Chapter Text
It had been a week since the rugby party. You didn’t contact Parker, the drive you felt to even be bothered with romance was gone. Ellie called and visited some times, but only ever platonically. It’s like she could just tell the last thing you needed was sex. Feeling wanted wasn’t enough to soothe this hurt.
“You like her?” Ellie asked on one of her visits.
You sighed heavily, “She’s not- She’s not all bad, Ellie. She’s just confused, and I wish her confusion hadn’t involved me because now I’m confused.”
“Christ, she fucked you over so bad you’re thinking about guys?!”
You rolled your eyes before glaring at her, “Be for real.”
“What are you confused about?”
“I don’t… pine over straight girls. And when people aren’t sure about me I usually just move on, ya know. I’ve never been one to dwell on a crush that falls through.”
“Yep, you’re extremely rejection averse.”
“Ellie, if you’re gonna be an asshole-”
“Okay, okay, I’ll shut up.”
You put your head in your hands as you sat on that damn sofa where it all went down. You didn’t leave your dorm except for when you had to, terrified of running into Abby.
“She has me so confused. She kissed me at that party after making it this huge secret that we hooked up, and making it seem like the worst decision of her life. She kissed me and for a second I forgot what was happening. I forgot we were fighting and all those feelings that I thought I killed just came crawling back to the surface.”
“Objectively speaking, I think you have a right to be confused. She’s kinda leading you on.”
“She’s not. She’s just not sure of herself. And it’s so unlike her. For as long as I’ve known her, Abby has been driven and decisive. I’ve never seen her like this which makes it harder to wrap my head around what’s going on. She pushed me away, just to beg for me back. I mean, she’s already called me five times since then. She came by yesterday and I looked at her through the peephole. She looked so fucking sad, Ells.”
Ellie huffed, “Oh no, she’s suffering the consequences of her fucking actions.”
“People make mistakes,” you asserted.
“And they pay for them. Look, I just want you to be happy. That’s all I care about. And if she’s making you unhappy then-”
“Obviously she wasn’t always making me unhappy. You know that. We were good once!”
“I know. Do what you think will make you happy, and if you decide to have her around just be clear with her. Either she’s your friend or her girlfriend. You can’t do that ambiguous shit. Not now, not with her. You don’t deserve to just be somebody’s sex toy. Then I’ll really have to hunt her down, and we don’t want that.”
“No, you don’t want to do that.”
Ellie scoffed, turning to you with a little amused smirk, “You don’t think I could take her.”
“Hand to hand? No. She could send you fucking flying. Maybe with your knife and if you had the jump on her. But even then…”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, sunshine.”
It was three days since that conversation. You were letting yourself waste away in bed. You just let the grief have you. It was all you could do to go to class, do your homework, eat, shower, work, and sleep. You were a robot. That was fine. You got what you needed to done. Your future wouldn’t suffer over this unfortunate lapse in judgment. Still, you wished the ceiling would just cave in on you, put you out of the misery of losing your best friend in such a heart wrenching way. What was worse is Abby had been to visit a couple of times. She knocked on your door but you never answered. You looked at her from the peephole and waited for her to go away.
She didn’t look like she was doing great. You wished you could derive any amount of joy from that but, again, it’s not like you were doing so much better. You still cared about her, even though you shouldn’t. She wasn’t worth it. She didn’t deserve how much you cared. It tugged on your heartstrings to see her red rimmed eyes, her flushed nose, and pouty lips. It always looked like she had just gotten done crying or was on the verge of tears. You hated to see her hurting. Of course you did but you couldn’t alleviate her hurt at your expense. So, you didn’t answer.
You and Abby were never like this. You used to be roommates for chrissakes. Every evening was a sleepover. It wasn’t fair to you because you did your part. You were good. The very moment she walked into that room second semester freshman year you had a crush on her. How could you not? She was carrying in a mountain of her stuff, arms out and proud in her tank top. Her dad was right behind her, of course, so you couldn’t stare at her the way your brain wanted to.
You introduced yourself to the two of them happily, “I’m happy to have a new roommate,” you said earnestly.
“Oh man, what happened to your last one?” she chuckled.
You tried not to let your smile falter as you thought about the last one, “Uh, we didn’t get along.” You wanted to assure her it was through no fault of your own. You were just gay and she didn’t like that. She’d treated you like you were some kind of predator waiting for a chance to perv on her. To make matters worse she wasn’t even your type. In all possible ways she was safe from your gaze. She’d made such a fuss about it to your RA that they’d agreed to move her so you were alone for half of last semester. It was hard to make friends for a bit but you’d pulled through in the end. Still, you were kind of excited at the prospect of having a roommate you could be friends with. And… and you didn’t want her to view you as something bad so you kept your sexuality to yourself.
“Mine dropped out.” She explained.
“Ah, well college isn’t for everyone,” you shrugged, “Hopefully we make it ‘til the end, right?”
You remembered her father introducing himself. He’d invited you out to dinner with them, and insisted when you politely declined. Her dad was nice, a little goofy, but warm. You could see that she was the more responsible one, the voice of reason and temperance. You didn’t think it suited her ill though. Throughout that semester and the year after that, Abby showed you just how integral that title was to her. She was the responsible one between the two of you, the voice of reason that encouraged you to spend a little more time studying a hard subject, get your ass out of bed and go to the gym, and to eat when you were too overwhelmed or tired.
“You’re sad so you’re not gonna eat?” she asked you incredulously.
“Just don’t feel like it.”
“Well what’s that gonna solve. You’re gonna feel like shit emotionally and physically. Come on,” she urged.
“Abby just let me wither away and die!” you groaned, turning your back to her in your bed. You were coming off of a harsh rejection and rejection always hit you like a damn bus. It was the confirmation of a fear that existed deep in the pit of your stomach: There was something wrong with you and it made you utterly unlovable.
Abby picked you up, sliding her arms under you to get you in a bridal hold, “Not an option. You can’t traumatize me like that.”
You scoffed, “I’ll be sure to die where you can’t see it.”
“Nah it’s too late for dying, I know you now. It would be traumatic regardless. Plus, starving to death sucks,” she mused, setting you down in your desk chair so she could find your shoes. You thought about crawling back into bed but it was like she could read your mind.
“I’m more than capable of carrying you down to the dining hall.”
You huffed, “Fine. You’re so pushy, Abby.” You didn’t mind that. Honestly you were thankful for it. You’d needed her back then and you might still need her now. She’d know what to do if she weren’t the reason you were set on withering away in your bed. If it wasn’t the memory of her lips on yours, her hands on your body, and your hands on hers that made you not want to perform the basic function required to sustain your life. Sure you were eating, but only what was readily available. You probably wouldn’t get back up for dinner, but it was better than having nothing at all. You just… couldn’t be bothered. Plus, what if you saw her in the dining hall again? What if she tried to talk to you? Then it would be another scene and all those people would know just how intimately Abby had rejected you, how low she thought you were, the secret she was so committed to keeping. This sucked. You were beginning to wish that the two of you had never met.
Knocks hit the door and you could guess who it was just by how hard the knocks were. Abby was stubborn in nature. You sighed and got up to check just in case it was one of your residents. It was just as you suspected when you looked through the peep hole. She was standing there looking miserable. Good, she should be miserable. After everything she’s done she deserves it.
“I know you’re in there,” Abby called, “I know your resident hours.”
“Go. Away. Abby.”
“No! I’ll stay here all day if I have to.”
You huffed. She couldn’t do that. It would affect your residents and they’d be wondering why the hell she was hanging around your door. Of course, that’s why she was doing it. She knew you’d fold and open the door.
“I brought your favorite from the Indian spot downtown.”
That was expensive food. You opened the door, “Five minutes.”
“Sure,” she huffed. You stepped aside so Abby could walk in. She was at least telling the truth about the food. She brought with her the full bodied scent of curry spices. You noted the bag in her hand and reached forward to snag it, but she moved it out of your reach.
“After you talk to me,” she vowed.
“What did you come here to say?” you grumbled, crossing your arms in front of your chest.
“Can we sit down?”
“On the couch?” you raised an eyebrow.
“No where else to sit,” she shrugged, going over to it. It was weird seeing her on it again after everything that had happened there, the way that one moment had blown up your interpersonal life. You stayed standing. It was better that the two of you had distance.
“Are you gonna sit?” she asked.
You shook your head, “Say what you need to.”
Abby hung her head. She rested her elbows on her knees as if just the thought of speaking to you exhausted her. In all honesty she looked a mess. The braid she always wore her hair in looked slept in. She was in a random top and sweatpants which was abnormal for her. She’d usually manage to put on real pants. Sweatpants were just for lounging around her home.
“There’s really no good way to say any of this. I know you don’t want to hear it but I’m sorry about how I reacted that night. I’m sorry about the party too, and I’m sorry I didn’t stand up for you like I was supposed to. Most of all though, I’m sorry for hurting you. I regret that most. You’re probably the most important friend I have and I fucked up. I really fucked up. I- I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can barely fucking function because I know hurt I you. I’m so sorry.”
“Okay.”
“That’s all you have to say? Okay?” She scoffed looking up at you incredulously.
You shrugged, “I don’t know what to say to you. You’re sorry. Doesn’t change anything. We can’t just go back to being friends like we were.”
“You’re right,” she huffed, “I ruined that.”
“... We ruined that,” you corrected, “I’m not gonna act like I wasn’t a willing participant. We should have never crossed that line.”
Silence stretched between the two of you. Abby’s elbows rested on her knees and she wrung her hands, a nervous habit that came before she’d eventually start popping her knuckles, and then biting her nails. It was sickening how well you knew her. She popped her knuckles before turning to look at you again.
“Did you mean it… before when you said you thought we were working towards something?”
You shifted your weight, “I mean, I wasn’t just gonna fuck you and throw you away, Abs. I would have never done that to you. Not ever. Of course I saw something with you, but things are different now.”
“Right, you have Ellie.”
You rolled your eyes, “Ellie’s my friend.”
“Who you make out with.”
“Occasionally. And sometimes we do more when we’re both single. She’s good to me.” You crossed your arms defensively. She wasn’t gonna make you feel bad for doing something with someone who wanted you. You’d needed it and it was her fault anyway.
Her breath left her heavily again, like it was hard for her to breathe, “Do you love her?”
“She’s my friend. I love her that way”
“And does she love you that way?” Her brows pushed together with worry.
“Yes! But Abby, what does it matter? You don’t want me. And I can’t do this with you if you’re going to be ashamed of who you are and who I am, because I didn’t start feeling ashamed of myself until you came around. I refuse to step back into that with you.”
“I’m not ashamed of you.”
You gave her a look of avid disbelief, “Do your friends know you’re here?”
“A couple of ‘em. They’re probably sick of me honestly. I told you I can’t function knowing we’re so fucked up. Not when you’re all that I want.”
“You don’t mean that.” Your heart was beating hard. It was loud, nearly drowning out her next words as you stood there in shock.
“I’ve liked you more than I should for a while. I just didn’t know what to call it, or how to feel about it. The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you and I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you if you take me back.”
“Take you back?” you laughed, a breathless sound, “Don’t make it sound like we were together.”
“You know what I mean. I can figure out how to just be your friend again. We’ll have to change but… I don’t want to lose you. You were my best friend,” her voice broke and she sniffed, “I don’t think there’s anybody around me who loves me like you did when we were just friends. None of my friends care about me like that and I don’t want to lose that forever. I don’t think I can take it.”
“Abby,” you groaned, dropping your arms, “we can’t go back. We’ve been so awful to each other.”
“I deserved it,” she said miserably.
“No- I mean, yes. But I- You just- You really fucked me up alright. When you did that it felt like… like maybe there was something wrong with me and I was stupid for thinking anybody could really want me beyond having a quick fuck.”
Abby pressed the heels of her palms into her eyes as she groaned, “ No, god that was the problem. I wanted more than that. You were right about me. I always thought I would have a husband, kids, the works, and acting on my feelings for you sent all of that to hell. I panicked. I mean what am I gonna tell my dad?”
“Do you think he’d really treat you differently?” You frowned trying to imagine Abby’s dad as a homophobe. He was just so kind and open to so many different people. But you supposed Abby knew him best.
“ No , but he’s always talking about seeing me married and being a grandfather and all of that changes if I’m- because I’m into girls.”
“You still like boys though, don’t you?”
“Maybe? I don’t know. I’ve never felt like this about a boy. I know I wouldn’t try so hard to fix things with a guy. Guys are a dime a dozen but there’s only one you. And I want you.”
“You know you could have all that stuff with a woman. You could get married, have a kid, it doesn’t have to be the end of that dream for you, Abs.”
“You don’t want kids,” she said confusedly.
“It wouldn’t be with me. You could do it with any other woman.”
“But I want you , don’t you get that? I just want you with me and I’m willing to do whatever you want me to, to get a do-over.”
“I don’t know Abby.”
“Do you not feel that way for me anymore?” she asked with a frown.
“You hurt me,” you whispered to her.
“Let me make it better.” She held out her hands for you, and your heart yearned to go to her. Abby gave the best hugs especially when it felt like you were falling apart. She felt strong enough to push all the pieces back together. At your hesitation, she gave you a pleading look, her pretty pink bottom lip poking out in a pout, “Just one more chance to do this right.”
You huffed going over to her. You set your hand in hers and she pulled you into her lap making you sit across her thick thighs. She wrapped both of her arms around you. You rested your head upon one of her broad shoulders, feeling tears begin to breach your waterline.
“I’m still mad at you,” you grumbled.
“I know, just give me a chance to make it better,” she answered, and the way her voice broke told you she wasn’t fairing any better than you were emotionally. The two of you were just two open wounds coming together. It felt so doomed but you didn’t want to lose her either. You didn’t want to lose her as a confidant or a companion. She’d made your life richer in ways you hardly anticipated and you missed her. You missed her so badly it ached. Now that she was holding you, squeezing your pieces back together you couldn’t help the overwhelming emotion that struck you. It all came pouring out all at once.
Abby held you tighter, rocking gently, “I’m so sorry, sunshine. I’m sorry .”
It took you a while to notice that she was crying too. Two broken hearts trying to put each other together again, all because of one foolish mistake. You wrapped your arms around her neck to hug her back. At what point would you two say enough is enough if you didn’t surrender right now? How much would you do to get back at her when you could just lay down your hurts at this very moment? Who else would you hurt along the way before you surrendered? You didn’t want to fight.
Once the worst of your crying died down, Abby rubbed your back, “You should eat. I know you’re not eating.”
You nodded getting out of her lap, going for plates and cutlery. Right now, you wouldn’t think too far into it. You would just see where this evening went. It was just a meal, and she obviously got food for herself. You heard the T.V. turn on and as you came back to the living room from your little kitchenette you saw her choosing something to watch. For now, you let things be normal. You preferred to sit on the floor and use the coffee table to eat at. You took the various plastic containers out of the big paper bag they were in. She’d really gone all out, extra garlic naan and rice with fish masala, aloo palak, samosas, okra stir fry and then her incredibly basic butter chicken that any other time you would tease her about. Now it was all you could do to keep this fragile truce up.
As you relaxed after eating your head rested against her knee and you just stayed there, remembering simpler times than this. You used to fall asleep with your head in her lap. She’d be gently stroking your baby hairs, giving you a little temple massage and it would put you right out. You thought of coming back after being out all night and how you and Abby would share your little twin sized bed, pressed up against each other. Maybe things were never so platonic, and the lines were always blurred. You remembered rubbing her back, as she rested with her cheek against your chest, hand under her shirt to get skin-to-skin contact.Touching her bare back to soothe her right to sleep was just normal for the two of you. You weren’t even that intimate with Ellie.
You shifted on the ground, wincing as you felt how numb your ass was. You got up and moved to the couch. Instead of cuddling into her side like you would have done before, you folded in on yourself, bringing one of your knees up to your chest.
Abby was honestly surprised she got this far. She thought for sure you’d kick her out at the earliest convenience. Things weren’t fixed, obviously, but she counted it as a win. She’d felt sick ever since she walked away that night, and her stomach was finally settled as she sat beside you. It felt like she could breathe again. After you left the rugby party of course all eyes were on her. You’d slapped her across the face and said you regretted ever caring about her. People could make their assumptions about why the two of you were arguing.
“She doesn’t fucking deserve you anyway,” Owen began.
She rolled her eyes turning away from him, “Fucking Christ Owen! None of this would have happened if you would just butt out!”
“I was trying to help-”
“You’re not helping! She’s never gonna fucking talk to me again!”
Owen looked confused, “Why does that matter?”
"What does it- It matters to me! She matters to me! And I told you to leave her alone. Why can't you ever do what I fucking tell you to?"
"I was just trying to stand up for you. She was-"
"I don't need you to do that. I have never needed you to do that. I needed a fucking friend to help me through a hard time and instead I got you!"
All she could do was shake her head. How is it that he could call her on the exact thing that was the problem? He could point out that she was in love with her best friend but he couldn’t see why she wanted him to leave you alone? Maybe he couldn’t understand it because she didn’t fight for him this hard. When he said it was over she’d just nodded. She’d figured as much. Things fizzled long before he called it quits. She was just holding on to the high school sweethearts story. When she’d cried about it, she was crying for the future that would never be… but she couldn’t say that she was mourning the relationship exactly. Up until you walked out of that damn party she would have told you that she was heartbroken over Owen when he broke up with her, but no. This was heartbreak. And it was debilitating. She left out the back of the house, and she walked. Tears blurred her vision, she held her breath to keep from sobbing outright. When she absolutely had the breathe she huffed and pulled in ragged gasps before holding her breath again. She kept this up all the way to her apartment, where she promptly went to her room, threw herself on her bed and cried like a baby.
Naturally, Manny found her. He was her roommate after all. It stood to reason that he’d be the one knocking on her door.
“I told the rest of ‘em to fuck off,” he called on the other side of the door, “So if you wanna talk about it, there’s no peanut gallery.”
“I’m fine!”
“Fucking liar,” he called back, “I wouldn’t be fine if a girl like that walked out of my life. I’d be sick to my stomach. What’s her deal?”
“I fucked up okay?!”
“Obviously,” he chuckled, “But how bad could it be?”
Abby felt particularly resentful of that question. She got up and wrenched her door open. Manny was on the other side, a cavalier smile on his face. Of course when he saw her his smile fell. She knew she looked haggard. She felt it. She waited for him to decide that he wasn’t willing or ready to deal with this much crying but instead he just looked a bit sympathetic.
“Aw, pobrecita,” he breathed.
She recoiled, “Don’t do me like that. I fucked up, and it hurts but I’ll get over it. Shit like this happens to people everyday. I’ve just got to suck it up-”
“She was your best friend, no?” he cut her off, taking the wind right out of her sails.
“... Yeah,” she answered and her voice warbled as a fresh wave of tears wanted to creep up.
“I’ve got a bottle of tequila and a whole evening. Tell me what happened.”
So she did. Manny had probably heard an abridged version of the story from one of their friends, but she gave him the full details. She told him how she always thought you were the prettiest girl she’d ever seen, how she was always excited to be around you, and looking for any reason at all to touch you. All the lengths she’d go to to make you smile, and the way she hung on your every word when you were drunk at a party and she was the one you thought to call to tell her how much you loved her, and how glad you were to be friends. She’d held on to every memory with you so tightly and she thought that was friendship . Now it was so obvious that she was in love. It was embarrassing to admit.
Manny kept his sympathetic expression, taking in her red, blotchy face and all the tissue she’d gone through from blowing her nose and blotting her face. She looked a mess. More than that though, her eyes were distant and unfocused: She looked lost.
“You really like her, huh?” He asked.
“Manny,” she sighed, “Don’t rub it in right now.”
“I’m not. I know what it is to be love sick. It hits you right in the chest, huh? You can’t live without her, don’t want to?”
“I’ve never felt like this before,” she said, “With Owen it’s not like… it’s not like we weren’t still friends. And I don’t know maybe we’re better friends. He was never good at the emotional stuff and fuck I’m not either but she… god I’ve only known her a couple of years but she knows stuff I haven’t told anyone else. We were so close and now I have all this love for her and I don’t know where to put it.”
“It belongs to her. Give it to her,” he said as if it was simple or easy.
“She doesn’t want to see me.”
“That’s where you are wrong. In my experience, a woman’s not done with you until she’s calm about it. She tells you to leave her alone and she can do it without yelling? You’re done. She doesn’t care any more. Your girl cares. She wouldn’t have shown up to the party, or caused a scene if she didn’t. Keep trying. You’ll know when she’s done with you.”
She put her arm over the back of the couch as she usually did, and you would lean into her side resting your head against her chest. She’d put her arm down and wrap it around you. You always said you liked the weight of her arm around you. It made you feel safe. She wanted to be a safe place for you again. You didn’t take the bait though. You were leaning against the arm of the couch, keeping your eyes locked on the screen.
Baby steps, she cautioned to herself. She was already getting more than she thought she would. She stayed where she was but she could tell you were uncomfortable from the way you kept shifting. You were being stubborn. She settled into her spot a bit more, spreading her legs a bit wider.
It was a bit difficult to sit on this couch and not think about the last time she was on it, but things weren’t progressing to that tonight, or ever again. She was just here to get her friend back. That might not ever be in the cards for you two. She might never get to truly feel the supple skin of your thighs in her hands again, or feel them close around her head for the first time. What were the chances you’d even run to her for a hug, or you’d smile at her like she was the only person in the world that could make you happy? She’d really ruined it all. She felt herself getting choked up again. She held her breath, trying to hold back the feelings building up in her chest. Would you go back to texting her throughout the day? Would she see you in the gym again, and if she did would you come over to ‘ooo’ and ‘ahh’ over how much she could lift? Would you give her those girly exercises to do that were always ten times harder than she expected? Or would you be just as stiff and robotic as Owen was to her now? How he’d always been to a certain degree but it would be new for you. Comparing you to Owen was just a bit too much for her and she struggled against the sob building up in her throat. You wouldn’t even look at her. Owen wasn’t her fault, not really. It wasn’t within her control.
“Abs,” you said softly.
She cleared her throat, glancing your way, “Yeah?”
Your eyes were set on her, wide and sad, “Are you alright?”
She scoffed wiping away the tears that fell the very moment you asked the question, “God, no. I feel awful. I feel like such a piece of shit.”
“Stop it,” you ordered shifting onto your knees beside her, “We said we were going to work through it right?”
She nodded, pitifully.
“Then we’re working through it,” you cradled her face in your hands and wiped her tears gently, “We’ll get through it.”
You studied her pitiful expression. Abby was usually so sure of herself. You never saw her vulnerable like this. If she was upset it usually became anger, something she could work out at the gym. This watery sadness wasn’t her. She must really be hurting. It wasn’t in your nature to see Abby hurting and just leave it be.
“You’re breakin’ my heart,” you let your head fall on her shoulder.
“‘M sorry,” she responded, voice shaking with the sobs she was holding back, “I don’t wanna make it hard for you. ‘M so sorry.” She lost her battle against full on sobbing and you let out a heavy breath pulling her into you. You knelt on the couch and had to straddle one of her legs to hug her to you properly. She was slow to hug you back, but once she did, it felt like she was pressing her broken pieces together with yours. For some reason, that felt more correct than just her trying to put you back together. You were two open wounds, two broken hearts, made by the others recklessness. Of course you needed each other to mend. You kissed the top of her head as she shook you with her sobs.
“Sh, sh, you’re all forgiven,” you muttered desperately, “just get it all out.”
All this over you? The knowledge that she’d hurt you, the inability to live with the fact that the two of you were different now. You felt the grief too. It had all been so simple before, but you thought that this was better in at least one way. Everything was out in the open now.
She pulled back after a moment, “I’m good. God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to break down like that,” she said. As you pulled back to look at her she wouldn’t meet your gaze. Her hands were resting on your hips, a natural place for them to go now that she wasn’t clinging to you.
“Look at me, Abby,” you coaxed, gently putting your fingers under her chin. She let you turn her head so you could look at her. Her eyes were startlingly blue now that they were rimmed red from crying. Her nose was red, and her lips pouted in that sad expression that had become so unfortunately familiar these days. You wanted to take it all away. That was the problem. That had always been the fucking problem you loved Abby. Of course you loved her, more than you should, more than was wise or healthy. Because you loved her, you found it impossible to see that she was hurting and just leave it be. Even when you were the cause of that hurt, even when she’d earned the pain. You still wanted to alleviate it.
“What do you want?” you asked her, “Tell me plainly so I can give it to you.”
“You know I want you,” she huffed, turning just a bit so she didn’t have to look at you directly.
“How? How exactly do you want me?” You urged.
“I- I want you , for as long as I can have you. I know that now. I don’t want to see you with anyone else because I want you to be mine and I want other people to know you’re mine.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m so sure.”
You carefully tucked a few strands that escaped her braid behind her ear, “How do you know?”
“I just feel it.” There was something needy and throbbing in her voice. It hit a chord within you. That same weakness that had gotten you into this mess to begin with was trembling begging to crumble your resolve.
“Do you want me?” she asked softly, “Do you still want me?”
“Abby,” you sighed, “if you hurt me I won’t forgive you. We’ll never be anything to each other again. I’ll hate you, and I’ll keep hating you until the day I die.”
“You didn’t tell me,” she sniffed.
“You already know it.”
“I wanna hear it. I need to hear you say it.” She squeezed her eyes shut and more tears flowed over her cheeks and into your palms. The girl was heartbreaking, all good intentions and no tact.
“I want you, Abby, but if you do me like you did again I’ll hate you. And I don’t wanna hate you. So if you’re not sure about this then say so right now.” You kept giving her outs. You wanted her to take them, if that’s what felt right.
“I’m sure. I’m sure now. I’ll stay as long as you’ll have me. I just wanna be with you. I wanna feel you.”
You sighed leaning down to press your forehead against hers in resignation. You were going to give her what she wanted. It was Abby and she was asking for something you wanted to give. She was asking for a future you wanted to live. You wanted to make her smile and kiss her cheeks when she did so. You wanted to be the one who took care of her because she was always too worried about everyone else to do it. You wanted to be the one at her side. How were you supposed to resist that sad little pout, the tears, those pleading blue eyes? Abby wasn’t a crier. You couldn’t fathom how heavy her emotions must be to make her buckle.
Her hands were still on your hips but she was starting to fidget so you lifted your head to look at her again, “We’re a real mess huh?”
Her lips pulled up in a half hearted smile.
“I want all the things that you want,” you admitted, “so what now?”
“Now?…you could kiss me. And we could forget about this last month and we could start over-“
You pressed your lips against hers, cutting off her words. It was an impulse that felt less like a desire more like a desperate need. The two of you were never going to be proper friends, not wanting each other the way you did. It was all or nothing at this point. You’d give it your all, and if it didn’t work out it’d smash both of your hearts into a million pieces. That’s the way it hand to be. You kissed until the need to breathe outweighed your need to kiss her and even then you stole quick gasps in between kisses, making her tip back until she was reclined against the sofa, fingers grasping your sides pulling you closer until there was no space between the two of you. It was difficult to determine if you were lightheaded from the high from kissing or getting dizzy with oxygen deprivation, but you pulled away all the same. Abby’s face was completely flushed. She was slow to blink her eyes open, and when she did her pupils were wide.
“I wanna try,” she began breathlessly, “I wanna make you feel good.”
“Bed?”
She nodded eagerly. You went to get off of her but she stood and picked you up in one motion. You sucked in a surprised gasp at being lifted off of the ground like that. You didn’t think for one second she’d drop you though. It was Abby, her arms were stronger than most guys you knew and she coaxed you into wrapping your legs around her. Maybe it was stupid to fall into this again but you couldn’t endure Abby crying for you and denying her what she wanted. She looked pitiful, and adorable, and you’d wanted to kiss that pretty little pout off of her lips.
She laid you on your bed, between your legs by virtue of the way she picked you up.
“Can I kiss you again?” She asked.
“Is that what you want, Abby?”
“Yes,” she nodded, betraying how eager she was to feel your lips against hers. You curled your finger towards her, beckoning her down to kiss you. She braced her hands on either side of your head, and then lowered to her forearms so that her body was pressed right against yours. She kissed you like her life depended on it, like any moment she’d be torn away from you and this moment would be shattered for her. There was something desperate and hungry in her and it was in your heart to feed it. It ached in your bloodstream, a need to be devoured. Or rather to be savored on the tongue like the last bite of your favorite meal. It was fulfilled in the way Abby nipped your lip, tugging it lightly between kisses. You wrapped your arms around her, pressing your palms to her back, encouraging her to put more of her weight against you.
Her hips settled heavily between your legs, teasing you with the friction you desired. Maybe she wasn’t ready to give that yet, but this was fine. That’s what you were telling yourself, this was fine.
Abby’s hands slid under your top. They were warm, and big, and strong and the firm way she handled you was doing something deeply unfortunate to your psyche. She just felt so good against you. She pulled back and looked at the way her hands were stretching your top as she grabbed your breasts.
“Fuck,” she whispered to herself, meeting your gaze just for a moment. Your head was thrown back and you were pressing your chest into her palms. You didn’t think about how good it would feel to have her hands on you. She abruptly started tugging your shirt over your head. You aided her to the best of your ability. The very moment the garment was off her mouth was on your breasts. She kissed them first. Pushing them together before moving one hand so she could suck your nipple. Her tongue flicked against it before sucking it again.
“Abby,” you breathed, holding her close to your chest by the back of her head. She switched breasts. You didn’t take her for a boob person but maybe you should have. She was always resting her head on your chest before, when the two of you were on the right side of platonic. What a far cry those days were from right now.
Then her mouth started traveling lower, kissing your stomach, all the way to the waistband of your sweatpants. She was pulling those down with your underwear.
“Shit,” you huffed, realizing just how far she intended to go. You could stop her, you knew you could stop her with just a word, or just put your hand on top of hers. Instead, you were lifting your hips to help her get them off of you. She put your leg over her shoulder as she tossed your pants aside.
“You have to tell me how,” she said urgently.
“Abby, you don’t have to-”
“I want to. I don’t know how, so you have to tell me.”
“Okay, okay,” you said in a gentle, coaxing manner. You lifted up on your elbows to look at her, and tried not to squirm at just how intensely she was looking between your legs, “How do you want me, Abs?”
“I wanna taste you.”
You pulled in a slow breath to steady yourself, “Alright, spread me open, use your fingers.” Talking Abby through eating you out was an experience you never could have known to prepare for. She licked up your sex, tentatively making your breath catch in your chest. It didn’t take her long to find your clit and start worrying it with her tongue.
“Fuck,” You sighed, looking down at her, “Feels good, but you’re gonna tire out baby. Suck it, give it a little kiss.”
She did as you said immediately. It didn’t take her long after that to get the hang of it. You put your hand in her hair, keeping her pressed against your sex as she licked and slurped you up. Her eyes were closed and her hands held your thighs tightly to keep you in place even as you rocked your hips against her mouth.
“That’s it,” you praised, “Just like that. Fucking perfect, baby.”
She groaned against you.
“You like that? You like it when I tell you how good you are? You look perfect with your mouth on my pussy sweetheart.”
She held you tighter, moving a bit rougher. She landed a particularly hard suck right on your clit and you cried out before putting your hand over your mouth. You didn’t see but her eyes snapped open at the sound. She was suddenly ravenous for that sound. It felt like you were just on the precipice of a damn good orgasm. What Abby lacked in skill she more than made up for in enthusiasm. Her tongue dipped lower, pressing into your entrance while her nose hit your clit.
In the background you heard your phone ringing on the night stand. You wondered how long it had been ringing. You weren’t in any state to answer it. Instead you were gripping Abby’s hair in a tight fist while you rocked against her mouth. She liked that, she liked the feeling of you using her face to get out. The rougher you were with her the more desperately she moaned against your sex.
Your phone stopped ringing, and almost immediately started ringing again. It was taking you out of the moment. You reached over and snatched it from your nightstand to reject the call without paying attention to who it was. When they called again immediately you had an idea who it was.
Abby pulled back, “Answer it, it might be an emergency.”
You huffed, looking at her as she rested her wet cheek against your thigh. You answered the call.
“Hello?”
“Um? You’re rude. You rejected my call?”
“Yeah, I’m busy, Ells,” you huffed. When you said her name, you felt Abby tense.
“Busy doing what? Moping around your sad little room over a girl who doesn’t want you.”
“ No , I’ll call you back later.”
“No you won’t,” she scoffed, “Why don’t you come over? I’ve got fresh bud from Eugene. It’s the shit you like, baby.”
“I really can’t, Ellie. I am in the middle of something impoooortant,” you fucked up the word as Abby stuck one of her long thick fingers inside of you. You tore your eyes from the ceiling to glare at her. Her wet lips pulled up in a smirk. She replicated what you did to her, curling her fingers inside of you.
“Oh? You touching yourself sweet girl?”
“No, Ellie. Dammit. Be annoying later-”
“She’s busy, Ellie!” Abby called as she reached up and plucked your phone out of your hand, “Stop fucking calling.”
She hung up before you or Ellie could protest. She had her mouth back on you once she tossed your phone aside. She added a second finger going back to sucking and licking your clit. Arousal punched you in the gut and you had to snatch the pillow from under your head to muffle the sounds of your pleasure. Your hand was back in her hair, pulling her right where you needed her to reach your peak.
Abby felt like she was on cloud nine feeling your wet cunt drag against her mouth. When she started out she thought she’d be put off by your taste but honestly it was mild compared to giving head to a guy and you were soft and made the prettiest fucking sounds when she got it right.Your thighs were beginning to press against either side of her head. It was warm like that. Even the hand tugging her hair viciously was welcome. She liked the bite of pain. It was perfect. You were perfect. She could spend all night between your legs, and she didn’t want any more interruptions.
You came with her name on your tongue and it was pure bliss. Your sex was wet and pulsing against her, while your thighs shook and your hips bucked. She threw her free arm over your hips to pin you down so she could keep toying with you. Once she got used to the taste of you there was something kind of addictive to you. Tasting your arousal meant that she was doing a good job and she wanted to do a good job for you.
“Shit,” you sobbed, “That’s enough, Abs. Please,” you pushed her away from her frantically. Only then did she lift her head to look at you. You fell back on the bed again. She watched your bare chest rise and fall dramatically.
“How was that?” Abby asked, kissing your stomach as she crawled up your body.
“So good,” you sighed, reaching out for her. She rested her cheek against your bare breast and you put your hand in her hair again. This time though you found the end of her braid to steal the hair tie and undo her braid. She didn’t mind. You massaged her scalp with your fingers to release the tension from the braid. It felt divine, making her relax against you more thoroughly.
“I’m going to get you back for the phone thing,” you promised.
Abby made a dissatisfied sound, “You said you were busy. She was being pushy.”
“Jealous?”
“Should I be?”
“No. You haven’t said what any of this means.”
Abby frowned, “Yes I did. It means I want to be with you.”
“So what? You like girls now?”
“I haven’t thought that far. I just know that I like you. Is that… Is that okay?”
You took a deep breath, “Yeah. That’s okay, baby,” you said soothingly, “As long as you’re sure about me.”
“I am.”
“Good girl. Guess I owe you one don’t I?”
Abby shook her head, “We’re square aren’t we? From last time.”
You chuckled, “I can’t leave my girl high and dry. You do want me to take care of you don’t you?”
“If you want.”
“No, what do you want?” You lifted your head to look into her eyes. Your fingers were still combing through her hair, and your touch sent shivers down her spine.
“I want you.”
“You want me to fuck you, pretty girl?”
Every time you called her that it felt like her heart was going to leap out of her chest. You were the pretty girl. You had always been the pretty girl. None of her other partners called her something so sweet. She’d gotten used to diminutive terms, “slut, bitch, brat” she didn’t even know how good a sweet name could feel. It prickled against her skin like warm air on a cold day.
She nodded, looking up at you feeling the need well up inside of her. You sat up, petting her hair lovingly.
“Something familiar then? I could fuck you with my strap,” you offered, “I promise I’m a good fuck, sweet thing.”
Her cheeks were on fire at the thought of it, “Okay.”
“Can you get undressed while I get ready?” you asked as you got out of the bed. She didn’t answer with her words instead he just started taking off her clothes. She laid back on the bed, gathering her loose hair to one said. She wished she had the wherewithal to wash it that morning. She’d been too out of sorts to even think that she would wind up in your bed. You came back with the strap on, a towel, and a bottle of lube. She looked at you and noted the condom between your teeth.
“‘Fraid you’ll get me pregnant?” she huffed, with a laugh. You rolled your eyes as you put down the lube to take the condom from between your teeth.
“No, I’m gonna be trying my hardest to do that, Abs,” you winked. She still looked confused so you elaborated, “I clean my strap but you don’t know that. A condom keeps us happy and healthy. In the future, don’t go down on a woman without a dental dam. I let you do it because I know my status. But someone else might not care so much about you, Abs.”
“There’s not gonna be anyone else,” she muttered, looking at the toy in the harness, “how big is that?”
“8… too big?” you asked, “I’ve got a 6 incher.”
“That is not 8. That’s like 10. I’ve seen 8.”
You snorted, “Abby, boys lie. I wouldn’t lie to you about a plastic dick. I’ve got nothing to prove. We can go to 6.”
“No it’s fine,” she shook your head.
“You sure?”
“Yeah,” she nodded but her voice still had a bit of nerves in it. You knocked her legs open a bit more so you could kneel between them. You looked down at Abby’s powerful body and needed a moment. She was trained for peak performance, a vessel of strength, that trembled when you touched her thighs. You let your palms slide down her thighs. Her legs were bent at the knee on either side of you. Her skin was hot to the touch. You were enraptured by the tan line from her rugby shorts, the stark line was charming. Her upper thighs were the color of fresh cream, speckled with a few freckles and her golden body hair. You could tell she was wet as you looked between her legs. You didn’t touch her there though, instead your palms went over her hips, to the cut muscle of her adonis belt. Her stomach flexed under your hands as she tensed. Still you traveled up, touching her small breasts and rubbing your thumbs over her nipples.
“Relax, I’m gonna take care of you.”
You were slow to take your hands away, but you had to put the towel under her just in case. When you’d fingered Abby she got so wet she was leaking on your damn couch. You had plans to make her drip like that again. Next came the lube. You put some on your fingers, and spread her open with your wet fingers. Her clit was all red and puffy, obviously begging for attention. Eating you out must have really done a number on her. You circled it lightly, teasing the little nub and watching Abby grab the sheets.
“Yeah, you need somebody to take care of you. Don’t worry, I can do that.”
You knelt between her legs, lubing up the toy and sticking your fingers inside of her. You teased her spot, getting an idea of where to aim when you fucked her. She tensed, propping up on her elbows. You withdrew your fingers and wrapped your hand around the sparkly lilac cock. It was comically cute to be as big as it was. You slowly pressed into her, lifting your gaze from her sex to her face. Her jaw was slack, nose wrinkled and her eyebrows furrowed. You leaned forward, pressing deeper as you moved her hair out of her face. It fell in heavy waves from the braid and it softened her face to have it down. It made the urge to make her feel good even more pervasive.
“I’m deep I know,” you cooed to her and her eyes rolled back, “relax. I’ve got you.” Your wet hand caressed her stomach. Her abs were tensed with pleasure but your touch was so soft. You started rocking your hips in a sort of up and over motion that hit her spot every time.
“How do you like it, Abs? Slow or fast? You like it rough.”
“Just fuck me.”
You clicked your tongue, “No manners.”
You snapped your hips against hers hard and she cried out, immediately recalling how much you could hip thrust. Her body jolted and you kept going. You grabbed her waist for leverage only to alternate between rubbing up her stomach to grope her breasts and tease her nipples.
“ Fuck,” she growled between clenched teeth at the mind numbing pleasure jolting through her body. It made her toes curl and her eyes roll back.
“Atta girl, I know it feels good.” you huffed above her. You rubbed up to her chest, dug your blunt nails in and scratched down her body. She threw her head back in ecstasy.
“So good, please. Please.”
You put one hand between her legs to rub her clit in sloppy circle just lie she needed. She shook in your hold.
She whined, “Please don’t stop.”
“Aw it’s good huh? My strap feels perfect? Want you to feel me after this. Every step you take I want you to think about the way I pounded this pretty pink pussy.”
She moaned, tensing up as her orgasm hit her. You fucked her through her orgasm, enduring the bruising way she gripped at you. You were sure to have finger shaped bruises on your hip in the morning. You put your all into fucking her. You wanted her to think of this all day tomorrow. If she dared to breathe what happened to another soul you wanted her voice to be laced with awe. You’d never topped anyone this much bigger than you but you had to say it was a power trip. Having big strong Abby whimpering your name and shuddering against your body was a special treat.
Her orgasm felt like it took everything from her, wrung her dry and tossed her down like an old towel. She fell limp on the bed, staring up at the ceiling in a daze. You pulled out of her slowly looking at the way your toy was coated with her arousal. You had to get out of bed to clean up. You went to the bathroom to toss the condom from the toy and wipe down your strap. You would worry about a thorough cleaning later. Next you grabbed your wash cloth and cleaned up a bit before getting a fresh one, wetting it with hot water and going back to the bedroom. She was still laying there like a body at a crime scene.
You chuckled, dragging the warm towel down her inner thighs, cleaning up her arousal there then between her legs.
“Let me have this towel and then we can cuddle, baby,” you said to her and she lifted her hips so you could grab the dirty towel. You threw it all in your laundry then got in bed. After some maneuvering, Abby wound up with her cheek pillowed against your chest, and you were playing with her hair.
“I know we did this all wrong,” Abby began, exhaustion tugging at her voice, “But I’m gonna take you out tomorrow. We’ll do this right.”
“I’d like that.”