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The refrigerator whirrs loudly in the kitchen. There's a ringing in his ears, incessantly buzzing like the shooting of a rifle, the piercing of the bullet reverberating in his ear, long and constant. The wind howls, knocking on their windows like it knows they’re home. Keys jingle next door, a series of rushed footsteps and muted voices seeping through the walls. A door is slammed shut, somewhere, and the ringing returns.
Distantly, faintly, a child yells "Momma!" and Rei makes himself glance over at Kazuki, sitting next to him on their red sofa. Kazuki doesn’t stir. Doesn’t move a muscle. He stares emptily ahead, at the tv screen that hasn’t been turned on all day. Rei wonders if he should turn it on. If he should say something. He doesn’t like seeing Kazuki like this. The way he used to look sometimes, when they first met. No–he looks worse.
Rei’s foot bounces in place, his hands clench and unclench on his thighs. He looks at Kazuki’s profile and reaches out a hand. Sightly, hovering over his own leg and towards Kazuki’s side, then places it back on his lap, not sure what he wanted to do with it in the first place. The silent air claws at him, leaving him jerky and too-alert, the way he was the first time Miri fell asleep on his lap. Kazuki snapped a photo of him then, quietly laughing behind his phone screen when Miri pulled his hair and he let her move his head in all sorts of directions, not wanting to wake her.
He brushes clammy hands on his pants and stands up, walks over to the fridge, looks for… something. Anything. There’s breakfast leftovers. The extra mushrooms that he and Miri didn’t eat. The cherry tomatoes Miri refused and Kazuki scowled and whined about but put away anyway. He takes them all out, finds the grade A ground beef hamburger steaks from a few days ago and takes those out, too. Heats them up in the microwave, recalling years past, when his fridge would be empty and he’d never used the microwave in his life. Kazuki had complimented how clean it was– it had never been used. It is now. Scratched and abused by small and large hands both. He prepares two plates and takes them over to the coffee table along with two beers.
Kazuki looks down at the food and offers him a small smile. “You can do this now huh?”
“Heating up food?”
“Our Rei has come so far.”
He looks away, slightly embarrassed. It’s such a simple thing to do, but Kazuki is right. He couldn’t even do that before. “Eat it before it gets cold,” he grumbles, and Kazuki chuckles, opening his drink.
“Don’t we have something better? I could use a drink tonight.”
Rei shrugs. Kazuki’s the one that buys everything. He opens his own can of beer and takes a sip. The cold drink burns his throat. He hates it. Takes another gulp.
“We do!” Kazuki slaps his own legs and runs to the kitchen, searching the cabinets and pantry until he fishes out a bottle of alcohol Rei doesn’t care to recognize. Some type of red wine. Kazuki blabbers on about it, kissing the thing like it’s alive. “...Rei are you listening?”
“No.”
Kazuki splutters out a laugh and finds two glasses, sitting close enough to Rei that their knees brush. “I bought it for you. For your birthday.”
“You did?”
“Yeah! I… forgot about it.” Because of the incident with his father.
“Thanks.”
Kazuki fills their glasses and looks at him expectantly, so he takes the drink to his nose and sniffs it. Strong. Too strong.
“Oh, come on, drink!” Kazuki says when he makes a face of distaste. He takes a small sip warily, eyeing Kazuki like he's being poisoned. And it’s… not bad. Tastes of cigars. He takes another sip. Kazuki brings his hands to his mouth and claps. “I knew you’d like it! Eat! It goes well with the steak!”
And it does. The woody sort of flavor pairs well with the food, and he’s asking for another glass before Kazuki even starts eating. The blond man is delighted, fills his glass again, watches him drink. His food remains untouched.
“You’re not hungry?” he asks him.
Kazuki glances at his food, like he’d forgotten it was there. “I’ll eat. I’ll eat”, he says, downing his entire glass in one go and refilling it immediately. Finishes that, too. He steals a tomato off Rei’s plate, then a second and third, until there’s no more. His plate remains untouched.
“Eat my mushrooms too,” Rei says, because he doesn’t really want them. Kazuki grabs them, eats them like they’re the last thing he’ll eat in his life. Chuggs down his third glass of wine and goes for the fourth one, but he can only fill his glass halfway.
“You finished my wine,” he says, and Kazuki laughs hysterically. Rei doesn’t understand what is funny about it. He was saving the last bite of his steak to go with the wine, and his own glass is empty. Before Kazuki can drink it, he steals the half-filled glass from his hands.
“Hey! That’s mine!”
Kazuki lunges for it, and Rei doesn’t have a chance to adjust before it’s knocked out of his hand and onto the floor. It rolls and rolls until it stops, the dark red liquid spilling out like blood, staining the rug below. Kazuki stills his movements, slowly letting his body flop on Rei, his spirit spilling along with the wine. Rei tenses with the foreign pressure on his side, one hand still up in the air where he’d held the glass. Kazuki’s hair tickles his arm. He wants to push it away, but one look at the man, and… he can’t. Kazuki looks small on his shoulder. Brittle. His face hides on his arm, and Rei thinks he should touch him. Pat his head. Tell him it’s okay. His hand raises one, two times, until it lands the third time, on the other man's back.
Kazuki peers up at him, a question in his eyes. He nods minutely and Kazuki shuffles closer, drapes a hand across his stomach and buries his face on his chest. “Is this ok, man?” he asks, and Rei nods. Kazuki can’t see him, but he must feel the movement, because he slides a hand around his back to settle in more comfortably, and he feels himself shivering slightly. Kazuki peers up at him again, silently asking if he’s okay. He nods, and Kazuki’s face is so close, he thinks of touching it, and his hair.
“Thanks, Rei,” Kazuki says, head settling back on his chest. Rei pats his back in response, leaves his hand there.
The silence returns. But it’s not so bad, this time. There’s a warmth in his arms and it soothes his cold bones. Helps him forget the sounds of Miri’s laughter. Her smiles. Her screeches and pouts and the way her eyes lit up when he called himself her papa for the first time. He thinks he hugs Kazuki a little tighter, he’s not quite sure. His heart aches and there’s a growing lump in his throat that refuses to go down with his swallows. A warm hand wraps around his fist, and he unclenches his fingers. Loosens his rigid jaw. Sighs a stuttering breath and closes his eyes, settling his chin on Kazuki’s head.
The night cruises by, silent and bare. Rei wakes up with a sore neck and an aching back, faint light beginning to rise outside. He doesn’t move. Pets the blond head on his chest instead, only hazily aware that it’s Kazuki there. He thinks of that cat he wasn’t allowed to have, how soft his fur was. Softer than Kazuki’s hair. Softer than Miri’s. He hugs Kazuki a little tighter. Sees the untouched hamburger steak and wants to throw it away. To never eat it again. He thinks of Kyutaro and his boss. Hugs Kazuki closer, buries his nose in his hair.
The morning is not their usual one. The smell of breakfast doesn’t wake him. The stove sizzling with hot oil and clattering pans and dishes in the sink a figment of his dreams. Kazuki sits at the kitchen table, leaning back on a chair with his eyes closed.
“Are you ok?” He feels stupid asking. Already knows the answer. Kazuki opens his eyes and gives him a small smile. Doesn’t say anything otherwise. Rei’s stomach twists.
“Do you want breakfast?” He understands food. And, it worked yesterday.
“Will you cook it for me?” Kazuki asks, probably half joking.
“Sure,” he answers, easily. He can handle breakfast. Has done so several times before. Kazuki puts his chin on his hands and smiles that same little smile again. He can't stand it. Looks away and heads to the kitchen.
He makes tamagoyaki, one of the first dishes he learned after french toast, and one of the easiest ones. He makes sure to clean as he cooks and avoid unnecessary clutter. When it’s ready, he sets it in front of Kazuki and sits down in front of him to eat. Kazuki stares at it blankly, not picking up his chopsticks. Not moving at all.
“Is something wrong with the food?”
Kazuki raises his head and looks at him with that same empty gaze, the same one from yesterday. The first few months after Kazuki first moved in with him, he'd look at him that way sometimes. Watching him eat with a creepy smile that only went away after he finished everything. It's more unsettling without the smile.
“Itadakimasu,” he mutters, and begins to eat. He sees Kazuki pick at his food from the corner of his eyes.
“Do you remember,” Kazuki says, breaking the silence, “you didn’t know how to use a microwave?”
“You said this yesterday.”
“I did?”
“Different words. Same meaning.”
Kazuki hums between bites and says nothing further. The clinking of their chopsticks against their plates is louder than Miri's squeals and cries ever were. Kazuki cleans the dishes after, and Rei goes to play games, choosing one he has finished before to lose himself in the repetitive motions.
The day drags. The house echoes. He can hear himself breathe.
“Kazuki.”
The blond man sits on the sofa next to him, pretending to watch him play. “Hm?”
“Should I bathe you?”
That jerks him awake. “W-What?!”
“Should I bathe you?”
“No! Why?!”
“You did it for me," he shrugs. "When I wouldn't."
Kazuki blushes pink and sniffs at his shirt. “Do I stink?”
“Yes.” He smells of grapes and woody cigars. “It’s the wine.”
“Oh! I got some on me yesterday. Shit. The rug!” He scampers up and looks around until he finds the small patch of faded pink left on the rug after Rei scrubbed it clean earlier, while he napped. He realizes this, turning to Rei with raised eyebrows. Rei shrugs. It’s not a big deal. Yet Kazuki stares and stares, looks back at the rug and the clean apartment– Rei put away all of Miri's toys and jacket, away from sight– and Kazuki crumbles.
His eyes redden and he sinks to the floor on his knees. Stares at the floor some more until he's shaking. Crying. Rei is used to his loud dramatics, his exaggerated snot and tears that vanish at the drop of a hat. Not this kind of desperate, lonesome grief that pulls at his guts and strangles him.
He tries to swallow down the feeling, but the lump in his throat returns and sticks and expands down to his chest. He grips the edges of the couch, watching Kazuki, and stands up. Kneels next to him. Extends his arms toward him, the gesture familiar– it’s what he does to Miri, when she cries and needs a pair of arms to soothe her. Kazuki looks at his outstretched hands, drags his gaze to his face and smiles weakly, grabbing one of his hands to pull him down into a slightly awkward embrace. Rei waits a few seconds to pull back, but Kazuki presses him tighter into his chest and he gives up, sits fully on his legs and wraps both hands around him. Rubbing circles on Miri’s back helps calm down when she is upset and weeping, so he does the same for Kazuki. It is all he knows.
Kazuki doesn’t fall asleep like Miri tends to, but he latches on to his shirt, his shuddering sobs buried on his shoulder, his trembling unceasing, the occasional whimper tightening the knot in Rei's chest that he thinks might kill him. He runs a hand through Kazuki's hair, again and again, until Kazuki grows limp, quiet.
He thinks he might be asleep, feels his own exhaustion weighing him down. His head slides to Kazuki’s shoulder, eyes drooping, arms loosely wrapped around Kazuki’s neck. Kazuki mumbles something and the arms around his waist tighten. He's pulled closer, and it's in the comfort of that warmth that he falls asleep, stirred awake only moments later by a kiss to his temple. A red-eyed Kazuki is looking at him with such warmth it moves something in him, the knots in his guts smoothing, clearing.
“Too much?” Kazuki asks him, and he shakes his head, because he doesn’t mind the touch, but the affection overwhelms him. Not Kazuki’s, but his own. His body doesn’t know what to do with it. Kazuki smiles at him, and he tries to return the gesture. But his lips ache when he does, not because his muscles aren’t used to it– they are, now, thanks to Miri–but it hurts to smile. It's painful. His eyes sting, and Kazuki pulls him forward again, back to the familiar warmth of his arms.
“You can cry, man” Kazuki whispers, even though there’s no one else in the house. No one they're not supposed to wake up in the middle of the night.
Rei doesn’t cry. He can't. He isn’t someone that can. His body is dry. Hollowed.
Kazuki hums a soft little melody he used to sing to Miri at her bedtime. Rei grips the back of his shirt.
“We couldn’t change, huh,” Kazuki murmurs after the song comes to an end. “Guess a child was never in the books for me.”
Rei opens his mouth to say something, but he can’t formulate any words. And, he doesn’t know, if Kazuki’s wrong. He has no reassurances to offer, so he clutches Kazuki’s shirt tighter in his hands, his nails scratching the skin through the fabric. Kazuki relaxes his arms around him and peels himself away, smiling, and it’s one of his normal smiles. He ruffles Rei's hair, kisses the top of his head near his forehead and stands up, offering him a hand. Rei takes it, rubbing at his kissed forehead, eyeing Kazuki until he chuckles and leans in to kiss the side of his head this time.
“Kazuki.”
“Okay, okay, I’m stopping,” he chuckles, raising his arms.
They sit back on the couch and Rei resumes his game, and invites Kazuki to join him.
They play Morio Kart for the rest of the day. And night. Obsessively smashing through missions like they’ve done them a personal wrong. And when Kazuki inevitably falls asleep on his shoulder, Rei pauses the game to lay him down properly on the couch, brings a blanket over to tuck him in. Kazuki mutters something that sounds like "Miri, come here", and he sighs, covering the man up to his chin. He moves hair out of his eyes and Kazuki moves with the touch, nuzzling his hand. He hesitates for a few moments, looking at the vulnerable man before him, gives in to the impulse and leans in. Kisses his forehead.
His game resumes, quietly. Two, three more levels unlocked and he’s drifting off. The next time he awakens, his head is on the couch, Kazuki’s hand warm under his own.