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The dropship coffee maker was busy this morning. Caustic had brought his extra large travel mug with him today, because he knew he would need it. Now that Vantage had been declared the next official legend, they had to all do their part to include her in all the official things that the legends were contractually required to do. Starting with the most annoying task of all...
It was such a warm and beautiful day outside, and they were all stuck in here doing this instead. They all stood around Hack, waiting to record the message for the official fan hotline. They all hated this. Sometimes they’d have to rerecord it up to three times a month because they were required to keep it up to date, regardless if it would change in another week or so.
Wraith sighed. “Why can’t they just inform us in advance when they plan on signing on new talent? I feel like we literally just did this shit when Newcastle got here!”
“That’s because we literally just did do this shit when Newcastle got here,” Fuse said with a sigh as he stirred in an extra sugar cube into his coffee. He looked at Bloodhound and watched them add so many sugar cubes to their coffee that they had to chew it. “Houndy, go easy on the sugar.”
“We don’t get sugar much on Talos! It’s hard to import!” they said as they excitedly added six more cubes and started eating it with a spoon.
Crypto had made sure that his drone’s energy cells had been recharged because he knew this would be a long day of mistakes ahead of them. Even when there hadn’t been that many legends, it never did take just a few minutes. After Revenant had been hired on, he refused to cooperate and it ended up taking all night just to get him to say his name at the right moment.
“Alright, same shit as always,” Caustic said as he swished his coffee around in his travel mug. “Everyone says their name in order that we’re listed on the roster.”
“And we have to make sure we have everyone’s name in the voicemail recording, because otherwise how will they know they called the correct number?” Valkyrie rolled her eyes to punctuate how she felt about her own sarcastic statement.
“Alright, let’s get this over with,” Mirage sighed.
He had a bottle of water and a large disposable cup of coffee in front of him. One was to stay hydrated, the other was to stay awake. He’d been through this so many times that he already knew how this would go. There were 22 of them now.
“Do we get to add our names to the recording this time?” Fade asked.
“No one even knows who you two are! How the fuck did you even get in here?” Maggie asked.
“Aww,” Rhapsody said sadly.
Yep. 22. Only 22. No more, no less.
“I don’t see why we even need to bother with this. We always have to redo it every time someone else gets enlisted anyway.”
Everyone looked at Revenant, surprised that he even bothered to show up this time. Last time he’d been dragged in by Ash and was still clinging to her bathroom sink. This time he was occupying himself by paging through a book titled The Complete Encyclopedia of Violent Pathologies (now with full color photos!).
Ash looked agitated, suggesting that he was only here because she’d had to drag him in again, hopefully with less damage to her apartment’s plumbing this time. “Simulacrum. Just do this so we can get it over with and move on with our lives!”
“Fine,” Revenant huffed as he turned the page and angled it to look at a vibrant photo of a compound fracture. “Hit the damn recording.”
Crypto counted heads to make sure all 22 of them were present before he started to run the recording for their new voicemail message.
Hack began by playing out the robotic script that began their message. “Hello. You have reached the Apex Games fan hotline. This is...” followed by a beep, indicating that this was the part where the recording started.
Before anyone could begin, Vantage asked, “Wait, am I supposed to use my real name or my call sign?”
Everyone immediately groaned at the early interruption, groans which were also caught in Hack’s recording. The drone played it all back for them immediately afterwards.
“Are you satisfied with this recording? If so, say yes. If you are not satisfied, scream into the endless void and we will start over.”
Everyone looked at Crypto over the prerecorded message. “I get tired of spending hours doing this too,” he admitted.
They tried it once more, and once again Hack repeated his spiel. The second it beeped, the recording once more began.
“Wait, no one answered me,” Vantage replied.
There was once more a mass groan as they were interrupted once more.
“Call sign! You use your call sign! If they knew your real name, they wouldn’t be calling the general hotline!” Caustic shouted at her.
Horizon angrily got up in his face. “Don’t you shout at her like that! It’s a valid question!”
Crypto sighed. “Hack. Do over.”
“Okay. Restarting recording,” Hack said.
At the sound of the beep, they finally started recording the message for real, starting in the order they were listed on the roster, just as they had rehearsed.
“BLOODHOUND!” they shouted at the top of their lungs, causing everyone to flinch.
“Houndy, calm down!” Fuse said. He snatched their mug away from them. “I think that’s enough sugar for you.” He heard crunching and turned his head, sighing as he saw them eating sugar cubes straight from the bag.
They tried it again once more, from the top. This time Bloodhound managed to keep their sugar-fueled energy down as they said their name.
“Bloodhound!
“Gibraltar!”
“Lifeline!”
“MRVN!”
Revenant slammed his hand down on the arm of his chair. “That’s not your call sign, you fucknugget!”
“Oh yeah, I forgot!” Pathfinder said cheerfully.
When Hack replayed the message, Octane questioned, “Can we actually just leave Revenant calling Pathfinder a fucknugget as the voicemail?”
“No, we can’t leave that as the voicemail!” Lifeline replied.
“Hack, do over,” Crypto said again.
This time all was going well, even if everyone sounded a little exasperated at this point, though Bloodhound was still a little energized from the sugar cubes they were snacking on.
“Bloodhound!”
“Gibraltar.”
“Lifeline.”
“Pathfinder!”
“Wraith.”
“Bangalore.”
“Mirage!”
“I’m supposed to go before you, Witt!” Caustic interrupted.
Everyone started making frustrated noises and Valkyrie angrily shouted, “Oh my god, who cares about the order? Can we just get this done so I can do something else with my day, please? Loba and I were supposed to go out for dinner today!” Loba slowly sank in her chair when she realized Bangalore and Revenant were both staring at her.
Crypto was at the coffee maker refilling his mug when he said, “Do over...”
They made it all the way through again, finally getting as far as Crypto before there was a long, awkward pause.
“KALEB!” Ash shouted to get Revenant’s attention.
“Your name’s not Kaleb! Your name’s Ash!” Pathfinder said obliviously.
“Wait, who the hell is Kaleb?” Octane asked.
“What?” Revenant mumbled.
Hack beeped, indicating the recording had timed out, causing even more groans of frustration.
Wraith threw her empty coffee cup at him and it bounced off the side of his head. “It was your turn!”
He shrugged and tilted his book sideways to look at a particularly graphic illustration of a gunshot wound. “I didn’t notice. You’ve all been fucking up so much I didn’t think we’d ever even get to me.”
Ash picked up Wraith’s cup and threw it at the other side of his head. “Well we did get to you and you weren’t paying attention!”
Crypto got yet another cup of coffee. “Do over.”
The next message contained Maggie screaming, “I don’t want to do it over! Do you think this is how I wanted to spend my day out of prison?”
“I have an idea,” Loba suggested. “How about we all just shout our names at the exact same time and then call it a day?”
“That’s what I’ve been saying!” Bangalore agreed.
Hack barely had a chance to repeat their complaining back to them before Crypto started frustratingly yelling at it, “Do over! DO OVER!”
At the beep, Bloodhound shouted their name once more, followed by Newcastle screaming, “Goddammit!”
“What now, brudda?” Gibraltar asked in exasperation.
He reached into the couch cushions behind him and dangled a rodent in front of him. “Ash’s rat just bit me!”
Ash scooped her rat out of his hands and cradled him as though he were a child being unfairly scolded. “It’s not his fault. He’s just getting frustrated because he’s hungry.”
“Well maybe you should feed the beastie?” Horizon huffed.
“I do feed him. He’s always hungry.”
Caustic pleaded, “Just give the damn rat some crackers so we can start over! Now! Please!”
They started over again, once more only getting as far as Crypto before Revenant just said, “This is stupid,” in lieu of actually saying his name.
Loba blurted out, “Your face is stupid!” like a woman whose sanity was slipping.
The room was once more awash with groans, complaints, some tears, and more than a few swear words.
“How hard is it to just say your name so we can get this over with?” Seer asked. “I’ve had to deal with Octavio jumping up and down next to me for the past forty minutes!”
Octane said excitedly, “I drank seven energy drinks this morning to get ready for this!”
Seer pushed him back onto his side of the couch. “I know. Your heartbeat right now sounds like the washing machine’s spin cycle.”
Bloodhound was looking around the room in childlike wonder. “Is this what the world looks like to you, Octane? It’s like I can see into another dimension!”
“Houndy, what did I say about the sugar?” Fuse asked.
“I can hear colors!” Bloodhound said cheerfully.
“Once more. From the top,” Crypto said.
“Master, why must thou punish me this way?” Hack asked.
Bloodhound suddenly got angry. “The color green is insulting me...”
Six hours. Six hours, a smoke break, and a pizza delivery because they all missed lunch later, and they were still sitting around the drone doing this. Revenant had gotten bored of his book and threw it at Pathfinder an hour ago and now was amusing himself by extending his fingers far enough to poke Ash on the other side of the couch.
“Kaleb, you poke me one more time and I’m going to break your arm off and shove it up your...”
“Can we please just stay focused for five minutes?” Caustic shouted.
Crypto asked Hack for another do over. There was a long extended pause where Bloodhound didn’t say anything, followed by the sound of snoring.
Everyone looked at Bloodhound, sprawled across Fuse’s lap. He lifted one of their arms and let go, watching it fall to their side. “Sugar crash...” he explained.
Bloodhound was groggy when they finally managed to wake them up. Their hands were shaky as they accepted the mug of black, sugarless coffee. They barely even seemed to notice the bitter taste of the drink as they sipped it.
“Are we done yet?” they asked.
Fuse patted them on the back. “Almost. Let’s just try to get through this one more time, and then I’ll take you back to my place so you can sleep in me bed.”
“Why does Bloodhound sleep in your bed if you two aren’t dating?” Vantage asked innocently.
“DO OVER!” Fuse quickly shouted.
Bloodhound somehow managed to muster up enough energy to say their one line before laying back down against Fuse’s lap and falling back to sleep. The rest of the recording continued until it beeped, indicating the recording had run out of space. Vantage had said her name really quickly, but the beep occurred quickly enough that they worried she hadn’t caught it.
“Did we get it?” Wattson asked.
“Only one way to find out,” Rampart said as she slapped Mirage’s hand away from the last slice of pizza and stole it for herself.
“Hack, replay the recording,” Crypto requested.
Hack began the replay, beginning with the opening message.
“Hello. You have reached the Apex Games fan hotline. This is...” Hack began before it cut to the recorded part of the message.
“Bloodhound.”
“Gibraltar.”
“Lifeline.”
“Pathfinder!”
“Wraith.”
“Bangalore.”
“Caustic.”
“Mirage!”
“Octane!”
“Wattson.”
“Crypto.”
“Revenant...”
“Loba.”
“Rampart!”
“Horizon.”
“Fuse!”
“Valkyrie.”
“Seer.”
“Ash.”
“Mad Maggie.”
“Newcastle!”
“Vantage!”
Hack’s following message, “Are you satisfied with this recording? If so, say yes. If you are not satisfied, scream into the endless void and we will start over,” was drowned out by the entire room, sans Bloodhound who was still passed out, jumping up and cheering. “Endless screaming into the void detected. Erasing recording.”
“HACK, STOP!” Crypto shouted. “Yes! Yes, we’re satisfied! Yes!”
“Deletion of message halted. Instate new message?” Everyone cheered quieter this time so their cacophonous racket couldn’t be confused for screaming into the void again.
“Hack, delete the message,” Revenant said.
“I’m sorry, Revenant. I have been specifically programmed not to listen to your commands,” Hack replied.
“Dammit...well I tried,” Revenant said while everyone booed and threw things at him.
Everyone finally could relax and enjoy what was left of the sun outside before it went down for the night. Fuse threw Bloodhound over his shoulder and started carrying them out. They became lucid enough to mumble, “I’m upside down now,” before falling asleep again.
“Some people cannot handle their sugar,” Octane said as he sipped another Monster Energy. “Does anyone else hear turquoise?”
Caustic had just gotten his coat on when he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. Everyone looked at him when they saw his posture drop at one glance at the screen. “They just announced the next legend. A girl named Catalyst.”
Everyone else got quiet again.
“Well fokk,” Bloodhound said what they were all thinking.