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“Did you ever wonder why I betrayed you?” Chishiya asks into the relative quiet of the night.
It is not what Arisu had expected of him. Then again, Arisu isn’t entirely sure what he’d expected. The whole situation is not how he thought his night would go.
They’re up on the roof of the apartment building Chishiya lives in. It isn’t technically open to the residents, but it’s hard to care about these kinds of rules after everything they went through. Chishiya and him sit side by side on the uncomfortable ground, leaning back against the walled edge, and Arisu- isn’t even supposed to be here, really.
Arisu was supposed to be back home hours ago, in his family’s house. His father will be worried. Arisu finds that he doesn’t particularly care.
They’d all gone out to celebrate Kuina’s birthday earlier that night, and gotten a little carried away. At some point Ann had had to half-carry a horribly drunk Kuina home, and then Usagi had politely said her goodbyes, and then it was just Chishiya and Arisu, alone, in the middle of the night in the shady light of a streetlamp.
And Chishiya had looked at him, and said, “You can sleep on my couch. My place is closer.” And Arisu had accepted.
That happened a lot, these days. Them ending up alone together after everyone else has left, Chishiya offering Arisu a place to stay. Arisu suspects sometimes that he spends more time on Chishiya’s couch than Chishiya does. And Arisu knows why Chishiya does this, knows he’s been found out, but can’t bring himself to mind. Chishiya had barely caught a glimpse of Arisu’s father in the hospital, months ago, but he’d figured it out, because of course he had.
Arisu thinks sometimes that it should be humiliating, but it’s not. Because it’s Chishiya. Of course, he understands.
It had been surprising the first time it happened. It had been a strange, unexpected olive branch. Now, it’s just normal. They go out, and Chishiya says, you don’t need to go home, not tonight. You can stay at my place, you don’t have to think about your family until tomorrow. Just not in as many words.
Chishiya is unexpectedly kind like that, Arisu has learned by now.
And usually, that’s all it is. Chishiya and Arisu go back to Chishiya’s place together, sometimes they talk, sometimes they don’t, and Arisu falls asleep on Chishiya’s couch. In the morning, he leaves. He doesn’t always say goodbye to Chishiya, but he knows Chishiya doesn’t mind.
Except tonight was different.
Arisu had had a nightmare – of the games, of course, because that’s all he dreams about these days – and he’d screamed so loud that it woke up Chishiya all the way down the hall in the bedroom. Chishiya had come into the living room, hair messy and clothes rumpled, and he’d taken one look at Arisu, and said, “Get dressed.”
Arisu had half expected Chishiya to kick him out. Instead, he’d taken him to the elevator, hit the button to the top floor, and then lead Arisu up that last flight of stairs and through the door that said ‘authorized personnel only’ wordlessly.
It was everything Arisu needed in that moment. It was fresh air and the open sky above him, just as much as it was the noise of traffic below, constant reminder that they’re not in the borderlands anymore, that they’re back, that they’re safe.
And it was company.
Sitting up there with Chishiya, neither of them speaking a word had helped Arisu calm down from his nightmare. And then, out of nowhere, Chishiya had asked that question.
“What?” Arisu asks, caught off-guard.
“Did you ever wonder why I betrayed you?” Chishiya repeats, his face carefully turned away. He does that sometimes. He doesn’t like it when people see his face when he’s being sincere. Arisu can’t quite decide whether he finds the mannerism cute, or sad. “At the beach,” Chishiya clarifies softly, as if Arisu could ever forget.
“Because you wanted Hatters cards?” Arisu asks. What other reason was there? “You needed someone to be a scapegoat to figure out where they were.”
Chishiya chuckles. “Yes,” he admits simply. There’s no point denying it. It’s not like Arisu holds it against him.
“But did you never wonder why you? Out of all the people at the beach, why did I try to get rid of you?”
Arisu had never thought about it before, if he’s honest with himself. All the time while he was tied to that chair, he’d only been worried about Usagi. And afterwards, he’d always had bigger problems. “No,” he admits simply.
“I was just there,” he guesses out loud after a second of consideration. “And I was gullible.”
Chishiya leans his head back against the wall behind him and stares up at the starless sky. He still won’t face Arisu, but that’s alright, because it gives Arisu the chance to look him over in peace.
He’s still wearing his sleep clothes, loose sweatpants and a black sweater, and his hair is a bit of a mess. He’d cut it after the meteorite strike, and has been keeping it a little shorter ever since. Arisu still gets distracted by the change occasionally. Which- tells Arisu things about himself that he’s not entirely willing to face sometimes.
Bathed in the city lights from below and head tilted towards the sky, Chishiya looks like something out of a movie. Then again, Arisu is aware that his viewpoint is somewhat biased.
He’s too smart to pretend he doesn’t notice how his gaze tends to drift to Chishiya these days, how he feels whenever Chishiya offers him a place to stay. Arisu can recount every sliver of information Chishiya has ever revealed about himself, has it all carefully stored away in a hidden corner of his mind. He knows Chishiya’s favorite brand of candy, and he knows his drink order and he knows what this tells him about himself.
“That you were,” Chishiya says after a long moment, with the barest hint of a smile. There’s more to it though, Arisu knows, and so he waits patiently for Chishiya to go on.
Chishiya is quiet for a second, like he’s second guessing himself. He turns his head a little farther away from Arisu.
“You’re my type,” he admits finally.
Arisu chokes on nothing. It is quite literally the last thing he would have expected Chishiya to say. “What?”
“You’re intelligent, and adaptive, and-“ Chishiya cuts himself off to run a hand down his face, looking suddenly very tired. “Tall,” he finishes.
Arisu doesn’t know whether he should laugh. “I’m- What?”
“You’re tall,” Chishiya repeats, like Arisu wasn’t well aware of that fact. “I like that.”
Arisu is lost for words, to say the least. He feels like his brain is short-circuiting. It takes a long second for him to find his voice again.
“You almost got me killed because- What? Because you liked me?”
“No,” Chishiya says, still not facing Arisu. “Not yet. But I knew it was bound to happen. So, I decided to get rid of you myself.”
They’re both quiet for a long moment, Arisu lost for words. “Emotions get you killed in the games,” Chishiya adds softly, almost like an apology.
Arisu nods numbly. In some horrible, stupid logic, it makes sense.
They’d both seen firsthand what attachment did to people in the borderlands. They’d both seen enough people die. But where Arisu had tried to survive with as many people as possible, Chishiya had decided to stop caring about anyone but himself.
Kuina had snaked her way into Chishiya’s heart anyway. But with Arisu- Chishiya had the chance to cut him out of the picture before he ever got that far. It makes sense. Arisu gets it.
But that doesn’t mean this isn’t news to him.
One part of Chishiya’s admission is stuck in his mind. “Not yet?” he asks dumbly.
Chishiya makes a little noise that sounds suspiciously like a laugh. “Yeah,” he says. “Not yet.”
Always so difficult, Arisu thinks almost fondly. Chishiya is the kind of person that doesn’t give up information willingly. Even in situations like this. “How about now?”
“Arisu,” Chishiya says softly. “Don’t make me say it. You know I can’t.”
And Arisu does know. Because Arisu understands Chishiya as much as Chishiya understands Arisu. Chishiya looks at Arisu, and he sees someone who doesn’t want to go home most days, and Arisu looks at Chishiya and sees- this. Chishiya can’t admit it, not out loud.
But he can admit it in other ways. Up here, in the place Chishiya lead him to to help with his nightmares, Arisu decides that’s enough.
“Alright,” Arisu concedes. His heart is beating wildly in his chest, but somehow, it’s so easy to keep talking. It’s always so easy, with Chishiya. “Another question then. When?”
Chishiya doesn’t hesitate. “The ten of hearts,” he responds instantly. “I couldn’t figure it out. And you could.”
Which- isn’t the answer Arisu had expected at all. The ten of hearts was so long ago. It feels like half a lifetime, sometimes. In reality, it was only a few months, but that was enough time for both of them to heal from the most traumatic injuries of their lives.
He’d thought this was something more recent. Something that developed over the course of evenings in random bars Kuina dragged them to, and mornings spent in Chishiya’s kitchen when Arisu wasn’t quite willing to face his father just yet.
But then again, Chishiya wouldn’t tell him if this wasn’t something he was sure about.
Arisu leans over so their shoulders knock together. He should be more nervous than he is, he thinks as he leans against Chishiya, feels his warmth seep into his skin through two layers of clothing. But it’s hard to be nervous here. Chishiya’s presence has been a comfort ever since they came back, and that fact doesn’t suddenly vanish just because Chishiya is apparently confessing to him.
“And when did you figure out I liked you back?”
Chishiya is quiet for a very long time. Arisu doesn’t mind the wait.
“I didn’t,” he says finally.
And somehow, that admission is the most shocking part of the night. Chishiya has his face turned away, but Arisu still catches the little smile on his lips.
Oh, he thinks.
“You followed your gut,” he points out incredulously.
Chishiya shrugs. The movement rattles Arisu a little, but not enough for him to pull away. “It’s worked before.”
Chishiya had told him about the Jack of Hearts, late one night over drinks at his kitchen counter, when neither of them felt like going to sleep just yet. It shouldn’t be funny, but Arisu can’t help it. He laughs.
“You’re surprisingly ridiculous.”
Chishiya just chuckles quietly, and any doubt Arisu might have had about this evaporates instantly. He wants this. He wants Chishiya. He wants him when he’s a bit of an asshole, and he wants him like this – soft and ridiculous.
All of a sudden, he thinks back to the name in his contact list, the one Chishiya had put there the day Arisu was discharged from the hospital. He remembers staring down at the screen when Chishiya handed his phone back to him, and he remembers Chishiya’s unimpressed look at his reaction. Chishiya Shuntarou, it had read. He’d never used that name before.
“Shun,” he says, trying it out. It comes surprisingly easy. “Look at me?”
Finally, Chishiya turns to face him. His expression is suddenly serious, his earlier smile gone. “Arisu-“ he starts softly, before he changes his mind. “Ryou, I-“
Arisu can see him struggle with his words. This side of Chishiya doesn’t come as much as a surprise as it probably should. But, well, at the end of the day, Arisu is almost unnaturally perceptive. Chishiya gets him, and he gets Chishiya, and that’s how they work.
Chishiya can’t say it. Arisu doesn’t need him to.
“I know,” he murmurs. Without thinking about it, he reaches for Chishiya’s hand, slowly enough to give Chishiya every chance to stop him. Chishiya doesn’t, and that’s enough. He can’t say the words, but he can show it. It’s enough. “I understand.”
Chishiya closes his eyes, ever so briefly. “I thought you’d say that.”
“We’ll figure it out,” he says, and finds that he really does believe that. They’ve beaten the borderlands. They can do this.
Slowly, carefully, he brings Chishiya’s hand up to his mouth and presses a kiss to his palm.
Out of the corner of his eye, he can see some complicated emotion flash across Chishiya’s expression, one that he can’t entirely read. A moment later, Chishiya wordlessly shakes his hand off where it’s wrapped around Chishiya’s own.
For all of a second, Arisu wonders if he’s overstepped. Then, Chishiya’s hand lands on his neck, the touch gentle. Oh, he thinks, and can’t help but smile.
“Ryou-” Chishiya murmurs softly.
Arisu nods before he can finish his sentence. He understands what Chishiya is asking.
Chishiya catches his eye, the look on his face terribly sincere. Blankly, Arisu thinks back to Chishiya, the way he was when they’d first met. He’s mellowed out, he thinks with an unexpected fondness.
And then Chishiya leans in, closes the distance between them, and Arisu stops thinking completely.
It’s barely anything. It’s just a press of lips against lips, chaste and soft, but Arisu’s never done this before, at the end of the day. And it’s Chishiya. It’s perfect.
When Chishiya pulls away again, he’s smiling. He catches Arisu’s eyes, runs his thumb softly across the skin of Arisu’s neck, and says, “In the morning. We’ll figure it out tomorrow, ok?”
Arisu can’t help but nod stupidly. He looks at Chishiya a moment longer, tries to commit this moment to memory. There’s a slight red tint to his cheeks and Arisu can’t tell if it’s because of the cold or because of everything else and he can’t help himself. He leans back in.
Chishiya lets him. Arisu can feel him smile against him, and that’s- so nice.
Everything about this comes surprisingly easy. In the rare moments Arisu had allowed himself to think about Chishiya, about his feelings, about the thing brewing between them, he’d never expected that.
He’d thought it’d be complicated and difficult. At the very least, he’d thought he’d be nervous.
But Chishiya’s mouth against his is warm in the cold of the night, and it’s more comforting than nerve-inducing. Chishiya’s hand is gentle where it rests against Arisu’s neck, and when they pull apart, Chishiya’s eyes are soft. There’s nothing to be nervous about.
Chishiya keeps his hand on Arisu’s neck and brings their foreheads together gently.
“Ryou,” he murmurs into the space between them. And then, “I’m cold.”
Arisu chuckles. “Me too,” he admits, his voice barely above a whisper. “Let’s go back down.”
They make their way back down to Chishiya’s apartment hand in hand, and it’s not even a question where Arisu will sleep. Falling into bed together is so easy. Pressing a kiss against Chishiya’s shoulder through the fabric of his shirt, holding his hand – it all comes as natural as breathing.
Later, Arisu falls asleep with his arm wrapped around Chishiya’s waist. He doesn’t have any more nightmares that night.