Chapter Text
Xie Lian woke up before Hua Cheng, who had wrapped himself around him. The impulse, or maybe it was more a need, to stay, to lean into the curve of his body and the soft feeling of the morning struck.
That was his sign to get up. Best to do that before he did something stupid.
Xie Lian lifted Hua Cheng's arm and wiggled until he had enough space to squeeze past him. Hua Cheng grunted and clung all the while.
It hurt, knowing he was thinking of someone else.
It hurt to be half-loved.
Xie Lian sat in Dr. Wen’s office with E’ming, waiting for her verdict.
“Well,” she said. “Assuming E’ming is telling the truth-” she glared pointedly - “I trust your assessment. E’ming will be taken off eyesight, provided he remains safe.”
Xie Lian smiled. “That’s wonderful!”
“Thank fucking god,” groaned E’ming.
There was a small smile on Dr. Wen’s face. “E’ming, you can go. Mu Qing will escort you back.”
Xie Lian gave her a questioning look. “And me?”
“We need to talk. You’re staying.”
Oh, no. That never meant anything good.
Once E’ming had left with Mu Qing, Dr. Wen began organizing his file.
“Xie Lian. Do you have a therapist?” Dr. Wen asked while gazing over the rim of her glasses with paperwork in hand. She said it as if she were asking him about the weather.
“Oh, um, no, haha, so hard to find a good therapist nowadays-“
She gave him a harsh look, putting down her paperwork and steepling her fingers. “You are literally surrounded by therapists.”
“Ah, well, they’re not really here to help me, are they? Besides, I’m really doing great!”
She sighed, like she was disappointed. What did he do wrong? “Xie Lian, sweet child,” she said, and Xie Lian noticed her crows feet for the first time. When had she gotten so old? Why had he stayed so young? “You are leaps and bounds better than you were. But all you’ve done with all that pain is sublimate it into positive nihilism and a savior complex. You don’t see a problem with that?”
“You…you told me to make something of it. I did. I’ve healed. I’m a better person. I’ve helped people. I don’t need-“ she gave him a scolding look, and he shut his mouth.
Dr. Wen turned around to put away E’ming’s file. “I’m going to tell you a secret you really ought to know about healing: it never stops. You will never be healed. Just because you put all that effort into healing other people, doesn’t mean you’re some enlightened bodhisattva.” She smiled bitterly. “You read Camus? I know you did. You quote him all the time. I’m sorry dear, but you’re never really done rolling that rock up that hill. At least try rolling your own, for once. You don’t really have much to call your own, and you’ve allowed yourself to be half-content for far too long.”
“What…what else is there?”
“Actually allowing yourself to feel, for one.”
“I do feel!”
“Oh, I’m sure you feel plenty, until you get in your pretty little head about it, then it’s all so scary you shut down. Congratulations, you’ve reasoned your way through to this point. Life isn’t so scary anymore, but your feelings, they terrify you.”
He opened his mouth to defend himself, but there was nothing else to say. She was right. All those times he sat in his room, feeling disgusting after touching himself. All those times he said the easier thing, laughed instead of crying, pushed Hua Cheng away, called every emotional action stupid.
“How?” He whispered.
“A contemporary of Camus and fellow psychiatrist said that anyone with a why can survive any how. He survived the Holocaust, so I’d say your chances are pretty good. I think you know your why. He’s known for years. The only question now,” she said, making pointed eye contact. “Is how.”
He gasped. “San Lang…he’s-“
“Ah, there’s the lightbulb! Really, all that thinking and it took you that long? You’re a smart man, Xie Lian. I think you’ve always known, a priori, whom you were speaking to. You just didn’t allow yourself to feel it.” She grinned, triumphant. “You saved him. Now, make something of it. Something for yourself.”
When the door shut behind him, he was still in shock.
Hong’er was alive. Hong’er had grown up, and now he was-he was-
He was incredible. Handsome, kind, funny, talented. Unique. He was more than anything Xie Lian could have ever made of it on his own.
Maybe it was time to stop trying to do it on his own.
Maybe it was time to ask Hua Cheng what he wanted, and hope he gave him the honest, selfish answer.
Xie Lian had never been more selfish than when he thought he was being selfless. It never came naturally to him, being good. He’d thought it did. He’d been proven wrong enough times to know he at least had to try.
But effort wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Xie Lian went about the rest of his shift in an impatient haze. By the time eight o’clock came around, he was checking his phone every five seconds. He spent most of the bus ride switching around apps as if he were mentally pacing.
A notification popped up. It was Hua Cheng. Xie Lian jumped like he was electrocuted.
-Gege, wanna have fun tonight ?
Xie Lian’s heart leapt. What kind of fun?
…
…
-Drag show. 10:00 PM.
Oh. So public fun. Still, if Hua Cheng would be there…
I’ll be there. Address?
-Here. >:))
Xie Lian spent an absurd amount of time staring at his closet, wishing for the first time that he’d kept all those nice tailored designer clothes from before he gave all his money away and donated all of them. Guilt complexes were a hell of a drug.
He probably didn’t even have to look that good. Everyone would be watching the queens anyways.
He’d always had a big ego. Why else would he be so ashamed? Admitting it seemed like a step towards fixing both.
At the very least, he’d add earrings and the leftover Chanel cologne he never used. He didn’t really have much else to choose from. Should he wear white, cream, or gray?
He’d be adventurous and wear pastel blue. The jeans were ripped, and not in a designer kind of way, but in a “I bought this from the thrift store” way. It kind of worked. Gay people liked thrifting, right?
He just had a feeling Hua Cheng would look incredible, and then he would just be the charity case.
He had a lot to say to him, so he might as well make his case compelling looking.
Call him selfish.
Oh, thought Xie Lian upon entering the underground bar..
He only recognized Hua Cheng by his height and the eyepatch. The fake tits were a new addition. And the…everything else.
Hua Cheng was standing by the bar fanning himself slowly with a shimmering gold fan. He was wearing red lingerie.
He was wearing fucking lingerie.
“San Lang!” He called out. Hua Cheng perked up like a hunting dog and made eye contact. He smiled, black lacquered lips stretching into a genuine smile that looked lascivious with the makeup. He trotted over, swaying his fake hips and continuing to fan himself. His leather lace up boots reached his knees and made him the tallest person in the room. Xie Lian felt his heart skip several beats.
“Gege!” San Lang announced once he’d reached him. “You came just in time! It’s about to start.”
“You could have told me you were performing,” said Xie Lian, because frankly a warning that he would be seeing Hua Cheng in lingerie would have been nice for his cardiovascular health.
“I wanted to surprise Gege!”
“You succeeded.”
“Do you like it?”
Truth to be told, he’d never been all that compelled by drag on an aesthetic level. He still thought maybe Hua Cheng would look nicer without the fake tits, but looking nice wasn’t exactly the point of drag. He’d never understood it until…now. As it was, Hua Cheng was clearly enjoying himself. It suited him, not quite in the way leather jackets did, but in the way a part in a play could be perfect for someone. How could he not like it?
“I do. Should I call you San Niang?”
“Gege can, but only you. For everyone else, it’s De Flower.”
Xie Lian snorted. “Of course it would be.” Xie Lian decided not to make a suggestive joke. He’d leave that to Hua Cheng.
“Mn,” Hua Cheng said, clearly holding back said suggestive joke. Xie Lian kind of wished he just said it. He’d been holding back far too much. They both had been.
‘San Lang, I need to talk to you. I-”
Hua Cheng’s eye softened, which should have been impossible with a cat eye. “After the show, okay?”
“But-” Some kpop song had started playing, blasting through the speakers. Something about sexuality.
“That’s my queue. The show starts in five. I saved you a seat, front and center.”
Feeling brave, Xie Lian nodded. “Okay. Kiss for good luck?”
Hua Cheng’s face lit up and he leaned in. “I don’t need luck,” he said when he pulled away. “But I do need Gege.”
Xie Lian felt himself flush. “I’m going to buy a drink,” Xie Lian announced.
“Put it on my tab. I’m second up, so make it quick.”
After procuring a virgin mojito, Xie Lian found his seat -- which was marked with Hua Cheng’s red leather jacket he loved so much, and very much front and center.
Oh god, San Lang, what are you planning?
Xie Lian sat and sipped his drink while waiting for the show to start. The first queen performed to a random American rap song. It was a thrilling performance, but Xie Lian was impatient. It occurred to him he probably should have brought cash, and Xie Lian felt kind of shitty about that.
Then Hua Cheng came out to a slow, sensuous song, walking in the way models did on the runway, and Xie Lian’s mind went blank. He registered that the song was in Korean, but that was pretty much it. Hua Cheng made eye contact and smiled coquettishly, making flourishes with his arms and hips.
Haneun, haneun-
Xie Lian was going to die. Hua Cheng jumped off the stage onto his knees and rolled his hips in the air with his hand on his crotch, following with a split and throwing his head back. He rolled his body into a downward arch, flicking his hair back before sitting up.
This was just not fair. He had to have been punishing him. Hua Cheng wasn’t just a drag queen, but a stripper. Just how much was he not telling him?
After briefly collecting tips, Hua Cheng locked eyes with him and resumed that stupidly sexy slow model walk straight towards him.
Oh, no.
Hua Cheng took him by the chin, yanking his head up on a downbeat and settling into his lap, tossing his hair and throwing his arms around his shoulders before grinding. Xie Lian closed his eyes, swearing under his breath.
Hua Cheng was giving him a lap dance. He was vaguely aware of the crowd going fucking wild, and he felt a hot pink flush in his skin. He was definitely hard, and Hua Cheng definitely knew exactly what he was doing.
Stay here with me baby , lip synched Hua Cheng, grinding once more before smiling, kissing his cheek and getting off like nothing had happened. Xie Lian wheezed.
And of course the song went on for another two agonizing minutes of seductive movements and flirtatious smiles with way too much charged eye contact.
People were looking at him. Xie Lian crossed his legs, desperately trying not to make eye contact with anyone. Someone was patting him roughly on the back. Xie Lian downed his virgin mojito, starting to wish he did drink, and excused himself to the bathroom.
He splashed water in his face, gripping the counter with probably too much force. He needed the arousal to go away, fast.
Of course Hua Cheng chose that moment to strut in to fix his lipstick, because apparently Xie Lian forgot to lock the door. “Hello, Gege,” he said innocently.
Xie Lian turned around, pressing his back into the counter and facing the faux-innocent demon that was Hua Cheng. “What the fuck was that?”
“What do you mean, Gege? I was just performing.”
Xie Lian spluttered. “You-I-”
Hua Cheng screwed his lipstick closed, turning to him.
“Hm? Is there a problem?” He asked, eyes flicking downwards with a knowing smile. “Mm, Gege, I can take care of that for you.”
“San Lang! Are you punishing me for what happened at my apartment? I offered!”
“And I’m offering now. It’s practically a reward.” Hua Cheng tilted his head, crowding him against the counter. “Yes or no, Gege?” He was caressing his hands up and down his sides.
Xie Lian glanced around. “...The door?”
Hua Cheng smirked. “Locked it. The music is loud. No one will know a thing.” He raised an eyebrow. “Unless Gege wants them to hear.”
“No! Um, I mean…” Was he really about to do this? In public?
You’ve allowed yourself to be half-content for far too long.
He’d be selfish.
“Yes,” he gasped. “Yes, you can-whatever you want, please.”
Hua Cheng grinned like he’d handed him a million yuan and dropped to his knees. He dug his short nails into Xie Lian’s hips underneath his shirt, mouthing his straining cock over his jeans. He started to undo Xie Lian’s belt, taking his time with it and making eye contact all the while, looking up through half lidded eyes and false eyelashes. Xie Lian could feel precum oozing out at just the sight alone. He shuddered. “San Lang, please.”
“Patience, Gege. I want to do this right. I’ve wanted to do this for a long time.”
Was there a right way to suck someone’s cock? Xie Lian wouldn’t know it. Hua Cheng could probably do anything at this point.
Hua Cheng pulled his pants down, palming his cock with one less layer. Xie Lian’s eyes rolled back in his head.
“Mmm, Gege feels-big. Thick.”
“Please San Lang, don’t tease,” Xie Lian begged.
“I like it when you beg,” mused Hua Cheng. “I want you to ask for everything you ever want. San Lang is happy to provide,” he said, which was the most dangerous thing he ever said. He licked over his briefs. Xie Lian felt himself twitch. He was painfully hard. He could feel tears beading in his eyes. “Condom?” Hua Cheng prompted.
“Um, I don’t have one, I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. I’m clean, and Gege’s never done this before, right?”
“No,” Xie Lian choked out. “Never. But, won’t it be messy?”
“Not if I have anything to say about it,” Hua Cheng said, finally freeing his cock and thumbing underneath the head. Hua Cheng seemed entranced by it, gazing at it with heavy lust. “Gege has such a pretty cock,” he praised. Xie Lian’s hips twitched.
“No it’s not!” Xie Lian looked away from the lewd display below him, probably blushing furiously in shame at what he was allowing himself to do.
“Every part of Gege is pretty. I’m honored to finally get to see the prettiest,” Hua Cheng said, licking the tip and running his piercing through the frenulum. It was absurdly good. Hua Cheng gave no warning before taking the entirety of him in his mouth, letting it hit the back of his throat and swallowing. Xie Lian clamped a hand over his mouth, biting his knuckles harshly to stop a sound. Hua Cheng sucked, hollowing his cheeks and working his tongue.
“F-fuck, San Lang, that’s so-”
“Mmm,” hummed Hua Cheng against him, and the vibrations made him let out a pathetic little whimper. He pulled back, using his hands and looking up at him. “Gege tastes so good. Can’t wait to swallow his cum.”
Xie Lian wheezed, screwing his eyes shut. “Then-” Hua Cheng pressed his thumb into the tip and he choked on his own spit. “Good, fuck, I’m-I can’t-”
Hua Cheng took him in his mouth again, bobbing up and down and sucking like his life depended on it.
“San Lang!” he warned before he came. Hua Cheng moaned, as if it were his orgasm, and continued to swallow around him until it stopped. It took much longer than he was used to, and Xie Lian felt like he was floating. His legs started to give out and Hua Cheng heaved him onto the counter, continuing to suck like he was crazed. Xie Lian cried out from the oversensitivity, attempting to push his head away as another small burst of cum leaked out. Hua Cheng was merciless.
“San-San Lang! I-I can’t-”
Hua Cheng finally pulled away, panting and dick-drunk. “Gege, Gege, let me-”
“San Lang?”
Hua Cheng hugged his knees. “Can I-can I finger you? I want more of Gege. In me, around me, on me-”
“San Lang,” Xie Lian groaned. “Mercy! Please, that was- I’ve never cum so hard in my life, if you keep going I’m not going to be able to walk,” he whined.
“Fuck, it hurts, Gege it hurts-”
“San Lang?” Xie Lian grabbed his face, bringing him up to eye level. “Fuck, San Lang, did you tuck?”
Hua Cheng nodded, practically sobbing. He was trembling. “It hurts so bad!” he wailed.
“San Lang, you’re hurting yourself. Take it off.” Xie Lian fumbled with his panties, swearing. “Stupid fucking-garter strap!” Fuck it, he said to himself, and tore the lace in two. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I know it’s probably expensive, but I’m not letting you hurt yourself.” He tore the tights and leggings down and scrambled to free his throbbing red cock. Hua Cheng sighed once he was free, going limp in Xie Lian’s embrace. Xie Lian let go to hug him gently, caressing his messy hair back from his face. “Better?”
Hua Cheng nodded, still trembling. “San Lang? What do you want? I can-”
“Please, Gege, if you touched me right now it would only hurt worse. Give me-give me a minute.”
“San Lang,” Xie Lian sighed, running his fingers across his scalp. “Why would you do that to yourself?”
“I just wanted Gege in my mouth,” he mumbled. “Wanted to touch you, please you, god you make me crazy. I’ve wanted to do that for years, I couldn’t wait any longer.”
Xie Lian was quiet for a moment, remembering the very important words he had to say to him but feeling dumb to actually say them. Maybe that wasn’t what Hua Cheng needed right now. He shimmied to tuck himself back into his underwear and pull his pants up.
“San Lang, is it better yet?”
“A little. Gege doesn’t have to-”
“I want to. You said I could ask for anything I wanted. I want to-to-” fuck, why were the words always so much harder? “Um, San Lang should get whatever he wants too.”
“I don’t have lube,” he whined. “I want Gege to fuck me.”
Xie Lian twitched. “San Lang, I think you’ve hurt yourself enough.”
“Want you inside me.”
“Here,” Xie Lian said, running his hand under the faucet. “Would water work? I won’t use my-my dick, but I can finger you.”
“Spit is better.”
“Alright,” said Xie Lian, shaking off his hand and hopping off the counter. “Get up,” he prompted, tugging Hua Cheng to take his place on the counter. He placed one finger on his lips. “Go on.”
Hua Cheng stared. “Are you sure?” His lips moved underneath his finger, muffling his words slightly.
“Yes. San Lang made me feel good, so I’ll do the same. And, um, I kind of really want to-ah!” Hua Cheng had engulfed his finger in his lips, sucking like it was a lollipop before taking it further and licking it thoroughly. Xie Lian drew his finger out, hoping it was sufficiently wet.
“Also, I’ve also obviously never done this either so San Lang will have to help a bit.”
“You’ll do great. You’ve done it to yourself?”
“A…a few times, yes.”
“Then do that. You know what to do.”
“Okay…” Xie Lian reached down to massage his hole lightly. “Tell me when you want more.”
Hua Cheng hummed, closing his eye and shifting his hips. “More.”
“Really? Already?”
“Not there,” he said, guiding Xie Lian’s head down and in to be eye level with his cock. “Here.”
“Oh,” Xie Lian swallowed. Two things at once. He wasn’t confident he could do both well at the same time, but if Hua Cheng wanted it-
Xie Lian gave kitten licks to the head of his cock. Long and thin, just like the rest of him. It was slightly intimidating. He took the head in his mouth, sucking before shyly moving further.
“Good,” hummed Hua Cheng, grabbing a handful of his hair. Xie Lian tried deeper, and he pulled his hair back. “Ah-don’t choke yourself, beloved.”
Beloved. Butterflies swam in his stomach at the endearment. He shook his head free and tried again, allowing it to just tickle the back of his tongue before giving up. He used his free hand to reach behind and fondle his balls while his other hand worked just the rim open.
Hua Cheng groaned. “Fuck, just like that.”
Feeling more confident, Xie Lian hollowed his cheeks and sucked hard, causing Hua Cheng to cry out this time. “AH-Dianxia, more! In!”
Dianxia . Hua Cheng thought of him as royalty. Those butterflies were now a swarm.
Xie Lian pulled away to spit on his hole before inserting just past his second knuckle. “Alright?”
“Mn.” Hua Cheng used his hair to guide him back to his cock. “Good. Good boy.”
Good boy. Xie Lian never knew he had a praise kink, but apparently today was for new discoveries. It made sense, he supposed. Big ego, low self esteem. He moaned around his cock, causing Hua Cheng to do the same. “Deeper.”
Without further direction, Xie Lian decided to go deeper on both. Hua Cheng’s back arched as he keened. Xie Lian crooked his finger, and Hua Cheng bucked his hips involuntarily. Xie Lian choked, pulling away and coughing.
“Fuck, Dianxia I’m so sorry, you just-” he crooked his finger at the same angle. Hua Cheng yelled. “There!”
Pleased and just a little bit prideful, Xie Lian continued stimulating his prostate while he caught his breath. “Fuck, Dianxia, Gege, Beloved, I’m-AH! I’m coming, I’m coming, don’t-”
Xie Lian shifted just in time to miss getting cum in his eye. That probably would have been very bad. As it was, it splattered on his cheek and down his neck. He didn’t really mind, because it was San Lang. He withdrew, standing up and wiping his cheek while Hua Cheng collected himself.
Hua Cheng gave him a sad look. “Oh fuck, Gege I’m so sorry-”
“I don’t mind,” protested Xie Lian, running a finger through it and raising it to his lips. “Mm. I guess I’ll just have to swallow next time,” he grinned. He understood why Hua Cheng was so shameless now. Or maybe Hua Cheng had just filled the ego-self esteem gap enough for him to abandon shame for now.
Hua Cheng made a strange little noise. “Next-next time?”
“And the one after that,” Xie Lian said, procuring paper towels. “Although maybe the time after that one you’ll come inside of me. I think I’d like that,” he said, wiping himself down and washing his hands. Hua Cheng stared.
“You’re teasing me.”
“Only a little, for what you did out there. By the way, shouldn’t someone have-”
“HEY! SOME PEOPLE HAVE TO PISS!”
“Ah, there it is,” He said dryly, in the way people said “it’s raining” when they didn’t bring an umbrella. Xie Lian’s eyes widened. “Fuck. How the fuck are we getting out of here?”
“We’re not,” Hua Cheng lamented. “This was La Perla, by the way.”
“SAN LANG!” Xie Lian squealed. “You let me tear your thousand yuan lingerie?”
“Five thousand. Worth it. Damn, we should have done this in the dressing room, at least then we could get out.”
Xie Lian looked up, pointing. “Window.”
“You want to fucking-crawl out the window?”
“Please San Lang, I do not have the face to go out there right now. I barely had the face to do any of that.” Ah, the gap had returned. Maybe Hua Cheng could fill hi-it.
“I need to get my shit.”
“Leave it! Please, San Lang.”
“My money!”
“You have enough of it!”
“JESUS CHRIST, IF YOU GUYS ARE GOING FOR ANOTHER ROUND I’M KILLING YOU BOTH AND THEN MYSELF!”
“Gege, My keys and my phone too. My wallet has my ID and my credit cards. If someone finds it-”
Xie Lian made a split-second decision, shedding his long jacket. “Here, wear this. I’ll go with you.”
“You will?”
“As long as you’re wearing something, it’s not that obvious,” Xie Lian reasoned, lying to himself. He’d get over it. He always did.
“Okay. Thank you, Gege.” Hua Cheng took the jacket and put it on, zipping it up. It covered just enough that with his leggings and tights back on, it looked like he just got cold. “Ready?”
Xie Lian took a deep breath. “Yeah,” he said, taking his hand. Hua Cheng unlocked the door.
“Fuck. You. He Xuan,” he said to the drag queen in all black which glowered at them like they'd murdered his entire family.
Well, at least it’s not a stranger, Xie Lian thought.
“No thanks, I think he did enough. Are you going to let me piss now?”
“You literally could have just used the women’s bathroom. You’re dressed the part anyway.” Hua Cheng snarled.
“Gender roles. Fuck off.”
“San Lang? Can we…go? This isn’t how I planned to meet your friends.”
Hua Cheng looked back at him, gaze softening in the way he was just realizing it always did when he looked at him. “Of course, Gege.” Hua Cheng took his hand and led him off with one last glare at his- friend? Coworker? Xie Lian had no idea.
They made it to the dressing room without too many weird looks.
“There you are! Jesus Christ Crimson Rain, I had to-oh, hi!” Said another performer wearing a flowy green robe over a bralette. Their hair was done in curling pigtails. They had a feminine look to them that made Xie Lian think this probably wasn't just a gig.
“Uh, Hi?”
“You’re Xie Lian? God, I’ve been waiting ages for him to introduce you! I’m Shi Qingxuan.”
“...Hi, Shi Qingxuan,” he said awkwardly, giving shifting glances to where Hua Cheng was gathering his shit and pulling on a pair of sweatpants.
“Feng Shui, stop harassing my Gege.”
Shi Qingxuan looked over their shoulder. “Oh, your cash is over there by the way. You got a couple hundreds for that little show.”
They turned back to Xie Lian. “Are you two boyfriends now? AH! So exciting, I swore he would never get the balls!”
“Um, well, no?” Hua Cheng was shoving several hundred yuan into a bag. He was frowning. “Um, well, we just haven’t had that talk yet.” They probably did that out of order, come to think of it.
“Qingxuan, I mean it. He doesn’t want to talk to you.”
Well, that was kind of true, but Shi Qingxuan seemed like a lovely person to talk to when you weren’t in the middle of the walk of shame. Mercifully it seemed they hadn’t picked up on it.
Shi Qingxuan leaned in. Xie Lian leaned away. Did he still have cum in his hair? He felt himself give a nervous smile. “Hua Cheng seems tough, but he’s really sensitive. You really need to-”
“I’m ready, Gege.” Hua Cheng was standing just behind Shi Qingxuan, ignoring their entire existence.
Xie Lian smiled, relieved.
“Oh! Wait, let me give you my number! We should have a double date!”
“A-double date?”
“Yeah, with Ming-Xiong. You haven’t met him, but he’s my partner.”
He Xuan, Hua Cheng mouthed. Xie Lian laughed nervously. Better than crying. “Right, I’d…I’d love to meet him! We’ll-we’ll do that!”
“No, we won’t.” Hua Cheng grabbed Xie Lian’s hand and started walking towards the stage exit. “Let’s go, Gege.”
“HUA CHENG! You owe me for doing your encore!”
Hua Cheng paused. “You got the cash, didn’t you?”
“Well, obviously.” Shi Qingxuan flicked their massive fan open and started fanning themself.
“Then I don’t owe you. We’re leaving.”
“I didn’t give Xie-xiong my number!”
“He doesn’t want it. Bye.” Hua Cheng pushed them through the stage exit and into the alleyway that smelled like booze and cigarettes. Maybe a little bit of piss too. Xie Lian still took a deep breath, relieved.
“I do kind of want their number.” If anything, he owed Shi Qingxuan. He would’ve never survived an encore.
Hua Cheng didn’t answer, walking ahead. Xie Lian cantered to catch up to him, threading their hands together.
It was silent for a while as they walked. He was still wearing his jacket. Luckily Xie Lian didn’t get cold easily, and he wore his nicest V-neck sweater so it really wasn’t all that bad.
He bit his lip, trying to gather his courage. All of it seemed to have been sucked out of him after, well…yeah.
He swung their hands, thinking.
Fuck it.
“San Lang. You’re Hong’er.”
Hua Cheng scuffed his step on a bump in the sidewalk. He stopped. “...That took Gege a very long time.”
He let go of Xie Lian’s hand and took a step away. The shadows cast by buildings hid his face. A car passed by, and the red tail lights reflected in his remaining eye.
“I can’t believe I didn’t-it’s the same eye!”
“Yep,” said Hua Cheng drily.
“San Lang, is it me? The man you’re in love with?”
“Obviously.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Xie Lian shrieked. “I was going crazy! I thought I was your side piece!”
“Gege could never be a side piece. There could never be anyone but you.”
“You just let me sit there and cry about a man that didn’t exist?”
“I’m sorry, Gege. You were overwhelmed, and…I was scared.”
“I told you I loved you!”
“You took it back. And it’s different to fall in love with me than to fall in love with you.”
“I meant it, and it’s not.”
“It’s easier.”
“It’s really, really not.”
“I was fifteen. That’s weird.”
“You’re not fifteen anymore, are you?”
“No.”
“So it’s not weird.”
Hua Cheng took a shuddering breath. “I watched you die, Xie Lian. Do you-do you know what you look like, when you jump off a building and die?”
Xie Lian shut his eyes. He didn’t want to think about it. He had to, for Hua Cheng’s sake. For Hong’er’s sake. He took a step forward. “I’m sorry, San Lang.”
Hua Cheng took a step back, resembling in that moment that scared and desperate child from so long ago. “Don’t apologize. Don’t fucking apologize to me when I killed you. You saved my life, and I killed you. It’s not the same. You can’t love the person that killed you.”
“I killed myself!”
“I jumped first! You told me to live for you, and I jumped!”
“I was being stupid! San Lang, we were both young and depressed. It does things to your brain. You weren’t in your right mind, and neither was I. I would have jumped anyways, once I got you to safety where you couldn’t watch. Instead you had to-you had to see me like that. That’s traumatic, and I’m sorry.”
Hua Cheng sounded choked. “I-I’ve spent eight years loving you. Living for you. All to make up for what I did, and it will never be enough. You might love Hua Cheng, but you can’t love Hong’er.”
“I do! Hua Cheng, Hong’er, I have always loved you. Circumstances changed, and it’s different now, but I have always loved you. You became my reason too. I saved you. Dr. Wen told me that meant something. It did. It does. It means you’re here, and that means I’m here, and I get to love you in all the ways I couldn’t love Hong’er.” Xie Lian took his hand, rubbing the knuckles with his thumb. “And I am so, so grateful for that. I never wanted to live more than when it meant loving you.”
Hua Cheng pulled him into a hug, crushing him like he wanted to fuse every particle of himself with him. “I love you,” cried Hua Cheng. “Beloved, sweet Dianxia. I love you. Adore you. I am so, so in love with you. You’re so much more than I ever could have dreamed.”
“I am too, San Lang. I do, I love you.” Xie Lian stroked his hair, coaxing him to pull away with little kisses to his temple, his tear-stained cheek, his eyepatch. Finally, his mouth, deep and passionate. “I love you. Let’s go home, boyfriend?”
Hua Cheng squirmed happily. “Boyfriend!”
“Boyfriend, beloved. Your place?”
“It can be our place.” Hua Cheng blurted. “Um, for tonight.”
Xie Lian patted his cheek. “We’ll talk about it. I want ferrets.”
He beamed. “Gege will get ferrets.”
“I can’t wait. San Lang, let’s go home.”
So they did, and Xie Lian never really left. As long as he had Hua Cheng, he was always home.
“Something is different.”
“You’re right,” said Xie Lian, ruffling his hair, now a chocolate brown fading into hazelnut instead of the natural black. It fell in waves to frame his eyebrows. He thought it made him look like a C-pop idol. Or H-what’s-his-name from TXT. “I dyed my hair.”
His hair was the least of things that were different after just two days off, but that was none of their business.
Banyue gave him a look. “Congratulations, Xie-Gege.”
“Thanks, it’s my first time dyeing it,” he said, intentionally keeping the topic on his hair.
Banyue opened her mouth, and Xie Lian widened his eyes at her and thinned his lips. She shut it.
It was E’ming’s release day. He only cried a little, once he’d escorted him to his ride home and holed up in the break room.
“Maybe I’ll see you in Taiwan someday, kiddo. When San Lang and I get married,” he’d said. E’ming’s face had exploded in a shiteating grin.
“Knew it,” he’d said.
Hua Cheng surprised him with his first ferret that day. A slinky white one with gray flocking that made it look perpetually dirty and a ring of black fur at the end of its tail.
“Ruoye,” he’d declared. “But spelled wrong.”
Ruoye chewed through their electric grid while they broke the bed that night. Hua Cheng used it as an excuse to go apartment hunting in Taiwan.
Xie Lian applied for visas and put his apartment up for lease transfer.
Adoption papers would have to wait.