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“I still can’t believe that brat tricked me. Oh, how far we could’ve gone if he’d just sucked it up and bowed down to me. Just think of all the wonderful plays! But no, that dog had the audacity to grovel in front of other players. I mean c’mon, really? A bunch of lowlives over me? No sane person would make that choice. Isagi of all people should’ve been smart enough to see it! Right, Ness?”
Ah…the trees outside are beautiful.
“Ness? Are you even listening to me?”
He lifted his head off the bus window and glanced over at Kaiser. His teammate looked at him in disdain and impatience, two emotions that seemed to be more common on his face these days. Ever since they boarded that plane back to Germany, he’d been nothing but a whiny king. It made his insides twist.
He never looked at Isagi like that…
“Ness? Are you fucking deaf?” He asked with a mocking laugh.
He didn’t use to treat me like this…
“Sorry, Kaiser. I just spaced out for a moment there. What did you ask me again?”
Kaiser scoffed and turned his back to him. “Forget it.”
With that, their section of the bus lapsed into silence once more. Ness turned to look back outside the window. Germany’s familiar landscape did nothing to soothe the churning pit in his stomach. Blue Lock had left a vile taste in his mouth, one that hadn’t gone away since. Everything had been fine right up until Kaiser set his stupid pretty eyes on Isagi. Isagi Yoichi, a brand new plaything.
Because that’s all he was now—a ragged doll tossed away for a newer model. A toy that the keeper no longer became entertained by. A pet sent back to the pound after it displeased its owner.
An easily replaceable object.
I want to vomit.
All those memories shattered and tossed out for nothing. All those lows and highs that they experienced with each other only to be completely forgotten. He would never, ever forget the time Kaiser picked him up off his feet when he cried on the bathroom floor. Or the time he bought him a new ball when they were kids. Or when he helped ground him during a particularly bad panic attack. Or when they hugged after first being announced for the regular roster. A whole list of past experiences that were carved into the back of his head. Ones that forever altered the course of their relationship.
But Kaiser? He’d probably dropped every last bit of those memories already.
Before he could even blink, he had left the team’s bus and found himself lying back in his original bed. It felt weird being home after all that time overseas. It felt sickening trying to fall into his original routine after the noticeable shift in the atmosphere. A shift that put Kaiser in a shittier attitude than normal and Ness in a cycle of hopelessness.
As he closed his eyes, images from his childhood flooded his mind, taunting him to his wit's end. Kaiser’s stupid, innocent little face smiling at him with the weight of a million words etched onto the memory. A smile he would never get to see again. He dreamt of only the past. The small window of time where everything seemed alright because his best friend was there. Yet now, just thinking of him made him violently emotional.
Sleep didn’t come easy that night. And when he woke up the next morning with tear streaks down his face, he silently wished it could all be over.
-----
“Ness, come here for a moment.”
He jogged over to their mentor. Everyone on the team curiously watched him make his way across the field. All but one, of course. It’s been a week since they arrived home, yet nothing changed between him and Kaiser. In fact, it seemed like their relationship only got worse.
“Yes sir?” He asked once he arrived on the sideline. Even though his back was to the field, he could feel his teammates' heavy, questioning gazes.
Noel Noa was a calm man. A man with little to no expression shown on his face. Nicknamed “cyborg” in the industry because of his permanent neutrality. So when he furrowed his eyebrows at him with a slight frown, he knew this conversation wasn’t going to be pleasant.
“You’re not passing to Kaiser as much as before. Is there a particular reason why?”
Yes..there is. He thought back to all the times he’d called for Isagi instead of him. All the times this past week when he seemed irritated whenever he tried to strike up a conversation. He vividly remembered their small fight last night because he’d told him that his passes could’ve been better. His passes, which have always coined a compliment, were being trashed by the one he had always given the ball to.
“If you can’t even accomplish a decent pass, don’t bother. God, you are such a downgrade. Isagi would’ve made a much better servant.”
“...Ness?”
“Right. Sorry, sir. I’ll try better.”
Noa’s contemplative expression never wavered. “That’s not what I asked, Ness. If you can’t verbalize a reason behind your actions, you need to go clear your head and come back when you’re able to. Ever since we came back from Japan, your playstyle has worsened. Did something happen over there that the coach and I should be aware of?”
Yes…he thought. My king banished me from his empire in favor of a lowlife nobody. He doesn’t like my passes anymore. He doesn’t even like me anymore either. I’m nothing but a worthless heap of garbage whose initial worth has dwindled down to nothing. I should’ve been swapped out with Isagi at Blue Lock. That would’ve made Kaiser actually happy. I can’t please him anymore. At least not like I used to. My worth is gone. I’m finished. Done. I should just leave. I’m clearly dragging him down. Stupid fucking Isagi, ruining everything for me. I should just die at this rate. Maybe Kaiser will finally smile again once I’m gone. I’m nothing but a useless piece of shit—
“Ness? Are you alright?”
He looked up at Noa. The man’s previously stern expression was painted with the slightest shade of concern. He registered the words he spoke. He heard and understood the sentence that came out of his mouth.
But his body didn’t want to listen to him.
Look at you breaking down in front of your team’s master like that. Can’t even take criticism properly you fucking freak. No wonder Kaiser wants to drop you for Isagi. I bet he doesn’t deteriorate in front of his mentor like this. Hell, nobody does! What a pathetic dog! I should just be sent to the pound to be put down already. Useless. Worthless. Useless. Worthless. I should just die—
“Alexis? Can you hear me? You’re hyperventilating. You need to take deep breaths.”
Yes, he could hear him. He could also feel the hands gripping his shoulders and sense the questioning looks of his teammates. He was aware of the silence that now encompassed the training grounds sans his heavy heaves. He also didn’t need to turn around to know that Kaiser was probably laughing at him somewhere on the fake grass. A twisted laugh at the sight of his old wingman breaking down like the pathetic doll he was.
Without another word spoken, Ness broke out of his mentor’s hold and sprinted right out of the training room. Ness—one of the team’s most loyal members—ditching in the middle of practice. But he couldn’t stay there any longer. Not with the burden of the whole world trying to crush him to death. A variety of different shouts followed him out of the gym, and as soon as the doors closed behind him, he broke out into a dead sprint.
He dashed down the long hallways and up the sets of stairs. He let his muscle memory guide his clouded mind away from the gym and toward the team’s dormitories. He didn’t hear anyone following in his footsteps, not knowing whether to be relieved or depressed about that.
When he finally made it to the privacy of his own bedroom, he curled up into a ball with his back against the closed door and sobbed.
-----
“What the hell is wrong with you?!”
A few days passed after his little breakdown. No one said anything to him directly, but he could tell they were all thinking about it. Grim would pat his shoulder whenever they passed in the halls. Gesner’s typically barking had less animosity behind it. Even Noa kept a close eye on him when he thought he wasn’t looking.
Kaiser had just straight up ignored him.
At least until right now, a few days later, where he’d barged into his room unannounced. Ness looked up from his phone in surprise. His teammate stood at the entrance to his private room with a scowl on his face and confusion in his eyes.
“Kaiser? What are you talking about?”
The man ignored his words in favor of strutting over to his bedside and grabbing a handful of his shirt in his hands.
“You know damn well what I’m fucking talking about.”
No, he did not, in fact, know what he was talking about. If anything, he’s more shocked he’s even speaking to him at all. Those encaptivating eyes of his swirled with such rage and contempt, he wanted to do nothing more than jab his fingers right into those sockets.
Ah, I see. He’s here to finally throw me away once and for all.
Right as he opened his mouth to respond, a swift punch sent him flying off the bed and onto the wooden floor. His vision wobbled and for a split second, he contemplated staying down on the ground.
Yet as he looked up at Kaiser, he couldn’t help but feel anger. Michael Kaiser, the man he swore to serve for the rest of his life, glared down on him as he lay beneath his feet.
I’ve looked up to you for many years, Kaiser. But this…this is vile.
“Don’t look at me like that, you lukewarm fool. What happened to serving me at my side, huh? Why don’t you look at me with the same adoration you used to?! Why don’t you kneel like an obedient dog anymore?! Do you think you’re so high and mighty now?!”
Now Ness was really confused. Just earlier that week Kaiser had shit on his passes and degraded every fiber of his being. And now he wanted him to crawl back to his feet? Was he insane? Doesn’t he want Isagi? He thought back to all of the mental anguish he’d been subjected to over the past few days—over the past few weeks at Blue Lock. He remembered all those times his loyalty had been stomped on with a dirty boot and spat on without a second glance.
He saw red.
“What are you talking about, Kaiser?! Serving at your side? I fucking tried that already! And what did you do? You spit on me and told me I wasn’t needed anymore!”
Before he could get punched in the face again, Ness tackled the other to the floor. They entered a state of roughhousing, each clawing at the other with sharpened nails and bared teeth. Spit flew out of open mouths and grunts of frustration filled the uncomfortable silence.
“You’re fucking crazy Ness! Get off of me!”
You’re right, you fucking bastard! I am fucking nuts! And guess what? It’s all because of you!
Punches were thrown and arms were twisted. They rolled so far across the floor they ended up ramming into one of his shelves which sent a barrage of objects off the wood and right on top of their heads as the entire piece of furniture collapsed down on them.
Including a glass vase.
“Fuck!” Kaiser shouted as a shard got embedded into his hand. But Ness didn’t care. His mind had already passed the point of no return. With enough pent-up frustration and despair, he would’ve exploded sooner or later. Blood had been drawn, and all Ness could feel was relief.
Serves you right, you fucking bastard.
Before anything could escalate any further, Noa came barreling into the room. If it weren’t for the absurdity of the situation, he would’ve chuckled at the uncharacteristically wide eyes and open mouth.
“What…the fuck…are you two doing…”
He’d obviously scolded them before, but his voice had never been that demanding and emotionally charged. Without sparing him a second glance, Kaiser crawled out from under the collapsed shelf and bolted out of the room. His mentor looked between the two and settled on walking toward Ness instead of pursuing the other.
Fuck.
The man didn’t say anything more as he hauled the furniture off his body. He didn’t speak while picking up the knocked-down frames or sweeping up the broken shards of glass. He didn’t say a word as he continued to clean up the mess as he lay perfectly still on the dusty wooden floor. Tears of embarrassment and shame trickled down bruised cheeks. With his face to the floor and the earlier adrenaline gone, he wanted to do nothing more than crawl into a hole and wither away.
“Are you going to lay there all day or get up on your feet?”
Ness reluctantly looked up. Despite the harsh words, Noa still had that faint trace of worry scribbled into his gaze. The man held out an outstretched arm which he took humiliatingly.
“I’m going to go check on Kaiser. Can I trust you to make your way to the infirmary?”
Without making eye contact, he nodded, ears burning in shame. Yet instead of immediately leaving, Noa gently set a hand on the top of his shoulder.
“Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone, Ness. I’ll meet you there. Then we’ll talk, okay?”
With glazed vision, he nodded. “Sure. Just…give me a minute.”
Even when his eyes were still locked onto the floor panels, he could sense the heavy gaze of his mentor. The hand on his shoulder—a gesture so out of character it sent his mind spiraling—slowly removed itself. He heard the slow sounds of footsteps and then a quiet closing of the door.
But instead of heading out to the infirmary as directed, he ended up making his way over to the bathroom. The absolute mortification Ness felt overrided the urge to follow authority. The sharp stabbing sensation in his chest and dirt-stained fog in his mind prevented him from using any common sense.
Fuck.
As soon as the bathroom door closed behind him, the negative emotions that he’d been ignoring consumed him all at once.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck.
He couldn’t breathe. With the bathroom door locked behind his shaking back, Ness curled in on himself and cried. He hiccuped and gagged with his arms wrapped around his waist and wobbling legs barely keeping him upright. He wheezed out in desperation, heaving and shivering in pain. The lungs in his chest refused to work. The heart in his center panged relentlessly. The entirety of his soul ached with unbearable despair, almost as if it had been torn to shreds.
This is it. This is where I die. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I can’t. I can’t. Ican’t Ican’tIcan’tican’tican’t—
Blurred eyes slid over to the trashcan in the corner of the room. There laying at the top of the pile were all the glass shards Noa had picked up earlier. His body flooded with adrenaline for all the wrong reasons, pushing him forward to the trash can that practically screamed relief. Nothing but black scratches and dark clouds were at the center of his mind, so he did the only thing he could think of at the moment.
Ness dropped to his knees, grabbed a glass shard, and broke.
-----
“I’ve known you two for a while now. Do you have any explanation for what just went down in there?
Kaiser clicked his tongue at Noa, pointedly avoiding eye contact. Ever since they returned from Japan, Ness had been acting weird. Extremely weird. He didn’t ever say it out loud, but he was worried. If something was actually wrong with him, then who would be there to give him all those good passes? All those shoulder massages? All those small gestures of obedience? He was one of the only teammates who went above and beyond for him.
He’d been trying to encourage him to do better. Urging him to improve and crawl out of that little downward spiral of his. Yet instead of doing what Kaiser thought he would, he only slipped further and further away from his grasp.
It’s kind of pathetic…
“I can see the gears turning in your head. Either start talking, or the two of you will be benched for the next upcoming game.”
And with that, he immediately snapped his head up in disbelief. “What?! You can’t do that! Just because that clown has been acting off doesn’t mean I should suffer. Your team would never win a game without me anyway.”
Noa didn’t seem disturbed by this outburst, only furthering his anger. Without another word, he slouched into the infirmary chair and waited to see what other bullshit would leave his mentor’s mouth.
“What have I told you about talking about your teammates like that? Regardless, you still need to answer my question. Is there a recurring argument going on between you two? Did something happen at Blue Lock?”
Now that hit a nerve.
The man took his silence as an answer. “...I fear my initial hypothesis is correct. Now, if you’d like to tell me what happened at Blue Lock, I’ll gladly listen and offer my advice—you know I always will. But if you’d rather not, you at least have to tell me you know how to fix it.”
Curse him for being so damn observant. It’s not like anything actually happened at Blue Lock. It was more like…a build-up of certain circumstances. Not only had he been completely captivated by Isagi but also completely and utterly embarrassed by him. “Put in his place” as the other Blue Lock brats would’ve called it. He could see the potential in having Isagi’s passes. He could see how wondrous of a duo they could’ve been if he had just obeyed. If he had accepted his fate and allowed himself to be executed under his command.
But no. Instead, he was stuck with Ness who seemed to be withering away by the second.
“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry. I know how to fix it.”
No, he didn’t. Kaiser had absolutely no idea what went on in his teammate's brain, and it frankly started to become annoying.
Did he also want to pass to Isagi? Does he not deem me worthy anymore? Does he want to fight his way out of the chains around his neck, even when it’s how we’ve been winning so far?
Why does this have to be so difficult?! If everyone had just followed my orders, everything would’ve worked out fine.
“For now, I’ll trust you’re word,” Noa spoke with such poorly veiled speculation, it almost made him nervous. “Now go and find him. Preferably before tonight’s meeting, please. I have other obligations to attend to soon.”
He almost scoffed because why should he be the one to seek out Ness? Why wasn’t he already in the infirmary? Does he think he’s so much better than me all of a sudden?
“Go check on him, Kaiser.”
“Fine.”
He didn’t look back while exiting the infirmary. His mind went blank as he walked back toward’s Ness’s room on autopilot. The poor fool was either crying in some sort of breakdown or pointedly ignoring everybody. Kaiser did admit to himself that he was the one to start the fight, which was the only reason why he agreed to go check on Ness, who was a big boy that should be able to take care of himself. This is pointless…
A small, subconscious part of himself remembers his little breakdown a while ago. The one where he wore such a pained expression on the sideline, Kaiser had ended up freezing on the field. It worried him only slightly.
Very slightly.
“Ugh, he better not be crying. I hate dealing with snot and tears,” he whispered to nobody as he finally approached the door.
Just like before, the main entrance was unlocked. The fact that he couldn’t hear anything on the other side dampened his mood. He really didn’t feel like going on a wild goose chase just to find one guy. After all, he was supposed to have gone to the infirmary as well.
Damn clown thinks he’s so much better now.
At least the room had been cleaned, though he immediately knew it was Noa who had done so. As expected, Ness wasn’t anywhere to be seen. His phone still lay flat on the bed, which made Kaiser even more frustrated. If he didn’t have his phone on him, how the hell was he supposed to reach him?
Before he was about to turn and exit, a strangled croaking sound made him freeze. It sounded like something straight out of a horror movie. With his feet glued to the floor, he stopped moving just in case he heard it again.
And he did. Right behind the bathroom door.
“Ness?”
Another croak. Except now that he was listening intently, it sounded all the more gargled and smothered.
“Alexis?”
He heard a wheeze. And then a cough. And then a groan so alarmingly mangled, his organs immediately dropped.
“Alexis?!”
He walked over to the door, ear pressed against it. The only thing he heard next besides his racing heart was a loud thump.
And then silence. Complete and utter silence.
Oh my fucking god. Shit, shit, shit, shit,shit,shitshitshitshit—
“Alexis Ness, if you don’t open the fucking door right now, I am going to break it down!”
Nothing. He heard nothing.
With his heart pounding against his chest and mind sprinting in all sorts of directions, he quickly took a few steps back and then kicked. He kicked again. And again. He continued kicking in a violent rampage until cracks formed on the door and the wood began to splinter.
Kaiser continued to curse as he kicked, brain going into complete overdrive with only one goal in mind. Check on Ness. I gotta check on Ness. Please, please, please, please, please...
When the materials of the door became chipped enough, he rushed to the back of the room. In the fastest sprint he’d ever done before, he charged right at the door and threw his whole body into it, effectively knocking it down once and for all.
After successfully knocking it down, he grabbed it and threw it back behind him. Now that the bathroom was in full view, his stomach plummeted all the way down to the floor as soon as his eyes landed on Ness. The only thing Kaiser could see was red.
Literally.
“A-Alexis?”
His knees wobbled with the strength of a newborn. Eyes wide as saucers manically searched over his body in a frenzy. Red painted the tiles. Painted the body.
No…this isn’t real. It’s not real. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
He dropped to the floor, staining his knees in blood. Laying right there on his side, was Alexis Ness, a glass shard halfway across his neck.
He couldn’t take his eyes off of it. Nor could he move his muscles or use his brain to come up with any sort of solution. Every part of him from the bones in his body to his very own soul froze upon the sight of his teammate in the middle of such a surreal picture. This was supposed to be a scene from the horror movies he watched on T.V. Not a scene taken right from the play of his own life.
This…this wasn’t supposed to happen.
It took a while, but after a bit of the initial shock wore off, he was able to notice the rise and fall of Ness’s chest. The hand around the shard twitched, and if he strained his ears hard enough, his breaths could be heard.
“Alexis?! Can you hear me?! Please, wake up!”
With a never seen level of energy, Kaiser yanked off his shirt and pressed it against the neck. His mind couldn’t even fathom his actions. He didn’t move on intention, but rather raw instinct and drive. He didn’t even know if what he was doing was right, so with pressure now against the wound, he did the only other thing he could think of in the moment.
He screamed.
“Help! Somebody help!” He screeched in such a painfully broken tone that whoever was able to hear it would immediately know something was wrong. Kaiser never screamed like that. He never, ever asked for help either.
“Please!” His screams were scratchy and desperate. “Anybody, please! Help! Call 112! Somebody call 112!”
Only a few seconds passed before he heard a loud procession of footsteps pounding against the floor. They grew louder and louder, slamming into the ground, until they stopped right behind his crouched form.
“What the hell is all that sc—holy fucking shit…somebody get an adult right fucking now! Please!”
That was Gesner.
The more time passed, the more fuzzy everything became. He could only barely make out that someone had called 112. Good. Once that piece of information was stored away, he focused all of his energy on making sure no more blood escaped from the wound on his neck. Half of him zeroed in on the cloth against his hands, making sure every inch of the gash was covered. The other half made sure to pay attention to his breathing patterns. He became way too hyperaware of Ness’s body, almost as if as soon as he looked away, his breathing would suddenly stop.
“You’re not applying enough pressure.”
Kaiser heard the words before he saw him. Right there across from him was Noel Noa, who had put both of his hands on top of his and pushed harder. On his face was an expression so twisted and out of character, his mind was almost taken off of the situation at hand.
Almost.
He didn’t have any words to say. He just obeyed his mentor’s orders as they all waited with berated breaths for the paramedics to arrive. 5 minutes felt like 5 years, but they eventually arrived. Kaiser had to be physically hauled off of Ness, mind too hazy to behave like anything above a broken puppet.
After the paramedics lifted his body up onto the gurney, Kaiser mentally clocked out. Everything after that was a blur to never be remembered ever again. One moment he was bathed in blood, standing at the scene of the crime. Then he suddently found himself sitting in the hospital waiting room amongs the familiar faces of his teammates.
This cannot be happening…
“He’ll be okay,” Kaiser suddenly spoke. Everyone immediately whipped their heads in his direction, a flurry of surprised and concerned expressions entering his vision.
“He’ll be okay,” he repeated again—like a broken mantra. Although the words were spoken aloud for everyone to hear, they had mostly been meant for himself.
Because the more he said it, the more he could force himself to believe it.
-----
“C’mon, Alexis! Let’s play!”
Ness jogged over to his childhood friend with a smile on his face and all the joy in the world. The two kids were in the middle of an open grassland, the spring winds cool against their sweat-stained skin. Ever since they met each other on that same field, they became inseparable, spending the majority of their free time playing.
They would go at it for hours. Hours of nothing but passing the ball and versing each other. Their little makeshift field had shifted into a second home for them. A second home where the horrors of the real world didn’t exist and they could rely on each other.
And every day they would learn something new. Whether it was from something they saw on T.V, or a new move made up on the spot, they improved and adapted. With rocks for players and sticks for goalposts, their creativity soared above the clouds. And every day they would grow closer to becoming the best.
“Hey, Michael? Do you think we’ll play together forever?”
Kaiser hummed thoughtfully from right next to him. After a long day’s worth of playing, the two ten-year-olds often lied down on the grass to view the rising stars. With the glowing moon shining from above, they liked to pretend they were in space. This pretend atmosphere made his heart swell in happiness and muscles yearn for more.
“Of course we will, idiot. You’re the moon, and I’m the sun. Together forever!”
Ness smiled into the midnight sky.
“Together forever…”
Together forever, huh?
“Ness? Can you hear me?”
Looks like Michael is speaking to me again. It’s been a while since we visited the fields.
“Ness? Please, Ness, say something!”
He felt a gentle nudge against his shoulder. Michael probably wants to go get ice cream or something.
“Ness!”
Huh, that’s weird…he isn’t calling me by my first name anymore.
“Alexis!”
Ness opened his eyes. He no longer lay down on overgrown grass during a chilly spring night, but rather an uncomfortable hospital bed with needles in his arms and pressure around his neck.
“Oh my god. Alexis. You’re alive. You’re alive. Ugh, you fucking idiot! What the fuck were you thinking?!”
To his left stood Kaiser. It felt weird seeing his usually arrogant and snarky teammate look at him with such heavy emotions. A frown tugged at his lips. His eyebrows were furrowed deep. Then tears pooled in his eyes, and that’s when he realized, he really fucked up.
Kaiser is...crying?
“S-s….s—”
“Shhh…don’t speak. Your voice box has been slightly damaged. Thankfully, it isn’t permanent, but the doctor said you’ll need to take it easy for a while.”
He gently turned his head over to the right. Noa stood over him with the same neutral expression as always. Except this time, relief was sprinkled on top of his features, his eyes holding a certain softness he could only remember in his earliest of memories. He felt bile swirl around in his stomach at the sight of his mentor and childhood friend looking down on him after such a humiliating experience.
An experience he could barely even remember.
“Woah, wait a second! Don’t cry! Uh, it’ll be okay? Just…take it easy.” His teammate darted his eyes around frantically, and for a second, Ness thought he was hallucinating.
There’s no way that’s actually the Kaiser he remembered.
“Settle down Kaiser. I’ll handle this. Why don’t you go and get the doctor?”
The other didn’t look like he wanted to leave. But one stern look from Noa and he was on his way out the door.
Once the two of them were left with a bit of privacy, his mentor pulled up a chair so he could sit right next to the bedside. Ness had so many questions he wanted to ask, but the burning in his throat and the words from earlier frustrated him to no end. His mind felt oozy and numb, thoughts barely able to form a sense of how he ended up here.
Kaiser and I fought. And then I went to the bathroom. And then I…
“Do you remember what happened, Ness?”
Since he couldn’t speak, he wiggled his hand in a “so-so” gesture. He could only remember bits and pieces, and the more he forced himself to try, the more frustrated he got.
“I see. Well, I don’t know exactly what led up to the event, but I can tell you what I saw. Kaiser found you unconscious against the bathroom floor with a glass shard halfway across your neck.”
Oh. So that’s what happened.
Suddenly, Noa leaned forward, resting a rough hand atop of his. “You know what this looks like to me, Alexis? It looks like you tried to kill yourself. The doctor said you missed the major vessels and windpipe, but you’re not physically cleared to play until the stitches on your throat heal. Do you know what that means?”
Yes, he wanted to say, I know exactly what that means. Because he’d failed, he’s now being cast aside and thrown away like always. Just like Kaiser had done. The team had no use for a beaten and cut-up doll. Tears fell down his face as he accepted his fate. The fate the universe had always destined for him to have.
Noa sighed and squeezed his hand. “Seems like you don’t understand. But that’s alright. Listen to me when I say this, Alexis. You are not off the team; I already cleared that with U-20’s main coach. I’m not sure if you remember or not, but part of the contract you signed stated that in case of a sudden injury, you are to take time to fully recover before playing again. Obviously, you won’t be a regular until further notice, but that doesn’t mean it’s suddenly the end of your career. I won’t throw all the details of your recovery on you just yet, so for now, just focus on getting some rest. Coach will explain more tomorrow once you’re back at the dorms.”
Ness flipped his palm up and squeezed his mentor’s hand back, letting his childish urge for physical contact reign free. Right now, he couldn’t really believe what he heard, but then again, he couldn’t make sense of a lot right now anyway. So he just accepted the rare tenderness on the man’s face and welcomed the slight relief in his chest.
“Ah, good. You’re awake. How are you feeling?”
A female doctor walked into the room, smile kind and reassuring. He gave a thumbs up with his free hand, then pointed to his throat and gave a thumbs down. Overall, he’d felt worse, but the skin on his throat felt like it had been ripped apart.
“Sorry to hear that, Ness. Looks like the painkillers are starting to wear off now. You’ve been in here for quite a while now, after all. I’ll get you on some more in just a second.”
Not sure of what to make of that information, Ness watched Kaiser walk in behind the doctor and reclaim his spot from the other side of the bed. They made eye contact, and his heart almost melted at the sheer intensity in his eyes.
The doctor went over the specifics of his stay. She covered the damage done and reassured him that he could leave as soon as she was done. After 2 weeks, the stitches should be fully dissolved, and he’ll be physically cleared to play again. Until then, he was to refrain from speaking as much as possible, since his voice box had been slightly affected. He could still speak but would be limited based on how much pain he felt.
She also discussed the context behind his visit. Apparently, because of Noa’s status, he’d been able to convince the hospital not to keep him there as an inpatient. He’d be able to go home only if put under strict suicide watch for an entire week and had to attend mandatory therapy sessions for as long as the coach deemed necessary.
Suicide watch…I really tried to kill myself…
Unable to remember the specifics of the event, he found it a bit disorienting hearing everyone refer to it as a suicide attempt. It made everything feel even more like an out-of-body experience. Though given these past few weeks, he wouldn’t be surprised if that had been his intention.
Because if there was one thing he could remember about that night, it was feeling pain.
When the doctor had left, and he was cleared to return home, the hospital room fell into an uncomfortable silence. And to make matters worse, he had no way of asking the millions of questions swimming in his brain.
What happens next? Am I really allowed to stay? Why is Kaiser acting so weird? Why does my head feel so fuzzy? Where’s coach? The rest of the team? Where are my parents?
Unfortunately, he had a pretty good idea about that last one.
“Like I said earlier, take the rest of the day to recover. We will go over the specifics tomorrow morning. In case you were wondering, I told the rest of the team to give you space, so they’re back at the dorms again. Coach is here too, but he won’t ask any more than what I’ve already told him. For now, I’ll give you both some alone time. I’ll wait for you two in the lobby.”
Noa gave the two of them a once-over before leaving. Part of him wanted him to stay and continue squeezing his hand. An inner child’s whine. Yet the other part of him wanted to look Kaiser in the eye and demand what was making him act like that.
Shouldn’t he be mad that I failed?
“You’re such a fucking idiot, Ness. If you weren’t injured, I would’ve strangled you by now.”
Ness is pretty sure that’s not something you should say to someone who had just attempted suicide. Yet he couldn’t help the deranged chuckle escape him. Kaiser looked surprised at that before narrowing his eyes at him.
“Listen, N—Alexis. I’m…Just…You…”
They stared directly into each other’s eyes, not daring to back down. In Kaiser, Ness saw a huge wave of regret dance around his iris. A small boat filled with concern and reluctance sailed around the blue waves in his eyes, and for a moment, he felt completely captivated.
“There’s a lot I want to say to you right now. But since you decided it would be a good idea to damage your throat, I have to wait until your dumbass can talk. I won’t have this talk with you until you can talk back, alright?”
He nodded, unsure of what direction this conversation was leaning in.
“You…you fucking scared me, Alexis. I actually thought you were gonna…y’know…die.” Kaiser’s voice wobbled at the end, and all of a sudden he felt overburdened with guilt.
“Stop right there! I know that look. Don’t blame yourself. Just…just get better. We’ll sort through…” he waved his hands around, “whatever this is. I don’t know why you tried to kill yourself. And I’m honestly really pissed you even thought about it in the first place. But that’s not relevant. Let’s just focus on getting you back to health, ‘kay?”
Ness extended his palm out and upwards in the direction of Kaiser. The other glanced down at it in hesitation, slowly meeting to accept the invitation. Neither of them spoke another word. They just sat there holding each other’s hand, an unspoken conversation floating around the room.
Truthfully, he had no idea what was happening. He had no idea what Kaiser was thinking or why his usual attitude wasn’t present. He didn’t know why Noa had suddenly acted less strict or why his team had given him more space than usual. He didn’t know what had happened in the bathroom or what the rest of the team thought about it.
All he knew was that at that moment, he felt a surge of emotions, most of which were ones he hadn't experienced in a while. Relieve. Content. Happiness. They weren’t loud or overbearing, and they definitely didn’t get rid of the pain.
But they told him that he could make it through this. That they could sort everything out.
Together…
