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He was well aware of what people thought of him.
He was, in simple terms. An accessory to his brother. Something that just came along with him, an added bonus. He was the happy guy! Who people could joyfully push around without consequence. Who they could tease, because in all honesty, he was one of the only few who didn't kill people. And didn't want to.
"I'm so proud of you"
Something his brother had only said to him when he killed someone in a game. And even then it had been a joke.
he was a joke to them. And he had been content to be that, because how else would he be useful?
He was just the dumb one, after all. The cute happy one that everyone could poke fun at because what was he going to do? He was the calm one. The stable one. The one to pull back on everyone's fun because it involved murder, and murder was bad.
And sun wasn't capable of doing anything bad, because he was the sun. Not the moon.
The sun was warm and fuzzy and nice. The moon was cold and bitter, dragging the tides up to a dangerous level and making it hard to see while the sun lit up the whole sky and fed the flowers. Making sure everything could live. But people still loved the moon more, that's just how it was.
That's just how it was and sun hated it.
Was it selfish to not want to be an afterthought? To want a little affection beyond a hug and a sorry when he's leaning over the edge of death? Maybe.
But he was tired of feeling replaceable.
He tried so hard to be at his best. He did everything to help others, he ignored his own issues, he focused on others. He took the work others didn't want to do, and did it himself.
Was it wrong, that in a sick twisted way, he missed eclipse?
He hated Eclipse's guts. He hated him more than anything, but it was okay to hate him. No one judged him for hating eclipse, but what he really missed about him was that he filtered his negative thoughts and feelings. He didn't have to deal with them, because eclipse did that for him. And maybe that was…parasitic, or wrong, or whatever.
But he was allowed to miss it. Because eclipse didn't care , and that was perfect.
Sun hated him, and he couldn't care less about sun. It was awful, but it was fine . Because eclipse couldn't hurt him in the way everyone else could.
It still hurt when moon hit him, he had forgiven. But it never stopped hurting .
It was easier to handle someone who always made it clear they didn't like you, then to handle someone who says they love you hurting you.
Maybe it was sick to miss eclipse.
Maybe he was just sick himself.
He wouldn't be surprised, he had come to accept that he was possibly ill. He accepted it right as the cannon light hit bloodmoon, he accepted it when he snapped back into control that day when eclipse first took over. Sure, he tended to…shut down when people asked about it. But he had long since figured out it wasn't because he felt horrible about the incident that he was freaking out.
It was because he felt nothing.
And that had been…scary. He was supposed to feel guilty, wasn't he? He was supposed to feel bad. But the worst thing he felt was fear of getting judged. Once he had come to terms with that thought…
Things became easier.
It was easier to be angry, to feel hurt. It was easier to notice how the people around him treated him, with moons consistent threats and repeated actions. With Monty's disregard for suns being, with Roxanne's carelessness with his feelings. He was sick of it, so sick of it . It hurt, how sick of it he was.
It hurt how easy it was to yell at his brother in the woods, his brother who didn't bother to talk to him in person but rather, through Astral projections. It hurt how easy it was to yell at lunar, who had pushed moons feelings so roughly into his face it had been easy to disregard his own in order to revolve his world around them.
It hurt how difficult it was becoming to actually go through with this, as he stood leaned over a desk facing a cracked, but working computer screen. A dry, humorless laugh crackling its way from his voice box.
He hated how desperate and upset it sounded.
"Moon mentioned you being a base AI..but I never thought he actually meant it like this." He had managed to mutter out, earning an equally dry laugh from the computer's speakers. " And he mentioned you acting strangely and more violent, guess we were both expecting different things. " The hissed words fizzled and popped coming from the speakers, obviously not fit to transmit the Complex AIs speech.
"I was expecting to kill you, if I'm being honest." Sun had stated rather bluntly, earning a more genuine sounding laugh from the other. " And what changed that?"
The inquiry wasn't an unexpected one, but sun had still needed to pause.
"I'm fucked up." He had eventually managed to croak out, hands grabbing and tugging at the rays on his face as he jolted upwards. Anger and paranoia began to bubble as he paced. "I'm…I don't know, okay? I dont fucking know what changed, but something did." He hissed, ignoring the 'hum' of curiosity that sounded from the computer, ignoring the sparks of electricity as Eclipse almost seemed to move through the tech and wires in the room to different screens. "I can't..my head won't shut up. And it's not with that the voices Linger shit moon was on about, it's all just… fuck!" He had slammed his fist into the nearest screen, hissing it agitating as a cackling laugh boomed from speakers he couldn't see and as shattered scattered on the ground. He was lucky that he didn't have flesh, like humans, that would have hurt otherwise.
"I don't feel guilty, I felt fantastic when I killed Bloodmoon. It was great! Wonderful, but i'm…I'm not supposed to feel like that, and I'm supposed to hate you, and I do! But I miss you, because at least you were honest about thinking I was useless ." He was rattling off his thoughts quicker then he wanted to, he hadn't ever wanted to admit such a thing. But now that it was out-
"I want to see innards spilling from your body, I want to tear apart your insides and see the oil on my hands."
-he couldn't keep it in.
"But I also want to hear your agitating voice in the back of my head, because at least then I had you to handle all this shit instead of looking like a monster to everyone else!" He shouted, squaring his shoulders and ducking his head down just a bit. Fuck, fuck it all. Here he was spilling his guts to his worst enem y when he had come here to kill him. He was such an idi-
" What's wrong with being a monster?"
The almost rumbled question had sun jolting up straight, hands releasing the strained rays.
"I mean…your so-called 'friends' are monsters too. Aren't they? Your brother? Whats so different about you being one? "
His voice seemed to almost shift around the room, so much so that sun didn't even try to follow it.
" You're 'not supposed to'? It 'isn't like you'? Fuck all of that. They know nothing about you, nothing real always. Only what they made of you in their head, I hate you. And I think you're a coward with no use. But at least when I say I know shit about you I'm telling the truth ."
God, sun hated it when he sounded right.
"You're such a prick." Sun breathed out, his body suddenly relaxing as he leaned against the nearest wall, sliding down with his head tilted to rest against his knees. "I hate you."
" I know."
"I hate you so fucking much."
" Didn't we establish this already?"
" ..i hate you too."