Archive of Our Own ^beta

But the question hangs in the air between them. What does Rei have to be afraid of? He has an apartment, a job, and Kazuki. Between those things, there isn’t anything he could want for. Between those things, there isn’t even anything that Rei needs to do, that’s the whole goddamn problem. He doesn’t have to do the dishes, or the laundry, doesn’t have to kiss Miri’s scraped knees, or tuck her into bed. He doesn’t have to do anything because he knows that Kazuki will.

“Kyu.” Kazuki says on the end of a sigh.

Kyu lets out his own sigh and leans against the counter. “You’re complaining that Rei won’t help with Miri, right?”

“Right.” Kazuki confirms. When Kyu just stares at him pointedly, Kazuki adds. “She’s a handful, but she’s not scary.”

“He’s not scared of Miri.” Kyu answers, a wry smile on the corners of his lips at the thought of sweet, darling Miri being scary. “He’s scared of not being a good enough father.”

The words stir something in Kazuki. It’s a fear that he knows well, too. Miri deserves everything, every happiness that has ever existed. He, too, is constantly afraid that he’s falling short of their precious daughter. It’s not like he has any more experience in this than Rei, not like he has any clue what the hell they’re supposed to be doing. He’s certainly failed as many times as he has succeeded, but those failures haven’t stopped him yet.

“The easiest way to not be good enough is to not try.” Kazuki murmurs after a minute, but some of his bitterness has receded.

The thought of Rei being afraid softens something in Kazuki. Besides the fact that Rei is completely fearless with his own life— though it’s not that he’s fearless about losing his life as much as it is that he disregards the importance of his own life— he doesn’t show too many emotions and when he does show them, they’re small. Kazuki had learned to read all of Rei’s micro expressions though, had learned how to notice the emotions that he did feel. And it was true that recently there had been more of them.

When Kyu responds, his voice is quiet and somber, his words cutting straight through to Kazuki’s heart. “What if he tries and he’s no better than the boss?” Kyu stares at him, intense. “The only example he has of a father is the kind of father he doesn’t want to be.”

“Rei would never be anything like that!” Kazuki defends vehemently, slamming a fist down on the counter between him and Kyu. “He’s so gentle with Miri! He would give her anything she wanted without hesitation, and he worries about her. He would never treat her the way he was treated!”

“I know that.” Kyu answers. “And you know that. But does Rei know that?”

Kazuki feels the blood in his veins turn to ice as he considers Kyu’s point. Does Rei know that he’s nothing like his father? Does he know that the only thing Miri wants from him is just for him to try? So what if he fumbles and makes the most ridiculous rice balls Kazuki has ever heard of? Miri will love it and Kazuki’s heart will melt in his chest as he watches the way Rei tries not to smile.

But at the same time, Kazuki knows that Kyu is on to something and honestly, he feels a little silly for not having figured it out himself. Kazuki had been the one to join up with Rei almost immediately after Rei had moved out of his family’s estate, he had seen first hand all the damage that had been done to Rei and his heart. And maybe it was because Kazuki generally thought of Rei as numb that he didn’t consider the possibility of Rei being scared, but even that doesn’t sit right with him. Because Rei hasn’t been numb for a long time, now.

In the beginning he had been, completely and utterly without an opinion at any point. He moved like a robot, did what he was told, and kept to himself all the rest of the time. It was months before Kazuki found out that there were foods that Rei didn’t like and even longer before the first time he heard Rei laugh. But now Kazuki did know Rei’s food preferences, knew what his laugh sounded like, had seen the warmth of his smile. Now he knew that Rei could play the piano, and he napped like a cat in the sunlight during long summer afternoons. Now he knew that Rei had a quick wit, he just had to listen closely to hear the quips. Rei even sought him out now, inviting him to play games or just seating himself at the table while Kazuki worked on something. He may still do bizarre shit like sleep in the bathtub, but he also valued human connection now.

Rei wasn’t the cold, isolated, shut-down person he had been when they first met. And now that they had Miri, he was changing even more right before Kazuki’s eyes. He was softening, warming, learning how to be responsible. He was learning to give bits of himself to someone else— he just never seemed to realize that he had those bits to give.

“So that’s it…” Kazuki whispers, thinking of all the times Rei hesitated when Miri asked him to do something.

He wanted so badly to make Miri happy that he was paralyzed by his fear that he couldn’t bring her that desired happiness. He wanted so badly for Miri to have the kind of childhood he never had that he had convinced himself that he needed to be uninvolved, lest he bring the same tragedy to her, too. Every time Rei hesitated, or pushed her off onto Kazuki instead, it came from a genuinely selfless desire for Miri to have the best, and a genuine belief that he could never the best that Miri deserved.

It’s so obvious, Kazuki wants to kick himself for not seeing it. It’s so fucking stupid, Kazuki wants to kick Rei for believing that he was anything other than a gift to both him and Miri. He wanted to kick Rei for not seeing how much they both loved him, how happy everyone was when he involved himself in something. He wanted to kick Rei for not recognizing that Miri felt safe with him, something that he never would’ve been able to say about his own dad.

“Thanks, Kyu.” Kazuki says as he stands abruptly, the chair scraping behind him.

Kyu probably says something in response, but Kazuki is already halfway out the door.

When Kazuki makes it home, he finds Rei seated on the couch, controller in hand, tv muted as he plays his games in clear attempt to not wake Miri who is sprawled out across his lap. Even from the doorway, Kazuki can see Miri’s small smile in her sleep, her cheek smooshed against Rei’s leg, her arm thrown over his lap.

“Welcome back,” Rei says quietly as Kazuki crosses into the apartment fully.

The apartment isn’t as clean as Kazuki would’ve had it if he’d been home all day, but it’s also not the disaster he had expected it to be. There was clearly at least some attempt to clean that had been made, and that realization alone makes Kazuki’s throat tighten.

“Have you guys eaten dinner?” Kazuki asks, clearing his throat when his words come out a little strangled.

Rei has completely paused his game and is regarding Kazuki wearily, obviously hesitant after Kazuki had stormed out this morning. “There were leftovers.”

“And you actually heated them up this time?” Kazuki teases.

The joke seems to diffuse some of Rei’s hesitation and he rolls his eyes, refusing to dignify the comment with a response. Instead, he just turns back to the tv and resumes his game. But even as he’s playing, Kazuki can feel the way Rei is keeping tabs on him out of the corner of his eye.

Kazuki continues to stand awkwardly at the edge of the couch for a few long seconds, trying to decide how to go about the conversation he wants to have. When Rei pauses his game a second time and turns to him with raised eyebrows and a frown, he decides there isn’t a tactful way to go about it and chooses to just dive on in.

“Rei, you know that you’re nothing like your father, right?” Kazuki says, his voice quiet. He can’t quite bring himself to meet Rei’s eyes, but he’s still looking in Rei’s direction.

Which means that he sees the way Rei’s lips part in surprise, his eyebrows rising. “What?”

“That’s what all this is, right?” Kazuki asks, gesturing vaguely to where Miri is curled up against him, feeling his heart swell as Rei looks down at her and his eyes soften. “All the things you refuse to do with her— it’s because you think you’re going to be a shit father like he was, isn’t it?”

Rei is quiet for a long second and this time, the conflicting emotions are so clear on his face that anyone would be able to see them, not just Kazuki. Kazuki had learned a long time ago to give Rei time and space when waiting for a response and so that’s what he does— he waits quietly until Rei pulls together wherever it is that he wants to say.

And even though Kazuki expects his response to be heartbreaking, he’s not prepared for how it hurts.

“I didn’t have a good childhood.” Rei glances up, but then immediately glances away when he noticed Kazuki’s attention. “I was raised to be an assassin. And assassins don’t smile, they don’t laugh, they don’t get to experience or enjoy life. That’s— that’s all I know and I don’t want that for Miri.”

Honestly, if Miri weren’t in his lap, Kazuki doesn’t think he’d be able to stop himself from dragging Rei into a hug.

“I’ve met your dad.” Kazuki concedes with an inclination of the head, his throat so tight that it burns. “He’s not warm or patient, he’s not gentle or caring. But Rei, you are. You always have been, even before we had Miri.” Rei’s head snaps in his direction, his eyes wide as he listens. “You’ve always been the one to bandage my wounds, or to take care of me when I’m sick. You’ve always put my safety first on a job.”

“That’s different—“

“No it’s not.” Kazuki interrupts before Rei can say anything else. “For the childhood you had, those things are monumental. And I’m so proud of you for them.”

Rei swallows and looks away. “That doesn’t mean I can do shit like cook bentos and heal broken hearts.”

“Do you remember what you said to me the first time I tried to bandage one of your wounds?” Kazuki ducks his head a little to catch Rei’s eyes.

“That you sucked at it.”

“That I would get better if I practiced,” Kazuki recalls, completely ignoring Rei’s quip. It's actually not that uncommon for Kazuki to remember that day, because Rei's words had been so gentle and unexpected. For a guy who had been nothing but quiet and isolated since they had met, he'd been so quick to try to encourage and reassure Katsuki. "You told me that trying was all that mattered and if I kept trying, I would be good in no time."

Kazuki watches as the point strikes home, as Rei's shoulders hunch up to his ears in a last ditch defense. He watches as Rei shifts, just a little, as if trying to get away from the thought. But he has Miri in his lap and wouldn't risk disturbing her.

"I—"

"Rei." Kazuki finally crosses the distance between them and crouches in front of the couch. He has one hand placed on Rei's knee, the other gently on Miri's back. She stirs in her sleep, her smile growing as if she can feel both of her papas there. She snuggles closer to Rei. "Don't you see that you've already been trying? That's why Miri and I love you so much."

Rei's breath hitches and Kazuki can't stop a wobbly smile as he looks up at Rei's shocked face. "You guys—?"

"Love you?" Kazuki repeats, laughing a little. "Thanks for noticing."

"Kazuki..." Rei meets his gaze, even if he still looks a little uncomfortable. His hand finds Kazuki's where it rests on Miri's back, warm as his fingers thread through Kazuki's. "Thanks."

Kazuki's heart beats so hard in his chest that he thinks it might break through his ribs entirely. He's been fortunate enough to love a lot of things in his life. His childhood may not have been great, but it hadn't robbed him of simple pleasures and joys the way Rei's had. Kazuki had been able to experience a lot of things and had been able to love a lot of people throughout his life, but he wasn't sure he'd ever loved anyone quite the way he loved Rei and this family they had created. Because this was the kind of thing that defied all odds, this was the kind of thing that absolutely should not exist, but did. They fought tooth and nail every day to create a better life than the one they had both been given and it was moments like this where Kazuki really realized that they were succeeding.

"Now if you really don't want to be like your dad," Kazuki says as he tightens his fingers around Rei's, "You can learn to do things like the dishes, and how to style Miri's hair."

Rei rolls his eyes, but his smile is the biggest Kazuki has ever seen and it's definitively warm and content. It makes Kazuki think his heart might burst instead, but he loves the feeling. He smiles back at Rei, starting to press back up into a standing position.

But Rei's hand on his his firm, and it doesn't allow Kazuki to go far.

Kazuki pauses, halfway to a standing position, hunched over as he looks at Rei.

"For the record," Rei is looking down at their conjoined hands, his cheeks dusted the same pink as Miri's shirt. "I love you guys, too."

This time, it's Kazuki's breath that gets caught in his throat as he waits for Rei to look up at him. "Yeah?"

Rei sets down his controller from his other hand, reaching out for Kazuki. Kazuki comes willingly, easily, leaning into the space above Miri's head. Kazuki has been lucky enough to love a lot of things in his life, but he's never loved something quite the way he loves kissing Rei with their daughter between them. He's never loved something quite as much as he loves the delighted laugh Miri lets out as she wakes up to her dads kissing above her, the way she throws her arms around both of their necks demanding her own kisses.

And he's definitely never loved anything as much as he loves watching Rei lean in to press a kiss to Miri's cheek, Miri's eyes sparkling as she babbles about how much she loves her papas.

The world may not have been kind to either of them in the past, but they were building a new world of their own and Kazuki was certain that they could change, could break the molds that had been cast for them. With enough love and dedication, he was certain that they could turn their future into anything they wanted it to be. And the way Rei was looking back at him over Miri's head suggested that for the first time, he believed those things, too.