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Adam doesn’t know what to feel this time. For all the losses he’s had throughout his career so far, he’s been able to pinpoint what went wrong, mostly what he did wrong or what chances he missed, but this time he doesn’t. He couldn’t remember any play, good or bad, because none of them matters now. They lost, lost the chance to play for the National championship title even though he truly believed in their group.
He didn’t want to get off the ice after the handshake line, so he stood there watching his teammates hug and talk to each other, the ones who went through the same heartbreak last year trying their best to comfort the younger ones, even though they are the ones feeling the same pain again. Except for Nolan, who’s bent down on the bench with his head in his hands and crying out loud. He has Luke and Dylan leaning on the board by his sides, patting him on the back, whispering things, and slowly lowering themselves to hide him from the world.
Adam skates a sharp turn to face away from the bench. He skates mindlessly in small circles on their side of the ice until someone grabs him by the shoulder to stop him.
“Hey, come here.” Of course it’s Luca. He grabs him into a hug just like they always do, both of them lean to their left with their right arm wrapping around each other’s shoulder.
Luca doesn’t say anything. He’s usually so happy and delightful, just seeing him smile makes everything better in Adam’s life. But even he’s not smiling now. So Adam lowers his head onto Luca’s shoulder and closes his eyes. He takes a breath, Luca still smells like the detergent they use for the jerseys, fresh and clean, unlike himself, which probably smells like sweat and regret. He holds onto Luca tighter than usual, not willing to let go, the familiarity and comfort of his brother the only thing that doesn't hurt at this moment. Luca snuggles into him as well, pats him on the back and tells him it’s ok, he did his best, he’s so proud of him.
He doesn’t know how much time passed, but Luca lets him go eventually. He taps Adam on the skate and leads him back toward the tunnel. Adam slows down and trails a bit, watches Luca go back to the guys still lingering around, and somehow wants to grab him back, away from the team, from everyone, he wants Luca for only himself, just for a little longer.
Adam sticks by Luca’s side on auto pilot after things quieted down and tears stopped being shed in the locker room. He’s been doing this for years, ever since the games he played meant nothing, through all the big wins and bad loses, he’s been able to find his brother sitting in the stall right next to him at the end of the day. But this time when Luca hands him a bottle of water from his blue Michigan backpack without looking up from his bag, he stops and stares at it instead of just taking it like he’s done millions of times.
The realization of ‘this is gonna be the last time’ suddenly hits him. He didn’t think about that when eating his pre-game meal with Luca before the game, or when he waited by the bench and waves for Luca for their hand clap at the end of the warm up, or when Luca patted him on the head sitting behind him on the bench after his goal, or when he had his head buried in Luca’s neck and his hands grabbing the back of Luca’s jersey fighting back tears after the game. They were all parts of a game, arguably the most at stake game he’s ever played, but still a game. He’ll have so many of them in his future, some of them he can only dream about as a Canadian kid, like the Olympic gold medal game or game 7 of the Stanley Cup final, but he knows by now that he has it in him to eventually play those games, and they’ll all be still a game.
But this water bottle is very likely the last one Luca’s ever going to hand to him after a game, and the game he just lost was very likely the last one he’ll ever play with his brother.
“You ok?” Luca gets up from his bag and taps the water bottle on the side of Adam’s right thigh, sounding tired and worried.
“Yeah. Thanks.” Adam answers and takes the water bottle on instinct even though they both know he’s not ok by any measure.
Luca lets that one slip and smooths his hand up and down his back as a silent “I know” instead. Adam doesn’t want him to stop touching him, he wants to curl back into his embrace, and he can’t wait to get back to their room to have Luca for himself for the rest of the night.
When Adam finally got dismissed for the night after all the media, he feels more exhausted than upset. He walks down the hallway towards their room and can’t wait to be around Luca again. The door to their room is already open when he turns the last corner. Two people sharing clearly an intimate moment with their foreheads touching and a hand grabbing the back of the neck of whoever’s standing with his back towards him.
Adam quickly turned back away from the corner, feeling like he’s seen something he’s probably not allowed to watch. He leans back onto the wall and counts to 10 to calm himself down, and to let whoever’s outside of his and Luca’s room finish their business with Luca like a good Canadian boy. Then he stands up, pats the front of his shirt and turns the corner again.
Of course it’s Johnny, Adam feels stupid for not knowing who he is after a second thought. He and Luca are now separated, Johnny having his hands shoved in his hoodie pockets and backing away from their room. He sees Adam and walks toward him. Adam stands still as he pulls him into a hug and says “tough game, try to get some sleep”, but hugs him back and answers you too. Then Johnny turns to walk down the hallway with a little wave to Luca.
Luca nods and says goodnight to Johnny then turns to look at Adam, who’s still standing two doors down.
“You coming in?” Luca asks, tilting his head toward the room as his foot holds the door open.
“Yeah, yeah.” Adam replies quietly and follows Luca into the room.
“I’ve already used the bathroom, take your time.” Luca walks back to his bed to pick up his charging phone on the bedside without looking at Adam.
Adam has his head down and nods once without making any sound. He finishes all his washing a bit quicker than usual, so many questions he wants to ask Luca but dread asking at the same time.
When he comes back out into the room, Luca is already lying in his bed and scrolling his phone. Adam takes a glance at Luca, and gratefully Luca meets his eyes without him needing to say anything.
So Adam puts everything down on his bed and moves over to Luca’s bed. He flops onto Luca as gently as he can, covers Luca underneath him as best as he can with the thin blanket trapped between them, moves around a bit to make himself comfortable and fits his head onto Luca’s shoulder, staring at the little black void created between his nose and the pillow.
Luca chokes out a curse and punches Adam lightly on his side but doesn’t really struggle, just wraps his arms around Adam’s back and starts making slow strokes up and down.
Adam loves the hands on his back, loves the warmth from Luca’s body, and loves how their bodies are touching everywhere even though there’s clothes and a blanket in between them. He wants to stay in this moment forever.
Luca is again silent, because he knows that’s exactly what Adam needs at times like this. He just needs someone there to tie him down to the reality, to not get lost in his own mind world, to wait for him to get ready for a different day tomorrow. And so far in his life, that person has always been Luca. But he also realized earlier that Luca’s not going to be there for him after today, every loss and every win will all be on himself from now on.
Even worse than that, he realized he’s not going to be the one Luca comforts after today, he’s going to hug and embrace and whisper gentle words to someone other than him. Yeah sure Luca gets along with everyone and everyone loves him more out of the two of them, even though he’s the center of attention for people from outside. But he’s always been ok with that, because the person everyone loves is his brother, he’s forever going to be closer to him than anyone. It never occurred to him that he can lose his brother to someone else one day. The thought makes his heart hurt and he curls tighter around Luca involuntarily.
“Do you love me?” Adam hates that he’s asking a stupid question like this, as if he’s doubting Luca’s love for him after bathing in it for literally his whole life.
“That’s a dumb question even from you dude. Of course I love you, you’re my little brother.” Luca wiggles a bit underneath him to bump him in the head with his own.
“What about Johnny?” Adam finally flops down to lie next to Luca and turns his head around to look him in the eyes.
“What about him?” Luca leans backward a bit and frowns for a second.
“Do you love him?” Adam doesn’t even dare to blink when he finally asks the question.
“Ah. You did see then?” Luca sighs and takes one hand back from Adam’s back to comb his own hair behind his ear.
Adam nods silently and waits for Luca to continue.
“Yeah, we wanted to wait till the season ends to tell you, didn’t want to surprise you or anything. Guess now at least we don’t need to find a way to tell you that. We’ve been, together for a couple of months now, if you haven’t figured something out by now.” Luca tries his best for a shrug lying on his side.
“I haven’t, guess I was blind to not see that.” Thinking back about it Adam does feel like he’s been blind. Luca spends so much time with Johnny, he invites Johnny to go out with them whenever he can, he spends the night at Johnny’s place from time to time. “Why him though, can I ask?”
“I mean, you know Johnny, we’re just similar people and get along well. He’s just a great company for me.” Luca says with a gentle smile on his face.
“Am I not?” Adam can’t stop himself from asking.
“Come on, you know what I mean. I can’t ask for a better brother and spending the last few years with you was amazing, but we live different lives. You’ll leave and go play in the NHL next season, but Johnny and I are gonna play together, graduate, hopefully settle down and live happily ever after. You probably won’t even have time for us by then.”
“That’s not true, I’ll always have time for you.” Adam interrupts.
“Yeah yeah my bad, you’re the best brother, not the point though. You have a very different future from me, and you need to start planning yours without me in the picture.” Luca roughs Adam’s hair up to cover his eyes when he says that.
“Was I in yours?” Adam really should stop asking questions.
“I tried. I tried my best to find paths that you can follow, and I tried my best to catch up with you. But I think this is it.” Luca combs Adam’s hair back even though he just messed it up.
“I’m your brother, you don’t need to catch up with me or anything, we can just be together forever.”
“Of course, I’ll always be there for you whenever you need me. That won’t change even if I’m with Johnny.”
“But you think I won't be there for you, right?” Adam’s voice is muffled as he turns his head into the pillow.
“You probably won’t have a choice. I know you feel like I’m leaving you for Johnny or something, but I love you and Johnny in different ways, I love you both.” Luca puts his hands around Adam’s face to dig it out of the pillow and leans forward to touch his forehead, just like what Adam saw earlier he did with Johnny.
And Adam lost it.
He lunges forward and crashes his mouth on Luca’s, his teeth knocking Luca’s upper lip and he backs away. But Adam is not letting him go, he lifts one leg and gets up to straddle Luca, trapping him underneath while Luca is touching his lip to check if he’s bleeding.
“What if I love you the same way as Johnny?” He says after seeing Luca’s fine.
“No you don’t.” Luca sighs, grabs Adam’s face above him and shakes it a little bit.
Adam leans down to touch their mouths together again, gently this time. Luca doesn’t move away. So Adam lowers himself back down on top of Luca and holds his face to deepen the kiss. He didn’t think this through and doesn’t really know what to do next. He opens his mouth on instinct and is surprised Luca just matches him.
They’re kissing for real. Adam likes it. It feels easy for them, to get into a rhythm they’re comfortable with, just like everything else they’ve done together so far. Adam doesn’t remember when did he close his eyes, but he finds himself tucking his head into Luca’s neck again after they stopped kissing, content for the first time tonight.
Then he feels Luca bucking his hip up underneath him and grinds the tiniest bit on him, and he feels a hand touching the front of his sweatpants. He shoots upright immediately and sits on his heels, still straddling Luca’s legs.
His eyes looking downward for a second to see the small bulge covered up by the blanket and quickly looking back up at Luca’s face again.
Luca’s hands are up in his face and Adam can’t see his expression. So he waits there, not daring to move an inch.
And finally Luca sighs again and puts his hands down. He scoops up from underneath Adam and gets out of the blanket to sit on his heels in front of Adam. He picks his head up and meets Adam's eyes, they hold each other’s gaze for maybe three seconds without saying anything. Then Luca leans forward and gets on his knees, gently puts his hands around Adams face to tilt it just a bit upward since he’s now a bit taller.
Luca lowers his head to kiss Adam on the mouth again, just the slightest touch this time. He crawls forward one step to eliminate the small distance between them and hugs Adam again. Adam hugs him back, leans to the left and wraps his right arm over Luca’s shoulder, like it’s the most natural position for them to be in.
“See, you don’t.” Luca whispers in his ear.
Adam has nothing to say this time and he knows he just lost something important again this night. He bites his lip to hold back his tears and gets up from the bed. He turns around to stare at the floor and says “I’ll go get Johnny” without looking back at Luca. Then he leaves the room quietly, and Luca didn’t make a sound before the door clicks behind him.
***
Adam knows he’s going to Chicago after the draft lottery day, so he’s not really anxious or even excited on the draft day. His mother handled all the planning so he just enjoyed spending some times with all the families and friends in Nashville for the last couple of days, with Luca alongside him all the time. He hasn’t been able to really spend much time with him after that night. He tried his best to hang out with Luca as normally as he can for the rest of the semester. Then he pulled himself away from everyone with all the media, the combine, the interviews and stuff for the draft being his excuses.
But Luca and he are sharing a hotel room for the week, and it feels just like sharing the same dorm room again. No one mentioned that night as if it never happened, Luca’s as happy and proud of him as he’s always been. Except for last night when they were trying on the three ties his mother prepared for him and sending stupid pictures to their group chat. Luca scratched his chin when his phone started vibrating and didn’t answer the call immediately, he looked up at Adam for a second with the ugliest smile Adam has seen on him all week, and eventually stepped outside to take the call. Adam knew it was from Johnny and he hated that Luca took the call outside.
He didn’t wait long for his name to be called and his mind forced back to the present. He stands up with his family, hugs his parents, and buries his head in Luca’s neck with his hands grabbing the back of his suit, just like that night, their body still remembers the shape of each other.
“Proud of you, brother.” Luca pats him on the arm after letting him go.
“Thanks.” Adam turns around and walks toward the stage.
When they hand him the Chicago Blackhawk jersey with only “Fantilli” but not the “A. ” above the number, he blinks and takes a deep breath before turning towards the clapping audience and smiling for the cameras.