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Buck was learning to love green smoothies. And kale salad and organic almond milk and burgers made from black beans. What he wasn’t learning to love was keeping his hands off his dick, or his dick in his pants. Connor and Cameron had asked him to be their sperm donor over a month ago, and ever since he had agreed to help them out, he had been meticulous about clean eating and clean living. That meant cutting out alcohol, caffeine, red meat, and sex until his swimmers made that very important journey into a little plastic cup. No one actually told him he couldn’t enjoy the company of a lovely partner (or more often just himself these days), but in his mind it made perfect sense. Save up for a rainy day, so to speak. Even if that rainy day kept getting postponed.
His first appointment at the fertility clinic was scheduled for just a few days after his conversation with the future parents. With Taylor out of the picture and no one else hitting up his phone late at night, he was honestly glad he didn’t have to explain his sudden vow of abstinence to anyone. But due to an unforeseen string of scheduling mishaps and clinic closures, he was now nearing a full month without a single orgasm. He hadn’t gone this long without one since…well, since he discovered orgasms.
At first it had been challenging. On day two of his commitment to the cause, Buck was still painfully aware of how a tattooed man with large biceps carrying a six pack of beer out of the 7-11 made him wonder what the inside of the gas station bathroom might look like. On day three, he was definitely not looking at the woman in skin-tight pastel leggings and a sports bra standing in front of him in line at the café because he was headed to work and would rather not explain his half-chub to his coworkers. But after four whole weeks of resisting temptation, it was like his sex drive started to go dormant after being intentionally ignored for so long. Buck had become a regular saint, a godly man, an enlightened being that no longer fell prey to the earthly sins of the flesh. Or so he told himself.
What he didn’t account for was his own unconscious brain sabotaging him.
Buck could fall asleep anywhere, but he loved his own bed the most. The memory foam mattress, the silky soft sheets, the big fluffy comforter that was really more for coziness than warmth since Los Angeles wasn’t exactly the arctic. It was all designed to send Buck off to dreamland in minutes.
That evening ended just like any other as Buck climbed the stairs to his loft and fell asleep under the cool sheets of his beloved bed. At least he could’ve sworn he fell asleep in his own bed. But now instead of his bedsheets, there was a plush velvety fabric pressed against bare skin as he laid on his back. He could feel the seam where two cushions met underneath his shoulder blades. A couch then, he decided. He must’ve fallen asleep on the couch. But he didn’t have a couch anymore, so this couldn’t be his apartment. His body started moving against the cushions beneath him, but he wasn’t the one controlling the motion. There was a weight on top of him, keeping him pinned to the cushions and sliding against him rhythmically.
The body above him started to take shape as Buck discovered he could move his own arms. He reached up to touch warm skin: the broad expanse of a well-muscled chest with a scar on one side, powerful shoulders, and a head of hair just long enough to run his fingers through. Buck kept one hand softly gripping the hair to maintain some sort of anchor point. The heat of the body enveloping him was more intense than anything Buck had felt before. And the sense of closeness was just on the right side of overwhelming, not only physically, but also the way Buck could somehow sense this person’s every thought, every emotion along with his own. It made the pleasure radiating from where their hips connected all the more intense, and he started moving his body in matching rhythm.
Were his eyes closed? Or maybe it was too dark to see? The desire for sight was apparently all it took for his brain to grant him that wish, and suddenly the face above him came into focus. Dark brown eyes met his own, and Buck’s vision roamed over the soft yet strong features that he recognized instantly. It was a face so familiar that the shock of seeing it in this context didn’t even register as strange. Eddie grinned down at him, sweat beading up at his temples, and he started moving against Buck with even more purpose. Buck kept one hand in Eddie’s hair and moved the other down his spine until the muscles of Eddie’s ass were flexing under his fingers.
Buck’s commitment to abstinence was nowhere in sight. All he could think was more more more. He had forgotten how good it felt every time they did this- wait, every time they did this?
And now Eddie was kissing the familiar spot under his jaw that drove Buck crazy but Eddie had never kissed him before, had he? Now that he really thought about it, Buck was certain they’d never done anything like this before. He would definitely remember if they had done this before, wouldn’t he?
So why did it feel so familiar to him in a way he couldn’t explain? Sure, the nakedness might be new, but everything else felt normal, or rather like a heightened version of their normal. The intense intimacy of this interaction had certainly played out between them before, albeit in a much less sexual scenario.
Fuck, this is finally happening was all his brain could supply before-
He woke with a start to find a wet spot soaking into his boxers. His breathing was rough, and he was still fucking horny despite the come he could feel sticking to his thigh. Normally when he woke up after a sex dream, his first instinct was to find a Pornhub video that matched whatever fantasy he had been dreaming about and get off again. But not this time. No, he couldn’t this time. Not only was he disappointed in himself for breaking his month-long dry spell, there was no way he should be encouraging those thoughts about Eddie. Or about anyone who remotely resembled Eddie, what the fuck. Eddie was his best friend, his coworker, his coparent (but don’t parents usually- his traitorous brain started to ask).
As far as Buck was aware, Eddie was a very straight man who would absolutely be uncomfortable if he found out Buck had thought about him like this, even if it was completely out of his conscious control. (So what if in the past Buck had had one or two stray thoughts about what it would feel like to have Eddie’s hands wrapped around his waist, pulling him close or pushing him against a wall? It always stopped there because Buck really tried not to cause himself more emotional damage than he already had.)
Eddie had been nothing but supportive when Buck revealed that his dating history included both men and women, but he’s not naïve enough to think that his support has no limits.
However, a teeny tiny part of him knew that he didn’t just feel guilty about imagining Eddie in such an explicit scenario. He felt guilty because he wanted exactly what the dream had offered; he craved the feeling of being so close and connected to another person that he trusted completely. That was the only thing Buck every really wanted, the only thing he kept chasing in his romantic relationships and coming up short. And the strangest thing was that crossing that line with Eddie in his dream had felt so natural, just a progression of the love and trust he already felt towards his friend. Cool, very cool and chill of his brain to taunt him with things that were completely impossible to have. Excellent, in fact.
He couldn’t bring himself to get up out of bed to change into clean underwear, so he just peeled the ruined ones off under the covers, used them to wipe off the mess, and tossed the fabric in the general direction of his laundry basket to deal with later. He was too keyed up to sleep and felt vaguely empty, like without the weight of someone else’s body holding him down he might float away. Trying to ignore the growing feeling of loss flooding his post-orgasm brain, he tapped his phone awake and watched a video about migrating birds to lull himself back to sleep.
***
He woke for the second time that morning, this time to his alarm ringing directly in his ear after having fallen asleep with his phone laying on his pillow. As he fumbled to shut it off, the memories of the night before moved like shadows through his mind and he decidedly didn’t look at them. His first order of business was a shower where he let the hot water wash away any remaining guilt or desire that might have stuck to corners of his mind, as well as the evidence that had dried on his skin. He arrived at the firehouse nearly thirty minutes before his shift started and changed into his uniform alone. It’s not like he intentionally left his apartment early to avoid meeting anyone else in the locker room. The traffic was just light, that was all.
Buck headed upstairs to the firehouse kitchen and tried to occupy his mind with putting together some breakfast for himself. He was working very hard to convince himself that he could do this; he could get through the day without thinking about his dream and how Eddie’s very fit, very warm body felt pressed against- nope, that’s enough of that. He tried focusing on regaining some of the zen-like composure he’d developed over the past month. He could absolutely act normal around Eddie, yes he could. He was sipping on a hot mug of green tea (decaf of course; despite his body’s act of defiance in the middle of the night he was still determined to maintain his clean living during waking hours), and cooking up a mean omelet with egg whites and grilled peppers when Eddie came up the stairs into the kitchen.
“Hey Buck!” Eddie said cheerfully.
Buck’s heart did a little skip like he was in middle school and his crush just walked into the classroom. Maybe this wouldn’t be as easy as he hoped.
“Morning,” Buck replied without making eye contact and tried to focus on not burning his eggs.
Eddie walked right up behind him and stuck his face over Buck’s shoulder, checking out the food on the stove.
Please, for the love of god, walk away. I can smell your aftershave and I’m trying so hard to be normal about you right now.
“Whatcha cooking? I’m starving.”
“My breakfast. If you’re hungry, I’m sure you can find yourself some cereal around here somewhere. You do know how to pour milk into a bowl, right?” Buck tried for a light teasing tone, one he would use any other morning that he hadn’t woken up to a stupid sex dream involving his best friend.
“Hey!” Eddie whined. He grabbed Buck’s mug off the counter and took a retaliatory swig. His face immediately screwed up as he realized his mistake. “Ughh this is not coffee. This tastes like grass. Or ass. I can’t decide which one is worse but that’s what this is.”
“That’s what you get for stealing other people’s food,” Buck laughed brightly. Joking with Eddie felt somewhat normal, like how he felt before his brain decided to sabotage him overnight. Okay. He could do this.
“Mhmm, whatever.” Eddie set to work fixing himself a cup of coffee. “Hey, did I tell you Christopher’s going to visit my Abuela this week? It’s his spring break and it’s been awhile since they’ve spent time together. Chris is really excited about it, and I’m just hoping Abuela can keep up with him now that he’s practically a teenager.”
Buck nodded as he remembered Christopher talking about the visit over dinner at Eddie’s house last week.
Eddie continued, “Do you want to come over and watch the game at my place tomorrow? Since you still don’t have a couch?”
Buck’s heart started pounding faster than it had any right to. Just Buck and Eddie. Eddie and Buck. Sitting on Eddie’s couch. No one to interrupt them for hours. Buck should absolutely say no. He might be able to make it through the day in a firehouse full of other people and endless work to do, but the thought of being alone with Eddie? His dream wasn’t even a full day old yet. No reason to torture himself like that so soon.
“Yeah, sure, sounds good.”
What the actual fuck was wrong with him?
Buck spent the morning trying not to think about- well, anything really. At first he tried to keep a careful distance from Eddie. But that started to feel weird and forced, like he was trying so hard not to think about Eddie that that’s all he could think about. Buck had never before catalogued the number of times he and Eddie were in physical contact throughout the day, but now it was all he was focused on. Shoulder to shoulder as they listened to Bobby’s daily announcements, a hand on the back to let the other one know where they were when maneuvering heavy equipment on the scene of an accident, a tap on the arm during conversation to emphasize a point. Buck started to lose count, even though he felt a small thrill every time it happened. He also realized that he could do all these things without Eddie suspecting anything, which somehow made him feel more alone. Those brief touches in no way satisfied his craving for the closeness in his dream. He felt electric, unsettled, and too warm all day.
As the sun rose near end of their twenty-four-hour shift, Eddie asked again, “You’re still coming over to my place tonight right?”
Buck hadn’t been able to think of a single good excuse not to go, and if he was being honest with himself, maybe he hadn’t tried very hard.
As soon as he got home, Buck took a well-deserved nap, but no cruel dreams taunted him in his sleep. This time sleep was like a palate cleanser and he was feeling refreshed and significantly more clear-headed as he drove over to Eddie’s.
I’m just going to hang out with my friend. Eddie is my friend. We’re just gonna watch the game like two regular dudes. Two regular dudes who don’t think about each other naked. Now I’m thinking about him naked. Fuck. So much for keeping a clear head.
Buck parked his Jeep in front of Eddie’s house and took a deep steadying breath before he hopped out and walked up the driveway. His knock on the front door was met with a muffled “It’s open!” and he let himself in.
“Hey,” Buck nodded at Eddie as he appeared around the corner. The tv was already playing the sports channel in the background.
Eddie smiled that goddamn warm smile that made Buck’s insides churn. “I’m glad you’re here. This house is too quiet without Christopher.”
Latching onto the topic, Buck asked, “So is he living it up at your Abuela’s?” He sat down on the bench in the entryway to untie his shoes.
“Oh yeah, he’s pretty much already forgotten about me. And I just know she’ll be spoiling him so bad all week long. He’s not going to want to come back home.”
Buck smirked, “Nah, he’ll be back just to complain about your cooking.”
“Speaking of which, we should order some food. What do you want?-”
You. NO, stop it.
“-we could do pizza, wings, or that new Italian place that claims their alfredo sauce will make you see god?”
I want YOU to make me see god. Jesus fucking christ, get it together.
“Actually I was thinking we could order from Sweetgreen’s? I think I just want to get a salad and some grilled chicken,” Buck shrugged, like it didn’t take all of his mental capacity to form a coherent statement.
Eddie groaned, “Oh come on, you know that whatever you eat during the game doesn’t count against this insane health kick you’ve been on lately. You’re allowed to have a cheat meal once in a while.”
A cheat meal. Was that what his dream was? Buck suppressed the shiver that ran down his spine at the thought.
“Besides,” Eddie continued, oblivious to Buck’s brain momentarily short-circuiting, “you’ve been spending all that extra time in the gym lately, so it’s not like one night will set you back.”
Buck stood up and threw a slow punch towards Eddie’s gut and a right hook towards his shoulder as Eddie held up his own fists in a mock defensive stance. They both pulled up short of making contact.
Buck cleared his throat, “Well I’m ordering from Sweetgreen’s, you can order whatever you want.”
“Fine, you win this round. Order two of whatever you’re getting. But I’m also having day-old pizza and I’m not sharing any of it with you.”
Eddie opened the fridge to grab the leftovers. “You’ll at least have a beer with me though, right?”
Buck shook his head. Alcohol was definitely a no-go, for multiple reasons.
“No thanks, I’ll stick with water tonight.” He hoped Eddie will leave that one alone.
Eddie shrugged and grabbed a beer for himself. Buck was relieved he didn’t push.
By the time their delivery order arrived, the game had already started. They sat in the living room, food spread out on the coffee table in front of them, and Buck staunchly ignored the fact that this was the same couch with the velvet cushions from his dream. Luckily for Buck, tonight’s game was so exciting that he actually lost himself in watching it for a bit. He ate his salad and yelled at the players and let all other thoughts drift from his mind. However, during one particularly thrilling play Eddie started motioning at the tv so aggressively that Buck could feel the movement through the couch cushions. It was instant déjà vu and Buck was thrown back into his dream with Eddie on top of him, moving their bodies together as one. He desperately tried to refocus on the game, but he was now hyper-aware of how close their elbows were, how Eddie’s fingers wrapped around the neck of his beer bottle.
When the game ended (Buck barely registered who won), they left the tv on as they cleaned up the remnants of their dinner. The commentators and replays faded into the background as they brought everything back into the kitchen. An unexpected sense of loss started to settle on Buck’s chest as he realized the evening was almost over. He had some trepidation about being here tonight, but now he didn’t want to leave. He just didn’t know what else he could reasonably do to prolong his stay. He couldn’t blame alcohol for not being able to drive himself home tonight. He was still buzzing under his skin and tried to think of a way to recreate some of the emotional closeness from his dream. He hadn’t told anyone yet about his decision to help Connor and Cameron, and this felt like the right moment to share that news. Or at least it felt like the kind of news that would focus all of Eddie’s attention on him.
“Hey, just so you know, I’m not on some crazy health kick to be in great shape or whatever.” He was nervous, why was he so nervous?
“Oh yeah?” Eddie started putting their cutlery into the dishwasher. “So what’s it about then?”
“Did I tell you I went to lunch with my old college buddy, Connor, the other day?”
“Yeah, I remember you mentioned that a while ago. How was it? Did you guys reminisce about all the trouble I’m sure you got up to?”
“Not exactly. Actually, Connor’s wife Cameron was there too. I never thought he’d be one to settle down, but hey, people change.” Buck briefly thought about all the not-settling-down he and Connor did, sometimes with other people, sometimes together. That wasn’t important right now though.
“It was actually kinda crazy, uh, he asked me- uh,” now that he was on the edge of saying it, he wasn’t sure what to say. “So like, they’ve been trying to have a baby for awhile now, but it hasn’t worked out for them yet. Connor said it’s his issue, not Cameron’s.”
“Damn, that’s rough. But also kind of personal information to tell a guy you haven’t seen in years, isn’t it?” Eddie replied. “Hey nice to see you again, by the way I can’t knock up my wife?”
“Well if you think that’s personal…” Buck trailed off.
Eddie looked up from the dishwasher.
“They asked me to be their sperm donor.”
Eddie’s face was a mixture of amusement and disbelief.
“Are you being for real right now? Usually I can tell when you’re joking, but sometimes…”
“Yeah, see that was my response at first too! But then Connor said a lot of really nice things, and they’re both really sure they want this, so I figured I’d help them out. It’s not like I’m gonna be the one carrying it around for nine months. It’s a one-and-done deal for me.”
“And now you’re eating healthy to…look good for Connor’s wife?” Eddie questioned, like he was trying to connect the earlier part of their conversation but coming up short.
“No! It’s not like that-”
“You’re sure they weren’t just asking for a threesome? And you took it way out of context?” Eddie deadpanned.
Buck let out a laugh. “Yes, I’m positive. I know what that conversation sounds like, believe me,” Buck kept talking and ignored the way Eddie’s eyebrows nearly met his hairline. “This is strictly a medical procedure at a fertility clinic. It’s all totally above board. I’ll be in a room by myself, and then- afterwards- the doctor will take my donation and then- well I don’t actually know the exact procedure but they’ll do something with it to make a baby. So I’ve been eating right and avoiding things like processed foods and caffeine and alcohol to make sure my donation is as healthy as possible.”
Eddie shrugged like he still couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing, “That makes sense, I guess?”
“I want to give them the best chance I can, you know? This means a lot to them, so it means a lot to me too.”
He may have started this conversation with the intention of using his secret to create a sense of intimacy, but now Buck found himself caring about how Eddie would respond to the news itself.
Eddie’s tone was unexpectedly soft, “For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve always been someone who gives everything you have in order to help people. If you feel like this is the right decision, then I support you one hundred percent.”
A pleasant, tingly feeling expanded in Buck’s chest and radiated down to his fingertips.
Okay, that’s great, I told him about a big decision in my life and he supports me and now it’s time to shut up.
Buck’s mouth kept talking, “The healthy diet isn’t so bad- “
Shut up
“-I think I actually have more energy than usual-”
I swear to fucking god
“-But the greasy food isn’t the only thing I’ve been abstaining from- you know, to make sure I have enough gas in the tank, so to speak.” Buck wiggled his eyebrows provocatively.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Eddie snorted, then frowned as he started doing the mental math. “But you’ve been on a health kick for like a month now. So are you saying you haven’t…this whole time? Goddamn.” Eddie leaned back against the counter and crossed his arms. “I mean I guess that’s easier now that you don’t have a girlfriend anymore, right?”
“Yeah,” Buck drew out the word, “but sometimes I can’t help it though.”
“What do you mean, you can’t help it? Like you’re some animal who just has to bone to survive,” Eddie replied sarcastically.
“No,” Buck said slowly, like he was explaining something that should be obvious. “Like when I’m sleeping, my body finds ways to get what it wants.” He knew his face was turning red, and he already wished he could backtrack this conversation to avoid answering any questions that were bound to follow that statement.
“Oh really? Who are you having sexy dreams about? Felisa Valdez? I have to admit, seeing her face covered in pink wax looking like a giant piece of bubblegum really did it for me too,” Eddie joked.
A comical image of the jinxed movie star during one of their recent calls popped into Buck’s head. “Oh yeah, it’s totally about her,” Buck laughed, glad that Eddie had better sense than he did to keep it light and steer them both out of dangerous waters.
Their conversation wandered onto less sensitive topics as Eddie wiped down the counters and Buck tied up the trash bag to take out to the garbage. The sense of loss that Buck felt at the end of dinner had mostly lifted and been replaced by a soft warm glow as he looked at Eddie’s smiling face. This kind of comfortable companionship had to be better than any dream, he thought. God, how fucking stupid would it have been to admit his fantasy out loud and risk losing this. There were just some things he had to learn to live with, or rather live without.
As Buck got ready to depart, Eddie walked him to the door. “Hey Buck, seriously, thanks for telling me about the whole donor thing. I know that’s a big deal for you. I hope it works out. I guess? I’m not really sure what’s appropriate to say in this situation.”
“My appointment is Tuesday morning, I’ll let you know how it goes.”
“Oh, no thanks, I really don’t need to know specifics,” Eddie waved his hands, shaking his head.
Buck could have fun with this, as long as they’re both joking it was totally safe. “But don’t you want to know how I-”
“Nope! I can’t hear you,” Eddie exclaimed with his hands covering his ears.
“But Eddie, you have a kid! So clearly you know how-”
“Excuse me, but my child was brought down from the heavens by a stork, so I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Buck couldn’t think of anything better than hearing Eddie’s fake exasperated voice, especially when it was directed at him.
“But-”
“Goodnight Buck,” Eddie pushed him out the door, trash bag in hand, a fond grin on his face.
***
At work the next day, Eddie was acting weird. That was the only word for it. Buck offered him a bite of his avocado toast (now feeling generous with his food after letting Eddie in on his secret) but Eddie declined with the excuse that he already ate. Buck had never known him to turn down free food. But hey, maybe avocados just weren’t his thing (except Buck knew that wasn’t true because he literally always paid extra for guac.) Eddie wasn’t able to meet Buck’s eyes, staring just to the left of his ear whenever he was talking to him. He jumped when Buck slapped a hand on his shoulder and brushed off the offer to hit the firehouse gym together. Overall, Buck concluded, weird. He thought maybe it had to do with their conversation the previous night but Eddie had seemed totally normal when Buck left. He had even texted Buck a picture of a melting King Cone ice cream held in his fist with a little dribble of vanilla running down over his knuckles, and the caption “More for me” before Buck got home. Buck had opened the message while waiting at a red light and if he sat there staring at the image long enough for a car to honk at him after the light turned green, well that was nobody’s business.
It was a pretty slow shift as far as emergencies go. They only got a few calls which gave Buck a chance to get some real sleep in the bunks. With any luck, he would finally make it to his appointment at the fertility clinic as soon as it opened the next morning, and as he drove there after work he could finally see the light at the end of a very long tunnel. Maybe after he got his orgasm privileges back, things could return to normal. The main problem, as Buck saw it, was that right now his most recent sexual memory involved his best friend, but a few random hookups should wash that right out of his head and he could go back to living in the real world, not some unrealistic fantasy. Right? Somehow the idea wasn’t as comforting as it should be.
The receptionist at the front desk explained that there were magazines and DVDs in the room for him to choose from. It would’ve been easy enough to just use his phone, but Buck felt like somehow this was more true to The Experience, in capital letters. As far as adult entertainment went, it was all pretty basic stuff. Nothing too violent, nothing too kinky. As he scanned through the titles, he vaguely wondered whose job it was to buy porn for this place. He was a little surprised to find a small collection of gay porn, but opted instead for a video titled “Single dad fucks hot blonde babysitter.” After so many weeks in anticipation of this moment, it was an unsurprisingly short time until he was on the verge of coming. As his climax built, his mind drifted away from the blonde chick getting railed by a faceless man on a white leather ottoman. In the heat of the moment, he didn’t blame his brain for conjuring thoughts of Eddie grinding his hot, sweaty body down against Buck’s, pressing him into the couch cushions, sucking a mark on his neck. Maybe whispering some shit into his ear that made Buck’s toes curl. Buck couldn’t be held responsible for whatever his mind supplied for him in that state. He wasn’t even really thinking about it, more like watching it play back on a screen behind his eyelids. That was all it took to push him over the edge.
He almost forgot to aim into the cup.
Buck was feeling loose and satiated as he got into his Jeep. He also felt strangely cleansed, like now that both his sleeping and waking selves had gotten off to thoughts about Eddie, he could move on. He should be able to move on. Yep, that was absolutely what Buck was going to do. No reason to dwell on this anymore, he was moving past it all.
And just to prove how much he was moving past it all, he sent Eddie a short text.
Buck: drinks tonight?
While he waited for a reply, he remembered that he never found out why Eddie was acting so strange at work the day before, and suddenly Buck felt slightly embarrassed. What if Eddie was struggling with something personal and Buck was acting like he didn’t even notice a change in his demeanor? Would that make him seem like a bad friend? But since when did Eddie not share everything with Buck? At least not since he found him in a state of panic on the bedroom floor after putting holes through his wall.
When Eddie replied quickly, Buck took it as a good sign.
Eddie: I’m guessing it went well.
Buck: you have no idea
He added a winky face, water drops, and the tongue emoji.
Eddie sent back a skull and crossbones.
Eddie: I still don’t wanna hear about it.
Eddie: Let’s go to Bosco’s. Drink deals on Tuesdays. Meet there at 8?
Okay, that was normal, right? Maybe Buck was just imagining things yesterday. It seemed like Eddie had forgotten about whatever it was, and Buck certainly could too.
The sports bar was less than half full on a Tuesday night without a major game to draw crowds. Buck went in for a half-hug handshake and a slap on the back. After they parted, he said, “Don’t worry, I washed my hands.”
“Dude, gross.”
Buck’s face split into a blinding grin, “Oh man, I am so ready to get shit faced tonight!”
Eddie blew out a breath. “Same.”
“Why, what are you celebrating?”
“Not celebrating- you know what? Never mind. Come on, there’s a good spot down there at the end of the bar.”
They started with a few beers before moving onto harder liquor. Given his newfound freedom to get as plastered as he pleased, Buck was finding it increasingly difficult to keep his hands off Eddie. He wasn’t normally a handsy drunk; he usually remembered how to respect other people’s boundaries even when he was feeling loose and uninhibited. But Eddie’s forearm laying across the bar felt big and warm and more muscled than Buck remembered. And it took him some time to realize that Eddie wasn’t doing a damn thing to move his arm away from Buck’s grip. In fact, he was very deliberately leaving his right arm laying there under Buck’s hand while using his left hand to sip his drink. It was totally and completely fine, it was just like being at the firehouse or hanging out at home. Buck touched him all the time. Not that he touched him, god. And why were Eddie’s eyes and lips and nose so big? Oh wait a minute, no they were all normal-sized, Buck was just leaning in very close to Eddie’s face. He rocked back slightly on the bar stool and things came into better focus. He seriously needed to rein it in before he did something he would very much regret. Why did he think it was a good idea to celebrate his return to the world of drinking with someone he had trouble controlling his thoughts around while sober?
Amidst these hazy thoughts, Buck was also very aware that they were in a public place, in a sports bar no less, and his drunken mind registered that he probably should be careful how he acted here, and not just to save face with a coworker.
He removed his hand from where it was tracing patterns onto tan skin, and Eddie just stared with slightly glazed eyes down at his own arm.
It felt like they had just sat down, but then the bartender was announcing last call and whoa had they really been here all night already?
“Hey, Eddie, Eds. Can I crash at your place tonight? Cuz like… I can’t drive and it’s- can we split an Uber? My house is too far, ‘s expensive as shit to ride out there, so can I just stay with you? I mean can I sleep with- I mean can I sleep at your house?”
Eddie seemed unfazed by the jumble of words coming out of Buck’s mouth. “Yeah for sure, you want me to call the Uber? I’ll call the Uber, okay, I’m gonna call it, yeah.” From the sound of his voice, Eddie was about as sober as Buck right now. Which was to say not at all.
Eddie struggled with focusing his eyes on his phone screen but eventually got their ride set up. Buck settled their tab and they walked outside to wait. The drive back to Eddie’s house drained most of the fire from Buck’s veins and replaced it with a strong desire for sleep.
“I’ll jus’ be here if you need me,” Buck said pointing at the couch and falling face first onto it as he attempted to kick off his shoes unsuccessfully.
“No shoes in the house, c’mon, you know the rules,” Eddie followed Buck into the living room. He tried to tug Buck’s remaining shoe off but lost his already precarious balance and fell forward onto Buck, partially crushing him.
“Oof!” Buck exclaimed as the air was knocked out of his lungs. They both started laughing loudly, but Eddie didn’t make any attempt to climb off of him. After a minute they quieted down and then Eddie was just staring at Buck’s mouth.
“I wanna tell you something,” Eddie said. “But I think it’s a bad idea because I’m pretty fuckin’ drunk.”
Buck felt Eddie’s voice vibrate through his body where their chests were pressed together.
“No, it’s not a bad idea, you should tell me. I wanna know,” Buck nodded.
Eddie rolled off Buck to sit on the floor with his back against the front of the couch. He tipped his head back against the seat cushions and looked up sideways at Buck still laying on the couch, eyes slightly unfocused.
“I had a dream the other night,” Eddie started, “after you told me about your baby-making.”
Buck felt the same heat start to pool in his abdomen that he had felt earlier that morning in the clinic.
“What kind of dream?” he said quietly.
“I can’t tell you, it’s embarrassing.”
“You already know I jerked off into a cup today, what could be more embarrassing than that?”
“I can’t tell you because you were in the dream too and we were-“ Eddie rubbed his hands over his face like he was trying to erase the memory playing behind his eyelids.
“Eddie, did you have a sex dream about me?” Buck asked incredulously.
“Maybe, yeah. Fuck, why did I just say that? You weren’t supposed to know that.” Eddie’s face looked mostly horrified, but also like he was waiting for Buck’s reaction.
Buck was suddenly much more awake. He wasn’t sure he was processing Eddie’s words correctly, but he was still too drunk to dissect them, so he just said the first thing that came to mind.
“Well that’s a hell of a coincidence because that dream I had? The one I told you about? It was about you. It wasn’t about some actress chick, it was about you.”
“Jesus christ.”
“Yeah.”
For some reason, Buck’s mouth continued saying more words. “And then, since we’re being honest here, I thought about that dream again when I was at the clinic today. I thought about how you felt-“ he poked a finger at Eddie’s shoulder, “moving on top of me-“ he brought his hand back to his own chest, “and that was all it took for me to get off. Fuck, now I’m saying things you definitely shouldn’t know about.”
“Show me.”
“What?”
“Show me what you did at the clinic when you were thinking about me.”
Buck’s stomach dropped through the floor and he must have been imagining things, right? Eddie did not just say-
“You want me to jerk off? Right here?”
Eddie sat up straighter and met Buck’s blue eyes with no reservations.
“Yes.”
He should say no. He should say this was a bad idea, possibly the worst idea, that they would regret this entire conversation in the morning.
“Yeah, okay.”
Buck’s fingers somehow managed to find his belt buckle and unzip his jeans. He palmed himself experimentally over his underwear. Despite his drunken state, his dick already decided it was on board at the beginning of this conversation.
Buck pulled down his elastic waistband just enough to get his hand around his cock. He dragged his fist up and down the length while maintaining eye contact with Eddie. Eddie seemed frozen in place. He wasn’t doing anything, not touching Buck, not touching himself. Just staring. Looking back and forth between Buck’s hand and his face.
For the second time today, Buck knew he wasn’t going to last. He didn’t know how long he’d been at it because time was passing in a very strange way with Eddie’s eyes on him like this. When Eddie spoke for the first time since he started, his voice was rougher than Buck had ever heard it.
“You’re so fucking pretty like that.”
It took just a few more strokes for Buck to spill over his hand with a soft whine. As his breathing started to slow, he became instantly and painfully aware of what he’d just done.
Eddie’s eyes were wide and he seemed to have the same realization because he muttered, “I’m just gonna go- um, right, okay.” He rose up off the floor, pointing in the general direction of his bedroom.
“Yeah, ‘night.” Buck heard the bedroom door close in the distance.
For a minute he thought he might throw up, but the alcohol and the drop in endorphins rendered Buck unconscious before he could think too much about what had happened.
***
The curtains in the living room were wide open and the first rays of morning light streamed in, hitting Buck squarely in the face. He could feel his pulse in his eyelids, and he swore he never got hungover like this when he was younger. He squinted his eyes open just enough to register where he was. The room came into focus and he laid there unmoving as he listened to the sounds of the house. He could hear the sprinklers’ bright ch-ch-ch outside and the clock ticking softly in the kitchen, but the rest of the house was silent. Before he could think too much about it he zipped up his pants, slipped his shoes on, and padded quietly to the front door. The cold air on his face outside woke him up enough to call himself a ride home. He downed a half-empty bottle of water on his nightstand before passing out again, head pounding.
For the next two days every time Buck’s phone lit up with a new message, his heart threatened to escape his ribcage until he read who it was from. So far, the only texts he’d gotten were from Maddie (a reminder about Jee’s birthday party next week), Chimney (telling him to please text Maddie back, she thinks he forgot), and Connor (a very grateful if slightly awkward thank you, promising he’d let Buck know when they heard back from their doctor.) Nothing from Eddie. To be fair, Buck wasn’t reaching out either. What the hell was he supposed to say?
That Buck was a horrible person who took advantage of his best friend when he was under the influence? Buck felt that the weight of the whole ordeal fell squarely on his own shoulders. Who brought up sexy dreams in the first place? Buck. Who told his friend about his self-imposed masturbation hiatus? Buck. Who admitted to using his friend as his own personal spank bank? Buck. And who took his actual dick out right in front of his best friend’s face and proceeded to get off in the middle of his goddamn living room? Motherfucking Evan Buckley. Just because Eddie had made a joke about wanting to see him do it. Because it must’ve been a joke, right? Buck knew he’d had enough alcohol that night to have easily missed the sarcasm that must’ve been heavy in Eddie’s voice. There’s no way Eddie had sincerely asked to see him do that. Eddie wasn’t interested in men, but he knew Buck was, which probably just made the whole thing worse.
So by Buck’s own reasoning, it was up to him to mend fences or build bridges or whatever saying applied to this situation. Although he wasn’t sure they’d invented a saying for this particular type of fucked-up yet.
By the third day, he knew he had to break the silence and say something. Literally anything. He’d be seeing Eddie at work tomorrow and it might be uncomfortable as hell, but it would be even worse if they didn’t talk about it beforehand.
It took him about twenty minutes before he composed something he was comfortable sending.
Buck: hey, I’m not sure what you remember about the other night but I didn’t mean to make things weird between us. I crossed a major line and I swear it won’t ever happen again. I’m so sorry.
He expected to wait a long time for a reply, or not receive one at all, but to his surprise three little typing dots appeared on his screen almost immediately. They disappeared and reappeared back and forth for about a minute before-
Eddie: Can I come over?
That wasn’t the response Buck was expecting at all.
Buck: yeah I’ll be here
Buck spent the next thirty minutes imagining the worst possible things Eddie could say to him, as if Buck thinking of it first would make it hurt less coming out of Eddie’s mouth. He knew his therapist would probably disapprove of this coping mechanism, but that didn’t stop him from imagining the disgusted look on Eddie’s face when he would inevitably tell Buck he didn’t ever want to see him outside of work ever again. That he fucked up their friendship and Eddie couldn’t trust him anymore. That Buck knew Eddie wasn’t into dick and he basically used him without his consent and it was super gross and he can never look at him the same way again. Buck practiced keeping his own face neutral in every scenario.
There was a knock at the door. When he opened it, he expected to see Eddie looking angry or embarrassed, but he looked…apologetic? That couldn’t be right. Buck hadn’t prepared for anything less than repulsion.
“Hi,” Buck said quietly. “Come on in,” Buck backed away from the open door and walked into the kitchen. He made sure to leave a significant amount of space between them, aware that Eddie was probably feeling extremely uncomfortable simply by being in his presence. “I’ve got coffee, water, if you want anything…” he trailed off awkwardly.
“No, thank you though,” Eddie replied, strangely formal. “I probably won’t be here for very long.”
Right, just rip off the bandaid.
Eddie took a few steps into Buck’s apartment, shoulders tense. “I just needed to say this face to face before we’re surrounded by other people at work tomorrow.”
Here it comes, just like Buck imagined. His heart was racing as he braced for impact.
“I am so sorry for what I did to you the other night.”
Wait, what? Buck should say something, but he was quite literally at a loss for words.
Eddie continued, “I don’t even know why the fuck I did that. I was pretty drunk, but that’s not a good excuse. I knew that you were drunk too, and now you probably think I took advantage of you, which I take complete responsibility for and I’m so fucking sorry I put you in that position. I didn’t mean to pressure you into doing something you didn’t want to do. I’ll understand if you don’t want to be around me anymore.”
Buck’s brow was furrowed and his mouth agape. So much for a neutral expression then. He finally recovered his ability to speak.
“I didn’t do anything I didn’t want to do,” he started by changing Eddie’s words around and repeating them back because what he just said didn’t make any sense. “You think you pressured me? Fuck, I’m the one who started this whole thing by telling you about being a sperm donor and- and everything else that happened after that. I’m the one who took my dick out that night, I’m the one who basically sexually assaulted you.”
“That can’t be how you see it.”
“Um yeah, it is. Because that’s what happened.”
“Buck, I literally told you to expose yourself while you were drunk,” Eddie hissed.
“No, you asked me to show you, and I did. I never felt pressured at all.” He was being completely earnest right now because he needed Eddie to understand. The idea of Eddie feeling guilty about hurting him made Buck’s heart fucking ache because it just wasn’t true.
Buck hated that he had to say this next part, but he didn’t want to leave anything unspoken right now. “Look, I know you’re not into guys, so that like automatically makes what I did super weird and predatory.” He scratched the back of his neck and he could feel his ears turning red.
Eddie blinked and glanced down. “It didn’t feel that way to me. Please believe that.”
This was not at all how Buck was expecting this conversation to go. He said everything that he wanted to say, and yet Eddie was still here. And somehow not mad at him. He hadn’t stormed off or slammed the door in Buck’s face yet.
Eddie just pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. “So we both think we were the creeper in this situation? Does that mean that somehow neither one of us was?”
“Like it cancels itself out? I…guess that could sort of make sense?”
“Okay, okay that’s good. Then we’re good, yeah? Nobody got hurt and we can just pretend the whole thing never happened?” The relief in Eddie’s voice was palpable.
Now that the pressure of being some kind of predator was lifted off Buck’s shoulders, he wasn’t entirely sure that he wanted to forget how it felt to have Eddie’s eyes on him like that. But he could go along with whatever Eddie wanted now; it was better than the alternative that he’d been expecting.
“Pretend what never happened?” Buck said, his smile not quite reaching his eyes.
Eddie pointed two finger guns at him. “Exactly.”
Buck expected him to say goodbye, wave, and excuse himself from this incredibly awkward conversation, but clearly Buck was shit at guessing what Eddie was going to do today because he just kept standing there. His hands dropped to his pockets and he stared at a particularly captivating spot on Buck’s ceiling.
“Just hypothetically speaking, if anything like that were to ever happen, it would probably be the hottest shit I’ve ever seen. Just hypothetically, of course.”
Buck needed a neck brace for this whiplash. Luckily the sarcastic part of his brain was still working, so he replied with, “You really don’t get laid much, do you?”
Eddie let out a single, wavering laugh, “Shut the fuck up, I’m leaving now.”
“What? I’m just calling it like I see it.”
Eddie flipped him off happily with both hands as he backed out the door.
***
Speaking of getting laid, Buck found himself pulling his shirt back on in a stranger’s apartment later that evening.
“You leaving already, sweetheart? I thought we could smoke for a bit and go for round two,” Hairy Chest said.
“That does sound tempting, but I really should get going. Early shift in the morning,” Buck tried to look apologetic.
“You a nurse?”
There hadn’t been much in the way of conversation when Buck first got there, obviously.
“Nah, I’m a firefighter. LAFD.”
“Damn, I don’t think I’ve ever fucked a firefighter before.”
“Well technically,” Buck emphasized the word, “you still haven’t.”
Hairy Chest rolled his eyes, “I’m too lazy to come up with something clever about riding your pole.”
“Trust me when I tell you I’ve probably heard it before. Save yourself the trouble.” Buck finished buttoning his pants and grabbed his keys off the table. He was increasingly aware that this maybe wasn’t the fix he was looking for, and the sooner he left the better. He was starting to feel lonely again, like he did when he woke up after that stupid fucking dream, even with another person’s sweat still drying on his skin.
“Alright,” Hairy Chest looked mildly disappointed, “I’m glad you came over though. It’s not often that someone’s hotter in person than in their profile pic. You’re really fuckin’ pretty, you know that?”
Another voice echoed in his head, You’re so fucking pretty like that.
Buck absolutely had to leave right now.
***
Over the next few weeks, things miraculously seemed to go back to normal. There was no awkwardness lingering between them, no hesitancy in their brief touches or lack of inappropriate jokes that had Bobby rolling his eyes at them. It was just a thing that had happened. A thing that happened between two friends who were simply very good friends and could move past inconsequential things like that. Buck felt like he had flown closer to the sun than any human had a right to do, and somehow came away unscathed. He should feel relieved and grateful, but when he didn’t feel either of those things, he learned how to induce selective amnesia.
But sometimes- only very rarely- sometimes Buck caught Eddie looking at him when he didn’t think he was looking. Eddie always schooled his face into a bored expression when Buck met his eyes, or turned to look out the window of the engine as if he had just been scanning everyone’s faces and just happened to meet Buck’s glance at the same time.
And so Buck would return a neutral expression right back, but a tiny locked away part of his brain would whisper unhelpfully, he knows what you look like when you come, and then his stomach would drop like he missed a stair.
But aside from those infrequent slips, once Buck stopped actively trying to forget the events of that night, the whole thing sort of faded into the background of his consciousness.
Which was why he was completely unsuspecting when he received a text from Eddie at two in the morning while engrossed in a compilation video of The Best of SNL: Chris Farley Edition. He’d been on a weird sleep schedule lately and right now found himself sitting in bed, hovering between feeling tired and unable to fall asleep.
Eddie: Hey you awake?
Buck: depends on how you define awake
Buck: my eyes are open
Eddie: At home or…
Buck: no in a van down by the river
Buck: yes at home
He waited for a response for the longest time, considering that Eddie was the one who texted him first. When the reply finally came through, he wasn’t entirely convinced he wasn’t dreaming again.
Eddie: I know it’s wrong but I can’t stop thinking about that night. I know we’re pretending it never happened but I can’t stop picturing it.
Eddie: Picturing you.
The blood rush to Buck’s dick occurred before his brain had a chance to catch up. He stared at the bright screen with wide eyes in the darkness of his bedroom, willing his brain to form a single intelligent thought. Why would Eddie be telling him this now? It’d been weeks, and Buck assumed that Eddie had completely repressed the memory out of sheer embarrassment. He had repressed the memory too, but for other reasons. But now Eddie was telling Buck that no, actually he couldn’t stop thinking about it and was most likely thinking about it in this very moment. That wild realization sent another involuntary wave of desire through him.
Well if Eddie could swing big, so could Buck.
Buck: are you picturing me right now?
He didn’t have to wait long for a reply this time.
Eddie: Is that ok?
Buck: fuck yes that’s ok
He was only human, so his dick was already in one hand, leaving the other hand free to manage his phone. He wasn’t doing much more than holding himself with a firm grip until he could be certain of where this was going. He would feel like a complete idiot if this was not in fact a mutual masturbation situation and was just Eddie’s way of getting rid of his lingering guilt, confessional-style.
Buck: I’m thinking about it too
Buck: the way you looked at me
Buck: you called me pretty
Buck: that was so fucking hot I can’t believe you said that to me
He was testing the waters, trying to sense the temperature before he dove in headfirst and discovered it was ice cold.
Eddie: I wanted to say more but I was afraid you’d stop. I wanted to touch you too.
Buck: you could have
Buck: I would be 100% ok with that
Eddie: If I was there right now I would.
The waters were hot. The waters were so very hot, Buck felt like he was burning up. His hand started moving in a steady rhythm, boxers pushed down below his balls and sheets kicked off his legs.
Buck: what are you doing right now
Eddie: Same thing as you I hope…
Buck: I’m imagining your hand on my dick
Eddie: Yeah? Tell me how it feels.
Buck: so fucking good
Buck: your hand feels so fucking good on my dick I’m fucking leaking
Eddie: Fuck
Buck: I’m licking your hand and fucking your fist
He found it increasingly hard to type, but the concentration it took him to hit the right letters allowed him to drag the pleasure out for a few minutes longer than if he was alone with his thoughts.
Buck: I wanna suck on your fingers so bad
Eddie: I’m pushing my fingers into your pretty mouth.
Buck pressed down at the base of his cock to keep himself from coming. He was kind of expecting Eddie to play the observer again, encouraging and admiring but not saying anything to involve himself too much. Which was completely fine by Buck, the fact that this was happening at all was better than he could’ve fucking hoped for. So Eddie telling him something specific and explicit like that? Yeah, that was doing wonders for Buck’s imagination.
Buck: you like my mouth?
Buck: I can show you all kinds of things with my tongue
Buck: wanna taste you
Eddie: Fuck I’m so close. I wanna see you come baby.
Baby. Buck had never heard Eddie call anyone that, but he could imagine how Eddie’s voice would sound anyway, all deep and desperate and directed at Buck. Baby.
Eddie: Shit didn’t mean to call you that, ignore that, sorry.
Buck: say it again
Eddie: Wait for real?
Buck: yeah fuck
A few seconds passed where Buck was afraid he crossed some line. Like describing explicit details about how his dick felt in Eddie’s hand was fine, but this? He worried he had just revealed too much of himself and Eddie was definitely going to be turned off by that.
Eddie: You’re so fucking pretty, come for me baby.
And that about did it for Buck. His head hit the headboard as his vision whited out and all he could feel was Eddie’s hand around his cock, Eddie’s fingers fucking his mouth, and Eddie’s voice encouraging him in his ear. Before his dick started to soften and before he could think about whether it was a good idea, he snapped a picture of the aftermath. It wasn’t a great photo, lit only by the flash from his phone. It showed the pattern of his come across his stomach and the lower hem of his shirt where he didn’t pull it up high enough. The shiny head of his cock was visible in the lower part of the frame. He hit send and put his phone face down on the bed so he didn’t have to look at the picture. It was already sent, nothing he could do about it if he decided to regret that decision.
He sat there in the dark, come drying on his skin, mind filled with an empty buzzing and what the fuck what the actual fuck. When he picked up his phone again, he saw a string of messages.
Eddie: Oh my god
Eddie: Holy shit Buck
Eddie: I was not expecting you to show me proof.
Eddie: Fuck I’m glad you did though.
Eddie: I wish I was there with you.
Buck was extremely relieved that the photo hadn’t been too much, made it too real. Especially after the way that Eddie had immediately fled the scene after the last time Buck did this.
Buck: I wish you were here too
He almost added a red heart, but deleted it before hitting enter.
Neither of them said anything for a few minutes and Buck thought maybe that was the end of it, but then his screen lit up again.
Eddie: Can we meet up for coffee tomorrow?
Buck: is that like wanna come up to my place for “coffee”
Buck: or like we should probably talk about this thing that happened again
Eddie: Haha very funny. The second one though.
Buck: yeah I’ll text you when I wake up
Eddie sent him a thumbs up.
***
They met at a small café midmorning and ordered iced coffees to go. There was a park nearby with wooden picnic tables and a duck pond. The LA sun cast a gentle warmth on the spring day, and the ducks chattered in the distance. It was a weekday so there weren’t many people out using the park at this hour. Buck and Eddie settled on opposite sides of a picnic table, condensation from their drinks already leaving rings on the wooden surface.
“So I’m not really sure how this is supposed to go,” Eddie started. “I just figured we should maybe talk about a few things. Sober and in person.”
“See, the first time we had that talk we decided to pretend like nothing happened. That clearly didn’t work out very well.” Buck thought back to the stilted, guilt-ridden, and frankly confusing conversation that occurred in his apartment several weeks ago.
Eddie raised an eyebrow with a small smile, “Clearly.”
Yeah, and remind me again whose fault that was? Not that I’m complaining.
Buck had been contemplating what to say all morning. The more he’d thought about it, the more he couldn’t fully understand why any of this had actually happened. Buck had thought he was the one who needed to control his inappropriate desires around Eddie, not the other way around, and yet when he looked back at both encounters, it was Eddie who had initiated things each time. Why was Eddie actively seeking out Buck for anything remotely sexual in the first place? Buck was very much a man, very different from anyone he knew Eddie had been with in the past. It made no sense considering everything Buck knew about him. So maybe that meant he didn’t know everything…
Buck chose his next words very carefully. “You already know that I’ve- dated- guys before,” that was an innocent word for some of the things that came to mind, but he carried on, “Like you know I’m attracted to men, so that isn’t an issue for me at all. With this.” He gestured vaguely between them. “Not that I’m saying we’re dating!” he added quickly, eyes wide, “I didn’t mean to imply that. It’s just like, what we’ve done together isn’t shocking to me or anything just because you’re a guy. Uh, but as far as I know, it’s maybe a new thing for you?” He didn’t know what else to say, so he just waited and hoped that Eddie would understand what he meant.
Eddie looked off over Buck’s shoulder as he contemplated the half-formed question. When he responded though, he met Buck’s eyes, if somewhat hesitantly.
“It is new for me. You’re not wrong. I’ve never dated guys before,” he threw a slight mocking tone on the word, allowing a small smile to cross his face. “I’ve only been with women, only been attracted to women my whole life, but only to very specific women who I was friends with first. And so I keep waiting for this thing with you to feel weird, but it doesn’t? I mean, the reason I was so bothered the first time it happened was because I thought I did something to make you uncomfortable. But when you told me you were okay with it, I started looking back at that night differently. I mean, well, I guess you already know what I thought about it after last night.” He bit the corner of his lip. “We already share so much of our lives with each other. God, you’re practically Christopher’s other dad-“
A kindly Christmas elf briefly emerged from the depths of Buck’s memory.
“-And we spend more time together than any romantic partner I’ve ever had. So no, I’ve never been interested in guys before,” Eddie looked down at the table. “I think it’s just you.”
If Buck was shocked by Eddie’s forwardness in last night’s texts, it was nothing compared to the shock he felt now. But while last night held the excitement of a low-voltage hotwire, today’s admission was like the warmth of an electric blanket. There was a current running through the wires embedded in the fabric, but all he could feel was the comfort it created around him.
“Eddie I- I don’t really know what to say.”
Eddie shook his head, “I didn’t say any of that to put pressure on you. Just to let you know how I’m feeling about this thing. With us. Whatever it is, I think I’m okay with it.”
“I don’t want to date you, that doesn’t feel right,” Buck started to say.
Eddie’s face fell just a fraction before he caught himself, “Oh no, that’s fine, I wasn’t expecting-“
“The word ‘dating’ feels too temporary for what we already have going on. I already know you,” Buck shrugged, like his heart wasn’t racing a hundred miles an hour. Like his entire world hadn’t been shifted by Eddie’s words. “And I already like you, so maybe we can just like, do whatever feels right.”
“So basically nothing changes, but maybe there can be more adult activities?” Eddie's expression was a mixture of hope and maybe a little embarrassment.
“Sure, we can call it that.”
“Why, what do you want to call it?”
Buck paused for a beat, might as well go all in at this point, “Fucking your brains out.”
“Jesus christ,” Eddie quickly looked to the left and right, but the closest dog walker was probably too far away to hear them. Hopefully.
“Oh now he wants to act modest,” Buck teased, “Mister ‘I wanna see you come for me baby.’”
Eddie’s eyes opened comically wide as he tried to slap his hand over Buck’s mouth, but Buck moved away too quickly, allowing the ecstatic feeling in his chest to escape as laughter.
“Shut up, oh my god, we are in public!”
“Okay, so let’s go somewhere less public,” Buck suggested.
When Eddie didn’t immediately answer, Buck was afraid he pushed too fast. He had to remember this was still all new to Eddie, and regardless of what he said about being okay with it, it would most likely still take him some time to come to terms with what this all meant. “Or not, we don’t have to do anything today, we can totally just hang out-“
“Whose place is closer?”
“Uh, mine? I think?”
Eddie was already walking away from the table, “Well, are you coming?”
Buck felt like he had whiplash yet again but he managed a snarky, “I don’t know, that really depends on you,” and pushed up from the table to follow after him.