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Reflections

Summary:

Tsukasa is many things. Strong, happy, healthy. He always smiles, because he has no reason not to. But sometimes, just sometimes, when he looks in the mirror, he sees something. Or rather... a lack of something.

There's a simple fix, to ignore it.

Unfortunately for him, Nene notices.

-

Tsukasa learns to not look away.

Notes:

There are some things here referencing my other fic, Empty. Not necessary at all to the enjoyment of this one, but at this point I'm just making the lagnusliker cinematic universe by connecting all of my fics ever so slightly.

Remember, human beings are complex!

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Tenma Tsukasa is a master at many things. One of such things is posing.

In order to be a star on stage, one must learn how to fill up as much space as possible. Poses are one such way to do that, which is why Tsukasa had practiced his poses in the mirror every day, even creating new ones for certain occasions. He'd taken a break for a while, but only because one day after a strategy meeting at his house, he'd been trying to come up with a new pose, one for 'stop judging my interior design choices!', only to accidentally punch the mirror and break it.

It had been quite troublesome cleaning up the blood, Tsukasa recalls. So now that he has a new mirror, he needs to make careful sure not to get carried away and break the mirror again in a moment of passion.

So when he wakes up groggy and heavy, like a weighted blanket is draped over him, he knows exactly what to do! This is a perfect time to test out his new mirror, as when he's this tired, there's no way he can accidentally break it. And, well, if posing gives him energy, then that's only another plus!

(Part of him just wants to continue sleeping. But that's silly. He can't be lazy. He can rest when he's done making everyone happy.)

So Tsukasa strolls to the mirror, but as he does, he accidentally kicks a box and yelps in pain before immediately slapping a hand over his mouth. He's being inconsiderate! Saki and his parents are probably enjoying their peace and quiet right now! He doesn't want to disturb them!

But... despite how someone would usually tell him to be quiet or ask if everything's okay, the house is still silent.

"Sorry!" Tsukasa tries, seeing if anyone will respond. Aside from the sound of his voice echoing off the walls, there's nothing.

A shiver crawls down Tsukasa's spine.

Are they... gone?

His father's probably at work, but where's Saki? His mother? Did they leave? Why didn't they tell him?

Did they simply not think to? Did they forget? But Saki is supposed to tell him whenever she goes somewhere, right? What if something happens?

Something tugs at the corner of his brain.

"Mom? Where were you? And where's Saki?"

Tsukasa squeezes his eyes shut. That was a long time ago. It doesn't matter now. The sole reason for that memory's existence is to help him play a wider variety of roles, nothing else.

But just in case, he texts Saki, asking where she is.

(It takes a minute for Saki to respond. It's the most suffocating minute of Tsukasa's life.)

>>I'm at Shiho-chan's house! Mom's going to pick me up later
>>You don't have to worry so much!

Tsukasa frowns. Of course he'll worry! That's what an older brother does!

>At least tell me when you're going somewhere!
>What if something happens?

>>Geez, onii-chan! Nothing's going to happen!
>>Besides, even if something does, Icchan and the others know where I am, so you don't have to worry!

...Right. Of course. Of course.

Saki spends much more time with her friends than she does with him nowadays. Of course she'd trust them more. Especially when Tsukasa has moments like these, where the cracks in his armor show.

Tsukasa closes his eyes and lets out a deep breath.

He's glad that she finally has people she can rely on.

Tsukasa's phone beeps again, startling him. He checks it, only to see another message from Saki.

>>You can loosen up a little. I'm okay now.

Loosen up... Yes. That makes sense. It's natural to feel relieved when someone is happy. It makes sense to smile along with them.

Tsukasa stares at the text for a little while longer before his phone turns off automatically, his reflection staring at him from the darkness of the glass.

He looks away.

That expression he's making—it's unacceptable.

The first step towards becoming a star is to smile.

So if Tsukasa can barely smile at his own sister's happiness, then he'll never become a star.

He walks to the mirror, the sound of his footsteps ringing in his ears, no matter how light and effortless he tries to make them. He wonders if it's just because his tired body is simply not responding to his commands, or if it's because he's simply focusing too much on the noise coming from his own being.

(He hopes it's the former.)

When Tsukasa places himself in front of the mirror, he flashes the smile that he always does during his morning warm ups. The expression lasts for a split second before it drops.

He tries again. His face shifts, but it looks more like a grimace than a smile. Again. Again. Again.

Why isn't he smiling?

He never has this problem when he's with other people, so why is being alone different? He should always be smiling, no matter what. He's a star, after all.

And yet...

Yet...

Gritting his teeth, Tsukasa stretches the corners of his mouth, trying to lift them into a smile. As soon as he lets go, they drop back down.

What is he doing? What's taking him so long to warm up? What kind of actor can't even smile when they try to? Doesn't he know that if anyone saw him like this, he'd become useless?

He can do better than this. He has to.

Tsukasa tries to smile again, facial muscles contorting. His eyes burn slightly as he does, so he simply rubs them.

What's wrong with him? When he smiles, he's not supposed to feel like his face is going to split in half. When he widens his eyes, he's not supposed to feel like he's inserting pins into them.

This is simply part of a morning routine. Since when was it so difficult do something so simple? Is he truly so useless? So incompetent?

Tsukasa is the exact type of person who should always be smiling. He's a star, after all. He can't be boring, lonely, depressed, pathetic.

Empty.

The sensation in his eyes starts to burn again. When he lifts his hand to erase the pain, he feels something wet, so he leans closer to the mirror.

Tears? Are those tears?

No, that's not right. That's not right at all.

"Why am I crying?" Tsukasa's ugly, raspy voice fills the silent house. "Why am I crying? I have no reason to. I'm the fortunate one. I'm the happy one. So why am I crying?"

He finds himself repeating the question the the mirror over and over again, growing louder at the lack of response.

"So you really are useless, huh?" Tsukasa asks bitterly. "You can't even smile, and when I make you try, you start crying. What kind of leader are you? Everyone expects better from you. You should at least be able to act fine. Rui was right. You could never become a star."

His face doesn't change.

"I just wish I could kill you, you know that? But it's like you're some kind of cockroach or something, because you can't seem to stay dead. And I hate bugs.

"Why can't you always be cheerful, huh? Why can't you always be a responsible, mature, caring, understanding, protective older brother, huh? If you're not that, then you're nothing but a burden. So why can't you just be that person everyone wants you to be for once in your life?

"It's because of you that I feel this way. All these ugly emotions, this anger, this sadness, this pain... You're the one who harbors it all. I never  asked for this. I just wanted to make Saki... make everyone smile. You're getting in the way. Can you imagine if they saw you like this? They'd worry. They'd waste their precious energy trying to cheer you up. T-That's why you'd be better off dead."

Despite his words, his face remains blank, tears refusing to disappear. Tsukasa feels his body start to tremble as he continues looking at the pathetic figure, anger slowly dissipating, leaving him with... something else.

"But I can't completely kill you. To perform any role, a star must understand all spectrum of emotions, even negative ones. And even if I'm not... Even if I can't ever reach that dream I strived towards, it's not your fault. It's not your fault that you've been burdened with trauma. But it's your fault that I feel this way.

"...Is what I would say if I were that pathetic excuse of a star... of a person from all those months ago. No, a star... I must be honest. I must take responsibility.

"I'm the one who could never become a star. I'm the one who burdens others. Because it's my fault that I can't handle all of this.

"I'm the one who's better off dead."

As the words echo through the empty house, Tsukasa feels his body start to tremble, a dark shadow covering his eyes.

What was that?

What the fuck was that, Tenma Tsukasa?

He remembers the sight of a little boy standing in this exact same place, pulling at his cheeks to make himself smile.

He remembers the same little boy passing by his reflection after getting out of bed, stomping his feet to fill the empty house with noise, clawing his eyes, trying to get the puffy redness surrounding them to disappear.

He remembers the little boy taping a picture of himself to the mirror, just to avoid looking at his own face.

He remembers why he lost his smile. He remembers how much of himself he had to sacrifice to regain it. He remembers how despite failing to make that person disappear over and over again, he kept trying. He remembers finally 'succeeding'.

But despite all his efforts, he's the same person from back then. He'll always be, whether he likes it or not. Even if he continues to reach towards that goal he dreamed of, he won't be able to grasp it. He never will, as he was born without the shine that stars have.

Tsukasa could never change himself so easily. It'd be simpler if he just died pretended he never felt this way at all.

Tsukasa tapes a piece of paper to the mirror and tries to smile. Finally, finally, it comes naturally.

He takes off the paper.

His eyes are empty.

His smile wavers.

He looks away.


Wonderlands x Showtime had planned to have a sleepover at Tsukasa's house. Even if they are technically coworkers and a semi-professional theater troupe, they're still also a bunch of teenagers who do teenage-y things sometimes. Like sleepovers.

Admittedly, Tsukasa had never had a sleepover, so he was quite sure what was supposed to happen at one, but he imagined it to be quite fun.

After an hour in, surrounded by snacks and wrappers, Tsukasa can only think of one thing.

It's a bit... plain, isn't it?

Now, of course he enjoys spending time with his friends like this. But compared to their usual meetings at work, the sleepover seems too normal. There's no NeneRobo, no Emu jumping off of roofs, no canons, though perhaps he should be grateful for the last one. It's just talking and snacks.

Maybe he's just... missing something. Whatever it is, though, it can't be that important. He's here now, he's feeling this way now, and that's all that matters.

But if the rest of his troupe feels differently, then he won't let his dissatisfaction rain on their parade. He turns back towards the group, tuning back in their conversation. They're playing some kind of 'truth' game.

When Tsukasa looks up at the others, they're turned to him, though they don't seem bothered enough to indicate that they've been in this position for too long. Really, it's a miracle that they haven't been paying attention to him throughout the entire time he'd been lost in his thoughts. That's just the luck of a star, he supposes!

"Is it my turn? Well then, give it all you've got!" Tsukasa exclaims.

Emu bounces up and down excitedly. "Got it!" she replies, grinning. "So! Tsukasa-kun! Who do you think's the most attractive person in the room?"

"Eh!? What kind of question is that!?" Tsukasa flushes red, turning his head to the ground. Don't look at Nene, don't look at Nene, don't look at Nene. "I can't answer that! That'd be way too embarrassing!"

Rui sighs in disappointment. "I never thought our leader would be such a coward."

"C-Coward!?" Tsukasa puts a hand to his chest in shock. "I'm not a coward!"

Nene's mouth twitches. "Then prove it."

"Hmph! And so I will!" Tsukasa huffs, glancing behind him. Nene is right there. If he were to point at the mirror, he wouldn't have to be embarrassed about looking at her directly and everyone would be able to get the point. A win-win situation!

And so Tsukasa confidently points at the mirror.

"Haah... of course an egotistical idiot like him would think that."

Tsukasa tilts his head in confusion, but doesn't say anything.

"Fufu. It is a very Tsukasa-kun thing to do." Rui agrees.

Emu smiles brightly. "I think it's great that he feels that way!"

Nene smirks. "I mean, self love is important."

At those words, Tsukasa feels something dull press at his ribs. It shouldn't mean anything, it shouldn't affect him at all. Yet...

It hurts.

Why does it hurt?

Someone else says something, at least Tsukasa thinks they do. He can't hear anything over the pounding of his heart.

Tsukasa looks at his hands, forcing himself to grip his knees to avoid hugging himself. That would definitely draw attention to him, if all the eyes in the room weren't on him already.

Are they looking at him?

He doesn't know at all.

Just in case they are, Tsukasa plasters on a smile, turning back to the rest of the group. If there are slight frowns rested on their faces, then he can't see them.


It's the middle of the night, a few days after the sleepover, and Tsukasa can't sleep.

For some reason, nights have been hard for him since the sleepover. The troupe's reaction to his response keeps playing over in his mind.

Why did they all seem to think he was talking about himself? Why did they not understand what he meant? It doesn't make sense.

He's forgetting something again, isn't he? But what is he forgetting? And why?

Why does he want to know?

If he doesn't remember, then it must not be important, right? 

But there's something, something there. Something that's so close, yet so far from his grasp.

That feeling, that feeling of being close enough to see, but not reach, Tsukasa hates it. It's more painful than there being nothing at all.

It's usually easier to erase than it is to gain. Trust, money, happiness. Why can't it be the same with memories as well?

But then again, those experiences shaped him, made him who he is. If he were to erase them completely then he'd be nothing, right?

Huh?

What is he talking about?

Does he want to remember? Does he not? Why does his head hurt so much?

That play he watched, as a child. That was what shaped him. Not those... useless memories.

Still, part of him craves that feeling, that feeling of knowing, of being in control of himself. If he can't get rid of those thoughts completely, then he'll have no choice but to embrace them fully.

So what had happened?

Saki had said something about her friends, something about how she could rely on them instead of him. That had made him feel... something.

Then a mirror. There was something about a mirror, wasn't there?

And his smile. Smile? Was he smiling at all...?

Standing in front of that mirror was... familiar, wasn't it?

Ah.

Ah.

There's no way he can sleep now.

He doesn't understand one bit. Every time he forgets something, he works so hard to remember again, only to hate what he does remember. Maybe it's Miku's fault. Miku is always begging him to remember, isn't she?

It's good sometimes, maybe. Like when he forgets something important, like a topic learned in class, he needs to work hard to remember. Or people will be mad.

But that's sometimes. Most of the time, his trauma is nothing but a hindrance, right? If he's sad, then others will be too. It's simple, so simple, and yet he can't seem to understand, chasing that same thing over and over again.

He wants to remember. But if he does, then they'll worry.

A monster burdened with trauma has no right to burden others.

That's why he always works hard. That's why he always practices and practices and practices until he can do things alone. Just because he doesn't practice alone, that doesn't mean he won't be alone during a performance.

And something like this, something like this is the practice. If that's the case, then everyone else is the audience.

He can't possibly ask the audience for help.

But will he be able to perfect everything in time?

There's an hour before he has to wake up for rehearsal. Tsukasa sighs. Even if he falls asleep right there and then, there's no way he'll be able to get a good rest.

Tsukasa finds himself burying his face in his pillow. He doesn't want to go, not yet. What's the point of it all? Everyone's happy as they are. He can... rest now, right? He promised himself a break, right? After all, his whole life, Tsukasa has been Tsukasa the actor. Tsukasa the future star. Tsukasa the always smiling one. Sometimes, he's tired of being that.

But at the same time, back then...

A boy sits in front of the mirror-

He doesn't think he could live with himself if he went back. Then again, things will never be the same now either, will they?

But what now?

Those memories, those emotions, he can't do anything with them. There's no role he has to practice for, no show to help him digest his feelings. Just... him.

It hurts, and he can't do anything with the pain.

So what is he supposed to do? Simply... live with it?

It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense at all.

-alone, drawing in his sketchbook-

Tsukasa thought he shouldn't be able to feel pain anymore.

He was wrong.

Sometimes, Tsukasa wonders if he'd be better off if he was never remembered.

But that's an impossible request. In the end, Tsukasa will always be remembered. He'll always be someone important to others. He'll always have to be...

-a brilliant shining star.

...

Tsukasa gets out of bed slowly. His legs are tembling, but he ignores it.

He's made his decision.

To the world, Tsukasa is Tsukasa the actor. Tsukasa the future star. Tsukasa the always smiling one. That's who he worked so hard to become.

And from now on, that's who he'll always be.

No one will love him otherwise.


The first thing Tsukasa thinks when he wakes up is, Why am I laying in front of the mirror?

The second thing he thinks is, Crap.

He forgot to set his alarm.

He was planning on doing it before he went to sleep, but it seems that his mind was preoccupied with...

...That's strange. He doesn't seem to remember. But, well, perhaps it was one of those things that seemed important at the time that really wasn't all that important.

There's only a bit longer before rehearsal, just long enough for Tsukasa to still be able to make it. At least, he thinks so. He knows so. If he really believes in himself, he can do anything.

Tsukasa doesn't have any time to do anything in the bathroom, so he simply changes clothes in his closet and prepares to leave. Before he does, he glances at the mirror but sees nothing outstanding, so he leaves quickly.

It's no time to focus on something as trivial as that anyway. He has to simply trust that he looks fine. A star always is fine, no matter the time of day.

Tsukasa manages to arrive at PXL right on time, and as he does, three heads turn towards him. Truly, cutting out half of one's morning routine can do wonders.

He's never letting it happen again.

"I'm here!" Tsukasa announces. The rest of the troupe continue staring at him, eyes wide. "Is everyone ready for rehearsal?"

A beat of silence passes. "We should be asking you that." Nene finally replies.

"Hm? Of course I am! When am I not except when I wasn't?" Tsukasa grins. "But I had a wonderful night's rest, so I'm feeling completely invigorated for today's practice."

Another silence. "Tsukasa-kun, you..." Emu bites her lip. "Hm..."

"Eh? Why are all you guys looking at me like that?"

The three others glance at each other. "I'm not sure if we can believe you." Rui finally says.

"What do you mean?"

"What we mean is that you look awful." Nene says bluntly. "Like a middle school Rui, almost."

"That's a bit harsh..." Rui's usually relaxed smile looks strained. "...but yes. He does look a bit like... me, doesn't he?"

Tsukasa opens his mouth. Closes it. Finally... "I'm still not sure what you mean."

Emu puts a hand to her chin, making a little "hm, hm" noise before Nene elbows her. "He's not going to get it if we try to break it to him gently." Tsukasa hears her whisper.

Emu frowns. "But Nene-chan... then how will we...?"

"Just tell him?"

"It's not quite that simple." Rui joins the conversation that everyone seems to think Tsukasa can't hear. "Tsukasa-kun... when he's like this, it takes a lot to break his shell. He'll be like the Tsukasa-kun we first met."

"...You've got a point." Nene puts a hand to her chin. "If he was only around one person, then do you think...?"

"Probably."

"Then let me handle it."

Rui raises an eyebrow before seeming to realize something. A smirk crawls onto his face. "There's a mirror in the storage room."

"The...? Oh, that place." Nene turns to Tsukasa. "Follow me."

Tsukasa tilts his head. "Huh? Alright."

Nene takes Tsukasa to the storage room, the singular lightbulb hanging from the ceiling barely illuminating the entire room when Nene closes the door. The light's still bright enough to reflect off of the large mirror resting against the wall, however, the glare shining right into Tsukasa's eyes.

He looks away.

"It sure is dusty in here, huh?" Tsukasa comments. "When was the last time we used this place?"

"I don't know. I think Rui's the only person who even remembered it existed." Nene replies a bit absentmindedly.

"Hm... So then why did you bring me here?"

"To show you what you look like."

Tsukasa pauses. Tilts his head. "I know what I look like."

"Do you?" Nene pushes Tsukasa in front of the mirror. "Because I don't think you do."

Tsukasa looks at the mirror questioningly. Nene has her hair tied up in a bun, but he isn't sure why she had to bring him to the mirror to show him that.

"So." Nene crosses her arms. "Notice anything?"

"Yes." Tsukasa responds immediately. "Looks good to me."

"...Look at me in the eyes and say that again."

Huh? A strange request. Yes, people tend to enjoy being complemented to their face, but Nene doesn't seem like the type of person to fish for compliments like this. But since she asked, there's no way he's refusing!

With a smile, Tsukasa turns towards Nene and looks directly into her eyes. "You look good. Fantastic, even."

Nene's face turns a brilliant crimson as she chokes on the breath she was taking. "Wha-" she manages to sputter out before looking away and fidgeting nervously. "I-I mean of course I do. I actually bothered to look presentable today, unlike you."

"Presentable? I..."

Nene pinches the bridge of her nose. "If you're going to say 'I do look presentable', don't bother. We all know you're lying."

Tsukasa thinks he can feel his lips curl into a light frown. "Am I?"

"I..." Nene falters. "...No. I'm not falling for that. Drop the act."

"What act?"

Nene's frown only grows deeper at that. After a brief pause, she steps to the side so that she's no longer visible in the mirror. "How about now? What do you see?"

"A robot." Tsukasa replies. "The one we were going to use for a show that ended up breaking."

A flash of confusion passes through Nene's face. She looks at Tsukasa's face intently. He looks intently back.

"...You're not lying." she says breathlessly. "You're... You're a terrible liar. You genuinely don't see-"

"See what?"

Nene ignores the question. "So a full length mirror is a no-go, huh...?" She chews her lip, eyes darting around before it lands on a box in the corner. She heads over to it, gesturing Tsukasa to follow. "There's a mirror somewhere there. Help me find it."

Tsukasa does without protest, digging out a small handheld mirror from the box. He hands it to Nene face down. "Here it is."

"You don't have to tell me that. Unlike you, I can see."

Nene flips the mirror and holds it up for Tsukasa, as if he can't do it himself, making sure it's close enough for his face to fill up the entire frame. Tsukasa stares unseeingly, vision blurring.

"Now let's try again." Nene says firmly. "Who do you see?"

"..." Tsukasa continues to look at the mirror blankly.

"Who do you see?"

"...A person." Not a star.

Nene clicks her tongue, clearly dissatisfied. "Uh huh. And how does that person look?"

Pathetic. Useless. Burdensome. Tsukasa turns his head away.

"Hey." Nene cups Tsukasa's chin, turning it with a surprising amount of force. It's the type of confidence that she has on stage, the type of confidence that makes a performer, more talented than he could ever be. "Look at the mirror. Try again."

Tsukasa does, wincing slightly. His face is blank. He's supposed to be the leader of a group of entertainers. There's no way Nene could see him as one now. "Not smiling."

Nene raises an eyebrow. "Not what I asked."

"...Bad."

"Yeah. Pretty bad." Nene says bluntly. "Looks like you just rolled out of bed after sleeping for five minutes."

"No, it's not..." Tsukasa hesitates. Bad move. Nene had created a perfect excuse for him, and he threw it away. Even if she would've made fun of him, it's better than her learning the truth.

"Uh." Nene blinks, biting her lip. "I mean... If that's not it, then—and don't take this the wrong way—do you just not like the way you look?"

Tsukasa blinks. Another convenient excuse, although one that he's hesitant to use. What kind of star would think of themselves so lowly?

...Though he supposes he isn't exactly a star, considering he can barely smile.

So he finds himself shrugging. "Maybe a little."

"Oh. Oh. Shit." Nene seems to grow more panicked and Tsukasa's heart sinks. "I don't know how to really deal with something like this, but if it makes you feel any better... You're an attractive person. Objectively. Your face is symmetrical and you're always well groomed... aside from today.

"Your hair always looks really soft and well maintained and the way it fades into a different color is really mesmerizing. Your eyes are a nice honey color, pleasant to the eyes, and whenever they light up, you look like a child discovering something for the first time. That... That was meant as a compliment, by the way.

"Your l-lips look soft too. I guess that's because you always stay hydrated, but I'm sure if I were to kiss you, it'd be enjoyable. Not that I want to! Stop blushing!" Despite her words, Nene's face is also a bright red. "You're distracting me from coming up with more of your attractive features! ...I mean your cheeks are nice and round. Smooth. Soft-looking. Sometimes when you're flustered, like right now, they turn red and it's kind of... cu... You get the idea!

"I guess with the way you look in general... It makes me feel warm. If that sounds weird, don't tell me. I don't want to hear it. But... I hope it at least helps to know that even if you don't like how you look, I do."

"Warm...?" Tsukasa asks slowly. "Like a happy warm? The kind that makes you smile?"

"I mean, yeah, I guess so. I smile when you smile." Nene furrows her eyebrows. "Smile genuinely, at least. Not when you give one of those obnoxious exaggerated smiles."

"What do you mean? A smile is a smile."

"Like when you grin widely and your eyebrows shoot up and make you look constantly angry."

Tsukasa brings his hand to his mouth, trailing the tips of fingers over his lips. "Angry."

"Yeah. Otherwise... your smile looks pretty nice, I'd say." Nene coughs quickly. "Like all smiles, of course."

"My smile... looks nice."

"Are you just going to repeat what I say all day?"

Tsukasa doesn't hear her clearly, biting the tip of his fingers. "How about if I'm not smiling?" he blurts out, voice coming out slightly desperate. And he thought he couldn't become any more pathetic. "What do you do if I'm not smiling?"

"Well, I'm part of Wonderlands x Showtime, right?" Nene shrugs. "I'll just have to make you."

He knew it.

He's just a burden after all.

If he was simply better, then they wouldn't be having this talk at all. The troupe would see him as a strong leader, someone capable of becoming a star. They wouldn't be wasting their energy on someone like him, someone who can take care of himself, someone who's supposed to take care of himself. They would be able to spend their time making others smile instead, others who are more worthy of their dedication.

Someone not like Tsukasa.

He wonders if they'd be happier if he didn't exist in the first place. He wonders if he can pretend that he never did.

"...Is what I'd say if I was Emu." Nene interrupts Tsukasa's train of thought before it can grow too dangerous. "Not smiling is a normal thing to do. I don't smile all the time. I like it when your face isn't glued to one expression. Makes you seem more human."

Human.

That's what he is, isn't it?

So that was what it was the entire time.

Tsukasa rests a hand to his chest, feeling his heartbeat growing more erratic. He takes a deep breath to calm himself before dropping his hands to his sides and nodding firmly. "I see." he whispers.

"Do you?"

"Yes."

"Then let's try this again." Nene holds up the mirror. "Who do you see?"

Don't look away.

"Myself. Tenma Tsukasa."

Even if you can barely recognize that person anymore, don't you dare look away.

"And how does he look?"

Those emotions that have been warped in your funhouse mirror, what were they? All of them? None of them at all?

Don't look away.

What feeling do you want always cling onto? What feeling do you want to take away from this? When you think of that person, 'Tenma Tsukasa', what do you see?

Don't look away.

When he was a person, when he was selfish, stupid, and useless, what else was he? What was he that you aren't, that you can never be?

"Happy."

Nene nods, eyes softening. "Yeah. I think you passed."

Tsukasa closes his eyes lightly, letting out a relieved sigh. His hand travels to his chest instinctively, feeling his heartbeat slowly settle down to 88 beats per minute.

He passed.

He passed.

Nene thinks he looks happy. She's smiling at it. Despite all of that person's flaws, she's smiling.

No one will love him if he's not who they want him to be.

But if this side of him is what Nene wants to see, then maybe it's okay to keep it?

After all, he could never change himself so easily.

Tsukasa opens his eyes again, feeling himself relax as Nene puts a hand on his shoulder. "Come on," she says softly, "let's go. Everyone's waiting."

"...Yeah." Tsukasa smiles. "Yeah."

Nene turns around and opens the door to the storage room, a brighter light flooding in. When the light hits the mirror, illuminating the features of one Tenma Tsukasa, his eyes linger on the image for a bit longer before he looks away, turning back to someone more important.

Nene steps outside, and Tsukasa finds himself reaching a hand out, mouth moving before he can even think.

"Nene."

Nene glances back. "What?"

Tsukasa opens his mouth, but the words he wants to say continue to sit heavily on his tongue. Thank you. Why is it so hard to say? He's said it multiple times before.

But... maybe it's because Nene did this without expecting a thanks. Or the way a simple thank you doesn't feel good enough. Either way, Tsukasa finds himself saying something completely different.

"Your lips look soft too."

Notes:

If you find any grammatical errors, please please notify me so I don't die inside if I reread this. Thank you!

Not currently betaed