Chapter Text
"you can't be a disappointment."
jaehyun's mother would always say that, constantly. it's a thing he quickly grew to expect it, like rain on dark, cloudy days and the sounds of birds chirping in the morning once he wakes up. he never wanted to see her upset, he never wanted to see the way her lips would turn into a thin line, and the wrinkles on her forehead would become more pronounced. her voice becomes low, dangerous. her eyes darken with anger.
it makes jaehyun sad and ashamed. like she said, he should always be his best. he can't just try—he has to be a doer. he has to be successful.
one day, jaehyun decided he would not be a disappointment for her on her birthday. she always sadly says she never gets gifts anymore ever since she divorced jaehyun's dad, and says she'll be overworked even on her own birthday. annually. she never gets a chance to take it east, let alone a break.
he knew what he wanted to give her—a pet bird. he saved up his allowance until he could afford a small cage for one, proudly presenting the money to the nice cashier. then, all jaehyun needed was a bird. he couldn't afford one with his allowance alone. the backyard of his home tended to have birds visit, fluttering around in the bird bath and landing on the branches of the single tree among the leaves, or picking at the ground for food.
they weren't as pretty as the parrots in the shop, but jaehyun knew his mother would like it if he had gotten it for her himself. he went outside that same day when his mother was out for work still, sitting down on the steps that led down from the patio. he waited until a bird flew down to peck at the dirt for worms and seeds. he watched carefully, eyes gleaming as he let go of the cage that was set beside him.
then, as quietly as he could, he crawled from the steps and onto the dirt, eyes trained on the bird as it continued to ignore him. his heart was beating faster with excitement—he knew it would work! his mother will be so proud of him, and he wouldn't be a disappointment. he would be a doer, not just a trier.
he lunges for the bird, but it jumps out of his reach and he hits the ground hard. he feels his chin start to ache and tears building up in the corners of his eyes, but jaehyun won't let the bird get away. he can't disappoint her, especially not on her birthday.
he makes another grab for it with both hands and successfully snatches the bird, the bird fluttering its wings in a frenzy to get free. he carried the struggling bird to the cage and put it inside, quickly closing and locking the cage door. then, with a proud dimpled smile on his dirtied face, he walked inside.
his mother came home around an hour later, looking as tired and overworked as usual. she doesn't bother to smile at her son.
but jaehyun smiled at her, holding up his present. the bird was perched inside, although still and silent within the presence of jaehyun's pride. his mother simply stared at it for a few moments, and her lips didn't move any inch toward any sort of smile. if anything, she seemed reproachful. "what is this?"
"your birthday present!" jaehyun exclaims. "a pet bird!"
"a present?" she says incredulously. "are you joking with me?"
jaehyun's smile falters. "no...."
he lowers the cage down as well as his gaze to the floor. mother wasn't proud. she was upset. he disappointed her. nonetheless, she takes the cage and without a single trace of a smile, only a hint of an unreadable expression across her weary face, she mumbles, "thank you."
the next morning, when he went to toss away the cereal box after he used up the last bit for breakfast, he opens the trash bin to see the cage inside among all the garage, pushed down deep but still visible. the bird is missing, nowhere to be seen, and at the sight of the now dirtied once golden coloured cage, jaehyun wants to cry.
never again had he bothered to get her present other than card on her birthday after that. a simple card with no effort.
~*~
the next time he disappointed her, he was in his last year of high school. he hung out with a popular group of kids despite not really being all that similar to him. they were rich, his mother was hardly making ends meet sometimes. they were everything a popular kid should be, he was not. they were the handsome and pretty ducks, and he was the mere ugly duckling that stood out, yet he still stuck around.
one of the most handsome was kim junseo, and jaehyun admired him, although silently.
he knew he was different a little earlier on in high school, when certain boys and men just stood out to him more, from the captain of the football team to one of his teachers that wasn't pushing fifty. there was something about the way junseo would smile at him which just sent the butterflies in jaehyun's stomach wild, and every little faint brush or touch left tingles. sometimes, he imagined kissing him, making out, getting lost in the heat of it. but, a part of him knew there was no chance—
(and his mother....)
—until there was. at first, he knew it seemed unlikely. junseo had a girlfriend at the moment and only ever talked about girls to jaehyun. if he ever noticed the small glances of longing from the other, it never clicked in his head who his friend preferred. but once day, he randomly hugged him, arms tight around his waist, and his low voice filled his ears like music, and his warm breath made the hair on the back of his neck rise ever so much.
"meet me at the front of the school."
jaehyun did, and that's when junseo kissed him.
even though he had a girlfriend, and jaehyun was so sure he wasn't into guys, he smashed their lips together. the most memorable thing other than the kiss was the petals from the flowers in the trees fluttering around them as the wind blew them away past. but, then that kiss got hidden behind those petals as they blew away.
junseo wanted no one else to know when he asked him out. pressing a finger to his lips and whispering in that same low voice with a smile that stretched across his lips that seemed genuine in the moment, "don't tell anyone about us, okay?"
and jaehyun only continued to hide deeper.
he'd walk the hallways of his school and silently wallow in his jealousy seeing couples holding hands and kissing each other's cheeks out where anyone can see them. they don't have to hide
behind closed doors in their homes or those secret stolen minutes in the courtyard behind a bush, or in old classrooms no one uses anymore. they don't only hold hands when everyone else's heads are turned and once eyes fall on them again, their partner's hand never slips away from their grasp as fast as they had held on.
but jaehyun forced himself to not mind it all too much and focus on being in a relationship with somebody, the one person he didn't have to shy away his true self from. junseo still kissed him, told him almost every day that he was handsome and pretty and smart, and still hugged him even if he didn't want others to see.
eventually, it never stayed just kissing. one day, behind the closed door of junseo's room when his parents were out, he confessed to something personal.
face pressed against jaehyun's chest, he mumbled against his sweatshirt. "my mother is having an affair."
"really?"
"yes," junseo says. "i feel so terrible about it. my father still doesn't know."
"that's terrible," jaehyun says softly.
he wants to hug him close like they always do now, and tell him it'll be okay. that's what a good boyfriend does, right? but junseo pushed for something else, hands slipping under his shirt with sweet words danced off of his tongue, and soon junseo was right between his legs. he kept saying those sweet words, although a little dirty, and press his soft lips against jaehyun's inner thighs, which just left a faint burning feeling behind.
he kissed his lips, junseo's hands touching him in placed where it felt nice before one was grabbing onto the back of his knee, pushing his leg as far as it would good before he pushed himself in. within the pain, he tried to let his mind wander, off along down the river towards a waterfall with a bird fluttering up ahead.
but then, something launches itself from the forest and snatches the bird away as it lets out a terrified chirp. it's gone, it's disappeared, and when the pain he feels down in his lower half begins to find, jaehyun feels himself return back to full focus.
junseo kisses his cheek, his ear, his lips. he whispers so softly with a smile, "you did so good, jae."
it made him feel good, even if it really hurt.
but not too long after, it all came to a crashing halt, like he fell down the waterfall and onto the sharp rocks beneath and it pierces him. the rocks was junseo and his actual girlfriend, a pretty girl who he was kissing out front of the school as they held hands. they pull away, and he smiled at her.
jaehyun wants to disappear away, hide deeper away from the truth, and bury himself as he cries. he backs into the school and runs his way to the back entrance and heads outside, running down the sidewalk and disappearing down the block as he gave up on controlling his tears that roll down his cheeks, like rain from the clouds.
his mother doesn't ask why he's upset when he returns home later than usual. she ignores him, as usual. no words said the rest of the day and she doesn't dare to call him from his room when he skips dinner, letting the tears wet his cheeks over and over again.
junseo tried to call him, but jaehyun ignored it and made sure to delete his number. all that pain was worthless.
never again did he try being in a relationship. wasn't worth the headache. junseo was forcibly forgotten, but the pain never truly faded.
~*~
the day his mother died felt like a blessing.
no more was there "don't be a disappointment" and how "trying isn't enough." jaehyun felt free, like the doors of the cage had been opened and he was able to escape to somewhere better, into the light above the clouds. he was nineteen when she got sick, and he was twenty-one when she finally fell to it, and died.
she looked much older than she ever had in death, with her gaunt-face withered away from sickness. jaehyun didn't shed a single tear in those two years of her suffering. how could he? it was almost like a burden had been lifted from his shoulders and thrown aside. no more low effort birthday cards for her birthday, no more of her nagging, no more of the terrible feeling of never coming out to her. freedom, it was, like an animal set free from a trap.
that same year when he was twenty-one in the hospital, just an hour after his mother died, he met taeyong in the cafeteria. he wasn't eating anything and was staring off into space, letting his mind wander off as it always does. he couldn't bring himself to eat anything. he hasn't even eaten since yesterday, having dragged himself to the hospital per his aunt's request, who almost immediately left as soon as he came the day before his mother died.
no doubt she'll get the news that her sister kicked the bucket soon enough.
that's when someone came over to his otherwise empty table, sitting right across from him and drawing jaehyun from his zoned out daze. he was handsome, with brown hair, most hidden underneath a beanie, and pretty eyes that were the colour that reminded him of dark chocolate, and his lips spread into a smile. a friendly one, yet jaehyun questions why he came over to begin with.
but the question is answered as soon as it appears within his head when he speaks, "every other table was full."
jaehyun doesn't bother to let his eyes wander around to confirm this, and doesn't question it as of result of his prior laziness and carelessness. for a few moments, the other man says no other words, poking at his food disinterestedly. eventually, however, his eyes look up, and he tries an attempt at a conversation then.
"not hungry?" he says, and only one corner of his lips move upwards.
"neither are you," jaehyun points out, gesturing with a slight nod to taeyong's untouched food. he looks down at it before chuckling.
"yeah, me neither, i guess."
pause. he's thinking again.
"my friend broke his leg," he continues on. "i went to visit him and all he did was complain to me. i came here to get away and grabbed food because...never mind. i know it's not my business to ask why you're here—"
jaehyun almost takes pleasure into interrupting him. this is the day of his freedom. "my mother passed away."
the man's eyes round in sympathy. "oh, i'm sorry to hear that. may she rest in peace."
as if she deserves to.
jaehyun didn't expect to see taeyong ever again at that point. just a one time conversation at the hospital and never again, and he'll just become another forgotten face in a crowd of people he's met. but, he showed his face again when jaehyun was out with his roommate and best friend, yuta, shopping for groceries.
they were messing around with the fruits, yuta carefully checking each one and holding it up to jaehyun for a second opinion.
"it's looks good, right?"
"uh-huh," jaehyun nods. yuta smiles and adds it into the plastic bag, before tying it up nicely.
"now, apples...."
jaehyun's eyes wonder, and eventually, he finds a familiar face among the fruit. same brown hair except he wasn't wearing a beanie, and the same faraway look with his eyebrows relaxed and eyes a little unfocused. but then their eyes meet.
it was in that moment, jaehyun should've known taeyong wasn't going to leave him alone ever since they first met. he wouldn't a recurring thought but he would always show up least expected, like now in the fruit valley of the grocery store.
all words were meaningless, forgotten as soon as they entered jaehyun's ear and went out the other, but the one thing uttered that would never leave his mind along with his smile and shiny eyes.
"i'm lee taeyong, by the way."
may jaehyun attempt to not care about him, but taeyong forever latch onto the most beautiful face he's ever seen.