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"Sometimes, I wonder…" Alec starts but trails off. Two pairs of eyes land on him, two brows arched in a silent question.
Alec sighs quietly. Wondering is dangerous, and he did it out loud in the presence of his husband and his husband's foster son. He just delivered himself.
Awesome.
"What are you wondering about?" Magnus probes gently.
Alec puts his playing cards down. He'll never learn this game anyway. Playing cards is stupid.
"So… um… you're ace, right?"
Raphael hums in affirmation. "Aroace, yes. Why?"
Alec can see how Raphael's hackles go up. He's probably thinking about the whole Yin fen episode. But that's not what Alec means. It was the revelation that came after, Magnus' explanations about addiction and why he was one hundred per cent sure that Raphael was just as troubled as poor Izzy in this situation. Alec didn't get it then. How can someone not fall in love or look at someone and feel sexual attraction? But well, Alec knew he didn't need to understand everything for it to be natural and true. But lately, reflecting on their whirlwind romance, he realised that he changed, and he just can’t wrap his head around it.
It was during one of their trips before Magnus lost his magic, a stolen hour in the middle of chaos. They portalled to some island in the sun. Alec was lying on the beach, and Magnus emerged from the sea, the sun framing his body just right, the droplets of water shimmering on his chest and his abs making something stir deep inside of Alec he hadn't experienced before. And then…
"Um… Can… can people be ace and then not anymore?" Alec presses out around the heart in his mouth. Alec can feel Magnus' gaze heavily on him, but he doesn't dare return the look.
"Some can be, like demi-sexuals or grey-sexuals," Raphael says.
"Is there a reason why you're asking this, darling?" Magnus asks.
Alec swallows hard.
"Was just curious," he mumbles. He knows neither of the other men buys it, but they leave it for now.
***
Alec slips under the golden bedspread. Magnus erases his makeup with a flick of his hand, something he rarely does. Alec loves watching him undo it the mundane way, but tonight, he has no luck. He knows Magnus will want to talk. That doesn't mean that Alec wants to.
Magnus slides into Alec's arms. How many difficult conversations have they had like this? Too many for the short time they've known each other, for sure.
Magnus knows Alec can talk more easily about very private or emotional things when he doesn't have eyes on him, so it doesn't come as a surprise that he rests his head on Alec's chest.
Magnus' magnificent fingers draw patterns into the fabric over Alec's stomach.
"So…" Magnus prompts after a few minutes of silence.
"Asexuality," Alec breathes. Magnus hums, the sound vibrating into Alec's body.
"I'm sorry," he blurts out.
"For what, Alexander?"
"For… lying to you?" It comes out as a question because Alec isn't sure if it constitutes a lie if he wasn't even aware that he didn't say the truth.
"About what?" Magnus asks. It speaks for all they've been through and worked on as a couple that Magnus still feels relaxed against him.
Alec presses his nose into Magnus' hair and breathes in his scent. Only his husband's touch grounds him more.
"About…" Alec furrows his brow. "Wanting you."
"And that changed?" Magnus asks, his voice carefully schooled. Sometimes, Alec hates how controlled his husband is, but right now, he's thankful for it. He doesn't need more stress on top of his inner turmoil.
"Yes. I didn't… I just thought… I thought there was something wrong with me."
"When we had sex in the beginning?" Magnus guesses.
"Yeah. I mean, I liked it, but it wasn't…" He wets his lips. "When Jace started having sex, he couldn't stop talking about how great it was, and he had another girl every few days. But after our first time, I didn't feel like doing it again right away. I thought it was the stress, and then we had our fights. And when we had sex after, you know…"
Alec refuses to see it as a breakup, though Magnus says it's part of their story, and that it will shape their relationship forever. And it did because after…
"After we got back together for the first time?" Magnus asks.
"Yes. I… I think I wanted to sleep with you because I wanted to feel like… that we were good again. That you still trusted me with your heart and your body. But I didn't want it then like I want it now."
"How do you want it now?" Magnus asks gently.
Alec huffs a laugh. "Sometimes, you're just sitting on the sofa reading, and I feel like I'm gonna die if I don't have you right there and then."
"Do tell," Magnus chuckles.
"But before that, before the beach day, I just… I loved looking at you. I loved kissing you, and I liked the sex, but…"
"You could have done without it?"
"Maybe… I don't know. I liked that… that my body, for once, wasn't that of a warrior but that of a lover, I guess. I liked your touches, and I enjoyed seeing the bliss on your face when you came, but…"
Magnus hums. "I understand."
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For leading you on."
Magnus clicks his tongue and raises his head.
"It's hard to figure oneself out. Attraction has so many facets. It can be romantic or sexual, sensual or aesthetical, and so many more ways. But we live in a world where people tell us it's all one, and that if you don't experience it, that there's something wrong with you. — You've learnt something about yourself, Alexander. Never apologise for that."
"But what if I would have never experienced it?"
"Then I would have loved you just the same, my love."
"But…"
"No but. My love for you isn't tied to you finding me sexually attractive, Alexander. I am relieved that you didn't feel uncomfortable having sex before, and I sure hope you would have voiced it if you had. But I love your soul, Alexander. And as long as you love mine, I think there's nothing that could keep us apart. We can do anything."
"You're not angry?"
"No. I could never be angry about something that makes you you, Alexander. Your asexuality, whatever you want to label it, is as much a part of you as anything else. And I love everything about you."
"Even my 'adorable little snores'," Alec chuckles.
"Exactly. Thank you for trusting me with this."
Alec shuffles around to get face to face with the love of his life.
"I trust you with every part of me, even those I still have to discover," he confesses.
"Me too," Magnus says, and Alec can feel the truth of it in the fabric of his soul.