Chapter Text
Entry 96
Hi, Jo
So, I woke up on June 17 again. I was hoping maybe the kiss broke the time loop but… no.
I guess, while magic and time travel are real, the magic of love is not powerful enough to break this spell. True Love’s Kiss is, apparently, only a thing in animated princess movies. Or, maybe Anne and I aren’t meant to be and it was just… a one-time thing… a one-night fling…
I asked her if she remembered, I described the whole thing to her in detail but she said she didn’t remember anything!! She said I probably just had a really weird dream! BUT IT WASN’T A DREAM!! IT WAS REAL!! I REMEMBER EVERYTHING I FELT LAST NIGHT!!
SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE ME!!
IT WASN’T A DREA-
Oh, I’m sorry, Jo! I accidentally got you wet with my tears. I didn’t mean to cry on ya, I’m sorry. I just… this situation is getting to be more than I can handle on my own. I’m so glad I have you, Jo.
I left school and I’m not gonna be going back in a while. I don’t know how to talk to Anne now. It’s so difficult to just look at her and know we shared that special moment and she doesn’t remember anything. Having that memory constantly in my head and knowing that she will never remember…
I’ll just ditch school for a few days while I get my head right and do research.
I have to look up some things on queer identities and coming out and stuff… tho, if I’m stuck in the loop, maybe coming out would be pointless? or maybe I can use the loop as an opportunity to come out without consequences cause I’ll just wake up the next day and everyone will forget! I’ll get to know how they react and then go back if I don’t like their reaction!
That’s right, Mar Mar, find the silver linings… think positive…
Like my Anne always says…
Maybe I should also do some research on how to break out of the time loop.
I can’t believe I’m saying this but… I’m getting tired of all this.
Cautiously optimistic,
Marcy.
Entry 120
Hello, Jo!
So, after A LOT of research and soul searching, I think I’m gonna start using the label Pansexual. It’s still new. I might change it later but… right now, it feels nice…
I’m Pansexual.
Wow, I really just wrote that. Wow.
Thank you, Jo, that felt good. You’re an awesome journal, you’re so supportive.
I still haven’t told my parents but I might tell the girls later. I’m sure they’ll be cool with it! Sashy watches those drag queen shows, after all.
Now, on the topic of time loops…
I’ve been looking up movies and shows and books with time loop plots in them. They’re actually all really good and entertaining, well most of them… there’s this really old movie called Groundhog Day, it stars the guy from Ghostbusters!
In the movie, he gets stuck in a time loop reliving the same day over and over, just like me! And he starts going… a little insane… but he also learns how to be a nicer, better person! He learns how to be kind and help people and he falls in love with this lady who, if you ask me, is a little too young for him.
And, in the end, he breaks the time loop and wakes up the next morning because he learned his lesson. He had to learn to appreciate every day and be nicer to others!
So I guess that’s something I need to do, too! I need to learn a lesson and have an epiphany! That’s the only way for this awful game to end!
The music box is trying to teach me a lesson, I’m sure of it. I just need to figure out what it is…
Thankfully, I have nothing but time, haha!
I don’t think the coming out bit was part of the lesson I had to learn… right? Nah, that can’t be it.
Wouldn’t hurt to try, tho.
I have to try everything!
I’ve already tried going back to the pawn shop, getting the music box and opening it over and over and over again. But that did not work.
I thought, maybe, my mistake was getting Anne to steal the box instead of buying it legally so I spent all of my allowance buying the box and then I tried opening it again… didn’t work either.
I went back to Doctor P. 's book but it didn’t have any answers either sooooo…
Moral epiphany it is.
I need to learn something about myself.
And, hopefully, break out.
Hoping desperately for the best,
Marcy.
Entry 133
Soooo, guess what, Jo?
I came out to the girls today! And they were both so pumped for me!
Weirdly, neither of them were surprised, tho. I guess they were already guessing things about myself that I hadn’t really realized yet… they know me so well, it’s scary sometimes.
Guess what else? Right after I came out as Pan, Sasha smiled and told us she was Bi! So I’m not alone in this!
We spent the whole day talking about our experiences and our old crushes (turns out, a lot of things I didn’t know were crush things are actually romantic… weird… I always thought I just really admired this one person or really wanted to be like them or envied them or… well, I guess you can be both envious and attracted to someone at the same time… this is so insane)
Anne had to go home because her parents texted her about the birthday party so Sashy and I were left alone. We went back to her house and we put on some movies and we kept talking and talking about a bunch of different stuff and then…
She told me she had a crush on me.
And that she had decided not to say anything because she was afraid of changing the dynamic of our friend trio but, now that we were both out of the closet, she didn’t want to hide it anymore.
I was a little shell shocked so I didn’t really respond with anything… and then she kissed me and that really left me with absolutely 0 words.
It was kinda similar to kissing Anne but it was also different. Now that I had a previous experience with kissing, I was a little less awkward and clumsy. I guess kissing is like riding a bike, you get better the more you practice!
But, like riding a bike, you can also fall and get hurt or crash and get someone else hurt or crash and get both yourself AND the other person hurt…
Sashy tasted like strawberries because she was wearing strawberry lip gloss. She smelled like that expensive perfume her dad got her for her birthday last year. When we pulled away, I looked at myself in her bedroom mirror and I noticed I got some of the lip gloss on my own lips… it looked nice.
I know she probably won’t remember any of this tomorrow. So I guess I’ll just treasure the moment and remember for both of us.
Oh, please remember this tomorrow, Sashy.
Please, I wanna wake up tomorrow.
Completely helpless,
Marcy.
Entry 156
Hello, Jo
I tried telling my parents about the time loop. They looked at me like I was insane. And maybe I am.
Why did I think telling them would be a good idea?! They’ve never listened to me! In all the 13 years of my life, they’ve never understood me, why would that change now?
I told them everything. I told them about the music box and the time loop but they didn’t believe me. I showed them the book and pictures of the box but they just thought it was a pretty antique.
They didn’t even believe me when I told them I already knew about dad’s job and their plans to move away. They just thought I found out by seeing something on their computer and that me lying about the time loop was my way of acting out for attention to convince them to stay or something.
Then I showed them some of my old entries in you, Jo, and they… they got worried.
They’re making an appointment with a psychologist as I write this.
I’ve never been to therapy before but I guess it can’t be that bad.
Maybe it would be good to talk about this whole thing with someone, even if it’s just for a single session.
I just wish my parents could’ve believed me.
But then again, what good would that have done? I can’t get myself out of this, there’s no way they could’ve helped me. They don’t have any magical or technological expertise, they’re just… adults.
Even if they believed me, they wouldn’t have been able to help me. No one can help me.
I guess I’ll talk to the shrink a little this afternoon, try and get my head right.
There has to be a solution! There has to be! There has to be some way out of this! I can’t just stay here until I die!!
What if I never die?
Entry 157
Hey, Jo
So the therapy session was okay, I guess.
She also didn’t believe me when I told her about the loop.
But she talked a lot about how accepting change can be difficult and how people have different methods of coping with change.
She said me moving to a different state and leaving my friends behind must be a very difficult change for me and that maybe my fear of change is manifesting in this weird way by making me dream about reliving the same day with my friends forever.
Now, to be clear, I KNOW this is not a dream because I can feel things here that I don’t feel in dreams.
But maybe she’s not… entirely wrong…
She said change is a natural part of life and that I’m going to go through a lot of different changes as I get older and I should try and find a healthier way to deal with the changes.
And… I don’t know…
I mean, change is scary. It’s strange, it’s terrifying. It grabs you strong by the shoulders and takes you out of your comfort zone and beats you up and takes your lunch money and makes you cry.
I hate change.
I’ve always hated change.
I hate it because it scares me and it makes me uncomfortable and freaks me out and I don’t know how to deal with it.
But
These last 157 endless, identical days have shown me that doing the same thing all the time is bad, too.
It’s boring and repetitive. I’m already so tired of waking up on the same day and eating the same breakfast and having the same subjects and the same conversations.
Over and over and over and over and over and over.
I’ve grown tired of reliving the same day constantly. I’m tired of having the same conversations and eating the same food and the same classes and seeing the same faces. Change is terrifying but remaining the same forever is… not fun.
It’s exhausting. Life isn’t as fun anymore.
So maybe, change is bad but it’s preferable to remaining the same because at least, it keeps things interesting.
Pensive and pondering,
Marcy.
Entry 160
Hi, Jo
How are you? I hope you’re okay.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About life and change.
I think I finally understand what the music box was trying to teach me.
I shouldn’t have tried to run away from home or get trapped into a different world with my girls. If my plan had worked, I would’ve separated my friends from their families and their lives and hijacked everything for my sake, it would’ve been selfish. Putting a stop to my friends’s lives just to keep them by my side because I can’t live without them… that’s wrong and selfish and childish…
Now I’m trapped in this loop. We’re all trapped in this loop. If we continue to be trapped here, we will never go to prom or take out SATs or graduate or do anything we want to do. Sasha won’t get to cheer at another game, Anne will be forever stuck on her 13th birthday and it’ll be all my fault.
That’s not fair. They shouldn’t suffer just because I was being a stupid kid. I was scared and acted irrational but now I know better. Trapping the 3 of us in a different world would’ve made me happy and it would’ve been good for me but it would’ve been terrible for the girls.
And, if I really love them, I should think about what’s best for them. Not just for me.
Maybe Connecticut wouldn’t have been so bad. Maybe the school would’ve been okay. Maybe I could’ve met new people, made new friends! Maybe someone who was into DND and fantasy stories, like me! Perhaps Connecticut could’ve been an opportunity for something new, something good.
But now I’m trapped here and I’ll never know.
I was so terrified that I was going to lose my girls. We’ve been friends since kindergarten and they’ve always been my rock, my home, my heroes… I think, maybe, I’m a little bit in love with both of them, as crazy as it sounds… they’re both so beautiful in very different ways.
Sasha’s strong, athletic form and cerulean eyes… with a brave heart and endless determination.
Anne’s wild, beautiful hair and bright smile… with an amazing sense of humor and unrelenting optimism, whenever I need her.
They both make me so happy.
But I understand I don’t need to always be around them to continue being their friend or… whatever it is we could’ve been.
Our friendship has stood strong for 8 years. It has stood the test of time and I truly believe that it could also survive the distance.
I’d text them and video call them all the time and send gifts in the mail and try to visit in person as much as possible…
If only I could get out of the loop.
I’m so so sorry, my loves.
I’m sorry I got you trapped in this awful, timeless game. I shouldn’t have convinced Anne to steal the music box, I should’ve just told them I was leaving and enjoyed our remaining time together. Like a normal, mature person.
I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from sending that text. Stop myself from convincing poor, sweet Anne to steal something for me. Sasha and I are always convincing her to do bad things and getting her into trouble and she doesn’t deserve that.
I wish I could break us out of this loop. So we could be free and go on with our lives.
I’m sorry, mom and dad.
I shouldn’t have yelled at you or ran away. You guys aren’t ruining my life. What a melodramatic thing to say… but then again, I’m 13, of course I’m melodramatic.
You are just trying to do what’s best for the family and I should’ve seen that. I’m so immature.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m so, so, so, so, sorry.
Tuesday, June 18, 2019
Entry 161
OH, JO!! IT’S A MIRACLE!!
I WOKE UP THE NEXT MORNING AND IT WAS ACTUALLY THE NEXT MORNING!!
IT’S FINALLY TOMORROW!! TIME IS MOVING FORWARD AGAIN!!
I checked the clock on my phone, then the clock on the computer, then I asked my parents what day it was, then I asked my professors and then I asked the girls and then I asked a stranger on the street!!
TODAY IS TUESDAY JUNE 18!!!
IT’S FINALLY TOMORROW!!!
I had different classes today! A different breakfast! Different conversations!
I asked the girls and they both remembered everything we did last time. Anne hung out with us for a few hours and I told them I was leaving. We hugged and we cried and promised to text and call each other every day. And then her parents texted her and she went to her birthday party, leaving me and Sasha alone.
This time, we didn’t kiss but I thought about it the entire time.
I’ll have time to think about my love life and my friendships later, for now, I’m just so happy to be free.
Free from the loop, free to move forward in time and live my life and grow old and do all the stuff I want to do. New stuff, different stuff. Not the same stuff every day.
It feels so good to be free, I still can’t believe it. In the end, all it took was learning from my mistakes. I wish I could’ve thought of that earlier.
In a few days, summer vacation will start and, in a few weeks, I’m moving to Connecticut and moving forward.
For the first time in my life, I’m excited for the future. For the first time in my life, I’m excited for things to change.
Finally.
Thank you for accompanying me on this journey, Jo. You’re the one who kept me sane. You’re an amazing journal and friend. I love you and I’ll keep writing inside you every day until I run out of pages.
Thank you so much, Jo.
See you later.
Looking forward to whatever comes next,
Marcy.