Work Text:
Both of them are under the same pressure, debut, debut and debut. The thing is, that’s not the main goal. Not their main goal. The true burden on their shoulders is the promise they made when they first fell for each other, whispering “we have to do it together” as they slept in the same bed.
One of them tried to seek advice from someone older, especially Jiwoong, but he kept giving the same answer; “the two of you do know it’s not an easy deal, right? If you guys are meant for each other, no one will leave.”
If. If. If. If. That’s the only word that rings in Taerae’s mind.
If they’re not for each other, then who else? Taerae heaves a deep sigh, he can’t imagine a day without Junhyeon.
They just have to work harder to achieve their dreams.
P12. P07.
“It’s not impossible, Junhyeon-ah!” Taerae squeals excitedly as they check their rankings, hugging the younger boy tightly.
“Ha! By the rate my ranking is continuously rising, you should start worrying in case I steal your spot!” Junhyeon teases, looking back at Taerae with a smirk. He’s joking, Taerae knows he’s joking, but he still looks so attractive and it sets off butterflies in his stomach.
“Haha, very funny.” Taerae retorts, fighting back the blush rising to his cheeks. Junhyeon pinches his cheek and says, “my cutie.”
Taerae punches Junhyeon’s arm when the younger points out his red ears.
☹
Taerae walks into the mission room - where they all gather to receive their new mission, and most likely ‘useless’ Junhyeon said because no one uses that room to practise anyway. He spots Junhyeon and the rest, crowding over Junhyeon, with slumped shoulders and his head hanging low. Taerae gnaws at his lip, mentally preparing himself as he walks over.
Jeonghyeon spots him first, eyes lighting up with relief. “We really don’t know what to do if you are not here.” Taerae has so many things to question like - is something wrong? Is Junhyeon not feeling well? Why do they all look like someone died? Before he can ask any of them though, Seunghwan cuts him off, “I think we should give them some space.”
Now, that doesn’t make Taerae feel any better.
He watches the Ggang team leave, silently praying this is not what he’s been worrying ever since they got the dual position task. He sits beside Junhyeon, who’s still facing the wall and hasn’t look up since Taerae arrived.
"He-"
"Did you have fun?"
To say Taerae is taken aback is an understatement. “What?”
“I asked, if hyung is having fun with Man In Love team.”
Oh. It is what he’s worrying about. The Jeonghyeons have been hinting at how Junhyeon’s confidence continuously drops and is under a lot of pressure with making choreography. And Taerae, well, he thought the younger would come to him and talk about it, like he usually does.
He thought wrong then.
“Uh… It was pretty fun? I think. Dongyeol hyung is a good leader and Woojin definitely need more time to improve though. It’s okay because I can help him! The hyungs too! Oh and Mingyu hyung is really funny. You should hear him sing, warning, he’s very loud. Not as loud as you, of cours-”
"Hyung."
“- and don’t tell Jiwoong hyung this but I really miss Back Door team and I got to be with you all the tim-”
"Hyung!"
Taerae stops talking, he doesn’t even realise he was blabbering. He’s too used to telling Junhyeon about his day.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” Taerae mumbles.
“I was asking about you, hyung. Not them.” Junhyeon tries again, this time, finally looking up. Taerae held his breath, why is his Junhyeon looking so gloomy? How come he never noticed the shadows under Junhyeon’s eyes? He truly looks… crestfallen.
His hand automatically reaches out to hold Juhyeon’s face but Junhyeon weakly waves his hand away. “Answer me, hyung.”
Taerae clenches his fists to stop his fingers from shaking, “I got the killing part. I was really happy because I really wanted to do it.”
Junhyeon nods, “That’s good.”
And suddenly silence embraced the two of them. It was never quiet when it’s just the two of them. People might think Junhyeon talks a lot but the truth is, it’s Taerae. And Junhyeon will listen, listen and listen. However, for obvious reasons, Taerae can only stare at Junhyeon’s expression, he can almost see the wheels turning in Junhyeon’s head. What is he thinking? Taerae ends up asking the question he’s been meaning to ask since he comes here,
"Did I do something wrong?"
“No. It’s me. I… I don’t think I could do this.”
Taerae can feel everything around him stop moving. "What?" Tears immediately well up in his eyes when he doesn't see any hint on Junhyeon's face that he is just playing around. “W-what are you saying, Junhyeon? You are probably tired. W-we should go to sleep, it's late.” Taerae tries to pull Junhyeon to stand up but the younger is petulant, who remains glued on the floor.
“Junhyeon, you can’t act like this. What about our promise? Why are you losing confi-”
“I don’t know, hyung. I didn’t get the song I wanted, I ended up in a team where vocals don't play a big role, and I had to make the choreography by myself so I could at least contribute something. Nothing is going according to my plan.”
Taerae knows where this is going and he’d rather be in hell than hearing it all from Junhyeon’s mouth - someone who he adores, loves, with his whole heart. Taerae clenches his jaw,
“And I still think you are tired. Overthinking things are not good, Junhyeon. Let’s go to slee-”
"Are you acting dumb? You know what this means, right?"
Taerae looks away from Junhyeon’s face. This is too much for him, he doesn’t know how long he can hold his tears in front of the younger. Still, he says, “what?”
"That I don't see us together."
"In debuting? Or us?"
"Both."
There’s buzzing in his ears, his stomach feels twisted, he wants to throw up and the answer from Junhyeon to his last question that’s been bugging his mind since they met isn’t helping in making him feel any better.
“Do you think we would still be together if we are under different circumstances?”
There’s a pause, and Taerae can’t help but have a tiny bit of hope.
"No."
It’s just a word but it’s everything; Junhyeon finally says it and it’s like thorns are pricking Taerae’s throat, like someone told him the sun will never rise again. Junhyeon’s voice that usually had Taerae on chokehold is no longer warm, now it’s acid in its rawest form and it burns Taerae’s heart. It’s a burn that comes from ice instead of fire, the kind that hurts the most.
Taerae stays still in his place, even after Junhyeon whispers to him goodnight and leaves with a big sigh. He doesn’t know how long he stood there, but he just couldn't move. His legs are becoming numb. With trembling lips and shaky fists, Taerae lies down on the floor. At some point, someone turns off the lights - the staff maybe. It stays pitch dark for hours on end, the only sound being Taerae’s silent sobs and unheard cries.
☹
It doesn’t take him long to recover from - sadness? Shocked? Heartbroken? - whatever feelings he was feeling after that event. He’s a participant of Boys Planet 999, he can’t lose his focus now. He might be feeling disappointed but he shouldn’t let the others feel the same too, his parents especially. And so, he carries on with his practices to pursue his dream.
If Junhyeon doesn’t want to make it happen, then Taerae will have to do it, alone.
“What’s up with you and Junhyeon?” And if Taerae could ban this same question being thrown at him every day, he would. Unfortunately.
“Nothing, just busy.” Taerae smiles at Jongwoo, wishing to close the topic as briefly as he can.
“Don’t lie to me,Taerae. I’ve seen the way he looked at you this morning.”
This is Jongwoo he’s talking to. Who is he fooling? His feelings, perhaps. And what does he mean by the way Junhyeon looked at him?
“I was trying to mind my business, I really was until I heard Seunghwan say you guys fought, which automatically explained why Junhyeon looked like his cat died or something. The cat in question is you.” Jongwoo quirks an eyebrow, oh Taerae really can’t run away from this trap, huh?
“Listen, hyung. I really don’t know what’s going on inside his head and I have no idea how this turned out but… this is the final result, alright?”
“Are you giving up on him?”
Taerae never turned his head at someone so fast, he almost broke his neck. “Hyung, you can’t just say stuff like that. If anyone deserves to answer your interrogation, it’s Junhyeon. Not me.”
“Regardless of what he said to you that day, you know he doesn’t mean it, right?”
Taerae manages to let out a scoff and leaves before the older can utter any words. Sure, Junhyeon is only, what? Twenty this year? But that still doesn’t give him an excuse to make Taerae feel like he’s the only one who’s been serious about them. Now that just makes Taerae doubt if there’s even them in the first place.
You see, Taerae lives in an environment full of love. It’s only natural for him to grow up as a hopeless romantic. Throughout the days he met Junhyeon, even before they were picked to be in Back Door, Taerae thinks of the too-easy kisses that Junhyeon initiated, of the confident flirting when it was just the two of them and no one to witness; the fond, longing stares Taerae caught him on, reminiscent of the usual ones, but magnified; the conversations (more like whispers) in the middle of the night when neither of them wanted to drift off to sleep just yet, how Junhyeon always laugh as loud as he can so he won’t regret holding his laughter later, how Junhyeon lied on his side and stared at him with sparkling eyes and listened to every word that fell off Taerae’s lips.
They still bump into each other - they cannot run away, Taerae knows that. That's why he never steal a glance whenever the younger is around. He's in pain, and so does Junhyeon.
He can feel a lump in his throat, and blinks away the tears.
☹
Rehearsal day approaches, and when Dongyeol pulls him away from Woojin and Mingyu, he knows what the leader has to say.
Funny how he can read everyone’s mind but Junhyeon.
“‘When a man’s in love, even if he loses ten to gain one, he gives all he has af if today is his last’ who sings this part?” That’s… not what Taerae is expecting.
“Well… technically Mingyu hyung but they have to write the rap verse so… no one?” He’s not sure why he hesitates, what is this hyung trying to imply?
“My point is, I need you to go talk to your little dongsaeng and figure this whole thing out between you guys. We are singing a song called ‘Man In Love’ Taerae. Not a break up song.” Dongyeol pats his shoulder and walks away as if he didn’t just tell Taerae all that.
He’s bad at hiding his expressions (said Park Hanbin), people (his beloved Wakeonez) said he wears his heart on his sleeve. And if Taerae gets on stage with a strained smile, the audience could tell right away, right?
Fuck it, he’s the hyung between them anyway.
He spots the Ggang team behind the stage, everyone laughing at something except for this one stubborn boy.
Here goes nothing.
"Junhyeon-ah!"
Alright, maybe he’s too excited to say the younger’s name out instead of calling for him in sleep and maybe he’s too loud ‘cause great! Now everyone has their eyes on him. 52 trainees may sound a lot but it’s not, the rumor of Junhyeon looking like a sad puppy and soulless Taerae spread like wildfire after Woonggi found him in the mission room with puffy eyes. Taerae gets it they’re curious, but he really doesn't need that right now.
It’s almost like Junhyeon can hear his thoughts when he replies, “hey hyung, wanna talk somewhere else?”
Oh Taerae missed that voice.
"Yes."
They sit on the couches,facing each other in one of the empty dressing rooms. His hands sweat as they both wait for someone to say something - anything. Needless to say, Junhyeon opens his mouth.
“Mun Junghyun said I was dramatic when I told him my bed suddenly feels a lot more spacious without you and it’s so fucking cold I hardly get a wink of sleep.” Junhyeon pursed his lips. “And we are only away from each other for like… one week? I am barely surviving here, hyung. Is it the same for you?”
Taerae’s heart clenches, “Isn’t it obvious? Hanbin once called me your puppy because I follow everywhere you go.”
Junhyeon chuckles, his eyes travels Taerae’s outfit for tomorrow’s stage and lastly, his face. “You look pretty hyung.”
Taerae’s heart skips a beat.
"Thank you."
And it's quiet again. Is this the right time to bring up the elephant in the room?
"Can we-"
“I’m sorry, hyung.” Junhyeon cuts him off, “I was selfish and inconsiderate, I shouldn't have said all that, but I did. I beat myself up in my sleep that night, and the next morning when I heard they found you in the mission room with a swollen face and red nose, I almost crawled back to you. But I didn’t, I know what I said was wrong. And I believe we will meet each other too even when none of us choose the idol path. I will always choose you, hyung.
“For the first time since I left home and came here, I wept like a crybaby.” Junhyeon sends him an apologetic smile.
“Over me?” Taerae beams, he has had enough mulling over his sad thoughts in the past few days, he will just enjoy this moment tranquilly. The younger, finally sensing the teasing tone from the older, can finally burst out laughing comfortably - his shoulders no longer tense, stop moving his legs.
"Who else?"
Taerae smiles widened before he throws himself in Junhyeon’s arm, who's understandably surprised by the weight of the older. “Wait hyun-”
“I missed you so much, you have no idea!!” He gives Junhyeon a quick kiss on the cheek. “I miss your cuddle the most” a peck, “and your sweet voice when you imitate me” a peck again, “and when we sing together because I think we’re the perfect duo ever!! And if we are not idols, I think of working as a barista and you are the customer, this will work too! I will ask for your number hundreds times!!” Taerae says eagerly, he’s practically on top of Junhyeon now (the younger has no choice but to lie down on the couch and Taerae seems like he has no idea that he caused this) staring at Junhyeon with his starry eyes, his teeth full on display, and of course, his cute dimple to complete his light up face.
Junhyeon can never understand how his adorable boyfriend has that deep ass voice in him.
Boyfriend.
“We are together again right? My cutie boyfriend?” Junhyeon cheekily asks.
“Absolutely! And we are debuting together! And we will also be boyfriends forever! This is my rule now, it's not a promise anymore. You can’t walk out from my life again or I’ll seriously commit a crime, Keum Junhyeon,” Taerae squints his eyes at Junhyeon to make himself look a bit scary.
The younger in return, only hugs him tighter.
“I’ll make sure that won’t happen again, hyung. I promise I’ll come search for you whenever that feeling comes back, okay?” Junhyeon nuzzles his nose against Taerae’s cheek, the older happily squeaks, clearly loving the attention.
They stare at each other just a little longer, with soft smiles on their lips.
Before someone (read; annoyed Park Hanbin) interrupts from behind the door, “alright homosexuals enough! The PDs are looking for you. And don’t tell me that Taerae’s lipstick are all over your face Junhyeon!”
Oh they're fucked.
☺
Taerae successfully ends his performance with zero mistakes. He congratulates his members for doing a good job and gives himself a pat on the shoulder for doing well.
Lucky him having a little giggle in backstage ‘cause he doesn’t have any idea what Junhyeon is facing in the waiting room right now.
“Taerae took the whole Man In Love song way too seriously.”
“He definitely looks like he’s in love, don’t you think?”
“Yeah he’s really glowing… the power of love.”
“And I wonder because of who?”
Junhyeon acts like he doesn’t hear a thing because the screen is still playing Taerae’s ending fairy clip and he just think that his boyfriend is the prettiest man he’s ever seen. He knows his priority.
He silently wishes in another universe, he's holding Taerae in his arm with heart full of love, and doesn't have to worry about their future.