Work Text:
When Feng Xin was a child and was first given the ribbon, he was really excited to get his ribbon. When his father gave it to him and ruffled his hair saying to cherish it, he would not hesitate to follow. His ribbon is sacred to him. It is for a special person in his life.
Now being Xie Lian’s bodyguard he didn't have many interactions with others.
That was until a scrawny short guy came and became the prince's personal servant. Of course, Feng Xin hated anyone close to the prince but he had to accept it for the sake of the prince. Though he could never understand what that feeling in his chest was. The pain in his chest when those beady eyes stared up at him. A desire , the prince said.
—
Many years pass by with the same thing occurring. Feng Xin learned the name of the short—he isn't short anymore, he's the same height as Feng Xin now—guy, it's Mu Qing. It suits him. It's a pretty name for a pretty man—Feng Xin smacked himself when he thought that.
Feng Xin doesn't know why but he feels...aching. In his body, his chest. He doesn't understand this. This aching, hurts. It hurts in so many ways. But Feng Xin can only accept it. What is he supposed to do? It only happens in front of Mu Qing. Why? What’s so different about Mu Qing? Is it the way his hair blows in the wind, or the way his eyes are so expressive despite his face being impassive? Feng Xin could drown, for the aching, it burns .
—
A few years pass, war happens, and lives are lost. Feng Xin leads the battle and fights. He fights for his kingdom and his life. But despite all this, they lost.
Xianle falls.
The disease that consumes their kingdom burns. He weeps for the people that lost their lives to it. He weeps for the soldiers that died at the hand of the enemies. He weeps for himself and the family he lost. He weeps for the prince that fell from his grace. He weeps for Mu Qing… but he doesn't know why.
During this time Feng Xin stumbles upon a woman named Jian Lan. Now Feng Xin didn't know what to call Jian Lan. A lover—no, that was too intimate for what they have. What he feels for Jian Lan is complicated in many ways. He loves her, but this ache he has for Mu Qing consumes him. And for that Feng Xin isn't sure what to do. He doesn't understand labels. But Feng Xin—he had the intention to marry her.
He really did! He was so caught up in trying to escape that he forgot what he was escaping from. Though the feelings he felt for Jian Lan were serious, he dared not give her his ribbon. His sacred ribbon. It just didn't feel right.
—
Time passes by, Mu Qing leaves, Feng Xin leaves, and the prince is alone. Mu Qing leaving was the one day Feng Xin could never forget. It hurts him to think of it, he feels...betrayed. The things he did Feng Xin doesn't understand. Why? Why would he do it? Despite the ache that Feng Xin felt for Mu Qing, he ignored it and buried it. For the prince comes before anyone.
When Feng Xin leaves, he didn't want to. He really didn't want to. His whole life was dedicated to protecting the prince. How could he do that if he wasn't there? But Xie Lian made him leave, and he couldn't disobey the prince, whether his kingdom is standing or not. He was put on the earth for the sake of fulfilling what his father once did. His role as the prince’s bodyguard no longer exists. And now he is just a mere human with no role.
When Feng Xin left, he of course was still with Jian Lan. But as time went on things just didn't work out between them.
Now Feng Xin wouldn't blame it on Jian Lan. Because he had a major role in the fall of their relationship. He was so distraught after leaving the prince that he just wasn't the same person anymore. But even with Xie Lian, Feng Xin felt the same thing, the aching . So because of this Feng Xin never acknowledged Jian Lan as he once did. And so they parted.
—
About a year later Feng Xin ascends. The martial God of the southeast. Truly a fitting title. What he didn't understand is why the southeast? Why not the entire south?
But when Feng Xin finds out why he screams, he yells, and in private, he cries . The tears he drops for the betrayal he faced was unfathomable. He refused to accept it. Mu Qing was the God of the southwest.
If a backstabber was able to get into heaven then couldn't the prince? Why was Xie Lian knocked down for trying to save the common people? Feng Xin couldn't understand.
Why why why why WHY?! Why couldn't he understand ?! This aching that takes place in his heart.
Why does it consume him?
It never happens in front of others. Why must it happen to a man that so painfully made it clear he hates them? He betrayed them. He hurt them and he broke promises. He ruined what little trust was left.
Why Mu Qing? WHY?!
—
Centuries pass and Feng Xin, he waits and waits and waits. He searches, everywhere. He can't find Xie Lian. The prince. His friend. The person he promised many things to. He can't find him.
Feng Xin is tired . Tired of everything. Tired of waiting. But then there's Mu Qing. Mu Qing that yells, Mu Qing that screams. What more could he give?
They argue, they fight, and they hurt. Words are passed and fists are thrown. But it never leaves, the aching.
The desire .
Why is it that when he fights with Mu Qing the world is silent? Nothing exists. Their weapons clashed, and heavy breaths exhaled.
Mu Qing, oh Mu Qing!
How he hates him. But he could never. Oh, he hates him but he could never hate him for the aching that consumes his mind and soul whole is not pain. Rather an affection. A desire. A longing. An intimacy that he dare not share. So he hides, alone.
Feng Xin does not complain. No, he accepts.
He accepts that he could never rid of this feeling. Why? Why why why why?! His mind screams and his body aches yet he does not complain. He accepts but refuses to acknowledge it. So he resorts to hiding the wretched thing. To hide what consumes his soul.
—
The Prince is back. It had been 800 years but he is back. After searching for so long he just happens to come to Feng Xin’s doorstep. Feng Xin doesn't know how to feel. Maybe…relief? He feels conflicted in some way. It's not that he’s mad or sad, but— he’s not sure. Perhaps, anguished? After Feng Xin saw him in the communication array he had to physically stop himself from running up to him. Maybe in future times, he can.
After seeing his highness and his request for help with the bridegroom case Feng Xin descends to the mortal realm to assist him in his disguise. Once he arrives he meets Mu Qing or rather Fu Yao. Now it's quite a surprise to see Mu Qing there but after centuries of dancing around each other, he can confidently say he understands Mu Qing.
It's a surprise that Mu Qing would help Xie Lian. Mu Qing betrayed them yet still helps. Does he understand? No. But will he argue? Yes. Fighting with Mu Qing comes with ease. But it's not fighting it's bickering. They've gone past that phase.
Hurtful phrases aren't simply thrown at each other anymore. Now it's rather a sensitive topic. They've settled a routine for themselves. It's going to be a while before they'll break it. He notices many things about Mu Qing in his disguise. He is more expressive, and happier, he looks free.
And Feng Xin, he doesn't know how to swallow that. He doesn't want to accept it. But Mu Qing. Oh, he looks so free. How could Feng Xin deny him of that?
How is it that even when Mu Qing throws a snarky comment his way he still sounds heavenly? Mu Qing is ethereal in many ways, and Feng Xin could go on and on about it. And he will, but right now he should focus on helping his highness.
—
Months pass within seconds. Wherever Xie Lian goes so does the trouble. A certain man in crimson.
With Crimson Rain, you can never expect good things. Feng Xin and Mu Qing are still wary of him. His highness might not know but they know. They know what he is truly capable of. Yet they do not speak but follow.
So with them, a problem follows. Now they are at Mount Tonglu, with Feng Xin holding Mu Qing with a single hand. Barely holding on. In these moments Feng Xin can only regret all the times he hurt him and accused him. He can only think of one thing: Mu Qing. It's just Mu Qing. Nothing in the world exists. He’s scared. Feng Xin is scared. He is so fucking scared. Without Mu Qing, Feng Xin has nothing. Mu Qing can't leave him. If Mu Qing dies, then Feng Xin will die with him.
Feng Xin screams until his voice goes silent. He screams at Mu Qing,
“Don't you fucking dare try to sacrifice yourself!”
But all Mu Qing did was stare. Then he wouldn't understand but now...it's different.
Feng Xin pulls Mu Qing up and squeezes him. He refused to let go. Fuck Jun Wu. Fuck the heavens. Fuck everyone. At that moment, Feng Xin could only think of the two of them. Sitting on the ledge within each other's arms. Feng Xin pretends he doesn't see the tears that stream down Mu Qing’s cheeks. Words didn't need to be said to understand.
—
The battle goes on. Many were injured but it all comes to an end as Jun Wu falls. But Crimson Rain disappears. Feng Xin was never fond of him but seeing his highness weep for that man, it hurts. He may disapprove of the affection Crimson Rain shows, but if Feng Xin had to choose someone worthy of his highness, Crimson Rain would be the only option.
—
Weeks go by as they reconstruct the heavenly capital. Delegating work to others and sorting through things. The heavens are in rubble but they build. They work together and improve.
Around 4 months after the battle Feng Xin calls for Mu Qing. Their relationship significantly improved after Mu Qing's confession about being friends. Even though Feng Xin wants more, he would take what he could. But the aching, it hurts. It consumes . Feng Xin would wait, he’d wait forever.
When Mu Qing arrives he questions why Feng Xin would need to speak with him privately.
Feng Xin simply grabs the gold ribbon in his hair and grabs Mu Qing's wrist and ties the ribbon around it. Mu Qing of course wouldn't know what the significance is, but he doesn't care. Feng Xin would give him over and over again.
“Hey, I’m not your fucking servant. If you want to get this sewn give it to someone else and fuck off.” Mu Qing glares at him, his face impassive. Though it's clear he’s hurt.
Feng Xin’s confused, why was— oh.
“Mu Qing, no. We’re past that, way past that. Just— just listen, please. It is very dear to me, but it now belongs to you.” He whispers softly.
Mu Qing had a bewildered expression on his face. It's clear he didn't understand. But he didn't judge. Mu Qing stared at the golden ribbon on his wrist.
The ribbon on his wrist dances in the sun. On it, the character ‘Feng’ is written. Mu Qing admires the ribbon. He always had some attraction to it. He never knew why. Feng Xin looks at Mu Qing,
“It's yours now, do what you please.” Feng Xin said with an even voice.
But it's quite obvious, you could hear the tremble in it from a mile away. Mu Qing smiles lightly,
“I’ll take care of it. I promise.”
Feng Xin grins up at Mu Qing and admires the smile that graces his face. That moment will be saved in his head forever.
—
When they visit Xie Lian a few weeks later he notices something. The ribbon, Feng Xin’s ribbon! On Mu Qing?!
It was tied around Mu Qing’s hair. It looked lovely.
Xie Lian pulled Feng Xin to the side and said,
“Feng Xin, the ribbon?! Does he know?!”
Xie Lian had always been aware of Feng Xin’s crush, he just never thought he would give his ribbon!
“Yeah…I- I know he doesn’t know but it feels right.” Feng Xin said sheepishly while rubbing his neck.
Xie Lian just looks back and forth between the two and shrugs. It’s not his business anyway. If his friends decide to get together he wouldn’t mind. It would be great actually.
Feng Xin moves and sits at the table right beside Mu Qing.
“What were you discussing?” Mu Qing questioned.
“Nothing much, just what we’re going to get you for your birthday.” Feng Xin replies.
“My birthday?! It just happened two weeks ago!” Mu Qing glares, but Feng Xin could only admire.
“It’s good to be prepared.” Feng Xin retorts.
Mu Qing just lets out an exasperated sigh and drinks his tea. Xie Lian later joins with his tea and together the trio discusses what's been going on in their lives.
They do this every month. With Crimson Rain gone Mu Qing and Feng Xin take it upon themselves to cheer up their friend. Xie Lian has always been so kind and patient with them. It's these times when the trio can sit down and enjoy peaceful times. But sometimes it's quite obvious just how much Xie Lian misses Crimson Rain. In the meantime, they're here.
—
As the months passed Mu Qing and Feng Xin grew closer and closer together. Quite close. Feng Xin couldn’t believes it either!
What would be an impossible conversation to hold just a few years ago now is easy as talking about the weather. Communication truly is the key in many aspects.
Finally, it's been a year since the battle and it's now the mid-autumn banquet. When Xie Lian’s name gets called the sky swarms with thousands of lanterns. Specifically, 3000. Crimson rain was back. Fucking finally, Feng Xin thought.
And while Xie Lian and Crimson Rain have their reunion, Feng Xin has things to do as well.
Feng Xin grabs Mu Qing’s wrist and takes him to the mountain which the two visit often. Mu Qing doesn't question anything and takes a seat in his place.
Feng Xin moves and sits right beside him, thighs touching. Feng Xin took a deep breath and said,
“Mu Qing, I have to tell you something, and before you say anything let me finish. This is gonna be a lot and I don’t want you to be overwhelmed but—please, believe me. I- I love you. I love you so much it hurts. The aching in my soul that has cursed me for centuries is you. The desire I feel is all for you. My mind, my body, and my soul belong to you. I expect nothing back but I— I just wanted to tell you.”
Feng Xin exhales and looks at Mu Qing, waiting.
“You- you love me?”
“Of course, how could I not? If it isn't believable ask me why I gave you my ribbon.”
Mu Qing touches the Feng Xin ribbon that lies on his wrist and then looks at Feng Xin once more.
“...What does it mean?” Mu Qing asks, hesitant.
“It means I love you. I consider you my soulmate, for I see no one else by my side except you. You have always been my moon and I will forever be your sun. For the stars that dance around us and witness our story cannot fathom the love that I feel for you so intense it burns. I love you. And this ribbon,”
Feng Xin points to the ribbon on Mu Qing's wrist.
“Means only family can touch it. Besides family, it is the owner's lover. When the owner so deeply loves their beloved they present them with their ribbon as a sign of their everlasting devotion.”
Mu Qing just gapes at Feng Xin, maybe he said something wrong. But Mu Qing never answers Feng Xin's confession, does he love him? Oh, fuck! What if he read the situation wrong?! What if—
“I- I- I love you too. A lot. For so long I t- thought the feeling wasn't mutual b- but you saying all these things. Shit um- it feels surreal. I'm not good with w- words but I really do l- love you and I would be willing to do anything for you and um…yeah.” Mu Qing answers as he trails off into a whisper.
Mu Qing just turns his head away, too embarrassed to face Feng Xin after saying all those things.
Feng Xin grins at the flustered mess Mu Qing is in and squeezes his wrist. “Aiya, I want nothing from you. You alone are enough.”
Mu Qing seems to blush even more and tries to turn away again but Feng Xin grabs his chin, leans in, and whispers,
“Can I kiss you?” Mu Qing looks at him through widened eyes and gasps.
“Fuck yes. Please, Feng Xin.” Feng Xin connects their mouths and it's quite obvious that Mu Qing is inexperienced with the way he fumbles. But Feng Xin doesn’t mind, he never did.
When they finally pull apart, the moonlight slips over Mu Qing’s shoulder, spilling over his lap and onto his skin.
Mu Qing is the most beautiful person Feng Xin has ever seen.
“I love you.” Feng Xin says again; like they are the only words that he can bear to say. His eyes wide with a soft, gentle expression. “You are everything I could ever want, and more.”
Feng Xin holds himself back from jumping in the air and screaming out on the mountain. Mu Qing glows—something so holy, so heavenly. Yet he sits here, in Feng Xin’s arms—like something rare, something precious .
Oh .
Mu Qing loves him.
Feng Xin squeezes Mu Qing’s hands, the brush of his skin a prayer—a light—in the vacant night. He brings Mu Qing in for another kiss and whispers, “I love you,” into the warm touch of his lips, and he lets himself believe it. Because Feng Xin understands. The aching, oh this aching never hurt. It burned in a beautiful way. A precious way. This aching is love. It is a love that consumes him. The love he holds for Mu Qing.
“I love you,” Mu Qing whispers back—like a plea, a promise —a promise that he intends to keep forever. “I love you, I love you, I love you, Feng Xin.”
He understands. It's so simple. So, so simple.
Feng Xin understands .
Mu Qing loves him.
It's as clear as the sky being blue and the grass being green. On every surface, every place he glances, there, written in bright, big, bold letters: Mu Qing loves him.
As they break once more Feng Xin stares at the love of his life and admires.
Oh, how Feng Xin loves him.
Feng Xin flashes Mu Qing a bright smile, brighter than the sun itself. And Mu Qing, he is fucking happy. He is so happy.
—
Now that all leads up to now, where Feng Xin stands in front of Mu Qing. Both are dressed from head to toe in red with Mu Qing wearing a veil. He looks ethereal. Even broken down and bloody Mu Qing looks amazing. How could Feng Xin not love someone like him?
Can he feel it, this feeling, this aching that settles deep in his chest? This aching beyond anything he’s ever known. In all the centuries he’s lived, every single one consists of it. This aching . No, not anguish, not pain, not misery, but an aching.
A longing, a desire. This intimacy he is now willing to share. The aching that consumes him is love. Love for the man that stands in front of him.
For so long Feng Xin couldn’t understand. He couldn’t understand why he felt this. The aching. For some time he believed it was pain. Perhaps at one point, it was. The pain of being betrayed, the misery he was buried in, the anguish he laid upon.
Time and time again Feng Xin refused to accept it. In his head, he said he didn't know. But his heart, it knew. It always knew. Maybe he was always aware of what the aching actually was. Maybe he was too afraid to face it. To accept it.
How was Feng Xin better than a mere mortal man if he can't accept the feelings he had? But it has been a while since then. Feng Xin’s aged. Matured. He grew up to be someone better. Someone that was willing to take that initiative.
So he did. He held his beloved hands as he confessed his soul. He allowed the aching to be acknowledged. He dared not wish more, he expected none. But his beloved, he is kind. Under the façade he puts up there is a kind person. This person will treat him with all the care in the world.
Feng Xin’s beloved is so caring. He holds Feng Xin as though he is glass, so fragile. He cares for him in ways others would dare not do. And who is Feng Xin to not reciprocate it?
Sometimes, his beloved weeps. He cries because he cannot accept his worth. And Feng Xin, oh how his heart aches. No, not his beloved aching. This aching that he feels when his beloved is in misery is wretched . His beloved is very dear to him.
So he holds him close, pressed up against his chest to where his heart is. So he can feel the beating, it's all for him. He holds his beloved and showers him in praise, reminding him of his worth. He is lovely, ethereal. No one is more lovely than his beloved.
He admires his beloved ever so much. He has waited for so long. He had wished to marry his beloved. But his beloved was afraid. But why? His beloved is beautiful. No one could ever replace him. With some reassurance, his beloved agrees.
Slowly Feng Xin lifts the veil and stares into the same eyes that stole his heart all those centuries ago. Those beady eyes that once bore into his soul. Those eyes that once wept, doubting his worth. Those eyes that shrank when he smiled. Those eyes of his beloved. His Mu Qing.
It has been so long. Too long. But here they are getting married. Their wedding is huge and extravagant in many ways. Their wedding will go down in history for its significance. The alliance of the martial gods of the south.
Feng Xin takes a hold of Mu Qing's wrist, the wrist that holds his beloved ribbon. The sacred ribbon that he cherishes ever so much. His ribbon that belongs to his beloved. For if his beloved would not exist then he too would seize to exist. His ribbon has no worth if not for his beloved.
He first kisses the ribbon then looks back up at his husband (yes husband!) and whispers ever so softly,
“Hi, Qing-er.”
His beloved Mu Qing smiles and whispers back,
“Hi, A-Xin.”
Both smile at each other and then lean in to have their first kiss as husbands. And Feng Xin, he doesn't have to ask why he has this ache. He understands. This aching it's very dear to him. This aching is beautiful. This aching is precious to him. This aching recognizes his love for his beloved. This aching that burns him is his world, and he wouldn't exchange anything for it.