Work Text:
Blood. Again, blood everywhere. Once again he had her blood on his hands, he was again woken up by a group shinobi from Konoha which finally came to their aid but were too late.
He was covered with it, the smell was overwhelming. He knew why Rin was dead – he did it, he killed her, ripped a hole through her chest, his arm was elbow deep in her body and they were surrounded, there were no way to run or hide…
Who killed them? It was not Kakashi for sure.
There were dozens of them. All jounins, all ANBU against them two – he was barely thirteen, a kid-jounin and chuunin. Surrounded, outnumbered – ambushed. Was that how a fox felt like chased down by a pack of dogs?
Who killed them – he almost felt the strain in his throat again when he screamed the same question over and over again, kneeling next to Rin. He knew they were watching him. They must had been thinking he was insane. Maybe he was. For all he knew he could be, he very much felt the last drop of sanity dripping down the hair on his nape, mixed with blood.
He had not seen anyone since that mission. He did show up on the funeral of course, but he pretty much run away when he heard the whispers. Nobody even tried to be discreet with the accusations. His friends – old classmates – were crying. He did not have the courage to look his teacher in the face, he fled when Kushina-san tried to talk to him – how could he not when he was the reason her favorite from the team were dead? She adored Obito, she loved Rin like her own.
He did not open his door when someone visited; not for Minato sensei and his wife, and not for Gai who threatened to tear the doors down if he would not answer. He did not, but Gai did not forced himself inside either.
Maybe he should had done it. Maybe he could talk to him, shared how he felt – that was what they did when Gai’s father sacrificed himself. Maybe Gai would force him to open up, drag him outside. Maybe, just maybe, if he had let himself be seen, he would not woke up screaming again.
It was alright. He was living alone, the only one who could see him like that was the ghost of his father lingering somewhere in the corners of the house. Maybe his mother’s picture which he had not seen in years since he closed the door to the room in which his father was kind enough to kill himself. He could barely remember her face he knew only from that one photograph.
Except that he was not alright, his heart would not stop pounding, his ears were ringing, every breath felt like fire and he could not see straight… Because he was seeing things, right? He was just seeing things, he could not possibly wake up covered in red gore, he spent the night right there, on the floor in his kitchen, he did not –
Another choked breath escaped his lips. He stared wildly at his bare, shaking hands. Were they red? Was is just from the Sharingan? Everything was tinted red when he was using it… No, no matter which eye he closed his palms were still deep red, dripping.
He tossed the duvet and stumbled to the sink, sobbing. He needed it off. When his hand would be clean again, he would stop crying, because he should not – he could not. Shinobi do not cry, no matter the circumstances. Not even when they wake up screaming before dawn and the damn blood won’t come off.
It was not enough. He turned the tap off and hurried to the bathroom, untangling himself from the big t-shirt he threw on top of the masked tank-top. He started filling the wooden basin with hot water. Without waiting for it to be full, he scrambled in, tossing the pants aside and grabbed his washcloth. Since just water did not help, some soap and a good scrub should do.
He did not feel the sting of temperature nor aggressive rubbing the rag against his skin. Palms, arms, shoulders – he scrubbed his face and neck raw before he finally turned the water off. His stomach and legs were already red from the steaming bath, but he brushed them angrily for good measure as well. Eventually, he finally calmed down enough to take a few deep breaths and rinse his face for the last time. Every inch of his body was tingling uncomfortably either from the scalding water or from mad rubbing with the washcloth, but most importantly, he could not see red anymore. Just like he thought, it went off with a good wash and soap.
Since he was in the tub anyway, he slid deeper under the water – he was above the surface only from his eyes up. He could hold his breath for quite long, drinking in the frantic pulsing throughout his body. He was a little dizzy, wonderfully lightheaded.
One, two, three… One, two, three…
With a deep sigh he finally decided to pull himself out of the water. His fingers were all wrinkly already, he looked like a lobster and his body felt like it was made of lead.
The pajamas ended up in the laundry basket. He produced a fresh change of clothes before returning to the kitchen. It was not even five in the morning, but he rolled up the futon - he would be getting up in an hour anyway, there was no use in lying back down again. When he dealt with his bed, he inspected the fridge. He was not particularly hungry, but he knew he should eat. Sadly he had this stupid habit of having ingredients instead of food and he was far from feeling like cooking.
He grabbed a tomato and just took a bite. It did not matter if he cut it into pieces first, food was still food. He found an instant soup in the cabinet next to the sink – he always had a few in case he was hungry and did not have time – or energy – to cook for whatever reason. He sat down on the floor, resting his back on the cabinet door and gave the package a few squeezes.
He was halfway through his pathetic breakfast – not only he was unable to sleep like a normal person, but cooking was too much as well - munching away on the tomato and uncooked pasta when his gaze lingered on the group photo of his dead friends and Minato-sensei. He took off his slipper and threw it at the photo, toppling it over so he would not see it anymore.
The tomato stalk and the bag from instant soup ended up in the trashcan and Kakashi grabbed a kitchen rag. He needed something to keep himself busy. He opened every cabinet, took everything out and wiped clean every shelf. He reorganized his spices and food supplies. He even washed the tops of the cabinets hanging on the walls. The windows were next. He opened them wide, letting the fresh air and the first rays of sunshine inside. He spent some time on his fours, scrubbing the floor with an old toothbrush.
Once he was done, he grabbed the broom to deal with the floors. He was felling restless, sitting was annoying and he felt like crying when he did. It was a bit better when he was moving and doing something with his hands. Watching the repetitive movements was soothing, making his mind go blank.
He jumped, gripping the broom, when he heard knocking on the door.
‘I know you’re in there!’ said the familiar voice of his teacher. Kakashi’s grip on the broomstick tightened. ‘I saw you through the window, Kakashi. I think it’s time you come out and talk to me. Or anyone, really. It’s been over a week.’
Kakashi let out a pained sigh, and still holding the broom, he slowly walked to the front door. The lock clicked quietly when he turned it open and inevitably he found himself looking in Minato-sensei’s face. He picked the nose. It was a safe spot to look at, almost in the eyes but not quite.
‘Good morning, Kakashi’ He smiled at him – as usual – but it felt different. Something clenched uncomfortably in Kakashi’s stomach. ‘You got us pretty worried.’
‘Unnecessarily’ He propped himself on the broom. He looked at something next to Minato’s ear. ‘What do you want, sensei? A mission?’
‘No, you’ve got time off’ he assured, still smiling. ‘I’m just checking on you.’
‘Well, I haven’t followed my father’s steps yet, so you can rest assured’.
Minato frowned a little, clearly worried. Kakashi sighed.
‘…It was a joke.’ He looked away.
There was a moment of tense, awkward silence. Now that somebody showed up again, Kakashi wanted them to go away immediately and stay at the same time. Maybe if he was dragged outside and forced to socialize, the reality would stop be a crushing weight on his shoulders.
‘Put your shoes on.’
‘What?’
‘You’re coming with me.’
Kakashi eyed him carefully.
‘…Why?’
Minato sighed, propping his arms on his hips.
‘Because it’s time for breakfast and I know for a fact that you haven’t left your house for a week straight.’ He nodded towards the boy’s shoes. ‘You either play along and go on your own, or I’ll carry you …’
‘Ugh, FINE’ he groaned, turning around. He had to put away the broom first. ‘I don’t need you to carry me. I have legs’ he grumbled angrily and wiped his eyes.
He closed the door on his way out, still putting the last shoe on. The weather was almost offensive – the sun was shining brightly, leaves on the trees were dancing lazily in warm strokes of the wind. The sky was just like Kakashi liked it the most – deep blue with some clouds chasing each other and hiding the sun from time to time. He used to spend quite a lot of time on one of the stone heads on the Hokage wall (so much closer to the sky) just watching the clouds passing by.
The last two years he spent mostly staring down at the memorial stone.
For the first ten minutes they walked in silence. Kakashi was glad that sensei did not ask him how he was feeling. What was he supposed to say? That he was fine, except for the nightmares so he did not have a full night sleep since then? That he kept cleaning his clean house just to keep his hands busy and mind blank because otherwise he would go insane? Oh, or maybe that the remains of his father’s tanto really attracted his attention recently, as well as the closed door? He was not only dreaming about Obito dying in that stupid cave or about blood pooling around his feet when he found his father, but now he also had the terror in Rin’s eyes to haunt him at night.
‘Kakashi’ as expected, Minato was the first to break the silence. ‘I have a quite good understanding on how you feel now’ he said with an awfully soft, non-judgmental voice. Kakashi flinched – he would prefer to be screamed at. ‘And I’m really sorry I couldn’t be there when you needed me.’
Kakashi pressed his lips in a line, taking a slow breath to chase away the stinging in his eyes. Minato-sensei really should yell at him instead.
‘You were on a mission’ he said with a forced shrug. ‘I’m a jounin.’ He chewed on his inner cheek. ‘It’s war, you can’t babysit me forever. I don’t need a babysitter.’
‘War or not, it is painful to witness your friends death.’
Kakashi scoffed.
‘You can put it that way.’
Minato stopped and grabbed his student’s arm, forcing him to stop as well. He turned the boy to make eye contact; he wobbled on his feet, caught off guard. Sensei would rarely even touch his arm, knowing he did not like physical contact.
‘Kakashi’ said Minato slowly, carefully watching the only visible bit of face in front of him. He gripped his shoulders a bit tighter, forcing him to stay where he was. He swallowed, meeting the dead, empty stare of his last student. ‘Nobody blames you for what happened. Caring for your wellbeing and safety on missions is not babysitting.’
Kakashi shrugged his hands off.
‘Yeah, nobody blames me. I was just doing my thing, right? Following orders. Mission goes first, everyone knows that, so nobody is surprised I killed my friend to –’
‘That’s not what I meant’ he sharply cut the boy off. ‘I know what people’s been saying, and frankly, the only people who are, don’t even know what actually happened and know you only from rumors.’
‘My reputation precedes me.’ He took a step back and turned around, resuming the walk. He should be proud he was able to keep his voice in check when all he wanted to do was to scream and wail. ‘First I was the genius kid, the prodigy! Then my daddy decided to be a sorry looser, so I got promoted to be the son of the traitor. But no worries, the brat is obsessed with rules! He might not defy orders, but watch out, he’ll sacrifice you on the spot. I got so bold under your protection that I stole Sharingan – yes, I do know what the Uchiha think about me - and now I’ve been running around and killing my teammates on a whim.’ He waved his hand. ‘I’ve heard it all too, Minato-sensei.’ He put both hands in his pockets. ‘It’s fine’ he lied.
Minato sighed quietly, letting his shoulders drop. Just as Kakashi was finally doing better with his peers – he could see him around with them, meeting for a snack or training, laughing and joking around despite what happened with Obito; almost as he learned something valuable from that tragedy – the boy took ten steps back again.
It was only a week, he reminded himself. It was a fresh wound, another death around him, of course he was hurting and needed time – he was still a kid. Minato could only hope he would not lost himself in it.
He joined him, resuming the stroll on the boy’s right side. Kakashi hated when someone would walk beside him on his blind side.
Minato could not pretend to not see the stares they were getting from people when they found themselves on one of the busier streets of the village. The bustle seemed overwhelming at first after the quiet of outskirts; Kakashi visibly cringed and uncomfortably raised his shoulders.
‘What’s is this about’ he asked suddenly, glancing up at his teacher. ‘You said I have time off.’
‘Hmm, that’s true. It’s not a mission.’ He smiled at him. ‘I’m taking you for breakfast. Kushina’s making tamagoyaki today. I know you like it.’
Kakashi looked away, deciding against giving any answer. He really did not want to see her, he knew how much she adored Rin and Obito, and all she was left with was him. She was probably thinking it should be the other way around. He thought that too. If Obito did not push him out of the harms way, they all would be fine. Rin would be just fine too, he was sure of it – Uchiha would not even let her be kidnapped in the first place. Everybody would be better off without him. What was he even bringing to the table? He was not approachable, he was not likeable. All he had was his dumb pride, an old, tatty book of rules and a cold shoulder. He was too scared to actually acknowledge friends, so his feelings would not get in the way during a mission.
‘Kakashi!’ called a familiar voice from a dango shop they were approaching. Kurenai waved at them. ‘Minato-sensei, good morning!’
‘Hello!’ the man smiled widely at them, stopping by. ‘It’s one of your dango days, isn’t it? Morning, Asuma!’
‘Morning, sensei! Hi, Kakashi!’
Kakashi only muttered some response, avoiding looking in their direction. How they still wanted to have anything to do with him was baffling. How come they still did not notice that everyone he got close too was dying?
‘Only the two of you today?’
‘Genma should show up soon, and Gai is going to join us when he’s done with his crazy laps around the village’ laughed Kurenai.
‘He’s insane’ agreed Asuma with a grin and gulped down a whole dango ball. He got red on the face when it got stuck for a moment; Kurenai slapped him in between shoulder blades to help him push it down and start breathing again.
‘That’s not the word I’d use’ noticed Minato, amused. ‘It’s rather impressive actually. Konoha is quite big, and he’s walking around it on his hands. I’m not sure if I could pull it off. He’s improving in a shocking speed.’
‘No, he is insane’ said Kakashi, at last deciding to add some of his usual salt to the conversation. ‘But that’s not the reason.’
‘Then what is?’
Hatake shrugged.
‘He was born this way. Or his father dropped his on his head. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was using him as a dumbbell when he was still in diapers.’
‘Kakashi!’ huffed Minato, fighting a smile; Kurenai and Asuma did not even try to hold back their laugh.
‘I did see Dai-san deadlifting him…’ argued Kakashi.
‘Oii, KAKASHI!’ howled Gai, jogging towards them.
‘And there he is, the dumbbell in question.’
‘…What did I do this time to call me dumb?’ he whined, stopping right next to him. He threw his arm around Kakashi’s shoulders, trying to catch his breath. He wiped the sweat off his forehead.
‘A dumb-bell.’
‘Ah, alright then.’ He gave him a few pats, grinning. ‘Good morning, sensei!’
‘Hello, Gai.’ He smiled. ‘Did you finish your morning training?’
The green boy gave him a thumb up and a blinding smile, still holding his Rival by the neck.
‘Successfully! It was shorter than usual, but I have places to be and dango to eat!’
Minato nodded in response, looking between the kids around him. They all seemed fine, or tried to look like they were alright, but he could see that Kurenai cried that morning and Kakashi most likely did too. He also did not sleep well recently. Gai was also more pale than usual, and Asuma was looking mostly at the ground.
‘Kakashi’ hummed Gai seriously, circling him around and giving him an intense once-over. ‘You finally left the house!’
‘Not by choice’ he noticed, offended.
Gai stood in front of him, holding both palms on Kakashi’s shoulders. For a moment they both just stared, probably looking for something in each other’s eyes. The next thing anyone knew, Gai’s face softened and he closed the distance with a tight hug. Kakashi did not say anything or tried to shake him off, but he did not lift his arms to return the gesture either. After a while, with a sigh, he let his head drop on the other boy’s shoulder. He stiffened and held his breath, biting hard on his lip but nobody saw that part.
The other three exchanged looks.
Kakashi stirred a few long moments later; Gai relaxed his embrace immediately. He stepped back with his gaze glued to the ground, but Gai knew his reasons anyway.
‘Nice one, Kakashi! You’re getting better at showing affection!’ he exclaimed with a grin.
‘Oh, shut up.’ He looked at the teacher and frowned, seeing him chuckle. ‘Do we have time for this?’
‘Oh, right!’ Minato cleared his throat. ‘We better get going before breakfast gets cold! See you around!’
‘Kakashi! I’ll come by later, so don’t bother pretending you’re not home!’
‘Ugh.’ He turned around and followed Minato-sensei.
‘I’m here if you’d like to talk! Or just sit in silence!’
Kakashi only raised his hand in response, not bothering with turning around or answering verbally.
‘Sit in silence?’ repeated Asuma, turning to look at him. ‘With you?’
‘I can be quiet when it’s needed’ huffed Gai. He heavily sat down on the bench.
‘How come I’ve known you for years and I never knew that?’
Kurenai sighed, amused and bit off a piece of her dango.
‘You shouldn’t show your tricks all at once’ she hummed, stretching her legs in front of her. She rotated her leg a little, giving a bruise on her shin a long look.
‘See? Kurenai gets it! That’s why she’s my good friend!’
‘Only good?’ she asked almost offended, but amusement ruined the effect.
‘You can’t compete with Kakashi. His eternal rival’ explained Asuma, leaning closer to her. ‘His… Wait, how did you say it? Destined friend?’
‘Man of destiny’ supplied Gai automatically, waving at the waiter.
Both Asuma and Kurenai laughed out loud, leaning on each other.
‘Yeah, that one!’
‘Why the hell you remember that?’ snorted Gai. ‘It’s not like I said it to you!’
‘I wouldn’t if Kakashi didn’t bring it up like, dozen times since then.’ He sighed, chomping off the last dango. ‘I think you’re the only one that confessed to him like that and it impressed him greatly!’
Gai grunted, trying to pretend to be offended, but his face was fighting hard to stretch in a grin.
‘I did not confess to him! I wanted him to accept my challenge!’
‘Kakashi!’ croaked Asuma with a frown. ‘Be my rival! In health and in sickness! I challenge you to spend the rest of your life with me!’
‘Ooh, working on the vows?’ Genma peeked from behind the corner of the shop with his usual crooked grin. ‘I just saw him! Did you ask him out?!’
Kurenai choked on her morsel, laughing almost hysterically – Gai grew ridiculously red on the face.
‘Genma, you too against me?!’ called Gai, distressed. ‘My own teammate?!’
‘AGAINST? Mate, I’ve been rooting for you two for like, years! Unironically!’
‘…Insufferable, that’s what you all are.’
‘And yet you’re the blushing one.’
‘Oh, shut up’ he snorted, waving his hand dismissively.
‘I’ll never shut up about your lov… rivalry! So youthful!’
The waiter almost dropped the food when all four teenagers burst out laughing.
Logically he knew that Minato-sensei and Kushina-san were trying to make him feel better. That was why his teacher showed up at his house and took Kakashi home with him, so he would finally get out for a little while. You should not lock himself away, he said. You have to remember you are not alone – nobody blames you for what happened!
He did blame himself. If he were better, if he trained more, if he were stronger and smarter and-
Maybe it would not had happened. Maybe if he was spending less time feeling sorry for himself instead of training and studying and practicing… He had to le-learn a lot of things since he had gotten the Sharingan.
He did not remember how it felt like to wake up rested. He could physically feel his chakra levels were never fully restored, there was a hole he could not fill no matter how hard he tried. He had to learn again how to throw a kunai and shurikens because his aim was off since he was looking with only one eye. He could not pull off his usual training anymore, it was too much for his body.
He knew everyone was worried – he could not understand why – but they should yell at him instead. Punch him, throw him on the ground and show him his place; face down on his knees, dirt between his teeth, just like a trash that he was.
Kakashi stopped, his eye locked on the ground. People were walking past him. He could hear everything and nothing made sense at the same time.
He needed to get away.
Gai did say many times that jogging is good for everything, did not he? No thoughts, head empty – only reps, he would say.
That was precisely what he needed. Maybe he could outrun the guilt for a minute or two if he was fast enough-
He abruptly broke into a sprint, counting the steps and controlling his breathing. He could do it for a long time, he was a shinobi after all, but he would be damned if he stopped running on his own – he was ready to keep going until his legs would give out. Or his lungs, whatever comes first…
Someone was walking backwards from behind the corner and Kakashi was not looking ahead, his gaze glued to his feet and they crashed hard. An involuntary grunt escaped his lips when he bounced back and fell hard onto the ground.
Jiraya-sensei.
‘What the hell, brat?’ he snorted when he realized who just tried to run him over. ‘What’s the rush?’ He grabbed himself by the sides, looking at him with an amused crook of his eyebrows.
Kakashi scrambled back onto his feet, panting. Apologies were on the tip of his tongue, but he did not say anything. Looking away, he took a few steps back.
‘Kakashi?’ He frowned, confused at his behavior. ‘That’s weirder than your usual weird and you set the bar quite high already-‘
He was not listening. Kakashi turned on his heel and run in the opposite direction. He had to get away and get on the trail on the outskirts. Gai usually run there or was doing his insane hand-stands laps around the village. He could hear Jiraya-sensei calling after him, but he only run faster, faster-
Soon enough – it felt like eternity – he finally left behind the crowded streets, and the buildings growing so close to each other he could cross the whole Village without touching the ground.
One lap. Two laps. Three laps.
He was thirsty; his mouth were uncomfortably dry, the mask seemed to be in the way. The head-band was itchy, he could feel sweat slowly rolling down his back but he kept going even further, further, faster…
He slipped on a rock and fell heavily on the ground. It hurt. He laid there for a few long moments, catching his breath and drinking in the pain of the fall.
Further. More, another one- he could still run, it was not enough. He scrambled back up on his trembling legs and started over. His heartbeat was pounding in his skull, he stopped paying attention to the breathing at some point and it was enough for the run to be more straining.
Another one.
There was something nice about running wildly in circles. Seemed to suit him.
Gai’s silhouette appeared in front of him, because of course he would always find him. Using Gai’s usual route did not count, it was his fault anyway. He should get a grip and leave Kakashi alone-
He called after him, but Kakashi ignored him. At least he did not rush after him.
Some time later he went past him again – Gai was on his hands, working his way through the daily laps.
There was only so long he could go at his top speed – breathing was hard, his heart was trying to get out of his ribcage, but he kept going, and going, and going…
His head was empty. Really blank. He could not form a coherent thought, the little voice was gone to and he was on the verge of throwing up from the exertion.
His legs were on fire too, he really had to take a break, but he kept pushing. He had to run further, faster, before his thoughts would catch up with him-
His knees gave out, he stumbled and fell down on his all fours. Panting, he stared wide-eyed at the ground. Sweat was dripping from his forehead and his hair, making tiny splashes, he could still feel it dripping down his back and neck, even his arms – he was shaking like a leaf, unable to move. His muscles would not listen anymore.
He did not know how long he was stuck in that odd state where he consisted only of physical sensations – the heat of exhausted body, cool air on his sweaty body, frantic pulses of his heart that he could feel even in his fingers-
It was the only thing he could hear. It was a bliss.
He slowly went all the way down, his forehead pressed to the ground.
He did not hear approaching steps nor when they stopped right next to him. He barely felt someone’s hand on his arm, but it was one of the first things he noticed when he finally came down from the haze enough to perceive his surroundings again.
‘Did you make it?’ asked a familiar voice.
Kakashi slowly pulled himself up and sat on his knees. He shrugged, still trembling.
‘I guess.’
‘What was that about?’
Kakashi let his head drop back, so he could look up at the sky.
‘Running from my thoughts’ he managed, throat so dry it was almost painful to breathe. It sounded stupid, but he was too worn out to cringe, and besides, around Gai there was no ‘stupid’.
‘Ah’ sighed the other boy. He squeezed Kakashi’s arm. ‘Are they back yet?’
He slowly shook his head. Gai hummed in response, sitting down next to him. He crossed his legs and put an arm around Kakashi’s shoulders. With a slow but firm pressure, he pushed him down so he ended up with his head on Gai’s lap. It was not like he really tried to resist – he was shaking and his body felt out of control.
‘Try to relax for a minute while they are gone’ said Gai, giving Kakashi’s side a few pats. ‘Don’t worry when they’ll be back, Rival. I’m here now.’
Kakashi was nauseous and wish he could throw up, but he was relatively empty and his mask was in the way – so he did not. He only sighed loudly, closing his eyes.
‘Don’t be ridiculous-‘ he managed, trying to start complaining since he was not really in a position to move his body like he wanted, but Gai shushed him. Shushed him.
‘It’s alright’ he repeated slowly, lowering his voice. ‘I’m here. It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling, Rival.’
‘Ohmygod’ he whispered, making a face. He hated the touchy-feely speeches about grief and whatever with passion. ‘Don’t even start.’
‘You can always just walk away if you don’t like it’ He shrugged and started petting him as if Kakashi was something small and sad to be held and comforted. He scoffed. Of course he could NOT just walk away, not after those crazy laps around the Village and Gai knew it. When met with no efforts to stand up and leave, Gai continued his touchy nonsense. ‘I’m so sorry that you are going through this. She was our friend too, but I know it’s not the same for you. I can’t even imagine how painful it must be for you.’ He made another shushing sound, but much softer this time. ‘I’m here’ he repeated quietly, clearly set on making the message sink in. ‘And there is nothing you can say or do to change it. I know it doesn’t feel alright and it feels like it’ll never be, but someday eventually it will be a little better.’ He sighed, giving his Rival a squeeze in response to an unconvinced, a bit high-pitched groan. ‘I’m not saying it will get easier and you’ll forget. I’m saying you will never be alone with this.’
‘Shit.’ His voice cracked. If Gai could stop being stupidly supportive for five minutes-
But no luck. He kept talking and reassuring, and validating all the feelings he was even able to name for him despite Kakashi never even trying to look past anger and guilt, and it was just getting increasingly difficult to keep it together.
He was tired. He was exhausted mentally and now, physically (he did it to himself) and Gai was a sly, annoying bastard. He waited for Kakashi to exhaust himself like some kind of stupid animal of prey – how dare he coddle him like that, did he just start rocking him like some precious bundle? He was not a baby-
But he sure was crying like one. He did not even know when it happened, but his vision all of sudden was all wobbly and wet. He angrily pulled down his mask, because boogers and tears were the last thing he needed to have in it and he just lost it.
It felt like there was a dam that finally gave out and there was no going back now.
It probably was not just about Rin anymore. He was crying over Obito too – even his father, just a little bit – and the stupid, pretentious villagers and other shinobi who just did not get it, the broken trust between him and his teammates and sensei and Kushina-san, and, and-
And it was all because he was being held and gently shushed, swayed back and forth like a baby. The last time someone treated him like that must had been when his dad was still around. The ‘it’s okay’ and ‘I’m here’ would start haunting him in his nightmares too, he was sure of it but he could not stop. He really lost it, didn’t he. He hated it, he was so weak and pathetic-
-and it felt so, so good to just let it all go, the walls tumbling down and he did not remember when he felt seen and just accepted like that. Gai just sat there, cradling him against his side and not even once he told him to stop crying.
Relief? That what it was for sure. It felt nice, finally something else than sadness, anger or choking guilt. He could not even remember how it was to not be sad or irritated with everything. It was exhausting, everything was exhausting.
He could not care less about looking stupid at the moment. Besides, there was no ‘stupid’ with Gai – he bent over to give him a very awkward, long hug. He was crying too, the goof, because of course he would tear up over his Rival’s breakdown.
Eventually, he finally calmed down enough to stop sobbing and wiped his cheeks for the last time. New tears did not roll down his face, which was good, it meant he was done. He pulled his mask back up, resigning himself to breathe through his mouth for some time.
‘How are you feeling?’ asked Gai conversationally when the silence was stretched so thin he could not take it anymore.
‘Empty’ he decided after a moment of thinking. ‘For a change.’
‘Well, that’s something.’
‘And tired.’ He rubbed at his eye and untangled himself from Gai’s embrace. ‘But better, I guess.’
‘Still not back yet?’ He started patting of the dirt off his shirt.
Kakashi shook his head. Gai smiled at him, but it was not his usual happy grin. He squeezed his shoulder.
‘You really outrunned them, Rival! Fast as always.’
He only snorted weakly in response and sighed. A quiet mind was something new recently and he hoped it would stay like that for a while.
‘Hungry?’ asked Gai, standing up. He patted his knees clean.
‘I left my wallet at home’ Kakashi stood up a well. Gai sighed, grabbing himself by the sides.
‘I’m not asking if you have money, I’m asking if you’re hungry!’
‘…I guess?’ He was not, but he knew that he should eat something. He barely pushed anything down at sensei’s house.
Gai smiled more like himself and gave him a thumb up.
‘Let’s go then! My treat! How do you feel about some steam buns?’
‘Good enough to eat them.’
‘That’s the spirit! Let’s go!’ He threw his arm around Kakashi’s neck – as usual grabbing him in a light chokehold – and pulled him along. Kakashi just let it happen, pushing both hands deep in his pockets. Gai kept chatting excitedly, sharing his latest training achievements (he was getting really amazing with a nunchaku!) and plans, determined to comfortingly talk Kakashi’s ears off. As always he carried the weight of holding a conversation running.
‘Thanks’ he said suddenly, butting in when Gai finally shut up for a split second to take a breath in.
He looked at him with a small glint of surprise in his eyes, but it was gone almost as fast as it appeared. He smiled again, much softer this time and squeezed him by the neck a bit harder.
‘Anytime, Rival! Don’t mention it!’ He relaxed the grip and with a happy sigh he picked on his ramble right where he was interrupted.
Kakashi should train too. Maybe he would start on the next day.
Maybe he would join Gai too.