Archive of Our Own ^beta

Mark made sure he’d never be a stereotype. 

It was his life goal to constantly be subverting expectations.

He majored in history when everyone expected the over-achieving Asian taking AP courses in high school to go the STEM route. He didn’t learn how to play violin or piano. He didn’t play ultimate frisbee or work at a boba shop over the summer or listen to Rich Brian. When he came out to his parents as gay, it wasn’t fraught with tension and generational trauma, his dad just smiled and patted his back, his older brother snorted and said he already knew, and his mom frowned and told him that it wasn’t an excuse for not getting married when he got older.

There was only one stereotype he ever allowed himself. 

And it went by the name Johnny.    

His older brother’s best friend. 

Because how else is a person supposed to come to terms with their sexuality than secretly ogling the 6-ft-something god that spends every free minute that he isn’t in school, in the Lee household?

He used to hide in his room whenever Taeyong brought Johnny over, too nervous to run into him in the kitchen or living room. But the older he got, and the more difficult it got to stay locked in his room for hours on end, the more comfortable he was with making small talk with him. He never felt like they were ‘friends’, there was always a boundary that kept him in the ‘best friend’s baby brother’ category. 

But like he said, Mark loved achieving the unexpected.

He was goal-driven like that.

—

Mark had spent the last 10 minutes huffing and poking around the fridge for something to eat before begrudgingly settling on an apple. His parents were still at work and his brother was out with Johnny, dinner was still hours away. This would have to do.

He shut the door and nearly let out a shriek when Johnny stepped around the corner.

“Shit!” He gasped out, clutching his chest. 

Johnny grinned and raised a brow under the slick black hair that hung over his eyes. God, was that black eyeliner smudged under his waterline? He was so hot. 

“Sorry, didn’t mean to spook you, Little Lee.”

“It’s Mark,” he knew that Johnny was well aware of his first name but the nickname always made him defensive. 

Johnny smirked and ruffled his hair before stepping past him and into the kitchen, “right, right, Mark. How’s it hanging?”

“Um, alright. You?” He mumbled while trying to smooth his hair down. Johnny always had the most effortless confidence Mark’s ever seen in a person. Johnny was lanky but never came off as clumsy or frail. He strode around with the same casual ease that he rode his skateboard.

“Can’t complain. Tae’s in a great mood, finally got him to nail a kickflip. Only thirteen bandaids were used,” he chuckled while pouring himself a glass of water. 

Mark giggled and cringed when he heard how high-pitched he sounded. But he couldn’t help himself, he always let out the most embarrassing panicked giggles whenever he tried talking to Johnny. 

He wondered if Johnny ever noticed.

“That’s cool,” he said while rocking awkwardly on the heels of his feet as he watched Johnny turn around to face him. He was wearing baggy jeans and an oversized striped black shirt, he bet a photo of Johnny would go viral on Tumblr.

He bit into the apple in his hand, wiping at the juice that spilled down his chin.

Johnny stared at him for a long second before speaking, “you should come out with us next time, maybe I can show you a thing or two.”

Oh god, yes please. 

Show me everything and anything. 

“That would be gr—“

“John! Are you done? Let’s go, I wanna try to do a kickflip aga—oh hey Markles!” Taeyong raced into the room with a wild look in his eye. He had plasters on his chin and all over his arms and legs but had a 1000-watt smile. 

“Hey, Tae. Uhh…any broken bones?” Mark asked as Taeyong collided against him into a hug.

Taeyong rested his fists against his hips proudly, “not yet but the day’s not over! Johnny, ready to go?”

Johnny laughed and swung his arm around Taeyong’s neck before looking over his shoulder at Mark with a lick of fire in his eyes, “see ya around, Little Lee.”

—

Mark wasn’t the only one who clocked the charisma that Johnny exuded. 

He was a legend in high school. 

Mark was only a year younger so he could see the impact Johnny left on people. He was the rare senior who managed to be well-liked by all the niche groups: the jocks, the nerds, the stoners, the hot populars, and the quiet weirdos.

The only thing those groups had in common was that they all got along with Johnny. 

The girls wanted to date him, the guys wanted to be him (and a few also wanted to date him).

“I personally don’t get it…he’s just some guy.”

Mark flinched from behind his locker door where he was watching Johnny goof off with some of the skater kids. He turned to see Haechan standing behind him staring at Johnny. 

“Last week you asked me if I could get his number for you,” Mark deadpanned while slamming his locker shut. 

Haechan rolled his eyes while leaning up against the bank of lockers, “I was younger then. I’m so much wiser now and he’s just a tall dude.”

Johnny sped by on his skateboard, something that would wind him up in detention if he wasn’t careful or so goddamn charming. He caught Mark’s eye when he passed and grinned before shooting him a wink and zipping off. 

Mark’s throat dried as he stared at the empty space where Johnny just was. He could feel his chest pounding and his mind took a life of its own and started replaying the wink over and over in slow motion with a golden filter and sparkle effects. 

“Woah, what the hell was that?” Haechan murmured behind him. 

“Um, I don’t know what you mean.”

“Okay, I take it back, I think I get the hype about him now.”

“Shut up.”

—

Johnny’s car was…interesting.

He called it—sorry, her, Berta. 

Berta worked 50% percent of the time, the other half of the time was a toss-up. 

She was a rusty, beat-up Honda Civic that was passed down from his parents when they bought themselves a new car. It constantly smelled like a stale pine air freshener and there were always at least two Slurpee cups on the floor at all times. 

But neither he nor Taeyong could drive so they couldn’t really be picky when Johnny offered to drive them home from school almost every day.  

“I’m telling you, AP English is a scam, Mark. You won’t use it when your graduate and the teachers are brutal markers,” Taeyong had his feet kicked up on the dashboard. 

“I like English, though,” he said back, “the readings are interesting. We did The Great Gatsby last year and we’re doing Life of Pi and poetry next year.”

Johnny’s eyes darted up to the rearview mirror and found Mark’s gaze in the reflection, “Mark’s an intellect, girls like that.”

“And boys,” Taeyong said tersely. Mark felt his cheeks burn, Taeyong would probably dye his hair rainbow to show his support if he could. It would be embarrassing if it didn’t make Mark’s heart go all soft and mushy. 

Johnny was quiet for a beat before nodding, “right, and boys. Although most boys are too dumb to appreciate poetry.”

“Well, we can’t all be a ladies’ man like Johnny, can we? He practically has to fight them off with a stick, don't you?”

Mark frowned, Taeyong sounded different, meaner maybe? But he couldn’t figure out why. He’d been relatively quiet the entire ride but Mark had just chalked it up to him being tired.

“Quit it, Tae.”

Mark jerked his head up at his blade-sharp tone. He’d never heard his voice sound so cold. Mark didn’t think he’d ever heard him like that.

The car was silent, the air suddenly frigid as Mark tried to get a glimpse of Johnny’s face. He couldn’t see much from where he was seated but he could see the tight grip he had on the steering wheel. He glanced over at Taeyong, his feet were off the dashboard and his face turned away, staring out the window. 

No one spoke for the rest of the ride and when he pulled up in front of their house, Taeyong got out without another word and slammed the door shut behind him. Mark clears his throat and slowly opens the door. 

“Uh…thanks for the ride, Johnny.”

Johnny flinched before he looked over his shoulder. His face softened as he shot him a smile, “anytime, Little Lee.”

Mark gave him one last wave before kicking his shoes off and taking the stairs two at a time. He looked at Taeyong’s shut door before ducking into his own room. 

Weird.

—

Mark was ripped from a late-afternoon nap when his bedroom door swung open with a bang. He sat up with a start and blinked blearily around the room before he spotted Taeyong by the door still dressed in his coat. 

He vaguely remembered hearing the front door shut a few hours ago, “have you been out this whole time?”

Taeyong didn’t respond and just walked up to his bed, “can you shove over?”

Mark blinked at him before wiggling aside so Taeyong could crawl in next to him. He watched the side of his face, analyzing his expression to see if it gave away anything about what was going on. While Taeyong was a generally affectionate person, they hadn’t really slept next to each other since they were kids. 

“Is everything okay?” He whispered.

Taeyong sniffled and Mark felt his heart thud. Taeyong rarely cried and he was a little grateful that he couldn’t see his face because he wasn’t sure how he’d react to seeing his older brother with tears in his eyes.  

“Got in a fight with Johnny,” he muttered. 

Mark stared up at the ceiling, he couldn’t imagine the two of them fighting, they were both so mild tempered, “what happened?”

“He was just being a lying dick,” Taeyong grumbled before turning away from Mark. 

Mark stared at his back before realizing that he wasn’t going to share anything more. He covered Taeyong with a corner of his blanket before settling back into sleep. A few moments passed before he felt Taeyong shuffle before turning over, “have you and Haechan ever fought before?”

“Um, not really,” Haechan was too easygoing that he actually got uncomfortable whenever someone got mad. He never knew how to deal with genuine emotion. He laughed nervously whenever someone got too real or expressed anything honestly.

“Johnny’s going through something and I know he’s having a hard time but he’s doing something really stupid on purpose because he can’t deal with his shit and it’s going to hurt a lot of people I care about. I’m just mad that he won’t listen to me,” he admitted quietly. 

Mark swallowed a lump down his throat. It sounded way more serious than he thought, “well, I get why you’re mad but if you’re fighting with him, you won’t be there to help him when things go bad. You guys are best friends, you need each other. Even if you don’t like what he’s doing, you should be there for him, even if it means apologizing and watching him get hurt.”

“I guess so. Wow…you’re pretty smart, Markles. Who would’ve thought,” Taeyong said with a snort. 

He groaned and shoved his shoulder, “shut up, asshole.”

“Sometimes…” Taeyong laughed before sighing softly, his voice already fading in exhaustion, “I just want to put you and Johnny alone in a room together and…and…”

Mark didn’t realize he was holding his breath until Taeyong’s voice turned into soft snores. He fought back the urge to laugh and just stayed motionless for a few minutes. When he was sure that Taeyong was fast asleep, he quietly rolled out of bed and walked out on his tip-toes. 

“Where are you going?” His dad asked him when he walked in with a cup of tea to find Mark slipping his shoes on. 

He rubbed the back of his neck, “just for a walk.”

His dad frowned and glanced at the clock, “don’t be out for too long, it’s going to start getting dark.”

Mark nodded and said his goodbyes before heading out and grabbing his bike. He peddled down his quiet neighbourhood, his calves screaming as he sped towards a house he’d never been inside.

He turned down Johnny’s neighbourhood and it took him a while to find the house until he spotted Johnny’s car in the driveway. He dragged his bike around to the backyard and scanned each window until he found the one glowing with purple LEDs. He grabbed a handful of pebbles from the garden and began chucking them at the window. 

Just as he was about to give up hope, Johnny’s head popped up. He squinted down at Mark before his eyes widened. He shoved his window open and peered down at him, confused, “Mark?”

He was almost expecting him to call him  Little Lee.

“Can you come down?” He whisper-yelled. 

He probably could just knock on the front door but he really didn’t want the awkward parental small-talk or explaining how he knew their son. Johnny just stared down at him for a long moment before nodding and shutting his window, disappearing from sight. 

Mark bounced on his heels to fight off the incoming chill as the afternoon had long turned into evening when Johnny finally walked into the backyard. Even in his pyjamas, a sweater, and his hair tousled, he was so beautiful. Boys like him were meant to break hearts and haunt you forever while they move on, none the wiser, “what are you doing here?”

“I’m—I’m not really sure, to be honest,” he admitted while hugging his arms close to his body for warmth when a breeze cut through. 

“Fuck, you’re shaking,” he said while unzipping his sweater and taking it off before holding it out to him, “take this.”

“No, I’m fin—“

Before he could finish talking, Johnny was wrapping his sweater shoulder Mark’s shoulders. He couldn’t help the relieved sigh that left his mouth when his skin began to warm. 

“Is everything okay?” Johnny asked, “is it your parents? Did Taeyong make it home okay?”

Mark nodded, “everything’s fine but um…Taeyong said you were fighting.”

“Oh…did he tell you to come over?” He could see tension bleed back into his muscles.

He shook his head, “no I just don’t like you guys fighting. I know you pissed Taeyong off and he pissed you off, so can’t you call it even and go back to being friends?”

He knew it was an unreasonable ask but he just wanted things to be normal. Johnny’s shoulders relaxed and he let out a little laugh, “don’t worry too much about it, Mark. Taeyong and I will be fine, we just had a disagreement.”

“But…but you made him cry,” Mark didn’t really care how much he liked Johnny, he’d always put his brother first. 

Johnny was shocked before he looked away. His brows knit together in thought before he let out a breath, “Taeyong’s a really empathetic person. He worries about his friends and it stresses him out to the point of destruction. It’ll all work out, he just needs time to feel all his feelings. And I…need to sort out my own”

“What the hell does that mean?” Mark was getting annoyed at how casual Johnny seemed about Taeyong crying. 

Johnny just shook his head, “it’s complicated.”

“Then explain it to me like it’s not.”

Johnny looked back at him and his expression shifted into something more resigned like this was a conversation he’d had a million times before and his jaw hurt at the thought of having it again, “when you want something so much but having it would mean being honest and putting everything on the line for everyone to see and judge, it’s easier to play it safer. To risk real happiness for security. But there’s still a price to pay for taking the easy way out.”

“Yo—huh?” He was getting confused, why did people like talking in riddles so much? Was it a teen angst thing?

Johnny let out a puff of breath, “you know how in bio they teach you that the human body can’t intentionally bite its own tongue off because it would kill you and your body’s self-preservation overrides your own impulsions?”

“I guess…”

“Well, what if biting your tongue off leads to something better, but your sense of self-preservation doesn’t want to risk the off chance that you might die?”

It made a bit more sense now, “do you really think that if you go after the thing you want and fail, the aftermath is literally dying?”

Johnny blinked at him, a little taken aback, “well, no.”

“So then do it. And just deal with the fallout because it can’t be worse than dying which means it’s something you can recover from,” he said while burying his nose into the sweater's collar. It smelled like Johnny’s fabric softener and body spray. He loved it.

“It’s just complicated,” even Johnny sounded like he knew how weak that response was and how right Mark was.

Mark kicked at the grass. It was getting dark and his dad was going to worry, “why? Why are you making this thing more complicated than it needs to be?” 

“Because, while you don’t give yourself enough credit for it, you figured yourself out a lot faster than the rest of us. It’s what makes you so goddamn intimidating, Little Lee,” Johnny said softly. 

Mark jerked his head up, eyes wide, “me? What do you mean?”

He shook his head and it was more final this time. Mark wasn’t going to pull another conversation out of him, “it’s late, let me drive you home.”

Mark scowled at him, irritated and petty, “I brought my bike, I’ll ride back.”

“Mar—“

“Just make up with Taeyong, okay? See ya,” he said before walking away and biking all the way home.

When Mark walked into his bedroom the next morning after taking a shower, he found Taeyong, sitting up in his bed, staring at Johnny’s sweater on his chair. No doubt he was wondering what it was doing in Mark’s room.

“Uhh…that’s—“

Or maybe he already knew. 

“Hurry up,” Taeyong said with a small smile, “Johnny just texted, said he’s picking us up and he’s bringing donuts.”

He might not have known exactly what had happened last night but donuts were a sign that bridges had been mended when it came to Johnny and Taeyong. 

—

Until a week later. 

When Mark was at his locker, grabbing things for his next class and waiting for Haechan to catch up and saw Taeyong heading straight toward him. If he remembered right, Taeyong had classes across the building.

“Hey,” Taeyong sounded a little winded like he had run over. 

Mark gave him a confused look, “you good?”

“Huh? Oh yeah, just wanted to say hi.” Taeyong said while his eyes darted around, searching for someone. 

Mark narrowed his eyes at him, “aren’t you in the north wing? We have 5 minutes to get to class and you came all the way to the south wing just to say hi?”

“Yup, yup, yup, just chilling, nothing much.”

He straightened up and stared at his brother, his eyes flitting around wildly, “are you even listening to me?”

Before he could answer, Haechan was running over to them with a hysterical look in his eyes, “oh my god, oh my god, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what? Why is everyone running to me today?” He asked while giving Taeyong a pointed look. 

“Haechan…” Taeyong warned but his friend plowed right over him.

“Why didn’t you tell me that Johnny got a girlfriend?”

A…what?

Mark felt a ringing in his ear and his skin got hot, “w-what?”

He looked over at Taeyong for confirmation and found him staring at something over his shoulder. He followed his stare to Johnny pressing the captain of the dance club up against the lockers, kissing her. 

“He asked her out yesterday,” Taeyong said under his breath, “didn’t even know he knew her name.”

She was pretty, no, gorgeous. She had an amazing body, a face made to be on television and from what Mark could vaguely remember a really nice personality. A hard combination to come by in high school. 

The perfect match for Johnny.

Because Johnny’s straight. 

And straight men date straight women.

Not other men.

Mark needed to wake up to the reality that Johnny’s type was not him. His type had boobs, a vagina, and long hair that fell down her back.

And that just because they had become closer, didn’t mean he was in his league, it didn’t mean he was even remotely interested in Mark. He’d always just be Taeyong’s little brother in Johnny’s eyes. How did he let himself be deluded into thinking their relationship was anything more than the platonic one he had with Taeyong?

“Let’s go,” Taeyong said quietly, “you’re going to be late.”

He nodded but couldn’t look away from the way Johnny’s jaw moved when he kissed her. Slow, lingering, savouring. 

Girls probably tasted better than boys. There was probably more for Johnny to savour with her than ever with him. Bubblegum lipgloss, sweet vanilla perfume. Girls were soft, pretty, and smelled nice. Mark just smelled like fabric softener and cherry chapstick. 

When Johnny had sex, it was likely with a girl gasping and squealing under him, hanging off his shoulders delicately. Not with the low grumbly moans that left his mouth whenever Mark jerked off while imagining the stupid lanyard Johnny wore hitting the back of his head and his big hands holding down a body made up of straight hard lines.

He closed his locker door but froze when Johnny and the girl pulled away from each other. He smiled at her and took her hand before turning towards them. 

Sex aside, he couldn’t even fathom pretending that Johnny could ever look at him the way he was looking at her. 

What the fuck was he even doing nursing a crush when he should’ve just pulled the plug ages ago?

Johnny had spotted them immediately, hard not to when they were the only ones staring, and his face twitched like he had to force the smile to stay on his face.

Please don’t come over here. Please don’t come over here. 

“Hey guys,” Johnny said with a casual nod. 

His girlfriend beamed at them, looking like the fucking sun and waved, “hey Taeyong!”

His brother gave her a tight-lipped smile back. She looked over at Mark and her eyes widened, “oh! You must be Taeyong’s brother, Mark right? Johnny told me so much about you, nice to meet you!”

“Umm…yeah nice to meet you too,” he choked out. His voice sounded strained and foreign to his ears. He wondered if the others heard the way it quaked.

Taeyong coughed loudly and when he glanced over, he and Johnny seemed to be having a silent conversation in the form of glaring daggers at each other. But Mark was too busy having an out-of-body experience to react to much of what was being said. They stood around having awkwardly painful small talk with Haechan leading the charge before the warning bell finally rang. 

“Sorry!” Haechan chirped, grabbing Mark by the shoulders, “we can’t be late. There’s a pop quiz.”

The goodbyes were a blur but he felt Taeyong’s fingers squeezing his elbow before he let himself be dragged off by Haechan.

Looking back, he can’t remember a lot about the entire interaction except that Johnny didn’t look at him once. 

—

He didn’t see much of Johnny anymore. 

He and Taeyong apparently still hung out but usually with Johnny’s girlfriend joining them. He didn’t know why that meant that they didn’t hang out at their house anymore, but he was starting to realize that maybe he wasn’t as subtle about his crush on Johnny as he thought. 

And maybe his brother was trying to spare him. 

The few times Mark did see him, Johnny wouldn’t look back unless his girlfriend waved at him in the hallways. Even then, he looked at Mark like he was her friend and not his. 

And the one time he saw Johnny alone, he had smiled at Mark and it should’ve pissed him off after being given the cold shoulder for so long but he was such a sucker for Johnny’s smiles and had missed them so much that he just smiled back. 

Everyone at school loved them.

And Mark felt dead inside. 

In the end, Johnny asked her to prom with roses and a sign, and she said yes. His tie matched her red dress and her corsage matched his boutonniere. They won prom king and queen and ‘best couple’ at the year-end superlatives. 

He broke up with her on a Wednesday, a week before graduation. Everybody talked about it for 2 days before she hooked up with the soccer team captain. Then it was old news.

Mark didn’t remember much about the day except that it was a Wednesday and he felt bad for how happy he was.

—

Mark never had a drink before. 

He was straight-laced like that. 

But some rich kid was throwing a big party to celebrate graduation and all the seniors going off to college and Taeyong invited him along in an effort to make him let loose a little. The truth was, he wasn’t ready to deal with the emotions that came with his brother moving out and across the country for the unforeseeable future. 

So he chose to down shots of cheap, petrol-tasting vodka, instead. 

There were so many people that he wanted to vanish into a corner at first. But then all of Taeyong’s friends set their sights on him and started handing him shot after shot. He forgot how popular his brother was and how easily it transferred to him just by being his little (underage) brother. 

“Feeling alright?” Taeyong asked when he found him an hour later. His eyes were glassy and his face was flushed a bright red revealing just how drunk he was. 

Mark nodded, his muscles felt loose and everything felt warm, his vision spinning just a little when he turned his head too fast, “yeah, you?”

Taeyong bobbed his head, “let me know when you want to go, Johnny’s DD-ing and said he’ll drive us home.”

“Johnny,” Mark repeated with a stern nod. Ever since his break-up, Johnny’s presence had returned back to the Lee household. He and Taeyong seemed to patch things up but they never spoke about his relationship, not jokingly or even in passing. 

It was an unspoken rule. 

Taeyong grinned, his eyes glittering, “I like your sweater, by the way. Looks good on you.”

Mark felt blood rush to his cheeks. He was wearing the sweater Johnny had lent him that he had never returned. It was obvious with how baggy it was, even unzipped. It swallowed Mark’s figure and made him feel so small. 

He bit on the sleeve that dwarfed his hands and looked away in an attempt to ignore Taeyong’s giddy, drunk smile, “he’s upstairs, in case you needed to talk to him.”

The music was pounding and Mark was pretty sure he could feel it his blood cells vibrating to the beat, “talk to him about what?”

Taeyong didn’t say anything at first, just swaying to the music before giving him a knowing look, or at least trying to, “you should really talk to him. You know, before he leaves.”

Even tipsy, Mark could read between the lines, this was his chance to tell Johnny how he’d been feeling for the last 4 years of knowing him. Who knew when he’d see him next if ever? 

“I should talk to him,” Mark repeated slowly while looking back at Taeyong. 

Taeyong nodded and bounced on his heels, “you should talk to him.”

“I should fucking talk to him!” He was getting worked up, his heart was pounding and his hands were shaking. He should tell Johnny because what did he have to lose? He was about to move halfway across the country for at least four years. 

“Do it!” Taeyong screamed at the top of his lungs while pounding his fists in the air.

“Okay! Fuck yeah!” Mark yelled over the throbbing bass. 

Taeyong’s eyes widened before he grinned, “yeah?”

“Yeah!” He shouted with a jump up the air. He was pumped up with adrenaline, he could rip a phone book in half. 

Taeyong laughed and handed him a shot that seemed to have appeared out of nowhere, “okay!”

He downed it one go, the burn non-existent now before he left in search of another shot. He was going to need all the liquid courage he could get. He wasn’t even sure how much Johnny knew about Mark’s sexuality. He knew Taeyong wouldn’t tell anyone without asking his permission but he had to have connected some of the dots by now. 

How would he react to Mark vomiting out his feelings for him?

He shook his head to knock the thoughts out of his head before he found a bowl of Jungle Juice. He scooped up a cup full of it and inhaled it in three big gulps. He crushed the cup in his hand before focusing his vision and pushing his way through the crowd toward the stairs. 

The alcohol was starting to really sink in and he was starting to feel more drunk than tipsy but he made a promise to himself 5 minutes ago and he was going to see it through. He wasn’t leaving this place until Johnny knew exactly what was in Mark’s heart.

“Hey, Mark, right?”

He squinted off to the side where a pretty girl was smiling at him. Why did he recognize her? She looked so familiar.

Oh. 

“Johnny’s girlfriend.”

Her smile tensed and turned close-mouthed, “ex-girlfriend.”

“Oh right, that was a huge relief.” The room was starting to spin a bit more now. 

She let out a stunned laugh before narrowing her eyes at him, “you’re pretty drunk, huh?”

“Enough to celebrate you and Johnny not dating anymore,” he slurred. 

She tilted her head at him before something changed in her expression, but he couldn’t figure out what, “ahhh, that makes a lot more sense now.”

“Huh?” He mumbled, distracted, he needed to get up the stairs while he could still walk. 

She shook her head and patted him gently on the shoulder, “he never told you why he broke up with me, did he?”

“Never asked. Didn’t care,” he said. 

She rolled her eyes but he was pretty sure she was smiling a little, “well, you should ask him.”

“Whatever, I gotta go,” he said while brushing past her. She said something but he wasn’t too sure what it was.

He’d never think about though. 

“Good luck.”

—

The stairs were a challenge but he was grateful he didn’t have to crawl up on all fours though.

He realized that this house was so big and with so many rooms that he had no way of  knowing which one Johnny was in. He had to drunkenly walk in on 2 blowjobs and 1 group of people blazing up before he found Johnny. 

He was sitting out on a balcony, playing music on his phone while scrolling through Twitter. 

“Hey, there you are.”

Johnny sat up and looked over at him before smiling, “hey, were you looking for me? Did you guys want to leave?”

“No, not yet. Just wanna talk.” It was so much harder to walk in a straight line when the room was pitch dark except for the moonlight. 

But he still looked exceptional. 

He was wearing tight ripped jeans and a leather jacket, he looked so goddamn good. He had shaved in an undercut after graduation and Mark desperately wanted to know how it’d feel to pull on his hair. 

“You look good,” he blurted after dropping down next to him. 

Johnny looked a little surprised before grinning at him, “so do you, Little Lee. My sweater looks good on you.”

“I hate that name, can you just call me Mark? I like when you call me Mark,” he looked away with a huff to hide his reddening cheeks.  

Johnny laughed and held his hands up, “fine, fine. How drunk are you, Mark?”

“Why do people keep his asking me that? Everyone’s drunk, it’s a party,” he complained with a pout. 

Johnny leaned back on his hands and tilted his head. His chest was pushed out, firm under his shirt. He wanted to press his face against it, “who’s been asking? Taeyong? Don’t listen to him, he’s a lightweight.”

“Nah, some girl. That girl you dated, actually.”

Johnny’s smile fell off his face, “did she say anything else?”

“I don’t know, I can’t remember. I think I’m drunk. I came up here for a reason. I can’t remember what,” Mark grumbled to himself.

Johnny’s smile was back much to his relief, “you’re cute, Mark.”

God, he loved him so much. 

Ah, that’s right. That’s what he wanted to tell him. 

“Johnny, you’re so good,” the room was spinning faster and it was getting uncomfortable. He couldn’t keep his eyes open without getting sick so he squeezed them shut. He reached out and felt around for Johnny’s hand until he felt long warm fingers thread through his. 

He wanted to slip those fingers into his mouth so bad. 

Was he perverted? He’d have to file that away for further analysis when he was sober and alone.

“Mark?”

“So good, so handsome and I like y—oh god,” his eyes shot open, his face green, “I think I’m going to be sick.”

Johnny jerked up with a start and moved at lightning speed to hold a trash can in front of Mark’s face just as he threw up. His throat felt like it was on fire and his head was pounding. This had to be hell on earth. The only saving grace was the soothing circles being rubbed on his back and the fingers running through his hair.

When most of the sickness was out of him, he groaned out in relief, disgust, and agony. Exhaustion hit him tenfold that he couldn’t remember how he had been cleaned up, safely transported home and gently tucked into bed with his brother passed out on the floor beside him.

What he did remember was Taeyong forcing him up at dawn, pouring hot coffee down his throat and making him help pack for college while nursing a nasty hangover. The next 56 hours were a non-stop volley of running errands, and packing suitcases and boxes while their dad nervously purchased more and more things for his dorm and their mom cried every 15 minutes.

The next time he had a second to catch his breath, it was after they packed the car to the brim and were standing in the driveway with nothing left to do but to say goodbye. There were hugs and tears and hard-to-describe emotions before Taeyong was driven off to college, leaving the house emptier. 

It was only hours later, when he was already feeling low, that he learned Johnny had already left days ago without saying as much as a goodbye. 

While Mark speaks to Taeyong nearly daily through text, call or FaceTime, he doesn’t see Johnny for another 8 years.

That’s where this story begins.

—

They say out of sight out of mind and honestly, it worked pretty well for Mark. 

Admittedly it was weird at first, after spending forever with Taeyong and Johnny around him at all times, to suddenly be without them both, but he had gotten used to their absences pretty quickly.

He ended up thriving in his senior year. No one saw him as Taeyong’s younger brother, Little Lee. He got good grades, had taken up swimming as a hobby, and had gotten into his pick of top colleges. 

He picked one far from home with a strong English and History department and watched prom, graduation and the end of summer fly by. 

Haechan picked a college not too far away, so they kept in touch as they battled their way through the ups, downs, and mental breaks of their undergraduate degrees together. According to his friend, Mark was a late bloomer and really hit big in his 3rd year. 

The baby fat had carved out some pretty decent cheekbones and the swimming kept him fit. His personal style was beginning to take shape and was clean and mature. He was social and friendly with people from all faculties. He was a common face at parties and became well-known in his year.

His sexuality was finally able to breathe in college as well. He dated around and allowed himself to finally settle and be fully comfortable being gay without the urge to remain ambiguous and vague in an attempt to fit in. 

His first blow job was during a party in his first year and his first time bottoming was in his second year with a boy he was casually seeing.  

Both were mediocre and forgettable but suddenly sex didn’t feel like a terrifying thing anymore. 

The Mark that graduated as valedictorian in high school was different than the Mark that graduated as valedictorian in university.  He stood taller, his head held higher, he walked into a room and knew exactly how to carry himself with confidence and ease. It became easier not to overthink every interaction and simply trust himself.

After graduation, he spent the year solo travelling, learning about different places, cultures, and histories as he broadened his horizons. He met interesting people, ate new foods, and visited breathtaking views. Taeyong had joined him on the last leg of his trip and they had bonded in a different way, as adults with their own lives and ability to carry their own responsibilities. Less like siblings and more like friends. 

It was during that trip that Taeyong confided that he was bisexual and had been dating a man named Doyoung for a year and a half. 

There some foreign alcohol and messy sobbing involved that night.

When he finally returned back, he moved in with Haechan after accepting his first real adult job as a junior editor and felt like he finally filled out his skin. He fit himself.

He was exactly who he was supposed to be. 

The one minor issue was that when you live with someone who’s known you since you were 16, it’s hard to airbrush your life. No matter how put together you are now, they’ll always know how much of a mess you used to be (and occasionally still are).

“So, are we gonna talk about it?” 

Mark was hunched over a bowl of cereal, scrolling through his phone when he looked up to see Haechan watching him. 

He had grown up as well. His emotional capacity had expanded and it was easier for him to talk about people’s feelings. A piece of character development that worked against Mark’s favour, “about what?”

“About how you act like you’ve got your whole life together but still can’t do anything except one-night stands?”

“It’s literally 7 AM? Did you wake up with this rattling around in your empty brain?” He asked, incredulous, “you have a hundred things you could be thinking about and you thought, ‘let’s psychoanalyze Mark’s sex life?’ Is everything good at home?”

Haechan sighs dramatically while closing the lid on his flask of coffee before grabbing his bag, “every Friday night, I go on a date with my wonderful long-term girlfriend and you leave the house dressed like a little slut ready to get railed.”

“Again, it’s fucking 7 AM. I think we need boundaries. Also, there’s nothing wrong with the way I dress when I go out or being a slut. Again, boundaries,” he said with a wince before setting his phone down. 

“I have a challenge for you,” Haechan brushed over him as he put his shoes on, “go on Tinder or Hinge or whatever and you only get to swipe right once a day. And it can’t be for a hit and run.” 

“I just don’t think a man in a committed relationship should be dictating the life of a single man,” he fired back. 

He clicked his tongue and glanced at his watch before opening the door, “just try it for a week. See what comes of it. Even if you don’t find anyone you like, you might get a bit of insight into why you never let anyone stick around.”

“What does that even mean? You know, reading one Brené Brown book doesn’t make you a genius.”

“You’re a lost cause.”

“Back at you, have a good day at work.”

—

Mark didn’t remember Haechan’s challenge until after work when he was tucked under his covers, bored on his phone. His thumb had instinctively pressed on Tinder and when he saw the home screen, Haechan’s words had come back to him. 

One a day, huh?

Mark could admit he was a little liberal when it came to his right swipes. He liked playing the field to see who he’d click with. The most unexpected people could be the most attractive. He had to be honest, he was a little curious to see what kind of person he’d be left with if he started being more choosy. 

If someone asked him what his type was, he wouldn’t really have much of an answer. 

So thinking that he’d humour his friend, he began swiping through profiles. The first few were tricky, he had to fight the urge to swipe right on the first mediocrely okay guy. He spent way too much time mulling over their profiles before swiping left, but after a while, it started getting easier, and almost fun, to swipe left on most of the profiles he got. 

He had started to ask himself whether he’d be interested in the person’s profile if sex wasn’t on the table. If he had to sit down for 2 hours and have a meal with his person and go home alone, would he want to swipe right? 

The answer was almost always no. 

In his defence, he had spent so much time using the app to find someone for a one-night stand, that the algorithm had become tailored to show people who were looking for the same thing. Trying to find eligible people with the criteria Haechan had given him now, felt like an impossible task. 

The first night was a dud. 

So was the second night. 

And the third. 

But the algorithm was learning, it was seeing that his preferences were changing and by the fourth night, was getting some strong contenders. He’d still manage to find small things that caused him to swipe left on them, though. 

Wasn’t tall enough. 

Hair wasn’t dark enough. 

Too pretentious. 

Not interesting enough. 

No tattoos. 

Didn’t like skateboarding. 

Trying too hard. 

Too serious.

Didn’t dress well.

Too cocky. 

Too much of a bro. 

Not funny enough. 

Good looking but not heart-breakingly gorgeous. 

His thumb was so used to swiping left, that he nearly did it again by habit when a new profile popped up on his screen. Thank god for his reflexes. He was grateful that his finger hesitated because he wasn’t exactly sure he was really seeing what he was seeing. 

Johnny Suh (27) slow down, im a big guy (height ? ft ?) 

11km away

His hand was trembling as he clicked on the picture to get a better look because surely this was some other Johnny Suh. Not the one…not that one. 

“Oh my god,” he whispered as he sat up. He could feel his heart thudding in his chest and his blood rushing to his head. 

It was him. 

Johnny. 

Taeyong’s best friend. 

His…fuck.

It’d been so long, when was the last time he thought about Johnny?

Mark held his phone up to face to get a better look at the profile picture.

He looked older, face sharper, hair longer, warmer, eyes darker. But it was him. 

Mark went through his photos with an embarrassing amount of enthusiasm. He wanted to see him from every angle.

He didn’t have the emo boy haircut, it was a soft brown that grew out to his chin in thick waves. It made him look mature, sexier in the rugged way that heroes in erotic romance novels look.

He was taunting you to sink your fingers into his hair and just fucking pull.

And when he clicked to the next picture, his lower stomach twisted so hard that he nearly keeled over. 

It was Johnny, shirtless, at a beach holding a surfboard. 

He was ripped now. No longer the thin, lanky, but lightly toned, guy with a slouch. He had bulging biceps and a cut stomach with divots you could lick your way up. 

And he had tattoos. 

On his shoulder, arm and across his collarbone. The photo didn’t zoom in well so it was hard to say what the tattoos were of but who gave a fuck. They were tattoos. 

Mark greedily clicked through the rest of the photos and while none of them were topless, he looked so good in each one. Some were taken at cafes, others with a shiny golden retriever, and a few surfing and skateboarding. 

He looked like a heartthrob in romcoms from the 90s.

He looked like someone pried Mark’s brain, heart and dick open and pulled out all of his deepest fantasies and combined them together to create the perfect man for him. 

Wait. 

Mark felt his blood-run cold. 

He had his settings set to only see men interested in men and set his profile as gay. If he was being shown Johnny, that meant he had to have set somewhat similar settings on his end. 

Johnny was interested in men. 

And he was 11km away. 

He thought Johnny had gone overseas after finishing his degree. Taeyong had mentioned something about an international exchange for the Master's degree he was doing or something. Mark tried to drone out updates on Johnny’s life to avoid going back to his high school days of insecurities and pining. 

It was impressive enough that he had the self-restraint to mute him on Instagram to avoid seeing his picture and keeping tabs on him. 

So not only was Johnny back, but he apparently wasn’t as straight as Mark had thought him to be. 

And here he was, at Mark’s fingertips. 

It was like the rug was pulled out from under him. Everything he thought to be true was wrong.

This was a lot of information to be taking in.

And he had a decision to make.

If he swiped left, it’d be like this never happened, like he’d never seen his profile and maybe he could live the rest of his life in ignorance. 

If he swiped right, he’d know whether Johnny swiped right or not. And if he did…well…he’d cross that bridge when he got there. But he’d also risk being paranoid that Johnny had swiped left on him if they don’t match. 

Mark spent most of his crush on Johnny comforted by the fact that Johnny would only reject him because their sexual orientations weren’t compatible, which he couldn’t control.

But now, if Johnny rejected him, it’d be because he wasn’t attracted to him despite sharing the same sexual orientation. It’d simply be because he didn’t want Mark. Could he survive that?

He thought he was over his Johnny phase. Without seeing him every day and while being attracted to and having enjoyable sex with other people, he figured he grew out of it. That it was just a high school crush on an older boy. 

But it’s been 8 years and all it took was Tinder and a handful of pictures to send him back to the days of being stupid for him. 

Because if he was really over Johnny, it wouldn’t have mattered which way he swiped. He wouldn’t be overthinking it the way he was.

Exiting the app (he was careful not to close it), he opened up Instagram and went to his muted accounts and found Johnny’s. 

And wow, Mark had missed a lot after muting him. 

Johnny had red hair, black hair again, and even blonde hair (which he managed to pull off). He had cute photos with family and friends or just him bundled up in a sweater looking soft and happy. He also frequently took shirtless photos so Mark was finally able to see a close-up of all his tattoos. Each one pretty and delicate. Each one begging for Mark’s teeth marks to be left across them. 

The worst pictures were the one with his eyes half-lidded, head tilted back, staring down the camera like you were on your knees for him. 

Mark had assumed that the next time he’d see Johnny, the rose-coloured glasses would come off and he’d realize that Haechan was right, Johnny was just some tall guy. Maybe he’d have peaked in high school. 

He was wrong because Johnny aged so much better than he could’ve imagined. He was just a beautiful tall boy before. 

He looked like a Man now. 

And Mark wanted to be under him so badly that it embarrassed him. 

Was wanting to fuck your high school crush nearly 10 years later pathetic? 

Or was he just really committed to his life goals?

However, if this was him wanting to fulfill his teenage dream of getting in bed with Johnny, why didn’t he swipe right the second he realized it was him?

Why was he so nervous about whether or not they’d be matched?

He brought up Johnny’s Tinder profile again and thought of his own profile - most were casual photos, with a few more thirst trap-y ones scattered between. If Johnny saw it, what would he think? Would his eyes linger on any of them?

“Hey, Mark?!” Haechan shouted as he burst into his room, “wanna get takeou— or are you going to bed already?”

Mark had flinched, nearly leaping in the air when the door slammed open, “fuck! Don’t do that, I nearly had a hear—“

He was cut off when his phone let out a short buzz. He looked down and almost passed out. When he had flinched earlier, his fingers must’ve accidentally swiped right.

And after agonizing over all the different potential outcomes, he was staring at the one that freaked him out the most. He could feel his heart pound in his throat.

IT’S A MATCH!

—

He hadn’t sent a message yet. 

After shrieking at Haechan who was dumbfounded at his reaction, he was left alone in his room with the chat box open and waiting. 

What do you say to someone you hadn’t spoken to in 8 years when you get matched on a dating app? 

The pressure was building with every second that passed without him replying.

He could only hope Johnny was away from his phone or asleep. 

Mark had even googled ‘clever ice-breakers to use on Tinder’ but each one was either cringey, too sexual or simply didn’t account for matching with someone you already knew. He had to keep reminding himself that they matched, which meant Johnny swiped right on him too. He was interested. They were both equally putting themselves out there.

An even playing field.  

“Fuck it,” he muttered to himself before typing and hitting send so fast that he couldn’t chicken out. 

Mark

fancy meeting you here

haha

He groaned and tossed his phone aside, “‘Haha’? What the hell was that? You used to have game.”

Mark waited 10 minutes and when he didn’t get a reply, his stomach sank. What if it was a joke like Johnny saw him on the app and swiped right just for fun. Because they were sorta friends through association that lost touch.

What if he wasn’t attracted to him like that at all?

He rolled over and pressed his face into his pillow and muffled his scream. He had to just forget about it. It was nearly midnight, he was probably just asleep. Nothing sinister or mean. 

Mark shut off his lights, curled up in bed and tried to quiet his brain down long enough to fall asleep. 

Bzz. Bzz.

He grabbed his phone at lightning speed, saw the Tinder notification and felt his heart slam into his throat. He opened it up and clicked on the chat box. 

Johnny

been a while hasn’t it 

little lee

He fires back a response without thinking. 

Mark

not so little anymore, john

He gets a message back just as fast. 

Johnny

yeah?

think you can handle me then?

Mark had to hold his breath so he didn’t do something embarrassing like moan. It felt surreal, to be kind of sexting his brother’s best friend. Before he can even begin to think of a reply, Johnny followed up with another message.

Johnny

sorry too much?

He fought off a smile and felt some of the hyper-sexual facade that came with making an impression on Tinder, fade. At the heart of it, this was Johnny, who had always been kind to him. They already knew each other more than the photos they posted. Mark knew what Johnny looked like when he smiled and sounded like when he laughed.

Mark

no its good

a little weird but good

didn’t realize you were back in town

Johnny

been back a few weeks

Mark

for good?

Johnny

yeah for good

Mark chewed on the inside of his cheek. If this was a stranger, he’d invest a few more days into the conversation before asking to meet up. But this wasn’t a stranger and he really wanted to see him again. Especially, under these new pretences. 

Mark

wanna meet up?

—

2 AM

They say nothing good ever happens after 2 AM.

But Mark loved subverting expectations. 

In fact, standing in the lobby after spending 30 minutes hemming and hawing over what to wear, waiting for Johnny to drive up, felt like the best thing to ever happen. It was surreal, in the span of mere hours, he was sent back 8 years, feeling butterflies over his brother’s best friend. 

‘Out of sight, out of mind’ doesn’t account for what happens to your mind when they come back in sight.

Johnny

I’m here

Mark stepped out the door before he could stop himself and easily found his car. He dashed across the street before ducking to peek through the window to make sure it was really him and not an elaborate catfish. 

His lungs filled with the sharp cold night air when he came face to face with Johnny’s slow smile. He lowered the window and craned to better meet his eyes, “your Uber’s here.”

Heaven almighty, he looked fucking good. 

Not many people can look better in person than in carefully selected photos, but Johnny could. 

His shoulders had filled out the tan leather jacket he wore, his hair was so long that he tucked it behind one ear and was the same soft brown that was in his photos. Mark watched him pull his sunglasses off in slow-motion even though the moon was out. His cheeks seemed more prominent, and he didn’t slouch like he used to, as if his limbs were too long for his body. Now, he sat with full awareness of the space he took up and owned it.

Mark was going to be in trouble because his sexiness had worsened with age. 

It was rougher, more mature, confident but lazy and so much darker in intent.

This was a Johnny who knew who he was and what he was doing. Mark wanted to lick him and savour the aftertaste that lingered. He wanted Johnny’s steady hand on him. 

But it was that smile that rattled his bones the most. After missing out on it for so long, it hit him like an ache that reappeared after the morphine faded. He felt it in his soul.

He broke from his trance when he heard Johnny’s laugh, warm and cozy like a blanket thawing out cold toes, “get in, Mark. Let’s go for a drive.”

Oh. 

Oh no. 

Johnny’s voice was so much deeper than it used to be too. 

Mark had to fist his hands to fight the urge to pull Johnny against his mouth and hear his voice buzzing through his body. He just got in and buckled up.

They hit the rain-slick roads, the traffic had thinned out this late at night and when Mark rolled the window down a little, he could smell the burn that came from cold autumn nights. It was one of his favourite signs of the seasons changing. 

“Looks like you upgraded from Berta,” he said, finally breaking the ice as he ran his palm over the dashboard of his fancy imported car. 

Johnny grinned and it tasted like a new romance, “yeah, she was getting older.”

“And you just traded her in for a newer model? Ugh, men are all the same.”

With Johnny’s laugh, the tension eased off their shoulders as they relaxed into conversation.

They filled the air by catching up on the last years of their lives as quickly as possible. Both of them knew that there was something more they wanted to talk about but it seemed like the polite thing to do to talk about their lives so far. 

Johnny was back from working abroad and was settled at a marketing firm in the heart of the city. His parents had retired a few years back and had started travelling and he had an energetic golden retriever named Pearl.

Once they were hit all the life highlights, the conversation finally inched back to where he had hoped it would go.

“You look good, Mark,” Johnny said while glancing over. His eyes were dark and even in the split-second side-look, Johnny’s gaze slide down his body in a way that made him feel the weight of his palm slipping down his skin, feeling him, “you look happier, lighter. You used to always walk around like something was weighing you down by the ankles.”

It made him think back on how much he had changed from high school. He didn’t doubt himself as much nor did he turn into a wallflower whenever there was a big crowd. Being gay didn’t feel like something that only a trusted few were allowed to know, he embraced it like what it was - a part of him. 

And without Taeyong around, he could make his own first impressions and try out different versions of himself until he found the one that fit like a second skin. He didn’t stay hung up on one single crush and moved on from person to person, enjoying the company and beds of others while having fun and exploring his sexuality which he always treated with caution. 

Solo travelling helped too, meeting new people, and navigating languages and places he didn’t know. 

He learned to rely on himself. Trust himself. 

And do whatever the fuck he wanted.

“Yeah, I guess I am. Life’s been pretty good to me,” Mark said with a shrug. He had to remind himself that he was allowed to look at Johnny now. No more sneaking glances, he could appreciate the sight of driving with one hand on the steering wheel and the other tapping against the stick shift. 

It made him wonder how much work he’d have to put in to get him to tap his fingers against his own thigh. Mark wasn’t a fan of possessiveness as a kink, but the thought of driving next to Johnny with his hand gripping Mark’s thigh, he was going to blow up. God, he wanted to be his.

Johnny laugh as he pulled to a red light, “this is crazy, never in a million years would I think we’d get matched up like this. Never thought I was a lucky person before tonight.”

There it is. 

Finally.

Mark dug his fingers into his knee, “can I be honest? I was pretty surprised to see that you matched with me. Or even showed up as an option for me at all.”

Johnny gave him a regretful look tinged with shame, “yeah, I guess I owe you a bit of an explanation.”

“You don’t owe me anything.”

Johnny’s eyes darted to his before he chuckled, “see, this was why I always had such a fucking hard time being around you, Mark. You’re so goddamn perfect and you do it so effortlessly like it’s just who you are, it made my chest cave. What’s it been? 8 years? And that part of you hasn’t changed.”

Mark felt goosebumps pebble across his skin, “wait…always?”

“I came out when I was 21 but I knew I was gay since high school.”

Mark’s entire body stiffened and his mind raced to make sense of what he was hearing, “high school?” 

You had a girlfriend. 

You never said anything. 

Why didn’t I know?

Realistically, none of these questions had anything to do with Johnny’s life or what he had come to terms with. He couldn't make this about himself when Johnny had to deal with this all on his own. It’s not exactly like Mark had gone around and disclosed his own sexuality to people outside his family either. Even Haechan was kept in the dark until they were in university.

Coming out was always a messy thing.

Johnny shrugged but his anxiety was clear through the way he chewed on his lip, "well I knew I liked boys in high school but I didn’t really know how I liked them. I didn’t really know if I liked them because I wanted to date them or because I just thought that couple of guys were good-looking. And it’s not like there were a lot of gay guys at school that I could experiment with to figure it out.”

“You knew I was gay in high school, right?” Mark blurted out. He was pretty sure that if Johnny wanted to test out the lengths of his sexuality on him in high school, he’d probably combust. He was right there in front of Johnny the entire time and he didn't pick him?

Johnny looked over at him with eyes so warm and tender that something low inside Mark’s stomach quivered and clenched, “yeah, Taeyong sort of implied it, but I could never experiment with you, Mark. I knew that if I was ever going to touch you or even look at you like that, it would have to be a sure thing.”

He opened his mouth but Johnny just leaned over and placed his palm on the meat of his inner thigh. That shut him up. Mark was too easy.

The light turned green and he looked back to the road, “When I was in University it was easier for me to meet people to experiment with. After I kissed a few boys and had sex with more of them, I knew it wasn’t just about appreciating attractive people. It was who I was.”

He squeezed Mark’s leg and he nearly blacked out. 

How was his mind this fogged up over being innocently touched over his clothes when he’d done so much filthier things naked without breaking a sweat?

“It was hard and confusing so I didn’t really know how to approach it or how to handle it at first. I told Taeyong and all he did was shake his head because I think he always knew. I think it’s why he got mad when I had that girlfriend, he knew what I was hiding from,” Johnny said while turning onto a side street. 

Mark frowned at that, “Taeyong knew?”

“I told him not to tell you. Don’t be mad at him,” Johnny murmured. 

The night sky cast shadows to perfectly cut across his face, only lit by the streetlights they’d sporadically pass.

“Why?” Mark whispered.  

Johnny let out a long, loud breath, “it felt like too much. Like if I told you, this whole other world of options would present itself for me and I wouldn’t know what to do with it. I wasn’t ready.”

He didn’t really understand what he was talking about but he didn’t press him further. Mark was overstimulated, with Johnny’s grip on him, the flood of information, and the way he spoke as if the two of them pairing up was an inevitability and not a coincidence. It was a surprise he didn’t have little birds flying in circles around his head. 

“Do your parents know?”

“Yeah, they do. I told them during my sophomore year and they didn’t really have much of a reaction. They were pretty okay with it. It was actually kind of anticlimactic, to be honest, and it’s been like completely fine and normal since,” Johnny ended with another helpless shrug. 

It was strange, to hear such life-altering information being shared so casually. To an extent, he obviously knew that Johnny wasn’t straight when his profile showed up but Mark had figured that if it wasn’t a joke, it was Johnny trying something new out for the first time. 

He didn’t expect it to be an established part of himself that he had already come to terms with years ago. 

Mark could see Johnny glancing at him from the side of his eyes, gauging his reaction. Although he wasn’t really sure what he was hoping to see. Anger? Disgust? Betrayal?

No, Mark just slouched in his seat, the fight leaving his body, and clasped his hand over the one Johnny rested on his thigh.

“Well that’s… fuck did you know that I spent so much time in high school thinking that I could never stand a chance against the girls that you looked at?”

He couldn’t describe the choked sound that came out of Johnny then, “Mark? What are you talking about?”

Mark rolled his head over to the side so he could stare at his profile. The curve of his nose, the outline of his pursed lips - he was gorgeous. 

“You’re kidding, right? You have always been a sure thing for me, Johnny. For a really long time.”

Johnny slammed on the brakes so hard that they lurched forward, strained by the seatbelt. They were lucky no one else was on the road behind them. 

“Wh—“

Mark barrelled right over him, “it was just a matter of me getting the courage to tell you and the one night that I got it, I ended up puking it out and then you were gone and you never fucking called.”

Johnny’s voice shook while he spoke, his breathing coming out hard between each word as he started to drive, “I kind of thought that’s what you were gonna say before you threw up but I didn’t know for sure. And I thought that maybe it was because you were drunk and that you’d either forget in the morning or regret it. I didn’t…I didn’t know.”

Mark was pretty sure this night would be one for the books. The kind you think back to when someone asked you about the love of your life. 

“I don’t think I knew what I’d do if you told me your feelings, Mark. I wasn’t ready for you. I had to figure my shit out first because if I broke your heart just because I wasn’t ready yet I don’t think I’d ever forgive myself,” Johnny’s fingers were pressing so hard into Mark’s thigh that he was almost positive that it would leave indents in his skin long after he let go. He hoped they would.

“That’s why I left as soon as I could in case you tried to confess again because I hoped that one day our paths would cross and I’d finally be ready for you and I could finally tell you how much of a sure fucking thing you are for me too,” Johnny rasped out.

He pulled their entwined hands up to his chest and pressed Mark’s palm flat over his heart. He could feel it pounding against his chest like it was fighting to burst through his ribs and out of his body so it could fall in Mark’s hand.

Why did he want to cry so badly all of a sudden?

Mark knew his voice sounded watery but his heart was matching pace with Johnny’s and relief was slowly thudding through him, “looking back at it now, I’m kind of grateful you didn’t say anything too. I think I needed that time apart to grow in the way that I did. If we ended up together right out of high school, I would’ve idolized you to the point I would’ve lost sight of who I was and who I could be. I needed to be out of that town and on my own.”

Even though his face was shrouded by the darkness, Mark was sure Johnny was blushing with his lip caught between his teeth. He was so sweet and beautiful, he wanted to keel over. 

“I’m glad that you did because you’re a fucking stunning person, Mark.”

He looked away, bashfully, until Johnny spoke again.

“So do you think the timing is finally right now?” Johnny’s voice dripped low, his eyes glinting hopefully. 

Mark choked down the whine, “pull over.”

“Mark…” he asked looked worried but started to slow down. 

Mark shook his head, “pull over, Johnny.”

Johnny swiped his tongue across his lip before parking next to a sidewalk. He looked over at him and that was when Mark unbuckled his belt and leaned over, fisting the collar of Johnny’s jacket before pulling him towards him and kissing him.

Sex songs could be made about Johnny’s mouth. 

It was warm and plush, it made him feel like honey was dripping over them. Mark wanted to eliminate every other person who got to kiss Johnny because he wanted to be the only one left on earth who knew what he tasted like and what his lips felt like.

Johnny let out a short groan before blindly putting the car in park so that he could turn his body towards him to cup Mark’s face. He parted his mouth so that Johnny could lick his way in. His tongue moved in slow but purposeful strokes, mapping him out so he could memorize it for later. It was soft, wet, and everything Mark needed. 

Of course, Johnny would be an amazing kisser. 

He tipped his face so his nose slotted against Johnny’s and he could press his lips more incessantly. Johnny hadn’t hesitated and kissed back the minute Mark’s mouth touched him. It was desperate and hungry, like he had been deprived of it his entire life and finally got a taste of ambrosia. He kissed like an animal and Mark had never been so willing to be devoured. 

Mark brought one leg under him so he could lean over the console to get closer. Johnny’s tongue slowed, stroking the roof of his mouth with languid curls, sucking his lip into his mouth at the same time. 

He hummed and sighed like he was licking ice cream on a hot day. It made him shiver and think back to Johnny kissing his ex-girlfriend. 

He bet it didn’t feel like this. 

Mark smirked and bit down on Johnny’s lip as he pulled away, dragging it with him before letting go. His eyes were lidded, his dick was half hard and 8 years later, Mark was pretty sure he was still in love with Johnny. 

Johnny’s chest was rising and falling in short bursts, his mouth open and panting. Mark was staring down at him with a smile that only spelled out the worst intentions.

“I’m not the same guy that you used to know and I don’t like wasting my time,” he whispered. 

Johnny’s eyes widened and his voice had turned into a whistle-y rasp, “Yeah, baby?”

He’d nearly come in his pants at the sight of Johnny. 

He made him like this - out of breath, dazed, flushed. 

This was what power felt like. 

To kiss a man and make him look at you like you were a blessing and a cardinal sin at the same time.

“Yeah, so you better make it worth my time.”

Johnny’s lips curled into a smirk and Mark almost forgot how much power Johnny still had over him. He brushed his thumbs against Mark’s face and pulled him down to kiss him firmly on his mouth. 

“I’ll make it worth every second.”

—

After they managed to untangle themselves, Johnny dropped Mark off at his apartment with a last soft kiss on his lips. 

They agreed not to rush into things just because of their history so they spent the following weeks texting and talking on the phone regularly to get used to this new layer of their relationship. 

It drove Mark a little mad. If he had it his way, he would’ve ridden Johnny in that car that very first night. But this wasn’t a normal Tinder hook-up and it was probably smart for them to take some time to grow accustomed to something more romantic. Truthfully, he kind of liked the talking stage, just getting to know each other and becoming more present in each other’s lives. 

Johnny was often the first and last person he talked to every day. He was easy to talk to.

And the texting was fun. 

Mark couldn’t remember the last time a relationship was fun. 

Johnny

good morning

you look cute

Mark

???

how would you know

what i look like??

Johnny

took a wild guess

9 times out of 10 you look cute as hell

Mark

and the other 1 time?

Johnny

you look hot and i have a hard time 

keeping it in my pants 

Mark

i can’t believe i used to like you

Johnny

you still do handsome ;)

Mark

regretfully

have a good day at work

Johnny

ill be thinking about you so i will

(have a good day too xo)

Mark had never been so innocently pursued before. Flirting and flattery were always a means to an end. And that end was usually sex.

But with Johnny, he flirted with no goal in mind other than to make Mark flustered. 

It was new and Mark was hooked on it. 

Maybe this was what he was missing chasing after one-night stands.

“You seem to be in a good mood.”

Mark looked up from his phone when Haechan strolled in, “in fact, you’ve been in a good mood a lot lately. What gives?”

“I can’t just be in a good mood? I have to have a reason?” Mark asked back while handing a plate of scrambled eggs and toast to Haechan. 

He just narrowed his eyes at him, “no, literally no one is just in a good mood for an extended period of time without reason. Wait…I’ve been at home every day the last two weeks.”

“Okay?” Mark asked, “what do I care about your fading social life?”

Haechan glared and stuffed a fork full of food in his mouth, “I haven’t seen you go out once. You haven’t dressed like a slut at all, you’ve just been hanging around here like a hermit except for when you’re on the…phone…holy shit. You have a boyfriend.”

How the fuck does he do that?

“I don’t know what you’re talking about?” Mark said while looking away. 

Haechan snickered, “you couldn’t have come up with a less suspicious-sounding response? You’re dating someone, aren’t you? That’s who you’re on the phone with and that’s why you’re not hooking up with randos. Oh my god. It was my Tinder rule, wasn’t it? That’s why you didn’t tell me about him, because then you’d have to admit I was right.”

“You’re unhinged, you got all of that just because I seem happy and stopped going out,” Mark said, deadpanned. 

Haechan raised a brow, “was I wrong?”

“…No. But he’s not a boyfriend, not yet. We’re just talking.” He felt a little shy sharing this with Haechan even though he had aired out every second of his own romantic dilemmas back before he got together with his girlfriend. 

Haechan fluttered his lashes, “ahh the talking stage. The make or break of all digital romances. Who’s the guy? Do you have a picture? Of course, you do, you met him on Tinder. Can I see him?”

“You actually kinda already know him,” Mark mumbled. 

Haechan nearly shattered the plate he was holding with the shriek he let out, “I do? Oh my god, are you serious? Who is it? Yuta? Jongin? Jungwoo? Jaehyun?”

“Johnny.”

Haechan frowned in thought before his eyes grew wide, “Joh—Johnny?! Johnny Johnny? Taeyong Johnny? Johnny from high school Johnny?”

Mark rolled his eyes, “yeah, that Johnny.”

“I thought he was straight?” Haechan blurted, his eyes still wide, trying to process the information.

Mark gave him a look, “well, he’s obviously not.”

“Wow, good for him. But back to you, holy shit. I didn’t know you had a thing for him. What a small world,” Haechan said as he settled back in his chair. 

Mark shrugged, “to be fair, I also thought he was straight in high school so I never made it a big deal or told anyone but I think Taeyong had an idea.”

Haechan’s smile faded, “highschool? I meant…you know, having a thing for him recently. You liked him since high school?”

“Um,” Mark gulped, he forgot that Haechan hadn’t known about Mark’s sexuality or Johnny-related crisis back then, “yeah.”

“Does Johnny know how you used to feel?” Haechan rarely got this serious, it made him nervous. 

He nodded, “yeah, I mentioned it to him when we first reconnected. He actually said that he had some feelings for me too back then.”

“Oh, okay, that’s good. So, you’re both on the same page, then? It’s not like he thinks this is a fun casual thing while you’ve been pining away for years?”

“Yeah…” yeah, of course, they’re on the same page. Johnny had said all that stuff, they talked about each other being a sure thing, and they were taking it slow because this was real.

But they never actually talked about what this would mean or what they were to each other or where this was headed. 

“I mean, I know it’s not a casual fling but we didn’t really get into the specifics,” Mark explained, suddenly uneasy. 

The tension reappeared on Haechan’s face, “okay, well I think you should talk to him about that. If this was a total stranger, I would’ve said to just see where it goes, but it’s different when you know the person. And it’s worse when you grew up with them.”

“What do you mean?” Mark asked, his eyebrows knitting together in worry. 

“Well, his last memory of you was when you were 17. Sure, he was only 18 at the time but back then he treated you like a little brother. Does he still see you that way? Do you guys talk about sex or dating? Do you talk about what you want in the future like marriage or kids or moving to Italy when you retire? Or are you just flirting the way you would’ve if you were 17 and he was 18?”

The thing was, sex was a topic they never really touched. 

The sexual tension was there with their innuendos and teasing but they never actually got serious about It. Their texts or phone calls never veered that way, Johnny never asked him to come over or pushed him to take their relationship to the ‘next level’ either. 

It always just hung right out of reach.

Maybe it was the fear of rushing it and setting their new relationship back. Or maybe it was the fear that they built it up so much in their heads that there was no way it wouldn’t be disappointing. Or maybe they were just scared. 

Hell, maybe he was scared. Scared that Johnny couldn’t help but still see him as his best friend’s little brother. That he liked him but not enough to be aroused or want to have sex with him. He tried not to dwell on those thoughts. 

But while Haechan’s words are bullshit 90% of the time, that remaining 10% was usually dead on and would stay with you for weeks. 

Which was what happened this time. 

Despite that, he never brought the topic up to Johnny until one night, Mark was a few drinks in, not even close to being tipsy but loose enough that his anxieties had evaporated in lieu of tequila. 

In other words, how every good story starts.

He was too old to be out clubbing but Haechan and his girlfriend wanted to go dancing and had managed to wrangle together enough of their friends into joining that Mark had agreed if only to see old friends. 

Halfway through the night, their group scattered through the club that Mark gave up trying to find them and took to the dance floor. It was probably because he was surrounded by couples grinding together or singles hitting on each other, but he fucking missed Johnny. 

He wished he had invited him out so that they could dance together. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine Johnny’s solid chest pressed against his back and his hands gripping his thighs as he swayed them together. He pressed his teeth into his lip and fought off the curl in his gut that came from imagining Johnny’s hands guiding and touching him in the dark of the club, dance music pounding in their veins. He’d probably brush his lips against his ear and drunkenly flirt in that rumbly voice he gets when he’s tired as he rolled their hips together with the beat. 

But Johnny wasn’t here. 

“Here alone?”

Mark flinched when a body that was not Johnny’s, slid up behind him. He hated it immediately. He didn’t even bother entertaining the stranger and stepped away, brushing off the man’s attempt to pull him back.

He wandered through the crowd and found the other end of the dance floor. He followed the walls until he ended up in a hallway with multiple single-person unisex washrooms. Mark slipped into an empty one and was able to lock the door and be alone with his thoughts, the scent of menthol cigarettes, and the muffled sound of music bleeding through the walls.

He stared at himself in the mirror. He looked good. His hair was swept off his forehead and his clothes were just the right amount of tight. Johnny should be seeing this. 

Fumbling for his phone, he managed to squeeze it out of his jeans. It only rang twice before Johnny picked up. 

“Mark? Are you okay?”

Mark shivered at his voice, rough with sleep, and molasses thick, “I’m good, just missed you. Out with the boys.”

Johnny laughed, his voice sounding more alert, “yeah, you texted me before you left. Sent me a picture of your outfit too. Bet you knew exactly what you were doing to me with that one, didn’t you?”

Mark frowned, this was the dance they always did. Flirting with implications of sexual attraction but without any follow through, “I wasn’t trying to make you jealous or anything. I’m not here with anyone else. I’m not looking for anyone else.”

Johnny let out a soft sigh at his tense tone, “Oh, Mark, I wasn’t saying that you were and I’m not your keeper. If you wanted to…you could. I—I know we aren’t exclusive, yet. I don’t want you to feel guilty about anything you might want to do with other people.”

“What?” Mark felt his blood burn. He knew this was a conversation he should be having clear-headed but he couldn’t stop himself. He was pissed. What have they been doing all this time if Johnny thought he still wanted to see other people, “what the fuck are you talking about?”

“I just meant that we’ve been talking for a few weeks and we’re not official so if in the meantime there was someone el—“

“Is there someone else for you?” Mark shot back.

“No,” Johnny’s voice was sharp, his answer quick and firm with no room for question, “there isn’t. There won’t be.”

“So why would you think that it would be any different for me? I told you that you were a sure thing for me, didn’t I? Christ, Johnny I basically waited my entire life for you, I don’t care if we aren’t official. I’m exclusive to you.”

Johnny let out a shuddery breath, “you are?”

“I am. Are you?” He barked. 

“Yes,” he said with a whisper, “of course, I am.”

He huffed, “okay, I’m glad we cleared this up.”

“Mark, I’m sorry I wasted so much time getting here,” he said with a little laugh.

Mark pouted even though he was sure Johnny wouldn’t be able to tell, “I think there’s a lot we should’ve talk about sooner. You know, to make sure we were on the same page. We’re not in high school anymore. We are supposed to have these grown-up conversations.”

“I know, you’re right. We’re working on it, aren’t we? I just don’t want to push too much, you know? I don’t want to mess it up or make you uncomfortable,” Johnny explained earnestly.

Mark’s head was throbbing and he knew he could use some water right about now. His fingers settled on his belt as he leaned against the bathroom door. 

He huffed, “I appreciate it, but I’m an adult, you don’t need to protect me from yourself. And if you keep trying to, this thing between us won’t work. If you mess it up, we’ll fix it, together. Because I want this to work out just as much as you do, remember?”

“I do, you’re right again. But for the record, I don’t think you’re still a kid, I just really like you and I don’t want to fuck up. M’sorry, baby.”

Oh.

Mark was pretty sure the last time he heard Johnny call him 'baby' was that night in his car. All the other times were by text. He forgot how it sounded fresh out of his mouth and what it did to him. 

The heat was back, licking its way up his limbs and settling into a swelling just under his belly.

“That’s a dirty trick,” he hissed out, trying not to get hard in a club bathroom. Too late.

Johnny paused for a second before laughing loudly in realization. The sound made Mark fight down a smile, “getting worked up hearing me call you baby?”

Mark was about to fire back with a resounding ‘yes!’ when Johnny cleared his throat, “you should go back and find your friends now. I’m sure they’re looking for you.”

There he goes, pulling Mark in and escaping before it could go any further.

He was done with it.

“John?” Mark asked, his throat dry and the previous anger melting into something hotter, settling in his veins. 

Johnny hummed into his ear and he could almost imagine him lying under his blankets, sleepy and warm. He wondered how Johnny dressed for bed. Shirtless with boxers? Sweats and a t-shirt? 

God, Mark wanted to be in bed with him.

Well, on the topic of having grown-up conversations…

“Do you wanna have sex with me?”

Johnny’s sharp inhale was heard clear as day on the phone. It was followed by the sound of the bed creaking and sheets ruffling like he was scrambling to sit up.

“W-wh—Mark?”

He let his fingers trail down the length of his zipper, flinching as his cock started to harden under his touch. His clothes started to feel too tight and the dim bathroom lighting and the sensual R&B track pulsing outside the walls were making him hazy. 

Mark could feel his cheeks warm, “answer the question, John.”

“Of course I do.”

It came out in a tense exhale like he was fighting something off. Mark squeezed himself through his jeans and sighed in relief, it was more of a whine, “then what the fuck are you waiting for?”

He could hear Johnny gulp, “a-are you…”

“Yeah, baby,” he murmured as he unzipped his pants and cupped himself over his boxers. Relief flooded through his veins, “I am.”

Johnny let out a stunned laugh, “you’re a cruel man, Mark Lee.”

“What are you gonna do about it? Cause I’m all the way over here, you’re all the way over there and I really wanna feel good tonight. Spent the entire time thinking about you. Thinking about you dancing with me, thinking about you touching me, thinking about you pulling me into one of these bathrooms and fucking my brains out against the door with all our clothes on.”

“Jesus, fuck.”

Mark laughed out a moan as he spat in his hand to dampen the front of his boxers where his cock was pressed up against, “told you I wasn’t the same person you knew.”

He heard more shifting and imagined Johnny laying flat on his back, pulling his boxers down just enough to get his dick out. He hated that he had no frame of reference for how it might look like. 

“Is that why you called me, sweetheart? Wanted me to get you off? All these weeks suffering and my poor baby needed me?” Johnny sang and Mark knew he was smug about it.

“Well, first I called cause I missed you, then you pissed me off, then you called me baby and then you pissed me off again cause you’re a flirt who never walks the walk,” he snapped while pressing his thumb against the tip of his dick to feel the wetness grow over the cotton. Whenever he got drunk, a need for filthy, messy wet sex coursed through him.

“Here’s the thing, Mark…”

A whimper escaped his mouth at how quickly Johnny’s voice turned deep and dark like crushed blue velvet.

“I wanted to take my time with you. Do you know how easy it would’ve been to have you in my lap, screaming my name and coming in 30 seconds after you kissed me for the first time? It was torture driving you home when I could’ve bent you over in the back seat. But I want this to last. I’ve spent years fantasizing about you. When I finally get you in bed, I want to spend so much time taking you apart and working you over that you’re out of your mind with it. So desperate for my cock that you can’t even fucking think straight.”

Mark was shaking, trembling as he inched his boxers down enough to graze the tip of his weeping dick. He was so wound up that it was enough for a moan to rip out of his throat. He loved being talked to during sex, having filth whispered into his ear in the thick of it always pushed him over the edge. But there weren’t very many people who were good at it. 

Most of the time it just gave him secondhand embarrassment. 

But Johnny was ruining him with nothing but his voice. 

“Look at you,” Johnny mused darkly, “already begging for it. Imagine what I’d do if I had you here. If I could have you under me, if you could feel my mouth on you. How am I supposed to drag it out when you can’t even last the end of this sentence?”

“You asshole,” he hissed but it felt so good. He had his dick completely out, forcing his hand to take slow, aching strokes because he knew that was exactly what Johnny would’ve done to him, “you think I’d just let you do what you want?”

Johnny chuckled darkly, “no, I bet you’d be a brat about it. I bet you spent the last 8 years with men wrapped around your pretty fingers doing whatever you tell them, fucking you in the exact way that gets you off the fastest and leaves them still hard.”

Mark was bent over by the waist, spitting into his hand to make the slide smoother. Sweat dripped off the side of his face as it got harder to fight off the urge to chase down his climax like a bounty hunter. Johnny talking to him like that, commanding, confident, like he knew exactly how to give Mark what he needed. 

He was losing it. 

“But I’m not going to make it easy for you. I’m going to fuck you slow and make you cry cause you want it fast. I’m going to make you feel every single inch until you can’t breathe. And all you can do is sit there and take whatever I give you because you want it that bad.”

“Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, please,” he gasped, unable to stop his pace from speeding up. It was too good, everything felt heavier, even the air around him, crushing down on his lungs. 

Johnny just hummed, and if Mark held his breath, he could hear the wet sound of Johnny’s own hand. He wanted that hand around his own dick, it was bigger, and could cover more of his skin. 

Too much. 

This was too much. 

“I’m going to bring you as close to coming as humanly possible and stop just to hear you cuss me out.”

He was panting loudly, there was no point in being demure about it. He was sure this bathroom had seen worse but he felt filthy and hot and wanted Johnny to rip his clothes off. 

“Wish…you were here,” he whined out, too turned on to be embarrassed by how high his voice went. 

He could tell that Johnny wasn’t fairing that much better, his own voice ragged, “me too. Looked so pretty. Everyone gets to see you except me.”

“Bet I’d look prettier with your cum on my face,” he hissed. He almost fell over imagining being on his knees in front of Johnny, his mouth pried open by his fingers before Johnny came on him. 

“Fuckkk, Mark. Fuck,” he kept swearing and Mark panicked, tightening and twisting his grip on his cock, not wanting Johnny to come without him, “yeah, you’d look like a painting.”

“Johnny, Johnny please let me cum. I want to cum. Please,” he begged. 

Silence filled the phone and for a dreadful second, he thought Johnny had already gotten there without him. 

“Yeah? How bad?”

Mark could feel spit leaking out his mouth, he was so close. He was willing to sell his house and soul, “so so bad. Please, Johnny, I need to cum.”

“Then give daddy a show.”

The moan was loud, gasping and shameless as Mark let go of all restraint and worked himself over until he came. It hit him like a wave cresting over. His vision whited out and his body immediately softened and warmed, soaking in the endorphins. His muscles felt like they were made of lead and his bones were made of steel. 

He was so sleepy and so happy. 

“Mark? Are you okay?”

He snorted, his limbs turning jelly with every passing second, “daddy? Really? You’re an idiot.”

Johnny laughed, low and gravelly, “thought you’d get a kick out of it. Seriously, are you good? I’m sorry you’re alone after that.”

His eyes fluttered shut at Johnny’s voice. When they have sex for real, Johnny would be there, they’d clean up together and fall asleep in each other’s arms. It felt like a dream, “‘m so good. You?”

“Fucking phenomenal.” 

He snorted out a laugh and wobbled over to the sink to wash his hands. He glanced in the mirror and winced. All he did was masturbate but he looked like he had the best sex of his life. 

“Are you going to be okay? Want me to come get you?” He asked tenderly as if he hadn’t just talked Mark to orgasm. 

He shook his head, he wasn’t sure if he had the composure to see Johnny in person just yet, “no, I’ll go find the guys.”

“Alright, get home safe, text me when you’re in,” Johnny said softly. 

Mark hummed and was about to hang up when Johnny spoke up, “Mark, are we good? I know things took a turn at the end but before. We’re okay?”

“Yeah,” he whispered back, “I think we both get it now. You know, like what we want from this, right?”

Johnny paused for a moment, “I want to date you.”

“Yeah,” he said with a small smile, “I want you to date me too.”

Johnny sighed, “then can I take you out? Properly?”

“I’d like that,” he didn’t know why he felt so shy after what the two of them had just done. 

“Okay,” he could hear the smile in his voice, “good night, Mark.”

“Good night, Johnny.”

 —

5 minutes later, he gets a picture of Johnny’s abs, covered in cum.

He deletes the message. 

But not before he saves the picture.

—

The night he graduated, Johnny was 18, at a house party, listening to music and wondering if he’d ever get the nerve to tell Taeyong’s brother he was beautiful.

He wished he could drink so he’d stop thinking about big, shimmery eyes, and pretty pink lips. But he had dated a perfectly nice girl in a failed attempt to stop thinking about Mark, so he wasn’t sure why he thought alcohol would get the job done.

Speak of the devil and he shall appear. 

Mark interrupted, stumbled through the door drunk off his ass and when he looked at Johnny and tangled their hands together, Johnny knew. 

He knew that Mark liked him.

Maybe even loved him. 

He just wasn’t sure how confident he could tack the word ‘back’ to the end of either sentence. 

He knew he felt something for Mark but he didn’t have a name for it. And he was scared of what it would mean and what would happen if he did put a name to it. There would be too much to come to terms with. 

Mark’s sexuality was an open secret to a few people. Johnny was one of the ones that had to pretend that he didn’t know because the only reason he did know was that Taeyong refused to let him come over if there was any chance he was homophobic.   

Johnny wished that he was allowed to know about it because then he could’ve asked Mark how he knew for sure that what he felt was love or attraction and not simple appreciation. 

But Mark was brave, intelligent, and wonderful. 

Johnny was not. 

So when Mark’s face went green and his cheeks puffed up, Johnny was relieved to run away to get a trash can for him to throw up into. He helped him clean up and Mark was basically passed out in his arms when he carried him down the stairs and rounded Taeyong up to take them both home. 

“Did he talk to you before passing out?” Taeyong had asked once they managed to buckle Mark in. 

Johnny refused to make eye contact and just stared at the road in front of him. Most people were ecstatic to leave this town behind and start their new lives at university. Johnny wasn’t sure how he’d have the heart to leave. 

“A little,” he said vaguely. 

He could feel Taeyong staring into the side of his face and he was beginning to get the sense that maybe he wasn’t the only one who knew what Mark was going to say to him. 

They didn’t speak for the rest of the drive.

And the next morning, Johnny called the airline and pushed his flight up the earliest he could get. 

It was eight years later that he was staring at Mark Lee’s Tinder profile. 

Mark Lee (26) good things come for those who wait (i’m good things) height (5 ft 7)

11km away

He wasn’t Taeyong’s earnestly sweet little brother anymore. Little Lee grew up. And he looked Johnny’s best nightmare. 

He swiped right without thinking of the consequences of matching with your best friend’s little brother who didn’t know you were gay. But deep down he was so sure that they wouldn’t match that he didn’t think it would be an issue. 

Until he got the notification hours later. 

Congratulations! You have a new match!

It would be fine. It was probably a joke, they’d laugh it off, saying that they swiped right for kicks and to reconnect as friends. 

It wouldn’t matter if it crushed his heart, he was the one who left without a word and didn’t bother keeping in touch even though he stayed close to Taeyong. He’d just play along like he was in on the joke. 

Except it never got to that point. They texted, they went for a drive, and somehow Mark looked even better up close and in person. He was so small back then but now he was firm with muscle, his baby fat gave way to deadly cheekbones and a great ass. He punched the air straight out of Johnny’s lungs and left him wanting more. He had matured so beautifully, coming into his own as he spoke about his travels and interests. 

Johnny felt like a dragon who had come across a treasure he thought he lost and would burn down villages before he let someone take it from him again. 

Except this was new and what feelings they had for each other in the past didn’t matter now. What mattered were the people they were now and the feelings that were developing in the present.  

One wrong move and Mark would dart out of his hands for good. So he waited, setting down the foundation of their relationship for them to grow closer. Sometimes he’d feel the teasing banter go a bit too far and dip into territory too new, so he’d pull back and recover. 

The last thing he’d want was to scare Mark or push him too fast into this relationship. 

And yet, he woke up at 1 AM to get an earful from Mark telling him to stop playing the slow game and start just taking risks. 

Mark told him that he’d waited nearly his whole life for Johnny. 

Johnny didn’t want to make him wait a second longer and talked him through his orgasm while chasing after one of his own. 

Mark Lee was a master of the unexpected. 

He fell asleep with a smile and a date on his calendar. 

—

Johnny had spent a lot of time carefully planning this date. 

While he wanted to make sure it was romantic, he didn’t want it to be anything that either of them wasn’t. 

He had settled on a small Egyptian restaurant that was warm and inviting with the perfect balance of casual and formal. It was located near the pier where they could go for a walk.  

“You look so good, like ridiculously good,” Mark said it like it annoyed him but he kept cutting glances in Johnny’s direction once they were seated. 

Johnny reached across the table and slotted their fingers together, “Mark, shut up for a second and look in the mirror.”

He was so beautiful that Johnny wanted to eat him whole. 

Mark rolled his eyes before his free hand toyed with the petals of the flowers Johnny got him, “overkill?”

Mark looked up from the flowers and just smiled. The sweetest blush flooded his cheeks, “no, I just thought about how no one’s ever got me flowers before.”

Johnny made a mental note to buy them for him more frequently. 

“Don’t go all Gatsby on me and fill my apartment with them,” Mark said quickly. 

Damn. 

“We’ll have to meet in the middle,” he said while pretending to inspect the menu to avoid Mark’s gaze. 

Once their orders were with the waiter, Mark turned his attention to Johnny. It was a new feeling, to go from desperately hiding their glances and feelings to being able to be open and unabashed with them.

“When was the first time you knew you were attracted to me?”

Johnny choked on his wine mid-spit and stared at Mark, stunned, “you’re a narcissist.” 

“Oh come on, I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours?” He taunted with a cheeky grin. 

Johnny huffed and sat back in thought. He felt Mark’s feet slide closer to his until he could trap one of Johnny’s ankles between his. 

Endeared. 

He was completely endeared. 

“I think you were a freshman and I was hanging out with Taeyong. You didn’t know I was over and you just came through the door calling out to your brother talking a mile a minute about stuff that happened at school. It was the most I had ever heard you talk and you froze when you walked into the living room and saw me. I just stared back because I had never met you before. I thought you were cute. I didn’t know what that meant back then so for a long time I just thought you were cute.”

Mark just gaped at him and he was getting self-conscious. 

“That was…so basically the first time you met me?” Mark breathed out. 

Johnny blinked at him, he had never thought about it like that because he had known of Mark long before they had met. He felt his cheeks burn as he looked off to the side and took a sip of his drink, “yeah, I guess so. Your turn.”

Mark covered his face with his hands, the tips of his ears red. Johnny had to fight the urge to hug him and let him bury his face against his shoulder. 

“I can’t remember exactly when, but you and Taeyong were messing around with your skateboards on our driveway and you took your shirt off.”

It was Johnny’s turn to look stunned, “that’s all it took? I just had to take my shirt off?”

Mark groaned and sunk into his seat. Johnny had to fight off his laugh, “I was a hormonal teenager, okay? You were toned and sweaty and looked so good. I…may have thought about you when I needed to…you know.”

It took a moment before he realized what Mark was hinting at. Johnny normally thrived on this kind of banter but he was actually a bit flustered at the thought of Mark being so attracted to his dorky teenage self that he masturbated to him. 

Their meal arriving was their saving grace but it loosened them up as they spent the rest of the night talking and swapping stories. They finished their food and fought over who was paying, Johnny wasn’t exactly sure how Mark had won but he had winked and said that he could make it up to him later. 

Johnny counted that as a win for him. 

They walked hand in hand down the pier while sipping on hot chocolate that they’d stop to taste off each other’s mouths with quick kisses. 

But as their drinks began to cool and their kisses started to heat up, they abandoned the rest of their walk and hailed the first cab they could get to take them to Johnny’s apartment.

Their eyes met in the cab’s rearview mirror and Mark had just beamed. He leaned up and whispered in his ear. 

“I really fuckin’ like you.”

—

The trip up to Johnny’s apartment wasn’t a peaceful one. 

He had Mark pushed up against the elevator door, wet mouth on wet mouth as they took the tortuously slow ride up to the 15th floor. 

“You taste good,” Johnny mumbled when they made it to his front door and couldn’t stop long enough to get his keys. 

Mark huffed against Johnny’s lips before pulling away, “it’s the hot chocolate.”

“No,” Johnny said as he fumbled with his keys, “I really don’t think it is.”

Mark giggled and bounced on his heels as he crowded up against Johnny’s back, waiting for him to let them in. He slipped his hands up the back of his coat and buried his face into his shoulder.

He did a double take and stopped moving when an older woman walked by, eyeing them. 

Then she winked. 

The grin was unstoppable as he pulled his hand out from under Johnny’s clothes to give her a firm thumbs up. 

“Finally,” Johnny hissed under his breath when he finally got the door open. He grabbed Mark’s wrist and dragged him in, slamming the door behind him. 

Keys, coats, and hats fell to the ground as Johnny pressed his back against the door. Mark sighed into the kiss, refusing to give in to the control that Johnny so badly wanted. Johnny pulled back and trailed kisses across his cheek, behind his ear and down the side of his neck. 

“Yes,” he breathed out, tipping his head back with his eyes shut, he looked like he was dreaming. Johnny wondered if he was ever in any of them. Johnny continued to press kisses down his chest before slowly sinking to his knees in front of him. 

Mark was panting hard as he peeled his eyes open to stare at Johnny in awe. He looked so pretty from this angle, “here?”

Johnny smirked, his teeth clenched around the zipper on Mark’s jeans. He flicked open the button with his thumb, “here.”

He barely got the zipper down, his nose brushing against the fabric of his boxers. His mouth was already watering at the musky smell and he so badly wanted to kiss him through the fabric, when he was so rudely interrupted. 

“Woof.”

Mark jerked back at the sound and down at Johnny, dumbfounded, who just dropped his forehead against Mark’s thigh in defeat. Standing next to Johnny was the most beautiful golden retriever ever, pushing her nose against Johnny’s face.

“Pearl…” Johnny groaned. 

Mark laughed, pushing Johnny back enough to bend down and pet Pearl, “looks like I’m not the only one that wants your attention.”

Pearl yipped and licked at Mark’s hand. She was precious, he couldn’t even be mad at the massive cock block. 

“Yeah but you’re the only one getting it tonight,” Johnny muttered while standing and stalking off to the kitchen. Pearl perked up when she heard him open a cabinet and scurried off after him. 

“Go get it, girl!” Johnny cooed while tossing a bone into an adjacent room. When she ran after it, he shut the door and turned to Mark, “we have like maybe 45 minutes before she claws her way out.”

Mark burst out laughing as Johnny turned to wash his hands, “what happened to Mr. I’m Gonna Edge You Till You Cry? I have some very high expectations for tonight.”

He trailed his fingers across Johnny’s collar, tugging on it to trace the skin on his neck. Johnny bent his neck and gave him a fierce kiss and a punishing bite, “I can do a lot in 45 minutes, Mark.”

“Yeah?” He groaned out, “prove it.”

—

Johnny was a man of his word.

Because 30 minutes later, he has Mark on his back, his ankles around his shoulders, tears spilled down his face, and moaning like no other sound could be formed. 

“How does it feel?” He whispered into his ear, grazing his teeth against the lobe. 

It was so much better in person. Everything was hotter, more intense with Johnny’s weight pressing into him and his voice deep against his soul. It was all so suffocating, sweltering, and delicious. All too much and too good. 

Mark just let out a garbled sound, so Johnny’s hips slowed. He cupped Mark’s face and tilted it so that he could rest his forehead against his, “c’mon on, use your words, Little Lee.”

How could he make that nickname sound so lewd?

“Good, but I had better,” he spewed out with a vicious glare. 

Johnny grinned and pressed his hips flush against Mark’s ass and gave him a slow grind to make his jaw hang open in a silent scream, “what was that?”

“Perfect,” Mark hissed through clenched teeth, “it feels fucking perfect. Now can you please move?”

Johnny had spent a lot of time wondering what Mark would sound like, and feel like when he finally got him in bed. This was better than anything his mind could’ve imagined. He always figured it’d be rough and messy like they were so driven by need that they’d fuck like animals. There were years of build-up, he just assumed it’d be a blur.

In reality, it was a slow burn. 

He couldn’t find it in himself to rush, no matter how much Mark whined and begged. He made sure every inch of Mark touched his mouth. He savoured the way he nearly snapped his spine in two when Johnny licked at his nipple or bit down against his hip. He got off on Mark hitting him on the shoulder to hurry when he got distracted nosing up the side of his clothed dick. 

It felt surreal, sinking into Mark’s heat after spending years thinking that it was impossible to ever have. Everything felt ten times more heightened, the anticipation evident with their stuttering breaths when he had finally pressed his cock into Mark with a pained gasp, his body trembling. 

Mark was devastatingly tight. It made him a little light-headed. 

He almost felt shy, like fucking his best friend’s brother was some taboo act of holy desecration. 

But Johnny was never really religious. 

And now, with both of Mark’s wrists trapped over his head by his hand, Johnny bent him in half to steal a kiss while his hips moved in slow dizzying circles. This was his communion. 

Johnny clawed his fingers slowly into Mark’s hair and pulled. Mark’s entire body shivered and twitched as he arched into his grip. His jaw dropped and his eyes rolled back. He tightened around Johnny with a vice grip and it made him salivate like a dog.

Fuck he was beautiful and he was going to break Johnny’s heart someday.

Mark’s glazed eyes zeroed in on the tattoo across Johnny’s collar, watching, entranced, as it shifted and moved with his muscles. Surging up, he flattened his tongue against it, dragging over it slowly before dropping back down onto the bed. 

“I’ve wanted to do that since I saw those pictures of you shirtless.”

The flower had long healed and the skin wasn’t raised the way it did with he first got it, but Johnny shivered as if he could feel the texture of Mark’s tongue passing over the grooves of the tattoo. He so badly wanted to dig his teeth into the corded muscle of Mark’s chest to leave one of his own. 

He’d look so pretty blushing under the mark Johnny’s teeth would’ve left.

“Please,” Mark slurred obscenely as he slammed his head into the pillow. He felt so full he was going to explode. Johnny hadn’t realized how his hips had fallen to a lazy pace with his mind fantasizing about the exact thing in front of him.

Johnny said nothing more and thrust into him just enough to get a reaction out of Mark. He slid his hand down to press against Mark’s mouth so he could bathe in the satisfaction of hearing his muffled, desperate moans against his palm. Mark started panting, his body trembling thinking that this was finally it as he tried to push his face against Johnny’s hand, who just forced him back down. 

God, Johnny was so strong, Mark wanted him to pin him down, manhandle him into whatever position Johnny’s wanted and fuck the life out of him even if he fought back.

It would have to be a conversation for another time. 

Fuck, how good was Johnny’s cock that Mark’s dreaming about having sex with him while he’s having sex with him? Demon. 

And just when he thought he was finally going to get what he wanted, but when he was right about to tip over, Johnny pulled out, holding Mark at the base of his dick, staving off his orgasm. 

“Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I hope you choke on a million dead dicks,” Mark growled out as more tears slipped down his chin. 

Johnny chuckled darkly, he loved this shade of anger of Mark. Hot, desperate and cruel, “aw, but baby I only want to choke on yours.”

Johnny dragged his dick over Mark’s hole making him twitch and whine. His hips moved like sin, trying to get him back inside where he wanted him. Johnny felt mean and just passed the head of his dick over and over his hole until Mark was fisting the sheets so hard his knuckles were white.

“I’ve been good, haven’t I?” Oh, he was changing tactics, “I’ve been good for you, sweetheart. Don’t you wanna make me cum? Don’t you want me to feel good? Don’t you want to give me what I want?”

Mark was a slick one using that breathless wanton voice.

Straight out of a wet dream.

Because as much as he liked to run his mouth, Johnny was pretty sure he was incapable of not giving Mark what he wanted. All he had to do was flutter those doe eyes at him and he’d bend to his whim. 

Johnny turned his head and kissed Mark’s ankle before slowly sliding back into the velvet grip. Who was he kidding? He was just as desperate for it as Mark was. It felt too damn good, “you think you have me wrapped around your finger, don’t you?” 

Mark lurched up and managed to catch Johnny off-guard, slipping his hands out of his grip to reach his mouth to the column of Johnny’s neck.

“I know that I do."

“Baby…” Johnny dragged the last syllable out with a groan.

"And I’ve wanted and imagined this for a long time and I know you’ve waited a long time for this too, John, so maybe hurry the fuck up,” Mark clenched around him when he said it and Johnny blacked out for a second.

When he regained consciousness, the last vestiges of his patience were lost. He pinned Mark’s wrists to either side of his head and pounded into him. Mark was babbling incoherently as they clawed their way to their climaxes. 

“Yes, yes, right there,” Mark warbled, his neck craned back, his muscles shaking as he held on for dear life.

Johnny locked his jaw and hit that spot with deadly precision so that Mark could only open his mouth in a scream.

They didn’t last much longer. How could they, when this had been building up inside them for a decade?

“John—Johnny,” it came out of Mark’s mouth weak and desperate.

He could parse through the unsaid plea, “let go, sweet thing, you can come,” he purred.

Mark shuddered in his arms, trembling until he came on his stomach. Johnny followed closely behind just a few seconds after. His hips stuttered to stop so they could catch their breaths.

Johnny tried to hold himself above Mark as long as he could before his arms gave up. Mark groaned but accepted Johnny’s weight on him.

“Are you okay?” Johnny mumbled while weakly brushing his hair to the side. 

Mark hummed, closing his eyes as Johnny pressed sweet kisses to his cheek, “I’m great. Reborn.”

Johnny laughed and Mark kissed his shoulder, smiling into his skin. Johnny pushed himself up enough to lean forward and press kisses onto his mouth. 

“Mmm, we need to get up, wash up,” Johnny mumbled. 

Mark pouted, “I’m tired. This is all your fault.”

“Alright, baby. Come on, I’ll carry you,” Johnny slowly pulled out of Mark but he still twitched at the sensation. He tossed out the condom before he gathered Mark into his arm and carried him off to the bathroom. 

They soaked lazily in the tub until their bones were liquified and then stood in the shower to clean off. By the time they were dried, changed and sheets were replaced, Pearl had found her way onto the bed, fast asleep. 

“Do you mind if I spend the night?” Mark asked as he sat on the edge of the bed.

Johnny stood by the door, stunned, “you don’t ever need to ask.”

His home was Mark’s now, whenever he’d need it. 

Mark smiled, pleased, as he curled up under the blanket, next to Pearl. Johnny turned the lights off and climbed into the other side. He leaned over Pearl and kissed Mark on the forehead before settling in. 

He wished Pearl wasn’t in the way so he could hold Mark in his arms but he wasn’t afraid that Mark would disappear in the morning. 

After all those years of knowing each other and missing each other, he finally felt his heart at peace.

This was the only sure thing he’d ever have.

—

“Oh, this is better than porn,” Mark said as he turned the corner the next morning to find Johnny, shirtless, making breakfast. Pearl trailed after him before detouring to her now-filled bowl.

Johnny looked up from the stove and rolled his eyes, “I knew it, this whole dating and sex thing was just a long-con to get me to cook you breakfast.”

“You got me,” Mark whispered as he sidled up next to him and hooked his chin over his shoulder, his arms around his waist. 

Johnny leaned over and gave him a kiss, “coffee’s brewing. Morning.”

“Morning,” Mark mumbled before slipping his fingers into the waistband of his sweats, “I had to wait for my phone to charge.”

Johnny raised a brow while filling their plates with food, “why were you waiting for it to charge?”

Mark smiled against his shoulder, “had an app I needed to delete, didn’t want to wait.”

Johnny froze before shaking his head with a soft laugh, “we’ll do mine next.”

The rest of their morning was sleepy and warm until the front door banged open in the middle of them watching some show on Netflix. Mark flinched but Johnny barely looked up from the couch where he was massaging Mark’s feet. Pearl was curled up next to him, snoozing away like she hadn’t woken up from a nap a few hours ago.

“I’m just saying, maybe we start with a small fish tank before graduating to a giant aquarium, babe. Hey, Johnny, we brought croissants,” a distracted voice called from the front door. 

Mark leaned his head back to try to get a glimpse of the intruder.

“Already ate, but thanks anyways, I’ll keep it for tomorrow. And thanks for barging in unannounced by the way, Doyoung,” Johnny called out. 

Doyoung?

Why did that name sound familiar?

“Why are you being so pissy? You gave us a ke—oh…sorry I didn’t realize you had a date over.”

The man was pretty but even after seeing his face, Mark still couldn’t figure out why his name was so familiar. 

Suddenly, as if realizing something awful, Johnny stiffened and when Mark glanced over at him, was taken aback by the look of horror on his face.

The same look you have on your face when you realized you left the oven on at home.

“Date?” A much more recognizable voice called from the door, “Johnny has a date over?”

Mark was quick to understand why Johnny reacted the way he did. 

Footsteps thundered towards them and they all just shared equal looks of shock when Taeyong stood between the two of them. 

He knew they were forgetting something. 

—

A lot of screaming, finger-pointing, and hard-earned vindication later, Johnny took his phone out and leaned against Mark’s shoulder to show him his screen.

Taeyong was angrily warming up the croissants in the kitchen behind them while Doyoung hovered, worried. 

And Johnny finally cleared some storage space on his phone.