Chapter Text
Despite the earlier urgent note to return to Konoha, Sasuke was walking rather leisurely next to her as Sakura found herself browsing the shops of a small village on their way back to Konoha. Sasuke still had dark bags under his eyes, but he was no longer on edge. However, she did feel that he was walking a lot closer to her than he was before.
"Are you tired?" He suddenly asked, causing Sakura to look away, embarrassed at being caught staring.
Sakura might have wondered how he knew, but Sasuke had always felt more conscious whenever her eyes were on him. Those eyes full of admiration and love that make him always want to present his best self—how could that even be possible without her memories of him?
"I-I’m fine," she stuttered out.
"Did you remember anything else?"
"Just a little bit," she replied, forcing a smile.
It wasn’t exactly a lie; memories about her life are returning to her easier than before. However, she still couldn’t place Sasuke in her life, and she doesn’t have the will to let Sasuke know that, not when he had that hopeful look on his face.
"Are you hungry?" He changed the subject as if he could read her mind.
Sakura shook her head, trying to mask her worries, but Sasuke immediately picked up on the fact that something was bothering her anyway.
"Are you upset about earlier?"
Sakura shook her head again. He must have thought her low mood was due to what Sasuke had done to his past self, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.
As per request, Sasuke had used genjutsu to convince his younger self that everything that happened was merely a hazy dream, resulting from something that Orochimaru must have slipped into the younger Sasuke's drink or food. This might disorient the boy, but it shouldn’t have too severe a side effect compared to memory erasing. It was the best compromise that will protect them all, and Sakura is fully aware of this.
The person she’s mad at is not him, but actually herself. She just couldn’t let him know about the guilt and hopelessness she was feeling right now, not after everything he had done for her. And now, due to her condition, they were forced to abandon the journey and return to Konoha. Try as she might, Sakura couldn’t stop the self-loathing that vibrated deep in her bones for being a burden once again. Just how long will she keep taking advantage of his kindness like this?
"I’m scared," she let slip. Sakura didn't want to worry Sasuke, but she should have realized by now that she couldn't keep a secret from her husband no matter how much she tried.
Next to her, Sakura could feel him tensing up.
"The assassin is sealed; I won’t let-"
"It’s not that," she denied quickly, cutting him off. "I’m scared that I would never be able to regain all of my memories," she confessed, her head hanging low. Her hands were grabbing onto the cream coat so tightly that she feared she might tear a hole in it.
"You will," he assured her, but the slight shake in his voice convinced her that he, too, had doubts. "I won’t give up."
But that’s not what she was concerned about, because the puzzle pieces of her life were already being put into place. The problem is that she couldn’t see Sasuke in the final picture. Just what is her mind trying to do? Is it trying to erase him altogether?
"If you use your genjutsu on me, maybe you can look for the memories I’m still missing."
Her request caused her husband to freeze in his steps. When he turned to her, there was a deep frown on his face.
"Absolutely not."
"But-"
"No."
His tone was final, leaving no room to argue. Knocking someone unconscious with genjutsu is one thing; to dig into another’s subconsciousness and memories was far too invasive and required the target to be under the technique for such a long time that Sasuke was not about to take the risk that goes with it, not even to regain Sakura's memory of him.
"Genjutsu can have lasting deleterious effects on one’s brain and mind," he said, and Sakura could tell he was reciting a saying someone had told him before. She just couldn't understand how this man would have no second thought when using it on himself but immediately shut down the idea of using it on her.
"But what if I won't ever remember you?" She protested. "What will happen to us?"
He had kept her safe and taken care of her throughout the last two days. He had shown her again and again that she could trust him and even love him. So Sakura just doesn’t know what else this man had to do in order for her to remember him.
Next to her, Sakura could hear Sasuke let out a heavy sigh. She was asking what would happen to them as husband and wife, a topic he had thought about before and had come to a decision that he had not changed his mind about.
"‘Us’ is what you want it to be. If you want to move on, then..." Sasuke stopped briefly, swallowing thickly. "Then I will support you."
"But you said you wouldn’t give up on me. On us." Her heart was hammering so painfully in her chest that she thought she was going to double over.
"I'm never giving up on you, Sakura, but if you will be happier moving on, then there is no need for an ‘us’."
He looked at her then, and, despite the emotionless mask on his face that was holding him together, Sakura could read all his unsaid thoughts. Doubt, fear, dread.
He was prepared to let her go. If she wants to start over, to forget him, he will be right there to support her until she is established in her new life. Who will he be in her new life, then? Will he even be there at all?
Perhaps that is the best course of action for them both. But Sakura is already too far gone. She couldn’t stop loving this man, even without her memories of him.
"Then what if I say I want to stay with you?" She choked out, holding back tears and bracing for rejection. She hates herself for saying what she truly wants, fearing that it’s unfair for him to have to deal with a burden that is herself, but she really doesn’t want to let go.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes!" Sakura answered promptly, her head snapping up at him so confidently that it caused his eyes to widen in surprise. But just as fast as her confidence was there, it was gone in the next second. "I mean, I do want us to stay like this, but only if you would still have me."
There was a long sigh that escaped Sasuke—the breath that he had been holding onto.
"Your happiness is all I ever wanted, Sakura," he said. His simple words were all it took for relief to wash over her. She wiped away the tears stinging her eyes and flashed him a hopeful smile. She doesn’t have a lot to give him right now, but she does have time, and she intends to make it up for him in any way possible. But she needed to quickly catch up to where they had left off first.
"Could you tell me about us? About you?"
Her husband was silent for a few seconds. His eyes never left hers, as if he could see their whole life in those green orbs, as if he were committing her to his memories. Sakura wondered what he saw when he looked at her, but she couldn’t focus on that train of thought when the corner of his lip curled into a small smile.
"You like flowers," he finally said.
Aside from the fact that his answer wasn’t about ‘us’ or him, it wasn’t exactly the ground-breaking revelation Sakura was expecting that could help her better understand their relationship either. Sakura already knows this about herself. She even knows that her best friend is a florist she frequents, but Sakura decided to be patient.
"You like to receive flowers, but you always prepare them for me when I return from my journeys and long missions," Sasuke continued, but Sakura was only more and more confused about where this was going.
"Did you not like them?" She asked cautiously.
"I don’t know how to appreciate flowers like you can, but they always look beautiful when you’re holding them."
Sakura blushed despite being lost once again.
"You often receive a lot of flowers, from your friends and colleagues. I don’t know if you would want anymore," he resumed. "They also don't stay fresh for very long, just like most foods."
Sakura watched curiously as Sasuke began to slowly walk toward something that seemed to have caught his eye. She followed closely behind him to find herself standing in front of a table full of accessories. Bows, hair ties, and clips—these aren’t exactly the kind someone like Sasuke used, are they? Unless her lost memories are failing her again.
"You like accessories, too, although you can’t wear them very often when working."
Sasuke picked up a small, red clip then, and Sakura wondered how he had managed to pick out the one she had gravitated toward.
Still, none of this made sense to her. From what he had said, it sounded like he had to leave her quite often and usually for a very long time, so what does the fact that she likes flowers or accessories have anything to do with that? And why does he bother to think about whether or not she would still like more flowers?
As she watched him bring it up next to her bangs, imagining how it would look if she wore it, the answer popped into her mind. She had asked him to tell her about them and himself, and he was telling her his thoughts when he was far away on missions. Does he pass by these stores and stalls, thinking of her? Think of what he could buy as a gift instead of the flowers she often receives?
If this is the first thing that pops into his mind when asked, then does it mean he is still thinking about it while she's traveling with him?
Sakura knew she didn’t need anything to be happy. He could give her a rock, and she would still be over the moon with her new pet. What made her happy was never the thing that he could give her; it was always him. Especially since they’ve been traveling like this, Sakura couldn’t be happier. At the same time, however, if this is the situation they have to get used to, if she could never regain her memories of him, then this is her chance to make new memories with him.
"Should I try it on?" She asked shyly, despite already leaning forward, for him to put it on her.
Sakura waited patiently as Sasuke took another step closer to her. Her gaze followed his hand as they lifted to her face, mesmerized by his movements. Her husband was going to move her bangs to the side with his fingers when suddenly, an image of him smiling flashed in her mind.
Stunned, Sakura flinched back half a step, her eyes widening with shock, surprising herself and Sasuke. The latter had that worried and sad look on his face again, as he misunderstood that her reaction was out of fear. But this is different; this is familiarity. He had done this before, a gesture that made her heart flutter. What was it?
"What’s wrong, Sakura?" he asked, his brows furrowing deeply.
Despite wanting to take a step forward, he took a step back to give her some space, not wanting to risk scaring her off like before.
Wordlessly, Sakura stepped forward and grabbed his hand to bring it back up to her hair. The red hair clip was forgotten as it fell unceremoniously from his grasp back onto the display table. The storekeeper scolded them, but neither of them could hear the complaint anymore.
Sakura could now recall the warm, fuzzy feeling. These fingers were bent like this, and these were extending like so. He had said something to her, a smile on his face, before he tapped these two fingers on her forehead.
I’ll see you when I get back.
The moment his fingers touched her forehead, all her memories of him flooded back into her mind, crashing into her like a tidal wave, overwhelming, suffocating, and drowning her. The clarity got her reeling back, her eyes wide and wild, as if she were finally seeing the world clearly for the first time. Her own myriad of emotions choked her, causing Sakura to take short, shallow breaths.
Sensing something wrong, Sasuke guided Sakura into an empty alleyway next to the shop. He thought she would want him to keep his distance like she did before, but she couldn’t stop clinging to him.
"Sakura?" he asked, confused.
All he could do was wrap an arm around her as her frame started to shake. He hoped that his black cloak, which he was wrapping around her small frame, would provide privacy for her vulnerable moment of breakdown.
Sakura looked up at him at the sound of her voice. Her eyes were glistening with tears; droplets clung to her eyelashes like morning dew; and her nose was tomato red.
"Anata…"
Sasuke’s breath hitched at the sound of the familiar way his wife had come to regard him. He could hear her apologizing to him, but he couldn’t make out specific words when her crying was making all her words slur together and unintelligible. That simple word she called him was echoing within him while her name repeated like a mantra in his mind.
She remembered him.
Sasuke’s body slumped against hers as relief washed through him.
She knows who he is, she knows what they are, and she knows what they have been through together. She was finally back in his arms, with the memories of him in mind.
He had wanted to embrace her for days, to console her this entire time she believed she was alone and against the whole world, but had held back in fear of scaring her away. Unable to do anything else as he watched her suffer by herself was one of the hardest things he had to do.
His forehead rested on her shoulder as he buried his face in her hair. It’s only been two days, but he's missed her so much—her soft touch, her floral scent, her whole being. His other half.
"I’m so sorry, anata…" She wailed, yet her fingers had found their way into his hair to make comforting cycles on his scalp to soothe him. The habitual gesture caused goosebumps on the skin of his neck.
I’m sorry for doubting you, for not being there for you, for making you apologize again, and for making you relive one of your worst moments.
"How could you ever forgive me…?"
It hurts him to see her so broken like this. All the things that had happened in the past, they had both dealt with and moved forward together. He had never resented her for the things she did, just as she had never resented him for his past decisions.
"I forgive you."
The words fell easily out of his mouth, but he could feel the slight shake of her head next to his, denying it.
"You can’t just forgive me so easily like that, anata; I hurt you!" She protested. "I wasn’t even there when you had a nightmare!"
Sasuke wanted to laugh. How could she be disappointed in him in such a situation? What more punishment does she want after everything that happened the last two days? She was the one who was knocked unconscious, struggled with amnesia, and got poisoned, but she still put his well-being and his feelings over her own.
She could be too stubborn sometimes. He wished she would stop blaming herself for things she couldn’t control, like she had taught him to do.
It’s not your fault; you were also hurting this whole time, especially because of me.
"Do you still have those nightmares often?" He asked instead. "The one where I...where I hurt you."
Her amnesia prevented her from remembering who he was, yet that specific memories of him managed to slip through the crack. Knowing herself, her brain had used this traumatic event that she is still working through to keep her away from him and her memories of him. Fortunately enough, it was not very effective in the end.
"Do you?" She asked back, despite already knowing the answer. She had witnessed it last night in that cave.
Her husband had had restless nights before when the past haunted him in his sleep. He would wake up with a jolt, in cold sweat, panting, and shaking.
There were dreams that made him distance himself from her the moment he woke up, getting up to ground himself in reality by the breezy air of the window and in the dim moonlight. During that time, Sakura knew he needed space to sort out his thoughts and deal with his demons by himself.
There are other times, however, when his hand would instantly be on her, checking for a pulse and heartbeat to see if she was alive. Those are the times when she would pull him to her and hold him until he stopped hyperventilating, letting him know that she would never leave him. Over time, in her embrace is where he stayed instead of by the window when the demons came to visit. His nightmares have been few and far between since.
"You’re not being fair," he grumbled, a notion Sakura disagreed with.
"You have learned to deal with it yourself; you have to let me learn how to do that, too," she said. It’s not that she doesn’t want him to be there when she’s struggling through a nightmare, but she knows she will eventually need to be able to face her fear by herself. She can’t keep relying on him so much like this.
Having to keep waiting for him, Sakura used to be scared of letting him go again, on a journey or a mission, afraid that their goodbye would be their last. But that thought had vanished after everything that transpired over the past two days. Despite all odds, her husband had found ways to be there when she needed him, no matter his condition or form. He had proven to her something that she should have known: that he wouldn't let her lose him ever again. Finally, Sakura believed she was strong enough to defeat her demons by herself. Finally, she thinks the fear in her, her insecurity, has loosened its grip on her subconsciousness, because now she knows for sure her husband will always return to her.
"I’m stronger than you think."
"Is there really nothing I can do for you?"
Sakura let out a soft sigh. She squeezed him with her arms, and he returned the squeeze automatically.
"You’re already doing it."
From above her, Sakura could hear Sasuke let out a long breath. Her husband is a thoughtful man. He was prepared to go to the end of the earth for her, but Sakura always seemed to want the smaller gesture that he could easily offer.
"Is this really enough?" He asked. The skepticism in his voice made Sakura want to laugh. Her husband is so perceptive, so analytical, yet he can be so oblivious sometimes.
"You’re enough, anata."
Sakura could hear a longer, more forceful sigh leave her husband as he nudged his face into the crook of her neck. He can't face her anymore now, not when his face is blushing this hard.
Because all I want is you.
Just how many times does she have to remind him of this before he gets it through his dense head?
Sakura understands her husband's worry, and she knew he wasn’t doing so because he doesn’t believe in her strength. They, who appeared to be so different in their looks and demeanors, surprisingly have a lot in common. Their strong need to make their partner happy is one, and their fear of losing each other is another. The latter was evident in the recurrent nightmare that they both share, with Sasuke being the reason for his wife's death and Sakura losing her husband once more to his haunting past.
That fear, they were able to have control over most of the time. However, it resurfaced strongly when they encountered the assassin twins, who are fearsome opponents that could threaten their bond. It was their love that strengthened their fear, and it was the love that blinded them all. It doesn't matter what their usually clear minds urge them to do. Everything they learned as well-trained and experienced shinobi goes out the window when they see their loved ones get hurt.
When Sakura's body moved without thinking and jumped in front of the attack meant for Sasuke, her brain had been preparing itself to deal with the worst-case scenario where she failed to prevent her husband from getting severely hurt. The blow that ended up inflicting the head wound on her, however, accidentally triggered amnesia. It was a way for her brain to protect her ego by removing a part of her memory that makes her who she is. After all, if Sakura can’t remember her husband’s existence in the first place, then she can’t deal with the overwhelming fear of losing one of the most important people in her life.
But that also makes Sasuke the key to her cure. The only thing that can complete her and make her whole again is his ultimate expression of love, the promise that he will always return to her. It doesn’t matter where he is or what state or form he is in; he will always make it back to her.
"I really, really love you a lot, anata; you know that, right?" She asked, nuzzling her face against his chest like she often does when she doesn’t know what to do with all the love bursting out of every pore of her body.
Sasuke nodded and brought her even closer. Their chests were rising together so rhythmically that he felt like they were breathing and sharing the same breath. Since the day they made their feelings clear, her love confession has become her catchphrase around him.
"As much as I do you."
At the same time, Sasuke had learned to rely on this sentence to convey his feelings. His wife’s insecure side would sometimes succeed in tricking her into underestimating his true feelings for her, even when he had always told her otherwise. But if there is one thing she is certain of, it is her feelings for him, so Sasuke used it as the basis of his answer. That way, there was no way her insecure mind could twist the fact that he loves her just as much as she loves him. Her feelings, to him, were as concrete as the ground and as vast as the sky; as habitual as the sun orbiting the earth; and as necessary as the very water that keeps them alive.
Even though he knew that, even though Sasuke had always been aware of Sakura’s feelings and her effect on him, to be able to feel the effect of his confession on her—the way she let out a contented sigh and relaxed completely against him—is such a transcending feeling. At that moment, he was the most invincible man in the world, and her love had made him so.
"What do you want to do now?" Sasuke asked when his wife had calmed down; her cry had reduced to a sniffle.
"Can we keep traveling?" She suggested.
She knew her husband could never settle in the village the way he is now. That’s why she hated so much the fact that they might have to return due to her condition.
"Do you not miss your home in Konoha?" Sasuke asked.
"I think about Konoha sometimes," she answered after a brief moment of thought, her absentminded fingers playing with the hem of his cloak. "I don’t really miss home when I’m with you, though.
"Then we can keep traveling only if that’s what you want."
Sakura shook her head. "Is that what you also want? I just want you to be happy."
"I am happy," he replied. How could he not be when, despite everything, she is still by his side?
"Are you sure?" She asked again, and it was taking Sasuke all of his willpower to not smother his wife with his embrace in public when she asked him with that pout on her face.
She is being stubborn again. How can he reassure her with his limited words?
Sasuke nodded once, putting his chin to rest on top of Sakura’s crown as he pulled her closer, pressing her against him tightly. Their hearts were sharing the same quick, rhythmical beat.
Her husband is not good with words, but he will try to confess to her with his actions more often in the future. He will remind her of their love as many times as it takes. He will make sure she understands that she is his happiness and that no matter the distance between them, he will always be by her side.
"I am always with you."
I promise.