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They hadn’t kissed since that first time. Maybe it was stupid to think they would, now that everything had changed.
But still. Ellie wants.
She doesn’t know how long they sat against the broken shop counter, surrounded by shards of glass and Ellie’s all consuming rage, holding each other like the end of the world. Because it was—the world had ended before either of them were even born, but Riley had resurrected it with her smile. And now it was dying again.
So Ellie and Riley cried, entangled in each other and sealed together by the stickiness of their sweat and tears. The smell of rot coming off the dead stalker was becoming more potent, and the blood from their bites was beginning to crust onto their skin, but still they did not move from each other. Ellie buried her face further into Riley’s neck, feeling her heartbeat against her ear and inhaling her scent deeply. That probably should have been gross, but she smelled so much like herself, so human, when compared to the stench of the room. Her clothes still carried the faint whiff of QZ detergent—so starch it stiffened clothes for a week and lingered for a month.
Ellie felt Riley’s hand start to tremble and twitch, and she tightened her grip in response.
Not yet, please not yet.
Her fingers accidentally dug into the bite mark and Riley whimpered. “Sorry, sorry,” Ellie whispered, running a robotic hand up and down her forearm in an awkward pantomime of comfort.
“S’okay,” Riley whispered back, an unspoken agreement between them that to speak aloud was too risky—could bring the mall and the sky crashing down around them and their small bubble of stillness. “I’m sorry, too.”
Ellie shook her head, incidentally nuzzling against Riley’s cheek. “Told you it wasn’t your fault. Was bound to fucking happen eventually.”
Riley took a shuddering breath and raised one hand to play with Ellie’s hair. It was greasy and knotted, but she ran her fingers through it carefully, the sensation soothing. “No,” she replied finally, “for what I said earlier. It was stupid.”
Ellie’s eyelids had started to flutter from the gentle touch, but at that she sat up so she could see Riley’s face. “What do you mean?”
“For saying that you don’t know what it’s like to belong or have a family.”
Ellie felt the same stinging in her chest that she did the first time Riley had said that. “I mean, you’re not wrong,” she said, fighting back a wave of bitterness.
“No, I was. I’m your family,” Riley insisted.
Ellie pulled a face. “Please don’t say we’re like sisters.”
Riley laughed. It was a mix of a snort and a sob, but she actually laughed. “I’m trying to be nice for once and you’re ruining it.”
“You said family! It’s not like we’re married or something… er,” Ellie trailed off awkwardly and looked away.
Riley laughed again, a little softer and a little sadder, and laid her head against Ellie’s once more. She placed a quick kiss against her temple, and Ellie felt herself flush.
Stupid. They’d already kissed for real, why was she blushing again.
“I was just trying to say that you matter to me too,” Riley said with a playful nudge. “Weirdo.”
“Yeah?” Ellie asked, knowing the answer but feeling a small bit of trepidation anyway.
“Yeah,” Riley nodded, her own face starting to heat up with a blush and the mortifying ordeal of emotional vulnerability. “Like, you belong to me, in a way.”
Ellie felt her throat tighten with something she couldn’t fully name—somehow equal parts joy and melancholy. “You weren't kidding about being all poetic and shit,” she joked, trying to deflect.
Riley shrugged and any hint of laughter from before faded from her eyes. “Might as well be.”
Ellie didn’t know dying would hurt this much.
A silence fell between them, heavy with resignation but somehow not uncomfortable, because it was shared between them.
“So, do you forgive me?” Riley asked at last.
“Yeah,” Ellie replied, her voice suddenly rough. “I forgive you.” She gave her a tentative smile, her muscles resisting but knowing Riley needed it. “We’re family after all.”
“Shut up!” Riley shoved her, and Ellie let out an honest-to-god giggle.
“I’m happy to belong with you, to you, whatever,” Ellie said softly.
“How poetic,” Riley teased, though she looked pleased with herself. She sighed and looked around, eyes briefly glancing at the corpse, still bleeding where it fell before standing up suddenly. She offered a hand down to Ellie. “Come on, let’s get out of here, it stinks.”
Ellie clasped her hand and let herself be pulled up. The two girls quickly collected their stuff, both resolutely not looking at the mess that surrounded them and ignoring the fact that they wouldn’t have any need for their physical belongings in just a few hours. Once they were ready they stood awkwardly at the entrance to the store, both hesitant to venture back out into the mall.
“Is it stupid that I’m afraid?” Ellie muttered.
Riley shook her head and grasped her hand. “I’m scared too, but we can just be quiet. We can go back to where I was staying, it should be safer there.”
Ellie knew that safety didn’t really matter that much anymore, but she threaded their fingers together anyway. “On three?”
“Yeah, just follow my lead.”
“Okay,” Ellie took a deep breath. “One…”
“Two,” Riley whispered.
“Three.”
They were back tucked inside the Macho Nacho, nestled on Riley’s sleeping bag before either of them spoke again. “What do you think it’ll feel like?” Ellie wondered aloud.
“Don’t.” Riley snapped.
Ellie flinched in response.
“Sorry,” Riley sighed, putting her head in her hands. “I just can’t think about it right now.”
“No, it’s okay, I’m sorry,” Ellie replied. “I’m just… scared.”
“Me too.” Riley stroked the gun in her hand that she had grabbed as they left the Halloween store, looking contemplative. “Do you…” she trailed off.
“What?”
“Should we make a pact? Or I don’t know, a plan I guess. If one of us turns before the other?” Riley asked haltingly.
“What do you mean?” Ellie asked, feeling dread pool, thick and heavy, in her stomach.
“Can’t you feel it?” Riley’s eyes were filled with sheer terror. “The- the thing inside.”
Ellie shook her head wordlessly.
“Right,” she nodded, brusquely wiping tears from her eyes. “Well then I might be farther along than you. So we should make a plan—”
“No.” Ellie’s jaw hardened.
“Just in case!” Riley insisted, before dropping back into a whisper. “Please.”
“We- I can’t , Riley.”
“I don’t want to hurt you!”
Ellie shook her head stubbornly. “It won’t matter anyway.”
“Ellie—”
“You said we’d lose our minds together !” Ellie insisted, her voice shaking slightly. “And I’m already fucking dead, so it doesn’t matter.”
“It matters to me,” Riley replied, her own voice unwavering. “Just as a last resort—”
Ellie started to protest again, but Riley held up her hand and plowed on. “Promise that whoever lasts longer will do whatever it takes to stay safe.”
“Riley…” Ellie paused and looked at her friend, really looked, without the fear of seeing the infection taking hold. She looked like herself, dark eyes and her headband sticking to the sweat of her skin—a bit worn down but an underlying stubbornness and humor despite everything.
“Promise me?” Riley asked again. “And I’ll do the same.”
Ellie felt herself nod, a numb acceptance once more taking hold, somehow even more painful than the last. “Okay,” she said at last.
“Yeah?” Riley looked almost hopeful and Ellie couldn’t help the besotted expression that took over her face.
“Yeah,” Ellie said, a small smile turning up the corner of her mouth. Riley smiled back and another wave of grief crashed over Ellie suddenly, leaving her gasping for breath. “Just promise me something too?” she asked, trying to keep the pleading tremor out of her voice.
“Of course.”
“Just don’t go before me.” Ellie was crying now, silent tears tracking down her face. “Don’t go—”
Riley cut her off with a kiss. It was salty and sudden, just like their first one. Ellie started to lean into it before pulling away with a gasp. She needed Riley to promise. “Is that a yes?”
“Sure,” Riley replied, before capturing her lips once more. And this time, Ellie didn’t resist.
It was uncoordinated and desperate, and Ellie didn’t quite know what to do with her hands, but Riley didn’t seem to mind. Ellie realized this might be her first real kiss too, and felt a bubble of joy pop in her chest and force a giggle into her throat. Riley smiled in return and soon their kiss was nothing but trading laughter and breaths between them, gripping at each other's clothes.
“Fuck,” Ellie muttered, and Riley bit back a smug smile, amusement dancing in her eyes as she glowed under the dingy yellow lights.
The pause in kissing allowed the terrible realization that they would be each other’s only kiss to flit across Ellie’s mind, but Riley stroked her cheek, rubbing at the dried tear tracks and distracting her before the thought could fully take root in her brain. Ellie sighed and leaned into her worn palm, letting herself get swept away by Riley’s touch.
She felt something cold against her leg and looked down to see Riley’s gun sitting between like a warning. “Do you even know how to use it?” Riley asked, startling her out of her stupor.
“Yes!” Ellie scoffed, her cheeks heating up at the accusation.
Riley smirked at her as the two fell back into their usual rapport, Ellie’s overconfidence and Riley ready to tease her. “Oh, I’m sure you do…”
“I do!”
“Mhmm,” Riley nodded seriously, fighting back a smile. “I totally believe you.”
“I learned at school just like you!” Ellie insisted hotly. “Maybe you forgot when you were running around with the Fireflies, but we went to a military school.”
“Right, right,” Riley agreed sarcastically. “Because you were always so attentive to the things we learned in school.”
“Shut up!” Ellie shoved her.
“Just admit I’m right!” Riley laughed. “You don’t know.”
“Look I’m not gonna pretend to be an expert, but you’re not either!” Riley shot back.
“I know I’m better than you!” Riley gasped out. “Remember the ‘terrorist group’ I joined that gave me the gun??”
“Whatever,” Ellie replied, crossing her arms and looking away.
Riley laid her head on her shoulder, blinking up at her sweetly. “I could teach you,” she tempted in a sing-song voice.
Ellie bit her lip, trying to hold onto her annoyance but quickly giving in. “Okay.”
Riley sat up excitedly. “Nice okay, show me what you know.”
Ellie picked up the gun casually in one hand, as if it were a toy, squeezing one eye shut and pretending to aim. “I mean, it seems pretty simple.”
Riley gave a tsk of disapproval. “Okay so you know nothing.” She scooted behind Ellie, taking her empty hand and placing atop the other on the grip. Ellie felt the back of her neck heat up at their new position and shook her head, trying to focus on Riley’s instructions. “You need to use the other hand as support, so you have better aim and the recoil isn’t as bad.”
Ellie nodded in understanding, and Riley gently repositioned Ellie’s fingers on the gun, the calluses on the tips of her fingers making sparks dance along the younger girl’s skin. “Put your thumbs here, and keep your trigger finger here until you’re ready to fire. You don’t want to shoot on accident. Got it?” Riley asked, turning her head to make eye contact with Ellie.
Ellie opened her mouth, but no words came out. She was surrounded by Riley—those perfect hands wrapped around her own and her soft face right there. She could probably count her eyelashes if she wanted to. “Got it,” she finally managed.
“Good,” Riley replied with a cheeky smile. “I'll take this back then.”
Riley set the handgun aside, and Ellie let out a deep sigh, the laughter and happiness between dying suddenly, as all things did. The two girls looked at each other, the quiet groaning off the old building and the flickering of the lights filling the silence between them.
“So,” Ellie started, before cutting herself off with a yawn, making Riley snort beside her. “Shut up!” she insisted, followed by another yawn, making her laugh even more.
“Do you want to sleep? I did wake you up in the middle of the night.” Riley offered gently.
“But…” Ellie trailed off, not wanting to speak aloud what falling asleep would really mean—losing some of the few precious moments they still had left with each other.
Riley shook her head, not needing Ellie to finish the thought. “Maybe it’ll be easier this way,” she whispered. “Now come on, help me lay out the sleeping bag.”
They unzipped it, laying it flat so they could share it. Ellie laid on her side and Riley laid beside her, pressing her front against her back and placing a hesitant hand on her waist. Ellie reached down and grabbed it, pulling so their clasped hands were in front of her. She felt Riley let out a shaky sigh on the back of her neck and a shiver ran down her spine. “Tell me more about the Fireflies, what you’ve been doing while you were away,” Ellie murmured, rubbing her thumb against Riley’s hand.
“Really? You wanna hear about that?” Riley asked, a little guarded.
“Yeah,” Ellie said simply. “Tell me a cool story.”
“Okay, so, I told you already about Marlene, right? Well she showed me…”
Ellie felt her eyelids start to get heavy with sleep and that particular exhaustion that comes from dying. She let herself drift off, comforted by the warmth of Riley behind her and the melodic sound of her voice. She caught a glimpse of the handgun, set a few feet away, in her peripheral vision as her eyes started to close. And for the first time in her life, Ellie prayed. She prayed that the world would end sometime in the night, that the sun wouldn’t rise, and that the feeling of Riley’s arms around her would be the last thing she ever knew.
Riley must have felt her breathing slow because she paused what she was saying and pressed a kiss to her hair. “Good night, Ellie.” And she knew no more.