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Hyunjin wanders through the city, down the same dirty streets, past the same careworn buildings he's been haunting for years. Technically he could go anywhere he wants, but there's a comfort in familiarity. He likes to watch the same people as they go about their lives, getting slowly older year by year, gleaning what he can from their habits, their faces.
It's like window shopping; he can look but he's been shut out, left outside in the cold to peer in at the warm, happy people inside.
He has a lot of time for maudlin thoughts these days.
Shaking himself, he spots the little bistro he's been looking for. The Yellow Wood. Changbin doesn't always go there for lunch but he often does, and as Hyunjin steps inside he feels a vague, alien curl of pleasure at the sight of a familiar head of curly black hair.
"Changbinnie," Hyunjin says, draping himself over Changbin's shoulders and nuzzling his cheek. "I missed you. Have you ordered yet?"
Changbin turns the menu over, frowning down at it with the cutest little pout on his face. Hyunjin wants to kiss it off, but he refrains; even if Changbin would never know, Hyunjin would know, and somewhere in his shriveled black heart he'd feel bad.
Instead, Hyunjin follows Changbin's finger on the menu. He's looking at salads.
"Binnie, no," Hyunjin says, leaning harder into his side and still making no impact. "Don't eat that. It's gross. Don't you want some meat?"
Changbin hesitates before flipping the page quickly, like he's just going to glance at it before returning to his salads. But he gets stuck on a glossy, almost bloody photo of beef.
"Yes," Hyunjin whispers in his ear. Changbin bites his lip, unable to look away. "You want it," Hyunjin says. "You should get it. Think about how juicy it's gonna taste."
"He's on a diet," an unfamiliar and startlingly deep voice says. Hyunjin jolts, looking around wildly as if someone had just addressed him. But that would be preposterous. No one can see him. He's just being jumpy; Jisung would point and laugh at him (as if Jisung weren't even jumpier).
He's about to turn back to Changbin when he finally notices the dude standing literally right there at Changbin's other shoulder. Hyunjin freezes, his heart beating furiously as the stranger stares straight back at him.
That's not even the worst part.
This stranger has wings.
"Angel," Hyunjin growls. Or tries to. It comes out sounding slightly more like a wheeze.
"Get the salad," the angel says to Changbin. He doesn't take his eyes off Hyunjin. Hyunjin squirms, caught like a worm on a hook. It doesn't help that this angel is fucking gorgeous, of course, as all angels are. Long blond hair, bright blue eyes, and freckles. Since when do angels have freckles?
"Don't get the salad," Hyunjin says. "You hate salad. Get the beef. How are you going to grow up big and strong if you only eat salad?"
"Salads are healthy," the angel says. "They make you feel clean."
"Yeah, clean and weak," Hyunjin says. Between them, Changbin has his fingers pinched around his brow bone, his eyes glued to the menu with painful focus. "Your muscles will atrophy," Hyunjin says, quieter, ignoring the angel to rub his hands gently over Changbin's arms, his shoulders. He's been watching Changbin struggle to gain muscle for years. He's still a small guy, but he's been filling out, slowly but surely. "Grow big and healthy," Hyunjin says. "I know you can."
He's aware of the angel staring at him, but he doesn't let himself look, and the angel doesn't say anything further. When the waitress comes, Changbin orders the steak.
Pleased, Hyunjin hugs Changbin and gives the angel a wary look over his shoulder. The angel looks steadily back at him, and then is gone.
-
Hyunjin lets himself into Jeongin's apartment sometime later. He won't admit it to himself, but he's feeling a little rattled. When he finds Jeongin lying in his bed, awake but staring at the ceiling, Hyunjin squeezes in between him and the wall and tucks himself close to Jeongin's warmth. He closes his eyes with a sigh.
"He has essays to write," says a disturbingly familiar voice.
Hyunjin's eyes pop open. Sure enough, standing right there at the side of the bed is the angel from earlier.
"Are you following me?" Hyunjin demands. When the angel only stares back at him, Hyunjin groans and throws an arm over Jeongin's waist. "Essays are stupid. Let's just lie here and relax."
"To you, maybe," the angel says. "He's in college. If he doesn't do these essays, he'll fail his classes. It'll affect his entire future."
Hyunjin doesn't have anything to say to that. When Jeongin heaves himself out of bed with a groan, Hyunjin doesn't try to stop him.
The angel is still there after Jeongin leaves the room. His white wings brush the floor.
Hyunjin's feathers twitch. A phantom pain.
Hyunjin doesn't have feathers anymore.
"Leave me alone," Hyunjin says, rolling to face the wall.
"I'd be a pretty shit angel if I let you just wander around freely, wouldn't I?" the angel says.
"I'm gonna tell your boss you said 'shit,'" Hyunjin says.
"Go ahead," says the angel. "I'd love to see you try."
Hyunjin grinds his teeth, then pops up from the bed. But of course the angel is gone.
"Fucking coward!" Hyunjin shouts.
No one answers.
-
"Well, well, well," Minho says, leaning back against the rock ledge of the sulfur pool Hyunjin found him in. The steam wafts around them, hot and stinging. "Haven't seen hide nor tail of you in, what, fifty years?"
"At least sixty," Jisung says, sitting on the edge in a fluffy bathrobe and dipping only his toes in the water.
"Yeah, well," Hyunjin says. And leaves it at that. He doesn't need a reason to dislike Hell. "There's an angel tailing me. Thought I'd pay you a visit while trying to shake him off."
Minho chortles. "Good fuckin' luck! Angels are like burrs. Once they're stuck on you, they ain't coming off."
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Jisung says, poking Minho in the shoulder with his toes. Minho smiles up at him.
"You're the cutest little leech I ever did see," Minho says. Jisung smiles back at him. Hyunjin dry heaves.
"You two are awful, why did I come here?"
"Beats me," says Minho.
"Maybe I'd know him," Jisung says, looking away from Minho with great reluctance. "What does he look like?"
"Same as the rest of you," Hyunjin says, a statement of such factual inaccuracy on so many levels Hyunjin feels he deserves a special condemnation from the boss below.
"What, black-haired and wingless?" Jisung says.
"No, the old you-you," Hyunjin says patiently.
"Oh," Jisung says with fake understanding. "You mean the you I haven't been in nearly a century?"
"Small peas," Minho says. "You'll always be my angel."
Cue the two of them making sappy faces at each other again.
"Gross," Hyunjin says. "Can you just, not? Just not do that? In my presence? Thanks."
Rolling his eyes, Jisung slides out of his robe and into the pool only to swim to the edge and splash water at Hyunjin. "Just tell me what he looks like before I rescind my generous offer."
"Ugh! I don't know." Hyunjin scoots farther away, brushing water droplets off his coat. "Blond. Blue-eyed." The angel's face surfaces in his mind's eye against his will. Hyunjin shivers. "Freckles. Intense stare." Lips lovingly sculpted by Aphrodite herself.
He doesn't say that part.
"Wait, freckles? Is he about my size?" Jisung props himself up with his elbows on the ledge, his voice suddenly louder than before.
"Yeah, I guess," Hyunjin says.
"Cute face, deep voice?"
"Yeah. You know him?"
Jisung bobs up and down and makes an unidentifiable noise. "That's Felix! Felix is tailing you? Oh my g- oh my Satan!"
"Is that... good?" Hyunjin asks.
"I want to see him," Jisung whines. "Why's he tailing you? He should tail me instead."
"Come with me and maybe he will," Hyunjin says.
"What do you need an angel for, angel?" Minho says, tugging Jisung back against him.
"I think this is my cue to leave," Hyunjin whispers.
-
Just as Minho promised, Hyunjin sees the angel- Felix- just about everywhere he goes over the following weeks. However Felix is tracking him, it's beyond Hyunjin's abilities to thwart. And while Hyunjin doesn't have to linger in the mortal realm, it's more his home than Hell ever was or will be and he won't let some stuck-up angel scare him away.
Not that Felix appears to be very stuck-up. To Hyunjin's surprise, Changbin isn't the only mortal Felix concedes over. In fact they've been averaging a pretty even fifty-fifty split.
I'm not evil, Hyunjin wants to tell the thoughtful look in Felix's eye. I just Fell.
But that's not a conversation he wants to have with an angel, or anyone, for that matter. And it amuses him to keep Felix on his toes.
Maybe next time he'll Tempt a mortal into doing something so Good Felix will have an aneurism.
"Channie," Hyunjin whines, grabbing the back of Chan's chair and trying to shake him, to no effect. "You've been sat here for hours. Take a break! The world won't end without you, I promise."
"Five more minutes," Chan mutters, eyes bloodshot. "There's just something missing..."
"Christopher," Felix says at Chan's other side. Then he leans in close and whispers, "Take a break."
"Put the mouse down," Hyunjin whispers.
"Turn off the computer."
"Stretch your legs before they fall off."
"Eat some food."
"Drink some water-"
"OKAY!" Chan exclaims, pushing back from the desk so suddenly Hyunjin has to stumble out of the way. He's not exactly corporeal, but he still doesn't like it when objects push through his body. "Okay, I'm taking a break." Groaning, Chan stretches and stands up. He doesn't turn his computer off, but he does walk away into the kitchen.
Hyunjin catches Felix's eye and snorts out a laugh before he can stop himself. Shit. He's not supposed to fraternize with the enemy.
It's not actually a rule. Hyunjin can do whatever he wants. But he's borne a grudge against angels for centuries and he's not about to let one pretty boy ruin that.
Even if he does have the fucking cutest smile Hyunjin has ever seen.
"Don't smile at me," Hyunjin grumbles.
"Then don't smile back," Felix says.
-
"Get the chocolate," Hyunjin says, leaning over Changbin's shoulder as he stares into the dessert case.
"Cake will not make him strong or healthy," Felix says sternly at his other shoulder. "Just get the coffee and go."
"Cake is delicious," Hyunjin counters. "It'll make him happy and put a pep in his step for the rest of the day. Look, he's already doing his happy wiggle just thinking about it." It's true.
Felix tries to frown, but Changbin is being too cute. "It's bad for his teeth," he says. "And it's fattening."
"So?" Hyunjin says. "He'll brush his teeth and he works out. He's allowed to have treats. Everyone is allowed to eat what makes them happy. Just because you can't taste how delicious it is doesn't mean everyone else is forbidden from having nice things."
Felix crosses his arms, a sure sign he's going to let Hyunjin win even though he's mad about it.
"Get the cake," Hyunjin whispers to Changbin. Changbin bites his lip, hesitating a moment longer before stepping up to the counter and ordering a slice of cake with his coffee.
As they watch Changbin head over to a table, Hyunjin says, "Your humans aren't going to live very happy or fulfilling lives if you only tell them to abstain from everything. This isn't the dark ages anymore. Asceticism is out, self care is in."
Felix... is he pouting? Hyunjin stares a minute too long before turning his head to watch Changbin's smile as he receives his cake.
"I'm only trying to keep them healthy," Felix says, his tone far more petulant than Hyunjin's ever heard it.
"So tell him to order fruit instead. Introduce him to smoothies. Or cultivate a snobbish taste for only the finest, purest dark chocolate without all the extra additives. Work with humanity, not against it."
Felix tilts his head, smiling crookedly. "What would your boss think if he saw you giving an angel good advice?"
Hyunjin scoffs. "My boss doesn't give a rat's ass what I'm doing. The perks of a non-standardized workplace."
Felix snorts. "Sure."
-
"Help me," Hyunjin whines to Seungmin a few days later. "I can't get rid of him and he keeps- fucking- smiling at me and he's really cute, fuck, what am I supposed to do?"
Seungmin watches in approval as his human dumps vegetable oil all over the steps of his school. "I would think that's pretty obvious, isn't it?" he says.
"If it was obvious would I be here asking you?" Hyunjin says.
"Just Tempt him or something!" Seungmin says. "What's your crisis? He's handing you an easy win and you claim you don't know what to do?"
Groaning, Hyunjin shoves his hands into his hair and walks away. Fucking Seungmin.
"Look," Seungmin says, following him. "I know you're doing that weird celibacy thing so if you need instructions-"
"No I don't need instructions," Hyunjin says. "I'm not celibate, you all are just losers. I just... Nevermind. Pretend we never had this conversation." They're both silent for a minute until Hyunjin bursts out with, "And it's hardly an easy win, he's just smiling not, like, propositioning me or anything."
Seungmin laughs. "Sure. But he likes you, at least a little, and he shouldn't. Easy win. You could knock him down like dominos if you'd stop crying about it and just do your job."
Sighing, Hyunjin kicks a rock in his path and spins around, as if spinning his body will help the spinning in his mind.
It doesn't.
Dizzy, Hyunjin sits down on a bench and stretches his legs out in front of him. "What if I don't want him to Fall?" he asks, voice quiet.
"What was that?" Seungmin says.
"Nothing," Hyunjin says.
-
"It's Saturday," Hyunjin says. "He doesn't have to turn anything in until Monday. We're sleeping in."
"Is it really sleeping in if you're just lying there being lazy?"
"You're just jealous," Hyunjin says, happily cuddled up against Jeongin's side and mildly confident Felix isn't going to succeed at getting them to move.
"Maybe I am," Felix says. Hyunjin raises his eyebrows. He wasn't expecting that one. Felix gestures at them, lying together in bed while Jeongin plays games on his phone. "You're so comfortable with them. But they don't even know you're there. Isn't that... weird?"
Hyunjin observes Felix, sitting a little stiffly at the edge of the bed. He's always a little rigid, a little removed; Hyunjin just assumed all angels were like that. Afraid of dirtying themselves, or something. It's been so long since Hyunjin was an angel, he doesn't remember what he was like around humans.
"It's a little weird," Hyunjin allows, "but it's..." all I've got. "I don't do anything weird, I'm just..." lonely.
"Isn't it... lonely?"
Hyunjin blinks, startled to hear his thoughts echoed. Can angels read his mind? He should have been more careful. He's not a mortal but that doesn't mean he's safe from whatever angelic powers Felix possesses.
"I mean," Felix continues, "if you hug them, but they don't hug back... isn't that lonely?"
"Well," Hyunjin says, "sure. But so is getting no hugs at all."
Felix looks at him, but his gaze is distant. "Yeah," is all he says.
-
"Do you regret it?" Hyunjin asks, lying across Minho and Jisung's couch and pushing Minho away with his feet anytime he gets close.
"Regret what?" Jisung says, not looking up from his game.
"Falling for this..."
"This what?" Minho asks, voice carefully pleasant in the way that spells danger.
"This excellent and very handsome fallen angel," Hyunjin says. Minho smiles at him, shoving his batting feet aside so he can sit down.
Snorting, Jisung pauses his game to turn and look at them. "Are you kidding? No, I don't regret it. Not for a second."
"You'd better not," Minho says, but he's smiling.
"Is this about Felix?" Jisung asks. "How is he? You should bring him with you next time."
Hyunjin's eyebrows shoot up. "To Hell?"
Jisung shrugs. "Why not? He'll have to come eventually."
"Uh," Hyunjin says, "No?"
Jisung pouts. "You're hogging my best friend? My twin? I haven't seen him in ages, literal ages."
"Then do some Evil in front of him and I'm sure you'll catch his attention."
While Jisung's frowning at Hyunjin, Minho says, "Felix hasn't Fallen yet, Sungie."
"Oh," says Jisung. Then, "Why not?"
Hyunjin opens his mouth, but Minho answers for him: "Because Hyunjin is a coward."
"I'm not!" Hyunjin says. "I just... I don't want to be responsible for someone else to Fall. Okay? Is that so bad? Why does everyone just assume I'm going to make him Fall in the first place? He follows me around so he can stop me, not to hang out!" Except for the times he doesn't stop Hyunjin, and they do sort of hang out. He doesn't mention that part.
"Maybe that's what he thinks he's doing," Jisung says, "but angels are warned to stay away from us. In fact it's in the rules- I never remembered which number that was- that's probably why I Fell- but he knows he's doing something risky. And he's doing it anyway. He's well on the way to Falling already, my friend."
"And that... you're happy about that?" Hyunjin asks.
"Why shouldn't I be?" Jisung says. "I miss him." He leans back against Minho, casually, and Minho cards his fingers through Jisung's hair.
And Hyunjin realizes neither of them will ever understand his perspective. They've had each other for so long, they probably don't even remember what it was like to be alone, and afraid of Falling.
Not that Hyunjin had been afraid of Falling. He'd been overconfident, if anything. He'd been a good angel, stayed away from the Fallen, never desired anything more than what he had.
Until he did. Until another angel held his face in their hands, and Hyunjin thought, what if?
And before he could blink his wings were blackening and burning off, a pain so agonizing just the memory of it sends uncomfortable shivers down his spine. And then he was falling, and falling, and falling...
He leaves Hell, unable to bear looking at the lovebirds another second, and finds a human's unoccupied bed to sleep in.
If he's not at risk of Tempting a mortal, Felix has no reason to come find him.
He does anyway.
"Are you haunting me?" Hyunjin snaps, raw and sensitive and wanting nothing more than to just be alone.
Felix's eyes are wide and a little startled. Good. Hyunjin sits up, his limbs buzzing with pent up frustration.
"I didn't realize you were alone," Felix says, both hands up in front of him in a gesture of surrender. "I just felt you come back so-"
"So?" Hyunjin fists the sheets in his hands. "Why can't you just leave me alone?"
Felix takes a step back. Hyunjin keeps glaring at him and his eyes are burning, burning with hate, burning with malice, the way they should have been the very first time they crossed paths.
"I'm sorry," Felix says.
Then he's gone.
And Hyunjin's eyes are still burning, but instead of Hellfire it's tears that come pouring out of them.
-
Hyunjin doesn't see Felix after that. He Tempts a few humans, increasingly daring Temptations he wouldn't usually bother trying, but still Felix doesn't show up.
Then he mopes for a while. He's not actually required to Tempt mortals. He doesn't have any quotas to fill or anyone to answer to. It's just something to do to pass the time. It gives a semblance of structure to his unstructured existence. Without it, he just kind of... drifts. He doesn't need to eat or sleep. Time starts to blur together. Ages could pass in this fashion and Hyunjin would barely notice.
It scares him. What if he missed his humans growing up? What if sanctimonious angels like Felix (who is, in fact, the least sanctimonious angel Hyunjin has ever known) get Changbin to diet himself back down to scrawny misery? What if Chan never leaves his computer and just fuses into his chair?
The thought is enough to get Hyunjin moving. He finds Chan, as expected, sat at his desk, clicking away at his computer and looking as tired and haggard as he always does.
"Channie," Hyunjin sighs, kneeling next to his chair and butting his forehead into Chan's shoulder. "Please take a break. I know your work is suuuuper important but no one is going to do it if you drop dead."
Chan doesn't respond. Hyunjin doesn't expect him to. But he's still disappointed.
"Chaaaannie," Hyunjin whines. "I promise it will still be here when you get back. Just, like... take a walk around the building or something. Have a snack. Anything."
Hyunjin watches Chan continue working, the light from the computer illuminating the heavy bags under his eyes.
"What, you won't listen to me anymore?" Hyunjin says. "Only Felix?" Chan winces and rotates his shoulder but doesn't stop working. "Don't make me do this, Chan," Hyunjin says. "Just get up and no one gets hurt."
Chan ignores him.
Hyunjin takes a deep breath, then yells at the top of his lungs: "FELIX!"
He's half expecting Felix to ignore him, too. But almost as soon as the name leaves his lips, Felix is there, looking rather ruffled and wide-eyed.
"Chan won't take a break," Hyunjin says, petulantly, like a child tattling on another to the teacher.
Felix's eyes fall on Chan and they soften. Hyunjin pretends he doesn't feel any sort of way about that. But he's already pretending just having Felix in front of him again doesn't make his heart race and his head get light, his chest aching even though there's nothing even in there to ache.
"Christopher Bang," Felix says sternly, putting his hands on Chan's shoulders. Chan jolts slightly, pausing what he was doing. Hyunjin's surprised, too; he's never seen Felix touch a human before. "How would your mother feel if you worked yourself into an early grave?"
Hyunjin sits back, eyebrows raised. It's a tactic he wasn't expecting from Felix, but it works; Chan sighs heavily and pushes back from the desk, rubbing his eyes. After he leaves the room, Hyunjin says, "I should have tried the guilt angle. I forget how powerful it is."
"Someone showed me I should think about what actually matters in human lives," Felix says.
Hyunjin purses his lips. Figures Felix would be an over-achiever.
"How did you know my name?" Felix adds when Hyunjin doesn't respond.
"Oh," Hyunjin says. "Ah. Jisung told me."
Felix's eyes widen. "You know Jisung?"
"Yeah?" Hyunjin winces a little. Maybe he should have lied.
"How... how is he?" Felix asks.
Hyunjin studies Felix's expression. He doesn't look upset or disgusted- whatever Hyunjin imagined an angel would look like when being reminded of one of the Fallen. One they had known. If anything, he looks... wistful.
"He's good," Hyunjin says carefully. "Just as disgustingly in love as he was a hundred years ago."
Felix smiles and Hyunjin pretends it doesn't do anything to him. "That's good to hear," Felix says. "And... Minho? He's treating him well?"
"Minho would move the sun and the stars if Jisung said they were obstructing his view," Hyunjin says, and Felix laughs.
Hyunjin's never heard Felix laugh before. It's beautiful; it's terrifying.
Are angels even allowed to laugh? Apparently so, because Felix's wings remain pristine and white and definitely attached to his body.
The look Felix fixes on him next scares him just as much as his laughter had; angels aren't supposed to look at him like that.
"You never told me your name," Felix says.
"You never asked," Hyunjin returns.
Felix smiles, brief but lovely. "I'm asking now."
"You shouldn't," Hyunjin says. When Felix just keeps looking at him, Hyunjin says, "It's Hyunjin."
Felix smiles, brighter than before. "Hyunjin," he says, and the sound of his name in that deep voice, the voice he's come to favor above all others, would be enough to stop his heart if he had one.
But he doesn't.
He can feel it racing, beating hard and painful in his chest but it's not real, it's just an illusion, like the phantom pain of his wings, weighing heavy and restless on his back.
-
Felix is following him around again. Of course he is. And Hyunjin loves it, and Hyunjin hates it.
It's not the same as before. He doesn't appear just when Hyunjin is about to Tempt someone. Sometimes he'll appear across the street and coyly wait for Hyunjin to cross over to him. They might walk, or find somewhere to sit and watch other people out walking. Sometimes they go days without interfering with each other, or with mortals.
Other days Felix thwarts him at every turn. "Don't fall asleep at the wheel," "Take that candy out of your pocket and put it back on the shelf or pay for it first," "Don't push your boss into traffic."
And if Hyunjin giggles when Felix sighs and rolls his eyes, knowing full well that Hyunjin's only doing it to mess with him, well, Hyunjin is evil after all.
"You're not evil," Felix says when Hyunjin tries this excuse. "You're just a brat."
"I've realized why you're always down here instead of up there," Hyunjin says. "The minute you set foot in That Place they'll have to kick you out for all the blasphemous things you've said about me."
"What, that you aren't evil or that you're a brat?" Felix asks with a smirk.
"Both," Hyunjin sniffs.
-
"Have you watched Good Omens?" Felix asks him one day.
"Are you asking if I've watched a human TV show?" Hyunjin says.
Felix rolls his eyes. "And here I thought I was the out of touch one. It's about an angel and a demon who become friends. A lot like some people I know."
Hyunjin bites his lip, stomach suddenly rolling. "And...? What happens to them?" Felix starts in about the plot but Hyunjin waves a hand to stop him. "I mean... they get punished, don't they?"
Felix meets his eyes, giving him that look that Hyunjin knows, deep in his bones, is enough to get Felix fired.
Literally.
"They- I shouldn't spoil it. You should watch it, it's really good!" When Hyunjin remains skeptical, Felix says, "They outsmart their respective realms. And they save the day. Come on, you have to watch it."
And before Hyunjin knows what's happening, Felix has grabbed his wrist and teleported them to someone's house.
Hyunjin stumbles onto the couch, staring at his wrist and waiting to burst into flames or something. But his skin isn't smoking, and it doesn't hurt, and Felix is also in one piece, puttering around a big TV and returning with a remote in his hands. His hands which are just as small and perfect and unmarred as ever.
Then he sits next to Hyunjin, his wings awkwardly jammed in behind him. Hyunjin reaches out, itching to fix them, but stops himself before he can make contact. Just because Felix can apparently touch him without consequence, doesn't mean the same holds true for Hyunjin.
And the thought of him, one of the damned, putting his unworthy hands on an angel's wings- on Felix's wings- is a level of profane intimacy Hyunjin isn't ready to sink to just yet.
So they watch the first episode. And then the second. And they don't stop until it's over.
And somewhere in the middle Felix stretches his arm out across the back of the couch. And then a little later his arm is resting along Hyunjin's shoulders. And then somehow Hyunjin's head is on Felix's shoulder.
And somehow neither of them turn to ash.
When the credit music plays, Hyunjin takes a deep breath and realizes he's crying. He's not sure when he started. It's not loud crying. It's not dramatic crying. But the tears running down his face don't stop. In fact, as Felix squeezes his shoulder and turns to him, beaming and excited, for his opinion on the show, the tears come so fast Hyunjin chokes.
"Hyunjin!" Felix exclaims, immediately reaching for his face. Hyunjin bats his hands away and stands up, puts some distance between them. He's making embarrassing little weeping noises and getting all snotty; why does his body even know how to produce snot?
"Hyunjin," Felix repeats, and then he's right there, even though Hyunjin turned away, even though Hyunjin left his warm, snug spot at Felix's side. Felix is touching him, trying to pull his hands down from where they'd gone up to cover his face. Hyunjin wrenches back, out of his grasp, and takes a few more stumbling steps away from him.
"No," Hyunjin moans through his tears, not even sure what he's saying no to, not sure of anything anymore. "You shouldn't touch me," he says, a little stronger.
"Hyunjin, look at me," Felix says, and he's there again touching Hyunjin and existing and it's just too much.
"No!" Hyunjin says, breaking away again. "You shouldn't touch me. You shouldn't- you shouldn't be here."
"Why?" Felix asks, keeping his distance this time. Hyunjin tries to breathe deeply, tries to think, tries to calm down, but he's trapped and everything is spinning too fast. He's falling, he's Falling, he's falling, but this time Felix catches him and helps him gently to the ground.
"No," Hyunjin sobs. "You- I'll- you'll Fall. You'll Fall and it'll be all my fault- my fault-"
"Hyunjin," Felix says, running soothing hands over Hyunjin's arms, his shoulders, squeezing gently right where his neck and his shoulder meet. Hyunjin takes in a deep, shuddering breath.
"I don't want you to Fall," he says, voice so soft even he barely hears it.
"Why not?" Felix asks, and now he's wiping the tears from Hyunjin's face with his thumbs, and cupping his face so gently in his hands, and it doesn't remind Hyunjin of anything but he's weeping harder anyway.
"I don't want you to Fall," he repeats, more of a wail than words, and then Felix is pulling him closer and then Felix is hugging him, and Hyunjin is weeping, and weeping, and weeping.
"Oh, Hyunjin," Felix murmurs into his hair. "It's not your fault. I was going to Fall eventually anyway. We all do, you know? How could we not?" He rubs Hyunjin's back, and holds him close, and says, "How could I not Fall, when I know you're out there waiting for me?"
Hyunjin cries harder, clinging to Felix's thick robes, the faint brush of feathers against his knuckles.
Feathers.
Hyunjin's eyes pop open and he takes his face out of Felix's chest, looks over his shoulder; there are Felix's wings, big and white, dragging along the ground. Even in the dirt they'd bear no stain, only... only the edges are turning black.
"No," Hyunjin whispers.
"It's okay," Felix says, holding him tighter.
"No," Hyunjin cries.
"It's okay," Felix repeats, as the blackness spreads up his wings, as his feathers shrivel and fall off. Hyunjin watches through his tears, unable to look away, crushing Felix to his chest and shaking with sobs as he watches Felix's wings burn off and turn to ash.
When it's over Hyunjin puts his head down on Felix's shoulder and cries miserable, painful tears, and Felix holds him, and murmurs comforting things, and it's all so backwards that Hyunjin laughs a little in between his sobs.
"Why are you comforting me?" Hyunjin manages, throat hoarse.
"Because I want to," Felix says.
And Hyunjin has nothing to say to that.
-
Later, after Hyunjin's calmed down and cleaned himself up, Felix leads him into the bedroom to lie down.
Felix looks so much smaller without his wings. He was always shorter than Hyunjin but his wings had given him an illusion of bigness, like an animal fluffing all its fur up to intimidate foes.
Now, when he lies down next to Hyunjin, Hyunjin can wrap his arms all the way around him, and hold his small body close against his own, and feel his warmth, and the beating of his not-heart. The hair brushing his face isn't feathers but it tickles all the same.
"I like this," Felix says, eyes closed and body completely boneless in Hyunjin's arms.
Hyunjin swallows thickly. "It won't be the same."
Felix smiles. "Good. I like this better."
Hyunjin only sighs. His heart aches.
Felix must catch his mood. He looks up, draws himself up on his elbows so he can gaze down at Hyunjin with his soft, sweet eyes. "Don't feel guilty," he says. "It really wasn't your fault. I hadn't been happy for a long time. I don't know that any of us truly are."
"I was," Hyunjin says, softly.
Felix strokes his cheek, gently. "Then I'm sorry for your pain. But I'm not sorry you Fell." He kisses Hyunjin gently on the forehead.
"Selfish," Hyunjin whispers.
Hyunjin can feel Felix smile against his skin. "Yes," he says. He kisses Hyunjin's cheek. "I want you all to myself. The angels can't have you."
Hyunjin makes a soft, injured noise and turns his face against Felix's arm to hide his blush.
"I don't need them, either," Felix says, stroking his knuckles gently over Hyunjin's warm cheeks. "There's nothing up there that compares to you."
Hyunjin shakes his head, the hot sting of fresh tears in his eyes. "You'll regret it," he says.
"I won't," Felix says. "Everything I need is right here."
And he kisses Hyunjin, gently, on the lips, and wipes up his tears as they run down his face.
-
epilogue
-
"Are you sure about this?" Hyunjin says. "He might jump up on you. He's very badly trained."
Felix laughs. "I'm sure."
With a last doubtful look at Felix, Hyunjin opens the door.
"Oh, it's Hyun- FELIX?!"
And when Jisung plows into Felix and knocks them both to the ground, Hyunjin says, "I told you so."
"No regrets," Felix wheezes.
Later, Hyunjin curls up on the couch with Minho while Felix and Jisung catch up. "Did you ever feel guilty?" Hyunjin asks. Minho's hand pauses in his hair, then resumes petting him.
"Of course," Minho says. "I was also fed the whole Judgement Day, scores of angels defeating us for good line of nonsense. And maybe it's true, and all of us will burn, agonizingly, in the fires of Hell for all eternity."
"Thanks, hyung," Hyunjin says. "Really putting my heart at ease."
Minho laughs. "Really, though, I don't believe in that. And if it is true, well, until then, I know I make him happier than he ever was Up There, and he makes me happy, too."
Hyunjin looks up in time to see Felix's face light up at something Jisung said to him. Watching him grow happier, more animated from the dour, lonely angel he first met has been a gift Hyunjin never expected to receive. And if Felix's long blond hair had been pretty, his black hair is even lovelier, framing his face and bringing out his beautiful freckles.
"Hi," Felix says in the little goblin voice he's started using sometimes lately, standing over Hyunjin and holding his hands out with a smile. "Jisung says we have to check out the pool now."
"Have to," Hyunjin repeats, but lets Felix pull him up anyway.
"Sulfur's great for the skin," Minho says, following.
"Sure," Hyunjin says. "Because acne is something you've ever even heard of."
"You know what I have heard of?" Minho says. "Air fryers. Fascinating invention, air fryers..."
"Oh, yes, because the humans are full of-" Hyunjin cuts off with a shrill scream as Minho takes a swipe at him. He takes off running, the sound of Felix and Jisung's laughter following him all the way to the pool.