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HIM wasn’t sure when he became the official therapist for all the other Townsville villains, it just happened one day.
He had been lounging on his throne when a lesser demon came in and announced that the Amoeba Boys had randomly shown up to his realm and were requesting an audience with him.
At first HIM was going to refuse, those lowlifes weren’t worth his valuable time. But at the same time, he was curious. What could those incompetent amoebas want from him?
“Very well. Send them in.” He ordered his lesser demon. A few minutes later, the single-celled beings nervously slunk into the room.
“Well, well, if it isn’t the Amoeba Boys. To what do I owe the pleasure gentlemen?” HIM gave them his trademark sinister smile.
“Say something boys! Yous the ones who wanted to come here.” Bossman whispered to the other amoebas.
“Yeah, yous wanted to come here!” Junior repeated.
“I can’t boss! I don’t remember what we came here for!” Slim whispered back.
“Listen boys, I don’t have all day. I have terribly important villain things to do, something you three will never know about.” HIM was losing his patience.
“We’re sorry Your Evilness. We came here because we need your help.” Bossman removed his hat and bowed deeply.
“We’re trying to be master criminals so we get the same attention that you and the other villains get. No one takes us seriously and we’re tired of it!” He continued.
“And what do you want me to do about it?” The Ruler of the Underworld stared down at them from his throne.
“These two nincompoops keep messing up my plans to become master criminals and I need you to help me get them under control!” Bossman exclaimed.
Slim looked flabbergasted. With a newfound confidence he said, “Well you never think about our plans boss! It’s always about you!”
“Yeah, it’s always about you!” Junior reiterated, feeling emboldened by Slim’s act of defiance.
HIM’s eyes widened. Last time he checked, Slim and Junior hung on Bossman’s every word. Now they were standing up to him. It seemed like there were fractures starting to form within the trio.
“Ya see what I’m talking about?! Lately it’s been nothing but attitude from these two!” Bossman grumbled.
HIM waved a claw, conjuring a couch across from his throne. “Please take a seat boys. I think we’re going to be here a while.”
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“Ok boys, this is what I suggest based on what you’ve told me. You three need to start working as a team. You have three minds yet you’re only using one. Bossman, you need to be more open to the ideas of your teammates. You’re never going to become master criminals if you continue to make things about you. You need to learn to compromise.” HIM stated matter-of-factly.
“But my ideas are so much better than theirs! How am I supposed to let them help?” Bossman cried.
“Your ideas consist of stealing oranges and littering. Those are not master crimes. That’s why the Powerpuff Girls never give you the time of day. You need to think bigger than stolen produce. You need to commit crimes that people will care about.”
“L-Like stealing someone’s car?” Slim proposed nervously. “Exactly!” HIM grinned evilly.
“How would we do that though? That’s impossible!” Bossman said.
“Yeah, impossible!” Junior added.
“You have many assets that you simply don’t use. Be creative!” The demon encouraged.
“I don’t know. It seems hard.” Bossman seemed reluctant.
“Listen to me. When I was in the Beat Alls, do you think I wanted to rob banks?”
The Amoeba Boys shook their heads.
“Exactly! I wanted to do bigger things, like kidnap the mayor! But I did what the others wanted anyway because I knew that our combined abilities made us a force to be reckoned with! I even put up with those ridiculous annoyance crimes for a bit. That’s what compromise is about boys. It’s about thinking about the entire team, not just one member.” HIM concluded his anecdote.
The Amoeba Boys sat for a while, before collectively gasping, “Oh, we get it now!”
“Good. Now I have a task for you. I want you three to steal something valuable and bring it back to me.”
“Your Majesty! Are you sure we’re ready for that?” Bossman sputtered.
“I wouldn’t have asked if I believed you weren’t capable of this. Just remember what I told you.” HIM gave them a sweet smile.
“Yes boss!” The amoebas immediately slid off the couch and went to fulfill their task, bowing deeply as they left.
HIM smirked, eagerly anticipating their return.
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The next day, HIM was again reclining on his majestic throne, when the Amoeba Boys burst into the room, huge grins on their faces.
“Your Highness! We have the item, just like you asked!” Bossman exclaimed, rising from his bow.
“Yeah, the item!” Junior piped up.
“Excellent! Bring it here.” HIM extended an arm, opening his claw.
Slim plopped a gorgeous crown adorned with rubies and obsidian into his claw.
HIM placed the extravagant accessory on his head and admired himself in his handheld mirror.
“I’m impressed boys! How did you do it?” He asked, briefly tearing his eyes away from his lovely reflection.
“Well, I said that we should go steal something from the history museum since they have tons of valuables in there. But we had no idea what to take.” Bossman started.
“So we walked in and then Slim saw that pretty crown thingy. He thought you would like it.” Junior continued.
“So we made more of ourselves, got all the people sick by coughing on them, and then snuck out the back when they passed out!” Slim finished excitedly.
“Well gentlemen, I must say that I’m very proud of you. There’s one more thing you should see.” HIM grabbed the morning paper and showed the Amoeba Boys the headline. It said:
Master Thieves Strike at Townsville Natural History Museum! Priceless Crown Stolen Yet To Be Found!
The three prokaryotes gaped at the newspaper then immediately laughed with glee. “We did it! We’re master criminals!”
“You certainly are. Keep scheming like this and you will gain so much respect and prestige.” HIM praised.
“We owe it all to you Your Majesty!” Bossman kissed HIM’s claw and sunk into a bow.
“Yeah, you’re so wise most evil one!” Slim repeated the display of gratitude.
“Yeah, thanks!” Junior concluded, doing the same.
HIM smiled wickedly as the Amoeba Boys jovially left his throne room. He had turned a group of nobodies into master criminals overnight! He cackled gleefully as he read the article further, enjoying knowing that the Powerpuffs were stumped by this crime.
If he could help strengthen more villains, then the girls wouldn’t be able to take on all of them. Townsville would finally be ruled by evil! HIM was surprised by the warm, fuzzy feeling in his chest. Helping others felt kind of good, even though he was helping them do nefarious things.
HIM couldn’t wait for his next client.
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Sure enough, the Amoeba Boys had told all the other villains about the profound advice the demon had bestowed upon them. Villains were now flocking to HIM’s door, looking for the same help, wisdom, and listening ear.
Not all the villains wanted help with schemes or committing crimes, some of them just wanted to vent and someone to talk to.
Like Princess Morbucks for example. She was currently sprawled on HIM’s couch, furiously ranting about how hard it was being a rich teenager.
“And then my daddy said that I couldn’t use his cars anymore! But I didn’t mean to crash his vintage Rolls Royce into that old lady in the crosswalk! That old bat should’ve made room for me!” She sobbed.
“It sounds like you’re having a difficult time right now.” HIM said sympathetically.
“That’s not even the worst of it! My boyfriend cheated on me and then I see him with Blossom Utonium at school!” Princess cried harder.
“No!” HIM gasped dramatically, handing her a tissue.
“I know right?! And I still love him! I don’t know what to do!” She dabbed at her eyes.
“Honey, you have to get over him! He’s trash, a cheater! You don’t need scum like that in your life. Especially scum that hooks up with a Powerpuff of all people.” His demonic voice slipped through.
“But he was my first boyfriend!” The young girl sniffled.
“Darling, you’re young. You have your whole life ahead of you. You’ll find someone who’s worthy of your time, who truly cares for you. He doesn’t deserve you.” HIM told her.
“You’re right! He was a loser anyway. He wouldn’t even get me a Louis Vuitton bag! And when I told him to steal it, he said that was ‘immoral and illegal’. What a bunch of bullshit!” Princess rolled her eyes.
“You should call him right now and tell him how you really feel.” HIM slyly said, a malicious gleam in his eye.
Princess smirked and pulled out her phone. She dialed and waited for a bit. Finally, the person on the other end picked up.
“Hey Tyler, it’s Princess! I just wanted to call and let you know that you’re a pathetic piece of shit! You’re not even that hot and you have a small dick! I always faked it when we hooked up!”
HIM choked on his strawberry daiquiri. Wow, I did NOT need to know that, he thought.
After a few more insults, Princess hung up, looking satisfied with herself. “Wow, that felt great!”
“You see how healthy expressing your anger can be?” HIM pointed out.
“Yeah! I feel so much better now, thanks HIM!” She handed him a gift box and then skipped out of the throne room.
The demon watched her go fondly. Princess might be annoying, spoiled, and entitled, but he had quite a bit of respect for her. After all, he knew what she was capable of, her time in the Beat Alls showcasing her vindictive side.
She also wasn’t afraid to speak her mind and he admired that about her. She had a lot of potential as a villain.
He opened the box to find the newest Gucci handbag.
Being a therapist is certainly fulfilling.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok, maybe being a therapist isn’t always fulfilling, HIM groaned mentally.
He was having quite the stressful day today. So far he’d had to: speak with the principal at his sons’ school for over half an hour because Brick beat up a student so badly that they lost six teeth, scold a lesser demon for ruining his Prada dress, figure out how to get the Gangreen Gang to stop fighting with each other (he even had to break up a fist fight between Ace and Snake), and console Fuzzy Lumpkins while he cried about how his relationship with his ‘wife’ was falling apart (his wife was a pile of mud, hay, cloth, and flowers on top).
Now, he was listening to Harold and Marianne Smith bicker with each other.
“She never supports my interests! Always nagging at me about not getting things done around the house when I’m trying to come up with evil plans!”
“Well, I wouldn’t have to nag if you would just do things when I ask you to!”
“Have you two ever told each other how these things make you feel?” HIM questioned tiredly.
“I’ve tried but Harold always retreats to his secret little room!” Marianne cried.
“That’s not true! I tried to have a mature conversation with you and you blew me off to go watch your soap opera!” Harold accused.
HIM sighed, exhausted. “Ok, here’s what I recommend. You two should set aside a dedicated amount of time each week to have an open, honest discussion about your relationship with each other, ideally when your kids aren’t around.” He hoped that was enough to satisfy the couple.
They blinked for a minute, then smiled. “That’s really good advice. Thank you, most evil one.” The pair took their leave, much more loving with each other than when they entered.
HIM slouched in his throne and closed his eyes for a minute. He was incredibly drained by the events of the day. He had spent all day listening to other people’s problems and now he needed someone to do the same for him.
Luckily, he knew exactly who to go to for that. His own therapist. HIM stood and teleported into his bedroom.
“Honey, can I talk to you?”
His husband Mojo Jojo put down the newspaper he was reading. “Of course my dear. I assume you have had a most strenuous day.”
“You can say that again.” HIM collapsed on the bed.
“Tell me all about it my love. I am here to listen.” Mojo walked over to where his wife was laying on their bed.
“Oh dear, where do I even start?” The demon exhaled heavily. “Oh yeah! This whole day has just been exhausting!” And HIM launched into a full on rant.
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“And then I had to listen to Fuzzy act like the world was ending because his wife doesn’t talk to him. Of course it doesn’t talk to you, it’s a pile of garbage!” HIM finished, out of breath from all the talking he just did. He was laying on their bed, head in his husband’s lap.
“My jewel, lately you have dedicated so much of your energy to others. It is time to take some time for yourself.” Mojo advised, rubbing his wife’s temples.
“I know darling, but when am I going to find the opportunity to do that? I have so many royal duties and other things to take care of!” The demon theatrically placed his claw on his forehead like he was about to faint.
“And you will, just not right now. You are going to relax first.” The evil genius pressed a kiss to HIM’s forehead. He continued kissing his way down his face until he reached his wife’s lips, stopping to gaze down at his beautiful lover.
“Oh Mojo, you always know just what I need. I love you.” HIM said adoringly, just before being kissed on the lips.
“I love you too my infernal beauty.” The other replied, joining their lips together.
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After his ‘session’ with his own therapist, HIM felt rejuvenated. Mojo always knew what to do when he was stressed out. He was truly grateful to have such an attentive and doting husband.
Even a therapist needs a therapist sometimes. He smiled to himself.
A lesser demon popped in to let HIM know that he had an unusual client requesting his help. Well, it looks like it was back to work for him!