Chapter Text
He dipped the brush in the glob of yellow and continued to paint. He had been at it for hours. This was the third painting of the day, and at this point, his mind had zoned out. His body just continued on autopilot.
The quiet was nice. It won't last. But it was nice. He tried to ignore all the different colors bubbling under the surface trying to come up and take hold of him once more.
He just wanted to enjoy the moment of calm for as long as it lasted, having been way too frenzied even for his own liking. But today was a day off. Error was hanging out with Blue and Lust, finally able to catch up on Undernovela after the crazy months they had just had.
A soft smile came over his face as a bit of pink flooded his system. He was sure he was gonna hear all about it later.
There was a buzzing sound, and he looked down at his phone. He had forgotten it was here. He had been listening to some podcast of sorts, but he didn’t know when that had stopped. He checked the screen. It read ‘Dream calling’. A burst of yellow and blue came to the surface, and with some fumbling, he accepted the call and put him on speaker, so he could continue his work.
“Heya Dream, it’s been a while.”
“Ink…you saw me two days ago,” Dream said with a sigh.
He blinked surprised staring at the screen for a second when a memory came to him. Of himself, Blue, and Dream helping out in Outertale. Something about people being stuck on asteroids.
“Ah, you are right, my bad.”
“So…uh…how have things been with you and Error?” Dream asked awkwardly.
The blue took over the yellow, and everything around him seemed to dim in color.
“No updates…still the same, just like last month…and the month before that…and the month before that…”
He was trying to sound neutral. Which he normally did without a problem. But now…it felt like there was a hint of bitterness in his own tone.
Error’s death had really set things back for them. They didn’t have an incident quite like the one on the first day he returned. But even standing close to his boyfriend made the glitches spring up.
“I am…sorry to hear that…”
He gave an answering hum. It might be the slight static coming through the phone, but he wasn’t sure if Dream fully meant what he said.
Dream and Error never really got on. He knew his Glitchy could care less about Dream.
But Error cared enough for him to not be a total asshole about it. He just grumble a bit, and it wasn’t like he would force Error to change.
They didn’t like each other. It wasn’t a big deal, Both of them could set aside their anger if it really came down to it.
Well, he hoped so anyway.
His own relationship with his former best friend was…Strained to say the least.
Noticing a mistake in his work, he frowned and went to fix it.
“How is the truce with Nightmare going?” he asked the golden twin.
“I am surprised you remembered”
He gave a shrug the other couldn’t see over the phone.
“But things are going…”
There was a pause in which he heard some rustling like Dream was changing positions.
“Good, I suppose.”
He gave another hum.
“Just not as fast as you hoped?”
“I Guess…, I think…I thought I’d be able to talk more about…you know everything that happened but we mostly just…I dunno”
“Talk business?” he offered.
Dream laughed softly.
“Hit the nail on the head with that one. Dunno what I expected…more I suppose.”
He could almost see the positive guardian shrug.
“Don’t worry, you got all the time in the world to sort things out…I mean, if you could forgive me enough to start talking to me again…well I have no doubts You and your brother can manage as well”
He could feel yellow flow through him, trying to put as much care and sympathy in his voice as possible, probably overshooting it by a bit. The long pause that followed made him worry he had said something wrong.
“I guess so…”
And try as he might he wasn't able to tell what Dreams' tone meant. So before another long pause would come he decided to quickly change subjects.
“So how's your break? Gone anywhere fun?“
He asked vaguely remembering Blue having mentioned going somewhere with Dream. As he cleaned his brush and now dipped it in a vibrant red.
“...feeling less like punishment...” Dream stated hesitantly “ I am sure you heard from Blue?”
“That he caught you trying to increase the Au’s positivity, when you were off duty. Yes, I did. I think he mentioned it along with lecturing me for the same thing?” He said with a laugh
“Are…you really that stressed..?”
Blinking at the question. Feeling his eyes' shapes change several times, pulling away from the canvas.
“Guess so?...dunno…?”
He felt blue and purple start to mix but it wasn’t making him sad…more anxious. But for what he wasn’t sure.
“Just don’t push yourself too hard okay, We don’t want what happened to Error to happen to you.”
He took in a quick gasp and quickly shook his head. Trying to get rid of the unwanted image that popped into his head. Quickly grabbing some more paint, some of it dripping of the brush and onto his toes as he brought it back to the canvas.
“Awww! You do still care about me after all.”
His voice sounded wrong, too much-forced cheer. When he wasn’t feeling any of it, in the way the yellow was coming through, over the much stronger purple he tried to swallow down
“I never stopped idiot. ''
Dream snapped back loudly, and he fell silent. Feeling various shades of blue. Dream had sounded hurt. He had just meant it as a fun tease
“Sorry..”
He mumbled automatically and he heard Dream let out a heavy sigh.
“It’s…it’s fine…I know you didn’t…”
There was another long pause.
“I shouldn’t have shouted” Dream finished eventually.
A guilty feeling welled up inside of him. Having an inkling that what he just heard, was something that was in some way concerning even if he couldn't pinpoint why. Feeling slightly frustrated at his memory failing him.
“You…are allowed to be Upset at me..”
He said tentatively. He knows he isn’t the easiest to deal with. And Dream has forgiven a lot from him. Small and big things. They wouldn’t have been together for as long as they had if Dream hadn’t. It had come with its own pitfalls. And he can see the mistakes and unhealthy balance that was their past relationship. He was sure Dream saw them too.
It was painful in a way. Knowing you had unintentionally hurt someone you cared quite deeply for. He would never say that he regretted his past relationship with Dream But now, he can say with much more clarity that he rather just be friends.
That is why he wants to fix it. Try and talk like the immortal adults they are. It was hard on both of them. Dream had a particularly nasty few months behind him. Where he was lashing out more and more. Dream had been forced into a mold. One that he had sometimes helped build, and he was glad to see his former Lover freer. Even with the nasty side effects. Dream was allowed to be angry at him.
Reconnecting with Nightmare was also a good sign. The two of them having these regular phone calls helped too. It might be a long while until they could hang out like old friends again. But they got time, and he was looking forward to that day.
Dream sighed deeply.
“You…are right…..But I didn’t need to lash out..” The other mumbled.
He gave the phone a smile.
“You’re forgiven.“
Dream let out a small laugh, then the sound of another voice sounded distantly over the phone.
“Mnn? With Who?...yeah that is okay, be sure to let me know when you come back”
Dream said to whoever was on the other end. And he felt excitement grow inside of him. There were only a few people that hung around Dreams house.
He picked up the phone and in his rush dropped his small paintbrush to the floor.
“Is that Pallete?! Can you say Hi for me?! “
Dream made a sound like a wince,
Oops he didn’t mean to shout, but then he heard something from the background then Dream going
“Yes it is, he says hi” There was a small pause. “Oh yeah sure…Ink, Pallete wants to talk with you”
More yellow rushed through him making him rock in place.
He was always happy to chat with any of his kids. He knew he wasn’t the best dad. Some might say even one of the worst. But he tries, he honestly does. He knows that with some of them, he might never get a good relationship going.
But Pallete wasn’t one of them, A proper father-son dynamic, he might not get. But Pallete at least didn’t hate him. And he would do his utmost best, to be there for him should he ever need it.
“Dad..?”
The smile on his face grew at hearing the familiar voice.
“Hey, Pal! How are you doing?”
“Good! Um, little question? Think we can move our meeting up a week? I really need to help a friend out.”
The yellow got taken over by blue, and he felt the excitement fade from his voice, no matter how hard he tried to control it. But he swallowed down the sadness and tried to not sound disappointed.
“Oh..of course!, let me just…write down the new date…I don’t wanna forget…So not coming Wednesday….but the one after that, according to OG timeline rules?”
“Mnn Yes, Sorry that I had to change it on such short notice, I just really don’t wanna abandon my friend.”
He smiled Pallete was a good kid. Most likely Dreams influence. As he quickly changed the date on his scarf with his finger.
“Of course not, your old man can wait okay? It will give me more time to set things up”
“Thanks, Dad!, gotta run now. Sorry and bye”
“It is okay, Take care and see you soon”
There was some more rustling, as the phone was handed back hearing Dream say to Pallete
“Have fun at Goths!”
Which made him smile. He had a feeling about who his son was helping out. Maybe Error might know something and could fill him in. Then there was another pause in their conversation.
“Are you okay, Ink?”
He shook his head.
“Yeah…yeah I am fine…was just…looking forward to spending time with him, that’s all”
Dream let out a sympathetic hum.
“Did you write down the new date?”
He could hear the doubt in Dream's voice. And he had to tempt down the small flash of hot anger that wanted to boil up. He wasn’t that much of an idiot.
“Of course, don’t want to forget”
“Please don’t “
His grip on his phone tightened. And he decided to keep his mouth shut.
“Ah sorryIink, I gotta go as well…It was…enjoyable…to talk with you again”
He noticed how the other avoided the word fun. But he would take it.
“I am glad we talked as well Dream. Same time next month?”
“Works for me, hear from you then, if nothing else comes up”
He chuckled at Dream.
“With our job, not gonna happen. But let’s hope the multiverse gives us both a small break”
Dream chuckled as well
“We certainly earned it... Bye Ink”
“Bye Dream”
And then he heard a click and lowered his phone staring pensively at the call-ended screen till it went dark.
He was feeling as conflicted as he always did after his phone call with Dream. A mixture of yellows and purples. Happy he was able to talk with his friend again. Glad it seemed to have gone smoothly.
But also worried. Did he say the wrong thing somewhere? Did he come off as sincere? He sometimes forgot how scared he was of losing his friendship with one of his oldest friends.
He nearly did once, he didn't want it to slip out of his fingers again.
He let out a deep sigh and put his phone aside. Trying to focus on the happy feelings. This was something good, one of the few things that were going well in his life lately. Or it at least felt that way.
He picked up his brush, but he froze when he gazed upon his painting. For the first time, he seemed to actually see what he had been drawing. Having snapped out of his routine. What he had drawn. Was a picture of his own hand holding Error’s.
And his nonexistent soul sank into his stomach. Feelings becoming cloudy.
How many times did that make this? He glanced around the room, seeing other canvases of similar pictures he had been drawing over the last few months.
He had tried to do something different. It felt like he hadn’t even been thinking of Error at all!
But still. There it was in front of him. One of the many things that he and Error still couldn’t do. Error’s death had really fucked him up. It was like his whole body had been reset. But slowly, he was gaining back what he was lost. Able to give fist bumps to Killer. High fives with Blue and Lust. Everyone…except him.
Error tried, but it always seemed to burn. The pain only seemed to increase with every single try. It had gotten so bad. He had to nearly beg Error to stop trying. Not liking the way it kept hurting him. It took a while to convince him. But he did listen…that was a month ago.
.
It hurt. They had gone years without touching. They still used a lot of techniques they learned from that time. But none of that compared to the real feeling of Error’s fingers between his own. His solid weight as they hugged.
The electrifying way it felt as they kissed.
He missed it…….
He missed it so fucking much. He thought he could live without touching Error again.
But…
Were these paintings, not proof of that NOT being the case?! Everywhere he looked in this room, there seemed to be a picture of them.
Holding hands, cuddling, kissing. Or touching in some kind of way.
What if they never could again? Would….would he get bored?! Would he stop caring for Error? He couldn’t do that. That be horrible. Error meant the world to him. Error let him feel all of this. Let him figure himself out, not force him to be something he is not.
Somehow accepted his soulless state. Didn’t freak out, when he decided to go blank on some days when all the emotions became too much. But yet forcing him to drink if it seems he was depriving himself too much in the other direction.
Error loved him, and it was terrifying.
And how was he repaying that love? By longing for something the other couldn’t give. They were fine. They should be fine. He thought as red anger seemed to consume him.
He loves Error. He didn’t need the other's touch, it was just a few months with no contact. That didn’t compare to the years beforehand. Even for most of their relationship. Touching had just been a recent thing.
It wasn’t fair that it had been taken away from them. The red-hot anger spread, chasing away all other feelings. The picture in front of him came back into focus.
He grabbed Broomie and slashed at the painting, covering it in a dark ink stain.
There.
That is what he deserved. He shouldn’t have these urges. There was nothing in his chest to conquer them. Yet he selflessly made them. What would Error think if he saw them?
He had to destroy them! He didn’t deserve to stare longingly at them!? Error was going through enough without him taking care of his emotionally stunted boyfriend. And he summons more ink to destroy another painting.
The red-hot anger started changing. Darkening into a sludgy black pool of self-hatred, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Destroying more works in his anger and grief, letting a large pool of ink spill over his studio floor, as he knocked over cans of paint and canvases. All the while sobbing and screaming in angry frustration.
Screaming, at the monster that killed Error, at the multiverse in general, but most of all himself, for not keeping his promises.
Of not being enough for his lover.
Eventually, most canvases had either been painted over with black streaks. Lying face down in the ink puddle beneath his feet. Or he had just broken the canvas clean in two.
All that was left was the biggest of them all. A large frame of both him and Error sitting on a swing near a tree. A work combining their first date, and first time holding hands into a single beautiful scene.
It had been a work he was proud of. He had shown it to Error. He even surprisingly suggested he should hang it somewhere in his house. But he hadn’t found the perfect place for it yet.
He looked up at it, a drop of yellow coming in an ocean of black. He raised Broomie above his head, ready to finish it off. When his momentum was suddenly stopped.
He looked up to see Broomie stuck in a multitude of blue strings. With ice-cold fear, he turned around to see Error standing in the door opening arms outstretched. Strings attached to his fingers and A look of panic on his face.
“Ink!?”
And when he heard that voice, so full of concern. Blue colors suddenly and quickly replaced all the black. The red-hot anger was replaced with regret. The Dark self-hatred still lurking below. But now replaced with deep sorrow.
It made him sink to his knees and start openly wailing as the color overtook everything. He tried to stop the tears pressing his hands against his face, furiously wiping it. But every sob tore another from his body.
“S-soory…i am sorry Error…forgive me…please…please”
He started rambling, trying to get his emotions under control. But instead, he felt his insides turn, and he puked out a large amount of ink.
When he was done, the overwhelming sensation was gone. But the feelings were still there. His throat hurt, but he was letting out soft hiccups instead of sobs at this point. He looked back up. To see Error hovering close by in front of him. Arms outstretched like he had wanted to grab him. Frustrating, clear in his eyes.
“S-sorry..” he started again
“It’s okay, Kiki…it’s okay…just…let it all out okay…”
Error took another step closer and he could feel that pulsing heat. That heat seemed to push them apart, like two wrong magnets pushing each other away. He leaned back so that Error would glitch less. Not looking at Error's face, afraid to hurt him further.
Error let out another frustrated sound. Something heavy fell to the floor, probably Broomie. And he felt Errors strings circle his hands. But the mock handheld just made him feel worse. They were so pathetic, not even able to hold hands.
“Ink?”
He shook his head.
“Ink please…talk to me?”
He shook his head harder.
What was there to say? What could he possibly say that wouldn't sound completely insane? He was gonna lose Error. He was gonna figure out he couldn’t live without the touch and was gonna leave him as he should have ages ago. And he be all alone with his thoughts again. Unsure of whoever even ‘himself was’
More strings wrapped around his hands.
“Come on, Squid”
There was a hint of frustration coming through his voice now.
Error would realize that it was no use to spend time on him. That in the last few months he somehow had made more progress with his ex, Than with him. That all of this was a lost cause that he never should have -
Blue strings wrapped around his torso so tightly that he nearly choked. Looking back up and started into Error’s worried eyes. And after a beat or two a realisation seemed to come over Error.
“Have you been swallowing your paints again Kiki?”
He blinked up at the other.
Had he?
He tried to think back.
He remembered maybe once this morning…but that could have been yesterday as well?. He definitely did when he was painting to stay in that calm state he had been in.
Did he do it afterward? Oh…when Pallete came to the phone, he had to swallow down his excitement as well as his disappointment. He thought he had just pushed it down…But that would explain why he was feeling so crappy.
Shit! He might have done it more than once in his conversation with Dream.
“I…didn’t …notice..”
He said through a few sobs. And Error’s strings gently squeezed him.
“It’s alright…come on… let's get you out of this puddle”
The strings started to fall away from his body, almost like they had been arms that had been wrapped around him. That thought made him sob again, and he scrambled for the strings before they could completely disappear... Holding them shakingly between his fingers as he looked up at Error with a desperation he didn’t know under which color to classify
Error’s look of surprise turned into a sad smile, and he mumbled
“Should have known you liked being tied up in my strings”
He laughed wearily at the innuendo. And the strings came back around his torso softly and lifted him up from the middle of the room. Dropping him right below one of the windows. Error plopping down next to him, some space left between them. All the while he stared at the strings connecting them.
“What happened Inky… “
Error asked softly after some minutes of silence in which his sobs finally calmed down, and his emotions seemed to reach another equilibrium
“I think you guessed already, I swall-
“What triggered your outburst,”
He shut his mouth with a click and brought his knees up to his face. Another few minutes of silence
“I saw what I had painted..”
From the corner of his eye, he saw Error tilt his head
“That usually makes you happy.”
He shrugged, he didn’t want to think too hard about it. He might have puked most of his paints out. But not all. And if he indeed had kept swallowing down his paints, they would still be a murky mess inside of him. And didn’t want to trigger another episode
He heard some angry glitches, but Error’s voice stayed calm.
“Did your phone call with Dream affect how you looked at it?”
He shook his head.
“No, that went pretty well,”
He could feel Error’s eyes on him even without looking up, hugging his knees harder
“Are…Are you upset that it went well?” Confusion was clear in his boyfriend's voice.
He wanted to cry again and felt blue trying to come up, He tried to temp it down.
“Hey, Ink stop, don’t fight your paints…not at this time”
His hands started shaking, and shook his head.
Of course, Error noticed. Error knew him.
Even when he forgot who he was himself.
“It’s not fair…” he mumbled softly.
“What…Ink?” Error said confused along with the sounds of soft buzzes of glitches. As another silence fell between them, only filled by his own occasional sob.
He heard some sounds, not able to place them. So he looked up, seeing that Error had dragged one of the destroyed canvasses closer. There wasn’t much left of it, he had smeared pretty big globs of black ink on them, that was now dripping on Error's clothes.
Error seemed to glitch at them, but paid them no mind, rolling up his sleeve and rubbing the ink away with his arm, Eyes widening as he saw what was underneath.
Error's head snapped his way, eyes wide. And dragged another painting close doing the same thing to it.
“What…the fuck Ink.”
He closed his eyes in shame, burying his head back in his legs. He knew Error would hate them. That’s why he didn’t show them, he knew he had been holed up in here more nights than he could count. When Error was with others, or working. He was in here and painted his desires.
The ones he couldn’t act on. That he promised to let rest. And now Error knew, and he would see how he had gone against his word and…
“If you are angry with me you can just Fucking say so, don’t gotta destroy your passion projects over it”
His head shot up, and he looked at Error. Who was looking at the painting with a frown. But not an angry one. No…he…he almost looked. Sad? Then what Error had said seemed to land in his scattered brain and he quickly scrambled up to his knees. Error looking up as he did.
“I ain't angry at you?! …Why?!?!…No..Never, none of this is your fault.”
Error started at him eyes wide,
“Of….course…of fucking course how could I be so fucking stupid”
“W-what?” he asked, suddenly panicking.
The strings around him tighten again,
“I should have known you would be angry at yourself, somehow you always blame everything that goes wrong in our relationship on yourself”
His own eyes widened. And Error leaned closer. He could feel the heat again, but he couldn’t look away. Error was staring right at him. Different colors tried to rise up, but one never could stay, quickly replaced with another. Purple, pink, yellow, blue, green. All of them but he barely noticed only able to focus on his Love
“I thought I had said this before, but if I haven’t let me now. I don’t fucking blame you. For any of this Ink. It aint your fault I died. It aint your fault we can’t touch. It aint your fault that the recovery of it is going at a fucking snail's pace. Got it! None of that is your fault. I don’t fucking blame you, I ain't angry with you. And I am not upset that you miss being able to hold me. I’d be the biggest fucking hypocrite.”
The strings were getting tight enough that they were probably leaving robe burn marks. But he couldn’t care. Could hardly believe what was going on.
“B-but”
“No fucking but’s Ink. Whatever your brain is telling you. It is aint true. I’d kiss you right now to fucking prove it, but I think we both know how that would end”
The sound he let out was between a sob and a laugh. It be such a disaster. The only time they tried was on the first-day Error returned. And the scream the other had let out, still haunts his nightmares. It kept combining with Error’s death in those dreams.
He closed his hands over the strings that ran over his palms, Squeezing them tight, tugging at them. Feeling Error tuck on them as well.
He still felt like crap. And he wanted to believe Error. He so badly wanted to. But he couldn’t seem to get there. There had to be a tipping point. Maybe he didn’t blame him now. But it would not last forever and-
“Ink. Stop it” Error Seemed to read exactly what was going on in his mind.
“I…I can’t” he mumbled. “I wanna believe you Error. I really do..But…but..”
His hands rose to his chest. The part of himself he disliked so much. Where you could see the proof of his soullessness. That part of him that was at the root source of all his problems.
There was another pause and he started at the space between them. He could see Error's knees and realized this must have been the closest Error had been in a month. The thought made him swallow another sob.
“What would make you believe it.”
“Huh?”
He looked up back into Error’s eyes. They held a determined gleam
“Tell me what you need Ink, What would make you believe my word, so I can say it, or do it. Until I can beat it into your skull, and you never doubt me again”
“I….” He paused.
What would make him believe it? What would make him believe that Error didn’t hate him? That Error would stick with this, with them, Or that He would stick with Error? Was there such a thing?
“I don’t k-” he stopped himself.
That felt wrong to say. Here he was demanding proof. But he couldn’t think of anything himself. How was Error supposed to prove it then?
He looked up back at Error’s face. Still looking determined, ready to spring into action. And he wanted to give an answer.
Why was this so difficult, he just wanted Error to be happy. To be loved as much as he deserves.
But he loves Error. And Error wants his love. And was he just…not giving it? If he trusted that Error could love him despite his soulless state. Then why didn’t he believe Error trusted that his soulless self loved Error?
Now that he was thinking about it, it seemed kinda backwards, and selfish. To trust everything Error gave him. But not trust that Error knew that he was loved.
Soft oranges and yellows finally managed to take hold of his body. Error believed in him. He was conceived it wasn’t his fault. He might not fully believe it himself. But he could believe in Error, that did believe that fact.
Error's face shifted as he saw the realization drawn on his own face.
“Knock some sense into me from time to time, that is what you need to do apparently”
Error laughed “I do that for fun any day”
And he couldn’t help his own laugh. The strings on his hands tugged, lifting them to his face, he got the hint and held one of his own cheek in the way Error would.
“I Love you, I don’t hate you, and I don’t blame you. For any of this, And I am sorry if I made you think I did”
He shook his head.
“It’s okay..I…Thank you…I should have told you sooner. That I was feeling all of this. I could have avoided this mess”
Error glanced around the room.
“Nothing we can’t fix”
He raised a brow bone.
“You, fixing things?”
Error gave a fake glare, and he felt his colors latch on to the familiar feeling of seeing it
“Says the Protector that destroyed this room”
But then Error’s eyes turned serious again. Settling back down next to him, if a bit closer than before.
“We do need to find a way to prevent this from happening, for both our sakes I think..”
He gave a nod,
“Yeah only so much can be blamed on me swallowing my ink”
Error nodded. “Wanna do this now, or wait till the murkiness has passed”
He glanced around the room, seeing the black ink everywhere. And he thought back to how he felt. That darkness swallowing him whole. It had been an extreme reaction to the swallowing and mixing of already mixed paint.
As much as he wanted to let it pass and recenter himself.
It was better to deal with this now. Besides everything had mixed up so bad, that at this point he had to go blank to get rid of it all. And who knows what he would remember of this incident afterward.
So with he sigh, he leaned back against the wall.
“Now…but I am unsure of where to start” he started,
The orange and yellows have faded, right now settling on something of a mixture of purple and green.
Error hummed “Gimme a moment to think then.”
Error closed his eyes. And he just spends the time listening to the sounds of his boyfriend's static. Admiring the other as the light from the window hit him Making the blue streaks on his face almost seem to glow.
Error opened his eyes and turned to face him, and he shook his head to get rid of his dreamy thoughts.
“Based on what you said before, were you afraid that me seeing your paintings…would make me hate you?”
He gave a slow nod And there was a frown on the other's face.
“Why? You’ve drawn me more times than I can fucking count, with and without my permission I might add? So why now? “
He gave an embarrassed chuckle
“It’s not the fact that I drew you…but more what I made you do in them”
Errors eyebrow rose all the way up.
“You have drawn porn of m-”
“Erotica” He cut him off, and Error waved him off
“Same fucking thing. But besides the point, What I wanted to point out is. You have drawn me in way more “scandalous”- “
He quoted his fingers to emphasize his point.
“- positions. Wich, I have told you I didn’t mind as long as you didn’t show them to anyone else”
He flushed, he had been quite embarrassed that Error had found them. But his Glitch had surprised him. He had been embarrassed sure, but also it also seemed to give Error a huge ego boost. Not that he had needed it. Espeasily when he had seen the one he had made in the hot spring.
The error had invited him to draw him more afterward. And he had taken him up on that offer on multiple occasions. The fact that he stayed on the shore, while Error was half-naked in the water was perfect for him.
The thought of taking his shirt off and joining in terrified him. Not wanting such an intimate act to be tainted by a crash, or anything else stupid he might do. No, he quite liked what they got
Error continued on
“So…I don’t get what the big deal is with these?”
He clicked his teeth, trying to find the words to explain himself. He knew why, it felt a lot more stupid than before. But there was a part of him, that was still afraid. He could feel purple and dark blue try to overtake him.
But he took a good look at Error, who seemed genuinely confused. Remembering the almost sad look he had gotten. His boyfriend didn’t like the clutter all his art projects caused. But he seemed perfectly content to be the main subject of his inspiration. So to have seen him destroy paintings of them…
Yeah, he can see now how that could have looked to Error. He tried to call forth some orange, and with a trembling voice he managed to speak about his fears.
“I thought…that if you knew…how much I longed to touch you again, you might be angry with me. I mean…I promised you…that…that when we first began dating. That if this would ever happen..that it wouldn’t matter”
He let out a shuddering breath, staring hard at Error's chest, it was easier than looking into the too-knowing eyes
“That no matter how bad your phobia would get. That it would change nothing…I was afraid…seeing this…you realized I had broken that promise” he muttered softly.
“Because It does matter to me…that we can’t touch…it…it hurts a lot.” It felt scary to admit.
“Not that I would ever leave you over it! “ He quickly stated, looking up, to see Error surprise face at this outburst, and he quickly looked back at the other's chest.
“But just…it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be”
The silence between them felt heavy, then a dry chuckle came from Error and he looked up, and saw Error staring down…looking towards him. But not to his face. Just like had been staring at the other's chest. He wondered what he was focussing on.
“I….forgot about that promise…”
He blinked surprised and he turned to face his lover.
“You did? But…you made it so-”
Error held up his hand, and he fell quiet.
“I am not surprised you remembered. And I ain't surprised I made you promise. Dunno if I just forgot, or if it is a memory my death has taken from me…”
He felt himself react to the mention of Error's death again. And he saw the other eyes narrow knowingly, But Error continued on.
“But either way, I think it made you hold yourself up to an impossible standard.”
Error let out an angry huff at himself, crossing his arms, and frowned deeper.
“I don’t think I would make that promise with the intention that you weren’t allowed to have any feelings about it at all…I just didn’t want it to be a dealbreaker. “
His eyes widened.
“Of course, it will never be!”
And Errors eyes met his, seeming ready to rebuttal him but he continued.
“No matter, how much I long to touch, hold, hug, and kiss you again. That you feel comfortable is way, way more important to me. I never want you to feel forced to touch me. So it ain't a dealbreaker at all! Never was, to begin with. I am not the brightest, But I knew who I started dating. And if I ever made you feel like that- “
“You never did. ”
He felt his face erupt in a light blush
“It’s the same for me…”
Error mumbled. Then he saw a shot of anger on his face.
“ I WANT to touch you as well. Not because I feel forced to or some bullshit. But because I just miss it. I never even thought I could fucking miss it. And it sucks. “
Error's face gained another emotion, and he realised it was the same as his. Self-loathing.
“It fucking sucks so much. I just wish I could just reach out and hold your hand again. To just lay together without worry if we accidentally brush shoulders. Even you puking ink in my face as we kiss or just - “
“-simply give a chaste kiss? Pull you along by the arm on our dates? Just be close again in general?” He interrupted the other softly
Error eyes widened and then gentled in understanding
“yeah…” then another dry chuckle
“Have…have we seriously both been worried about the fact. That we both just miss being as close as we were before all this fucking mess?”
He tugged at the strings wrapped around his hands
“Guess so…”
Error sighed and mumbled disbelievingly.
“How did we manage to avoid talking about this for four months straight?”
“Dunno…like I said…I thought you’d be angry. And with everything else. I just didn’t wanna add that on top of it?”
Error let out another deeper sigh
“And I thought, you must have known my frustration was at the situation, not at you”
“At least we know now?”
But that didn’t really erase the last few months of pain they both felt. That now felt like had been completely unnecessary and avoidable
They both just sat in that newfound knowledge, letting it settle in. Part of him was really upset. Part of him was relieved, it was the bigger part. But it couldn’t drown out all the dark colors sadly
“Speaking of things we avoided talking about,” Error said with a grunt and he knew what was coming.
“It has been four months, and we haven’t talked about the situation, that got us to this in the first place at all….have we?”
He gave a nod. It had not been on purpose. They had talked a bit in those first few days. But focused more on both their anger surrounding the whole situation with Errors return.
Then Error also had to stay a lot in the antivoid. His body clearly recovered much faster there if he was on his own.
The Balance also had kept him away. He didn’t want it tipping too much either way, but there had been a push in his mind to take advantage of it. To increase his territory. He knew that push. He hated it at times. It could help him make the most wonderful of creations. It could make him do the most heinous things.
Always trying to get more and more. Pushing him to listen to one more creator request. Check out one more Au in case it needs protecting. Strengthen the defenses of the new Au’s until they are ready to interact with the multiverse.
He had learned to deal with that urge, learned where his own desires ended and the multiverses began. Most of the time they were the same. He had this role for a reason. He fulfilled it happily. But every job has its downside.
And that first month the ugly side of it showed up. He had tried to keep the scales balanced in his lovers absence, hoping that it would accelerate his return, then kept it so he could recover. His job was protecting all universes. And the multiverse didn’t seem to enjoy that he wasn’t taken advantage of the power vacuum. He had managed to keep that urge at bay, by exhausting himself.
Blue wasn’t very happy when he found out. He made him promise not to tell Error. As far as he knew…Blue hadn’t.
And after that first month. He had been so focused on figuring out what he and Error could and could not do anymore. How to help. How to just have dates where they both enjoyed themself. He had wanted to focus on the now. Error had seemingly wanted that as well.
The strings around his ribs tightened softly and it once again reminded him of a hug.
“Talk to me Ink”
He let his hands settle against the strings around his ribs, fingertips gliding over them softly.
“It’s…hard..”
Not because he didn’t remember. Far from it. It was seemingly burned into his brain, just like holding Error’s hand for the first time, or their first kiss. But this was one he rather forget.
“It sucked..?”
He started, he could hear the sobs trying to form as the blue paints tried to overtake him like before.
Error huffed gently.
“If you made an understatement this century, that would be it”
At the words, a burst of yellow bled through like a dotted pattern
“Do…do you…remember what happened?” He asked softly.
Error shook his head.
“Not really? Bits and pieces, but not the whole thing. But I know what happened”
“Blue?”
Error nodded. And he wondered what Blue had said. About how he reacted, but knowing his friend. He might have just kept it at what happened to Error. Probably thought this was a conversation they should have themselves, and he didn’t blame him.
He felt his bones rattle as much as they could in the strings hold. Following the quivering thread all the way to Errors fingers. Staring at the way he saw the other rub his thumb at the other end.
If they could touch, Error might have been rubbing his back. Or nuzzled against his skull. He gave a silent little tug a started with and sigh.
“...I was too busy helping…I don’t remember who… but I was getting them out of the way, And I turned around and see you get hit with this giant blaster beam. I think I dropped who I was helping, and raced my way over to you. The attack stopped, and instead of attacking back, you just…you just fell right out of the air,”
He remembered the terror. Error had died before, but he had never seen it. At the time all he knew was that he had been hurt, he wasn’t sure if that beam would have been enough to kill Error. But they had been fighting that stupid gaster blaster beast for a while. It had absorbed most of their attacks. They all had lost hp, and he didn’t know how much Error had left
It had felt like slow motion watching Error fall, the blue of his scarf trailing behind him, body so very limb. Not a hint of his angry boyfriend in sight.
“I remember checking you as I got closer. You were so low on hp, And the rest of the bar had been pink with karmic retribution. And it was slowly draining the rest. I teleported beneath you, caught you…and we landed. But by the time I could start my healing, you had hit zero already”
He was hiccuping with sobs again. And the strings squeezed him gently once more.
“I tried to stop it…I ain't the best healer…but I threw all the intended I could behind it - “
“I know Kiki... “ Error interrupted him, and he met the other's eyes.
There was a gentleness in them that he knew was rare. That last time he saw it, it was followed up by a day of cuddling on the couch. His magic ached knowing that can’t happen this time. He wondered if Error thought of the same thing.
“I felt your magic…I couldn’t see or hear. But I knew you were there.”
A rosy sort of color rose in his chest. Somewhere between red and pink. It was warm, nowhere near the feelings of sunsets and warm skies he got while kissing. But something similar.
But icey blue came back as he remembered what had happened next.
“Y-you turned to dust in my arms….”
His voice was barely more than a whisper.
“y-you were there…i was holding you..and then slowly…you just..seemed to crumble away…and then…you were…gone..”
The words barely made it past his teeth.
He had been begging near the end, screaming for it to stop. For Error to hold on, that he could fix it. But in the end, he just sat there on the ground, covered in dust as the battle continued on around him.
He had never felt so empty, never been as scared. Not as far as he can remember at least. He knew he got angry, that he single-handedly killed the creature that had taken Error from him. But he doesn’t remember more than the blind grief-stricken rage.
The next thing he does remember is that Blue and Dream were holding him. Screaming and begging him to stop. His fist was bloody with marrow as he had kept on hitting the ground where he had killed the beast. Head to toe covered in Errors and the giant monster's dust. Bursting out crying in their arms. Until it all became too much, and throwing up the last of his paints.
It took them several days to coax him to drink them again. Now that he thinks back on it, that might be the first time Dream hugged him since their breakup years before. He hadn’t even done his whole, must try and safe everyone speech…
God, of course, Dream wouldn’t have given that speech at the time…even if had been more coherent. What an awful way to think about a friend…
Something warm wrapped around his shoulders, he looked up from where he had buried his head into his knees again. Errors strings were dropping Error's long coat around his shoulders, trying to cocoon him in it.
“Ru…?” he mumbled confused, wiping at the tears on his face.
“You…always buried your nose in this when we hugged…since I can’t hug you.… I thought I could trick your brain into thinking we were…cause...Fuck it Ink… I didn’t…I didn’t know okay… and I…Fuck..”
Error's eyes seemed to be burning like he was holding back tears. Even if had let tears fall, the tracks on his face would hide them. One of his hands came up to one of the lapels, pulling the jacket closer to himself. As Error fiddled with the strings seeming to refuse to look at him.
“I fucking tried to hold on, I should have been paying more attention. It was such a stupid mistake. But I was keeping track of Blue. Making sure he wasn't hit, And then…”
Error’s voice stuttered out and let out several beeps, and he saw some error signs fill his eyes.
He rose to his knees.
“Error..?”
The minor crash passed, and Error shook his head and continued on,
“I should have asked Blue for more details. No wonder you have been so all over the place inky. And…fuck just because I had been stupid? I dunno what I would have done if it had been you?…destroyed half the multiverse before I came to my senses. Yet you…you didn’t. You kept the balance, and have just been trying to make the best of a shitty situation.”
Error clenched his fist, and the strings tightened again. And he could feel the anger through the magic.
“ I remember how happy you were when I came back. I thought that at points you were forcing yourself to feel happy. And you might have…but…you did that…to avoid thinking of this right?”
Error turned to look at him,
All he could do was nod, and to his surprise, some stray tears fell from his boyfriend's eyes. He wished he could come over and kiss them away.
“Fuck Dust and Dream man. I thought they were being assholes that day. But this. If I get my hands on Dust, Fuck that scare I gave him last time wasn’t nearly enough punishment. Oh and Dream? Fucking dreamboat?! He was there! I remember And then He was just gonna fucking yell at you for being excited it returned?! Don’t even get me started!!“
His magic was rushing through his body at record speed. Making him feel a little lightheaded. That Error was angry on his behalf even after all this time That he was feeling for him…what he did back then. But had no way to express at the time. It was doing things to him. It made him happy. But he also knows that he didn’t blame either of those two.
“Enough! Error….Enough…don’t go hurt either of them, please. Dust got what he deserved. And Dream and I have resolved this ourselves, you know what was going on with him at the time. It ain't an excuse for what he did. But he wasn’t in the best place. I have decided to forgive him…I don’t want you hunting him down”
Dreams comment at the time had hurt. It had dug at his own insecurity of his soulless state, as well as his relationship with Error. Luckily blue had stepped in. But Dream had forgiven him for doing much worse. It was hard, but he cared too much about Dream. And even thou their relationship was currently strained. He knew Dream did too.
The amount of time he had spent helping him in the months after Error’s death attested to that.
Error was still glaring angrily, And he shuffled closer, where he could feel the warmth of the pushing sensation. Trying to keep them apart.
“I am not asking you to forgive them…just…please don’t go after them. I won’t even stop you if you decide to grill Dream about it, 'cause I know you will, no matter what I think of it. Just please…”
Error huffed, still clearly upset.
“I ain't forgiving them”
And with that, he knew Error wouldn’t try to harm either of them. And he gave a genuine smile
“Thank you, Ruru”
And for the first time that night, he saw Error's beautiful yellow blush covering his cheeks.
His own chest filled up with a soft yellowish pink.
“Thank you for telling me about all this Ink, I promise to make it up to you” The other muttered softly into his scarf, then a bit clearer
“…How are you feeling now?”
He swayed a bit back and forth.
“Pink…”
He replied softly, and Errors blush rose and became more flustered. Error grabbed a tube he used to store papers in, And then softly bonked him on the head with it,
He couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him as Error mock yelled.
“That aint what I was talking about and you know it you annoying Squid”
He grabbed the tube yanking it out of Error's hands,
“I know~”
And gave a soft bonk against the others head in return, before dropping it and letting it roll away.
“I am feeling…better, bit lightheaded…must be nearly out of paint…But I think…talking helped. Don’t think it got rid of everything…but don’t think I am gonna do…”
He glanced around the room with a sad smile…
“Well…anything like this”
Error gave a nod, with a little frown.
“We gotta talk more about this shit, even if we both think we don’t need to. We clearly fucking do. “
He nodded in agreement
“Easier said than done…”
“Aint that the truth…but I’ll try for you Kiki”
“And I for you Ruru”
They both smiled at each other and then he leaned back with a sigh. Feeling his eyesockets fighting to stay open, the colors in him became more muted as he ran on the last fumes.
“Tired?” Error muttered settling in as close as he dared.
He nodded, “Probably for the best if I stay blank for a day, to make sure I got rid of all the sludge.”
The strings around his torso tightened like a soft squeeze from Error's arms
“I remember what to do, and I’ll call Blue if need be”
He gave another nod and heard the sound of a glitchy portal opening. Error probably getting supplies. But he felt something against his side, opening his eyes again, he recognized the pattern of Error’s crochet blanket.
He didn’t pull it out often, but it was warm and smelled of him, And it was thick. But Error didn’t lay it over him, No he crumbled it up into a makeshift barrier, and with a soft pull of his strings gently coaxed him against it, while Error laid on the other side.
Close but not touching. He could feel the pulsing heat again. Error should feel it too, and it was probably aggravating his glitches. But it was hard to fight off sleep, as Error was closer than he had been in months. Mind focusing on the feeling of strings still gently around his torso. On the smell of the warm coat that was being rewrapped around him, cocooning him against the blanket.
And all he could feel was Error.
“Love you…” He mumbled.
He heard a bit more static as his eyes fell closed. Knowing he was safe, feeling better than he had in a long while. The last of his paints manifested into a small rainbow flush on his face, coaxing him gently into a dreamless sleep.