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Lily Evans is in love.
Which if you asked anyone, they’d tell you to enjoy it, young love, her first love. She should be happy about it, but she’s terrified because she’s gone and fallen in love with her best friend.
Lily Evans is in love with Mary Macdonald.
The realization had caught her off guard, even though it shouldn’t have. Really for such a bright person she should have seen it coming, her falling for Mary had been inevitable from day one. But she didn’t and the realization hit her like a bloody train and it was such a mundane moment as well. It wasn’t like a moment you would read about in books, no it was just a moment like every single other they’ve had.
It was the last day of summer vacation, the day before their last first day at school ever, they were all gathered around a fire in James’ backyard enjoying their last night before the were made to face their future. It was such a core moment for all of them, a moment they’ll look back in many years later; all the seventh years of their little group were there plus Regulus, who despite being a year younger was an honorary invitee since him and Sirius were living with the Potters for about two years now. Marlene and Dorcas were sitting cuddled up in one of the lawn chairs, the other one being occupied by Remus with Sirius on his lap and a hand around his back. Next to them on a bench they conjured were Peter, James and Regulus, the couple leaning into each other, a simple show of affection and then full circle there where Mary sitting on a blanket on the floor with Lily’s head on her lap.
The night had reached the point where everyone had started getting quiet and sleepy, a peaceful atmosphere settled around them all. Looking around Lily felt such warmth spread through her, these were her people, her friends, her family. She knew that no matter what they would always be in each other’s lives, no matter what paths they followed later they would always make time for each other, because they were family. That’s why none of them were worried about losing each other like people usually are when in their final school year. Of course, they had the stress of figuring out life and growing up but at least they knew they had each other.
Everyone was sentimental over leaving school; It had been their home for seven years, the place their friendships formed, where they fell in love with their respective partners. They were all going to miss it so much, but here looking up at Mary smiling softly at her, there was something passing between them, an understanding. For them two it was the place where they learned magic, of course everyone else learned magic too, but for Mary and Lily it was different; they were muggleborns, Hogwarts was the place that got them in touch with the part of themselves that set them apart from everyone else in the world they lived for the first eleven years of their lives.
~
“Gryffindor!” the hat shouted and Lily immediately caught the betrayed look that crossed Severus’ eyes at the Slytherin table. Before Lily could do anything he’d already turned around away from her so she slowly made her way to the Gryffindor table.
“Hi, I’m Marlene.” said the blonde girl extending her hand over the table to Lily.
“Hello, I’m Lily” she said shaking the girl’s hand and smiling awkwardly at her.
“Did you want to get sorted into Slytherin?” Marlene questioned “Because you looked quite sad when you got sorted.”
“Wh- Oh no, just…my best friend is in Slytherin and before we came here he was my only connection to the magic world so I assumed we’d be together.” She replied.
“You’re muggleborn then? I haven’t met any muggleborns yet, my parents are both magic. Hey, do you want to be my friend and teach me about all the muggle things?” she finished a little bit excitedly.
“Uh sure if you help me with the wizard things.” Lily said chuckling.
“Gryffindor!” the hat sounded again, Lily turned to see the newest addition to their house; her eyes locked with the girl’s and she found herself unable to look away, as if she did she might just stop breathing.
The curly haired girl approached the table still looking at Lily and as she got closer all she could thing was that this girl is so pretty she has got to meet her.
When the girl took the seat next to her Lily immediately introduced herself.
“Hi I’m Lily? What’s your name? That’s Marlene.” She finished pointing to her newest friend across the table who waved at the girl grinning.
“My name’s Mary, happy to meet you both. My parents are not magic, so I don’t really know anyone else here.” Mary said looking at them kind of sadly.
“That’s okay, mine aren’t either and my only friend is two tables away.” Lily assured her. “You can help me teach Marlene muggle things, as she called them.” She said chuckling.
Mary’s eyes lit up and Lily couldn’t stop staring at them “I’d love to, as long as she helps us with wizard things.” She said looking expectantly at the blonde.
“Of course, that one already asked me.” The girl said nodding at Lily, who at the mention of her name snapped out of her staring and smiled at Mary.
Christ, what was going on with her, she has pretty girls before, hell Marlene was pretty, so what was it about Mary that got Lily staring like an idiot.
When they got in their dorms and found out they would be roommates, they were all ecstatic, Lily could tell they were going to be best friends from the get-go, honestly.Marlene was quick to fall asleep shortly after, snoring softly making the other two giggle, but Mary and Lily stayed up talking about all the magic things that caught their attention so far. Being new to this world brought them so close and they frequently sought out comfort in each other when they got home sick. But for the first few weeks they were constantly staying up talking about all the magical things that amazed them. Often ending up sleeping at each other’s beds, having drift off mid conversation.
~
Sitting there, gazing at Mary’s beautiful features in the fire light, she was suddenly overcome with the overwhelming urge to kiss her, which gave her a stop. She always knew and acknowledged Mary was a beautiful girl, but never did she feel like this.
Fortunately, she didn’t have a full-blown crisis in front of her friends, she excused herself, locked herself in the bathroom and stared at the wall thinking for a while. What threw her wasn’t that she was thinking about kissing a girl, she had come to terms with her sexuality years ago. Although at the ripe age of thirteen it did cause her quite a bit of problems.
~
James was a nice boy, he could be annoying at times, but weren’t all thirteen year old boys, and he liked her. He made that known for a while now but Lily could not understand why, and her friends encouraged her to give him a chance, well all except Severus, or they’d purposely leave them alone at the library or the common room. Lily just felt extremely awkward at those circumstances, in group environments she was okay with James but when left alone like that she just felt on edge.
One night Mary had come to the dorm declaring she had her first kiss enthusiastically, and she went on to describe the experience Lily had a moment that she felt like she had flowed out of her body. Mary went on about boys frequently, Marlene never but was always eager to listen and gossip about them and Lily didn’t need to say anything, they were talking for her, about James. But she wasn’t really interested in him or any boy the way Mary talked about them, which confused her a lot.
“So, Lily have you and James kissed yet?” Mary asked, looking at her expectantly.
She blinked, returning to the moment. “Um no.”
“Oh you should, you’re definitely going to like it, it’s super fun.” She told her.
That night Lily went to bed thinking that if Mary said it’s fun she had to try it, so she’d give James a chance.When she agreed to go to Hogsmeade with him, he looked ecstatic, and she found herself smiling at his reaction. The girl’s reaction to the news made her a bit excited for the upcoming date, even though she mostly was nervous.
Overall she had a good date with James, he was great company, but she didn’t feel like kissing him at the end of it like her friends told her she should do. However she did want to know what all the fuss was about, so before entering the common room she kissed him and it was… not exciting at all. Lily was utterly confused, was this what got Mary so excited? Why? She could not understand what was happening.
James sensing how tensed she was while getting into the common room, stopped her and reassured her that it was okay if she didn’t like him back and that he would like to be friends with her.
“I’m sorry.” She had said. And James laughed.
“What for?” he asked.
“Not liking you back.” She murmured.
“You have nothing to be sorry about Lils, my mum says we can’t control who we like. Don’t worry about it. We’re still friends though yeah?” he finished looking at her kindly.
“Of course we are James.” She smiled at him.
After all that fiasco, Lily threw herself at her studies and her friends, avoiding the subject of crushes, boys, and snogging.
Her system worked for about a year and a half when three significant things happened that made her pause and confront her own feelings.
The first happened on the train to Hogwarts, at the beginning of fifth year, when after the prefect meeting Remus, who had become one of her best friends over the past year, pulled her aside and confessed to her that he liked Sirius looking at her anxiously. She wasn’t surprised she kind of saw it coming with the way those two were with each other, she’d hugged him and told him she loved him no matter what.
They had talked for the rest of the train ride about how and when he’d figured it out- during summer after a bad full moon when Sirius spent the day reading to him-, what did that make him- bisexual- and what he was going to do- “nothing are you mental Lily?”-. She’d promised that she would keep his secret, of course, and they went like normal.
That night Lily thought that maybe that’s she was too. She didn’t know much about sexuality, seeing as her parents were really conservative and didn’t have conversations like that; She thought that kissing a boy had not been that exciting so maybe kissing a girl wouldn’t be either.
Lily didn’t like being wrong, but here she was the most wrong she’s ever been; kissing a girl had, in fact, not been as not exciting as she’d thought it’d be. It was like to her kiss with James, but also totally different. She was dared to kiss Alice at a truth or dare game at the first party of the year. Afterwards she buzzed with energy and felt tingly and warm all over, she could feel herself blushing, Merlin.
She had liked it. She had liked it at all. What she did not like however is what that made her. She enjoyed kissing Alice and wanted to do it again, not necessarily with Alice, but she didn’t want to kiss a boy again at all.
She was already set apart in the magic world because she was muggleborn, she didn’t exactly fit in the muggle world since she had to repress such a big part of herself. The fact that she seemed to enjoy kissing girls way more than kissing boys was another thing that would alienate her from the two communities even more.
She had ended up snogging more girls because of dares and after a while she had come to accept what she was, but she still hadn’t said the words out loud to anyone or to herself really; admitting it would make it real and she was scared of what other’s would think of her.
But she turned to the person that reached out her first, Remus. He was brave, he had told her something so personal, he trusted her with one of his biggest secrets. So, it was Lily’s turn to be brave, live up to the Gryffindor title.
They were doing their rounds when it just slipped.
“I’mlesbian.” She said in a breath stopping abruptly and squeezing her eyes shut, unsure of whether he heard or not.
“I’m sorry I didn’t catch that, love.” He said a little confused.
Lily opened her eyes, took a deep breath and said again “I’m lesbian, Remus.” And her eyes started to tear up. Now it was real, now people could hate her without even knowing her, she was scared.
“Aw love, c’mere.” He said as he enveloped her in a hug as she cried. “Do you want to talk about it?”
She nodded, pealing herself away from him and drying her eyes.
“How’d you know?” he questioned.
“I guess I always kind of did y’know? Like I was never interested in boys the way Mary was, my kiss with James in third year led me to swear off dating all together, and then I kissed Alice and that really solidified it for me.” She finished and he nodded, listening to her intently.
“Am I the first person you tell?” she nodded “Lils I’m honoured you trust me with this. I feel obliged to tell you that it’s not wrong, love, I know how hard it is at the beginning when you fist realize that you’re not straight, but it is not wrong yea?”
“Yea I know now but I didn’t for a while. And I know people are going to hate us for being like this, and that scares me and saddens me but I’m also fifteen and I’m already tired, so from now on I’ll try not to thing so much about what other people will think and say.” She told him, feeling a little more hopeful than she previously was.
“That’s my girl, and if you’re worried about the others reacting badly don’t be, nothing will make them think of you differently, like they didn’t me.” He reassured her.
It took her months, but Lily had reached a point in her life where she truly didn’t care what people whispered about her. She had her friends, who she loved and loved her, and finally she felt confident enough to block everything else out.
The term was reaching an end, summer just around the corner, Lily was doing this tonight. She had decided to tell the girls and she was trying to for weeks now, but someone always interrupted, first Sirius needed Mary for super-secret advice – yes that’s what he called it-, then James had a crisis and called an impromptu Quidditch practice, dragging Marlene out of the dorm, and the third time Peter had accidentally set fire to a common room couch.
Not tonight though, tonight she had enlisted the help of Remus to stand guard outside their dorm so no one could interrupt and then barricaded her and the girls inside.
“Why did he wish you good luck?” Marlene questioned at the same time Mary questioned the silencing charm.
She took a deep breath, this is it.
“Okay, I need to tell you guys something.” she started “and no interruptions please.” She looked pointedly at Marlene and continued “I’m lesbian, it was really hard to accept this part of myself but I did, and I’m still the same person. I hope this doesn’t change anything between us.” She was looking at her hands now to nervous to see her friend’s reactions.
A strange sound escaped Marlene, making Lily look up at her with concern “Marls are you okay?”
Instead of answering Marlene just flung herself at Lily hugging her tightly. “Of course it doesn’t change anything you idiot, we still love you right Mary?” the blonde said.
Mary blinked, something passing quickly in her eyes that Lily couldn’t really identify, and then she joined the hug.
“Of course, we love you Lils, nothing would change that, definitely not your sexuality.” Mary smiled warmly at her. “While we’re on the subject then, I should tell you guys I’m queer.” She simply stated.
Lily felt a strange feeling a little too close to hope at Mary’s admission before she could think more about it Marlene spoke up.
“Oh, yea I’m also a lesbian.” She said with a snort.
Lily didn’t have the same feeling at Marlene’s admission, she quickly shut down her thoughts, staying in the moment.
“I love you guys so much.”
She laughed and hugged them tighter; they stayed like that for a while longer.
~
Sitting there at the Potters’ bathroom thinking back on it, she was scared for nothing, of course they would accept her, these were her best friends. And here lies the issue that had driven Lily to essentially hide. Mary was her best friend, always has been so when had it changed? Was it always like this?
A knock startled her out of her thoughts.
“Lils? You alright?” It was Mary checking in on her.
“Yup, just got a bit dizzy from the firewhiskey,” she replied.
“The other’s headed off to bed, I came to get you”.
“Be right there Mar.” she called out to her.
Great she had thought, up to that night she had shared a bed with Mary countless times, but as they say ignorance is bliss and Lily was no longer ignorant about her own feelings, so it was different.
It was a long night Lily remembers.
~
Months later Lily was absolutely losing her mind. She had always been aware of Mary, it was impossible not to be, she lit up every room she walked into; now, though, she was aware of every movement, every careless touch, every smile Mary sent her way. Every time Lily would make her laugh, she would feel on top of the world. Those were the aspects of love, she could appreciate, but right after came the sour feeling that Mary only thinks of her as her best friend, that she’s never going to love her the way she wanted; really Lily had come to accept that over the past few months.
She was lost in thought when Mary came in with a frown on her face, that expression was not for her, she should only be smiling.
“What’s up Mar?” she asked as the other girl planted herself next to Lily on the bed.
“I don’t know Lily, you tell me. Since the beginning of the year you have been acting so weird around me, did I do something to you?” Mary answered “Because if so tell me what, so I can fix it and have my best friend back.”
Okay so maybe Lily wasn’t handling the situation as well as she thought she had, because Mary blamed herself for Lily’s behaviour, as if she did something bad, as if she could do anything that would elicit that behaviour from Lily. How could Lily tell her that she didn’t do anything wrong, but everything right. She was her brilliant, radiant self, which had her staring at her when she wasn’t looking. She couldn’t tell her that, she locked eyes with Mary and oh. Mary had always had such expressive eyes and right now Lily didn’t like the expression they were wearing.
She shook her head “Oh no Mar, you didn’t do anything wrong. I just have been stressing about the NEWTS, getting in my own head y’know how I am.” It wasn’t a complete lie, Lily was anxious about the exams but at this point she knew she was going to pass them.
Mary looked at her, thinking for a moment and then nodded “Okay, yeah makes sense, but you could’ve talked to me, I’m always here for you no matter what.”
“I know, I know. Promise I’ll come to you if I’m close to freaking out about the exams again.” She held out her pinkie for Mary, like that the worry vanished from her eyes as they lit up again; there, that’s the only expression her eyes should be wearing, bright and sparkling.
Mary completely the promise and from that night, Lily had made mor of an effort to act normal, as if she wasn’t head over heels for her best friends; as if her heart didn’t break a little every time Mary talked about guys or girls or when she accidentally caught her snogging other people. Maybe it wasn’t entirely accidental, because Lily’s eyes always sought out Mary when she walked into any room, unfortunately at parties this unintentional action caused her to witness quiet a few of Mary’s snogging sessions. Remus must have figured it out by now, since every time she would find herself in that predicament, he would materialize out of thin air to usher her away and distract her. She was so grateful to him, never asking questions, always succeeding in taking her mind of whatever was bothering her without even knowing what it was.
Lily tried to distract herself with her studies, by snogging a couple of girls herself; that always led to Lily thinking what it would feel like with Mary; how her lips would feel on Lily’s, how her body would feel like pressed to her own, her hands on Lily and she quickly had to shut off everything before she did anything idiotic like kiss her. She wanted to, a lot, but she didn’t want to jeopardise their friendship. Mary’s presence in her life was very important and she didn’t want to lose that because her feelings got the best of her.
~
They were brewing Amortetia.
Lily wasn’t nervous, she knew who she was going to smell, nothing could surprise her. But next to her Mary seemed a little stiff.
“Mar, everything okay?” she questioned.
“Hm? Oh yea, yea everything’s fine.” She said a bit clipped.
Before she could question her further, Slughorn spoke up. “Okay children, now you can come up here one at a time and smell the potion. Miss Macdonald, would you like to go first?”
Mary nodded, got up to the caldron, leaned over it and smelled it; suddenly her eyes snapped up at Lily as her cheeks reddened. She stormed out of the class and Lily was so confused. She herself didn’t need to go up to the cauldron to smell the potion, the whole classroom smelled of Mary, so instead she told the professor she was going to check on Mary and was off.
She found her hidden under some stairs crying, and she felt her heart give a little tug.
She took a sit next to her. “Mary, what happened? Did you smell someone bad?” Lily questioned.She shook her head. “Okay, was it one of our friends?”. Nod. Ouch, if it were one of them why couldn’t it have been her. “Was it someone who is in a relationship?” She shook her head no. “Was it Peter?”. Shake. “Dora?”. Shake. Lily was really confused the only one left was… her. Oh. Had Mary smelled her? She felt like she was two seconds away from exploding.
“Mary, who did you smell?” she asked urgently.
“You.” And tears filled her eyes.
Did Mary think Lily would be mad, that she would feel weird. This was the best news she’s ever heard. Her best friend, the person she’s been in love with, since probably forever smelled her in the love potion.
“And why are you crying love?” she reached out to wipe Mary’s tears.
“Because you’re my best friend.” The other girl answered looking at her with teary eyes.
And Lily could understand that fear and pain, she lived it every day for the past months. And she knew then what it was, she is in love. Mary is in love with her. This was the best day of Lily’s life.
“Please don’t hate me.” Oh, Mary you beautiful idiot.
“Mar, I could never hate you. Do you want to know something?”. Nod. Lily was smiling so hard right now. “The whole room smelled like you.” She said earnestly looking into Mary’s eyes.
Her eyes widen upon the words registering. “No. Don’t take the piss right now Lily. I am in love with you.”
“I’m not taking the piss Mary, I’m in love with you too. Have been for a while, probably was always meant to love you.” She told the girl.
“You love me” she said disbelieving, Lily nodded. “And I love you.” Another nod. “Lily, can I kiss you?” Lily nodded before Mary even formed the entire question.
Mary took her face in her hand and leaned in looking at her lips. Lily couldn’t look away, she was the most beautiful girl she’s ever seen. She leaned and let her eyes fall shut. Kissing Mary was exhilarating, Lily never felt as alive as right now with Mary’s lips on her, she felt dizzy in the most perfect way ever. They pulled apart, too soon in her opinion, and rested their foreheads together. She looked at her with such wonder in her eyes and found a similar look on Mary’s face.
“Does this mean we’re girlfriends now?” she questioned.
Mary took her hand and intertwined their fingers “I sure hope so, Lils.” She said kissing her knuckles. Lily hummed in reply resting her head on Mary’s shoulder.
They sat like that for a while, classes, exams, the rest of the world forgotten in their bubble of comfort. Eventually they went back to the common room, to find their friends looking at them with curiosity. Sirius exclaimed a “finally” and Remus threw her a private smile and she smiled back at him.
~
Everything went on normally, nothing changed except now it was LilyandMary, like SiriusandRemus or MarleneandDorcas or JamesandRegulus; although Lily thinks they were always like this.
From the moment she first lay eyes on Mary she was destined to fall for her, Lily was really doomed from day one. But if her doom looked like a life with Mary by her side, building a family and growing old together then she would happily accept her doom.
Every moment they spent together Lily fell more in love with her and she didn’t know how it was possible. They were moments Lily felt all consumed from her love, as if she would burst, like when she looked at Mary next to her at the altar at Marlene’s and Dorcas’s wedding or across the altar at Remus’ and Sirius’ as they were grooms women her for Remus and Mary for Sirius. Her top lovesick moments were, however, at their own wedding, looking at her gorgeous wife with such amazement and love, finding the her look mirrored on Mary; Another one was the day their son was born looking at the two most important people in her life with the promise of the rest of their lives ahead of them.
Really Lily was a fool for worrying their group would separate or Mary wouldn’t love her; it was the small domestic moments with her wife and their friends and family over the years, that proved eighteen year old Lily wrong and she’s never loved being wrong more than those moments.
~