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if you love me for me

Summary:

the struggles of two sad people falling for each other.

Notes:

not telling you what the title is from. if you know you know (and you're my favorite person)

it's about time for me to post another vent fic so here's one about being aromantic!

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

seonghwa had always hated the idea of a 'true love'. like any other kid born in his time, he grew up with disney movies and fairy tales that told stories of love that conquered all— a magical, fantastical, true love. a prince and a princess. lovers fighting against the odds. a kiss that solves everything.

seonghwa spat on the idea. fuck 'love'.

of course, he didn't fully mean that. he loved his parents, he loved his friends, and he loved his cat (he might have loved his cat, a black and white kitten named leia, more than anything else in this world, but he would never admit that).

but none of that was the love that has always been expected of him. none of that was the magical true love that it seemed everyone was searching for— and he was expected to search for too.

it wasn't romantic love. and that was the problem.

romantic love haunted seonghwa in every moment of his life, it seemed. it was in the dramas he watched, it was in the books he read, it was in the way his grandparents talked to him, it was in music, it was in art, it was in the jokes his friends made.

what was so great about romantic love that made it nearly inescapable?

he fought the urge to frown every time his grandmother would ask him "seonghwa, how are you already twenty-six and haven't had a girlfriend?" or "my neighbor's daughter is around your age and she's single. she's a very nice girl— should i set you two up?"

it wasn't as though seonghwa was disinterested in women. he was just as interested in women as he was in men— but his 'interest' never went further than thinking a person is hot. or admirable. or simply intriguing. he would never even dream of pursuing a relationship with someone who piqued his interest. it wasn't that he was shy or fearful of break-ups. those were the reasons his friends always gave for why they didn't go after someone they 'liked'.

he was simply repulsed by the idea of dating and having to love someone like that.

and he didn't see this as much of a problem until he got older. when he was younger he always hated when people talked about romance, but there was no expectations for him to be in a relationship quite yet (though there was always the assumption that someday, he would be). seonghwa had started to consider himself a late bloomer. surely he would suck it up someday and date, right?

alas, at twenty-six, seonghwa had yet to have any interest in romance whatsoever.

he started to think that he might just be broken at this point. dysfunctional. there must have been something wrong with him— why else would he blank every time people talked about high school crushes? or stare at the screen in disgust every time a couple in a drama shared a kiss?

there really was something wrong with him.

as if the disinterest in romance wasn't bad enough, seonghwa felt disgusted in himself because he certainly didn't have a disinterest in sex. he felt like some sort of freak for having never been in love, but wanting sex.

sure, hookup culture was at it's peak these days, but deep down seonghwa felt dirty. even the people he'd hook up with talked about exes, or they asked him if he wanted to meet up again "for a real date".

it didn't happen often, but when it did, seonghwa would quickly decline.

why would he want to date when he was broken? when he couldn't seem to feel this love that everyone always raved about?

true love. real love. whatever. seonghwa wouldn't find any of it.

— ♢ —

seonghwa hated when people told him that someday, surely, he would find "the one". his immediate response was almost always "why do i need to find 'the one'?"

it was a valid question, wasn't it?

was his life now not enough?

why was he considered incomplete without a significant other?

why was it so terrible that he never thought of marriage or dating? why did people feel bad for him when he said he'd never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend? he didn't need pity, he needed people to understand that he didn't want that. he never wanted it.

but people would never listen, would they?

no, they insisted that he would find someone. they told him "don't worry, you'll find someone someday" and he wanted to scream.

his close friends stopped saying these things once he expressed his discomfort, but they didn't truly understand his hatred for society's romantic expectations.

seonghwa wasn't scared of love. he wasn't scared of commitment. he didn't think it was tragic or pitiful that he'd never 'fallen in love'. it was just a fact of his life. he couldn't put how he felt into words, though, so he was doomed to be misunderstood.

until he was venting to hongjoong about his troubles, and he finally felt seen.

hongjoong had been seonghwa's other half since they were in high school. even at their first meeting, they were inseparable. it only made sense that hongjoong would be the one to finally have an answer to seonghwa's brokenness.

"are you sure you're not aromantic?" hongjoong asked through a mouthful of ice cream. they were sitting in the parking lot of a mcdonald's, eating a nutritious meal of soft-serve ice cream and fries. "honest to god, i think you're aromantic."

"i don't even know what that means," seonghwa muttered.

"you know what asexuality is, right?"

"mhm."

"it's like that— but instead of not feeling sexual attraction, you don't feel romantic attraction."

seonghwa paused as he was about to put a handful of fries in his mouth. "that's really a thing?"

"yeah, it is," hongjoong nodded, "you could always look more into it if you think that's a good label for you. i'm not trying to label you myself, of course, but it really sounds like you'd find it fitting."

seonghwa pulled out his phone and googled 'aromantic', immediately coming across definitions, the flag (which was very pretty), and people talking about their own aromantic experiences. something clicked for him that day— he wasn't alone.

of course, he was never completely alone. hongjoong made sure of that. but he had always felt alone in his lack of romantic love.

now he had an answer and, for now, he felt complete.

— ♢ —

when seonghwa confessed his feelings towards hongjoong, the first thing hongjoong asked was "how?"

it was a fair question, from his point of view. just last week they had been talking about seonghwa's identifying as aromantic, and throughout the entire time they'd been friends hongjoong had known very well that seonghwa despised the idea of romantic love. he probably knew that better than anyone else.

so what was all this?

'this' being that, after seonghwa had asked hongjoong to stay late at his new apartment, he simultaneously thanked him for helping him move in and confessed to him all in one go.

"thanks for helping me move all this shit— i can't really put into words how much i appreciate you. i mean, really... i love you. i mean that. do you get what i'm saying, joong?"

"you love me?"

"yeah."

"how?"

after the words left hongjoong's mouth, he regretted it. he didn't mean to sound skeptical or disrespectful but, again, this was so unlike the seonghwa he knew. he could have meant it platonically, but the way he said it suggested something deeper. hongjoong was confused.

"what do you mean 'how'?" seonghwa scoffed, "am i not allowed to feel love? do you think i'm a robot?"

hongjoong sighed. "that's not what i meant. i just thought... that you were aromantic? did you change your mind?"

"no," the older said, shaking his head, "i didn't mean it in a romantic way."

"so a platonic way then?"

"no, not that either," seonghwa sighed, "i'm sorry, i'm probably just confusing you more. it's hard to explain."

hongjoong scooted towards where seonghwa was sitting on the new couch, and placed a comforting hand on his thigh. "you can try to explain it to me. i want to understand, seonghwa."

if there was anyone who knew seonghwa's pain of being misunderstood, it was hongjoong.

growing up as a bisexual trans man from a conservative family was tough, to say the very least. he found solace in a few close friends (seonghwa being one of them), but hongjoong still struggled to understand himself— possibly even more than those who outright refused to understand.

in fact, he still wasn't sure if he understood who he was entirely.

hongjoong thought he was straight for the longest time because he thought that was the only way he could be accepted as a man— until he began to harbor a crush on one of his closest friends and couldn't deny being bi.

he also, for a while, thought that he was asexual due to his disgust that the thought of ever having sex with someone. as he grew more confident in himself, though, it became clear that his distaste wasn't for sex, but rather for the way people viewed his body. the way he viewed it too.

it took him a long time to outgrow that disgust (though it still lingered anytime he saw his bare body), but he had done it.

and he was the only one in his life who understood how strenuous this whole process was.

which was why he could now resonate with seonghwa's need to be understood.

"i don't even know where to start," seonghwa breathed heavily, "can i just say what's on my mind even if it doesn't make sense?"

"go ahead."

"i never thought i wanted a relationship," seonghwa started, "never. i thought that wasn't something i'd ever want, because i had never loved someone like that, and i thought those two things had to go hand in hand. but the more time we spend together and the more fond of you i become... i find myself wanting a relationship. but i don't love you romantically, so i can't do that, can i?"

seonghwa let out a sob, using his sweater sleeve to dry his eyes that were close to shedding tears. "i shouldn't want that. but there's no one else i'd rather spend my life with, you know? and it's not like what i feel for you is what i feel for any other friend... it's something deeper that i can't even put words to."

"oh, seonghwa..."

"and what's unfair about this," the older sniffled, "is that i'm dumping all this on you when i don't even know how you feel. how do you feel, joong?"

how did he feel? now that was a question that hongjoong himself wasn't sure he knew the answer to. if he was being completely honest— he'd had a crush on seonghwa for the longest time and, though it has reduced itself to a feeling of admiration, it never truly disappeared.

so hearing the man he loved more than anything else say that he wanted to be with him was more than hongjoong could have ever asked for.

"i feel... happy," he decided, smiling over towards seonghwa, "for me, too, there's no one else in this world who i'd rather be with."

"you're not disappointed?" seonghwa asked.

hongjoong's eyes widened. "what? no, no, why would i be? i'd never be disappointed by you, seonghwa."

"well, i'm saying all of this stuff to you," he started, staring at his knees, "but i don't even have romantic feelings for you. i love you, but will that be enough?"

hongjoong's heart felt heavy at the other man's words. to hear him say such a thing hurt him but, at the same time, he could understand entirely. he, too, had always feared that he wouldn't be enough for someone he loved. he wasn't affectionate enough. he wasn't enough of a man. no matter what, he thought he wouldn't be enough.

had seonghwa proven him wrong?

"hwa, of course it's enough," he sighed, tilting the other's head up so they were facing each other again, "i understand that you might feel like that's what i'm expecting, since i have romantic feelings for you—"

"you do?"

"ah... did i not already say that?" hongjoong laughed, taking one of seonghwa's hands in his, "anyway, while our feelings might not be exactly the same, don't we both want each other? isn't that enough?"

"yeah, but—"

"seonghwa," hongjoong interrupted, "what do you want? just tell me, and we can work it out."

"i just want you to be mine," seonghwa sniffled, rubbing at his red eyes with his free hand, "is that okay?"

hongjoong laughed, lunging forward and wrapping his arms around seonghwa. the older seemed surprised at first, his body stiffening up, but he leaned in to embrace hongjoong soon after. "that's more than okay," he whispered, "thank you for loving me for me."

"i wouldn't have you any other way."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Notes:

refraining from publishing any of my wips that involve death in light of moonbin's passing. im still a bit shaken up by it so you won't see any particularly dark content from me for a while

anyway though, if you enjoyed this pls leave a comment/kudos <3