Chapter Text
He ran through the narrow corridor, wooden floors creaking under his bare feet as he made his way to the kitchen. With one swift swivel of his hip, he narrowly avoided slamming into the door frame.
“Please, no running inside the house.”
His grandfather’s voice was distant. Yet, the commanding tone made him slow his tempo. “Yessir!” Felix yelled out, snickering at his grandfather’s disgruntled reply.
The smell of fresh strawberries and the crack of a perfectly ripe watermelon filled all of his senses as he slowly walked into the kitchen - not wanting to frighten his grandmother, who was busy removing the green stems from each strawberry. “Oh, Felix, just in time.” She raised a small hand in the air and beckoned him over. “Please help an old woman out by cutting the watermelon into smaller pieces.”
His eyes roamed the worn-out kitchen counter - worn because it was well-loved. Right in front of him laid a large watermelon, already cut into four different boat-like shapes. His own small hand found its way to the knife on the side. “Godzilla-like pieces or pieces suited for Iron-Man?” The old woman chuckled, her throat bobbing up and down as she shook her head. “Such a creative little boy. Cut them into the pieces you find suitable.” A smile spread itself over his features, and Felix cut into the watermelon. Expertly cutting the fruit into bite-sized pieces for them, but also making sure that his Godzilla action figure would also receive a suitable size. Of course, Felix knew very well that Godzilla didn’t really like watermelon, and so he’d sacrifice his own body to eat the piece instead.
“Ew, why are the pieces all so crooked and wonky?” His sister’s voice was a shrieking mess. Felix stared at her with the meanest gaze he could muster, one that he’d seen his father make several times. Mostly when he was angry at Felix - and so maybe that ugly feeling he got in his stomach when he made that gaze wasn’t so good after all. But. His sister. She deserved it. The little pig-tailed rat had knocked over his Lego tower earlier that day - an unforgivable act.
His grandfather cleared his throat, “now, now, let’s enjoy this little snack before the sun truly sets.” With those words, the table quietened, and Felix’s hard gaze found its way to the horizon in front of them.
It was beautiful. His grandparent’s old farm may not have been in the shape it was when they originally got it. But the way it blended so perfectly into the outback was beyond any comic book or fantasy book description he had ever read. It was not like Tony Stark’s super-fancy skyscraper nor anything like the elven features of Rivendell. No, their outback farm was nothing short of an oasis. A sanctuary he got to live in for summers on end, spending his day with his sister - which, sometimes, was fun, especially when she admitted that she also found superheroes cool. But it was all ending. The summer was over, and he had to go back to school. Well, he missed his friends - like, a lot. However, for some reason, he didn’t really want to go home.
Back home, everything was so stressful. He couldn’t really play like he did here. Whenever he got too loud, even inside his own bedroom, his mom would yell at him to quieten down. What she didn’t realize was that if he was supposed to properly reenact Godzilla’s rampage through Tokyo, he needed to be loud!
But… If he was quiet, then his dad wouldn’t storm into his room. Furious because he hadn’t listened to his mother. So… Maybe he should just stay a bit quiet.
If he could. He would have stayed right here with his grandparents forever. His finger twitched as he grabbed onto the Godzilla-like watermelon piece. It couldn’t hurt to ask, right? Felix opened his mouth to speak. However, what sound he tried to produce was immediately stopped by his sister’s shrill voice.
“When are Mom and Dad coming tomorrow? I want to go home.”
Felix didn’t. He wanted to stay.
Felix awoke with a gasp. His hand clutched his chest, almost as if he was trying to force his heart to stay in place. His sight blurred as he opened them up, only to be met by a dark room - slightly illuminated by the moon through the sheer curtains.
His heart still hammered in his chest, but his consciousness started to return, and, soon enough, he simply sighed before he let his head fall down to the pillow again. Next to him, Chan rustled in his sleep, muttering incoherent words under his breath. Felix unclenched his fist and brought it up to his damp forehead.
Dreams like that had become a regular occurrence in the last year. Ever since his case was taken to court, he had been forced to go through his entire life - forced to remember things his mind had decided were better to be forgotten. While tears did not stream down his face, he felt his chest tighten and threaten to let out a weak sob. Mindlessly, he fumbled with his other hand - trying to reach for Chan. As he finally managed to feel the bare skin from Chan’s upper back beneath his fingertips, Felix finally let out an audible sigh. He didn’t want to wake Chan, and so he settled for simply feeling the other man’s closeness - knowing full well that if Chan was awake, he would have crushed Felix in a warm hug.
He’d awake like this quite often. His heart hammering in his chest because of whatever his mind forced him to relieve during his sleep. Sometimes the memories were fine, but sometimes they were not fine - and Felix would spend the remainder of the night simply staring at the roof. This time. Well, this time, it had been a bittersweet one.
For some reason, he had always thought they only spent one, maybe two or three, summers at their grandparent’s place. However, with every dream, his own appearance changed so much. He’d get glimpses of when his sister was barely able to run one night, but then the next night she’d lay splayed on the couch chatting with whatever boy interested her at the time. Lately, it had become quite apparent that they’d spent a lot of time there. It had been a good realization. Knowing that they’d spent time with his grandparents reassured Felix that they hadn’t been truly robbed of a normal childhood. And if anything, the memories he had from that farm were some of the best he had.
Felix stared at the roof, tracing the small lines in the concrete mixture - he always did that; it seemed to ground him ever so slightly. His hand still remained on Chan’s back, feeling the way the other man inhaled and exhaled softly.
The worst dreams he had was at the end of his father’s life. The months before he left them had been absolutely horrendous. Their family had fallen apart from every possible seam - not that they were ever properly sowed together. At that time, his mother seemed to only nurse bottles with an alcoholic percentage above 40%, disregarding anything else. He remembered how he and his sister had tried to stick together, both of them knowing that if they, too, fell apart, then it would doom them.
However, even with their promises of always sticking together, they too had ripped themselves apart from each other - or rather, she’d ripped herself apart from him.
It wasn’t until his father was officially gone that the blame for his demise fully shifted to Felix. At first, right before he died, his father had started blaming him for the lack of food in the fridge, telling him that he ate too much and that he cost them too much money. It was at that time that Felix had started to ration everything. The others, well, they ate their waffles and pancakes in the mornings. However, he convinced himself that one piece of toast with proper Nutella was enough to last him until dinner. Because, yes, he also believed it was his fault. Why wouldn’t he have? They all blamed him.
After his father’s death, his mother completely abandoned both of them. However, where she simply ignored his sister, Felix himself, got an earful at least once per day. He’d listen to her scream at him relentlessly. It was all about his father’s disappearance and that it was nothing but his fault. It was all because he had been so preoccupied with his video games and cartoons. His lack of help around the house and with his father’s business had apparently caused his father so much stress that he’d seen no other way out.
Felix pitied his sister. He really did. She’d also suffered through their parent’s insolence and neglect. No child should be ignored by one’s mother. However… She’d hurt him too, and after their father’s death, she’d chosen a side. She’d chosen to believe them instead of him. Sure, they had influenced her - but even after all these years, she had yet to properly contact him. And so, Felix figured that her beliefs remained the same, and as long as they did - then he didn’t want anything to do with her.
That’s what made it even more difficult to see both his sister and mother in court. She was dressed up in all kinds of designer brands, flaunting her new boy toy on her wrist and flicking her hair in his direction whenever he’d tried to form eye contact. Throughout everything, she remained at his mother’s side.
Speaking of his mother, she’d grown old and weary - far too quickly for a woman her age. Dark circles roamed her entire face, and her teeth were yellowed after years of neglect - the bright eyes he’d sometimes seen shine bright throughout his childhood were now permanently shut off, replaced by nothing but a grey sheen of apathy.
She’d looked at him. However, Felix hadn’t been able to look at her enough to understand what went through her mind. He didn’t have the courage to stare at her, fearful of hearing her shrill voice screaming at him for being out of place.
It was all too much.
Felix heaved for air, the roof suddenly growing immense and scary instead of comforting. His fingers clawed at Chan’s back, needing to grasp harder at the man just so he knew he was, in fact, real and that the world still existed outside of his mental prison. Chan rustled next to him, disgruntled sounds escaping his lips as Felix’s fingers embedded themselves in his back.
“Chan…”
His voice threatened to falter. However, his throat managed to produce suitable sounds for his plea to be heard. Without hesitance, Chan slowly turned around, his back ripping away from the harsh grasp of Felix’s hand. His eyes were still closed, but Felix could see the worry embed itself on his boyfriend’s features. “Come here,” Chan mumbled, barely loud enough for Felix to hear. Warm hands grasped at his waist, ushering Felix to shift closer. Soon, their bodies were flush, and Felix’s face burrowed into Chan’s chest, smelling the familiar scent he’d grown to adore. Judging by the slow and steady pace of Chan’s breathing, Felix knew he was still asleep.
Didn’t it say a lot when an unconscious man managed to care more than what his parents had?
Felix sighed, his hands coming up to his own chest and his knees locking together. With his body nearly surrounded by warmth, he inhaled deeply - feeling the oxygen ushering a sense of calm throughout his body.
His mother and sister were present for quite a lot of the case. However, Felix was not necessarily forced to be around them much, so in a way, their presence was manageable.
It had been a year since Seungmin had started the whole process, and to say the least, it had been tough. But with the help and support of his friends, Felix had managed surprisingly well. Granted, nights like these were not far in between, and they certainly showed that his mental state was a battered mess of fragile glass. The only reason why he was kept upright was due to his friends and Chan’s never-ending support.
It was quite unbelievable how steady Chan had been in this whole thing. Though Chan had tried to explain to him that this was normal - people did everything they could to take care of one another. Felix wasn’t quite sure if everyone was like that. No, Chan must have simply been a different breed, and Felix was just lucky to have stumbled upon a rich, obnoxious guy in Fresh Cove nearly two years ago.
The case itself was convoluted. Most of the time, Felix found himself dissociating throughout the sessions - making him somewhat unaware of what was truly going on, especially when it came to all the details. However, what he did learn pretty early on was that it was through his father’s request that the debt was solely transferred to him and not his wife or daughter. Why? Well, apparently, his father thought he wouldn’t last, and so if Felix also disappeared - maybe the debt could as well.
It was, in essence, a hope for him to die.
Their distaste for him went so far as to ruin his life, hoping that he would end it as well.
But he wasn’t like his father. Even if he knew that the transfer of the debt was wrong and that it truly was not his fault, he’d still promised himself that he’d get through. There had, of course, been times where he wished for the darkness to fully encapsulate him. However, he’d always wake up the next morning - prepared to do whatever it took for him to repay that debt.
He was stronger than his father. He was stronger than any of them. They were nothing but cowards in his eyes, and if he had the opportunity, he would have repaid everything on his own .
His entire life, with the exceptions of the summers with his grandparents, had been led by himself only. For all of his life, he had been alone - and so, he’d show those fucking parents of his that he wasn’t such a useless kid.
But.
He might have been able to make it on his own, but at what cost? Well, the cost of his malnourished body, his traumatized mind and soul, and his inability to accept help from anyone may have become his downfall sooner than he would have imagined. Had it not been for the fact that he lost his job and found a new one so quickly, he would have probably not made it. Chan and Racha, as a whole, saved him. They truly did. Even when they didn’t know of his issues, they had still been there to care about him.
They’d treat him to food, jokes, and company. Jeongin’s welcoming face in the reception on the first day of his new job had truly been the starting point of something new. That fox-like grin was the first reassurance that he had made the right choice. Changbin had, because of his poor posture, realized that their workers - and Felix - were suffering with poor office chairs. In general, Chan, Changbin, and Jisung had all been so welcoming. In particular, Jisung and Changbin throughout his interview. Looking back at it, he couldn’t quite understand why they were so certain he was right for the job. However, Felix would never allow himself to complain about their gut feeling back then.
Minho had been a steadfast rock in his workdays at Racha. In particular, after the conversation in the park, Minho had stepped his game up, and now Felix’s Fridays at work were spent with Minho. They’d prioritize the development of team-building activities together and tried to figure out ways for Felix to step away from the work he truly loved - but often used as a defense mechanism.
Hyunjin and Seungmin. Potentially the two people, after Chan, he was the most thankful for. Those two proved to be an anchor he could cling onto when he felt like he was drifting away from everything. No matter what, they were there. All he needed to do was to grab Hyunjin’s hand or peer over his screen to look at Seungmin, and they knew that he needed some support. However, they were not only there for support. Their stable friendship was one of the reasons why Felix understood that people actually liked him just because he was him - because he was Felix. He didn’t need to hide anything when it came to those two. Unlike his sister, they found it funny when he told them he used to cut up watermelons into different pieces depending on which action figure sat next to him at the dinner table.
Then there was Chan. Nothing could describe what he felt when he thought about Chan. Even when he did want to name the feeling, it would immediately become too much. What he felt for Chan was so deep and convoluted that there was no way to even explain it. But it was ok. Because he knew that what he felt toward Chan was nothing but love that could reach the very bottom of the sea and the tallest cloud in the sky.
The two of them were so alike in so many ways. They both struggled with families that were distant and uncaring. Chan still had contact with his, but that was only because he was too nice to cut off any contact. They understood what the other had gone through with their respective families. Sure, it wasn’t the same situation - but the feelings associated with their families were the same. While they were alike in so many ways, they also differed in so many others - and that’s why they were good for each other.
Felix inhaled deeply, the intense heat from Chan’s body was probably too much, but he couldn’t find the energy to move away. Why would he want to move away from the very being who could make him feel like this?
Morpheus evaded him for most of the night, but at the very first sound of the birds awakening, Felix felt his own body drift away. Sleep enthralled him and graced him with the lack of another resurgence of repressed memories.
“Felix.”
The voice was distant, yet so close at the same time. The hairs on his body shot straight into the ear as his ear drummed with the buzz of his name said out loud.
“Felix.”
Opening his eyes revealed the same room he’d spent most of the night awake in. The sun shone brightly through the large windows. The curtains were already opened to let in as much light as possible. Blue skies and faint whispers of clouds filled his vision. Felix blinked a few times before he noticed the hand coursing through his newly cut hair.
“It’s time to get up,” Chan said, his voice low and mellow. Felix scrunched his nose and dug his face into the mattress. “What time is it?” He managed to mumble. Despite the muffled question, Chan seemed to hear him. “It’s nearly twelve.” Twelve. Seemed like Morpheus had granted him several hours of uninterrupted sleep.
With a grunt, Felix reopened his eyes and begrudgingly turned around. His eyes fell upon Chan’s face, not as puffy as it usually was in the morning - indicating that the man had been awake for a while. A soft smile spread itself over Chan’s features, morphing his expression into the sight of the most beautiful man Felix could ever imagine. With that sight filling his vision, he couldn’t help but try to mimic the expression. Chan released a warm chuckle, and he traced his fingers over Felix’s cheek.
“Changbin and I are still going for that hike. Are you sure you don’t want to come?” Felix shook his head. After the trial had started, Felix found that his energy levels were lower than normal. The entire ordeal was taking a toll on his body. Due to this, he often found himself forced to decline social activities that required too much energy. Even if he did want to go, it was better that he didn’t. Maybe when all of this was over, he could join them.
But ah. Who was he kidding? He hated hiking. Why would anyone subject themselves to a fast-paced walk up a gravelly mountain? Not him. He’d rather climb mountains in Skyrim - looking for cool dragons.
Chan pursed his lips and nodded before he leaned down and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. “Take pictures,” Felix managed to utter before that same soft kiss turned into an onslaught of kisses all over his face. Chan hummed in response, “I’ll try to take a lot of pictures when we are at the end, all sweaty and dirtied.” Felix wanted to roll his eyes and laugh at the response. But you know what? He didn’t do that. No, because if Chan offered steamy pictures for free, then he might as well accept them. “Sounds good,” he replied, earning him a fat slap on the forehead from Chan, who merely huffed out a laugh. “You’re coming with us tonight, right?” Chan asked, already walking to the door. “Of course I am.”
It was mid-July, and the first heatwave finally broke, leaving all of them itching to actually meet up. With the last two weeks spent huddled up against the air-conditioner - yes, he lived in a place with an air-conditioner now - it was finally cool enough to step out. Well, stepping out for them meant that Hyunjin and Jisung had begged them to go to a nightclub again. It was still summer, mid-summer, in fact, and so the club might be a bad idea. Somehow, though, they all agreed they’d rather sweat to death while dancing instead of withering away in front of the air-conditioner.
Felix lazed away on the couch the entire day. He didn’t really do anything. Sure, he scrolled through Instagram and Tik Tok, but it was simply a way for him to pass the time. In the long term, this way of living might not be ideal. However, with how much the court case tore away at him, it was needed. In a way, he charged his social batteries like this.
Meaningless scrolling through his phone and napping soon turned into him scrambling out of the couch, realizing that if he didn’t get ready quickly, they’d be late. Chan seemed to be on the same wavelength as he was, especially considering the frantic look he sent Felix’s way before he stormed into the shower.
They moved along each like they had done that their entire lives. As Chan stepped out of the shower, Felix stepped in. When Chan finished blow-drying his hair, Felix blow-dried his. Every time he gazed into the mirror, he’d catch Chan next to him stealing glances, a dopey smile lingering on his features. “What,” Felix mouthed, his voice not audible over the sound of the hairdryer. Chan chuckled and shrugged his shoulders before leaning in to plant a firm kiss on his cheek. They exchanged yet another look before Chan stepped out of the bathroom.
Finding clothes had been rather difficult lately. A year into his changed life had changed a lot more than just the materialistic aspect of it - his body had changed a ton. He was still slim and begrudgingly still petite in comparison to Chan, but his body had filled out slowly but surely. When he would rake his hands over his body, there would be spots where he could actually feel a substantial amount of skin and fat underneath, and it felt amazing. He felt amazing. Sure, his energy levels were low, but his body was so much more resistant to everything. Gone were the days where he would get lethargic from walking to and from work. Now his body carried him with poise. Well, that was taking it a bit far. Felix still treated it like trash, and his posture while working and gaming had not improved, even in the slightest.
With the appearance of a fuller body, meant that most of his clothes no longer fit the same way. All of his former clothes had quickly been thrown out, and Chan had - after a two-day-long fight - bought Felix what he considered to be an excessive amount of clothing. But Felix was happy about it. Chan meant well, and after a while, he had managed to utter a proper thank you. His wardrobe was simple, and Hyunjin had attentively remarked that it looked like Chan’s clothing - with one too many black t-shirts. For now, though, Felix didn’t mind. Soon enough, he’d be able to buy his clothes without worry.
Felix pulled out a top Hyunjin had gifted him for his birthday. It was a sheer long-sleeved top that hugged his body nicely. He paired it with some black slacks and one of Chan’s obnoxiously branded belts. Felix stared at himself in the mirror, taking in his own features. A year ago, he would have never been able to do this, and sometimes it was still a bit difficult. But this day. Well, this day, he couldn’t help but feel good about his appearance.
“Looking good.” Chan’s voice was a low rumble as he walked into the bathroom, already dressed as well. Felix snickered, letting his eyes travel up and down Chan’s physique. The man wore a surprisingly white shirt, unbuttoned to the point where Felix nearly considered covering him up, and a pair of tight-fitting jeans. Simple, but just the right amount of Chan. “Says you,” Felix whispered, stepping closer to the man, letting his hands travel the expanse of his arms and then his chest. Another low rumble filled the air as Chan closed the distance between the two.
Kissing Chan never got old, and Felix was sure he would love it until the very day they died of old age. Their lips moved with intent, knowing full well what the other liked. Felix immediately felt like he melted under the kiss. Judging by Chan’s own blissful expression as they parted, he probably felt the same. “I am this close to not going if you keep kissing me like that,” Chan whispered, his mouth now latching onto the side of Felix’s neck. It was a lot, yet, not enough. Felix sighed happily into the mess of kisses on his neck, also considering if it was truly worth it going to a way too warm club. “Jisung will flay you if we are late.” God, he hated that he managed to think rationally. Chan let out a disgruntled groan and ceased his attack on Felix’s neck. “That’s the thing, he’ll kill me but forgive you in an instant…”
One thing that hadn’t changed was Felix’s instance of walking everywhere. Still, even a year later, Chan would always try to make them order an Uber or even use public transportation. However, that was a waste of money in Felix’s mind, especially considering that it was only good for two data nerds to get up and walk a bit. He’d gotten more used to the idea of using a bike, but the last time they’d had a lot of alcohol, Chan had slipped on the curb and landed face first - earning him a spot in the ER. Therefore, bikes and alcohol were off-limits.
Maybe. Just maybe. He’d let Chan get his way and order an Uber for when they returned in the middle of the night.
They met up with the rest of their friends at a nearby bar, the one that Felix liked because their beer selection was cheap but really good. About one beer in, the last of them arrived - meaning Hyunjin finally finished getting ready, and Jisung had finally looked at the time and realized he had obligations with them.
“Everyone is finally here!” Chan remarked loudly, sending daggers into Jisung’s side, “let’s have a toast!” With one firm move, Chan lifted his beer into the air, spilling some of its content on its way. Felix smiled and mimicked the movement and, soon enough, the rest of them followed - even a slightly disgruntled Jisung. “To good friends and to the fact that we’ll all die of sweat inside that fucking club!” Laughter filled the air as Chan spoke. They all let out a happy yell in agreement. Beer spilled everywhere as their glasses met with such force that probably wasn’t necessary - but who could stop them? This kind of joy was not something Felix would ever complain about - so, if people complained about some spilled beer, then they needed to get the stick out of their ass.
One beer turned into several, and as they left the bar, they were buzzing with excitement. Jisung and Minho hung draped over Jeongin’s shoulder, whispering sweet words of encouragement to the younger Junior HR manager. Yes, no longer the intern they’d joked he’d stay as forever.
About three months back, Jeongin finally got his promotion. Originally he would have gotten much more responsibility, but with his wish to study further, the man ended up working half of the time at Racha and conducting research on the side. Granted, his official position was now Junior HR manager, but they all knew that the mastermind behind their three bosses was none other than a former intern.
Jeongin’s girlfriend had been quite the elusive act for most of the year. He’d stayed quiet about her, but after Jeju, they had indeed gone on several successful dates. Felix thought their slow pace was endearing, maybe because he and Chan had moved so fast - well, they had to when he was forced to move in with the man. In contrast, Jisung and Minho pestered the boy nearly every day. In fact, they pestered him so much that Jeongin had agreed to invite her and her friends to the same club that night.
“Our little baby, all grown up,” Felix could hear Jisung coo as they got closer to the club, a line already forming on the outside. Chan let go of his hand and moved up to Changbin, who also let his arm fall from Seungmin’s shoulder. This, this small thing, was one of the things that truly showed Felix how different their lives were. The fact that Changbin and Chan had the connections to just walk up to the bodyguard, exchange a few formalities, and then suddenly they were escorted through the entire line and up into the VIP section was truly something Felix didn’t think he’d ever be able to do - no matter how many zeros he owned.
However, it was a perk he wouldn’t audibly complain about, and so when he walked past the bodyguard, and he heard the firm, “welcome, Felix,” his heart hammered in his chest - excitement filling his entire body.
The base of the music thrummed through the vast space as they walked inside. All kinds of neon lights occupied every inch of his vision. At first, it was disorientating, but after a while, he adjusted, and the yearning for the dance floor became apparent. Felix hooked a finger on the back of Chan’s shirt as they ascended the staircase to the VIP section above. They’d been here a few times, but it had been several months ago by now.
Courage. Courage filled his heart. Felix looked at the group, feeling a sense of pride when he saw his friends. With the moving lights and the thrumming base, he couldn’t help but fall victim to the club’s allure. He needed all of it, and he wanted to show how excited he was. “First round’s on me!” He exclaimed wildly. The words ran off his tongue like oil splatter, feeling foreign in his mouth. But the feeling he got afterward was nothing short of a triumphant victory.
A collective gasp erupted from his friends as they stared at his determined frame - not yet seated on a chair, ready to go to the bar. “A-are you sure?” Yes, he was fucking sure. Surer than he had ever been. Felix ignored the stupid question and instead offered up a blinding smile.
Money was still an issue. His debt was officially still in his name, but his lawyers had said that it was soon to be removed. However, he hadn’t paid a single dime to any of those loan sharks in several months, and with his former apartment gone, Felix was left with what felt like heaps of money. Though, he’d decided to prioritize actually accumulating a proper savings account.
It wasn’t really an option for him to be in his mid-twenties without a single bill to his name. And so, for the last year, he’d transferred most of his salary to his savings account. It was difficult to restrain himself, especially when he had so much money that it felt like he could buy the entire world. But with Chan’s help, he grounded himself, and they’d set an active saving goal - one that he was soon about to reach.
So fuck it. He had been so fucking good for so many years. It was finally his time to get a round for everyone. Not only was it his first time ever doing so, but he could do it in one of Seoul’s most famous clubs in their VIP area. It would hurt, and he couldn’t promise himself that no tears were about to be shed. But it was worth it. So fucking worth it. He was worth enough to do it.
“Yes, of course!” Felix said loudly, his hands coming up to his hips. The rest of the group looked stunned, but as Felix scoffed even louder, they seemed to escape their stupor. “One Old Fashioned.” Chan was the first to break the silence. A beautiful sheen covered his eyes, and Felix felt such relief encapsulate his body when his boyfriend offered up a reassuring smile. “I’ll help you out though, is that ok?” Chan asked, already getting up from his seat. Felix nodded, unable to hide the sheepish smile slowly forming on his features.
One by one, the group presented their orders. With every cocktail or beer added to the list, Felix felt a bit overwhelmed. It was stupid, but this was about to be his biggest purchase since he last acquired his beloved, now stolen, keyboard. “I think that’s it. I’ll go and order now.” The statement was said so manner of factly that it even surprised him. Next to him, Chan chuckled and gently ushered him in the direction of the bar.
Felix peered over at the sides of the VIP section. The bar was still situated in the middle, and he knew for a fact that to the right-hand side was the toilet where he and Chan had their first awkward encounter after he started at Racha.
“God, you intrigued me so much back then,” Chan muttered, his eyes also on the door leading into the bathroom. “I hated you so much, but at the same time, I wanted nothing more than to shut you up by pressing you up that wall.” Memories of Chan’s appearance behind him, forearms clutching the bathroom sink and his eyes shrouded with a chaotic inner battle, filled his mind, “You were so jealous back then, thinking that I had a thing for the bartender.” A flush of rose spread over Chan’s cheeks, it probably should have been invisible in the dark-lit room, but Felix knew the man too well. “I was so stupid - too blinded by our push-and-pull relationship at the time,” Chan groaned into his hand, embarrassment clear as day.
Felix halted his steps. They were close to the bar but not close enough for Chan to escape his embarrassment. “I also thought you liked her. Based on your reaction, I thought you had a thing for Sekyung.” Chan let out a laugh, one that Felix usually was the only one privy to. “I think I did like her a few years back, but at that time, all my mind was filled with was the appearance of a grey-haired computer geek who seemed so eager to prove his place. Looking back at it, you were so far away from your normal life when you were with us. Keeping up that facade must have been so hard.” Felix pursed his lips. Their eyes were connected, and Chan reached his hand forward, grazing Felix’s forearm. “You have no idea how tough it was,” Felix started, reaching to grab Chan’s hand - intertwining their fingers. “But I also felt good. You guys were nice. Granted, you were a fucking menace. But… I also couldn’t get you out of my mind.”
The two of them looked down at their hands. Fingers swirled around each other, much like the dance they performed all those months back. Tugging and pulling at each other, but all the same, returning to where they belonged - interlinked and protected.
“That’s also the evening when you called me a parasite, wasn’t it!?”
Chan’s face turned beet-red, and his eyes flashed with panic. Before he could even utter a single proper syllable, Felix merely offered a loud laugh and tugged Chan’s body forward. He leaned up slightly and connected their lips. Chan relaxed into the touch and, soon, his hands found Felix’s lower back, pulling the two impossibly close.
“Let’s get those drinks, shall we?”
Buying drinks for so many people was an exhilarating feat, and Felix buzzed as he stood in front of the bar. Trying to remember what everyone ordered would have been an impossible task had it not been for Chan.
Unfortunately, Sekyung did not work this evening. If she had - Felix would have probably thanked her for her help in kickstarting their entire relationship. It was a bad start, but it was a start nonetheless.
Felix inhaled deeply as he placed his card over the bank terminal. Seeing the quite large sum and the contactless bars fill up made his heartbeat rise. His lower lip found its way between his teeth as he stared intently.
The relief that washed over his body when that small word ‘approved’ popped up on the small screen, sent unexplainable feelings through his body. Fear. Joy. Confusion. All of it came together in one strange concoction. However, what Felix did know was that he had done it. He’d made the purchase, and he knew that it was a lot - but it did not ruin his entire budget for the coming month.
He wanted to cry. He really did. But the constant lights and music switches made him realize that crying was for later. Now. Well, now, he’d dance the night away, fully succumbing to the feeling of just being in the moment.
The thrum of the deep base took over his body. His hands found their way into the air, grasping at every musical note exciting the speakers. It felt amazing. He felt amazing. Sweat dripped down his forehead as his hips swayed to the music. With every base drop and every well-known song they could sing along to, Felix felt happier and happier. His hands coursed over Hyunjin’s body, marveling at the human who seemed to know how to embody every musical note. His hands found Jeongin as a remix of their favorite song blasted through the speakers. And the widest smile he had allowed to roam his face arrived when Seungmin grabbed Changbin by the collar and connected their lips, a sight that was so rare it created shockwaves through their group.
They danced all night. So long, in fact, that every mention of buying more drinks completely fell away. It was as if all of their bodies were connected, knowing full well that this - this was it. The bond formed between them for nearly two years was tightening its grip - and they wouldn’t trade it for the world. It was nothing short of euphoria. Felix had never felt like this - so cared for, yet so free. Free from everything that had kept him from living his life to the fullest. Free from the feeling of impending doom every month. Free from the fear that his life would not go on.
Those same warm arms he woke up to every morning draped themselves around his waist. His back went flush against Chan’s, feeling the steady heartbeat thumping in the other man’s chest. Felix laid his head down on Chan’s chest, peering up at the man. Their eyes connected, and the music seemed to envelop them even more. Under the neon lights, Chan’s eyes flashed with such beauty it nearly made Felix wonder if this was all real. His eyes shone like the brightest galaxy, holding every star in his grasp - and Felix knew, he was one of them.
Chan’s smile widened as Felix turned around, his hands now on Chan’s shoulders. “What?” Felix mouthed. Chan shook his head, the same wide smile still adorning his features. In the rush of the beat, Chan’s voice rang through his head like the sweetest tone he had ever heard. “I can’t believe how lucky I am,” Chan said, leaning down to talk into his ear. “Me neither,” Felix managed to say back, hoping his voice carried even through the loud music. Chan’s hands dropped to his, fingers tracing over his own - feeling the way his knuckles made way for slender limbs. “We’re for life, yes?” Chan said again, this time moving away to catch Felix’s expression. Undoubting, Felix nodded his head, a fond smile taking over, “of course we are.” Even with the ever-changing lights, Felix could see the flush move up to Chan’s ears.
Their fingers kept dancing around each other, Chan making sure to soak up every crack and crevice. Chan leaned forward again, but not so far that their gazes were broken. “I’ll ask again properly,” nervousness filled the space between them, “but would you want to share your life with me forever?” Chan’s eyes were wide, expectant, and filled with a twinge of worry Felix wanted nothing more than to remove. And so he tried to. Breaking away from Chan’s grip on his fingers, he moved his hands up to Chan’s face. Cupping the other man’s cheeks gently. The music was never-ending and all-consuming. Yet, time seemed to still - making way for only the two of them. “I would want nothing more.”
Relief washed over Chan, who shook his head with an elated smile. Chan clutched onto Felix’s body, moving the two of them impossibly close. Felix’s heart swelled to an expanse he did not know was possible.
There on the dancefloor, surrounded by his friends, was Felix tightly interwoven with his bright future. Life wasn’t perfect, and for him - it might never be. But it sure felt like it.
Surrounded by everyone he loved.
It was all going to be alright.