Chapter Text
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Arthur walked towards the motorhomes, and he stares at the familiar one of Oscar, he has been here too many times already.
He swallows and then walks towards the door. He has to do this. He needs to know the truth.
"Hey." Says Oscar when he opens the door and sees Arthur standing there. He looked in shock at Arthur who awkwardly stand there.
"Hi, can I come in?" Asks Arthur, and Oscar goes to the side to let Arthur in.
"Thank you." Whispers Arthur and he walks inside. He feels his hand tremble and it sweats.
"Are you okay? I heard you were in the hospital." Says Oscar and Arthur takes a deep breath.
"That's not what I'm here for." Says Arthur.
"Okay." Says Oscar, and he sits down and Arthur sits on the other side. Arthur has his hands together and he looks everywhere but at Oscar. Why did he do this? He wants to go.
Arthur lets out a sign and he places his head in his hands.
"I don't even know where to start, Oscar." Says Arthur, and he hears the shaking breath of Oscar.
"You ask me everything and I will be honest, I promise." Says Oscar, and Arthur looks up.
"Why? What did I do wrong?" Asks Arthur, and then he sees the tears forming in Oscar's eyes.
Funny how he's the one almost crying and Arthur didn't cry once about this.
"You didn't, it was me who did wrong. Arthur, you really are everything I ever wanted. Gosh, I really thought you were the one for me." Says Oscar, and Arthur's heart started to beat faster.
"That's a lie." Says Arthur.
"It isn't, I really thought you were. But then I got closer with Logan and-" Oscar signs and held a hand through his hair.
"I'm such a fool to let my feelings speak and not my head."
"Did you already like Logan when we started dating?"
"No, I swear Arthur, I didn't. Yes, we were friends but I didn't had feelings for him. It started later."
"When?" Asks Arthur and he sees the pain in Oscar's eyes.
"In the summer break 2021." Says Oscar and then Arthur's eyes widen. "I'm so sorry Arthur, we were drunk and I woke up next to Logan." Say's Oscar
"And then you have been fucking ever since?" Asks Arthur and Oscar nods slowly.
"Not immediately, I felt really bad and took some distance from Logan. But then it all got to much." Says Oscar.
"You lied to me for two years! Our relationship had been a lie for all those years Oscar!" Says Arthur, and Oscar shook his head.
"No! No Arthur, nothing was a lie. I love you, I really do and I did all the time. I love you so fucking much."
"Stop! You were fucking someone else, of course you didn't love me! You were playing with my feelings. God I fell in love with you while you were with Logan. I fell in love with you and- God."
Arthur stands up and bit his lip while he starts to pull his hair.
"You said you loved me, you're a liar!" Tears are forming in Arthur's eyes for the first time.
"Cause you never ever..... Ever did!"
"I did, baby-" Oscar stands up and grabs Arthur's arm, who pulls away and looks at Oscar with wide eyes. His breathing is hard and he struggles.
"I believed you, every time I believed you. I'm so stupid."
"You're not. I do love you, you have to believe me." Says Oscar and Arthur laughs.
"Believe you? How can I believe you when you have been fooling around behind my back." Says Arthur.
"All those times you wanted to be alone, that you were busy with your data or just wanted to be alone. Your trip to Mclaren but wss cancelled. Those were all lies."
"I'm so sorry." Whispers Oscar and Arthur's stomach starts to hurt when he sees the tear roll down on Oscar's cheek.
"I gave you all the space you needed even though I needed you. I never came to you when I needed a hug or when I cried in my bed because I felt really bad. And all those moments you were with Logan?"
"I was." Whispers Oscar.
And then the tears came and they fell.
"What the fuck, Oscar." Sobs Arthur and he leans against the wall.
"What have I done wrong for you to hurt me like this? I did everything you pleased. I tried so hard for you."
"You did nothing wrong, Arthur, please. This is all my fault and not yours. You are perfect like you are and I.... This is all my fault." Says Oscar.
"You must have had a reason to mess around with Logan behind my back? Why would you look further then if you had me?"
"I don't know! I really don't know Arthur. I had this craving feeling with Logan and I couldn't let it go."
"So you pushed me away? Created this distance between us and then still say to me you love me."
Oscar sits down and they are silent. Arthur feels Oscar's eyes on him but he can't look back at him.
He can't believe his relation has been a lie. He tried so hard to let Oscar in, he always had difficulty trusting people or loving people, the fear of losing them was big.
He lost a lot in his last few years. Jules, then his brothers went around the world, then his dad passed away, and after that his mother lost herself and let him all alone in the big house while his brothers went away again. When he got sick and ended up in the hospital he never heard a thing from the people he saw as his friends even his best friends. He lost everyone back then.
He never went back to school, he didn't have the change to make new friends because he couldn't. Why need friends when they will hurt you again? When he went to Formula E for his testing job, he talked to people but never saw them as friends, they were working together, nothing more. And then he started racing again himself. He had a lot of fun with his team mates.
He drove in 2018 for French F4 Championship. Then in 2019 Freca European Championship. He went to Prema in 2020 where he drove for Regional European Championship and that was the year where he started to make friends. Charles really helped him in this period. Just like Mick who he got close to. He met Oscar there too, and he will never forget the feeling Oscar gave him. At first, he was friendly, but that changed fast and the way he was scared for this feeling only got bigger.
He never thought he could fall in love. He closed that off, he told people he didn't want that. He was too scared for that.
Oscar had nothing but patience with him, took him to cute little dates or picnics.
"I trusted you." Whispers Arthur, and then he looks at Oscar who looks at him just as heartbroken.
"I know, and I ruined it." Whispers Oscar back and Arthur looks away.
Never ever trust people.
No one will stay, they always go.
His friends aren't his friends, they are fellow drivers and when you are gone they will forget about you
If he goes away from Formula, he will lose everyone.
"I'm so sorry Art. I hate myself for falling for Logan. I really thought you were the one for me. I still believe you are. But so is Logan, you two have something and I don't know what it is." Says Oscar and Arthur nods.
"Even how fucked up it is, I'm glad you are honest with me about what you feel for Logan." Says Arthur, because he is. He doesn't know how he would handle it or Oscar would say that he doesn't love Logan or that it was just fucking. Because it can't be only fucking if you are doing it for two years.
"I'm so confused about my feelings. I have been for a while. And pushing you away felt easier, but I only started to miss you more, but the same with Logan." Says Oscar.
"Are you with Logan now?" Asks Arthur, and Oscar shook his head.
"No, nothing has happened since you saw us. We spoke and agreed that we needed some time apart from each other. So that we could think, that I could think." Says Oscar, and Arthur nods.
"I understand." Says Arthur
"Arthur, is there still a change for us?" Asks Oscar and Arthur dares to look at Oscar.
Is there a change?
"I don't know." Whispers Arthur and a tear runs down his cheeks.
Fuck that hurts to say.
"Aside from Mick, you were the one I trusted again after such a long time. I've never trusted someone like I trusted you. You were the safe place for me that I hadn't had in a long time. You came when I didn't even trusted my own brothers because of everything that happened. I don't know if I could ever trust you again." Says Arthur, and then closes his eyes.
"Part of me is screaming to let you in again, that we can make it out. But the other part is saying that I need to focus on myself and that I don't trust you enough to built this up again." Says Arthur.
"I understand that, even though it hurts me." Says Oscar.
"You really think I could trust you now I know all of this? Two years Oscar. Our whole relationship is a lie."
"It isn't. I really love you, all those years."
"But not enough. Otherwise you wouldn't look at someone else!" Says Arthur, and Oscar was silence.
"You know I'm right." Says Arthur, and he heard his phone beep. He looks and sees how Lorenzo send him a message asking where he is.
"I need to go." Says Arthur, but when he wants to stand up, Oscar graps his arm.
"Arthur please." Begs Oscar and Arthur looks at him.
"I don't know what you want me to say? That I forgive you? That we can still be together? Oscar, every time I close my eyes, I see you in bed with Logan. I can't even think about spending time with you because I will go crazy in my head." Says Arthur and Oscar let him go.
"I can't focus on this right now. I need to focus on myself because I want to try everything to not end up in the hospital again. And I know that spending time around you will make everything so much harder, I can't do that, Oscar." Says Arthur.
"I understand that, and if you do give me a change I will do everything to help you." Says Oscar and Arthur stares at him.
"I don't need help, I can do this on my own."
"You can't, that fight is so hard." Say's Oscar.
"And I can trust you with that? I can't even trust you not touching other men!" Says Arthur with a laugh.
Does he really think he can help him with this? Fighting off the feeling of wanting to starve yourself so you can be tinner. He can't trust anyone with that.
Not even his family, because they will always have their meaning about it or talk to him about what he can do best. They don't know, nobody does.
He's all alone in this fight with his own body and mind.
"I know it's difficult, but please, Arthur." Says Oscar and he sits down in front of Arthur who sat down again.
"Oscar, I need you to be honest." Begins Arthur and doesn't let Oscar finish.
"With what?"
"You are lying to yourself. What do you really want? What if I forgive you? Will you give up Logan for me? Or do you choose Logan even when I forgive you. You love him too, you said that yourself. Can you give Logan up?" Asks Arthur and for the first time, they really had eye contact and Arthur stares at the tears in Oscar's eyes.
"I have to choose, I know that." Says Oscar.
"Even if it hurts to say, it's okay if you choose Logan. I want you to be happy, Oscar. I love you no matter what, gosh I hate this feeling that I want to go back in your arms and we forget about all of this. But that's not how it works. This is the real world and not our dream future." Says Arthur, and Oscar lays his hand on Arthur's knee.
"You do need to think about what you want, because I can't stand to get hurt again. And that is why I don't think I can be with you anymore, even though it hurts me so bad to say that. You are my first love, my first for everything and I think I will love you forever." Whispers Arthur, and the eye contact becomes too much, but he can't break it.
"But I can't handle being around you right now." Whispers Arthur and push the hand of Oscar away.
"I really want to go." Whispers Arthur, and a tears fall down on Oscar's cheek.
"I love you forever." Whispers Oscar and Arthur shook his head.
"Don't lie to me." Whispers Arthur and he sees the broken impression in Oscar's eye. "Don't lie to me or Logan, we don't deserve that."
"But I do Arthur, even though you don't believe me. Even all those times with Logan, I always loved you and that's why it got so hard. I still don't understand why this happened, why I fell for someone else when I love you so much."
"Sometimes you want to love someone, but the heart isn't there, even though you want it to be." Whispers Arthur and Oscar looks away.
"You want to love me, but your heart is with Logan. Otherwise you wouldn't do this to me." Says Arthur, and his stomach hurts with the sob that leaves Oscar's mouth.
"It's better if we leave it like that. I can't do this Oscar."
"Don't give us up." Whispers Oscar.
"But you already did, Oscar. Two years ago." Says Arthur and Oscar looks up again.
They were both shocked when the door was pulled open and Logan walked in.
"Oscar, where the hell are y-oh." Logan fell silent when he saw the two sitting.
"I will go." Says Logan, and wanted to go back through the door.
"Wait!" Says Arthur, and Logan stops.
"I will go, you two can talk." Says Arthur, but Oscar graps his wrist.
"Arthur, we weren't done." He says
"We are, and you have a lot of thinking to do." Says Arthur and stands up.
He walks towards the door and looks at Logan and then back at Oscar.
"I really hope you're happy." He says and Logan took a step back.
"Art-"
"Just know, I will never do anything bad or say something to the press. If you two choose each other, I really hope you can be happy together. I really hope he makes you happier then I did, Oscar." Arthur feels the tears burning in his eyes when he says the last part to Oscar.
I really hoped I could make you happy.
"I'm sorry." Says Arthur and sprints away when he feels the tear falling.
He has to go.
♡●♡●♡
"Arthur-" shouts Oscar but the older boy is already gone.
"No." Whispers Oscar and another sob leaves his mouth.
He's gone.
He loses Arthur.
"Tur." Whispers Oscar between his sobs and then he feels the arms of Logan around him and he falls back against his body.
"Let it all out." Says Logan, and holds Oscar closes when he boy let everything go. Tears are rolling down his cheek and ugly sobs leave his mouth.
"It's all my fault." Sobs Oscar, and Logan let out a sigh.
"It is." Logan said honestly and Oscar grabs his hand and intertwines their fingers. He let the feeling of Logan's thumb that strokes over his hand calm him, this helps every time.
"Breath." Says Logan, and takes a deep breath and let it out, Oscar follows him.
"Good job." Whispers Logan.
"You know what the funny part is?" Asks Oscar after a few minutes of silence.
"What?"
"I'm proud of him that he chose his own health before me, and that he dares to say that, I'm proud of that." Says Oscar.
"Will he focus on that?"
"Yes, he doesn't want to end up like 2017. And I don't blame him for not trusting me because I wouldn't as well. I give him every right to leave. I'm a terrible human being." Say's Oscar.
"No you aren't." Whispers Logan and press a kiss against Oscar's hair.
"Can I be selfish?" Asks Logan
"Yeah?" Says Oscar, but more comes out as a question.
"I'm really happy that I made you happier than him." Says Logan, and Oscar looks at him.
"Otherwise you would have left me and been with Arthur. If you really wanted to fight for it, then you went after him but you didn't." Says Logan, and Oscar looks away to the ground.
"I'm making you happier than Arthur did, and this situation tells it, your body does. You wouldn't be laying in my arms then." Says Logan.
"Arthur said that. He said that I loved him with my head, but my heart is telling something else." Says Oscar.
"I'm happy that I have your heart." Says Logan, and grabs Oscar's chin and let him look up at Logan.
"I can't go in a relationship with you right now." Says Oscar and Logan nods.
"We shouldn't. Baby steps." Says Logan and Oscar smiles.
"Baby steps."
"I love you Oscar." Says Logan and then he presses his lips on Oscar's ones.
"I love you too Logan."
♡●♡●♡
"Arthur!" He hears but he is still running, he doesn't stop.
He runs through the F3/F2 paddock, on his way to Dams and go to the driver's room. Tears roll down his cheeks but he wipes them angry away every time.
He lost Oscar.
And it hits him harder than he thought.
He arrives at Dams and stops running, but still walks fast so that no one can stop him. He really hopes Ayumu isn't there.
"He felt his phone bussing in his back pocket again but he ignores it and then finally arrived at the drivers room.
He opens the door and walks inside, and to his luck, there was Ayumu.
"Hey, are you okay?" Asks Ayumu, and Arthur shook his head.
"Can you please go away for a second, I'm sorry it's really rude, but please." Asks Arthur, and his voice cracks and he wipes away the tears again.
"Do I need to grab someone? Do you not feel good?" His teammate asks.
"Please Ayu, please let me be alone for a minute, I need to be alone, please." Says Arthur, and Ayumu stood up.
"Sure, take all the time you need." Says Ayumu and with a last glance at Arthur, he leaves the room.
Arthur goes after him and locks the room.
Arthur feels his breathing picking up and he sees his race stuff ready on the desk for tomorrow. He grabs all the things he can and throws them all on the ground while sobs leaves his body.
He kept throwing. His shoes, gloves, shirts and his helmet.
His hands grabs his hair and he starts pulling while he slides down on the wall. Heavy sobs leave his mouth and he doesn't stop them.
He let it in for too long.
Air is too difficult to get into his lungs and he makes a wheezing sound while he tries to breath.
"Non." Is all he is repeating while he keeps pulling his hair, he needs to feel something.
He doesn't feel it.
♡●♡●♡
"I need to get in." Says Ayumu to security, who just looks at him.
"Why?" He asks.
"I need to go to Charles Leclerc, the Ferrari driver. I'm a F2 drive, here's my pass. I need to speak to him, it's urgent." Says Ayumu.
"Yeah, that's what they all say." The security guard says and Ayumu bites his lip.
He still doesn't understand why they can't get into the F1 paddock with their pass. It's unbelievable.
"It's about his brother. Can't you send a message that he will come here or something?"
"No pass, no entrance."
"But-"
"No buts." The man says and Ayumu sighs and steps away from the bodyguard. He tries to look over the gates, but he doesn't see any familiar faces.
"What to do now?" He whispers to himself.
He wants to go back to the F2 paddock till he heard his name called and when he looks up, he see Max Verstappen walking towards him.
"Hey, what are you doing here?" Asks Max and they give each other a hand.
He is a red bull junior driver, so he spoke with Max a few times.
"Arthur is not doing good. He came crying in the moterhome but I can't find Lorenzo, so I think he is with Charles. But I can't get in and the security doesn't believe me." He explains and Max face fell.
"Walk with me, you need to grab them." Says Max and they walk towards the gates again.
"He's coming with me." Says Max to security and shows his pass.
"He has no pass."
"No, but he's a red bull junior so he's coming with me. Could you open the gates for me." Max asks and after trying another time, he gets it done and they let Ayumu through.
"Thank you so much!" Says Ayumu.
"No problem, go to Ferrari!" Says Max and Ayumu sprint away.
When he finally arrives at the hospitality from Ferrari he walks inside and ignores all the people looking at him.
Maybe it wasn't a smart walk in there with a red bull shirt on, but he had no choice, his stuff is in his hotel or driver room.
"I'm sorry, I'm looking for Charles, it's about his brother." Says Ayumu, and the man looks at him and then nods.
"He's eating, but come with me."
He follows the man and after a few seconds he can already spot Charles and Lorenzo sitting together.
"I see them, thank you." Ayumu says and the man leaves.
"Hey, what are you doing here?" Asks Lorenzo when the man left.
"I know you're probably busy but Arthur is not doing well, and I really need your help because I have no idea what to do." He says and sees the panic forming in both pair of eyes.
"Where is he?" Asks Charles.
"You have press conference." Says Lorenzo and Charles shrugged.
"Yes, but Arthur is more important than that. I don't care." Says Charles and stands up from the table.
"Where is he?"
"In our driver's room. He came in and he was crying and just asked if I could go, ready to shout at me when I didn't and wanted to help. I left and went to you, I think he is still in there." Says Ayumu and they start walking fast out of Ferrari and through the paddock.
"Do you know where he went before he came back?"
"I think with Dennis and some other guys? I saw them but I don't know what he did in the between time."
When they finally arrived in the F2 paddock, they walked towards Dams and they immediately saw the tension in the garage.
"Lorenzo!" Yannick shouts and they look up.
"I'm glad you are here. I don't know what is going on with Arthur, but he's not doing okay." Says Yannick, and Lorenzo walks with him towards the motorhome.
"He started screaming and throwing things but he wouldn't let us inside." Explain Yannick.
"How can this happen?" Asks Lorenzo, and Yannick shook his head.
"No idea, but I'm really worried." Says Yannick, and when they arrive, Lorenzo went up to the door and knocks on it.
"Tur, it's me." Says Lorenzo, but it stays afwul quite on the other side.
"Turur?" Says Charles
"Go away." Says Arthur and his voice is really hoarse.
"Can you open the door for us?" Asks Lorenzo.
"I can do this alone, go away!"
"But you don't have to." Says Charles, and they hear him sigh on the other side.
"What happened? Can you tell us that?" Asks Lorenzo.
They didn't notice how Yannick and Ayumu left them alone.
"No, I don't need you or anyone. I can do this alone, it will be better than trusting people. Go away!" Arthur shouts the last part and the two older brother look at each other.
"You don't trust us?" Asks Charles and Arthur is silent.
"Tur?"
"I don't want to, trusting people always end up that I get hurt."
"But we're your brothers." Says Charles, and then they hear a click.
Lorenzo grabs the door handle and opens the door.
"Hey." Says Lorenzo softly when he stares at Arthur, who sits down on the ground, huddled together. Lorenzo sits down next to him and Arthur lays his head on Lorenzo's shoulder.
"I'm sorry." Says Arthur.
"Don't be, I see that your scared." Whispers Lorenzo and holds his younger brother close.
"What Happened?" Asks Charles, who sits down in front of them and lays his hand on Arthur's leg.
"It's over with Oscar." Says Arthur, and a tear runs over his cheek.
"Did you speak with him? Did he come to you." Ask Charles
"No, I went to his motorhome." Says Arthur, and stared at the ground.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Asks Lorenzo, and Arthur shook his head.
"You talk about the pain like it's all right." Says Charles.
"What am I supposed to do, Charles? I have to get on with my life, it's done." Says Arthur.
"You told him that?" Asks Charles, and Arthur nods.
"But you have us, we will be with you, and help you when you need us. You're not alone." Says Lorenzo, and Arthur sits upright and looks at them and nods.
"I know." Says Arthur and Charles crawls next to Arthur and puts an arm around him.
"You're not alone." Whispers Charles to Arthur, who looks into his eyes.
It felt like he was looking through Charles and not at him.
You don't have to be sorry for doing it on your own.