loud. In the distance, he sees Sawamura flailing his arms around and shouting something to Furuya. Youichi is reminded of the day when he confessed to Kazuya.

“You think they’ll get together before we graduate?” Kazuya smirks, jabbing his thumb towards their underclassmen.

“10 bucks yes,” Youichi states. He could pull something to expedite the process, anyways. 

“They’re too dumb. They need at least another half year to realize their feelings. So 15 bucks on no.”

“Hm. We’ll see about that."

Kazuya descends one of stairways part way, taking a seat, and Youichi seats himself next to him. He wonders if this is the way Kazuya thinks of them, too. If he had to bet on the state of their relationship a month from now, he might say, we wouldn’t survive a long distance relationship—20 bucks on breaking up .

“Palm,” Kazuya suddenly says.

“Hm?”

“Gimme your palm.”

Youichi holds his hand out. Miyuki digs in his jacket pocket before placing something in Youichi’s palm. Chocolate covered strawberry gummies. It’s a small container, warm from Kazuya’s body heat. Youichi’s stomach clenches.

“I know you like sweets. Sorry it’s small. Couldn’t really haul something bigger back. People would get suspicious.”

He already had ice cream with his classmates earlier, but he peels open the package anyways, popping one in his mouth, licking some of the melted chocolate off his fingers.

“Thanks,” Youichi says softly. The candy is sweet; he doesn’t know why this moment is doing more damage to his heart than exchanged kisses. Kazuya is staring at his sneakers, a somewhat shy expression on his face. If they weren’t outside, Youichi would scoot closer, wrap an arm around him, maybe press his lips against his skin. 

He checks his wristwatch. It's almost their usual bedtime. There are always moments like these with Kazuya, where he feels like he can't fully enjoy himself, with graduation creeping up slowly behind them. He's always chasing Kazuya. For reciprocation, now for more time together. 

“You know, I don’t need to wait until graduation to decide if I still want to be with you. I already decided when I first told you I liked you. I want to be with you past high school.”

Kazuya is silent; his eyes remain downturned.

“I don’t really get you, sometimes, Kazuya…but I’d like to understand you more. I feel like you aren’t letting me.”

“...That’s not it. I’ve never liked another person like this before. I just need more time to get used to this.”

Youichi laughs dryly.

“More time? Kazuya, we’re fucking graduating in a month and a half…”

Kazuya looks at him, an apologetic look on his face. It makes Youichi feel a little sick.

“...Say it Kazuya—that you want to keep going past graduation.”

Kazuya just stares at him, expression unreadable. Youichi wishes he could just be angry, but no, he has to be half angry and half-still-in-love. Youichi doesn’t know what he’s thinking, just that Kazuya is silent in response to his plea. His heart squeezes painfully as he accepts that maybe Kazuya never even wanted that as an option.

He stands up, discarding any hope he had, convincing himself that things are better off this way.

“Alright, then,” Youichi says. “Why draw this out any longer than we have to, then? Let’s break up now.”

“Youichi—”

“Too fucking late,” Youichi cuts him off, turning and walking away before he can regret this decision.

*

Kazuya was always the most honest when in uniform. To some extent, Youichi was the same. Baseball had its way of extracting a raw, intense energy out of both of them, and their interactions were always most pure out in the field, under the hot sun. 

That match against Ichidai—Youichi’s unbridled excitement had spilled out of his nerves and he instinctively looked to Kazuya, leaping into his arms. And Kazuya—Kazuya had really , fully reciprocated, arms wrapping around Youichi’s torso, fingers bunching up the fabric on his back. The moment was fleeting, before everyone else had crowded around the two, but Youichi still hasn’t forgotten that indescribable feeling.

Of being so close to Kazuya. Of, for a single moment, crashing through Kazuya’s armor. 

*

Unlike the transition between not-dating and dating, going from dating to not-dating was rough. It’s not like they ignored each other completely, but there was always an uncomfortable air when they were near each other. As it turns out, this tension was harder to mask than romantic escapades, and more than a few of their friends had caught wind of their strained friendship.

An intervention from someone was inevitable.

He finds Youichi on the rooftop during lunch, a quiet place he’s been frequenting as of late.

“Kuramochi,” calls Nabe. Youichi is leaning against the railing, looking out in the distance. He doesn’t turn around, but waves a hand looseley to let Nabe know that he’s aware of his presence. Nabe walks up to him and offers him an onigiri.

“Did you eat?”

“...Nope,” Youichi admits. He accepts the food gratefully. “Thanks, Nabe-chan.”

“Let me guess, things didn’t work out so great with Miyuki?”

“You could say that,” Youichi says dryly. He unwraps the rice ball slowly, keeping his attention there, rather than the conversation. He’d like to avoid thinking about Kazuya, if possible.

“What happened? If you don’t mind sharing.”

Youichi shrugs.

“Nothing happened , really. I just kinda got fed up with him and decided to break things off. It just felt like we were going nowhere. It felt like—he didn’t care.”

He stares at the food in his hand, his appetite now diminished. Saying all of those things out loud made him feel a twinge of guilt—was he too impatient with Kazuya? He hated that he kept wondering what Kazuya wanted to say to him before he stormed off that night. He wanted to be stronger than that. He wanted to be able to move on without regretting his decision.

“I see,” Nabe says. “You know, I talked to Miyuki just yesterday.”

“...About?”

“You.”

“So he knows that you knew about us.”

“Well—more like, he told me first.”

“Oh, so you knew our relationship had already gone to shit,” Youichi mutters. His chest squeezes tightly. Seems like Kazuya had no trouble opening up to Nabe.

“Um, I hope I’m not overstepping by saying this, but you two are both important friends to me. Not just me, but some of the other guys are worried too. I had to stop Zono from confronting you two. Point is, I’d like to see you two at least make up as friends. Things don’t feel the same without you two together, after all.”

“I don’t see the point. Kazuya—I mean, Miyuki is gonna graduate and fuck right off, forgetting about any of us.”

“Kuramochi, you don’t actually believe that about him, do you?” Nabe asks, staring at his friend.

“...Maybe I do,” Youichi mumbles in response, brow furrowed. He finally takes a bite of the food, and his eyes start to sting. His nails dig into the onigiri, seaweed crinkling underneath the force. “Fuck.”

Nabe's lips curve into a small smile. He brings a hand up to pat Youichi’s back gently, as tears surface in his eyes and fall in drops far, far below them. 

*

“Attention everyone!” Sawamura suddenly shouts in the middle of dinner. “In honor of Valentine’s Day and in the name of Love, I would like to make an announcement!”

He climbs onto the bench, waiting for everyone to focus their attention on him. Beside him, Furuya looks like he desperately wants to leave.

“No fucking way,” Youichi mutters. A few seats down, Kazuya barks out a laugh.

“Don’t tell me you got confessed to!” Asou yells out from behind Youichi. The cafeteria grows noisy again with murmurs and laughter.

“Ahem!” Sawamura shouts again to draw everyone’s focus back to him. “I would like to announce that Furuya Satoru and I are officially dating!”

Someone on the other end of the room groans before the room erupts with more laughter and teasing comments. Despite it all, Sawamura seems unfazed, his eyes practically sparkling with happiness as he looks below, towards Furuya. He gestures for his now-boyfriend to stand up with him. Furuya pretends to ignore him.

Youichi’s attention is drawn to Kazuya again. He is clutching his sides and trembling with laughter. Youichi can’t help but laugh too. It was ridiculous, yet almost admirable, how Sawamura’s approach to his little crush changed completely from embarrassment to pride once his feelings made more sense to him.

“Sit down, idiot!” Youichi shouts back at Sawamura. When he turns his head, Kazuya is staring at him, a small smile still on his lips.

“Looks like I owe you,” Kazuya remarks, loud enough just for Youichi’s ears.

*

Youichi can’t believe it has come to this: he’s actually envious of Sawamura. Sawamura Eijun, of all people. He almost feels sick at the thought, but it’s true. He is envious of Sawamura and Sawamura’s new boyfriend, Furuya Satoru.  He is envious of their easygoing honesty. Of the way they can utter the words “I like you, I love you” each day, without any reservations.

The world would end before he could pull that type of sincerity out of Kazuya.

Maybe Sawamura was right all along. He and Kazuya knew nothing about love.

*

It’s a Friday afternoon, and the sun is finally shining after a two-week spell of rain. Youichi would love to do nothing more than go outside, maybe play some tennis or go on a jog, before grabbing a bite with friends, but he’s on cleaning duty this week with none other than Miyuki Kazuya. He can’t help but wonder if someone had interfered with the cleaning chart, because as far as he can remember, their names weren’t together before this week. But he doesn’t have any evidence to prove it, so he lets it be. 

He goes to the bathroom once the bell rings, allowing most of his classmates time to leave the room before the two can get started. When he returns, Kazuya is erasing the chalkboard, white specks of dust dancing around him.

“Hi,” Youichi greets him.

“Hey,” Kazuya says. Youichi walks past him to the closet to grab more supplies. They haven’t been in a room alone like this since they were dating. Youichi’s limbs feel heavy, and he remembers Nabe’s words, but he doesn’t know how to set things right again. Kazuya, as always, is an enigma to him. He stares at his back, and despite it all, his hands itch for him. They itch to hold him, to softly peel back every one of his hardened layers, until he reaches all the parts Kazuya won’t show. 

Instead, they tighten into fists. When he has procured the cleaning supplies, he turns around and feels his heart jump when he sees that Kazuya has turned and is staring right at him.

“We should talk.”

“...Sure,” Youichi agrees, leaving behind his supplies and approaching Kazuya towards the front of the classroom. He seats himself on one of the desks. “What’s up?”

“I think you know ‘what’s up,’ Youichi,” Kazuya states. Youichi stares at him, deadpan.

“No. Explain it to me.”

Kazuya sighs.

“I wanted to apologize,” he says. “I was a shitty boyfriend, huh?”

“No,” Youichi blurts it out faster than he can think, because it’s the truth. “I mean—yeah, you’re annoying as fuck and frustrating as hell, but you were never a bad boyfriend to me.”

Kazuya manages to muster up a sad smile at Youichi’s remark.

“You know, you were right, when you said I don’t let you understand me. I actively avoided talking about my feelings and my childhood, and in the process, I just pushed you away.” His voice grows soft, and his eyes are looking at anything besides Youichi. “Can we just move forward from everything? As friends, at the very least.”

“Can I ask you something?” Youichi interjects. “When we got together, did you ever truly believe that we could be together after graduation? Why did you even call me that day, if you already knew you didn’t want this to last?”

“That’s not it,” Kazuya replies, voice rising. “You—I…Ugh.” He heaves a sigh and adjusts his glasses before speaking again. “Of course I wanted it to last. But knowing you weren’t gonna be around me anymore past graduation started to become too much, and without even realizing it, I had pushed you away from me.”

“Miyuki, why didn’t you tell me? You could’ve talked to—”

“I like you so much—and I wanted to always be there with you. I already know how hard it is, when you love someone and you can’t be together. It fucking sucks. It would fucking suck, for me and for you. It’s better this way, isn’t it?”

Youichi slips off the desk and approaches Kazuya.

“No. No—it’s not better this way. Why would you even think that? Of course it sucks to be apart, but it’s worlds better than us not being in a relationship at all.”

“I don’t want us to resent each other for it.”

“Wha—Why would we? I would never resent you—even now, I have never resented you. I have never regretted trying, with you.”

Kazuya lets out a small, insincere chuckle.

“I had a fight with my dad over break, because he said he couldn’t come to my graduation. And this always used to happen. Once I was old enough to take decent care of myself, he started working more and more. Never showed up to my games when I was a kid. Or to school events. We barely spent time together and it wasn’t his fault. He was working for us —and I’ve always loved him. Yet, I still felt resentful at times.”

His eyes flicker to Youichi before returning to his roughened hands.

“I’m terrible, aren’t I?”

“You were just a kid.”

“I always push people away, because it’s easier to be alone.”

“No, it’s not. It’s not easier to be alone. Don’t lie to yourself like that. Don’t spit on all the friends you made here like that.”

“I know I’m a jerk. I’m sure you guys are sick of dealing with me, anyways.”

“Hey,” Youichi cuts him off, his voice firm. “Kazuya, look at me.”

Kazuya slowly lifts his head, eyes glossy with sorrow. Youichi presses an index finger to the creased space between his brows.

“You’re not a bad person.”

“I—”

“Shut up.”

He places his palm at the back of Kazuya’s head, pulling him towards his chest. It takes a second, but Kazuya wraps his arms around Youichi, hands burying themselves in his back, forming deep folds in Youichi’s cardigan.

*

When March rolls around, Youichi receives an acceptance letter to Meiji University with a hefty scholarship. He learns that Nori and Nabe, along with a few other third years, are also going to attend, and his heart lifts with joy. On the other hand, Kazuya has officially signed on with the Hanshin Tigers. Graduation was in two weeks, and the Seidou managers have been running around for the past week preparing a goodbye party for all the seniors on the team.

“Chocolate, vanilla, or matcha?” asks Sachiko, tapping her pen impatiently on her clipboard.

“Vanilla,” Youichi answers quickly, with conviction.

“None of the above?” Kazuya chimes in next to him. Sachiko shoots him a brief glare.

“Pick one,” she demands. Kazuya sighs.

“Matcha.”

“Hm,” she notes down their preferences, nodding to herself before walking off. It’s comfortably warm out, and the two are sitting cross-legged, side by side on the grassy hills overlooking the practice fields, where the underclassmen are hard at work. Two more weeks, and Youichi would be moving on from this sight. It’s a bittersweet feeling, but he feels ready to move forward nonetheless.

He glances to his side to look at Kazuya, a similar wistful smile playing on his lips. Although they had agreed to carry on as just friends, stares and touches that are a little more than platonic have resumed. Their arms brush against one another, and Kazuya turns his head to look at Youichi. 

“What is it?” Youichi asks, peering right back into his honey colored eyes. 

“I’m going to miss it here.”

“Same.”

“...And you. I’m gonna miss you too.”

Youichi cackles. “Aww, how sweet.”

“I’m serious,” Kazuya retorts. His cheeks have reddened, but he doesn’t tear his eyes away from Youichi’s. Youichi lifts his hand, giving Kazuya’s head a brief pat, letting his fingertips linger in the brown locks a little too long.

“I’ll miss you too,” Youichi answers softly. “I’ll bug you on LINE. Now that you know how to use it. Don’t ignore me, either, because I can see when you read my messages.”

“Wait, that’s a thing?”

Youichi laughs. Kazuya rolls his eyes, turning his head away to observe practice again. They see the new captain, Kanemaru, shout some encouraging words to the team before conversing with the coach. Close by, Sawamura is helping Furuya with his bunting position. He’s all smiles and looks around before leaning in close to leave a chaste kiss on Furuya’s cheek. The taller boy has never radiated more sunshine and rainbows.

“Ugh,” Kazuya and Youichi say in unison.

“They can’t keep their hands off each other,” Youichi grimaces.

“I heard Kanemaru and coach are considering a dating ban because of them,” laughs Kazuya. He pities Kanemaru but is glad that this isn’t his problem anymore. “Although, if it doesn’t affect their pitching, I wouldn’t care too much.”

“Feel like they’ve gotten better, if anything.”

Kazuya hums in agreement, and they fall into a comfortable lapse of silence, their ears drinking up only the sound of their team hard at work. Youichi falls onto his back, sprawling out onto the grass and letting his limbs soak up the sunlight. The sun shines most brilliantly onto the fields of Seidou, he thinks to himself, letting out a content sigh. 

There is still a lingering ache in his chest where Kazuya once lay. But the unease Youichi used to carry when thinking about their future together has diminished. He looks forward to college. To seeing Kazuya flourish in the majors.

“Hey, Kazuya.”

“What?”

“You owe me fifteen dollars still.”

Kazuya laughs, the timbre bright and airy. Youichi feels his heart melt a little.

“Geez, Youichi. You really are a delinquent.”

*

Graduation day arrives with vigor, leaving nothing to be desired—the sun is out and the cherry blossoms are blooming. The ceremony passes by in a blink of they eye, and amidst his peers’ waterworks, Youichi is thankful that his eyes have stayed dry (he may or may not have been very close to crying during one of the speeches, though). As everyone poured out of the auditorium, the air began to practically vibrate with energy and noise. Left and right, families congratulated their kids with flashy bouquets, underclassmen greeted their senpais with loud voices and cheery eyes, and third years exchanged bittersweet departing words.

Before Youichi can even greet his family, he is nearly tackled down with a hug from Sawamura. Normally, he would push the boy off and call him gross or something, but it’s graduation day, so he lets it slide. Asada is trailing behind him, eyes watering. Youichi chuckles.

“Hold down the fort for me, Asada,” Youichi says. “I don’t trust Sawamura.”

Sawamura looks up, tears streaming down his cheeks.

“What does that mean?!”

“...Alright, get off, you’re ruining my clothes.”

Sawamura pulls away, sniffling, voice shaking as he dives into his goodbye speech. Once that’s done with, Youichi greets his family, and then the other baseball team members, along with the coaches and Rei. He’ll always deny it in the future, but he can’t stop the tears from flowing this time. 

There’s one person, though, that Youichi would like to see alone. His eyes scan the crowd, and he finally spots Kazuya, who has been pulled away from the group by Sawamura and Furuya. Youichi smiles, turning away to let the three have their moment, instead joining in on a conversation with Zono and Nabe.

Once the crowds have died down more, Youichi is finally able to talk to Kazuya in a quieter place, away from the bigger groups. Kazuya is holding a sizable pile of buttons in his hand, looking quite unsure of what to do with it. Youichi whistles, impressed with the collection.

“Look at you, Mr. Handsome.”

Kazuya smirks deviously. “You think Sawamura will notice if I stuff these all into his shoe locker?”

“Don’t do that,” Youichi snorts, rolling his eyes. “What if Furuya gets jealous.”

“Yeah right,” Kazuya begins to say, shoving the buttons into his pocket, until his attention is quickly drawn elsewhere. His eyes widen and he freezes. Youichi whirls around to see an older man with glasses—Kazuya’s father, he realizes. Youichi watches a shaky smile unfurl on Kazuya’s lips as he walks towards his father.

“Dad,” Kazuya says, voice bright, expression softening. “I thought you weren’t gonna make it.”

His dad nods before congratulating Kazuya and pulling into a hug that starts off a little awkward, before they both acclimate to it, clothes wrinkling under their tight grips. Youichi sees the slightest quiver in Kazuya’s shoulder. Before Youichi can turn around to allow the two the privacy they deserve, Kazuya pulls away from the hug, turning around and beckoning Youichi to come over.

Youichi pauses, stomach clenching with apprehension. He swallows, walking towards the two, his mind racing.

“Dad, this is Kuramochi Youichi,” Kazuya introduces him. He pauses and inhales. “...My boyfriend.”

Youichi stills, feeling his cheeks warm up. 

Wait.

What?

“Kazuya,” Youichi whispers, chest filling with an indescribable mix of confusion and happiness.

“Aren’t you gonna introduce yourself?” Kazuya smiles innocently, ears tinged pink. Motherfucker. Youichi straightens his back, turning to Kazuya’s father and posturing himself in a bow.

“I-It’s great to meet you sir,” he states.

“Right. Congratulations to you too Kuramochi. Thank you for taking care of my son.”

“Of course. Then…thank you very much for your blessing!” Youichi exclaims, face burning. They both can probably see how red he is, and Youichi can’t help but feel embarrassed. He mentally curses Kazuya out. They make light conversation. Youichi is a confused, sputtering mess. He breathes a heavy sigh of relief when Kazuya’s father excuses himself to greet and thank the team coaches.

It’s just the two of them, finally, and Youichi just stares stupidly at Kazuya for a second.

“Stare harder, will you?”

“Miyuki Kazuya, what the fuck?”

Youichi wipes a hand down his face, sighing in exasperation.

“You just—you can’t just—” Youichi stumbles over his words, stopping when he sees Kazuya’s face grow pink and then red.

“Youichi, I’m sorry—that was stupid of me. I shouldn’t have—”

“Shut up,” Youichi growls. He grabs onto Kazuya’s collar and pulls him into a kiss that leaves both of them breathless by the end. “That was stupid of you. But you’re fucking lucky that I still do want to be your boyfriend.”

“I never stopped wanting you,” Kazuya admits quietly. “And I had a feeling you felt the same.”

“Yeah,” Youichi agrees softly. He brings his hands up to cradle Kazuya’s face before planting another kiss on his lips, softly this time. “Don’t let me down, Kazuya.”

*

youichi: did you get rid of that stupid purple sweater yet

kazuya: Why would I do that, lol.

kazuya: Anyways, I'm staying over this weekend.

youichi: why are you acting like u own the place

kazuya: Boyfriend privileges. 😊

youichi: 🙄

kazuya: Gonna go to bed now. Good night, Youichi.

youichi: night, kazuya.

kazuya: 💚