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Merlin felt so very lost in the world.
Arthur and Gwen had been married a year when it finally sunk in and he realized he hadn’t been happy in a very long time. Maybe at Gwen’s coronation he had been, but that had been right after they’d fought off Morgana and the Southron’s.
While many people were celebrating, many others were mourning their lost loved ones and their ruined homes. He spent his days helping heal what he could and repair what needed repairing, but all those in the castle didn’t seem to notice. The guards would work their shifts and return home only to work on putting a friend’s house back to rights, while the Knights were secure in their barracks.
Nothing had changed. Not in any way that really showed.
Nobility still got preference on everything, their voices were still heard over all others. Servants were still mistreated and worked to the bone, barely having time to sleep for fear of being late and losing their positions. The first time he was propositioned and promised good money for it, Merlin nearly laughed. But the man looked at him as if daring him to argue or turn him down. He did turn him down, but that didn’t stop his buddies from roughing him up in the armory late one night for thinking he was too good for them.
Gwaine had rescued him.
Of course, Gwaine rescuing him meant that he had to tell him why the men were doing what they were doing. Merlin couldn’t remember anyone looking so angry on his behalf. When Arthur asked about the bruises and why Gwaine was taking out his agitation on the man responsible on the training field, Merlin told him the truth. And it only earned him an annoyed huff from Arthur that Gwaine shouldn’t be retaliating at another knight that fiercely.
“He’s just trying to show him that he doesn’t have the right to take a ‘no’ out on the person who refused his proposition.” Merlin scowled.
Arthur frowned at him and went to run drills with Leon. That’s when Merlin started to realize that no matter what he said, Arthur would still choose his nobility over his staff when it came to voices being heard.
Without really thinking about it, about what he was doing, Merlin left the castle one day and headed for the woods. He needed some air, and some space away from the politics that had taken over his life.
He wandered aimlessly, just listening to the trees bend and creak in the breeze, the animals chittering as they scampered around and watched him. He lost track of the days as one faded into another. They nights fell and stars shifted through the sky, but Merlin barely noticed. His new animal friends brought him fruits and berries and nuts. They showed him water sources where he could drink and bathe and catch some fish.
Merlin’s hair was very long now, draping down his jaw, but it was tangled and a little matted. Well, not matted, exactly. Some birds and squirrels had braided some pieces to be able to hold onto him easier. His face was covered with a beard that the chipmunks liked to hide under. At some point, Aithusa had joined them and enjoyed prancing around him and climbing his shoulders to reach higher toward the trees. He had no idea where the little dragon had been, but he was happy they were together.
He didn’t have a house, or a place that he called home, exactly, aside from the woods he slept in while the wolves he’d joined would watch over him. When the weather turned colder, they would huddle over and around him. They had wandered to the north further than Merlin had traveled before, but he was curious. The wolves wanted to show him their territory, and Aithusa was excited to see it as well. They stuck together as they walked through the snowy landscape.
Merlin froze when the wolves formed up around him, their hackles raised as they faced ahead of them. Merlin and Aithusa crouched down among them and kept their eyes peeled for whatever drew their companions attention. Merlin was shocked at the mass of people that were making their way through the snow toward a strange tower that he had thought abandoned. He had been away from people so long now that he wasn’t sure he even remembered how to speak with anyone.
He watched for a few sunrises as more and more people disappeared inside the tower. The wolves would go off in pairs and bring back fresh meat to keep them fed while they watched. They crept close to the tower when there was a flurry of activity. It was really strange to see so many people in such a strange secluded place, but he couldn’t stay away. He felt drawn to something inside. Between the wolves and Aithusa, the men standing guard were dispatched quickly and quietly. They crept inside and found men working underground, digging and breaking rocks. Merlin looked at them curiously.
He whistled a few short notes and the wolves took off, getting rid of the men holding whips and swords. He picked the fallen weapons up and handed them over to some of the men who had been digging, encouraging them to take them and be free. Aithusa stayed close to his side as they walked cautiously through the tunnels towards the strong feeling calling to him. It was a blue creature that seemed to glow, but smiled at him fondly. It touched its head and motioned toward him.
Hello, Emrys.
Merlin startled at the low, raspy voice he heard in his head.
I confess I was expecting you with your King or the knights, not alone.
My King? Merlin thought the words, but they felt strange.
You are lost, Emrys. But your King still strives to make the world you once wished to build. He needs your help, your guidance.
I … I have no King? I don’t think? I’m unsure. In nature, there are no Kings. Only pack leaders.
Then your mortal pack leader needs you. Find him before She does.
She?
The High Priestess and the Druid. Take the Druid. Teach him what you know. What you have learned. And you may yet save them both.
Can I bring my pack?
Of course, Emrys.
The creature bowed to him and disappeared in another cave, leaving him and Aithusa in the dark. They shared a confused look before turning around and stopping at the surprised and shocked faces of two men staring at them. Merlin placed himself protectively in front of his dragon.
“Merlin?” The blonde man said, and Merlin tilted his head. That voice was familiar, but Merlin couldn’t remember why.
“Sire, we must … get you … out of here.” The other man said haltingly, as he put a shaking hand on the blonde man’s shoulder. He had long swishy dark hair and pretty brown eyes. Merlin stepped forward cautiously and reached a hand up touching the long hair that looked soft. He grinned when it was as soft as it looked. “Come with us, Merlin. Please.” The man asked, a lone tear leaking out of his eye.
Merlin looked back at Aithusa, whose wings and tail were wrapped around him, much like a toddler clinging to their parent.
“Come?” Merlin asked, opening and closing his mouth a few times, feeling the unfamiliar syllables roll off his tongue.
“Is it safe?” The blonde man asked.
“Safe.” Merlin nodded, stroking Aithusa’s neck lovingly.
Merlin whistled and his wolves arrived, stationing themselves around them. Merlin and Aithusa led the way out of the caverns, not encountering this Priestess he was warned of. When they reached the surface once more, several men surrounded the blonde man and his companion while Merlin, Aithusa, and their wolves backed away to avoid feeling trapped.
He crouched down and the wolves sat around him protectively as Aithusa continued clinging to his side, shaking with either fear or excitement, Merlin didn’t know which. The man with the pretty eyes and soft hair came over with his hands raised. He had a fur coat on that had been handed to him when they’d made it outside. He crouched down to be eye level with Merlin.
He looked at Merlin like Merlin was a star fallen to the earth.
“Do you know who I am?” He asked, holding his hands out to appear non-threatening.
“Know?” Merlin asked, head tilted. “F- frien- friend?” Merlin said, sounding the word out.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m a friend, Merlin. You are Merlin, right? You can cover your face with hair, which is amazing, by the way, but you can’t hide those sharp cheekbones and shining, ocean blue eyes.” The man smiled at him and something clicked in Merlin’s head. Memories slotted in place of this man in a tavern, running through the woods, sitting by fires, and riding horses together.
“Gawaine.” Merlin said, testing out the name, but frowning. That didn’t sound quite right. “G-waine.”
“That’s right.” The man said, looking close to tears. “I’m Gwaine. And I’ve missed you. So much, Merlin.”
“Gwaine.” Merlin said, smiling at the way the name felt on his tongue. Merlin patted Aithusa gently and nodded at her. “Aithusa.”
“Aithusa. That’s a lovely name for such a lovely little dragon. Has Merlin been taking care of you?”
Aithusa looked up at Merlin happily, before turning back to Gwaine and leaning toward him.
“Pack.” Merlin said, motioning to the wolves who were parting slightly to allow Gwaine to come closer.
“They’re beautiful and fierce. Like you.”
The lead wolf, Merlin called him Alastor, stepped forward, teeth bared at Gwaine, before circling him. He turned around and gave Merlin a sharp bob of his head as he retook his guarded stance.
“Safe.” Merlin sighed, reaching forward and touching Gwaine’s face tentatively.
“Gwaine, we need to go. Morgana could be back any moment and we can’t fight her.” The blonde man said, coming over, and Merlin scooted back into the midst of his wolves. The blonde man startled at the action and his eyes flashed with hurt. Merlin frowned.
“Will you come with us, Merlin?” Gwaine asked gently, touching his face where Merlin had touched him.
“Come with?” Merlin repeated uncertainly.
“Yes. Come with us. To Camelot.” Gwaine asked, still holding his cheek.
“Cam-e-lot?” Merlin sounded out frowning. “Why?”
“There are some people there who would like to see you.” The blonde man said quietly, kneeling down beside Gwaine.
“People.” Merlin said with disgust evident on his face. Apparently it was amusing because the blonde man laughed and Gwaine grinned.
“Yeah, people.” Blonde man agreed. “Do you, er, do you know who I am?”
Merlin studied his face, but wasn’t sure quite what his name was. He knew it was there, in his head, but he was sure he was missing some letters.
“Art’r?” Merlin said hesitantly.
“Close enough.” The blonde man replied with a breath of relief. “We can talk more when we get the others home.”
“Get them … safe?” Merlin asked, looking over at the others who were gathering what supplies they could and preparing for a journey.
“Yes. Safe.” Art’r agreed. “Gwaine will stay with you, if you’d like?”
“Like Gwaine.” Merlin nodded, looking at the dark eyed man earnestly.
“You always did.” Art’r sighed, patting Gwaine on the shoulder and having some sort of silent conversation with him before getting up and walking back to the others and giving them directions.
The wolves gathered around Merlin and Gwaine, Aithusa walking between them, curious about Gwaine. They stayed back from the main group, Merlin not wanting to be too close to them, the wolves not wanting to be too near them either. It took several days, but they arrived at a forest that felt familiar. Merlin frowned as he looked around as if there would be a clue as to why it felt that way.
He froze at the edge of the woods when the castle came into view, backing up a few steps.
“It’s alright, Merlin.” Gwaine said gently, squeezing his arm.
“S-” Merlin gulped, looking at Gwaine with wide, pleading eyes, “scared.”
“I know.” Gwaine said with a soft smile. “I know. It’s ok to be scared. The pack is with you, though. So is Aithusa. So am I. We’ll keep you safe, yeah?”
“Promise?” Merlin asked, trying not to let his fear out too much. His magic did funny things when he was afraid.
“I promise.” Gwaine swore. And Merlin believed him. He didn’t know why, but he did. Art’r kept looking back, as if searching for them, but continued on his way to the front of the castle. The people looked at him with wonder as he passed by, and Merlin looked at them in confusion.
“Why they look so …” Merlin couldn’t find the right words.
“The people love their King.” Gwaine said quietly, keeping a protective hand on Aithusa as they walked behind the procession.
“King?” Merlin asked in confusion.
“Yeah, Merls. King Arthur Pendragon of Camelot.”
“Merls?” Merlin said, scrunching his face up, making Gwaine laugh. Merlin quite liked the sound.
“Sorry.” Gwaine apologized, but he was smiling brightly at Merlin.
When they got to the castle, for it couldn’t be anything else, Arthur, not Art’r, was hugged tightly by a woman in a very bright purple dress. It reminded Merlin of the violets that were in a meadow he’d found. The King whispered something to her, and then her eyes landed on Merlin, causing him to falter in his steps. Her eyes were wide and watery.
Gwaine stepped protectively in front of Merlin and Aithusa, the wolves surrounding them.
An older man appeared on the steps, who covered his mouth. Merlin looked at him curiously, stepping out from behind Gwaine to get a better look at him.
“Da?” Merlin asked hesitantly, but the old man’s eyes welled with tears and he rushed down the steps as much as he could, the wolves parting around him easily. “Da?” Merlin asked again, reaching up to touch his white hair and wrinkled face.
“Close enough, my boy.” The man said, reaching forward and wrapping Merlin in a tight hug.
Merlin looked at Gwaine over his shoulder with wide eyes, but he hugged back loosely.
“Gaius was your guardian for many years.” Gwaine said quietly.
“Da?” Merlin asked again, and Gwaine nodded.
“Gwaine, could you, erm, see if he is able to join us in the council chambers?” Arthur asked carefully, holding the woman in the colorful dress back by her hand.
“Why?” Gwaine asked defensively.
“I-” Arthur paused when there was pressure on his hand, “We would like to talk to him. Find out what happened, why he left.”
“Left?” Merlin asked, leaning back from Gaius. “Here?”
“It’s a long time ago, now, Merlin.” Gaius said gently. Merlin backed away a bit and crouched down among the wolves again, frowning, while Aithusa chittered to him softly.
“I left.” Merlin said curiously. “Lost.” He continued carefully, frowning. “Unhappy. Con- confused.”
“It’s alright, Merlin.” Gwaine said, reaching out and touching Merlin’s head affectionately.
“Lost.” Merlin repeated, looking down at his hands. “Lost.”
“Did you get lost, Merlin?” The woman in the pretty dress asked, kneeling down.
“Here.” Merlin said, pointing to his head then moving his hand to tap his heart. “And here. Lost.”
She covered her mouth with her hand, silent tears streaming down her face.
“How does a bath sound, Merlin?” Gwaine asked, tipping Merlin’s head up to look at him.
Merlin looked at his wolves in confusion.
“They can come, if they’d like, but I don’t think they’d all be comfortable in my room.” Gwaine offered.
“Come, Alastor? Aerick?” Merlin asked, looking at the biggest wolf and a slightly smaller one. Alastor looked at the men then back at Merlin yipping a few times. Most of the wolves, aside from Alastor and Aerick, ran back to the woods. “Alright.” Merlin nodded, standing up and standing as close to Gwaine as he could.
Gwaine led him through winding corridors of stone with fire sconces lit along the way. He started to feel trapped and found his breath coming in short gasps. He tugged at his shirt uncomfortably. Once he was inside Gwaine’s room, he looked around, curious to know more about the man. Alastor and Aerick leapt onto his bed and made themselves at home. Aithusa hopped up and joined them, settling between them. Merlin began undoing his clothes and dropping them on the floor as he walked further in.
Gwaine seemed to watch his every move, eyes going wide as Merlin stripped, uncaring of his nudity. His face was flushed prettily.
“Alright, Gwaine?” Merlin asked in confusion.
“Yeah.” Gwaine cleared his throat, looking away. “Yes. Erm, the bath is behind the screen, but I still have to send for water.”
“No.” Merlin said, waving his hand at the idea. He held a hand over the tub and pulled water to it from the nearest water source, warming it a bit. He stepped in and ducked his head under, soaking his hair as much as he could. There were several bits of grass and twigs still trapped in his hair that he had to pick out, but Gwaine stopped him.
“Can I?” He asked hesitantly. Merlin nodded slowly and sat back, letting Gwaine carefully work through it. “So.”
“Yes?” Merlin encouraged, feeling rather relaxed in the warm water.
“You have magic.” He said quietly. Merlin frowned and looked at him over his shoulder.
“I am magic.” He replied.
“That’s why you were scared. Why you felt lost. Why you left.” Gwaine said understandingly. Merlin was sure he was missing something. He’d been away from people so long maybe that’s why he didn’t understand.
“I am magic. And Dragonlord.”
“I figured.” Gwaine hummed, picking up something square that smelled good and left bubbles in his hair and in the water.
When Gwaine was done washing him and rinsing him off, Merlin stood up and allowed Gwaine to dry him off. Gwaine seemed flustered as he kept biting his lip.
“Alright, Gwaine?” Merlin asked, tilting his head.
“Just never thought I’d get you naked in my room.” Gwaine admitted, and Merlin smirked.
“Just naked?” Merlin asked, stepping closer to Gwaine, enjoying how the man clearly desired him but seemed afraid to do anything about it. But that’s not how things worked in the pack. Desire meant mating. Mating meant a partner, a family. “Pretty.” Merlin breathed, cupping Gwaine’s face.
“You’re making it very hard for me to not-”
“Pretty.” Merlin insisted and leaned his head in Gwaine’s hair when he was backed against the wall.
“I really should have a bath too.” Gwaine croaked, but his hands rested on Merlin’s waist, his thumbs rubbing his bare hips.
“After.” Merlin insisted, scraping his teeth along Gwaine’s jaw. “After.” He said, as if it were a promise, before slotting his mouth over Gwaine’s.
“The wolves. Aithusa.” Gwaine gasped, pulling away, as Merlin rocked their bodies together. Merlin nodded his head toward the furs that Gwaine had laid out in front of the empty fireplace. With a look, there was a blazing fire going as Merlin pulled him from the wall. When his eyes flashed gold, he felt a swooping feeling of victory as he saw Gwaine’s resolve crumble. Merlin desired Gwaine, and he wanted him before he would be forced to think of a past he barely remembered. Of time that he no longer kept track of.
“Merlin-” Gwaine whined, but stopped when his clothes disappeared and Merlin pulled him down on top of him.
“No more talk.” Merlin said firmly, pulling him in for another kiss.
At some point, there was a knock on the door, but Aerick jumped against it, not letting whoever it was come in when they’d started opening the door. She growled warningly, and there was a sound like a terrified squeak before they were gone.
When Merlin and Gwaine lay panting next to each other, content and boneless, Merlin couldn’t help but smile at the other man.
“We never?” He asked curiously.
“No. Never.” Gwaine said, still gasping. “But gods I wanted to.”
Merlin hummed and leaned over, keeping eye contact with Gwaine, biting his shoulder right by the joint and leaving an imprint of his teeth.
“Mine.” He growled.
“Always.” Gwaine agreed, appearing satisfied with being claimed. “I definitely need a bath now. Don’t move, I’ll be back.” He kissed Merlin firmly before getting up from the floor. Merlin waved a hand cleaning and rewarming the water for him. Now that he had him, Merlin was determined to make sure his mate stayed with him. And that meant keeping him happy. There was a shout of thanks before there was a splash.
When Gwaine came back, he was clean and water was dripping from his hair. Merlin got up and ran his fingers through it, his eyes flashing gold as his magic wove some of it into braids. They redressed and headed for the door. Merlin gave a whistle and the wolves and Aithusa were behind them and in front of them.
They must have looked intimidating, because anyone they met along the stone filled walk quickly stepped into another corridor looking frightened. Merlin looked around the room curiously when they entered, letting Gwaine approach the King.
“Art’r.” Merlin said with a nod at the blonde man now sitting in a chair beside the woman. Merlin tilted his head as he stared at her. She was quite pretty, and her name felt like it was on the tip of his tongue; as if he knew her. “Gw’n.”
“I don’t believe it.” A man whispered, standing slightly beside the chairs, watching Merlin with wide eyes.
“Le’n.” Merlin said thoughtfully, before looking around. “Per- perc-” Merlin clucked his tongue irritatedly, not quite able to say the name of the very large man next to Le’n. “Per-c’val. El-y-n”
“It’s really him.” Perc’val said in awe.
“Merlin?” Art’r said gently. Merlin looked at him expectantly. “You’ve been gone for more than two years from Camelot. We searched for you. Where did you go?”
“Nowhere.” Merlin said honestly. “Everywhere. Looking. Wandering. Searching.”
“Searching for what?” Art’r asked.
“Hm.” Merlin hummed, trailing a hand over Aithusa. “Self.” He said certainly. “Life. Meaning.”
“Why did you leave?” Gw’n asked suddenly, looking hurt. Merlin frowned.
“Told you. Lost.” Merlin said, touching his head and heart again. “Couldn’t reme- rememb- remember why stayed. Lonely, sad, angry, scared and lost. Didn’t understand. Had no place.”
“What do you mean ‘had no place’?” Le’n asked in confusion.
“No place for M’lin.” Merlin looked around the room some more and could almost remember the old angry king that had been there before. “Purg’d.”
“Purged?” Gw’n asked, looking perplexed instead of hurt.
“Old man was killing magic.” Merlin said angrily. “Killing innocent. Hurt. Here.” Merlin tapped his heart again. “Lost self.”
“Magic is illegal in Camelot.” Art’r said with a frown.
“Magic is nature.” Merlin countered. “Is nature illegal?”
“I don’t understand.” Gw’n interrupted, standing up. “You left because Uther purged magic?”
“Lost.” Merlin repeated with a frown. “Magic part of nature, yet evil? Nature, evil? No. Men evil. Men corrupt. Men abuse and use others for their gain. Warned you. Warned you of plots, of evil, of danger. M’lin ignored. M’lin didn’t matter. Not here in cold, stone rooms. No reason to stay.”
“What? What did you warn about?” Le’n asked, putting a cautious hand out to Gw’n to get her to sit back down.
“Angry magic. Angry men. Trying to kill Art’r. Always trying to kill Art’r. No one listened but Da. Tried to help, tried to stop plots, but … M’lin’s voice ignored. Servant.” Merlin shuddered at the word as his memories tried to realign, but he didn’t want them back. “If magic not welcome, but evil, corrupt men welcome, why stay?”
“Magic is illegal, Merlin.” Art’r repeated and Merlin rolled his eyes, clearly not having gotten his point across.
“Then M’lin illegal.” He growled. “You choose to be born King? No? It’s not chosen. Just is. Or did old-man-king kill innocent pups for fun?”
“Kids, Merlin.” Gwaine said gently. Merlin clicked his tongue and nodded.
“Kids. Not pups, kids. Right. Kids not choose to be born Druids or magic. Just were. Same as you. Yet they are illegal. If M’lin illegal, why stay? Why let men hurt me for being born?” Merlin looked around the room and saw recognition and fear in some people’s faces. He let out a sigh before grabbing Gwaine’s hand. “Leaving. Still no place for M’lin with scared, stupid, angry men.”
He turned to leave, dragging Gwaine with him, but the men at the doors blocked the way. Aerick and Alastor let out low growls that had them shaking, but otherwise not moving.
“You have magic.” Art’r said quietly, but the room was silent and the words seemed to echo.
“I am magic.” Merlin corrected. “Born of nature and light. Used to play with it. Used to be fun. Then came here.” Merlin gestured around the chamber. “Told it was wrong. Told it was corrupt and fearful. Stayed for friends and family. But felt weaker and … trapped and lost. Couldn’t stay. Couldn’t remember who I was. WHY I was. Would I still be friend, family, if you knew? No. Wouldn’t. Would be sent away or killed for being born wrong. Bath was nice. Seeing Da was nice. Leaving now.” Merlin inclined his head and turned back to the blocked doors, and the men parted when Aerick snarled and snapped her teeth.
Gwaine was quiet the whole time he was dragged along, but once they were outside, he tugged on Merlin’s hand and smiled at him proudly.
“Where to first?” He asked excitedly.
“Wherever we want.” Merlin shrugged, smiling back. “Come.”
“Always, Merls. I’m with you.” He promised, and Merlin felt a happiness he couldn’t remember experiencing before.
“With me.” He whispered, squeezing Gwaine’s hand and leading him toward the forest.
They stopped by the treeline when the sound of horses caught their ears. Art’r, Perc’val, Le’n, and Elyan appeared, looking panicked.
“Wait!” Art’r called. “Please, just wait.”
“What can we do for you, sire?” Gwaine asked, angling himself slightly in front of Merlin.
“I need to know more. About Merlin and magic.” Art’r said a bit breathlessly.
“Seek the Druids.” Merlin said, frowning. “M’lin and Gwaine go.”
“Just, wait, please?” Art’r pleaded and he dismounted. “I need to know more. I need to know what you’ve done for my kingdom, what you gave to stay.”
Merlin wasn’t sure what to say, but he didn’t want to stay anymore. The forest was calling him back. He stepped around Gwaine and stopped in front of Art’r, looking him in the eyes.
“I gave everything I had.” He said certainly. “Talk to the Druids for answers. When ready, Gwaine can lead me back.” He nodded and turned again, leaving the stunned troupe behind and disappearing in the woods.
He had been lost for a very long time. Perhaps Gwaine could fix that and they could return. He had nothing left to give those other people. When Gwaine kissed his knuckles and smiled at him, he finally felt like he might be able to find himself again.