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2023-03-17
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2023-03-24
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2/2
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A feeling that has your name on it (I'm too afraid to call it love)

Chapter 2: Chapter 2

Summary:

“Yeah maybe it did” JJ agrees, squeezing Emily’s hand, “I think that deep down I’ve always know that he could never be you”

“Come on, with the accent?” Emily jokes, and she swears that JJ’s laugh has never felt so satisfying after so many years

Chapter Text

 

“Are you okay Emily?” It’s Rossi who has trailed after her, of course he is. Emily had known it the moment she excused herself from all of them to do this.

“Yeah” She replies, she is in fact okay, relieved that all the case was finished, that the BAU was finally going to be okay again, that they got to do their job again like a team. She closes the kitchen sink tap, the glass of water she had put beneath was overflowing already.

“That gave me quite a scare” That, he doesn't mention it, she knows he is referring at JJ’s breakdown earlier

Emily nods, affirming that she was certainly worried about her too, “Do you know what’s up?” 

Rossi shakes his head, “I came here to know if you did”

“I don’t” Emily admits rubbing her head, “We haven’t had time to talk about this case, all of us needed to decompress and I guess that she let it out in a different form” 

“I’m just glad to know that we are all okay” He acknowledges now focusing on the glass on her hand, “Is that for JJ?” 

Emily nods, “I figured that she was going to need it”

Dave smiles at her gesture, “I’m going to head out now, see you tomorrow” 

“Bye Dave” 

Emily grabs the cold glass exiting the kitchen, she locates Luke and Reid talking quietly around a sleeping Penelope, she goes in closer to observe her, “Is she finally down?” 

“Like a rock” Luke replies giggling as he puts a finger in Penelope’s check, like he had concluded years ago when he found her sleeping in her technical analyst office, it would take more than a soft finger pressed into her check to wake her up

“Max and I are catching a ride with Hotch, they are waiting us at the front” Spencer says as he hugs her, the glass still in her hand

“Goodbye Spencer” She replies wrapped in his embrace before they pull apart

She stays next to Luke as they watch him go. “Do you think he knows something about Gold Star?” 

“Yeah, he definitely does. Is Morgan around?” Emily inquires, she wanted to catch him to talk about what happened to JJ. She knew that Reid wasn’t going to say anything at all, he had always kept conversations close to him. 

“He left a few minutes ago, Hank was getting sleepy” Emily nods understanding, she has an answered call in her cell that she needs to discuss with JJ. She thinks it might be the key to her falling apart the moment she had earlier. “I’m going to check on Tara and JJ” 

“Go, I’ll stay and watch Penelope” 

Emily doesn’t know how many minutes she had spent sitting in front of the bathroom's closed door, she just knows that by each passing minute, her heart was beating faster and faster. The uncertainty of the situation wasn’t helping at all. The green colored walls of Penelope’s apartment weren’t appreciated enough with only a slight line of yellow light coming from beneath the door. 

She noticed the doorknob turning around, as if someone was about to open it but decided to stop. Emily rested her head on the hard surface of the wall and closed her eyes. Was all of this her fault? Did she do something that pulled JJ over the edge? 

She knew they weren’t like they once interacted with each other. Both of them change and yes, maybe she should have hugged JJ when they reached Georgia and the bomb went off, but she couldn’t have JJ in her arms again, not with the comfort she needed. It would have been a mistake and both of them knew that. 

There is a space where their friendship once was, Emily does know what caused it and she doesn’t know how to get it back. She knows that both of them have the same blame, neither of them fought for it, letting calls go unanswered and messages that were not replied to until weeks passed. It was as simple as it could be; They just lost contact and there was nothing they could do to fix it when they were away. Plans for visiting JJ she made with penelope were shut down the moment covid cases started to skyrocket and everything shut down.

Light came out, illuminating her as the door opened and she saw Tara come out first, fist at both sides of her body, anger palpable easily of the woman. Emily stayed paralyzed in hopes she would catch something that would help her understand it. 

"You've got to talk it out JJ. And if that's not me let it be somebody else" Tara acknowledges as she opens the bathroom door, noticing Emily on the other side of the door, like she suspected she would be.

"It was just an episode" JJ rests her hands at her side she sighs, "Nothing more" 

"We both know that's not the truth, is it?" Tara says, she turns around eyes looking with Emily's as she gestures back to her colleague, "Hope you can get some sense into her" 

Emily, JJ notices now is sitting down in the wall that's in front of Penelope’s bathroom has a glass on her hand as she tries to stand up, Tara hands her a hand as she pulls her to her feet

Tara squeezes Emily’s shoulder as she gets out. Two pairs of eyes trailing after her, letting the silence to cover up conversations, it’s the moment that Tara disappears from their view that JJ notices that Emily was moving closer to her. 

JJ takes it and she doesn’t know how Emily knew that she was in serious need of water. She has never known how Emily could sense it and act before even JJ would know what was going on, drowning the water in one gulp she cleans some water drops with the sleeve of her shirt. “Thank you” 

Before Emily could ask, because JJ knew –she has known Emily for more than two decades– she walks out, following Tara’s footsteps, stepping again into the warm air of the night, into the little garden in Penelope's house. She falls into the same chair that she did when all of this overthinking process started. 

When did both of them change into someone they don’t recognize in each other anymore? What happened with the people they were when Paris happened and JJ was forced to lie to her team and fly away with Emily to Paris? 

Pictures around her desk at her old home, the one she shared with what was once her family. Now in her apartment she can’t help but put anything on it. Wondering for most nights she spent turning around in her bed if she made the right decision at all.

Postcards she has scattered along her desk at work from Paris, JJ has kept them there after all those changes she has been going through, filled with a writing that she was so familiarized with. Sentences that she memorized in another language, words in a vocabulary that brought her confort when she passed through rough times, even after Emily returned and then left again JJ has found herself across the years going back to them, reading in hopes that her pain lessened. For a while it worked as she pictured herself again years ago looking through pictures of various pastries that came attached to them. 

Text from an unknown number, conversations that only were there in case of emergency but were used more times than they should have. Snapshots of scrabble games (from the few wins she had) located in a protected file only opened with a password in her phone that was labeled as ‘important’ then really wasn’t, not if other people were to open it. They would find wins from phoenix, scrabble points, a picture taken of a board filled with words that were most times than not used as a conversation starter, other times to check in and to assure herself that Emily was still there, safe, alive but scared at the same time.

She remembers that time were they were only Penelope and her –years ago when Tara wasn’t with them sharing stories over a glass of wine– crying while they watched previous videos from their girls nights that Penelope always took (those same videos she and Penelope would go through during Emily’s period in Paris) where both women couldn’t help but to shed tears when Emily’s laugh erupted from the screen, each of them wanting for the older agent to be nothing more but there with them. 

Seconds, minutes and hours of conversations stored deep within her, secrets and confessions not talked out loud. What does Emily mean for her? Why has Emily always been so damn important to her? 

Those days were not recorded, JJ to this day preferred it to be like that, a distant memory that hurt too much too reminiscence about. 

Emily is the last one that takes that seat, because she notices JJ’s look, how she had been fidgeting most of the night, how little she had looked over the party, silently observing and conversing with Hotch and Spencer, later Derek had join, but before she could even step into JJ’s view and talk to her hell broke loose and JJ had not been in a state for nothing more than to be on her own, with Tara watching over. Because she knew that she could not be that person. She lost that title the moment they parted ways.

She had been distracted when Penelope left her on her own, she had been hearing only glimpses of the conversations she had with Max and Beth, both telling her that her gray hair suited her, that it made her beautiful in another way they didn’t think was possible. It had been a hard decision, not dying her hair, while she was working from home, video conferences from bureaucrats that she has had to hear through because of her new position as section chief, as work took over her life Emily cared less and less what was happening around her, declining calls from Andrew, that later would turn into text and finally into nothing as they both decided it was best to break it off. 

“I’m here” Emily admits as she looks out into the night which was previously filled with music blasting through the speakers and people she adores laughing and having a good time even though the decision of them to get back together had been tragic. Emily thinks that this has always been how all of them got through bad cases these days.

 In every worse case, there has been a party afterwards; Reid getting kidnaped had stopped all of them and stay with him, the team having dinner together every friday; Penelope getting shot by an unsub had them got do breakfast together every morning she stayed in the hospital; JJ leaving for the state department had them in a bar until late hours of the night sharing drinks and storie; her own departure had turned into the perfect opportunity for JJ and Will’s wedding. Every bad ending did have a new beginning. After all, the good moments had to outgrown the bad ones. 

“I know” JJ swallows the explanation, she was perfectly fine, she could keep it locked inside for a few more years, “But I am all good now. You don’t need to worry” 

JJ decides in the spring of a moment to leave Emily, she doesn’t really know what it was but being next to her, could break all her walls down, she was not ready to talk about everything, not now anyways. She entered the house again and found Penelope sprawled out on the couch, Luke trying to get her up. “I can help you with her” 

“It would be perfect, I wouldn't want to wake her up” 

JJ takes Penelope’s left side as Luke goes to the right, both of them navigating through Garcia's apartment, finally reaching her bedroom and laying her there. “Best if we leave it like that, right?” 

“Yeah” Luke agrees, “She looks so sweet when she has her mouth shut” He jokes as he closes the door, leaving Penelope to rest

“I could stay with her” JJ offers, in hopes she doesn’t go back to her empty apartment alone 

“No, it’s okay” Luke volunteers, “You need a night for yourself JJ, you need to get rest after all of this”

“The case was stressful for everyone” JJ points out, she wants to tell him that she doesn’t want to be alone now, that she would stay with a hungover Penelope in a heartbeat only to avoid her apartment.

“I know it’s not my call, but after what happened to you today, you need to have your mind clear. I doubt a grumpy Penelope tomorrow is going to be much of help” He states crossing his arms

”Luke is right” Emily comments coming from the hallaway, her car keys dangling from her hand, she was ready to go, but JJ knew she was waiting on her, “Ready to go?”  

“I can catch a taxi” JJ states searching the pockets of her jacket to pull her hands inside, or else Emily will know her tell– she thinks that Emily is already aware of it, but she doesn’t want to discover it now– she rubs her fingers together waiting for Emily’s protest, “I don’t want you to take a detour-”

“It’s not a bother Jayje.'' Emily reassures, voice soft as she says her name, momentarily it takes her back to Emily’s hospital room when she said her name, in that instant felt different, like if something deep in Emily was broken. It makes JJ shake her head, she doesn’t want to start tearing up again. 

“Okay” JJ doesn’t decline because she came in with Morgan but he already left. He had sent her a quick text for it but she was busy with Tara talking it out, well or everything she could talk about without crying it out again, “Take care of her, will you?”

“Yeah, now go. You both look like you need to sleep it off” Luke replies ushering them out

Emily is waiting for her by the elevator to arrive at the garage that Penelope rented for herself but never made any use of it, her right hand stopping it from closing like so many times she did when JJ had to take a run to catch it. Those early mornings when the three of them decided that if the cases weren’t going to let them do girls nights, they would switch them up for morning girls day. 

Only Emily, Tara and herself had known about it, having convinced Garcia that it would be worth it to rent it out, when the latter disregarded the idea, it became the perfect parking space that only the first one of them to come in would get. This time, it was Emily. 

“Thank you” JJ mutters, noticing Emily turning around, not looking completely at her, but JJ had always known when Emily’s eyes turned slightly towards her, when she thought she didn’t notice it. 

Those simple mornings seemed to be so far away. 

It’s Emily, as always in situations where the silence felt like suffocation who starts speaking again, she clears her throat, as to prepare JJ that she indeed was going to talk, “I’ve forgotten how many glasses Penelope could tolerate before she lost control of herself” 

JJ breathes out, because she is not pressuring her, she is taking the hardship out of the situation and letting her process it, she tilts her head as she avoids looking herself in the mirror, “If I recall, the number was two?” JJ questions, it had been such a long time since they had gotten out for drinks that the numbers all of them had before they were all the way drunk was mixing in her own mind.

“Something like that” Emily replies, reaching her car, opening the door for JJ before she went to her own side of the car, she wanted to make the conversation as effortless as possible for JJ.

“Do you want some music?” Emily inquires, she was making JJ choose, she knew that, but it would be the best way to know if she really wanted to talk about it

“No” JJ replies, fastening her seat belt, securing it into herself just like she still does for Michael the times they need to go into his favorite park. The car starts moving and JJ is met with dim lights illuminating the darkness of the night, the traffic lights turned into greens as Emily keeps driving in silence that if they were here years ago should have been pleasant to be in.

“Are you okay?.”Emily asks her as she takes another turn, maybe because she knows that JJ can't leave it any longer. It was not like she would get out of a moving vehicle in hopes that she doesn't talk about it. Well she hopes she doesn't.

JJ stays silent. The movement of the car barely registering it, the way Emily drives when she is not working has always been cautious, she had always admired that about her. “I’m fine” 

“JJ” Emily sighs, “I don’t want to press into it, however-” 

“Then don’t” 

“You know I can’t let you carry this alone” Emily says, turning the signal on as she turns around a traffic circle, choosing the third exit, a shortcut to JJ’s apartment that Will talked her about, “I can’t let you go through it alone”

“You already did” 

“What do you mean?” Emily inquires, her hands were grabbing the steering wheel a little too hard

“You already let me go through it alone” JJ states rubbing her hands, “Look, we both made mistake, so it’s better if we leave it” It’s better if you forgot about it

“Right,” Emily replies, feeling a knot in the pit of her stomach, she suspected that JJ could bring it up, “I still care about you, we all do. And we might have distanced but Jayje I know something is definitely up with you”

“It’s none of your business” Now JJ feels her whole body burning, different to how she acted when Tara dragged her into the bathroom where she felt as if she was going to dissipate into the void. Now it's contrasting she thinks, because she is mad that Emily had always been the one who had always understood her. Not Will. He never could.  “Why do you do this?”

“Do what?” Emily’s calmness is too infuriating for her, the moment she stops the car JJ jumps out, racing for the first time inside her house

“Know when I actually have something bottled up, how do you always know it?” JJ squeals, the force of her own voice when she is directing at Emily. She doesn’t remember ever having yelled at her. They never shouted at each other, not even when they disagreed on something.  

JJ enters her house and wishes –not for the first time– that she had some acknowledgment that she has been inhabiting this space for more than four months. She turns towards Emily as she watches her take all the empty spaces surrounding them. 

“Well, if I didn’t know better this could have been my apartment” Emily jokes stepping inside the flat, empty boxes piled up at the corner, the only thing visible was a blue couch, no decorations and an only cup drying above a dish towel, “What happened here?”. Her reply to the question JJ had asked already forgotten, what she thought JJ was struggling with, was so much bigger.

JJ knows it was meant to be a joke, she knows that Emily didn't mean to hurt her, not directly. She had thought about it the first time she came inside and noticed the lack of comfiness here, as if it was a provisional stay rather than her own home from now on. She faintly remembers how Emily had declined every bit of decoration ideas her and Penelope would give her. 

It was not the same. Emily decided to quit and leave and she just couldn't do that. Not anymore, she needed to face it.

“Am I a bad mother?” 

“No” Emily answered truthfully, walking around the blue worn out couch, the same one that JJ had in the house she shared with Will, “I know firsthand how having parents that weren’t made to have children bring them up, I’ve lived it. You are not near that category” 

“Today I might as well be” JJ rubs her forehead, she takes a seat on the couch, legs sprawled on each sides, “I hung up on Henry and Michael” 

“I know” Emily admitted, she decided not to reach for her phone, it would be useless, “Will called me when they couldn’t reach you”

JJ felt her tears falling freely into her trousers, she didn’t even notice her face getting wet for the second time in the night, she didn’t want to break down again, she choked out, as best as her shaky voice could, “What..what did you tell them?”

“That you needed some time alone to think” 

JJ nods, she would have probably have chosen the same words if she had been the one in Emily’s place

“When Tara went with you inside the bathroom, did you get that time?” Emily asks, noticing JJ’s movements had stopped 

“No”

“I better get going then. It’s clear that you need to have some room to unpack everything” Emily announces, she feels as if she can’t do much more than she already did. 

“Wait” JJ’s pleading voice stops her, she decides to close the door again, but chosses  to stay in place. The next words that come straight out of JJ’s mouth are what she has been waiting for so long to hear.

“It’s been hard” JJ breathes, looking back at Emily, she tries her best to get rid of a lone tear running through her check but finds it impossible to do so, “Now I feel like I’m right back at the start. As if I was once again leaving my hometown behind all over again” 

Emily walks back into the space that she hopes JJ would call her living room and pulls her into a hug. Hands gripping tightly against her back, traces of tears staining her left side of her neck. “I know JJ” She acknowledges, tracing fingers thought JJ’s back, something that had always calmed her down, things that only she has had the privilege to know, “I’m here”

“I knew that it wasn’t right Emily” JJ cries out on her embrace, only this time she is the one holding her, not letting her break alone, between cracked sobs, “But it was everything I made by myself, something that I had been happy I created”

“You still have them” Emily reminds her, she breaks the contact having grabbed a kleenex to dry her tears, “Will, the boys and we will always be here. We have your back” I’ll always be here, even if I seem to be far away

Emily asks, because she is curious about her answer, “Do you regret it, leaving him?” 

“No” JJ admits, it might be the only thing that for today has felt liberating to accept. She loved Will. Tried sometimes too hard to do it, but it didn’t work out. JJ knows it never could have, but the love was still there, remained there, just not with the same intensity. Not as the love that she felt for someone else. “Our marriage, it was becoming unstable to the point that we needed to take breaks from each other” 

“Well, marriage in our line of work is something hard to maintain, isn’t it?” Emily comments, and it takes her back to Hotch, and the conversation they had about it, how he blamed the job, but she blamed herself

“I don’t think it is” JJ debated, she bit the inside of her check, “Not when both parts want to fight for it” She turns towards Emily, taking her in for the first time since she stepped into the same space at her, the black dress and the way she had let her hair down was something that JJ had always found attractive, aging intensifying her natural beauty. “It’s love, what keeps everything together, right?” 

“I suppose it is,” Emily replies, “Would the outcome have been different if this wasn’t where you choose to be?” Would it be different if it was me who you chose instead?

“What do you mean? If I stayed as a communications liaison instead of upgrading my position as a profiler?” JJ thinks about it, but the bickering and the need to understand from both of their parts would still be there. The long hours and the unreasonable hours that Will claimed she worked would still be there. Her seat at the kitchen table would still be vacant.

Emily nods, she wanted to get to the end of everything that was causing JJ pain, “Was really your job the reason for the divorce?” Emily presses, she thought that she was near, it would be beneficial for JJ to let everything out in the open for once. Emily already knew what happened if secrets were kept for a long time; episodes happened and they didn’t stop happening until everything was out. Until there was nothing more to hide. 

JJ shakes her head, no matter how many hours she spent at work, it was not something she learned to hate, the way Will did, “I think, that in the end, it was our fault”, she puts her left hand over her lips, “I think” JJ reasons, “That we are better people for it, for knowing when to leave something that was hurting us both” 

“It takes strength to admit something like that” Emily adds, holding out her hand for JJ, “Everything will fall into place eventually” 

JJ nods, holding Emily’s hand in her own, “Do you think that I made a mistake two decades ago?” 

“No” Emily cautioned, she herself had been beating herself into that same moment, had she done something different would she have been happier? She still had JJ there for her, years ago when their friendship was just starting, “You did what you felt like was right in that moment and maybe it was bound to happen”

“Yeah maybe it did” JJ agrees, squeezing Emily’s hand, “I think that deep down I’ve always know that he could never be you” 

“Come on, with the accent?” Emily jokes, and she swears that JJ’s laugh has never felt so satisfying after so many years

"He was right, in that period of my life, Will felt like the perfect person for what I had in mind" JJ says as she smiles fondly at the memory, she adds, "I would never not be grateful for everything he gave me" 

"You guys did do a great work with Henry and Michael considering how crazy our lives have been" Emily comments, kissing JJs palm and getting curled over her, changing her position, "You should come with me tomorrow, this place needs little splash of color so I know that you are here" So I know that you are not going to leave

"Do you think love could destroy us?" JJ questions, now everything seemed to be clearer, Emily, she thinks that was who she was meant to be with all along

"Yes" Emily replies, she has always know that loving someone came with hardships, but JJ made sense for all the pain that could came if it didn't work out, "Either way know that if it does, my love for you will never change" 

JJ smiles, "Emily?" 

Emily turns around, facing JJ, their positions slightly changed, if any of them would decide to stop, it would be easy to run out, but their mouths get closer and JJ has never felt the way the butterflies deep in her stomach turned around and her heart quickened more than when their lips collided.

Forehead pressed together, short breaths coming as they tried to regain their breathing back into normal peace, JJ felt that this moment would be right to confess it, something that she suspects that Emily had already know, "I love you"

Notes:

tumblr account if somebody wants to yell: Jemily-in-paris