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Anthony stands in front of his ancestral home, surrounded by his family as they celebrate the most joyous of news. The Sharmas have just departed and his mother cannot stop smiling. He does his best to smile and reminds himself this is the correct decision. The path he almost walked on would bring nothing but sorrow in the future. And, Miss Edwina is sensible and incredible. He was sure every single bachelor would be jealous of him when he entered with the Diamond on his arm. And even if they would never happily be in love, they would be most comfortable. So what more could he possibly have asked for?
He does not let his mind stray to the other Miss Sharma, to the scent of lilies and the exhilaration of each conversation, of the way his blood sings in his veins whenever he is near her - no, that was nothing but mere feeling. And it would pass in time with no one any the wiser of this misstep from his duty.
And that's when Daphne steps out from whatever corner she was hiding in, ready to reproach him with her judgemental eyes. Really, the Duchess thinks too highly of herself! He is the Viscount, the head of this family and he doesn’t need anyone to tell him what to do. Least of all the sister who once allowed Benedict to pour paint over her pigtails because he convinced her that would make the butterflies sit on her hair.
So Anthony rushes inside his office and shuts the door with a bang. He is engaged to Miss Sharma - no! - to Miss Edwina Sharma. He has secured the hand of the Diamond of the season. He has performed his duty. This is a happy occasion. No matter what he tries though, he can not muster anything other than a numb shock.
Sitting down on his chair, he stares at the portrait of his father - a man he could never measure up to no matter how hard he tries. Edmunds's eyes seem to hold the same reproach he had run away from - he slams his eyes shut to block it all away!
She says everything I need to hear, and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
Being back in London almost seems like a relief. It was as if his sisters (other than Eloise of course) and mother could talk of nothing other than the upcoming wedding. He had tried to bear it good-naturedly for as long as he could and then tried to shut himself away. When his brothers started to invade his space to talk about it as well, that is when he decided it was high time they returned to the city with haste. At least here, his family had other people to talk to and he was finally left alone for the most part .
A footman knocks on the door to announce the Sharmas and he promptly gets up from his seat to greet them. He hasn’t seen Kate since that day and he can not wait to lock eyes with her in a heated argument over something or the other. And of course, he is also looking forward to seeing his bride-to-be after the proposal.
“Ah Lady Mary, Miss Sharma, Miss Edwina - right on time! Good afternoon, I trust that all is well?” he asks, trying not to make it obvious he is staring only at the eldest Sharma daughter. But she just looks down and gives a brief nod. What?
“Yes, my Lord. All is well. How was your trip back to London?” Miss Edwina pipes up with a shy smile on her face.
Anthony turns away from Miss Sharma immediately to answer Edwina, “Yes, it was perfectly fine. My mother will be joining us shortly. Would you care for some tea in the meantime?” He smiles his most parliamentary smile. Miss Edwina beams back at him. Shouldn’t his bride beaming at him make him feel some emotion? She has a pretty enough smile and he is sure that it would have most men trip over themselves. But he is reminded of another smile, a smile that was as if the sun was shining specifically for her. The one he had seen during pall mall. Now that smile, Anthony thinks to himself, that smile would have him down on his knees - Not that it matters. Smiles are smiles and really he couldn't care less either way.
His mother chooses that moment to enter, giving him a reprieve from entertaining his guests and allowing him to continue staring at Miss Shar - out the window contemplating important things happening at the parliament.
They are discussing when and how to announce the news before Lady Whistledown publishes it and Kate just sits there, listlessly. Not a peep out of her, no opinion or arguments about what is the correct way to go ahead. Just sitting there in the background just like he is, as Miss Edwina, his mother and Lady Mary gush about a stroll in the park. She just looks on silently and his mouth itches.
“Tell me you feel nothing”
“I feel -”
Anthony is pulled away from his musings at the sound of his mother's laughter; apparently, Miss Edwina has said something funny. It appears Miss Edwina is becoming close to his mother already. Miss Sharma continues to sip the tea he knows she loathes. His mouth itches again, why would she not look up?
“Perhaps we should let Lady Whistledown make the announcement and save ourselves the hassle," he declares. There, Anthony smirks, that ought to rile her up. And while his mother and Lady Mary gasp in outrage, Miss Edwina stutters out an “If you think it wise, my lord.” Still, Kate does not look up.
Clenching his jaw, he turns to his mother again. “Miss Edwina agrees with me, what is the issue with my idea?” He asks stubbornly, sticking to the plans he knows are utterly stupid. His mother gives him a look that says that’s your argument? and turns to Miss Edwina. “Surely you wish to announce your engagement in more than a scandal sheet?”
But ever the perfect debutante, Miss Edwina demurs with an “I’ll gladly go along with what makes Lord Bridgerton happy.”
No one asks Kate for her opinion and she continues to smile genially at no one in particular. She does not look his way even once. Soon his mother switches the conversation to flower arrangements, tactfully ending the discussion without reaching a final decision.
And my heart's not breaking
'Cause I'm not feeling anything at all
Anthony arrives at the park with his family, to promenade with Miss Edwina as had been decided. He sighs once again at being asked to be here, but he will perform his duty well.
“Do not be jealous, brother, I’m sure it is nothing!” Gregory pipes up with utter sincerity in his tone from beside him.
Anthony, turning to his little brother, quirks an eyebrow. Gregory is growing up so fast and he feels guilt tighten his chest for a moment. He really needs to spend more time with him. Always failing in his duties.
Unaware of his inner turmoil, Gregory nods to the left in what Anthony is sure he thought was the most discrete of actions. Anthony turns in that direction and looks. But he only sees Miss Edwina talking to Lord Lumely with much enthusiasm.
”Why would I be jealous?” but he knows why. His bride-to-be is standing almost inappropriately close to Lumely, who had once been his competition for the Diamonds hand. By all means, Anthony should be feeling his hackles rise and marching over to claim his right.
But all he feels is… nothing. He watches his fiancee and cannot muster any care for whom she is conversing with. Which, he convinces himself, is a good thing. He needs not act like an uncivilised, possessive beast. The Diamond has said yes to his proposal after all.
So turning towards where the rest of the family has congregated, he quickly steps in their direction. As he reaches his mother he puts on his polite smile. “Mother, shall we?”, he asks with as much enthusiasm as Eloise shows prospective suitors.
“Yes, dearest, Lady Mary would be making her way with her daughters and Lady Danbury shortly.”
“I believe they have arrived,” Benedict pipes up from behind them, pointing to the approaching party.
He can feel the stares boring into his back from both his siblings and the approaching ladies as he turns around. Smiles firmly in place, his eyes meet those of Lady Danbury first. She gives him the same look she used to give when she caught him and Simon climbing trees. The “I know what you are hiding” look. Anthony quickly looks away.
Lady Danbury stalks forward with her handy cane at the ready, and Lady Mary and Miss Edwina make their way over with smiles on their faces. And, he looks behind them waiting for the elder Miss Sharma, but no one appears.
“Lady Danbury, Lady Mary, Miss Edwina, thank you for joining us!” His mother exclaims, “Come, Miss Edwina. We must start our promenade.”
With that, she links her hand to Anthonys arm and leads them forward. Anthony walks with the ladies on either of his arms, keeping abreast with the conversation and interjecting whenever they paused to look at him. He is lost somewhere in the halls of Aubrey Hall, during that night in the library when suddenly, the conversation becomes interesting.
“And where is Miss Sharma?”, his mother asks with a polite look on her face. Miss Edwina, however, smiles wide and points to the lake.
“She is enjoying this fine morning on the water.”
Anthony turns in the direction of the lake so fast he is sure even his mother hears the snap in his neck. And sure enough, there she is. Radiant with the sun shining on her and making her glow like a goddess as she laughs aloud.
“My, they sure make a handsome pair.” His jaw tightens with the urge to scoff at that and he looks at his mother in question, sure she is jesting.
But before he can utter a word, Miss Edwina starts to titter with glee and says “Don’t they? Oh, I pray Didi finds Mr Dorset most agreeable. He has travelled to India before, and they seem to share many common interests.”
His eyes move from her to the man sitting in front of her, looking at her as if she was the most fascinating sight he has seen. Anthony feels his heart quicken, and his blood thunders in his veins as if a beast was roaring in his ears. He can not look away, as Dorset - the cad! - winks at Miss Sharma!
Miss Edwina and his mother giggle like little girls at the sight and he feels incensed. “This is most improper! Mother - how do you not object to this display?! Unchaperoned and god knows what untoward things he is telling her. And winking at a lady he is not courting, has he no shame? You should bring this to Lady Mary's attention immediately!” he fumes as his mothers' eyes clear of mirth and she turns to glare at him.
“Unchaperoned? Anthony, they are in broad daylight on a boat in a public park. I do not know what liberties you think Mr Dorset could possibly take here.”
“I assure you, my Lord, my sister would have put a stop to this if anything unseemly was happening. Besides, I think he might just convince her to stay! Would that not be most wonderful? Didi could stay here, close to us and get married!” Miss Edwina rushes out, staring at him with wide hopeful eyes and all he can do is give a tight nod. His eyes stray back to her.
The beast in his chest claws to be let out, to punch Dorset in his worthless face for daring to, daring to - and then what Miss Edwina said fully registers. Get married . Miss Sharma, Kate married to Dorset.
The thought echoes in his mind and it is as if the beast has taken over. He can not stand still anymore! He strides to the bank of the lake as the boat comes to a stop.
Just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated
Got away by some mistake and now
Anthony lies awake in his bed, replaying the scene at the lake. His humiliation burnt almost as bright as his jealousy. Miss Sharma had taken his hand, but she had not uttered a word to him.
And Dorset! The gall of the man to laugh! As if being humiliated in front of the entire ton was somehow humorous. Even Miss Edwina had laughed and that damn corgi! His bark had been suspiciously happy sounding. He is sure his boots were fully ruined now after the fall! And it would be just his luck if he came down with a cold.
But even then, Miss Sharma had not laughed. He doesn’t think she even looked at him, other than the moment he held her hand. And the way she looked at him then, had been like a kick in the gut for a moment. Her eyes had held such pain and emptiness. It was like looking in a mirror for a second.
A horse neighs outside and Anthony is transported to that day at the races.
You chose the same horse as everyone else, some feeling
He had wanted to strangle her but at the same time, the strange feeling unfurled in his stomach. He would have laughed if it was anyone else. The fire in her eyes that would incinerate him on the spot, the smart jabs she aimed at him with her smug smirk, made him feel exhilarated the same way racing her that day in the park had felt.
He felt carefree as if at that moment the only people that existed were her and him. And their battle of wits had the highest stakes. His duty and her love for her sister.
God, the way she had whistled! Anthony had felt a tightening in his stomach looking at her then and felt his member twitch as he remembers it now.
Every match, every argument she had matched him toe to toe. Even on that fateful day in Aubrey Hall when he was losing his mind at the idea that she may just leave forever, her eyes showed the same anguish he felt in his whole being.
And if Daphne had not interrupted, if she had not barged in -
Anthony clears his head and turns in bed. It does not look as if he would be getting any sleep tonight.
Breaking down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kind of rush
Standing in the parlour of Lady Danbury as Kate sits facing away from him, Anthony scrambles at what to say. The jeweller is tutting at some pastry and looks to be in his own world.
“Fine weather today, is it not?” This is the first time Anthony is addressing Miss Sharma directly since the day he proposed and this is all he can think to say? Mentally, Anthony punches himself in the face.
“You want to discuss the weather with me?” Kate's voice rings out, that familiar acerbic tone back. Anthony looks at her and shrugs, but before he can say anything the jeweller cuts in.
“Miss Sharma, do you and Miss Edwina share gloves?” Anthony looks on, bewildered, as the jeweller suggests Kate try the ring. Their family ring, the ring his father gave to his mother. He sees it in his mind, that ring on Kate's finger.
His heartbeat speeds up. But he sees the spark dim from her eye again as she declines and steps away.
In a moment he is in front of her, holding her hand as he prepares to place the ring. They stare at each other and Anthony feels his world crumbling around him, with the warm hand in his the only focal point.
He slides the ring in place and they both look down.
The sense of peace and rightness that washes over Anthony shocks him. Looking at her hand, it is as if this is where the ring is meant to be. He caresses her hand, wanting this moment to last forever.
“Why, it is love!” Daphnes' words echo in his ears just as the door opens and Lady Mary and Miss Edwina enter. Anthony and Kate spring apart as if naughty children caught with their hands in the cookie jar. He gapes at the occupants of the room dumbly as Kate tries to explain away everything while she forcefully removes the ring.
When she hands the ring to Edwina something in Anthony’s heart shatters.
The gravity of it all has been clear to him from the start, but he is starting to feel as if it might not be that easy to be comfortable and content with a dutiful wife and nothing more. Not when he would harbour feelings for his sister-in-law.
Admitting the statement to himself feels like a crime. Anthony swiftly exits once done with the jeweller's business, feeling as if the rug has well and truly been tugged from under his feet.
When he looks up at the window, there she stands. But the moment their eyes meet, she hides away. And he misses the glare she would have sent him before. Before he ruined it all.
So in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Lord Bridgerton has been sitting silently for the past hour as the guests, Lord and Lady Sheffield have acted abominably. They crowded over Miss Edwina and ignored Kate completely while the snide remarks about her father or Lady Mary kept coming. And now, he is having a hard time keeping his temper in check. But what infuriates him the most is Kate. She just sits there, not saying a word. Just taking it all. And he cannot believe it. Where is the dragon? The wall of fire that does not let any comment pass - where is the girl who can insult you with just an arc of her brow?
She has been missing for quite some time and Anthony is horrified at just how much she has been subdued. And then the bombshell drops. The truth about Miss Edwina's dowry. And he watches as Kate shrinks into herself as even Lady Mary and Miss Edwina turn to her with accusing eyes.
Lady Sheffield insults Kate again and he has had quite enough!
The news of the dowry is shocking to him but he is not appalled like his mother. It is clear why Miss Sharma made the deal, even if it is with such despicable people as the Sheffields.
After throwing the Sheffields out, Anthony looks around at the current occupants of the room.
“Mother, we must depart as well. Lady Danbury, Lady Mary - the engagement cannot continue when it was made under false pretences,” Anthony commands. Heis met with instant protests from Kate and Lady Danbury.
He can see the panic in Kate’s eyes but Anthony feels relief. The noose hanging around his neck is lifted. He had not realised how much he did not want to go through with the engagement until he had ended it.
It is Lady Mary who quietens the room. “Lord Bridgerton, I apologise for the falsehoods revealed today. But you are correct, the engagement must end. It seems, for a long time I have allowed Kate to carry the burden of making hard decisions. And it is time I rectify this mistake. Kate, Edwina - go to your rooms. We will discuss this all at length.”
Miss Edwina rushes to her room in tears while Kate stands in place, tears in her eyes as she pleads with her mama to not make this decision.
Anthony sighs and bids them goodnight as he ushers his mother towards their carriage.
“Lord Bridgerton!”
He turns at the sound of her voice, not surprised at all that she did not do as asked and goes back upstairs.
“A word, please.”
The fire is back in her eyes and she beseeches him with a look. His mother clears her throat, clearly upset with the whole evening but how can he deny Miss Sharma when she looks at him this way?
“Mother, please wait in the carriage. I will be but a moment.”
Kate directs them to a room at the side of the hallway and he follows her in, closing the door behind him.
“My lord, you must understand - Edwina is innocent. She did not know anything about these plans. You must reconsider - you must understand! I-It was not some ill-willed plan to trap you. My sister, she is all that is good in the world. She does not deserve this!”
Anthony looks at her and shakes his head.
“Please Lord Bridgerton! I-”
He crosses the room so he is standing mere inches from her and looks into her eyes.
“Kate, the engagement has to end.”
“But-”
“Listen! Just listen to me.”
She nods silently and lets him continue.
“I am aware that Miss Edwina is an innocent party to all this, that she is not at fault here.”
“Then what is the matter?” Kate demands, angry now.
“It is you! You have made this match impossible!”
“But I am leaving for India!”
The reminder stills him but he needs her to understand!
“And it is not far enough!” He shouts, feeling his whole body tense as she stares back at him with fire in her eyes.
“Do you think that there is a corner of this earth that you could travel to far away enough, to free me from this torment? I am a gentleman. My father raised me to act with honour, but that honour is hanging by a thread that grows more precarious with every moment I spend in your presence. You are the bane of my existence. And the object of all my desires. Night and day I dream of you.”
Kate stands there shaking her head, even as her breathing quickens.
“It is because I’ve never met anyone like you, it is maddening how much you consume my very being.” Anthony breathes out taking another step closer to her. She looks up at him and he can see the battle in her eyes.
“Lord Bridgerton, these feelings are mere passion, they will pass. I will move to India and soon it will be as if we never crossed paths.” Even as she says this, she leans towards him. Her eyes were like a force, pulling him in her orbit.
“Do you really believe so? The engagement as of a few moments ago is void. Your mother and I agreed and I do not wish to repair it. You know it is right. You wanted Edwina away from me and you have it now.”
Kate pulls back instantly, her eyes shooting daggers at him again. “She would be ruined! A broken engagement due to a lack of a dowry. Her being a Diamond would not even pull in second or third sons when this news gets out! Yes, I want her to have the chance at love but you ruined it all with your damn proposal!” She shouts now, finally voicing the biggest mistake he has ever made.
He bows his head in shame. ”Kate, you must know how sorry I am for what I did. I do not deserve your forgiveness because I behaved most foolishly. I played with both my family's and your emotions and reputation while thinking I knew it all. But I have slowly become painfully aware of how much of an utter cad I was!”
“I was scared - of my feelings for you. Daphne, she made me see what my feelings for you were and I was terrified. But these past few weeks, seeing you remove yourself completely from me has made me understand that separation from you is what I could not bear. I am ready to humble myself before you to be considered deserving of your affection. Just please give me a chance.”
Kate looks at him with unshed tears in her eyes as she shakes her head. “It would not be easy - the ton, my sister - they would not forgive us.”
“I’m willing to wait, for when you are ready, Kate,” he looks into her eyes as she moves towards him.
“Anthony, I cannot deny what I feel for you, but I cannot forgive you. Not so soon, not after what you have done.”
Hearing her say his name made his breath hitch. “I understand. Just know this - I love you. I've loved you from the moment we raced each other in that park. I've loved you at every dance, on every walk, every time we've been together, and every time we've been apart. You do not have to accept it, you do not have to embrace it - or even allow it. Knowing you, you probably will not. But you must know it in your heart. You must feel it because I do. I love you.”
Anthony breathes heavily after finishing his impassioned speech. He did not think he would ever have had the courage to actually confess his heart so directly. But with the turn this evening had taken, well he had to seize the opportunity. It feels wonderful! Looking at her shining eyes and seeing her stunned expression he feels a laugh bubble in his chest. What he would not have given early in the season to see this expression on her face. He dares not hope for much of a reply as it feels like the whole world has fallen silent save for his heavy breathing.
Her expression starts to soften a little, and his heart skips a beat. His feet ache to move ever closer and engulf her in his arms but he stays put.
And then she opens her mouth and says, “There is nothing more to say, but that I love you too.”
Anthony feels his heart flutter away at her words. He had hoped the feelings he felt were mutual, but for her to say them, after everything that had happened - it was indescribable.
He smiles so hard his cheeks ache and he can see her returning it with one of her own. Her eyes shine with tears but he knows she is feeling the same euphoria he can feel lighting his whole being. He doesn’t remember ever feeling so light, not even when his whole family would spend hours playing pall mall when his father had been alive. And that thought reminds him - his family, his mother
“The path ahead won’t be easy,” he warns, knowing already what they would face. And this was before they even have to face the ton. Their mamas and Lady Danbury would be enough.
“Well, I do not think easy suits either of us,” Kate smiles.
Her smile is still shaky but there seems to be hope in her eyes. And he swears to himself, to do all he can to ensure that it never goes away.
A knock sounds on the door and they both startle apart.
He turns to her and takes her hand. Kissing the spot that had worn his father's ring some time ago and would one day wear one again, he whispers “I shall see you soon, Miss Sharma.”
…and stays there with his lips on her skin, staring into her eyes and wishing they could stay this way forever. It takes another knock for them to break away and find their way out.
When he looks up at the window, she is watching him again. But now, she has the loveliest smile on her face. He maps it into his memory. And that was the courage he needed to face his undoubtedly cross mother.
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you