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”Come on, Rexyyy!” Jed hollered as he threw the car around a corner and raced down the hallway, foot heavy on the gas and one arm out the window to feel the museum air rush past as fast as a hurricane.
He shot a look at the roman sitting beside him, seeming much less thrilled about the actually pretty impressive speed, but Jed knew he secretly loved it. Octy might not want to admit it because of that stubborn roman pride or whatever nonsense, but every night when Jed parked the car under the roman exhibit and yelled up for him to get done with his military drills or sculpture classes or whatever the fuck it was he insisted he had a ‘duty’ to, Octavius would be down within five minutes. Then he would smile at Jed, and it would be a different sort of smile than the one he used for Larry or Ahkmunrah or Teddy, and Jed would know that all was right with the wor-
“Jed!” Octy yelled, ripping the cowboy from his thoughts and right back to a reality where they were very quickly nearing one of Atilla’s legs. Jed swore, or maybe screamed, turning the steering wheel to the left sharply enough to make him lift his foot from the gas pedal as he was thrown into the door and Octy right into his side.
They managed not to hit Atilla, thank God, and the car quickly lost momentum, leaving Jed pressed up against the door, trying to catch his breath. Octavius’ helmet pressed uncomfortably into his cheek, and the rest of the roman pressed notably less uncomfortably into his torso.
That don’t mean anythin’ Jed told himself. You’ve wrestled with the boys plenty o’ times, it’s just like that.
He ignored the strange sensation in his stomach when his friend placed a hand on his shoulder to help himself sit back up, and then extended the hand to Jed.
He’s roman, you know they got all sorts of ‘chivalry’ ideas Jed reminded himself as he took the offered hand and sat himself back up. Bloody fairytale knights they think they are.
Jed let go of Octavius’ hand, trying not to think of how cold his own suddenly felt as he righted himself in his seat.
“Well, that was close,” Jed said, putting on a smile. “Don’t wanna think what would’ve happened if we’d hit Ati. Gigantor would’ve never let us hear the end of it!”
“He might even have taken the car,” Octy agreed, nodding, and wasn’t that a scary thought!
“Well, good thing you’re here to warn me then.” Jed smiled, broad and teasing.
“The recognizance teams were an important and skilled part of the roman army,” Octy began, and Jed could already feel himself groaning before he looked properly at his friend and noticed the teasing glint in his eye.
“Don’t go givin’ me that, Octy, I can’t drive if I’m asleep.”
“It does not seem to me like it would make a great difference.”
“Oh shut up toga-boy.”
“Perhaps you should make me.”
Jed froze for a second, overwhelmed by the mental images that brought up; leaning in over the seats, the steel of Octavius’ breastplate cold on his skin as he hooked a finger behind it to draw the roman closer, sparkling eyes and warm breath and soft-
No, no, what am I thinking?! I ain’t no… no sissy boy! Jed forcefully ripped himself free of the moment, free of his thoughts, but what did he do now, what could he do, what did Octy even mean, surely he isn’t… surely he doesn’t want…
Perhaps he would regret it later, but in that moment, Jed’s mind spinning like a hurricane around the thoughts he refused to let himself recognize, the amusement on Octy’s face rapidly making way for concern, and oh God he didn’t- he couldn’t know what Jed had thought, he couldn’t, no one could-
Jed stumbled out of the car, almost falling, and turned and ran into the marine wildlife section.
Stupid! Octavius chastised himself. Juno, Minerva, and almighty Venus, how could you be this idiotic?!
He knew that Jedediah didn’t share his feelings, didn’t even share his preferences, and yet he had to blurt out something so stupid and suggestive and possible ruin his relationship with his best friend! He was a roman general for Jupiter’s sake, he shouldn’t be taken off guard by a pair of blue eyes, no matter how beautiful! But that look… that look Jedediah had given him, just before they almost crashed into Atilla, the little smile that had played on his lips as his eyes stayed on Octavius just this side of too long…
No. Octavius was a military man, a leader, he had more self-control than that. The roman army is about discipline, he reminded himself. And as its leader, I must be the embodiment of that discipline.
No more wistful smiles, no more innuendos, not even a secretive glance at the cowboy would he allow himself. He was stronger than that. If only he hadn’t ruined everything already.
Jed roamed the halls for longer than he should’ve. For once he felt grateful for his, uhm, below average stature, as the other museum residents he passed mostly paid him no mind, which left him plenty of time to stew in his self-loathing. Did he really look like a… a fa… no. He couldn’t. He was Jedediah Smith! Cowboy, gunslinger, manliest of men! No way anyone would think he was one of ‘em queers, no way!
He should be mad at Octavious, shouldn’t he? After all, he was the one who’d implied that Jed could ki- be closer to him than was damn well appropriate. But when he thought of how Octy had smiled, the red on his cheeks after the wild drive, the way his helmet sat a bit askew… it was just easier to be mad at himself. After all, he rationalized, perhaps that was completely ordinary non-flirty behavior among romans. Even though they’d both learnt much in the last few months, there were still instances of culture clash. Granted it was often more hilarious than offensive, but this might very well still be just a misunderstanding.
Jed was lucky that Akhmenrah made a habit of strolling through the hallways near morning, because Larry’s 30-minute warning found him way too far from the Hall of Miniatures to get there by himself.
“Where’s Octavius?” The young pharaoh asked curiously. “Rarely see one of you without the other.”
“We had a… a misunderstanding,” Jedediah replied meekly from his position on Akh’s palm.
“I see. And he took the car?”
“More like I left it I suppose,” Jed mumbled even lower.
Akh shot him a glance at that, somehow curious and knowing at the same time. Jed tipped his hat down further to hide his rapidly warming cheeks.
When Jed took up his position in the diorama just before sunrise, he made sure not to face the wall he knew separated them from the romans. He was also exceedingly aware of the church building over in the corner of the Wild West.
“I’ve ruined everything, Cassius,” Octavius said, for at least the third time in the hour since sunset, not slowing for a moment in his death march pacing up and down his living room floor.
“Sir, with all due respect, you haven’t even told me what you did. I mean, I’m guessing it’s about your b- the cowboy, so I’m sure it wasn’t that bad,” answered the roman soldier standing a tad awkwardly in the corner.
“Yes, of course it’s about Jedediah,” Octavius sighed. Barely anything he thought or did weren’t about him these days. “I merely… said something I shouldn’t have. Implied something. And he left. And now it’s been an hour and he still hasn’t shown up!”
Octavius sighed again, sitting down on a finely upholstered lectus.
“I apologize, Cassius, this is not your issue to deal with,” he said.
“No! No sir, if I can be of help, it would be my honor!” The soldier exclaimed. “To be honest, we, uhm… well you see, there has been something of a- a discussion going, among the soldiers. Regarding you and the cowboy.”
Cassius was growing red in the face, and Octavius looked away from the ceiling, interested. “Yes, soldier?”
“Sir, are you two actually dating?” Cassius blurted out quickly.
This got Octavius to his feet again, eyes wide with surprise but utterly speechless.
“It’s just that he always seems so happy to see you!” Cassius went on, in a desperate attempt to reason his way out of the hole he was digging for himself with every word. “And at first we thought that was just a western thing, and a friendship thing. But then you always let us go early from our exercise when he called for you, and you smile so much when he’s here, and Antonius is still betting that you got together after The Candy Floss Incident, which was frankly a bit uncomfortable, sir, I had no need to see anyone look at my commanding officer’s bare chest like that, and-“
“Enough, soldier.” Octavius’ voice was tired and without bite, but Cassius quieted. “I thank you for your insight. There is no romantic nature to Jedidah and I’s relationship, and I suspect it shall remain so. If, that is, any relationship at all remains after yesterday.” There was a deep, quiet sorrow in Octavius voice, the kind born of a heartache so deep it is written in one’s DNA, coded into the very essence of one’s being. His voice was quiet when he continued. “I doubt we shall see Jedediah around here anymore.”
“Sir, you say there was nothing romantic between the two of you…” Cassius said after a moment, his voice soft as if to not disturb the silence too much. “You would have liked there to be, wouldn’t you?”
“I would,” Octavius confirmed. “My soul longs for him like Alexander’s for Hephaestion. But his heart beats not for me. I shot my arrow, and it was deflected, and so I shall not dwell on it. I shall be firm like Rome, and not crave what I cannot have, for in that is only ruin.”
“If I may, sir, that is a beautiful sentiment, but I have a few western friends and a feeling you might have misunderstood the issue…”
Jedediah had never liked going to church. It got so stuffy between the stone walls, and all the paintings of Jesus looking serene with blood flowing down his face was just a bit much for him. And that was all before he even got to the preaching! Jedediah respected the town pastor, ‘course he did, but listening to the fire and brimstone that flowed readily from the pulpit for up towards an hour every week could make anyone a bit irritated.
He vastly preferred the open sky, riding under a blue deeper than the mayor’s pockets, the warmth of the afternoon sun on his back and the sweet smell of hay in the air. Jedediah’s eyelids grew heavy as he imagined guiding a herd of cows through the hills, the leathery taste of water from the skin hanging off his saddle, the sound of the wind and the cows and Octavius’ small laughter as he rode beside him, smiling brighter than the sun above, guiding his horse close enough to let his hand linger on Jed’s arm…
No! Jed jerked awake, receiving a glance from the old man next to him on the pew. He had to find a way to stop this! Every spare moment he thought of Octavius, of his deep, brown eyes, his optimistic, though cautious, nature, the way he teased Jed with the stuffy persona that wasn’t really him. His lips, so red and soft-looking, close enough then in the car to just lean forward and- focus goddammit!
That was why he was in the church in the first place, to get rid of those damned thoughts. Jed knew it was wrong, an affront against both God and society, and so he forced his mind to the condemnation falling heavy as coffin nails from the pastor’s mouth, and pointedly away from the laughter and adrenaline that normally filled this part of the night. And who he shared it with.
“A culture clash? You’re saying that’s all it is?” Octavius was, to put it mildly, utterly flabbergasted.
“Well, I- with all due respect, sir, we’ve all seen the way he looks at you,” Cassius said, still hesitant. “And the westerners do have different thoughts on relations between men than we do. Something about the monotheism, I think.”
“But their God is all about love, is he not? That’s what Larry told me.”
“I don’t know sir, but I’ve been playing cards with some of the railroad workers for a few weeks now, and they invited me to their church. Nasty business, if I may be so crass. Not a lot of room for individual preferences there. I also heard some rather unflattering phrasings thrown towards men perceived as more feminine.”
“What does femininity have to do with anything?”
“Sir, they perceive loving men as a feminine trait.”
“What? It’s two men! What could be manlier!”
“I don’t know sir, I find it rather confusing too. Nevertheless, that is how they seem to look at it.”
“So Jedediah… if he really does share any feelings or preferences, which I am for the record still not convinced of, he’s stuck with the fear of ridicule from his peers, anger from his god, perhaps exclusion from his community…” It hit Octavius hard, all his yearning and self-pity suddenly seeming miniscule in comparison to what Jedediah might be going through.
“Jupiter above, no wonder he ran.”
The silence in the room seemed to echo, to stretch out in an attempt to encompass the revelation, dense and heavy like cement in Octavius’ lungs. The fear that must have filled Jedediah at his proposition, vague though it had been, suddenly felt so real. He could lose everything for this! Would anything happen if he didn’t reciprocate? Was Octavius’ affections enough to cause him harm or discomfort from his community? May Jupiter strike him down if he had caused his dearest friend any injury!
“Do the westerners know, do you think?” He asked Cassius. “About my affection for Jedediah.”
“Well, you do tend to hang out here more, on account of… well huh, that might actually be the reason. Anyway, I doubt they would jump to such conclusions. Sir,” he added quickly, not wanting to disrespect his general even in the middle of this strangely personal talk.
That might be the reason.
“Do you think… have Jedediah been coming here to avoid his friends seeing us together? Did he already suspect my feelings?”
“Might have?” Cassius rubbed his neck, perplexed. “Honestly sir, this is rather out of my area of expertise. I suppose if that isn’t it, he might have feelings of his own he’d rather not show off. Really, after The Reese’s Incident it wouldn’t surpri-“
“Thank you, soldier,” Octavius cut in. His heart already ached for Jedediah; false hope would serve none of them. “Your council has been most appreciated. I shall see to it that you are commended for it. For now, I must bid you leave; it seems I have a most important meeting to plan.”
Jedediah was sitting behind his tent when Larry found him.
“Hey Jed, Rexy’s missing yo-“ he cut himself off when he noticed how uncharacteristically quiet the cowboy was. “What’s wrong buddy?”
Jed just shook his head, not even bothering to look up.
“Okay,” Larry said with a decently concealed long-suffering sigh. “Jump on, we’re gonna have this conversation in private.”
An enormous hand was lowered down in front of Jedediah. He was half-tempted to just ignore it, but he also did kind of want to talk to someone. It tore at his heart not to spend this time with Octavius, and the pastor’s words still echoed in his mind, along with every comment he’d ever heard his fellows make about them sexual inverts.
Jed crawled up onto the hand, and silently let himself be carried to the night guard’s office.
“I assume this is about Octavius?” Larry asked, and Jed didn’t even try to resist the urge to bury his head in his hands. Of course he was that obvious.
Larry must have misunderstood the gesture, however. “Or not! Your lives don’t have to revolve around each other, I get that.” He hurried to assure Jed. “So, uhm, how about I stop making assumptions and you tell me what’s wrong?”
Jed nodded, drawing in a deep breath. Eyes still firmly fixed on the desk he was sitting on, Jed told him. “It’s about Octavius.” The sudden short, sharp inhale above him seemed to indicate that the Gigantor was gonna say something, but the silence stretched on, and Jed was grateful. He didn’t need any I knew it comments right now. “We had a- well, I think it might be a cultural difference. Just a, a miscommunication or something. But it hit real close to home, and now I don’t know what to do.”
Jed hated how broken his voice sounded on those last few words, but he felt just as broken, so perhaps it was fitting. There was quiet for a few, long moments, and Jed felt like Larry wanted, but didn’t dare, to say something. Just when he finally took in a breath, seemingly about to say whatever it was, Jed beat him to it.
“What do you think of those, uh, those homosexuals?” Jed asked, pulling his hat down further in an attempt to hide his embarrassment.
That seemed to take Larry off guard.
“Well, I- I mean they’re cool, I suppose. Never gave it too much thought to be honest. One of my cousins is gay, I attended his wedding last year. It was nice. Experimented a bit myself in college, but it didn’t really fit. I still go to Pride every once in a while, just to show support y’know.”
This made Jed look up, equal parts disbelief and careful joy in his eyes. That sounded almost like it was okay, like it wasn’t a terrible sin you would surely go to hell for. It sounded almost like Octavius would be okay, even if Jed had understood his meaning correctly. But then, what if it was Larry who misunderstood? What if it was just wishful thinking? It sounded a lot like wishful thinking.
“Okay, pretend we didn’t say any of that,” Jed said. That topic was still too big and raw to fit comfortably within him, and he didn’t want to lose face completely in front of the giant. Larry might be his friend, but some things were still too personal.
Larry nodded, not seeming to understand entirely, but still willing to go with whatever Jed needed. It made him feel warm, to be trusted and cared about like that.
“What do you do if your best friend is… is maybe making a bad decision. Maybe. Probably bad. Almost definitely. And you don’t want him to be judged, or punished, or, or suffer any of the consequences, but you also… have a hard time telling him not to do it?” Jed asked.
“Well, in that situation I think…” Larry sounded thoughtful, and perhaps a little confused. “Talking to him is probably a good idea. Being as transparent about your thoughts and feelings as possible, and asking him to do the same. Get all the cards on the table, y’know? Then you can deal with it together instead of against each other.”
Jed nodded slowly. That seemed to be genuinely good advice, however hard he found it. Just the thought of it, of telling Octavius that he… maybe he could talk around that. Saying everything else, relaying his worry and his fear, that part would be more than hard enough. God, if he found out he was right, if Octavius was - if Octavius was going to hell, if he cared for Jed enough to risk dooming himself to the endless fire… what would Jed do then? Would he go with him?
For now, he was exhausted. His head spun with worries and fear, but also the relief that comes from having a plan. He needed to talk to Octy, and that in itself made him feel lighter and happier again. The warm joy he always felt when talking to his roman stirred in his gut, and would probably have brought a big, stupid smile to his face, was it not for the still present fear. What did he do if he guessed correctly about Octavius’ feelings? Could they still be friends? Would Jed still be able to repress his thoughts about the roman, even to the slight extent he managed it now? Did Larry perhaps… was there a chance it wasn’t as horrible a sin as Jed had been taught? He had much to think about as he rode on Larry’s hand back to the Wild West.
No point in going to talk to him right now, Jed thought to himself as Larry sat him down by his tent. There’s barely a few hours until sunrise. And besides, maybe I should plan this a bit.
The floor of Octavius’ quarters was strewn with bits of paper, balled up in frustration. He knew he shouldn’t treat it like that, Larry had spent a lot of time cutting pieces of paper into a suitable size for him, and he always valued the nightguard’s gifts. But well, extraordinary circumstances can free one to extraordinary use of resources. At least, that’s what his adopted father had taught him, and his career had turned out ok. For a little while. Besides, the papers’ sacrifice hadn’t been for nothing. After hours of deliberating and writing and crossing out, he’d managed to write a concise list of what he needed to talk to Jedediah about.
- Say he’s immensely sorry for making Jed uncomfortable in the car
- Promise him it won’t happen again
- Question his well-being, so as to ensure no lasting damage to self-image or the like had been done
- Recommence their friendship, if possible, this time working harder to push down his feelings
Looking down at the list, Octy felt like he’d portrayed it almost insultingly lightly. Say he’s sorry? Recommence their friendship? He should count himself blessed by Venus if Jedediah even listened to him. He’d so clearly profoundly disturbed the cowboy with his thoughtless words, he couldn’t expect things to just go back to normal.
But he would try. Gods curse him for a fool, but he would try. Jedediah meant too much to him to let go without at least an attempt at apologizing. Just the thought of never playing fetch with Rexy together again, or bantering over small cultural differences, or trying and failing to eat the enormous snacks Larry brought for movie nights… Juno have mercy but Octavius could barely stand the thought of a week without his- without the cowboy at his side. His whole life, however long that may be? Perhaps it would be a mercy to get lost outside the museum one night.
Of course, there would still be his duties to Rome, and to his men. He couldn’t abandon that because of his personal feelings, no matter how severe. Folding the paper, Octavius stood up and took a deep breath. It was only an hour past sunset, but there was no meaning in delaying the inevitable. Now he only needed a way to get Jedediah to talk to him in priva-
“Sir!”
Octavius’ eyes snapped up to the panting soldier that had appeared in his doorway.
“Cassius?” He furrowed his brow. “What’s wrong?”
“Sir, it’s the cowboy. He’s being very insistent that he needs to talk to you. Wanted to come and get you himself, but I convinced him to let me go. I thought you might-“
“The sentiment is appreciated, soldier,” Octavius answered automatically, his mind racing. Jedediah was here? He wanted to talk to Octavius?! The rational part of him knew it was probably only to make clear that he had crossed a line and their friendship couldn’t remain, that Jed couldn’t spend time around someone like him. But another part was simply overjoyed to hear he was here, that Octavius would get to talk to him. “No need to bring a message back, I shall be with him momentarily. I assume he’s waiting in the car?”
“He actually climbed up. A few of the others are uhm, waiting with him, out on the training grounds.”
Octavius’ heart leaped, though out of anxiety for the conversation or elation that Jedediah was so near, he couldn’t tell.
“Thank you soldier, you’re dismissed,” he said in a hurry, striding out the door with long steps, only just holding himself back from running to the training grounds. He was still a roman general, he had to keep up at least a little dignity.
Dignity damn near flew out the window when he saw Jedediah, radiant as ever, arguing fiercely with the two soldiers waiting with him.
“-damn well visit him when I please!” He heard Jedediah snap, arms flying about, and despite his nerves and Jed’s anger and the soldiers standing in plain view, Octavius had to suppress a smile. Jupiter but he loved that man.
Octavius schooled his expression into something more professional, before coughing politely to let Jedediah and the soldiers know he was there. The soldiers quickly stood up straight and saluted, and Jed… Jed looked almost as nervous as Octavius.
“Hey Octy,” he said, clearly trying for his normal casual charm, but his voice ended up softer and smaller, almost vulnerable. It made Octavius’ heart ache.
“I- I believe we need to talk,” he said, with as much of his usual authority in his voice as he could muster. His men were still there, after all.
“I got the car parked down there.” Jed gestured with a thumb towards the edge of the panorama, and Octavius nodded, signaling his soldiers to relax as he turned and walked with Jedediah.
Jed drove them, in silence, to the best place to be alone in the museum: the rocks and minerals department. Noone lived in here, and so few of the museum’s residents had cause to visit, but it was really quite beautiful. Octavius even found himself forgetting his anxiety for a short moment as they drove under a rock easily twice the size of the car and glittering with purple crystals. By reflex he looked to Jedediah, as if to alert him to the wondrous sight, but the cowboy’s scowl reminded him quite effectively of why they were here.
Jed parked in a corner, and without needing to ask they both climbed out and onto the roof of the car. How many nights had they spend like this, sitting and talking until Jed had to speed through the museum to get them home before daybreak? More than Octavius had cared to count.
Maybe this one would be the last.
Maybe he should count.
It was silent around them, the sounds of the museum seeming so far away as to be unimportant. For this moment, it was just the two of them, and the air heavy between them.
Just as Octavius took a breath in, preparing to start his apology, Jedediah said, “I asked Akhmenrah to make sure no one came in here tonight.”
“Ah,” Octavius responded intelligently, a bit thrown off track. “That was prescient of you.”
“You know you don’t gotta use them big words around me, Octy.” Jedediah cracked a smile, only a little forced, and Octavius returned it.
“In that case, I shall endeavor to simplify my vocabulary,” Octavius responded, purposefully exaggerating his accent.
Jedediah punched him lightly in the shoulder, and Octavius felt his heart swell with affection at the shy smile on the cowboy’s face.
“Jedediah, I’m really sorry for what I said the other night,” Octavius said after a moment of silence. “It was impolite of me, and I deeply regret making you uncomfortable. I give you my oath as a roman general to do my very best never to put you in such a position again.”
“No, I- I’m sorry, Octy. Shouldn’t have reacted like that, it was stupid. I’m sure you didn’t mean anything and I just read too much into it,” Jedediah answered, pulling the brim of his hat down to hide his face like he always did when he was embarrassed.
Sure you didn’t mean anything… did Jedediah think Octavius hadn’t meant it? Did he not know how deeply the roman had fallen for him? Octavius played for a moment with the thought of acting like he had indeed not meant anything suggestive, but then he discarded it. He had never been a good liar, and the thought of lying to Jedediah of all people made his stomach churn. No, he had to be honest.
“Jedediah…” he started, hesitating. “I did mean something by it. That’s what I’m sorry for, other than making you uncomfortable. I do not wish to compromise our friendship, or even worse your well-being, but I do not want to lie to you either. It was a stupid thing to say, but that doesn’t change the truth behind it.”
Octavius looked down, biting his lip uncomfortably and just waiting for Jed’s anger, his sadness, his incrimination. This is it, he thought, this is how I lose my best friend. The only person who have made this plastic heart beat human-like and now I’ve driven him away. The silence stretched on, and eventually Octavius dared to look up again.
He was not prepared to meet Jedediah’s eyes. Their beautiful cornflower blue shone with an immeasurable sadness and fear, though for what Octavius could not tell. However, behind it all, he thought he saw a small spark of hope.
“I don’t want you to go to hell, Octavius,” Jedediah said, voice barely above a whisper and more choked with emotion than Octavius had ever heard him. Including when they watched Titanic.
“Is that…” Octavius frowned, trying to place the word and why it seemed to have such an impact on Jedediah. “Is that what your religion says would happen?”
He had thought Cassius might be exaggerating at least a little. Surely someone as confident as Jedediah Smith wouldn’t let such strange notions govern him.
But Jed nodded, lowering his head.
“The pastor says,” he began in a shaky voice, “that a man lying with a man is an abomination against God, and all who partakes or even imagines such acts will burn for it.”
Octavius felt his heart breaking.
Seeing Jed, usually so loud and vibrant, so filled with joy and life it lit up the world around him like a torch over dark waters, bent down in fear. And for what? For one man who dared speak his god’s will? For a bunch of people who never bothered to question their beliefs!? Octavius believed in many gods, none of them perfect, but surely any that beat down their followers like this did not deserve a single one of those followers in the first place!
Only when he saw Jedediah’s shocked expression did Octavius realize he’d said some of that out loud.
“Ya’ can’t question God, Octy,” Jed said.
“But Larry says your god is all about love! And, and peace and kindness!” Octavius was getting agitated, desperately grasping at what little understanding he had of this ‘Christianity’ to assure Jed that it was alright. “And besides, my gods don’t mind. Most have been with people and gods of their own gender themselves!”
This brought a curious expression to Jedediah’s face, but it melted away again as soon as it had appeared.
“Larry said something like that to me too, “ he mumbled. “I… I don’t know, Octy. The pastor’s always been sayin’ the same things, and they’re not exactly pretty. ‘Sides, no matter what God thinks, none of the guys here would like it much if we… y’know. You didn’t see what they did to poor Stevens, it was before we were friends, but…”
He paused for a moment, allowing Octavius to process what he’d said. There was no one by the name Stevens in the West now, Octavius was sure of it. Jedediah has seen someone die for this, he realized with a jolt of terror. By hands or words, he has seen a man killed for the love I want to give him. Tears welled up in Octavius’ eyes, and he did not try to stop them, but rather let them flow freely down his cheeks. Mourning the man who died, and the freedom of any man like him which followed him to the grave.
“I don’t want that to happen to you, Octy. I care too damn much about you.” Jedediah whispered, voice broken and stained with desperately held back tears.
“I will be alright, Jedediah,” Octavius said softly. “Among my people and under my gods, I will not be judged. But you, Jedediah, how will you fare? Is my affection for you known to your people? Will they think less of you for it?”
Jed sniffed, and he still hid his eyes under the brim of his hat. “It’s less about you and more about… about my own feelings.”
Octavius' heart jumped once again, his breath hitching as he finally understood what Jed had been insinuating, and at once his soul sang and wept. There was love, in that love lay peril. He burned with the need to lean forward and touch his cowboy, to hold his face and wipe his eyes and kiss every inch he could reach, but he held himself back. He would not cross Jedediah’s lines, no matter how sweet a torture it was to see the thing he wanted most in this world presented to him on a silver platter, yet still held just out of reach.
“Jedediah, you feel this too?” He asked, out of breath. He needed confirmation, needed to be certain.
Jedediah nodded. “But it’s wrong,” he said. “I know I’m no angel, but Octavius, this is too much.”
Another tear fell from Octavius’ eye; he wanted so badly to reassure Jedediah, to tell him how wonderful and beloved he was, by Octavius as well as the westerners, but how did he articulate something like that? What words could convince this broken Jedediah, so different from the confident face he showed the world?
“Jedediah,” Octavius began slowly, and it felt like the culmination of everything they’d ever shared, every word and look and subtle touch, every laugh and quiet moment. “Do your brothers not admire the bond forged by fighting side by side?”
“They do,” Jedediah answered, sounding unsure but lifting his gaze to meet Octavius’.
“We saved our home, and the home of hundreds, together.” Octavius paused for a moment. “Does your community not value companionship and loyalty?”
“They do.”
“I swear, I will stand by you to our last sunrise.” Octavius felt his voice grow a little firmer, his resolve a little stronger. “Does your god not revere love?”
“I think He does.” A hint of breathlessness found its way into Jedediah’s voice, like he wished with all his heart to hope, but didn’t dare let himself.
“I love you.”
The words hang in the air for a timeless moment, like dust particles suspended in a ray of sunshine, before Jedediah threw his arms around Octavius with a force that frankly caught the roman off guard. He was quick to wrap his own arms around the cowboy, though, and, after a moments furious internal debate, buried his face in Jedediah’s shoulder.
It was a while, thought neither could say exactly how long, before their grip started to loosen and they both sat back, just a little.
“You uhm… you really mean that?” Jedediah asked, so uncharacteristically shy that Octavius just had to laugh, loud and relieved.
“I do,” he said, stroking a lock of hay-golden hair back behind Jedediah’s ear. “I mean it with all my heart.”
“I uhm… Well, I…” Jedediah stammered, cheeks growing red. “Damn Octy how do you just say that?!”
“Lots of practice thinking it probably helps.”
“Yes, that’s… well, I feel the same,” Jedediah rushed out, his whole face seeming hot enough to fry an egg on. It was unbearably adorable.
“I understand if you don’t want to be public about any of this, but do you want to… I mean, are we… Venus strike me down, Jedediah, can I call you mine and be yours in return?” Octavius was blushing too, now, and it was only the discipline learnt from many years in the roman army that enabled him to hold Jedediah’s gaze.
“I’d like that, pardner,” Jedediah said, his sunshine smile finally returning, and Octavius laughed again from the happiness that bubbled up inside of him, grasping Jedediah in another hug. And then, leaning back just enough that his arms were still around his cowboy’s neck and their faces were mere inches from each other, he let his eyes slip down to Jedediah’s lips.
Today had already exceeded any of his dreams, this reality of Jedediah in his arms was more lovely than he could have dared hope for, and yet…
He didn’t get more time to yearn before Jedediah closed the gap between them, awkward and bold and oh so wonderfully pressing their lips together.
Jed really didn’t want to let go of Octy’s hand, but unfortunately it was nearing sunrise and the car was, once again, parked under the dioramas.
“I’ll come and get you tomorrow, like usual.”
“I’ll be waiting for you,” Octavius, the absolute sap, said with a smile. “I must warn you, though, that my men have apparently had their suspicions about our relationship for a while now, and I doubt this will do anything to dampen them.”
That took Jed a moment to process. “Let ‘em see,” he said then, squeezing his general’s hand. “I hope we can wait a little while to tell my boys, but… let ‘em see. It’s not like they’ll see anything much different than before anyway.”
Octy nodded, seemingly satisfied, and leaned in to give Jed one last kiss before they parted. Jed sighed, in a way he would never in his life admit to, grabbing Octy’s chin and keeping him there just a little longer. The insecurity was still there, the fear of what the other cowboys would say, but after denying himself for so long he felt invincible finally having Octavius by his side, the way he’d wanted to for longer than he cared to admit.
When Jedediah took up his place in the diorama that morning, his eyes rested on the wall to the roman exhibit, and a small, barely noticeable, smile adorned his face. He still felt the looming presence of the pastor in the church doorway, but he knew they could handle it.
Together.