Chapter Text
~ ~
What if my heart was your heart
What if my forever was your forever
What if we held the future in our hands
And what if I were you
~ ~
Friday, October 14, 2022
Louis’ Villa
Pandanus Palms Retreat
Pandanus Island
7.15pm. In his recording studio…
“And then there’s the guest speaker spot at the Podfest Expo in Orlando, Florida, on January 28th. They’ve agreed to have you attend virtually and I’ve secured you the closing slot at 4pm Orlando time, which is 9am your time, so that should work well,” Andy says, sounding somewhere between exasperated and excited, which Louis has learned is his default position, and always enjoyable for him for witness.
Andy, his PA, slash agent, slash social media manager, who is based in the UK, has been a godsend since he started with Louis a couple of months ago. He organises Louis’ work life with an efficiency and enthusiasm Louis would never be able to muster, and would never want to. He’d initially baulked at the mere suggestion of having someone work for him in this capacity, but Harry had convinced him it was a good idea–necessary even–if he wanted to avoid becoming overwhelmed with all the minutiae of this new world he’d stumbled into. He was right, of course.
“After that, you’re straight into the IndyPod Summit on February 2nd, which is run on UK time starting at 10am, which’ll be 10pm your time.”
“Slightly less appealing,” Louis comments wryly as Giselle winds her way through Louis’ ankles under his desk.
“Yeah, noted. They’re keen to work with you though, so they can be flexible about the slots. You could go for the pre-dinner slot at 7pm, but that’s a super early, 7am start. Although, if you’re in the UK then things would be far simpler. Were you and Harry still thinking about coming back for his birthday?”
“It’s going to depend on his filming schedule, but nothing’s been decided as yet.”
“There’s a slot at 11am, so how about we can opt for that, for now, and then we’ll discuss further once things with Harry’s work are firmed up. I assume you’re okay staying up a bit later?”
“Yeah, 11pm is definitely preferable to 7am.”
“I can definitely attest to that,” Andy concurs around a yawn, reminding Louis that it’s pretty close to that time for Andy right now, bless.
When he’d put his first episode of Blind Luck out into the void, he’d hoped it would get a bit of interest, a few hundred listens would’ve been a success for him as long as he was reaching some people and offering a perspective that perhaps people haven’t heard before.
But that’s not what happened. Not even close. Instead, it’s become something akin to a viral success, as Andy persists in describing it.
When he’d sat in his creative room–or recording studio, as it’s become known–talking into the microphone, it had just been cathartic, for the most part. Speaking his mind, opening up about his journey and its challenges. But most interestingly for Louis, when he’d listened back to the recording, he’d been surprised to find that there was a far more positive edge to what he had shared than he’d expected.
It’s not that he romanticises what it’s like. Being trapped in this sightless world, betrayed by his own body, is a constant reminder of the life he’s lost, it’s just that the new life he’s found is wonderful in so many ways too, and if he had a choice between the two, he’s not certain that he wouldn’t choose this one. There are days when it monumentally sucks and times when he still thinks he’d give anything to be able to see, but those instances are becoming less and less as time passes. It might be the slightly morbid curiosity that draws listeners in, but, as he’s been told repeatedly, it’s that attitude that keeps them coming back for more. That, and his special brand of witty banter with his guests. Oh, and something about his sexy, raspy voice and rugged good looks. Anyways… moving right along.
“Okay, so depending on how things shake out, we can look at other events and invitations after Christmas. Is that alright with you?”
“Yeah, sounds good to me.”
Giselle chooses that moment to jump up onto his desk, scaring the shit out of him. She’s getting impatient like she always does when Louis doesn’t pay attention to her, so she rectifies that by climbing into his lap and immediately nuzzling at his hand. He pets her and scratches behind her ear as Andy continues, Giselle purring happily.
“Right, now onto your book.”
Of course, the book. What even is Louis’ life? This one definitely came out of left field. He’d initially thought it was a joke when Andy had sent him the email. Why on earth would anyone want to read a book about him?
Apparently, a lot of people. According to the book agent, anyway. And the £100,000 advance from the publisher that was secured last month had backed that up and pretty much confirmed that no, this wasn’t a joke.
It’s kind of an extension of his podcast, autobiographical for the most part, with a heaping dose of–as the agent had phrased it in their approach letter– ‘his special brand of wisdom and banter’.
Harry had laughed pretty hard when Louis had shown him that.
So Louis had swatted him in the chest and proceeded to withhold sex.
He’d like to say that he managed to hold out for a suitably significant time too, but when you have a begging, pleading, apologetic, and sexy-as-all-hell Harry Styles as your husband, restraint and principles are far harder to maintain.
Louis had lasted less than 24 hours. Whatever. He’d made his point.
Of course, what he hadn’t shared with Harry was that when his app reader had gotten to that bit of the letter an hour earlier while Harry was out snorkelling with Liam, Louis had nearly pissed himself from laughing so much.
“Ahhh, the dreaded book,” Louis says to Andy, sighing dramatically.
Andy inhales sharply down the line. “What? What’s going on? What’s wrong?”
Louis chuckles. “You make this too easy, mate.”
“Louis Tomlinson,” Andy scolds and Louis can practically hear his eye roll. “You and your banter need to be contained to your podcasts.”
“But then… the book, Andy. The book!” Louis is such a shit to him, but he secretly thinks Andy likes it.
“Fine,” Andy huffs out, and there’s that exasperation again. Louis will count that as a win. “The podcast and the book. That’s it.”
“Well, that’s no fun.”
“This is business, Louis.”
“I know, and I’m sorry.” He’s not.
“You’re not.”
“Well spotted,” Louis says with a smirk.
The book itself is actually progressing quite well. He’s got most of the structure down and everyone seems to be happy with that as well the first chapter that he’s sent them. It’s not his first priority with everything else he has going on, but he’s sure he’ll have it done in the 9 months he has left to get the first draft submitted.
“So, how’s it going?” Andy asks.
“Yeah, good. Working on the second chapter.”
“Really? Okay, that’s excellent. Let me know if you need anything. Now, can we go through the guests you’ve got lined up for your show up until Christmas?”
“Andy. You’re amazing, I couldn’t run my work life without you, and you could probably organise your way out of a wet paper bag, but… I really have to go. Got kind of a big day here if you recall.”
“Yes, right. We can run through the upcoming guests when we speak next-”
“Friday,” Louis finishes for him, adding extra emphasis.
“I thought we said-”
“Andy, buddy. I’m taking a week off. I know we said 4 days, but I’m exhausted and I want to enjoy my second honeymoon.”
“Oh, okay, of course… I can cover things for you, no problem.”
“That’s the spirit! Knew I could count on you.”
Louis can practically hear Andy sitting up a little straighter. “You can. I’ll email you anything important and send through a calendar invite for next Friday.”
“Thanks, mate. Really appreciate it.”
“I hope, uhm… I hope you have a truly wonderful day today and enjoy your second honeymoon.”
Louis grins. “I’m sure I will. Catch you in a week, Andy.”
“Bye, Louis.”
Louis ends the call, taking out his ear buds and focusing his full attention on his lapful of fur. “Hello, sweetheart. How’s your day been going then? Been doing the rounds?”
It had taken 5 weeks to get Giselle out here from the UK and through quarantine. She’d initially been grumpy, which was to be expected, but she loves her new home now. She spends her days wandering around the retreat, finding all-too willing victims to shower her with affection and pets and chins scratches and to feed her treats. But she always manages to know when Louis is in his recording studio, curling up on his feet or lap, or stretching out in a sunny spot on the floor to keep him company.
He drags his hand down from the top of her head to the tip of her tail. She chirrups at him happily and he gathers her up in his arms and heads into the bedroom, setting her down on the bed while he goes into the bathroom to shower and shave. He hates to make her move, but he actually does have things to do to get ready for this evening. After all, he is renewing his wedding vows in a couple of hours.
It’d been Harry’s idea. A fresh start he’d called it. A way to restate their love for each other and the future they were embarking on in front of their new family.
Naturally, because this was Harry, it hadn’t just been a casual conversation over tea and cereal one morning. No, the big, sappy idiot had gone ahead and proposed to Louis for a second time, maintaining he’d wanted to do it properly.
It had only been a couple of weeks since Harry had arrived on the island and they’d been on their regular evening walk along the beach. Harry had stopped him at contemplation rock and gotten down, with one knee pressed into the sand, and proceeded to give the most heartfelt, romantic speech Louis had ever heard.
Louis had accepted without hesitation, tears streaming down his cheeks. They’d fallen into a pile of limbs and kisses and very nearly defamed his precious rock, but thankfully, they’d managed to make it back to the villa, still mostly clothed, before ravishing each other.
From there, Niall and Little Pea had appointed themselves joint wedding coordinators, and Harry and Louis had let them run with it, if only to allow for their budding romance to develop further. Maybe it’s something about the fresh, sea air on Pandanus, but love seems to bloom easily here.
Harry stayed at the main house in one of the B&B rooms last night because apparently Louis’ husband is a sucker for tradition, even the second time around. It’s actually kind of adorable.
He finishes in the bathroom and heads back out into the bedroom, climbing up onto the bed next to Giselle to work on refining his vows. They’ve both written their own and Niall was well pleased, because of course, in addition to everything else Niall does on the island, he’s also a celebrant and will be officiating for them this afternoon. It’s not a formal service, nothing legal, so it’s really not necessary, but Niall had insisted he was the man for the job and who were they to deny their friend.
The sound of a power saw cuts through the peace of the retreat courtesy of the builders who are next door working hard on their dream home into the early evening to get it finished. Their permanent residency had gone through within a couple of weeks of the applications being submitted, Niall making good on his promise for a speedy process, and the purchase of Old Juke’s place had closed a month later. The construction arm of Homes by Horan had taken over from there and the demo crew had arrived a few mornings after the ink had dried on the contract. They hadn’t wanted anything extravagant, just a simple home that met both of their needs, and their architect in Fiji had delivered on their requirements perfectly. Move in date is set for a week, which will perfectly line up with the return from their honeymoon on Palm Island.
Palm Island will also–quite conveniently–be the venue for the ceremony. Louis had found such peace on the island when he’d retreated there to hide away from Harry that weekend, and they’ve been back numerous times since, including for the rager Becky had suggested. It had been a toss-up between Palm Island and the beach across the road with contemplation rock, the site of Harry’s proposal, but ultimately, the seclusion of Palm Island had won out.
Harry had finished up on his shoot on location in New Zealand yesterday and flown back to Pandanus, and he’s got just over a week off for their honeymoon before he has to return for the push up to Christmas. It’s been going quite well, Harry flying there and back. Louis misses him when he’s away, of course, but they talk most evenings and send each other voice notes throughout the day. They knew going into it that it wouldn’t always be easy, but they’re making it work and that’s what’s important.
Originally, filming was supposed to move to the UK for interiors on a studio lot outside of London in January, with Louis intending to travel back with Harry. But delays due to poor weather in New Zealand have now pushed that out until at least February, a month later than intended, hence the uncertainty of Louis’ schedule at the beginning of next year. But Louis isn’t worried, it will all work itself out, Louis knows that. It always does.
The ceremony is set for just past sunset at 9pm on the beach with a late dinner under a marquee afterwards. When Harry had suggested such a late start, Louis had initially been confused, but then he’d explained that he wanted to do it in the dark so that it could be a level playing field, or as close as they could manage with the moonlight still shining down on them. Louis had stood there, stunned, for a full minute before he’d broken down in tears.
He pops in his ear buds and listens to his vows for what seems like the millionth time. He knows them by heart at this point, has pored over them, refining and rewording until he has them as perfect as possible. In truth, no words will ever be able to convey how he feels about Harry, but he reckons he’s made a valiant attempt.
Harry definitely has an advantage here, being that a big part of his job is to memorise lines, but Louis is confident he’ll do okay. He still listens to them another three times though, and then says them outloud to Giselle, just to be sure. He’s got this.
Louis taps on his clock app and it reads the time out to him. 8.15pm. Based on Niall and Little Pea’s strict schedule, the guests, along with Harry and their clothes and supplies for the next week, will be heading over to the island now in readiness, with Niall coming back to collect Louis at 8.40pm, so he can make his grand entrance. Louis hadn’t thought that bit was necessary, but again, Harry had insisted it had to be done right. His husband is such a fucking sap.
Louis pets Giselle’s soft fur. “Alright, girl. Guess it’s time for me to get ready.”
She pushes into his palm, making a little sound of acknowledgment.
He gets up and goes back to the bathroom to do his hair, blowing it out and styling it into a quiff. He doesn’t often bother with more than a bit of product to hold the fly-away feathery bits in place, but he knows how much Harry likes it when he’s clean shaven and quiffed.
His outfit for tonight is a special order that Liam helped him select online from a boutique in Byron Bay, Australia. It’s not the kind of thing he would usually wear, but Liam had assured him it was absolutely perfect and would knock Harry flat on his arse when he sees him for the first time.
Harry had picked something up in New Zealand and Louis has–infuriatingly–been told nothing about it, no matter how much he tried to bribe Liam to sneak a peek for him.
Louis slides on the light grey linen trousers and the material is soft against his skin. He sits on the edge of the bed and bends down, rolling the cuffs to mid-shin just as Liam had instructed. Harry’s always had a thing about his ankles. You can tell a lot about a man by his ankles, Harry has often said, so Louis intends to show them off for him as a special treat.
His shirt also linen, but in a sky blue that Liam had demanded he select because it was a close match to the colour of Louis’ eyes. The unusual feature about the shirt though, is that while it’s constructed in a traditional manner, it has no buttons, zero. Instead, it remains open and billowing to reveal Louis' torso. It’s perhaps a little brazen, but this is the South Pacific and Louis has never exactly been shy, so he thinks this’ll be another nice surprise for Harry who can barely keep his hands to himself when Louis is fully buttoned-up.
Louis spritzes a mist of his favourite cologne and walks through it, steps into his leather slides, locks the front door, and heads for the boat ramp.
The road is quiet, just the gentle sounds of another island week winding down and the rhythmic tap-tap-tapping of his cane on the ground affixed with the small, raised plastic circles that guide him.
The lilting laughter of children playing on the beach is carried to him by the sea breeze. Happy and joyful, and Louis’ heart skips a beat. It’s the one thing they haven’t talked about since Harry’s been here; starting a family of their own.
It’d seemed like a preposterous idea to consider after Louis lost his sight. He couldn’t fathom how Harry still thought it was a possibility. How could they start a family when Louis couldn’t see? But back in the UK, before Louis had left, Harry had kept on mentioning it like nothing had changed, like they could still go ahead with their plans to adopt. Louis had become increasingly frustrated and hurt too with every reference Harry would sneak into their conversations. He felt like Harry just wasn’t acknowledging Louis’ condition as a permanent state, like it was temporary, as if he would wake up one morning and things would be back to ‘normal’ again and they could pick up their life from where they’d left off. But that was never going to happen, and the more Harry seemingly denied the reality of the situation, the more disconnected Louis felt from him, from them.
So, Louis had ignored him, dismissed any mention, or changed the subject, until one day, Harry just stopped. It had fallen out of their lives like so many other things Louis didn’t want to discuss, reducing their relationship to a shadow of what it had previously been.
Even when Louis had interviewed a lovely, inspirational couple on his podcast a few weeks ago who were both blind from birth and had started a family anyway, Harry had artfully avoided mentioning it.
But Louis knows Harry’s desire to have a family of their own is still there, simmering under the surface. What he hadn’t expected was to find that those same desires were still inside himself too.
Louis had always wanted children and it was one of the hardest and most devastating results of his condition, that he would never be able to feel that joy. Because how could he possibly want that if he couldn’t see them? How would he care for them? How would he share their lives and be able to show them the love he would so desperately want to?
Back in England, it had felt so absurd, so utterly unattainable, but here, on Pandanus, a lot of things seem possible in a way they hadn’t before.
The yearning for that dream of a family of their own has grown stronger and stronger over the last couple of months, so much so that Louis had cautiously broached the subject with Niall a couple of weeks ago. Turns out, the adoption process is far simpler here than Louis could’ve envisaged. Just like the UK, there are still a lot of hoops to jump through and it likely won’t be quick, but it’s definitely achievable.
He’s not spoken to Harry about it yet–and Niall has been sworn to secrecy–but that’s all about to change tonight. He’d thought about including it in his vows, but then decided against it, unsure if he’d make it through if he did. But later, after everyone has gone and it’s just the two of them…
“Tommo!” Niall shouts from down at the boat ramp.
Louis waves in his general direction. “Hey, Nialler!”
Niall gives a long whistle. “Look at you. Damn. It’s lucky Harold’s such a good friend otherwise I might try and steal you away for myself.”
“Mate, a team of wild horses couldn’t drag me away from Harry, you know that.”
Louis stops at the edge of the ramp and he hears Niall jump out of the boat. “Well, I should hope not. Pea and I have put quite a lot of effort into today, and I’m not keen to have that go to waste. Now, let’s get you onboard.”
Louis snaps his cane shut and tucks it into his pocket, sliding off his shoes and holding them in one hand, reaching out the other for Niall to grab onto.
Niall helps him over the edge. “Come sit on this towel,” he instructs, guiding Louis over to sit down. “Don’t want to get those snazzy trousers caked in salt and seaweed do we?”
“Thought you kept your boat in better condition than that, Nialler,” Louis jokes.
“Oi! I’ll have you know that I keep an impeccably clean vessel, just had a bunch of louts and hooligans traipsing all over the old girl all day.”
“Louts and hooligans,” Louis parrots back.
“Exactly. M’afraid you’ve ended up with a family full of them.”
“And I wouldn’t want it any other way.”
Niall chuckles. “Same here, Tommo. Right! Let’s get you married.”
“You do realise we’re already married, right?”
“Details, details,” Niall dismisses. “Wedding, renewing vows. All the same to me. As long as I get to see two of my favourite people pledging their eternal love for one another, you can call it whatever you like.”
Louis laughs as Niall starts the engine. They head off from shore and the breeze is thankfully not too strong. “Take it easy on my quiff, Nialler. No fancy manoeuvres!” Louis shouts anyway.
Niall eases off the throttle slightly, and the breeze almost entirely disappears. “How’s that?”
“Perfect, mate. Thanks.”
They ride along for a while in silence, Louis trying to calm the nerves that are bubbling away in his stomach.
“Y’alright?” Niall asks as if he can read Louis’ mind.
“Yeah. Just nervous, I guess.”
“Totally understandable. Anything I can help with?”
“Nah, I’ll be fine. I think it’s more nervous excitement than worry, actually.”
“As it should be. You’ve got yourself quite the catch in Harold. He’s a bit of alright,” Niall reassures, and then after a beat, “Smells nice too.”
Louis snorts out a laugh. “You’re an idiot.”
“Maybe. But it made you laugh,” Niall says, the smirk evident in his tone.
“You’re a prince among men, Niall Horan. How’s things going with my Little Pea?”
“She’s aces. Lovely, lovely girl. Funny and whip smart. Runs circles around me, but I kinda like it like that. She speaks her mind, but she’s not argumentative. Kind, sweet, and so genuine.”
“That’s a rave review. I’m really happy for you.”
“S’nice… having someone, you know?”
“I do, in fact.”
“And yet you left him. Must’ve been hard.”
“It was… But I only did it because of how much I love him.”
Niall hums sagely. “If you love something, set it free…”
“If it comes back, it’s yours,” Louis finishes for him.
“Glad you finally learned the rest of that quote.”
“All thanks to you.”
Niall chuckles. “Ahhhh yes. I am very wise.”
“You are,” Louis agrees as the boat slows, drifting for a bit before the bottom scrapes up onto the sand and wedges in place.
“Let me just secure the boat on the palm tree up the beach and I’ll come back for you.”
“Yeah, cool.”
Louis waits patiently until Niall returns. “Alright,” Niall says. “Just come to the end and I’ll help you over.”
Louis feels his way along the edge of the boat, finding Niall’s hand easily. He steps over and into the water which is only ankle-deep.
“Can Harry see me yet?”
“Don’t reckon so. It’s nearly dark and we’re a fair distance away.”
“Could you… uhm. This is weird, but can you take my cane? I don’t want it to ruin the line of my trousers.”
“Sure, mate. Although I doubt whether anything could ruin your thighs and arse in those pants,” Niall says, taking Louis’ cane with one hand and patting his bum with the other.
Louis swats at his arm. “You’re such mischievous little shit. I hope Pea knows what she’s gotten herself into.”
“She does indeed,” Niall replies, his grin coming through clearly. “But I’ll have you know, she’s way worse than I am.”
“Somehow… that doesn’t surprise me in the slightest.”
“Alright. You ready to do this?” Niall asks and nudges Louis in the side with his elbow.
“Yeah. Let’s go.”
They link their arms together and walk on, the sand cool beneath Louis’ feet as the heat of the day seeps away. There’s chatter up ahead, glasses clinking, and music playing, growing louder as they approach.
Niall chuckles. “It hadn’t occurred to me that I’d essentially be walking you down the aisle.”
“Huh. True. And you’re performing the ceremony too.”
“Man of many talents, me.”
“That you are, Nialler. That you are. Can you… can you describe it to me?”
“Oh! Yeah, of course. Well, there’s the marquee, which is all white. We’ve set it up just in front of the bungalow that the caterers are using for ease of access, and obviously not the one you and Harry will be honeymooning in. The marquee is rectangular with six posts, three down each side that are stuck in the ground and rope supports drawn out from the corners connected to tent pegs that keep it all in place. The sides are all made of this silky white material that’s bunched up and tied back to the poles with thick silver ribbons, but we can let them out later if the insects are a bother. If it rains there are rolled up, clear plastic sides that we can drop down. Under the marque is the table, big enough for all of us, covered with a thick white tablecloth. The table is set with white and silver crockery, champagne flutes, tumblers for water, and wine glasses. Down the centre, the arrangement is a combination of grey driftwood, dark green foliage, and white and pink jasmine for a hit of colour. The seats are upturned wooden crates, painted white, with white cushions tied on for comfort, because chairs would’ve just sunk into the sand.”
Louis can picture it perfectly. “Good call. It all sounds wonderful. Thank you so much for arranging it all.”
“Nonsense. It was my pleasure. And Pea’s too. She was the brains behind it all, I just provided the brawn and the coordination.”
“You’ve both done amazing.”
“Thanks, man. But wait, there’s more. We’ve got tiki torches around the marquee to provide lighting during dinner for those of us not used to eating without being able to see our food, but not during the ceremony, of course, we’ll snuff them out for that. And, we’ve managed to bring over a red carpet for you to walk down, except it’s blue, because the red was a bit gaudy for the overall theme.”
“So you really are walking me down the aisle?”
“Seems so,” Niall says and laughs. “We’re nearly there. Did you want me to tell you what Harold is wearing?”
Louis’ heart beats a little faster. “Yes, please.”
“He’s in a white suit.”
Louis gasps. “Really?”
“Mhmmm… White suit trousers rolled at the ankles and a white button-down. Of course, he’s only got a couple of buttons actually done up. His hair is up in one of those floppy quiff things he pulls off so well. And he’s… Oh, he’s just noticed us.”
It’s only two more steps later when Niall stops, bursting out laughing, his whole body vibrating.
Louis tugs on his arm, whispering. “What? What is it?”
“Oh my god. His face,” Niall manages to get out. “I think Liam is having to hold him up.”
“What? Why?” Louis hisses.
Niall clears his throat. “Uhm… He saw you? Think you might’ve killed him.”
“So worrying about my cane messing up the line of my trousers really was overkill?”
“Mate, you look stunning, you know that. But seriously? I think you could’ve rocked-up wearing a garbage bag and poor Harold would’ve still nearly keeled over.”
Louis feels like his heart is going to beat out of his chest. “We’d better get this over with before we both collapse then.”
“Excellent plan.” Niall takes Louis’ shoes from him, then clicks his fingers and a few seconds later the music changes to an instrumental version of What If by Five For Fighting.
Louis does very nearly collapse then. He leans in closer against Niall’s side and whispers, “Oh my god. Who picked this?”
“That… That would be your husband.”
It’s almost better with no singing, just a beautiful violin coming in over the top of the piano to take the melody. It’s otherworldly.
This has always been one of Louis’ favourite songs and he knows it by heart. It’s about being prepared to open your heart and to see things from someone else’s perspective, about honesty, and about love against the odds. It’s just perfection.
He and Niall slowly make their way to the end of the aisle and Louis recites the lyrics in his head as they walk…
What if I had your heart
What if you wore my scars
How would we break down
What if I were you
Once they reach the start of the blue carpet, Niall tells him to wait while the tiki torches are snuffed out and all the guests get into position on either side of the blue carpet with Harry up front.
What if I told your lies
What if you cried with my eyes
Could anyone keep us down
What if you were me
What if I were you
They start off again, murmurings and little sniffles from the guests, Niall commenting that it’s really fucking dark, even with the moonlight.
What if your hand was my hand
Could we hold on and let go
What if your life was my life
And what if I were you
They reach the end and Niall positions Louis facing Harry, side-on to the guests. Harry takes his hand and Louis knows this is going to be tough to get through in one piece because he already has tears in his eyes.
The music drifts away and then it’s just the sound of the waves lapping at the shore and the blood rushing in Louis’ ears.
“Baby. You look amazing,” Harry says in awe.
Louis reaches up and lays a palm on Harry’s cleanly shaven cheek, dragging it gently down to his exposed chest. “Apparently you’ve scrubbed up pretty nicely yourself.”
Niall clears his throat from beside them. “Right, well, we might make a start before we all melt into a collective puddle of emotional goop on the sand and get washed out with the tide. Is that alright with you two?”
Louis smiles and nods as Harry says yes.
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today…”
Louis furrows his brows because that’s absolutely not what he and Harry had agreed on with Niall.
“What?” Harry asks, confusion evident in his tone, and putting voice to Louis’ thoughts.
“Just kidding,” Niall says, chuckling. “Just some celebrant humour to kick things off!”
There’s a smattering of groans from the guests and it definitely eases the emotionally heavy mood from a minute ago.
“Right. Now let’s begin properly… Thank you all for coming tonight to celebrate along with our friends, Louis and Harry, as they renew their wedding vows. It’s been a sometimes bumpy road to reach this point, but I think I can speak for all of us when I say that we’re glad you’re both here, no matter the journey. From the moment Louis arrived on Pandanus he stepped right into our hearts and we’re so grateful that you chose our tiny island to put down roots. For Harry, things may not have been quite as smooth with your arrival… Yeah, again, sorry about that… But lucky for us, you’re a persistent little fucker, and thank god for that.”
Their friends all laugh and Louis clearly hears a few agreements being spoken.
“It’s been wonderful to witness how you’ve both become key members of our community, and of course, part of our family. I’ve always felt that you’re only as good as the company you keep, surrounding yourself with good people, who have good hearts and sharp minds. I wouldn’t have thought at the beginning of the year that our family was missing anything, but now I can’t imagine it without both of you. The light and joy and humour and love you have in excess and share with us all is astounding. But it’s the love you share between you that is so deep and unrelenting… that’s a thing of true beauty. It’s immutable. It’s written in your DNA. But you haven’t had it easy, we all know that, some of us more than others. Even so, you’ve somehow managed to make it through, stronger than ever. As they say, when life hands you lemons, you-”
“-wanna make sure there’s someone around with lots of tequila and salt!” Little Pea shouts.
They all devolve into more laughter, Harry and Louis included.
“Yes, thank you, Pea,” Niall says, his exasperation and eye roll clearly audible. “But look, I could go on all night, singing their praises, but you didn’t all come here to listen to me babble on, so I might hand it over to Harry and Louis now for their vows before I round out the proceedings. Tommo, did you want to go first?”
Louis swallows around the lump in his throat. “Sure. Thanks, Nialler.” He takes Harry’s other hand in his, rubbing over his wedding band, and fills his lungs as best as he can. “Harry, my love, my world. It definitely doesn’t feel like it’s been four years since we did this the first time, but then again, it somehow feels like that was another lifetime ago. So much has changed, and yet so much has stayed the same. We no longer live in the English countryside, surrounded by rolling hills of green, with frosty mornings, and cloudy days. Instead we’re here, on a tiny island in the middle of the South Pacific ocean, spending our days in shorts and tank tops, with the sun on our backs and sand between our toes.”
Louis takes another deep breath, recalling the next section of his vows. “Lots of other things have changed too, deeper things… Things we stupidly swept under the carpet for too long that nearly ruined us. Things we were afraid to confront… Afraid that we’d make each other sad or angry or disappointed. We spent so long being afraid of awkward conversations that we didn’t know how to start and were even more uncertain of how they’d end. When I lost my sight, I lost more than just that. I lost my self-worth, my place in the world, my hopes and dreams. And we lost each other along the way. I didn’t think I could be who you needed me to be. I thought I wasn’t enough. I thought I was holding you back and that you deserved better. And so instead of having the conversation, to try and claw our way back from where we’d ended up, I made the decision for both of us and left. I thought I was being brave…”
There’s tears in his voice and he isn’t sure he can get through this, but he has to, so he summons every ounce of strength he has. “But I wasn’t being brave, I was a coward, and that was so, so wrong. I know that now. But I never, ever stopped loving you… Not for one second. You are the love of my life and that’s one thing that will never change. You are the most wonderful man I’ve ever met and it’s the greatest honour to be able to love you and to be loved by you. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve that… to deserve you… but whatever it was it must’ve been something pretty amazing.”
Harry grips onto his hands a little tighter as Louis continues on. “I once said in a letter that if you love something, set it free. I thought that was it. But a good friend of ours reminded me that the rest of the quote is the most important part… If it comes back, it’s yours and if it doesn’t, it never was. Thank you for coming back to me, H. Thank you for proving that you’re mine, for not giving up on me, for fighting for me against the odds, and for loving me with your whole heart and soul.”
He’s nearly there. He’s nearly made it, so he heads for the finish line. “I’ve learned a lot since I went blind, but the biggest thing is that I don’t need to be able to see in order to feel love, to give love, or to share my heart and my hopes and dreams. I don’t need to be able to see to know how loved I am. I’m as sure of that as I am of the sun rising in the morning and setting in the evening, of the Earth’s rotation, of the tides and seasons. I know you’ll love me forever, and I you, until we draw our last breaths. Thank you for marrying me, for loving me so fiercely, for chasing me across the globe and refusing to let me go. I love you, H. And I’m so happy to be starting the next chapter together tonight, on this beach, surrounded by our new family.”
Louis lets out a long sigh and blinks, the tears streaming down his cheeks. Harry lets go of one of his hands and wipes them away.
“Don’t cry, baby. Please, don’t cry,” Harry murmurs.
“I just love- Just love you so much,” Louis says through his sobs.
“I love you too, sweetheart.”
“Alright, Harry. You’re up,” Niall says.
“Right. Well. I’m not sure how I’m going to follow that, but I’ll do my best,” Harry says and pauses, gathering himself. “Lou, you’re the love of my life. Even before I met you, I knew you were special, and maybe even fell a little bit in love with you just through your art. But then I did meet you and you exceeded all of my expectations. I didn’t understand how it was possible that someone like you was just walking around single. I couldn’t believe my luck, actually. I too thought I must’ve done something pretty spectacular in a previous life to deserve the attention of the most beautiful boy in the world. And then my damn cat fell in love with you at first sight and I was well on my way too.”
Louis laughs wetly, as do all the guests.
“You light up every room you’re in, your smile is only a tiny glimpse into your wonderful heart, and your laughter is infectious. When you’re not there, the world is a little more dull and colourless… A little less happy. When you lost your sight, it was like I lost my ability to see you… The real you… The you that was standing in front of me. I tried so hard to make everything okay, to make everything normal, but that wasn’t what you needed and I’m so, so sorry, baby. I’ll never forgive myself for that. For the hurt I put you through. For making you feel like you had no option but to run away. But… It led us here and I think we both agree that the journey has been worth the destination, no matter how bumpy the ride has been.”
Louis smiles and nods, because it has. It’s been so worth it.
Harry continues. “Life’s complicated. Not everything is going to be perfect, that isn’t how it works. We’re swimming in a sea of countless imperfections with fleeting moments of perfection. But it’s the sum of everything, the sheer unknowing and unyielding enormity of it all, of these lives that we live, the impossibility of a universe that chooses to bring two people together to travel down this road, that’s the one true perfection.”
Louis can barely breathe, so touched by Harry’s words.
“Thank you for marrying me the first time and saying yes a second time. Thank you for everything you are and everything you do. Thank you for loving me and letting me love you. It is my greatest privilege and I’ll never take it for granted again as long as I live. I love you, Lou, with every breath I take, with my whole soul, with every beat of my heart, and I can’t wait to live out the rest of our future… together.”
There’s silence when Harry finishes, just the waves lapping at the shore and sniffles from their guests. Louis is too overcome to say anything, unsure if he could trust his own brain to supply a coherent thought. Thankfully, Niall steps in.
“Well, that was… Holy shit. Okay… Right. My turn again. Here goes…”
Louis laughs wetly as Harry rubs over his knuckles.
“Louis William Tomlinson, do you promise to love Harry forever, until you’re old and grey, until the last sunrise and the last sunset, from this world and into the next?”
Louis nods and then whispers, “I promise.”
“And do you, Harry Edward Styles, promise to love Louis forever, until you’re old and grey, until the last sunrise and the last sunset, from this world and into the next?”
“I promise,” Harry murmurs.
“Could hardly hear either of you. Wanna try that again?”
“I promise!” They both shout.
Niall cackles. “That’s better! Now, let's seal it with a kiss, lads.”
Harry’s lips are on Louis’ in an instant, firm and soft, chasing him, pushing him, as he presses a hand into the small of Louis’ back to hold him in place. Louis slides his hands up and links his fingers at the nape of Harry’s neck.
Louis opens up and Harry’s quick to dive in, deepening the kiss until it’s hot and wet and bordering on filthy. Harry’s hands glide down and find their rightful place on Louis’ arse.
Harry breaks away long enough to groan out, “Fuck, these pants are obscene,” before he’s capturing Louis mouth once more.
Their family is cheering and wolf-whistling, and when they separate this time, Louis' smile is so wide he feels like his face will split in two.
Soon they’re surrounded; pats on the back, hugs, cheek kisses, and words of jubilation in plentiful supply. Harry lifts Louis up under the bum and he wraps his legs around Harry’s waist, burying his face in the crook of Harry’s neck, wetting his skin with happy tears.
The music starts up again, and soon trays of champagne flutes are doing the rounds. Harry lets Louis slide down to the sand, but he doesn’t let go of him, at least one hand on him at all times. It stays that way while they chat with their friends and bask in their congratulations, when they take their seats under the marquee, and while they eat their sumptuous meal of fresh seafood.
There are heartfelt toasts and tears of happiness. Stories are shared and drinks are drunk. Peals of laughter filter up into the night sky to create a new galaxy from this wondrous night.
Surrounded by his new family and with Harry by his side, Louis is happy, so happy. He still misses his old life and his sight sometimes, but there are times now, more and more frequently, when he wonders whether he would have found this level of peace and happiness had things not gone the way they had.
They dance in the sand, and sing, and laugh, and hold each other close.
They reminisce about the past, and speak of a future that’s yet to come.
They make wishes to the heavens and give thanks for the happiness they’ve found.
They stand on the beach, wrapped in each other's arms as they farewell their family.
They walk, fingers intertwined, to their bungalow to embark on their second honeymoon.
They fall into bed, tipsy on champagne and love and unbridled joy, and take each other apart.
“Did you have a good time, baby?” Harry asks as they come down from their highs, nosing under Louis’ jaw, fingertips trailing featherlight touches along his ribs.
“I did… so much. You?”
“Mhmmm… The best. We get a whole week like this. Can you believe it?”
Louis smiles, carding his fingers through Harry’s hair and gently scratching his scalp. “Sometimes, none of this seems real.”
“Too good to be true?”
“Yeah,” Louis agrees as the gentle breeze flaps the curtained walls, which reminds him… “We slide the proper walls across so we don’t get eaten alive through the night.”
Harry bites his shoulder and Louis swats him away. “Ouch,” Harry whines dramatically. “Fine. I’ll fix them.”
“I might take a quick shower before we go to sleep.”
“Yeah, good idea. Get it going and I’ll join you in a minute,” Harry says, giving him one more kiss and then climbing out of bed.
Louis makes his way into the bathroom and turns on the shower, cleaning his teeth as the water warms up. Harry comes in as he’s finishing up, hands resting on Louis’ hips as he trails soft kisses across his shoulders. Louis turns and kisses his cheek, then moves aside to let Harry at the sink, stepping into the shower and under the spray.
They take their time, washing each other’s hair and scrubbing their sweat-tacky skin, stealing more and more kisses like they can’t get enough.
Niall had made sure there was a whole bag full of clean towels for them to use on the bed so they didn’t have to change the sheets, which was infinitely considerate and also kind of odd to think that he’d planned for their sexual activities. But he’d just assured them that that’s what friends were for, plus, always the savvy businessman, he’d stated that it was cheaper to launder 20 towels than 20 full sets of sheets, which, fair enough really.
Harry strips the towel off the bed and chucks it into the dirty laundry bag and they crawl into bed.
There’s still one more thing Louis wants to talk about tonight before they go to sleep, so he situates himself with his head on Harry’s chest and starts drawing lazy circles between his pecs.
“H?”
“Yeah, baby?”
“I’ve been thinking… I wanted to ask you something.”
“If you’re gonna ask me to marry you, you’re a bit late.”
Louis snags a few strands of Harry’s chest hair and gives them a tug and Harry squawks.
“Don’t be annoying, love,” Louis chastises fondly. “No, I… How do you see our future together?”
“Blissfully happy. In love.”
This is proving more difficult than Louis thought it would be. He should’ve written himself a script like he did for his vows. “I don’t how to… Sorry, I just– I don’t know how to start this conversation.”
“Baby, is everything alright?”
“Yeah, yeah. It’s not… It’s just hard to find the right words.”
“That’s okay. Just take your time. Whenever you’re-”
“Do you still want to start a family?” Louis blurts out and then freezes.
Harry’s silent for a few beats and panic starts to rise in Louis’ chest. God, he’s fucked this up. Maybe Harry doesn’t want that anymore. He’s spiralling, head a swirling mess of uncertainty and embarrassment. But then he feels Harry’s chest shuddering and hears him sniffle, small and timid, and hope begins to bloom in Louis’ heart.
“Lou.”
“If not, that’s totally fine, it’s just that I’ve been thinking about it, and I’d… I’d like to, if you want to, but–”
Harry hauls him onto his chest, sitting up, Louis straddling his lap. He cups Louis’ face in both palms, dragging him into a bruising kiss. Harry’s cheeks are wet with tears as he sobs into Louis’ mouth.
“Oh my god, yes. A thousand times, yes. Are you really sure though?”
Louis nods, bumping their noses together as his own tears start to fall. “Yeah. Yes, I am. If you are?”
“I couldn’t be more sure of anything. Is this your wedding present? Because I didn’t get you anything. Not that anything could ever top this. This is… Holy shit, Lou.”
“You’re my wedding gift. You came back to me. You found me. I could never wish for anything more than that.”
Harry rests their foreheads together. “We’re gonna have a family, baby.”
“Yeah,” Louis breathes out.
“You’ve made me the happiest man in all of existence. Thank you. I love you so much.”
“I love you too.”
Harry leans in and they kiss again. It’s soft and gentle, filled with apologies from their past, and promises for their future, overflowing with hopes and dreams and possibilities, with understanding and so much love.
~ ~
What if my life was your life
What if your hand was my hand
Could we shine bright and fade away
And what if I were you
What if you cried with my eyes
What if you lied with my words
Could we love enough to walk away
And what if I were you
What if you wore my scars
What if you felt my pain
Could we fight and keep us safe
And what if I were you
What if I showed you my fears
What if I shared my hopes
Could we find a light in the dark
And what if I were you
What if I showed you my soul
What if I shared my shame
Could we know and never let go
And what if I were you
What if my heart was your heart
What if my forever was your forever
What if we held the future in our hands
And what if I were you
~ ~