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Absence

Chapter 7: Prison Break

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text


 

It’s a recurring dream – one he’s had since the moment he first realised his feelings for Sakura were more than what one felt for a simple teammate.

 

In these dreams she’s always with him, holding his hand or nestled in his side or leading him somewhere, walking with him through nondescript streets ignoring the crowds of faceless people around them, or jumping from tree branch to tree branch while hissing snakes pursue them, or running through battlefields dodging grotesque monstrosities.

 

Their destination never matters, but it’s a journey he makes with her night after night, with a singular goal in his mind: Sakura needs to be protected, he needs to keep her safe. From Itachi, from Orochimaru, from nameless monsters and villains, and most of the time, from himself as well.

 

As a child, whenever Sasuke would tell his mother about any dream he had while sleeping, she would always ask him if it was a good dream or a bad dream. If it was a good dream, they would talk about it; he would tell her any and all details that he could remember, if anything made him happy during his dream.

 

But if it was a bad dream, he wasn’t allowed to talk about it, because talking about bad dreams could make them come true. If he woke up in the middle of the night because of a bad dream, he was supposed to turn to his left side and say a little prayer to ward off the bad spirits, and during the day he would throw water or rice over his left shoulder. That was what his grandmother taught him.

 


 

Sasuke wakes up from another one of those dreams – this time, it was his hand that had slashed a kunai through her pale throat, the same hand that he doesn’t have anymore – turns to his left side, takes a few deep breaths and murmurs the words of prayers he was taught as a child.

 

He gets up, gets dressed and leaves his bedroom to find Yamato waiting for him outside in the hallway, ready to take Sasuke to the training ground for his sparring session with Sakura. She’s spent the last couple of days since she came back from her short mission running around the village, reassigning shifts at the hospital and cramming last-minute study sessions with Yamato, Tsunade, and Kakashi.

 

Even though Sasuke had told her to postpone their training to when she returned in a month from her exams to the village as a freshly minted Jonin, Sakura had been adamant on keeping her promise with him when she’d met him for dinner last night. It’s still an hour before sunrise and the streets are dark and empty when Sasuke and Yamato leave the apartment and head towards the training grounds.

 

There’s a small pit of unease inside him that keeps growing the closer he gets to the training ground, as his emotional outburst in front of Naruto a few days ago repeats inside his head. Even though they ended on amicable terms that night, and even though Naruto has been his usual preppy self whenever he’s been around him since then, Sasuke can feel some tension between them that he doesn’t know how to overcome or navigate around.

 

The tension and unease abate a little when he finally reaches Training Ground Three and sees Sakura already there waiting for him. There’s a tiredness in her eyes that doesn’t diminish even as she greets him brightly from her place in the centre of the training field and waves at them to join her.

 

“We can still do this after your return, Sakura,” he calls to her when he sees her tugging on her gloves. Injecting some levity into his voice, he continues: “I changed my mind. I’d rather spar with a Jonin than a mere Chunin.”

 

He is rewarded with her tinkling laughter.

 

“It’s too late to chicken out now, Sasuke-kun. I promise to go easy on you!”

 

The mischievous smirk that she gives him makes warmth bloom across Sasuke’s face and neck, or perhaps it’s the humidity of the early morning that makes him feel heated all of a sudden. She drops into a fighting stance with her feet spread apart and her fists raised and beckons to him with her fingers, eyebrows raised in a challenge.

 

He can hear Yamato grumble from beside him, something about babysitting teenagers as the old captain places himself in between them. Getting into his own stance, he nods at both Yamato and Sakura; when Yamato gives the signal, their spar begins. But not in the way he’d anticipated.

 

All playfulness disappears from Sakura’s face as she holds her fists in front of her body to block herself. Because of time constraints, they had previously decided on sticking to Taijutsu only, but she doesn’t throw the first punch and instead waits and stands her ground, rotating in place keeping her eyes on him while he circles around her. He’s so used to seeing Sakura charge headfirst into fights that he’s thrown off-guard for a millisecond.

 

When he finally charges at her she deflects and jumps back; he charges at her again and she blocks and spins away from him. He throws jabs and kicks and uppercuts her way and she blocks and deflects and defends all his hits, but doesn’t strike back. Even when Sasuke increases the speed and power behind his attacks she parries and swivels and stays on the defensive.

 

This uncharacteristic dance of avoidance annoys and frustrates him quickly, and he cannot understand what her angle is here; if she means to tire him out like this they could be stuck sparring the whole day, but they can’t do that because she has to leave for Suna tonight.

 

“You need to attack me if you wish this to end quickly. I have a lot more stamina than you; I can do this all day, if that’s what you want.”

 

If he expected her to smile or falter or change her strategy, he is sorely disappointed, because she jumps even further away from him and taunts him back with her hands still raised.

 

“And you need to pin me if you wish to win against me, Sasuke-kun.”

 

He flash-steps behind her just as she’s finished speaking, hoping to catch her off guard, but she’s quicker than him once again. She’s been training in Taijutsu with Rock Lee for a long time, Sasuke remembers with mounting annoyance, as another round of their dance commences. She’s hyperaware of him at all times, it seems; he grabs and reaches and pulls, tries to hook a foot under her knee to trip her but she counters all his moves, and Sasuke finds himself regretting his decision to not use any weapons or chakra based jutsu against her.

 

It’s so unlike her, this way of sparring. Sakura is a close-range fighter; she needs to make physical contact with her opponents and land actual blows in order to win, but here with him, she’s done the absolute opposite. Minimised their contact to blocking with her forearms and springing away from him and dashing to the far side of the grounds whenever he gets too close to her. Like she wants him to chase her but not catch her. It’s looks less like training and more like she’s playing with him, extending their session.

 

It wouldn’t be so bad to keep up this dance of sorts with her if they both didn’t have other things to do in the day. She still needs to get ready to leave, and he needs to head to work in an hour, and he’s pretty sure that Naruto is planning some kind of last-minute party for Sakura somewhere.

 

When forty-five minutes pass and none of them relents and stands down, Yamato declares their match a tie and puts an end to their training because he has to report to the Hokage. The older ninja is gone in a poof of smoke, leaving Sasuke and Sakura alone in the training fields, sweaty and panting and catching their breaths.

 

Sakura plops down on the grass gracelessly, pulls out a canteen from somewhere on her person and takes a large swig of water from it. Sasuke folds himself neatly next to her on the cool grass and tries hard not to look at the pale column of her neck and the way her throat bobs when she swallows. The same pale throat he had slashed with a poisoned kunai earlier in his nightmare.

 

When she offers her bottle of water to him he politely refuses. They sit in silence side by side breathing deeply, watch the circular disc of the orange sun visible through the thick tree trunks that surround the training ground rise higher and higher until it breaks the canopy of the trees in the distance and emerges from the shadows to light up the whole sky.

 

When several minutes pass and Sakura doesn’t say anything, Sasuke turns his head slightly to look at her.

 

She’s flushed pink and shining golden from the light of the rising sun, perspiration resting like dew drops on her skin, rose hair askew, chest heaving, nose red, forest eyes dripping twin streams as she stares unblinking at the sunrise.

 

As if in slow motion, or like wading through a thick, dense fog, his mind conjures up some words to describe the scene that his eyes are witnessing.

 

‘She’s breathtakingly beautiful. And she’s crying.’

 

Before he realises what he’s doing, Sasuke grabs her arm and pulls her close, breaking her out of the trance she’s trapped in.

 

“What’s going on with you, Sakura? Why are you crying like this?”

 

Blinking rapidly trying to rouse herself from her stupor, Sakura quickly wipes at her face and smiles weakly at him.

 

“I’m sorry, Sasuke-kun, I didn’t mean to get emotional like this. It’s just that...” She trails off, unable to hold his intense gaze. He moves his hand down her arm to clasp her hand and squeezes it gently, silently urging her to keep talking.

 

“It’s silly, really. I’ve never been away from Konoha for this long, and I just realised how much I’m going to miss seeing the sun rise above the greenery of our village.”

 

He’s shaking his head because he can feel somehow that this isn’t the whole truth. There’s something else going on with her that she’s been keeping from him. To what end, to spare him from what, he doesn’t know that yet. But before Sasuke can grill her further, Sakura twists her hand in his grip to intertwine her fingers with him and looks at him through wet eye lashes, and all rational thought flies away from him.

 

His attraction to her is undeniable. He’s been falling for her for a long time despite trying his damnedest hard not to. He doesn’t think he’ll ever stop falling for her, not if she keeps looking at him like that, damp eyes half lidded, cheeks wet, and reddened mouth slightly open. When he brings his gaze back to her eyes, he sees that she’s been looking at his lips.

 

It would be so easy to kiss her; the thought occurs to him slowly on tentative footsteps.

 

They’re already leaning into each other, breathing the same air sitting on the grass holding hands, their thighs nearly brushing together. A small tug on her wrist and she would fall into him, and he could let her know without fumbling with his words how he feels about her, about them, how much he’s going to miss her when she’s gone, how he’s going to count down the days until she returns to the village, to him.

 

He exhales slowly, gathering courage, but the simple shift is enough to cause Sakura to flutter away like a startled sparrow. She quickly releases herself from his hold and scrambles away from him to stand up, wiping her face and dusting her clothes. He stands up as well and looms over her.

 

“Sakura – ” he starts as he steps closer to her, but stops when she backs away from, clearly embarrassed and uncertain, unable to meet his eyes.

 

“I’m sorry,” she apologises again, “I lost track of the time. I was supposed to meet with Shizune-senpai, and I have to escort you as well. Let’s leave now, Sasuke-kun.”

 

She doesn’t wait for him to follow and leaves the training area at a quick jog. He stands in the field by himself feeling a myriad of emotions pass over him – confusion and a little hurt and a lot of foreboding – before he leaps away and catches up to her. They’re both completely silent on the way to the market district.

 

On the doorstep of the shop, he stops her before she leaves.

 

“I’ll see you tonight before you leave.”

 

It’s not a question. He knows she won’t leave the village without saying goodbye to him.

 

“Of course, Sasuke-kun.”

 

Her smile is small but at least it’s real. She nods once and leaves him standing at the doorstep staring after her.

 

The pit of unease inside him has turned into a deep ravine, dark and possibly bottomless.

 


 

Sai is the one who finally tells Sasuke what’s been going on with Sakura, but by then it’s already too late.

 

There’s a restlessness to the artist-nin while he escorts Sasuke from his work back to their apartment after lunchtime. Old man Shu has given him the rest of the day off, on account of this being the day the Konoha delegates leave for Suna for the Jonin exams.

 

They jump from rooftop to rooftop in sync with each other, avoiding the crowd and the hustle and bustle on the streets below. Sai keeps glancing at Sasuke every now and again like he wants to say something. But it isn’t until they’re back inside the living room of their apartment that he actually says anything.

 

“Sakura – ” the older boy starts, but then stops, and it’s almost comical the way he keeps opening and closing his mouth, like he’s at a loss for words.

 

For all the time that Sasuke has known him, Sai has never been one to hesitate; he’s verbose and blunt and to-the-point and severely tactless. This uncharacteristic nervous energy makes Sasuke apprehensive as well, but he doesn’t say anything and waits for Sai to gather his thoughts.

 

“You met Sakura this morning for your training session.”

 

When Sasuke nods in affirmation, Sai only continues pacing the floor of the living room, slowly shaking his head. Outwardly, Sasuke appears calm and collected as he leans back on a couch, but inwardly his mind is on high-alert, waiting in desperation for Sai to make his point.

 

“Tell me what’s going on, Sai.”

 

Sai finally sits down in front of Sasuke on one of the arm chairs and fixes his dark passive gaze on him. Without preamble, with all the subtlety of a Tailed-Beast Bomb, Sai delivers his news.

 

“Sakura will not return to Konoha after the Jonin exams are finished. She’s been chosen by the Hokage’s new council to be stationed in Suna permanently as the symbol of a lasting alliance between Suna and Konoha. Before the start of the Jonin exams, there’s going to be a celebration announcing the engagement – ”

 

Sai is still speaking, but Sasuke is trapped in a vacuum, unable to hear anything else but a sharp whistling sound that reverberates and echoes as if it’s coming from inside him. All of his thoughts and senses are focused on that one word – engagement – as snippets from several of his previous conversations with Kakashi rush around him one by one.

 

‘The first Hokage of Konoha was advised by his council to seek alliances with powerful ninja villages through political marriage.’ ‘The war might be over, but Konoha is still on thin ice when it comes to the relationships between the shinobi villages.’

 

Konoha needs allies, long-lasting ones whose interests don’t change over time due to wars and shifting geo-political scenarios.’ ‘A vast majority of the Village Council has been pushing towards family-based alliances.’

 

‘Sakura is a proud kunoichi of the village of Konoha and knows all about her duty and role to the village.’ ‘As the leader of this village, it is my duty to consider anything that might be potentially beneficial for our collective future.’

 

The ringing in Sasuke’s ears has turned into a full-blown roaring, the sound of acres of woodland burning, engulfed in inextinguishable black flames of hell. Fire is all he sees, as he recalls Naruto and Sakura’s behaviour these past few months, the secrecy, the avoidance, the hesitance, the constant back and forth travelling between Suna and Konoha, the Kazekage’s presence in their village so soon after the war.

 

And he wonders how Naruto could let this happen to Sakura. Sakura.

 

He’s on his feet and nearly to the door before Sai stops him with a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Let go of me, Sai. I need to speak with Naruto.”

 

Though he is grateful to Sai for being more forthcoming than anyone else has been to him, he doesn’t feel very charitable at the moment. The artist-nin doesn’t comply and shakes his head.

 

“You really need to listen to the full report before you jump to conclusions, Sasuke.”

 

Sai speaks in his usual calm, monotonous tone, and it is a sign of the ever growing trust between the two that Sasuke allows the older boy to lead him back inside the living area, though he keeps standing and signals to Sai to explain.

 

“It’s all a ruse, a ploy to keep the Village Council off of Sakura.”

 

The idiot should have started with that, Sasuke thinks with irritation. He was fully ready to pluck Sakura and Naruto from wherever they were in the village and escape with them to some far away land, consequences be damned.

 

“A ploy?”

 

“Although Kakashi-San’s intentions were noble when he made his new village council and gave seats to several significant clan-heads – in a bid to have diversity and to give voice to the people – he couldn’t have predicted how the people will choose to act and behave. There are loud factions within his council that are adamant on going back to the old days, the glory days of the First and the Second Hokage, and to them, alliances through political marriages is one way of getting back that glory.

 

"Because of Sakura’s standing with the current Hokages and Naruto, as well as her internationally renowned status as a War Heroine, she is the first and obvious choice of the council to be used this way, for a treaty of alliance with another shinobi nation.”

 

‘Used – there’s that word again,’ Sasuke thinks bitterly to himself. Assets, that’s what they all are to the village, and that’s something that may never change.

 

“What’s the ruse then?”

 

“The alliance treaty that will be signed during the Kage Summit in Suna will be real; the engagement between Sakura and the Kazekage will be a ruse. The plan is to keep Sakura away from the village and out of the Council’s sight until this whole thing blows over. Because if it’s not the Kazekage, it will be someone else, and Sakura’s name will keep popping up as the most eligible kunoichi Konoha has to offer. Kakashi-san has already refused several similar arrangements on Sakura’s behalf.”

 

Sasuke scoffs in disbelief at that.

 

“It’s not a very good plan if it means that Sakura will be stuck in the Sand Village engaged to the Kazekage for an indefinite amount of time, unable to return home until Kakashi’s council comes to its senses.”

 

In essence, she’s being exiled so she can be safe from her own village.

 

Sai nods his head.

 

“I confess that I also disagree with this turn of events. At the moment though, Kakashi-san, Naruto and Gaara-sama are all in agreement that this is the best way to protect Sakura.”

 

It’s not right, Sasuke seethes, unable to keep his temper at bay.

 

“Why don’t the council members use their own sons and daughters as offerings in these alliances they so desperately seek?”

 

The answer comes to him on his own just as the words leave Sasuke’s mouth. With a sickening feeling, he realises that this is why Kakashi had wanted Sasuke on his council, because Sakura needed someone in her corner.

 

As part of a very small and relatively new clan, there was no one to speak on her behalf, to keep her away from the Council's eyes, the way they had protected their own children. She was the easiest and most convenient candidate for many reasons. Sasuke could have been that support for her, if only Kakashi or Naruto had been more forthcoming to him.

 

Anger and dismay and feelings of hurt and betrayal and regret flood him. He walks around the room and finds a seat, trying to process all this information overload. He senses Sai taking a seat next to him, and once they’re both settled, asks in a tight voice.

 

“Why didn’t any of them say anything to me? Why keep all this away from me?”

 

Sai is silent for several seconds, which tells Sasuke that his artist friend is preparing a speech inside his head. Taking a deep breath in, Sai starts speaking.

 

“When I became a part of Team Kakashi, the first thing I learnt about Naruto and Sakura was how protective they were of you, Sasuke. You were and still are the most precious person to them, and they go out of their way to accommodate you and your needs as best as they know how to. Even Kakashi-San, loathe as he is to admit it, has done his fair share of keeping you at peace, giving you back some semblance of normalcy, something they feel you didn’t have before.

 

“In doing so, they have sheltered you from a lot of the problems that they have been facing, because they don’t want to burden you, because your ‘healing’ and getting you back to the way you used to be is more important to them. Because they’re afraid of losing you again.”

 

It is very unsettling for Sasuke to hear these words spoken by Sai, though he knows he cannot deny the truth in them. Naruto, Sakura and Kakashi have been extremely accommodating of him since his return to his village of birth, trying their best to rehabilitate and assimilate him back to what they think is good for him, even though most of the times all he wants is to leave this damn village and never return.

 

It’s disturbing and insulting as well for him to know that Sai can see the fault in this way of behaving, the way his old Team Seven teammates treat him like he’s made of glass, like he will break and disintegrate into a million tiny pieces at the slightest of inconveniences – even if that’s exactly how he feels several times a day on any given day of the week.

 

It’s humiliating to be read like that, like a loose cannon, and Sasuke feels like having an emotional breakdown right at that moment just out of spite.

 

But it’s not about him anymore – if it ever was about him to begin with. Naruto was right: Sasuke had spent so long looking inward that he had failed to see his friends struggling in front of him. Thinking himself as trapped inside a whirlwind, powerless, without any control over his fate, when Naruto and Sakura were just as stuck as he was, perhaps even more.

 

But he had asked them both, hadn’t he? And they had been unwilling to share their burdens with him, even after he had asked them multiple times.

 

“Why did you tell me all this, Sai? Naruto and Sakura clearly didn’t want me in their loop.”

 

Sai smiles his patent blank smile at him, though it’s fairly subdued in intensity.

 

“As Naruto and Sakura’s friend, I understand where they’re all coming from, even though I don’t share the same history with you that they do. But I’m your friend as well, Sasuke, and I can see that by keeping you away from their problems, they’ve also taken your choice away from you. Your choice to support and help them in return.”

 

Sasuke’s own smile is brittle, a half formed thing that barely crinkles the side of his mouth and doesn’t reach his eyes.

 

“I guess I’m just not a trustworthy person.”

 

His spar with Sakura and the short moment they had shared afterwards seems so far away now. If Sasuke had known back then, that he might not see her again for a long time, would he have done something differently? He wonders now.

 

“Your self-pity at this hour is unwarranted and unnecessary; it does not help anyone. Only a handful of people know about this. I myself learnt about this plan while I was on my mission with Sakura last week, and I debated for a day after returning whether I should inform you of this plan or not.”

 

“I’m not sure how knowing this ‘grand plan’ at the last moment changes anything or benefits anyone.”

 

“Perhaps not. It is up to you what you do with this information. At the very least, you have the chance to have a proper farewell with her.”

 

If it were up to Sasuke, he would never have to say goodbye to anyone, especially not Sakura. The utter unfairness of life hits him once more and all he feels is bitterness and a slow simmering anger. At himself and at Naruto and Sakura and Kakashi, and this damn village that keeps taking and taking and taking from all of them.

 


 

The sun has set behind the Hokage mountains a while ago; the silver disc of the moon hangs low in the sky above the rooftops of Konoha. Its a full moon tonight, perfect for night-time travel.

 

She finds him on the rooftop, like he knew she would, leaning against the guard rails on the low parapet wall, looking over the dimly lit skyline of the village.

 

“Hi, Sasuke-kun.”

 

Her greeting is soft, tentative. He grunts in response and casts a cursory look her way, noting her ninja attire and her calm and collected demeanour, then looks away. She still has a few hours left in Konoha before they leave for Suna, but she’s already prepared. Battle-ready.

 

“I was looking for you downstairs, but you weren’t there. Sai told me to find you here.”

 

People have been coming to their apartment to see Sakura off and wish her luck for the upcoming exams. The atmosphere downstairs is jovial and lively, over flowing with party balloons and bubbling drinks and sugar-sweet baked goods and confectionery, a combined effort by Ino and Naruto. It’s stifling.

 

“It was too crowded for me. I needed some air.”

 

She hums in understanding and moves to stand next to him, her hands coming up to grip the metal railing lightly.

 

Just like earlier in the day, they spend several quiet minutes side by side, looking at the moon slowly climbing higher in the sky and bathe the rooftops and treetops in it’s silvery light. She’s the one to break the silence, predictably.

 

“Sai also told me that you know about Kakashi-sensei’s plan to have me stay in Suna for the time being.”

 

‘That’s one way to say it,’ he thinks sullenly. ‘For the time being’ can mean anything from eighteen to twenty-four months, according to Sai’s estimate. Until some of the younger clan heads like Shikamaru and Ino take their seats and are able to sway the Council’s decisions.

 

“Yeah, I know it.”

 

Still staring straight ahead, Sasuke replies in the affirmative. He can feel her looking at him from the side, but he keeps his gaze resolutely forward, focused on a distant point at the horizon.

 

“They think it’s the best course of action, for now.”

 

He dips his chin slowly but doesn’t say anything. Whether he agrees with it or not doesn’t matter at this point.

 

A few more moments of silence pass between them before Sakura speaks again.

 

“I also wanted to tell you that I’ve set up your appointment with Tsunade-sama at the hospital. She will contact you within a week or two at the most to start some trials for the prosthetic.”

 

“Okay.”

 

He doesn’t want to be this way with her, terse and clipped and brief. But indifference and detachment have always been his choice armour, have helped him keep a lid on himself whenever he has felt his emotional dam on the verge of bursting. If he doesn’t keep himself in check, Sasuke is afraid that he might end up exploding on Sakura, the way he did on Naruto a mere handful of days ago. And she shouldn’t have to see him that way, not when she’s about to leave him.

 

His whole day has been spent thinking about Sakura and all their recent interactions to the point of madness, and it pains him to admit to himself that Sakura has kept herself at a careful distance from him ever since his return to the village, masking her true thoughts and feelings towards him. For his sake or her own, he doesn’t know.

 

It’s been one step forwards, two steps backwards with them, just like their spar earlier in the day. They come together and then spring apart without making any meaningful connection. Not in the way he wants, and he suspects that Sakura wants as well, to some extent. But his past behaviour towards her has done irreparable damage to their relationship. Even as ‘just friends.’ To the point that Sakura would rather leave the village and be fake engaged with someone else than share her burdens with him.

 

Clarity and understanding are bought at the cost of happiness; he would’ve preferred to stay blissfully ignorant than miserably aware of their situation.

 

“Are you angry at me, Sasuke-kun?”

 

She’s turned towards him fully to face him. Sasuke glances at her once, sees the confusion in her eyes, then looks away.

 

“I don’t think I have that right.”

 

“Of course you have!”

 

With her hand she holds his arm by the sleeve and tugs at it until he turns to face her. Her confusion has turned to concern. Even now, when her life is about to be drastically changed, she cannot stop being worried for his well-being. It’s suffocating, being constantly coddled like a toddler.

 

“You’re my friend, you’re allowed to be angry if that’s how you feel.”

 

Friends, teammates, family, bonds – Naruto and Sakura love to throw these words around a lot, he thinks.

 

“I don’t see any use of being angry at something you’re obviously resigned to.”

 

Concern becomes hurt at the callousness of his tone as her eyebrows narrow and her mouth turns downwards, the first chink in her armour, but she recovers quickly and morphs her features back to those of gentle concern, still touching his sleeve with her hand.

 

“Why are you being like this?”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Pretending that you don’t care about what happens to me.”

 

“Isn’t that what you want from me? That I shouldn’t concern myself with you or worry about you?”

 

As gently as he can, with slow movements, Sasuke turns his arm and slips himself out of her grip. She’s shaking her head, unable to understand him, and maybe Sasuke doesn’t know why he’s behaving this way either. He’s always been reactionary that way. Bitterly, he reminds himself that he will have ample time to over think and analyse and examine this interaction from every angle after she leaves.

 

“I want you to be honest with yourself, and with me.”

 

Irritation flares inside him at her demand. The nerve of her to ask for his honesty, when she’s been keeping a lid on herself all this time. He’s fucking livid, incensed, like he could burn a hole through the sky and bring it all down upon them, end it all for them, and it still wouldn’t be enough to sate him. But he clamps his rage down as best as he can. With pursed lips and an intense glare, he replies.

 

“What about you? Can you be honest with me too? About how you feel right now?”

 

‘About me, about us,’ he wants so desperately to ask that. But he doesn’t. It’s not about him.

 

When she doesn’t answer immediately, Sasuke straightens and looks away from her, back to the rooftops of Konoha and the half dozen ANBU that he can sense stationed on those rooftops around them. The moon isn’t their only witness tonight.

 

A sharp intake of breath, and when Sasuke looks at her, he sees real emotion on her face – not rage or anger, the way he feels, but not resignation either. Something closer to bitter determination. He’s managed to peel apart some of her armour, and when she starts speaking in slow measured words, still attempting to hold onto composure, he hangs on to every one of those words.

 

“You think I’m resigned to this arrangement, but that’s not how it is. I’m angry too. I worked hard to get to where I am. I broke my bones, and spilt my blood and crushed myself down to the marrow to be able to accomplish all that I did, all that I’m still doing and that I want to do. I don’t enjoy being treated like a trophy to be handed over to the most promising bidder. I hate being treated like this.”

 

She’s gripping the hand rails tightly now as Sasuke listens to her, entranced, enraptured, enthralled by her honesty.

 

“But there’s a time for fighting, and there’s a time for tactical retreat. I trust Kakashi-sensei and Naruto and Gaara-san. I know that they will find a way to get me out of this mess.”

 

‘Gaara-san.’

 

The spell is broken momentarily.

 

When Sasuke thinks of the Kazekage, he remembers the monster that attacked Sakura with sand, nearly crushing her to death. Four years have turned that monster into Gaara-san. He wonders what two more years will do.

 

He shakes his head vigorously to rid himself of those thoughts. He had promised himself that he wouldn’t think about that, not now, not when she’s about to leave. Tentatively, he steps closer to her, sliding his hand along the railing until they’re side by side, their shoulders touching, their hands barely an inch or two apart.

 

“What about me, Sakura? I could have helped you too. Why didn’t you say anything to me?”

 

When she turns her head sideways to look at him, he implores with his eyes as best as he can to not give him that same old excuse, about not wanting to be a burden, not wanting him to bother himself with her.

 

Somehow, his plea passes through to her. With trembling lips and blinking eyes, she admits, finally.

 

“Because I’m not over you, Sasuke-kun, and I didn’t want my feelings for you to get in the way of our friendship. I didn’t want you to help me because you thought you owed me something in return for my devotion to you. Please don’t say anything,” she cuts him off when he tries to reply, covers his hand with her smaller one, and he stills.

 

“Being around you is hard and confusing for me. It’s not easy to pretend that you have no effect on me. You still do, and I don’t like feeling this way anymore. Like I have no control over myself.”

 

There isn’t any fight left in him anymore. He stares at their connected hands and waits for her to deliver the final blow.

 

“I think that this, being away from each other for some time, would be for the best for both of us.”

 

Time and distance, that’s what he had told Naruto and Kakashi, hadn’t he? Of course they must have told Sakura about Sasuke’s plans to leave the village; they liked to do that, talk about him behind his back and discuss the best way to deal with him. Not only is he an utter fool, but he is also a hypocrite.

 

He was planning on leaving Sakura (and Naruto and Kakashi and everyone else in this village) behind, wasn’t he? Expecting for things to get better for him once he returned. Expecting Sakura to wait for him. He wanted honesty from her, and yet he still hadn’t come clean to her about his decision not to use the prosthetic that the Fifth was working on.

 

There was zero trust between the two. Only an abundance of confused feelings with a heaping of attraction that led nowhere.

 

“It’ll be okay.”

 

Sakura says, and he gives a non-committal hum. They stay side by side watching the moonlit sky in silence with their shoulders touching and their hands clasped tightly together. Until Naruto comes and takes Sakura downstairs because it is time for them to leave.

 


 

Later, much later, Sasuke lies awake in his bed unable to sleep. This entire day feels like it’s one long never-ending marathon of a bad dream, one he cannot wake up from.

 

And Sasuke wonders what was the use of not telling anyone about his bad dreams, if it ended up coming true in the end any way.

 

 


 

Notes:

Well, this was a heavy chapter to write 🥲

I sincerely hope I left enough bread crumbs in the earlier chapters for Kakashi's "Fake Engagement Plan" to not come as a total surprise to my readers 🤡🤭

If there's something, anything that doesn't make sense, please don't hesitate to ask, and I will try my best to explain things.

Not sure how many people are still reading this. Please leave a comment if you liked reading this chapter and would like me to continue with this story. Let me know if there's anything you liked reading as well 💕

Beta read by the amazing Alicestka

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