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It was a rather common and easy misconception to think the Vulcan way of dealing with emotions was a manifestation of their intellectual superiority. She would always honour Surak‘s teachings but refusing to see how their usage of logic was more a way of not-dealing than a way of dealing seemed to be rather illogical, in her eyes. More a Vulcan way of feeding their inner (and outer) sense of superiority when what lies beneath is an unwillingness, maybe even a lack of braveness, to deal with their emotions. To accept that other species, who are just as emotional deep down as Vulcans are, somehow mastered feeling their emotions while not killing each other. It goes against the fundamental Vulcan belief that they were simply better than others.
If she would happen to mutter the same words under the presence of half her council, they would blame her Romulan mother for that. She can‘t help but feel relieved by the fact that the other half was constituted by Romulans. They would probably tell her how right she was. Being the president of Ni’Var was balancing a tightrope.
Being the president of Ni‘Var while trying to manage emotions was nearly impossible. She knew it would be challenging to do so. But the moment she realised how deeply she felt for Saru she knew she had to try. He would never ask that of her, would never even dare to suggest she might be anything other than logical and calm. But he deserved her bravery, even though it took all her strength.
The result, at least right now, was an alarming lack of sleep. Meditation did only help a bit, she had to accept that opening her gates made meditating a whole lot less helpful in dealing with emotions. But choosing to try and open up while he was away for quite an amount of time had been a choice, as Laira would put it.
Fortunately, she had Laira to deal with this. And, she had to give her that, Laira did amicably. T‘Rina had not expected them to become something she would even call friends, but opening up meant she had needed someone to reflect with. Most of her Ni’Vari aquaintances would be shocked to find out about her newest endeavour, so one day she told her colleague after a few glasses of wine. Turned out, meditating and keeping the mind at a calm and disciplined state also helped with managing the effects of alcohol. The lack of discipline meant she had experienced a far greater effect on herself.
"You should really stop staring at those two unfortunate children. They might get scared.“
"I surely am not staring“, she answered, more a habit that truth. She had been staring in a way that non-Vulcans would judge as rude. Those two young humans had fascinated her. Strolling along the newly built promenade it was impossible not to see those two, trying to hide but kissing in a way that drew not only her attention. She had always found the human habit of putting each others lips against each other odd. Why would that be a pleasant experience, even more so, if one would not be able to talk to each other, as humans so often did? More so, kissing on the lips tended to look like eating each other, a thought she judges as rather unpleasant. All in all, she was staring because she was wondering.
"Trust me, living your own love life through others because you don‘t have one at the moment is a sport I personally invented. It takes one to know one, T‘Rina, and right now you are trying to absorb as much love as you can.“
"What would be the benefit of that, I wonder. Saru is only a holocall away.“
"Yeah, right, we all know seeing someone you miss and not being able to properly touch them is just as good as being with them in person. Of course, you logical heart just exists above earthly things as longing or missing.“ By now she had learned to recognize Laira’s numerous ways of expressing her opinion. Humour, or to be precise, irony and cynicism were two of her most frequent expressive figures.
"What baffles me is the way I miss him more now than I did a few months back. Back then, we had half a year of this left and I was doing okay. Now I get to sleep, not knowing how to handle this even though I know he will be back two weeks from now. It would be more logical to acknowledge the time we already did and properly judge the remaining weeks against the time that has already passed.“
"I agree, that would be logical.“
"It is not about logic, though“, she reminded herself.
"It is not. And yet, you are so brave.“
"I feel weak. I fear it might overwhelm me once he is back.“
"Of course you do, because that is how you were raised. But remember, we are unlearning these things now. Take you discipline and meditation into your council, where its a wonderful thing and I envy you. But you deserve to love, and to feel the love and not suppress it. Did you talk to him about it?“
"He said not to worry, we can take one step at a time.“
"Of course he did. That gallant, time-travelling boyfriend of yours.“
"It sounds pathetic if you put it like that.“
"It is pathetic. And that’s just the way it is supposed to be. Your people invented a whole ritual around mating and bonding and what not, you can‘t convince me this is not exactly the way it is supposed to be for you.“
T‘Rina said nothing. She was busy overseeing her inner battles, her constant struggle to judge if she did right by accepting those emotions, by not simply acknowledge them and letting them go shortly after, but feeling them, dwelling on them, expressing them. The first time she let her miss him was probably one of the worst nights she ever had. He was gone two months by that point, they had talked and he had told her about a form of alien ritual he had witnessed that day, lightyears away from where she was spending her days at the council. He had smiled and said endearing things and after they ended the call she realised she was feeling sad.
Instead of meditating, drinking a cup of tea, accepting it and letting it go, she started to contemplate how sad felt. What kind of impact sad had on her body. Started to feel her pulse quicken, her chest lifting heavingly, the nervous sickness in her stomach. Thinking of him, she made herself thinking about the time they would be spending apart. She made herself realise how that would mean she would not experience things she came to like for a long time. She started pitying herself which she could not remember to have ever done. She did not enjoy the experience. But the next day, when she saw him, even though only for a few minutes, the joy she felt exceeded the joy she had felt the day before. She realised it might be worth it, he might be worth it. It scared her.
"I worry about our future“, she said, matter-of-factly.
Laira raised her ridges. "What about your future worries you?“
"I do have the feeling that letting him go again might be a challenge for me. I am not sure how my duties as the president and this occupation can be executed to satisfaction by a candidate who is always distracted by her emotions.“
"I understand.“
"I will not ask him to step down from his duties on Discovery. He enjoys this job and he is good at it. He should never give up what brings him joy, not for me.“
"I am pretty sure you do bring him joy as well.“
"I do not want him to be in a position where he feels a need to choose between his crew and me. I know he would want to make accommodations for my wellbeing, I cannot let him sacrifice his dreams for me. That would be illogical, and a waste of talent, for that matter.“
"Not that I have a lot of experience in long-term-relationships, but isn’t that the amazing part of it? That with time your dreams change to be shared dreams. That priorities shift and before you realise, you’re part of another life. You moving together in a house that looks like a merge of both your dreams, you share a life and hobbies that are parts of each of your old lives. You grow a family and look into your Children‘s eyes and you realise that you did this. That, I don‘t know, your half-Vulcan-half-Kelpian kids look at you with turquoise eyes and sharp ears and ridges, somewhere in between, and you just know, this is how your dreams merged together?“
T‘Rina felt the emotion, even though placing it turned out to be difficult. Images of Saru carrying a small child on his back, the way he told her his people carry their children. Images of her carrying their child, growing their child, feeling the way they move within her, talking with them. Oh, he would be a devastatingly wonderful father. A part of her emotions now was fear. Mostly, because she knew they would be the first Vulcan-Kelpian couple to have a family. It would create a lot of unrest within her people. There were, after all, still conservative Vulcans who were already raising their sharp eyebrows at her private life. (Granted, this was none of their business, which they, despite their infinite wisdom, did not seem to understand.)
"You have talked about having a family, have you?“
"We have not“
"You want it.“
"I never thought I would want that. After my first husband died before we had children I just accepted that I would not be a mother. Even though there was and is enough time to give birth I simply accepted it, because nothing of this was planned. Saru is different, though.“
"If I‘m being honest, I really see a big problem coming for you if you want to make him leave his family for more than an hour. I don‘t know him as well but he seems to be the perfect family man.“
"He is a Starfleet Captain. Not the most family friendly job, if you ask me.“
"You are a president. Not the most family friendly job, either.“
"No."
"You should talk to him about your fears. And trust him to make the best decision for himself. Should he decide to stay with you, you should accept that. This man captained his crew hundreds of years into the future on a one-way-ticket. He is not one to shy away from bold decisions.“
"His species is shaped by fear and yet he is so much braver than I could ever be.“
Laira smiled at her observation. "He makes you brave as well. Look at you, all crying and feeling and you still haven‘t started a war. If that is not a mighty argument in favour of emotions, I‘m not sure what would be.“
T'Rina thought about her council. "They can never know.“
"Well, if one day you‘re standing there with a bunch of children and a smiling Kelpian husband doting on you they might suspect that emotions have been involved here.“
"Alcohol will be involved, then, to survive that.“
Laira snorted. "Do you have an idea how funny you are?“
"It is a common misconception to think Vulcans have no humour. We have plenty of it. Most derived from stating simple facts. Other species find that rather entertaining.“