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Sam was surprised that it had taken her so long to meet Lily Cosgrove.
And that it would be because they needed her to testify in the murder of a classmate's father.
Sam didn't know how long Cosgrove had worked in Homicide, as she had been promoted from ECAB at the beginning of November before last, but she had heard him talk about his daughter a lot.
Her mother's daughter, he had called her with pride in his eyes that made Sam feel homesick for her own father.
But much of what he had said about her was a far cry from the girl that Sam was seeing now.
Lily was flanked by both of her parents as she and Nolan led them into one of the courthouse conference rooms. Nolan motioned for the teenager to take a seat, and she hesitantly did so.
"You ever been in the courthouse before, Lily?" Nolan asked, obviously trying to ease the tension.
"Once, in seventh grade," Lily answered, not looking at him directly. "For a field trip."
Nolan and Sam took their seats in front of the Cosgroves.
"I get what you're trying to do," Lily said in a sudden tone.
Sam furrowed her brow a bit. "What are we trying to do?"
"You're trying to make me comfortable before you throw me to the wolves," Lily's voice suddenly sharpened, and Sam could suddenly notice the father-daughter resemblance.
"Lily Elizabeth," Cosgrove's wife-- Julia, Sam recalled-- warned.
"Lily, that's not what they're doing," Frank told her, before giving his own look of warning-- to Nolan.
Nolan straightened up in his seat. "Exactly. We're just going to ask you if Sophia ever told you that her father abused her, if there was any time that you were able to divulge that information to Aaron Cole, and how he reacted to what you told him. But... that's the easy part."
Lily scoffed, but it didn't strike Sam as the usual "bratty teen" scoff.
"What we're really here to do today is prepare you for cross-examination," Sam told her. "Whitmer's gonna try to twist your words and manipulate them for the defense's benefit-- maybe a theory that she throws out will try and--"
"Is she gonna try to make people think that it was my fault?" Lily asked.
Her face had suddenly fallen, her brown eyes beginning to widen and shine.
Nolan blanched. "Why would she say that?"
"Because I'm the one who told Aaron what happened," Lily said. "If I had just kept my mouth shut-- or-- or told a teacher or something, no one would've died or--"
Lily tried to continue her sentence, but any words only came out as stifled sobs or breaths. She began to tremble in her seat as her breathing not only labored, but began to increase in pitch.
"Lily? Honey?" Julia placed a hand on her daughter's shoulder. "Baby? Just try to breathe."
"Is she having a panic attack?" Nolan asked.
"Yeah-- she started getting 'em during lockdown," Frank told him before turning to his daughter. "Lily, we need you to take deep breaths, okay?"
"In and out, like we talked about, remember?" Julia asked. "In for four, hold for seven--"
"It doesn't work!" Lily rasped. "I tried and it doesn't work!"
Sam stood from her seat, and walked quickly to the other side of the table. She held up her hand, splaying all five fingers out.
"Here-- just trace your finger over my hand-- in as you go up, out as you go down," Sam instructed. "Can you do that?"
Lily nodded, beginning to use her pointer finger to trace over Sam's fingers. Her breathing began to steady itself as Sam reassured her.
"You're doing great, Lily," Sam told her. "Now, take one more deep breath..."
Lily inhaled and exhaled deeply.
"That's it." Sam said. "You did great."
"Thank you," Lily whispered.
"You're welcome."
"Are you sure you need her testimony?" Julia asked. "If there's any other way--"
"Julia, if there were any other way... we wouldn't have had to come to you," Sam told her. "I'm sorry, but..."
"No, we... we understand," Julia acquiesced, though she herself didn't sound so happy about it. "We'll be here tomorrow at noon."
"Thank you," Sam gave all three of them a reassuring smile.
As the Cosgroves stood to leave, Sam hastily ripped a bit of paper from her work notebook and scribbled something on it. "Wait!"
Frank, Julia, and Lily turned
She handed the scrap paper to Lily.
"What's this?" Lily asked.
"My cell number," Sam answered. "If you ever want to talk to me, just ring me up."
Lily only nodded and said a very quiet, "Thanks," before she walked out with her parents.
~oOoOo~
Sam couldn't help but think that Lily looked very small, sitting in the witness box. And she knew very well that she was probably feeling very small, too.
Nolan seemed to have adjusted his usual tone for questioning witnesses, she had also noticed. His voice was softer, as if he were trying to soften the blow of whatever questions that Whitmer would ask her when he was done.
"The teachers said that they wanted us to divulge our secrets to the group," Lily said. "Our feelings, hardships..."
"And, did the victim's daughter disclose allegations of abuse at her father's hand?" Nolan asked.
"Yes, they were really disturbing," Lily nodded quickly.
"And did you have occasion to convey to the defendant," Nolan indicated Aaron Cole, "Those allegations the day after the retreat?"
Lily nodded again. "Yeah. I told him what Sophia said."
"What did Aaron do after you told him of those allegations?" Nolan inquired.
"He was..." Sam thought that she could see Lily's lower lip trembling a bit. "Upset. He said Sophia's father was a monster. I... swear to God, I thought he was just... gonna make sure that Sophia was okay, not kill her father."
Though Nolan's face remained neutral, Sam could sense that he was trying to send a reassuring aura to her. "Thank you, Miss Cosgrove."
Nolan took his seat next to Sam as Whitmer strutted up in front of Lily with a sickening confidence.
"Miss Cosgrove, you're on scholarship at Cromwell, correct?" Whitmer asked.
Even if it wasn't visible, Sam could sense Lily tensing up as she nodded. "Yes."
"No chance you're lying here today to make yourself the center of attention?" Whitmer proposed the theory as she turned to the jury. "Maybe impress all those rich kids that look down on you?"
Sam shot a glare towards Whitmer's way as Nolan stood up.
"Objection-- argumentative and absurd."
"Sustained," Judge Dreben agreed.
And Sam could certainly see that the jury agreed, too, judging by some of the looks that they were giving Whitmer.
But even if that route had been closed, Whitmer was undeterred.
"Your father is a detective," she pointed out. "He was involved in this case. Correct?"
The look on Lily's face reminded Sam of someone in front of a firing squad.
"Yes," Lily answered quietly.
"Well, that's one more reason to lie," Whitmer faced the jury again.
"Your Honor--" Nolan stepped in on Lily's behalf once more.
"Sustained-- watch it, Ms. Whitmer," Dreben warned.
Whitmer gave the judge an icy look that was extended to Lily.
"I'm telling the truth!" Lily exclaimed. "I told Aaron what Sophia said at the retreat."
Whitmer walked further towards the witness stand, the sounds of each step she took on the marble floor echoing through the courtroom.
"You shared your own secrets at that retreat, too, didn't you?" she challenged.
"Yes, all students did," Lily answered.
Even though there wasn't a smile on Whitmer's face, Sam could sense that she was feeling victorious before she even threw the grenade.
"Did you tell your fellow students that you had suicidal thoughts?"
Lily began to tremble where she sat and her brown eyes began to shine with tears, but Nolan spared no time in standing up again.
"Objection. Relevance?"
"Goes to impeachment," Whitmer argued. "The witness' admission emotional instability at the retreat undermines her credibility."
"MY DAUGHTER IS NOT ON TRIAL HERE!"
Frank's voice bellowed through the courtroom, sending a chill down Sam's spine.
"Sit down, Detective," Dreben ordered. "Interrupt again and I'll hold you in contempt."
"Judge, may we approach?" Nolan requested to try to draw the attention away from Frank.
Dreben sighed, but motioned for Nolan and Whitmer to do so, regardless. Lily watched them from the corner of her eye, possibly trying to listen to what they were saying.
"Miss Cosgrove's personal disclosures at the retreat are irrelevant and should be stricken from the record," Nolan said.
"Her mental state informs her credibility," Whitmer argued.
Dreben thought for a moment before concluding, "I agree with Ms. Whitmer. It goes to impeachment."
Nolan crossed his arms over his chest, trying to keep himself from glaring at Dreben.
"Thank you, Your Honor," even Whitmer's thanks was drenched in smugness.
"But you've made your point," Dreben told her. "I'm not allowing a trial about Miss Cosgrove's emotional well-being."
"Understood; I have no more questions for this witness."
"Mr. Price, you can redirect, if you wish," Dreben offered.
Nolan nodded. "Thank you, Your Honor."
Sam noticed Nolan looking towards Frank before he addressed Lily again.
"Miss Cosgrove, your father is a detective, correct?" Nolan asked her.
"Yes," Lily replied.
"So, growing up, you have been exposed to the legal system. You know how critical it is to tell the truth in a court of law, right?"
"Yes."
"Are you currently any emotional instability that might impact your truthfulness here today?"
Lily shook her head, but before she could verbalize an answer, Whitmer stood up.
"Objection. If the witness is emotionally unstable, she is not competent to assess how that instability affects the truthfulness of her testimony."
"Overruled," Dreben said. "The witness can answer."
Whitmer sat down, looking defeated.
"No," Lily answered, insisting, "I'm fine. And I told the truth. I told the truth."
~oOoOo~
Two days later, the jury had found Aaron Cole guilty.
Despite the fact that Whitmer had tried to paint Lily Cosgrove as an invalid who didn't know the truth from a lie, then tried to blame Cromwell Academy, and then helplessly tried to beg for a plea deal.
But, even though Sam had been the one to push Nolan to try Cole as an adult... the victory felt so hollow.
There was no denying that Cole had problems, and, as she had figured that she had known everything that she needed to know about Jesse Erickson, she figured that she had known everything that she needed to know about this one.
But... she hadn't seen Brent Ralston in this one.
She saw herself.
The rage in which Aaron Cole had murdered Jerome Elliot was a rage that she had felt so many times. While she had never acted on it, she had fantasized about finding Brent Ralston, and beating him to a bloody pulp with a metal pipe.
And she would smile at the thought.
She remembered how frightened she had been at the idea of such thoughts bringing her joy, but her therapist assured her that it was normal and, as long as she didn't act on them, it was fine.
And that wasn't the only thing bothering her as she sat in her living room, trying to pay attention to her television and ignore the tightness in her chest. Even stroking Cleo or Bluebell's fur didn't seem to help.
What Whitmer had claimed Lily said at the retreat reminded her of... something else that happened after Christina was killed.
Sam was snapped out of her thoughts when she heard a knock at the door. She stood up and walked over, checking the peephole to see who it was.
"Lily?"
She quickly opened the door, seeing that the teenager's brown eyes were framed by red and her face was wet with tear tracks.
"Lily, what're you doing here-- how'd you know where I live?" Sam asked.
"My dad's a cop," Lily simply answered. "I used his work computer to run your cell phone number to find out what your address is."
"Why? You could've called me," Sam told her.
"I know, but I-- I just wanted to get out of the house," Lily said. "So I pretended to be asleep, then snuck out, and took the subway here."
"So your parents don't know you're here?" Sam asked.
Lily shook her head. "No."
Sam bit at her lip, trying to figure what to do. She ultimately sighed, but said, "Come in."
Lily walked in far enough that Sam could close the door.
"I still need to call your parents to let them know that you're okay," Sam told her. "You good with that?"
Lily nodded, taking a seat at the far end of the sectional as Sam picked up her cell phone. Though she didn't look, she listened as Sam talked to her father
"I... I don't think she's ready to come home right now," Sam said. "Don't worry, I'll call you when she tells me. I think she just needs some space. Cosgrove, please..."
A beat passed.
"Hi, Julia. Yeah, she's fine. I promise I'll call you and Frank when Lily tells me that she's ready to go home, and you can come pick her up. Okay. Bye."
Sam hung up, setting her phone back down on the coffee table, and looked at Lily.
"I got a frozen pizza in the freezer, I could heat it up for you," Sam suggested.
"I'm not really hungry," Lily told her.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes," Lily insisted.
Sam held her hands up in surrender. "Okay. Is there anything you wanna watch? I got Netflix, Peacock, Hulu, Paramount Plus, Disney Plus..."
"Could I watch Rugrats?" Lily asked. "It's on... Paramount Plus, I think."
"Sure," Sam replied, opening Paramount Plus. "I love Rugrats. You know, I was a nineties kid, so I watched every episode when it was new."
"Really?" Lily asked. "Did you see the movies in theaters?"
"Uh, the first two, I think," Sam tried think back. "I remember how excited I was when Chuckie got a mommy."
Lily laughed. "My cousins gave me their old Rugrats DVDs when I was younger, and then when I heard that they released the complete series on DVD, I asked for it for Christmas. I'd stream it, but we only have it in the budget for one streaming service."
Sam nodded in acknowledgement.
"I know, it's a little weird to be watching cartoons at my age--" Lily began.
"Lily, I'm pretty sure the demographic for putting this on streaming and in a complete series box set is around my age," Sam told her. "If it makes you happy, just watch it. Hell, I watch it."
Lily sighed. "Sometimes, I just-- I just need something that's easy to watch. So I can forget about everything."
Sam's stomach twisted a bit at the weariness in Lily's voice, remembering what Whitmer claimed Lily had said during the retreat.
"You're on scholarship at Cromwell-- that's not an easy thing to get," Sam remarked, trying to figure out a way to ease into the subject so she could gauge the honesty of what Whitmer had said.
"it was a virtual scholarship during quarantine," Lily tried to wave off. "And then when everything began to reopen, the school first said that it didn't apply to in-person classes, but a bunch of the other parents threatened to sue, so..."
"Still, you wouldn't have gotten the virtual scholarship if you hadn't worked hard," Sam pointed out.
"And going in person means I have pick up all of these extracurriculars," Lily said. "Model U.N., debate team, tutoring some kids in math..."
"Sounds like you have a lot on your plate."
"Oh, God, I do," Lily groaned. "But... at every family dinner, all every talks about is how proud they are that I'm going to one of the best schools in the state, so I just feel like I have to work even harder-- and I already have to face a bunch of spoiled brats at school who think I don't belong there."
Sam could understand exactly how she felt.
"And the only other person I could talk to about it is... she's gone now."
"What do you mean?" Sam asked.
"My Granny died a couple of years ago," Lily confessed. "She's-- she was my dad's mother, if you wanted to know. And it was during lockdown, so we couldn't even give her an actual funeral. She... I feel bad for saying this, 'cause I got Mom and Dad and my sisters, but I felt like she was the only person that I could really be myself around."
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
"And sometimes, I miss her so much that I feel like my chest is closing in on my lungs and heart, which also how I feel when I forget that I have a six-page report for English class but I can't work on it because I have a Model U.N. meeting in five minutes, or when Dad's late coming home from work and I'm worried that he's lying dead in an alleyway somewhere downtown, or I see something on the news that makes me frustrated and sad with how the world is, or sometimes all those thoughts get so messed up in my brain that I feel like I can't figure what's making me feel like that anyway and I just wanna pull my hair out."
Lily's breathing threatened to escalate, but she closed her eyes and took three more deep breaths. She looked back at Sam.
"But I never said I wanted to kill myself," Lily said. "I-- I swear. I said that I can-- I can understand why people get to feeling like they wouldn't have any other options."
Sam nodded. "I believe you."
"You do?"
"Lily, one of the things about being a prosecutor-- you get pretty good at figuring out if someone's lying to you," Sam said. "So, you say that you've thought about killing yourself or tried to commit suicide, I believe you."
She could feel the weight being lifted off of Lily's chest from hearing someone believe her. Their attention then turned to the television, and it was occupied for the next ten minutes before Lily spoke up again.
"Did you?"
Sam looked at her, at first thinking that Lily was asking if she really believed her. Then, as she replayed the two words in her mind and realized what Lily meant to say.
"Oh..."
"I'm sorry," Lily said instantly.
"No, no, it's alright," Sam told her. "Nothing wrong with... asking the hard questions."
She let out a small sigh.
"And... yes. I did."
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked--" Lily began to say.
"No, it's okay, Lily," Sam said. "I've never told anyone this, and... if you're curious about it, I'm fine with telling you the story. But if you don't want to hear it, or it gets too upsetting for you, I'll stop."
Lily fidgeted a bit with her hands and looked down at them as she tried to think about the right way to answer this offer. Her parents had always taught her not to pry into others' affairs unless she was sure that they were in danger, but she was still a curious sixteen-year-old girl. And Sam had told her that was okay for her ask.
"I'm-- what happened?" Lily asked.
Sam nodded, beginning to tell the story.
"My little sister was raped and killed by her boyfriend when she was seventeen. His family was rich, so he and his lawyer paid off the police there; they claimed they couldn't prove that it was him, so... he's off in the world now, free as a bird."
Lily's skin was already beginning to pale.
"I always felt so guilty about it, because I wasn't there to protect her-- I was in Macon for college. And I had tried my hardest to get her to break up with him, but he just had her brainwashed. For months, I was living on autopilot, using my body to only take myself to my classes and anything else that was necessary during the day, and then just lying in my dorm at night, doing nothing. Even if I tried to read a book, I couldn't focus on the words."
Sam exhaled as she forced herself to revisit those memories.
"I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep-- I felt like I was being weighed down, and then I started feeling like I was weighing everyone else down. I only wanted two things-- to stop feeling so miserable, and to see my sister again. So, in May, before the semester ended, I joined some classmates on a red-eye bus trip to Tybee Island-- a little tourist trap near Savannah. And I went walking, looking for the most isolated part of the beach."
Her eyes burned with tears, but she forced them back.
"I walked into the ocean and tried to drown myself," she continued. "But I couldn't bring myself to go under, so I just started floating around, waiting to get tired... still couldn't do it. And then, I realized that... if I went through with this, my parents would be burying another child. So, I swam back to shore, and when we got back from the trip, I made an appointment with the on-campus therapist."
Sam placed her hand on top of Lily's hand.
"And she referred me to a therapist back home in Atlanta to see over the summer. And I realized... that I wanted to live. I wanted it more than anything. Lily, whether you've had thoughts like I had in the past, or if you might have them in the future, that doesn't make you a broken bird. It means that you're human. And you shouldn't be scared to look for help... especially when you've got a great team behind you. Just like I have my mom and my dad and, now... Nolan."
Lily nodded. "I'm... I'm so sorry for what happened to your sister. They should've put that bastard in prison. I-- I know that it's useless--"
"It's still nice to hear," Sam tried to joke. "But the least that Nolan and I can do is work to make sure that other victims get the justice they deserve."
"Nolan really cares, doesn't he?" Lily asked.
Sam couldn't help but give a small smile. "Yeah, he does."
"How long have you two been together?"
"Well, I got promoted from ECAB in October 2021," Sam recounted. "So, I'd say almost two years now."
"Was it a 'love-at-first-sight' kinda thing?"
Sam's stomach swooped not just at the fact that she had grossly misunderstood Lily's question, but the suggestion of her and Nolan being romantically involved. "Wait-- no, no, Nolan and I aren't dating, Lily. We're-- we're colleagues. We work together--"
"Oh, I-- I didn't know, I'm sorry," Lily apologized.
"No, it was an honest misunderstanding," Sam tried to reassure her.
But, in a way, it wasn't.
Lily had hit the nail right on the head.
"But... you like him, don't you?' Lily asked.
"I... Lily, we work together," Sam didn't direct answer her question.
"A lot of people who work together end up dating," Lily pointed out. "Sometimes they even get married-- my Aunt Piper met her husband that way."
"It... it's a little more complicated when you work for the government," Sam tried to argue. "Besides, he's older than me, and I don't think he'd--"
"My dad's five years older than my mom," Lily told her. "I think-- I think if you like him, you need to stop with excuses and tell him--"
"Like I said, it's a lot more complicated than that," Sam said. "We've-- we've-- I got mad of him because something about his past came out during a trial, and... I was upset because I had trusted him enough to tell him about what had happened to my sister. And now, I feel like a hypocrite because... I never told him about when I... when I tried to kill myself."
Lily looked down at her hands before she looked back up at Sam. "Do you-- do you think it would make it better if you did?"
Sam sighed, leaning back against the arm of the sectional. "I don't know."
~oOoOo~
Nolan watched as Sam exited the elevator, rubbing her eyes.
"Rough night?" he asked when she caught up with him and they began walking towards his office. "I heard Cosgrove's daughter showed up at your place."
"Yeah, she... she needed to talk to someone, and she just..." Sam trailed off as she tried to think of the best way to explain it. "She needed to decompress, and she needed a shoulder to cry on."
Nolan sighed. "I... Maybe I could've figured out another way to convey Aaron Cole's state of mind--"
"No, Nolan, don't do that to yourself," Sam warned.
"Do what?" he asked.
"Send yourself down the rabbit hole of what-ifs," she answered. "You weren't the one who tried to paint Lily as some incompetent idiot, or a know-it-all seeking revenge on the rich kids. You yourself made sure that the jury knew that-- not only that she was being honest in her testimony-- but that she's an honest person."
Nolan held her gaze, searching her words and tone and face for any sign of insincerity. Satisfied that he didn't find any, he said, "Thank you."
Sam gave him a gentle smile, trying to focus as the two of them began to discuss a trial, but her mind began to wander to the previous night and what Lily had said.
"Nolan..." she interrupted him in the middle of a sentence.
"Yeah?" he asked.
"There's something I need to talk to you about."